The Rattlesnake's Bite (Archived May 2002)

Hey Yo,I Hate This GameFinally with some time for recreation on my hands, I can sat on my ass and some basketball.

I'm feeling like a kid again because what I'm seeing is a flashback to back in the dayLakers vs. Celtics. Growing up a Showtime fan, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'd actually root for Boston.

Fuck The Lakers, I'm sick of this shit. Between The Big Bastard and the Now Slightly-Less Nappy Headed Wonder, it's hard to love L.A. (no, not Lower Alabama). Fuck 'em. They'll win it again, but fuck'em. Pat Riley's stankin' ass is getting ready to make some more loot with the whole 3-peat shit, but I'm about to file paperwork to get trademark protection on 4-peat, quad-peat, cuatro-peat and the fuckin Lakers did it again-peat. What truly pisses me off about the playoffs though is those stupid ass commercials with everybody posing with the Championship trophy. Baron Davis, Dirk Nowitzki, Tracy McGrady, Jason Kidd, every-damn-body. Well hold it, hug it, kiss it, look at it like a piece of ass, cause guess what, that's as close as you'll get to the damn thing. You didn't see Kobe acting all stupid around the trophy. Nah, that nigga was shining it up and checking out his reflection. That shit might as well been a crystal ball Bcause it's staying in LA this year and next, at least (that is, if Ain't Shit Ass Devon George and Lindsay Hunter don't royally fuck the shit up).

The Straw That Stirs the Heroin Before You Load It Into the Syringe and Shoot It Into Your Arm: Another thing reminding me of my youth is the fact that Darryl Strawberry is still strung out. Only now the difference is that FINALLY, THAT BASTARD IS BEHIND BARS. OH, HELL YEAH!!! Some might say it's petty to take pleasure in another's misfortune, I say kiss my ass. It's been a long time coming. This motherfucker should have been eating bread and water a long damn time ago. Maybe he'll finally act right, but I don't care, I've wanted this shit for a long time. If I was the type of cat that believed in Christmas, I'd say it came early. Hell, there go any hopes I had of being a litigator. I wanted to be the DA to put Straw in the clink. Let's see Steinbrenner save your ass now, boy.

Gay Jay: Back to shitty ass basketball and the 2001-02 NCAA Bitch of the Year, Jason Call Me Jay Williams. What the hell! What type of cowardly, craven, hoe-ish, spineless move is this? I want to separate myself from Jayson "Murderer" Williams and Jason "White Chocolate" Williams. That's easy. One is a cripple, shitty and about to be on Death Row and the other is shitty and high. Gay Williams will just be shitty. You see what I'm calling him. I tell you, I missed my calling as a sportswriter or broadcaster.

The Millennium Savage (You knew it was coming): While I'm down at the Trademark Office, I should get some type of protection for my nickname for Tyson too. Like Richard Pryor said, "That Nigga's Crazy". I mean, telling the female reporters he can't give interviews unless he's fucking them. Christ, you don't have to be doing the nasty with a woman to give an interview, be friends or just talk to them (hee, hee). Damn Savage, what are you thinking? Threatening to eat children (and people though Albert Belle was bad), saying he wishes The Sissy Englishman was dead (wait a minute, that may not be such a bad idea), and promising to whip Sissy-Boy's ass. He better damn well deliver bcause them boys is fighting in Memphis and I got even money saying if Savage pulls some of that cannibalism or hitting after the bell and getting DQ'd shit, the gold-tooth having, platinum-wearing, ghetto ass folk in the Dirty is gon get rowdy.

Miscellaneous: It's all in the title, Miscellaneous Mission #3: Operation NO. You know the time and place, and you know the routine. Nuff said.

Speaking of the NO: why is that goddamn Alicia Keys going to have her fucking junior high recital-enacting ass down there. Like I've said before, I'm sick of this heifer. 15 minutes already, shit!

Mike Wilbon: deserves some type of Pulitzer, Nobel Prize or one of Stacey King's Jordan-granted rings for his work on PTI. Dude says everything I would, minus the cursing, but shit, I'm a fucking reasonable man.

Will somebody shorten the fucking baseball season, please.

Spider-Man made how much fucking money in 3 days? (replacing The Rock's movie as #1 at the box office, I might add).

You mean to tell me that some stakin ' ass panda-loving sumbitches are the only WWF and Stone Cold and the boys are now the WWE. Jesus, that trademark case was in England only and there was a fucking appealwhat the hell McMahon! Oh well, same good ass time though and I'm looking forward to getting a shirt that says "Get the F out".Well damn, I should write a book3 guesses as to what the 2-word title would be (sounds like Miss Tity).

This ShittyYours Truly,Big Evil

Some A-1 Sauce for Y'all - The "I Got Beef" Addendum

To all my readers,

Maybe I should have started on this male/female stuff a long time ago, because I've gotten more numbers of women wanting me to call them in the past 24 hours than I did in a whole semester of hitting the clubs. Of course, most of them are telling me to call so that they can curse me out, but hey it's a response. This is something else that I do not understand. I've been writing this column for like 2 ¼ years now.

I've brought you all insight into some of the lighter issues of our day:
1. The whole Shaq and Kobe drama, when I was out in "La La Land"
2. Babyface attempting to act on Soulfood (and I do mean attempting)
3. A rundown of Bobby Brown's and Mariah Carey's most embarrassing moments

More importantly I have dissected some of the most significant social and political issues of day:
1. Mississippi voting to keep the confederate flag
2. The Gary Condit saga
3. The debate over human cloning
4. The Palestinian and Israeli conflict

Yet, when I was discussing these serious, potent issues the response was minimal.
1. Talking about the DMCA and what it could do your 1st Amendment rights . . . no calls.
2. Conversing about Pat Buchanan's new book, which basically states that he wants an all white America with even white women back in the home and not out working . . . I got one or two responses.
3. Informing about the archaic views of a Mississippi reporter talking about closing down HBCUs . . . heck, I could count the replies in my inbox on one hand.

Yet, I drop one paragraph about relationships and all hell breaks lose. So you know what that tells me, I must be doing something right. Because you haven't really made it until the hate mail start rolling in. Before I put that piece on my personal life in the last issue, I sent it off to the person that I trust the most for her review. I told her that I am trying to be entertaining and not come off looking desperate. My intention was just to throw a humorous view on the world of dating. Since I refuse to put anyone else's life out there in my column, I use myself. That's it. No less, no more. Shoot, right now I'm broke; I can't afford to take myself out. Ninety percent of time I love being single, but sometimes that old feeling just hits me. However, if you feel that is some type of backpedaling on my part, then you all do not know me at all. I make absolutely no apologizes for anything that I have written. If you disagree, then that's great. Better yet, why not put out your own column, like some of my boys do, and let your views be known. Some of you all might not remember, but this whole column started as a letter in December of 1999 telling all of my family and friends exactly when I was going to be home from Los Angeles with a couple of interesting interjections thrown in. Over time it began to morph into something more, something greater. It has become almost cathartic in a way. I want it to be an exchange of intelligent, yet sometimes dissenting opinions. I want it to stir debate and to be controversial. So I guess overall I'm writing to say thank you. Thank you, for the people out there that think I am bringing you the uncut truth. Thank you to all the people that think I'm just an egotistical moron that doesn't know jack s*&% about what's really going on in the world. Thank you for sticking with me for all of this time and hopefully we can achieve more in the future. But if y'all think I'm going to stop and cower under the pressure, then once again you don't know me at all. I'm the undisputed champion of this whole Internet commentary game. The Sultan of the Sentence and the Captain of Consonance will not stop. I can't stop. Why? You all don't want me to.

--AIR © 2002

P.S. I for some reason you didn't receive the "I Got Beef" edition or any previous edition let me know and I will expediently send it your way. I've been meaning to put all these on my website for easier access, but just haven't found the time. Also I apologize for putting everyone's email address in the title line, but I'm experiencing some difficulty with my email provider in sending things out with the BCC.

The Air Up Here, Vol. II - I Got Beef Edition

To the millions and millions of my adoring fans,

You know I'm going to stop with that intro because there's only like 150 of y'all that read this anyway. I know I was supposed to come back with a "Love & Happiness" Edition like a week after I dropped the "Fire & Brimstone" joint, but school and the other trials and travails life plotted against that one coming out. This is why I have this new edition called "I Got Beef." You all know I don't touch the red meat anymore, nope; I have beef with just the stupid stuff that goes on in the world. So for those of you who are experiencing this for the first time and were expecting that hard-hitting investigative-type journalism that I spent months agonizing over in my last few editions; this issue is not going to be like those. Why? Unfortunately, I just haven't had the time to put in the research. However, for those of you lucky enough to get in on the ground floor of the "He's Coming Back" letter, you'll remember how I used to rock it. And if you think I'm talking about you, you are probably right. I still have much love for you though.


1. Compaq Computer Corporation. I now understand why Compaq has had so many leadership/financial problems and why this merger with HP has been so shaky. THOSE FOOLS CANNOT BUILD A DECENT COMPUTER! For example, I bought the machine that I am writing this on in December of 2000, right after I finished making that big loot with Bristol Myers Squibb (another company that is having problems, but that's another story). I paid like $1200 for it and it worked fine until last semester when the modem tripped-out. So off to CompUSA I go to drop another $100 plus parts. Then this semester the DVD and CDRW drives trip out, yet another "Ben Franklin" down the drain. Then the machine won't recognize my version of MS-DOS, another "C-Note" out of my pocket. Finally the machine starts-up and Explorer performs and illegal error. Not only was this yet another fat, crispy hundred-dollar bill leaving my wallet, but I also lost ALL of my information. I mean papers, email addresses, phone numbers, pictures, and most importantly all of my greatest Internet newsletters to you all just gone like an N'SYNC song. So after factoring in the price of new parts its like I bought an $1800 computer, except I didn't get the $1,800 performance or value. How you love that? I have hard copies of most of my creations, but would some please be so kind as to send me copy of the "Fire and Brimstone" edition; I'd greatly appreciate it. So, oh yeah, I got beef with Compaq.

2. Sick People. Nothing gets to me more than when people come to school or work and are just madd sick. Then they want to shake hands or hug you or touch your glass of water or plate of food. I mean, just spreading germs all around. When you are sick, unless it cannot be avoided PLEASE STAY AT HOME. Although I have some of the worst habits like not sleeping enough or eating right all of the time, I rarely get sick. However, when I was writing this on Tuesday, I was recovering from a severe cold because too many people rolled up at school last week with germs ablaze. So I know your question: Did I stay at home Monday and Tuesday? The answer is no, because I had presentations on both days (unavoidable situations). However, without these pressing matters I would have been kicked back in my bed watching "The Price is Right" or " A Wedding Story." So sick people, I got beef with you.

3. Bad Drivers. Ladies, why is it that you attempt to put on make-up and drive at the same time? At least wait until you get to a stoplight to spruce up the powder. But it's not limited to ladies, if I see one more guy trying to read a map or the paper and drive at the same time . . . Just pull over to the side of the road or better yet invest in a car with the GPS system. I've almost been hit numerous times by people doing these "multi-tasking" activities. I'm telling you if someone had hit my baby, it would have been on. My lawyer would be defending me right now. Next, what is up with all of those people that drive the speed limit or slower in the fast lane? If I want to get my speed on that's my business. I don't need other people out there being the morality police. If I want to take the chance of getting a ticket or worse, please let me be. Also what's up with the people that have all of those tight sports cars and don't open them up on the road? I just don't get it. Bad drivers, I got beef with you.

4. The Whole Israel - Palestine Issue. Nothing saddened me more than waking up on Easter Morning and hearing about the suicide bombings and the subsequent retaliatory attacks in the Mideast. However, one of the things that amused me was when the following Sunday the pundits were saying that Israel was defying an order by the US, by retaliating. I'm not taking sides in this issue because it's far too complex for me to fully comprehend. However, there are a few things that I do know. First, this conflict is practically biblical. These two groups, while not under the modern names have been fighting forever; so do we really think that by having the US step in that anything is going to change? Second, the last time I checked Israel was a sovereign nation, which pretty much means they can do whatever they want to do. Israel is defying a US order. What? That would be like someone telling me I can't shave my head, brush my teeth, eat, drink, and be merry. In the words of Cedric the Entertainer, "I'm a grown a-- man," I'll do what I want to do. Israel has the same right. So pundits and policy makers, I got beef with you.

5. My Dating Life. I don't want you all to think that my life is not great because it is. I have the best family anyone could wish for, my health is tight, I've been around the world, I already have another internship lined up for the summer and fall, and I am finally finished with classes at the end of the month (but don't look for your graduation invitations until December). Life is good, very good in all aspects except for one: Can a brother please find someone to talk to before I start pushing 30 and become the old man at the club? My lack of companionship became abundantly clear to me when I was leaving church two Sundays ago. I was watching all the young couples heading back to their automobiles and it dawned on me that "Hey, I wish I had someone to take to church and eat Sunday dinner with." Now don't get me wrong, most of the time I thoroughly enjoy being single. I really think that my personality is almost predicated on that concept; because as most of you know, I can be borderline narcissistic at times. Yet and still, sometimes I just don't understand what's going on. It straight boggles my mind why I am still single. Let's peep my stats for a quick sec. I'm young (24), tall (6'5 3/4"), and am 210 pounds of solid muscle (okay, the solid muscle is taking a little poetic license, but I'm working on it). I don't have any children, never been married, have solid job prospects with exponential earning potential, finally got rid of that stalker (just kidding) and yet I still can't find a date. However, Pookie at the gas station with the gold fronts and the jheri curl has all the ladies. What is up with that? Now, I'm not trying to hate on Pookie, because Pookie needs love too. But let's be real, Pookie vs. AIR? No comparison. Tallahassee supposedly has this 7 to 1, female to male ratio, but I haven't seen it. So, I don't have beef with my life, but I working on this whole dating thing.

6. The Way We Treat Each Other. Contrary to popular belief, I really don't talk that much. I know my commentaries are long, but that's because I'm more comfortable in this medium. Since I don't talk that much, it leaves me with a significant amount of time to make observations. Kids today just don't respect their parents or their elders and it truly dismays me. I have this whole theory about kids born after 1979 and the issues they have. If you fall into this group, I'm not trying to intentionally offend. However, I think when 1980 rolled around that's when parents just went soft on their kids, and started punishing them with things like "timeouts" and "go to your room and think about what you've done." What ever happened to the good ole days of having to go out and pick your own switch, having cabbages thrown at you, or trying to run from that hand that seemed to magically come from the sky and smack you? It's just a thought. Male/Female relationships these days seem to be more adversarial than ever. Where is the respect? Where is the love? For those of you that went to Gulfport High, I know you all remember Mr. Grabowski's rules of things that males and females just should not do in front of each other or to each other. However, as I look around it just seems like anything goes now, and it's totally accepted or at least tolerated. However, just because something is accepted does not make it right. So whom do I have beef with? I have beef with all of us, myself included because unfortunately I don't always do the right thing.

7. Yahoo. Yahoo gets no love from me because at the end of the month they are going to start charging for their account-holders to download their email into clients such as Eudora, Outlook Express, and Outlook (the client that I use to compose these masterpieces offline). I got hooked on using Outlook when I was out in Los Angeles and I refuse to go back to tying up my phone line to compose email. The price of this service ranges from $19.99 to $29.99 a year. Twenty-nine dollars just for the privilege to read my messages offline, I think not. In fact, they should be happy that I download my mail, because it increases available bandwidth and storage space for them. So if anyone is using a service provider that offers efficient service and most importantly integration with Outlook for free, I would appreciate it if you passed the name along. Yahoo gets the "USDA Grade A" I got beef rating.

8. Body Language. This one is in conjunction with My Dating Life. Women, I am going to let you in on a little secret about men. In the absence of any concrete information men have the tendency to make assumptions with the information that is available. For those of you whom have had any exposure to psychology or sociology you know that 90 percent of communication is nonverbal. Thus, when women aren't giving us any explicit answers, nonverbal clues make up the basis of the information that we use to form our analysis. So let me give you a few signs that you send off which will basically kill a guy's night out with you. One, if you hug a guy and give him the little pats on the back at the same time you have effectively just told him that he is locked in "The Friend Zone." As Chris Rock told us back in 1996, there is no escape from "The Friend Zone," so most guys will just bail on you rather than risk being confined in TFZ. I'm not saying that you are consciously aware of it, but just think about the last time you hugged a friend compared to someone whom you might be interested in . . . there is a difference. Two, if you cross your legs away from a guy if you are sitting next to him or toward the door if sitting in front of him, then you are saying that you are not interested or in the second case trying to make a quick getaway. So if you are wondering why your dating life is not up to par and guys run from you like the plague, consider some of the signs I just mentioned. Better yet you could just say what you mean and mean what you say and save us all of the trouble of having to make suppositions all together. You all do give off other positive signals, but this isn't called the "Love & Happiness" edition; it's strictly about stuff I have beef with. (And yes I know that you are not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition, so please don't go and tell my mom.)

All right after I've attacked almost everyone, lost numerous friends, and totally put my personal life out there for public scrutiny; I do have some lighter stuff. So lets start with Entertainment and end with Shout Outs.


TELEVISION SHOWS
1. Smallville. This is the latest in a long line of Superman incarnations, however, this story has a twist. Clark Kent is in high school and has yet to hone his growing array of superpowers. At this point in the show he doesn't even know that he can fly. Another interesting plot juxtaposition is that Clark Kent and Lex Luther (his archenemy in all of the Superman films) are the best of friends. Lex struggles with trying to do the right thing, but somehow just not having things turn out that way. However, the highlight of the show has to be the actress that portrays Lana Lang (Kristen Kruek). She has some of the most beautifully haunting eyes that I have ever seen (look at the March 28th edition of Rolling Stone and you will see what I mean). All she would have to do was stare at me and you could stick a fork in me, because a brother would be done. And the best things are technically she is a minority and she is legal (so, Lorieal, no comments on that please). Smallville can be seen on the WB at 9:00pm on Tuesdays.

2. Alias. This show just might save ABC's dismal ratings. The show centers on a graduate student that has a secret life as a double agent. Fast moving plots, complex characters, and exotic locales help to make this show a hit. Also, the portrayal of the struggle that the main character Sidney goes through in order to maintain a "normal" life, while doing all these perilous assignments really captivates the audience. Alias can be seen on ABC at 9:00pm on Sundays.

3. P.T.I. (Pardon The Interruption). This show just might be the best one to come of last season's crop of new shows. Hosted by Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon, this show covers a variety of topics, mainly sports-related in a fast-paced and entertaining manner. Even if you were not a big sports fan you would like this show. Just to see the totally irreverent interaction between the show's hosts is worth giving it a try. P.T.I. can be seen on ESPN at 5:30pm and ESPN2 at 7:00pm every weekday.


MUSIC INDUSTRY OBSERVATIONS
1. I have to admit that I am totally feeling Cam'ron's new song "Oh, Boy." However I'm just wondering how many times are we going to have someone try to capitalize on the formula that Juvenile used in "Ha." Black Rob, are you listening?

2. While I'm on the subject of knock-offs, how many times is someone going to use the beat from Vanity's "Nasty Girl"? It's almost like the Neptunes think they invented it, because they bite it enough. First, you can hear it in the undertones of Philly's Most Wanted's "Please Don't Mind." Next, it was used in Britney Spears' "Slave 4 U" song. Finally, it is being trotted out once again for Jagged Edge's new joint. And speaking of Jagged Edge, would anyone recognize anyone from that group walking down the street except for the twins?

3. Could someone please tell me why Mobb Deep is trying to play the "sensitive thug" role popularized by Ja Rule with their latest songs? I thought Mobb Deep strictly represented hardcore rap. I suggest they listen to a copy of Dead Prez's "It's Bigger Than Hip Hop" which states: "That label is that slave-ship / owners got them whips / and rappers is slaves / if you want to eat / you got to hit." Obviously when the label says they have to move more albums, they are willing to do anything.

4. Why did Twista never blow up? You have to admit that all of his collaborations on tracks are fabulous. So why is it that his record never sold?

5. Why does Ashanti have the #1 album in America? She pushed like over 600,000 copies in the first week. I've lost absolutely all faith in the music-buying public. Don't get me wrong, she is totally attractive and all and I would holla at the drop of dime. I just question her musical skills. There are many more talented artists (that I will discuss in my CD reviews) who haven't done those numbers and their albums have been out for a year or more.

6. I have to finally admit to myself what I have been trying to deny for the past two years: N'SYNC is totally bangin'. I've got to give it up for those cats; they make some catchy tunes. You know you love "Gone", "Bye, Bye, Bye", "It's Gonna Be Me" and "Girlfriend."


CD REVIEWS
1. How I Do by Res. This is my selection for the best album of last year. This Philly native combines rock, R&B, pop, and alternative music into a seamless style that cannot be limited to one genre. I like to call it alternative R&B; you'll probably just call it the hot stuff. I picked up the album last August when it dropped and have been mesmerized since. She is finally starting to get some shine, because MTV has designated her as a "Buzzworthy" artist and has been playing her latest video "They Say Vision." However, I think the standout cuts on the album are "Golden Boys" (her first video) which lets all the posers at the club know that "life ain't a video", "Ice King", "700 Mile Situation", and "Tsunami." Regardless of what style of music you are into, you will probably feel this album.

2. The Way I Feel by Remy Shand. Do you remember the days of the Bobby Caldwell's "Do For Love", the Average White Band's "Love Of Your Own" or basically any song by Michael McDonald? I know that I am showing my age because I do. Well "blue-eyed soul" has made a comeback with Remy Shand's new album. I know that you are probably thinking, "This is just another white boy trying to sing soul music. We've already got Jon B." Well he is not trying to sing soul music; he succeeds in singing it with a passion that is lacked by a majority of the R&B artists out currently. Remy's album that he totally wrote, arranged, produced, performed, and mixed is an eclectic joy to listen to. His falsetto stylings remind me of Maxwell on most tracks except for two that are reminiscent of Al Green. His music isn't of the soulful "baby-making" variety of D'Angelo. No, it reminds me more of what one would find in a live jazz club on 6th Street (Austin, TX). Standout tracks on the album are "Burning Bridges", "The Second One", "Take A Message", and "The Mind's Eye", which has a fantastic jazz outro.

3. Red Star Sounds, Vol. I by Various Artists. This compilation, which was released in October of last year features a variety of headliners such as The Roots, Jill Scott, and Nelly Furtado; and lesser-known acts such Mr. "Don't U Forget It" Glenn Lewis and Lathun. This is a solid album from top to bottom especially the first 11 tracks (when was the last time you bought an album with 11 tight songs? Heck, when was the last time you bought an album with 5 tight songs). I highly recommend it.

4. Whoa, Nelly by Nelly Furtado. Okay, I'm going to admit that I was totally not buying into the whole Nelly Furtado hype when she first came out. MTV and VH1 were playing that "I'm Like A Bird" joint like every 30 minutes and I just couldn't get with it. I have to say that I started warming up to her style when she did the remix of "Get UR Freak On" with Missy, and when I heard "Turn Out The Lights" and "Legend" (which is featured on Red Star Sounds). Well, Joel went out and picked up the album a couple of weeks back. After I burned myself a copy (no props to the RIAA), it was the only CD that I played for a straight week. Like Res, she has a genre-bending style that somehow just works. Standout tracks are "Legend", "Baby Girl", and "...On The Radio." Also "Scared Of You" has to the second-best song that I have heard in the last year; it is absolutely beautiful.

5. 1st Born Second by Bilal. I picked this album up last year after I heard the song "Sometimes" (which is also featured on the Ali Soundtrack). Many of you all know that my main vice is buying CDs (300 and counting). With so many in the collection it's hard to give each one its proper due all of the time, thus was the case here. I listened to it twice or thrice and to the bottom of my rotation it went. Also the two or three times that I did listen to it, I just peeped the songs that were being played on the radio. That was a mistake on my part. A friend of mine asked me to burn her a copy (no props to the RIAA) and thus in the process I listened to the album again. I am hooked. The album is a lyrical and musical work of art. Bilal's style reminds of those old albums by Prince, before he got weird. You know the ones I'm talking about: Purple Rain, Around The World In A Day, and Sign O The Times. Standout songs on the album are "Fast Lane" with Dr. Dre and Jadakiss, "Soul Sista" which was feature on the Love & Basketball Sdtk, the aforementioned "Sometimes", and "Love Poems." I know you are probably wondering why did I say "Scared Of You" was the second-best song that I've heard in a year, and it is because a song on this album eclipsed it. "You Are" is without a doubt THE BEST SONG I have heard in the past 12 months. I have the song ripped on my computer. I pump it up in my home stereo. It is the only song that I've listened to in my car for the past four days. I am totally blown by this joint. Of course, it may have something to do with that fact that I'm just a sucker for love songs, but then y'all read what I wrote up top so there it is.


SHOUT OUTS
1. I have to say hello to my boy Sterling who says that I never give him any shine in my newsletters. Well, Sterling, there you go. You even get to headline the props section. I hope that you and the wife (I still can't believe that you are married) are holding it down up in DC.

2. I didn't get a chance to say congratulations to my girl Chrystal who graduated from USM in the fall. I'm proud of you.

3. A big congrats goes out to the Gulfport High basketball team that went 37 and 1, and won the state title while I was home over Spring Break. It was Gulfport's first title since Chris Jackson (Denver Nuggets fans will remember him by a different name) was there way back in 1988.

4. One time for my girl Karesha, who is following her dreams of being a dancer in Spain. You are a braver individual than me. For one, anyone who has seen me out knows that I couldn't dance my way out of a wet paper bag (Morgan, no jokes about the Delta Ball). For two, I don't think I could have giving up that cash flow. You know a brother has to have income coming in.

5. This one goes out to all my people in Atlanta. I'm moving to the ATL in June to push product for Glaxo Smith Kline in what will be my farewell internship. So, be sure to show a brother some love. I'll probably be up there this weekend; so if anyone has any recommendations for nice apartments to live in, preferably downtown (I'm not trying to fight traffic), I would greatly appreciate it if you dropped me a line.

6. Finally a big shout out to all of my buddies that are actually walking across the stage on April 27. We come from a variety of classes ('94, '95, '96, and '97), however, we all bonded and united under one common fact. We actually have memories of when Different Strokes was still on television and I'm not talking about in syndication.


Okay, that pretty much wraps it up. I know this was extremely long, but considering the fact that I don't know when I'm going to have the time to write again I had to get it out. Oh, and there was one last group that I have beef with that didn't make the top section. You know who you are. I'm here to let you know that the Purveyor of Poetry and the Prince of Prose has not fallen off. I started this joint way back in 1999, and I'm not going anywhere.

As always take care, much love, and God bless.

--AIR © 2002

P.S. Because I send this out to so many people I have been informed that some email programs actually filter it out as junk mail. My creations junk mail? Perish the thought. However, if you ever hear about one of the latest editions and it somehow didn't make it to you. Let me know and I will get it out to you forthwith.

The Air Up Here, Vol. II - Fire & Brimstone Edition

Family, friends and others,

This is going to be extremely lengthy so you might want to read a little bit during that ten minutes while you are drinking your coffee in the morning, read some more during your lunch break, and read the rest on your way out of the office. In fact I am going to break this up into two editions, I'll hit you with the "Fire and Brimstone" first and then I will follow up shortly with the "Love and Happiness."

I guess that maybe I've been away too long. Things in the world have just gotten out of control since I last wrote. Of course there is that day last year that no one will ever forget that has been thoroughly dissected in everyway imaginable, so it will not be mentioned here. No, I like to set my sights on the more obscure issues that might have drifted just below your radar screen, but that are all the more important nonetheless. As I said, maybe I was gone too long because people just think that they can do whatever and say anything without any penalty; without anyone raising a voice and saying, "Hey that's unacceptable." But no more, for I have returned and believe you me that there are going to be consequences and repercussions up in this b*!$&. Before I get started I would like to apologize to anyone that may be offended, but you read the title (I didn't call it "Fire & Brimstone" for nothing) and you can stop reading at anytime or just wait and read the more light-hearted "Love and Happiness Edition" to follow. With that said here we go:

1. Wyatt Emmerich, publisher of The Northside Sun. In an article that appeared in the Clarksdale Press Register on January 31st, Mr. Emmerich makes statements that are so inflammatory, so ignorant, and so blatantly racist that I wonder how they ever were published in a mainstream media outlet. I will just give you a few of the highlights from the article. He states:

a. "How can funding be racially discriminatory when all Mississippi students are free to attend any school they desire? There is no doubt that our three largest universities - Southern [USM], Ole Miss and State - have better facilities and better teachers. Any student who wants to benefit from that funding should attend those schools."

b. "Our so-called African-American universities are vestiges of a period of segregation. If the government acted sensibly, many of these schools would have been closed once segregation ended."

c. "Let's leave the predominantly African-American universities as a second-tier alternative to those students who lack the desire or qualifications to our better universities.”

Yes, it is true that Mississippi's "Big Three" institutions have better facilities (a direct result of years of more funding), but as for better teachers that is definitely open for debate. Just because teachers are paid more at a certain institution, in absolutely no way makes them better. You cannot put a price on the caring, the values, and the individual commitment that many teachers at HBCUs (Historically Black Colleges and Universities) give to their students. Just because a teacher obtained a degree at a prestigious institution does not mean that they know how to disseminate that information in a manner that makes sense to those being taught. I'm sure that you have all been in classes where you just do not understand what the regular teacher is trying to impart. One day you have a substitute teacher or you have a classmate (who obviously hasn't obtained a degree yet) explain it to you and it's like a light goes on in your head. So that rebuffs one argument. Next, the issue about closing HBCUs and having all students attend one of the "Big Three" if they want to take advantage of funding. I propose - strictly for the sake of argument - let's close the "Big Three" shift all the funding to HBCUs and have all students attend them. People would say that idea is preposterous. All of the sudden closing institutions of higher learning does not look so attractive anymore. I'm sure Mr. Emmerich would be the main one championing equal funding then. Next, why does "black" automatically have to be associated with "second-tier" or as is the case here in Florida "third-tier." I cannot speak for anyone else, so I will just use my own personal example. I did not attend Florida A&M University because I couldn't get in to Ole Miss or Florida State. In fact, I turned down both academic and athletic scholarships to all of the "Big Three" schools in Mississippi, Florida State, several Ivy League schools, and to many other "prominent" institutions. I am at FAMU, because in addition to giving me an education in business that I would put up against any program in the nation; it gives me a sense of belonging that I could not get at a "majority" institution being a typical African-American child that grew up in the suburbs. Finally, just to throw in another quick fact, the majority of black students in graduate school come from HBCUs. Next topic, because I'm starting to get heated.

2. Gary Condit. Can this guy not leave well enough alone? He had finally been knocked out of the public eye. His face was no longer being splashed across your television screen every 15 minutes. Yet, he just couldn't go quietly into the sunset and practice law; no, he wants to run for re-election. Maybe he likes the limelight, maybe he is just craves the attention, or maybe he is just plain stupid. You can't say that I didn't try to warn him.

3. Pat Buchanan. In case you all missed it at your local Barnes & Noble or wherever fine books are sold, Pat Buchanan has a new book out entitled - The Death of the West: How Dying Populations and Immigrant Invasions Imperil Our Country and Civilization. The title gives you the quick and dirty synopsis of the book. He basically states that any non-white person is imperiling "our country and civilization." I didn't know I was such a threat. The last time I checked I was born here too. He blames uncontrolled immigration, political correctness, and white working women who have stopped having babies for killing the "God-and-country culture of the 1940s and 1950s." Ahhh, the 1940s and 1950s, an absolute Golden Age for America . . . everybody's doing the twist, drinking shakes at the malt shoppe, and watching Donna Reed, Mr. Ed, and I Dream of Jeanie on television. Yes, my friends it gets no better than that . . . but then like the majority of the population you wake up and realize that you are not a white male. Women who wanted to work were definitely not looked upon with adoration back then. Negroes (used for emphasis) were supposed to know their place. " I-I-I will cook for yaa sur. I-I-I will shine yaa shoes sur. I'll step and fetch for yaa sur." Put me in a Jules Verne time machine and take me back there quick. As for this being "our country," almost nothing gets to me more than hearing those talking heads on the Sunday morning news programs saying "our country." I know when they are saying "our country" they are sure not talking about me. Or better yet remember in school learning how Christopher Columbus "discovered" America. I'm not going to lie; I love getting off for Columbus Day, but what the @#$% did he discover. He discovered that the Native Americans were already getting along just fine without the so-called "civilized" European influence. If this is anyone's country it is the Native Americans, but where are they now, pushed onto reservations. Like Chris Rock said in one of his comedy acts, "When was the last time you just saw a Native American family out just chillin?" I've been to over half the states in this country and I don't think that I ever have seen it. Mr. Buchanan wants to return to an America where the schools teach our children "what to believe, what to value, how to think, how to live." I'm sorry, but I can't buy that brand. Values should be taught by parents in the home. What Mr. Buchanan is talking about smells just a little bit too much like some of the scenarios that are depicted in the classic books 1984 and Brave New World. Instead of returning America to some antiquated system that caused divisions that still reverberate throughout society today; maybe he should look forward to finding real solutions to cure what ails our country. I'm telling you in this edition I'm pulling no punches. To steal a line from a famous song "I'm gonna pull back the curtains and open up the windows. Y'all don't want me to continue." But I am going to do it anyway.

4. The DMCA. You know back in 1998 when the stock market flying and everything was absolutely lovely with the world a small piece of legislation passed which probably didn't even make the back page of the paper. I must admit that never paid any mind to it until last year. You might not know what it is now, but if you love music, movies, or electronic books it affects you, yes you. The Digital Millennium Copyright Act of 1998 was proposed by motion picture studios, music producers, and book publishers to be a law that stops pirates from circumventing technical protection measures used to safeguard copyrighted works. It is now turning into a law that attacks the "Fair Use" principles, which have been the catalysts for innovation the U.S. for the past 150 years. It has been used to imprison a Russian computer programmer who came to U.S. to give an academic lecture. It has prevented Princeton Professor Edward Felten and his colleagues from publishing the results of their scientific research on how to defeat the SDMI watermarking technology; even though the SDMI issued an open challenge to find someone that could defeat the system. It has been used to prevent a magazine from even linking to a certain website. Basically it is the beginning of the end for your precious First Amendment rights. And believe it or not the courts and Congress thus far have sided with companies with the fat pockets.

5. General Ignorance. Now you all know that out of all people I try to stay away from issues concerning race. When I write this piece, I always try to review and revise it to make sure that I am not being too inflammatory. However, ignorance has just continued to escalate, to run amuck and I cannot turn a blind eye or a deaf ear. Last October, fraternity brothers at Auburn University donned Omega Psi Phi shirts and blackface in what was supposed to be a joke. Blackface and simulated beatings and lynchings are not exactly my idea of a joke. Last month a group of law students over at Florida State threw a "Pimps and Ho's" Party in which they recreated scenes out of the 70's blaxploitation films. Once again this was supposed to all be conducted under the guise of "good clean fun." I'm not saying that this issue is totally one-sided. If you watch a one-hour block of BET during any video show you can see that we (Black people) help to sponsor some of this ignorance with many of the images that we portray of ourselves. I just want to know when does the ignorance stop and when does the healing being on both sides?

I know that I probably ruffled some feathers, but you know it was done without any malicious intent. To my Caucasian brothers and sisters you know that I have much love for you. To everyone out there keep your head up, remain strong and maybe together we can make the world a better place. I'll see you in the next edition. As always, God Bless and take care.

--AIR © 2002

That Damn Ric Simon Speaks VI

Friends, Associates, Girls who I love and you know whoyou are, and My Neezees, welcome to another edition!

1.Does Jay Z not have like a two-way pager or evencell phone to put a girls number in so he can "hollaat them when he gets off tour"?

2.Is BET going to have a Who Wants to be a V-Jaycontest soon, to replace you know who?

2A. Could 106 & Park be subject to"Gentrification"?...And you all know what I mean!

3.Where is Christina Aguliera?

4.Is it just me or have we still not seen DickCheyney?

5.Does George W look like he is suffering from"melanoma"

6.Do you think Dave Thomas was actually eating Wendy'shamburgers all these years or was he eating Raley'sand Krystals on the side?

7. Doesn't it seem like yesterday that a stamp costs25 cents?

8. Now that Univ of Miami has regained nationalprominence, does this mean a Two Live Crew Comback?

9. Are we, "FAMU", going to Really go to Miami andplay the Canes next year or are we going for the roadtrip?----You know how we Rattlers do!

10. Is Juanita Jordan fine or what fellas?

11. Where is Ricky Martin?

12. Is there some subliminal message regarding theMiller "HIGH" Life commercials?

13. For those of you who watched the Lord of theRings, was it just me or were Gandof and otherssmoking some serious weed?

14. Even more on weed......I know that smokingcigarettes can lead to weight loss. What I didn'tknow was that by getting caught with 250 pounds, onecould get caught with 125 pounds less of weed within aweek?

14A. I guess Nate "Newton" was applying a fundamentallaw of physics crafted by his cousin Issac...What goesup must eventually come down.

14B. Stunning results on the above eh? I feel asunday morning infomercial on BET coming, starring youguessed it FAMU's finest....Mr Nate Newton?

15. How did fabulous go from riding in an Escalade inhis first video, to straight riding the train in"Holla Back"?

16. How and why did Teen Summit get reduced from anacutal "summit" between a collection of teens to 3people just "kicking it on the set".

17. Speaking of the "Set", don't we all miss the"Set"!

18. Who's taller Jermaine Dupri, Ludacris, Ja Rule orFredo from Lord of the Rings?

19. Who needs to visit the dentist quickly? Lil Wayne or Fabulous?

20. Where in the "Hell" is Bin Laden? Maybe Hell isthe best place to look right now, ya think? Well Kids that is enough for today. Please stay tunedfor the year 2001 awards. Holla Back

The Air Up Here, Volume I

Friends, Romans, Countrymen lend me your ears. In an effort to expand my growing empire of commentary and polish my writing skills at the same time I have decided to produce a new column aptly titled "The Air Up Here." The title, of course, being a play on the fact that yours truly is 6'5" and has had to answer that ridiculous question more than once in my lifetime. Basically you can expect all of the features that made The Life & Times . . . so enjoyable except for the fact that I won't be talking about myself (as if that is possible). In my first issue I'm taking on all forms of popular media and the celebrities that dominate it. This is quite lengthy so you might want to read it stages or wait till your lunch break.


1. First up, Mariah Carey. What is she now? R&B singer? Pop diva? Movie star? Whitney Houston wannabe? Stripper? It's kind of hard to keep up these days. Now she's finally gone off the deep end and suffered a breakdown. Break, breakdown, steady breaking me on down (oh, where is Bone Thugs & Harmony to sing the hook when you need them).

2. Speaking of Whitney Houston, she recently signed a deal that is reported to be largest in the history of the record biz. Believe it or not, I don't have anything bad to say about her right now. However, I'm sure that you heard that her husband, the self-anointed "Original King of R&B," had to check himself into a New Jersey hospital. He was reportedly suffering from exhaustion, being overheated, having a fever, etc. He however refused to take a blood test so the doctors could check for any other contributing factors. Hmmm . . . I'm not saying to Bobby might have been up to his old tricks, but if he was it's his prerogative.

3. While I'm on the subject of divas, can Destiny's Child do a performance nowadays without getting booed? We all remember the chorus that the 76ers' fans rained down on them at the NBA Finals. At the Hot 97 Summer Jam after singing "Survivor" and "Bootylicious" and receiving more boos they decided to do the tried and true Showtime at the Apollo trick and sing a gospel song. Beyonce even was quoted as saying, "Let's see if they'll boo God." The trick didn't work. Let's be real, no body was booing God (I don't think anyone is that stupid). It's those wack songs on their last album and Beyonce sensory overload that people don't like. Next topic.

4. For those of you that are not boxing fans or those of you without HBO (read Jamal) you might have missed light-heavyweight champion Roy Jones, Jr.'s foray into the world of hip hop music. On his dazzling debut single "Y'all Must Have Forgot" he waxes poetically in front of a Big Pimpinish backdrop. He spits fire with classic lines such as:

a. "When I beat Bernard Hopkins and won the IBF/ the right was hurt so I beat him with the left."
b. "David Jilesco, he really asked for it/ so I beat him a fractured wrist."
c. And my personal favorite: "Remember the right hook that James Toney got/ a sucka move I stole from a gamecock."

5. Martina Hingis and Martina Navratilova. In a Time magazine article on newsstands now Martina Hingis is attributed to saying," that the Williams sisters only get endorsements because they are black and when anything goes wrong they are always the crutch of blaming their problems on racism. The elder Martina went on the say that no one in the tennis game properly criticizes them because they don't want to be branded as racists and that they (the Williams sisters) should show more respect for the game by devoting more attention to it (e.g. play more tournaments). Without totally delving into my list of objectionable personal experiences, I ask the question: When has being black ever really made it more likely for you to get something? Hold up I've got it. If you count being followed in department stores, receiving ominous stares, having women clutching their purses in elevators, or maybe getting a butt kickin' by the police as perks then maybe Hingis has a point. Every time I hear Hingis or Navratilova or Chris Everett or John McEnroe talking about the Williams sisters, it seems like they have guzzled a nice tall glass of HaterAde first. If Venus and Serena don't feel like playing tournaments that's their decision and why should they be criticized for taking college courses while the majority of the other players on the tour are high school (if that) dropouts. Moving on.

6. Did anyone see Babyface's venture into the world of acting on Soulfood? All I can say is "What the @#$% was he thinking?" Did he not go back and look at the tape of the show before it aired? It had to be the absolute worst acting performance that I have seen since the Lakers' Robert Horry made a guest appearance on Passions. I'm sure Eric remembers the line "Oh look, you learned to play basketball. That's great." Anyway, I digress.

7. Have you all been keeping up with latest installment of The Real World? Well, on the last episode Coral (major attitude) and Nicole (way tooooooooooooo much make up) went shopping instead of working in the office with the rest of casts. When the boss rewards the workers with Outkast (so fresh and so clean) tickets, they throw a major tantrum and pandemonium ensues. What did their lazy behinds think they were going to get for skipping work? A cookie!!

8. Gary Condit. The initials D. A. come to mind whenever they air a story about him on the news. Admittedly, I only watched highlights of the interview, but how he fixed his mouth spew some of those answers just boggled my mind. For example, when asked directly if he had a sexual relationship with Chandra Levy; he goes into this long spiel about how he's been married for 34 years and loves his wife and family very deeply. Thus for the sake of them and of the Levy family he will not comment on that. I just want to know was he thinking about his wife and kids before or after? It's just a thought.


Okay, now that I have thoroughly flamed just about everyone. I will give you my hottest picks in entertainment now available at you local Target, BestBuy, or any other establishment that will relieve you of money.

DVDs:
1. The Best of the Chris Rock Show, Vol.2: This is laugh out loud funny even after watching it over and over again. The Black Progress Chart will have you asking yourself everyday, "Are we there yet?" It's a must-have for any collection.

2. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: Beautifully reproduced on DVD; makes me wish I had seen it on the big screen when it first came out. One the best English dubs that I have seen also, definitely not that typical Saturday afternoon martial arts fare from when we were younger. The movie, while thoroughly entertaining and exciting, also gives a powerful "carpe diem" message.

CDs:
1. Hi-Teknology by DJ Hi-Tek: You probably first heard of him on Talib Kweli's "The Blast." The DJ straight from Da Natti has released one of the most original albums that I've heard in a long time. A masterful collection of eclectic beats that you can relax to on your couch or pump up in your ride on the way to club. Features Talib Kweli, FAMU's own Common, and Jonell who sings that "I really don't know what you came here for/ round and round we go" song. I highly recommend it.

2. Superhero by Brian McKnight: Everyone knows what to expect with a Brian McKnight joint - melodic ballads, smooth up tempo songs, and one gospel song at the end to tie it all together. This is your typical Brian McKnight album. He does a collabo with Justin Timberlake that has TRL written all of it. The current single "The Love of My Life" is probably the best song on the album and my personal favorite. My only issue with the album is that a lot the beats aren't original. "The Love of My Life" obviously steals from Prince's "Scandalous", another song sounds like K-Ci and JoJo's "Don't Rush" and still another sounds like Blackstreet's "Tonight's the Night." To top it off, if you check the liner notes absolutely no production credit is given to those artists. Is he trying to take a page out of Lauryn Hill's book here? Just wondering. So if you are a rabid Brian McKnight fan I would say definitely pick up the album. If you are one of those people that builds your CD collection through BMG or Columbia House music clubs I would say save you $11.88 and wait until it hits those outlets. If you were just getting into Brian McKnight music I would skip this album and buy the first two albums Brian McKnight and I Remember You, which are his best by far.

3. Aaliyah by Aaliyah: Words cannot express the loss I felt when I heard the news of her tragic death this past weekend. It's strange that news of celebrity deaths has never really fazed me before. However, hearing of her passing hit me hard. I guess seeing over the years how genuinely sweet she seemed to be and how close she was to her brother made me think about what if that had happened to my sister and brother. I know my world would absolutely come to an end because I love them so much. This is just another reminder that you need to let people know how much they mean to you while they are still here. She is one of the few artists whose albums I actually buy the day they are released because I know it will be that fire. Her new album did not disappoint and is one befitting to be her legacy. It consists of 14 tracks with 8 of them being excellent. My favorites are the Timbaland produced "We Need A Resolution", the Static produced "Loose Rap", and I had to hold back the tears listening to the beautifully haunting "It's Whatever." With this album she seemed to find her own voice and let us in to experience a little bit of her esoteric spirit. She will be missed.


I know this was way long, but I haven't written in awhile and had a lot to say. I must say that it feels good to be back in TallyHo for the fall semester for the first time in two years. I'm still in the same apartment and have the same number if you want to holla, holla. As always take care, much love and God Bless.

--AIR © 2001

The Rattlesnake's Bite (Archived August 2001)

Yep, it's about that time. Coming off another loot-laden summer, a recent Janet concert, live viewings of Raw and Smackdown and soon to embark on the free-agent like recruiting process at a top 10 law school, you might say your boy is feeling pretty good. Well you'd be right. However, being the malcontent. greedy individual that I am, I'm never happy. Here come the venom (not that shitty bastard in Tallshassee either).

1. Mariah - this heffer has been covered in recent e-mails, but still. Being able to remember when Mariah actually wore clothes makes me feel old (but not as old as you jokers save Gerald). Now she looks like she could go work at the Gold Club. So she has a nervous breakdown. Who gives a rat's ass! My guess is somebody showed her the Vision of Love video and the flashback was too much. Now her and her manufactured sound are going to be in a movie. I can't wait for this shit...it is a flick isn't it?

2. Marion Jones - so Marion lost a damn race and everybody threw a party. How pathetic is that? "We're getting closer", "It's time for somebody else to win some". See, these hookers are the same type of people that support the breakup of Microsoft. She still can kick any of their asses and now that she's rid of that big, creatine taking, felon of an ex-husband, it's about to get worse for everybody. I'm not suprised she lost. After carrying Mr. Stay-Puft around for so long, it had to be different without him. Anyway, the former Tarheel came back to start another streak and I look for more asswhipping at the Goodwill Games.

3. College Football - The best time of the year is upon us. If this Brazilian New Year thing doesn't go off, look for Fountain in Pasedena for the Miami v. Michigan National Championship game. Alright, my beloved Wolverines may not make it, but damn if the 'Canes ain't going. After being shafted last year, look for more off-field thuggery, taunting, running up the score and all the other factors that made the Dade County boys a national power. By the way Gerald, I'm expecting last year's Sears trophy to arrive in Miami via Fed-Ex anyday now. Theft is theft.

4. Lewis/Rahman - Apparantly The Sissy Englishman and Haseem (I refuse to call him The Rock) can't wait until November to get it on. Good. Why the hell does a fight take 8 or 9 months to come off any-dam-way? I know cats who'll go to war, 7 days a week for 2 dollars and a biscuit. This is bullshit. Rahman said Lewis did something gay and Lewis (in a Freudian slip) assumed he meant homosexual tendencies. Then Lewis proceeding to give an impromptu chest massage that he tried to pass off as a push. My ass. He was feeling the man up. Rahman rightfully commenced to whipping Lewis' sorry ass all over the ESPNZone. I hope Mr. Belvedere gets beaten up again and retires. He should take Evander's old and stanking ass with him.. I want to see Mike "The Millenium Savage" Tyson get another shot at the title. I figure if he wins, the market will crash, unemployment rates will rise, Strom Thurmond and Jesse Helms will both have heart attacks and just general fun for Fountain will ensue. Afterwards Tyson can return to the WWF, get his ass beaten by Austin, who will unify all the titles.

5. Replacement Refs - Tagliabue has locked out the damn referees and hired a new crew. Well anybody whose ever talked to me about labor relations knows I fully support this type of shit. Fuck 'em. Fire 'em and replace 'em. Fuck the refs and fuck these never-happy ass airline pilots and anybody else. They all can be replaced. Apparantly the players are mad and feel the refs should be paid. I say the players can pay for it them-damn-selves or shut their candy asses up. I expect the refs to continue to be screwed. I heard Patrick Ewing was serving as their official spokesman. Of course, none of this ref stuff is going to save Jamal and Granvel from this asskicking in fantasy football and a repeat by my Victoria Rattlesnakes.

6. Danny Almonte - This is the lanky sumbitch who has kicked all the ass in the Little League World Series. Breaking news is that this fucker is 14, not 12. Additionally, this little bastard apparantly ain't been to school in the 19 months he's been in the damn country. I say beatdowns for everybody involved. Y'all have heard me say "win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat", but Jesus age Christ, cheat like you have common sense. Did Rolando Paulino or whatever the fuck his name is think he could get away with this shit? Forged certificates, lies and half the damn team ain't speaking English. This truly sucks, nobody cares about this shit. None of this translates into a professional career. Why bother? The stinking bastards from Japan or China kick everybody's ass in the end anyway. I'm all for this persecution though. These fuckers are from the Bronx and call themselves the Baby Bombers and God knows I hate the fucking Yankees. Deport this asshole or make him pitch to whoever the minor leaguer is who Superkicked that catcher. Pitch inside and it's an asskicking for Danny. That'll teach him.

Side notes:
Why don't people leave Barry Bonds alone?

Why didn't MTV hire Iceberg Slim to make a special guest appearance on the Real World to slap some sense into these out of control, crazy bitches?Where in the blue hell is former Carolina point guard, Ed Cota? (Tate and Hadley, don't say in a retirement home.)

Why do people think Georgia Tech is going to whip Florida State?

If some chick takes Blu Cantrell's advice and spend all a dude's money and fucks up his clothes after he cheats on her, shouldn't this bitch be sued?

Why can't somebody press the mute button on Destiny's Child? Leave the picture on, just turn off the sound.

Why is the employment market so bad? Law, business, tech, it doesn't matter. This shit is fucking up my California plans for next summer. I blame the modern-day Rothschild, Alan Greenspan. He can keel the fuck over right along with Thurmond and Helms. Rusty Bastard.

This shitty.And that's the bottom line 'cause I said so!

That's All I Have To Say About That (Archived August 2001)

Typically I would put some time in between installment because I know black people and with us reading is fundamental which essentially means that "I ain't reading no long ASS emails on a regular basis". I understand that but I don't give a fuck so here it is.

1.) Observations from a brother who doesn't have any pay channels in the summer (i.e. HBO, Showtime, Skinamax) don't ask why just feel my pain.

a.) BET-So what's up with BET having a Year In Review show in August......I can understand a Year In Review show in December or January (the beginning of a new year and all) I can even stretch and say that I understand a Year In Review show in June (the sixth month hence the middle of the year) but fucking August what the hell kind of calendar are they on. Wait I got it, this is the quintessential example of Nigga Time they planned to originally air the show in January and because of Niggas being Niggas, "dog I must have lost the tape during the merger" it didn't air until August.

b.) Arabesque Movies- Is anybody embarrassed to say that they have watched an entire one of these BET masterpieces. All right so I watched one or two of these movies and I'm still able to be secure in my manhood and you know what, they weren't all that bad. Now before you jump up and say Jamal's lost his damn mind remember Jamal Doesn't Have Any Pay Channels. It's either the Arabesque movie or the MSNBC expose on women weightlifters (by the way I watched that on Saturday and let me just say that I Am Scared). You know I especially enjoyed the movie with Kadeem Hardison (Where has he been and what happen to the flip glasses) and Lark V(fuck I can't spell it but you know who I'm talking about she is that chick from Saved By the Bell). Well anyway Kadeem is this Arsenio Hall type and Lark is this Congressman's daughter and well shit to cut a story short and not ruin the whole movie (in case you end up flipping past BET in search of quality television) they fall in love.

c.) Arabesque Movies II-Here is an interesting observation from the movie previously mentioned in section B. Well I found it quite humors that a Chante Moore song happens to be playing in the background on a number of occasions when Kadeem and Lark are getting it on (having sex for the unimaginative). So You Got a Man Huh.

d.) Chante Moore and Dwayne Wayne-That brings up the question What happened? Damn I mean you made a record about how you "Got a Man" and next thing I know you don't have a man. Say girl somebody take your man? Get tired of your man? Maybe he wasn't the man (all you girls get your head out of the gutter)? You prefer a woman over your man (for all the freaks in the house)? Well if anybody knows the deal let me know because I don't think the Enquirer covered this one (and I'm not even going to say anything about Phylicia and Ahmad Rashad).

e.) Arabesque Movies III-Well all thought these movies kind of suck they do show black love which is all too often neglected in this society and absent the Cosby Show reruns, not shown enough on T.V (you can catch an hours worth of Cosby on TBS at 4:00pm eastern Ted Turner is my mother fucker).

f.) THE Real World-Yes I watch that shit (because lets say it all together Jamal Doesn't Have Any Pay Channels) and finally after years of drama we finally have three yes three black people on the show. I don't think they could possibly kick all of them off or could they. You know I think this is a truly great moment in t.v. (some may disagree) because little white boys and girls with their Backstreet Boy CD's and Janet Posters (Eric I knew you would like this) are finally getting an opportunity to see a somewhat real depiction of Black people. I mean they have had several conversation about race, music (Maxwell specifically, one of my personal favorites) and most importantly why black women have problem with black men dating white women. While I'm sure that most white kids still don't understand the reason for this argument (we're all people dude so love is love) it's still great to know that they have to listen to our perspective for at least thirty minutes on a Tuesday night.

2. W- Shit no one told me we had two Black presidents in a row. You ask how do I know this well because the last president is living in Harlem and the current president is taking a month vacation. What kind of Nigga shit is that.........now we(black people) have been know to take a month vacation before but usually when we come back we don't have a job anymore. What the fuck............you know I blame people in Florida for this shit. So what are you going to do W, fire up Airforce one, pick up the girls (his daughters and hopefully an ugly intern because everyone is doing them) and go get a couple of drinks? Fuck it, why don't you come to big D we will fire up the grill and then we can talk about your dumb ass, your daughters drunk ass, and you Vice Presidents heart attack having dead ass (if the FBI is reading this I'm just joking). You know that was mean. I take it back. I'm sure that Cheeny will make it until next year as long as he keeps popping Energizers.

Single thoughts because I be thinking:
1.) Don't you just love the Boondooks (Gerald calm down) a black comic strip for us by us.
2.) Did Lil Kim's breasts get bigger again
3.) Where the fuck is the new Maxwell CD
4.) I walked from the car to the movie theater on Sunday and came to the conclusion that it just isn't safe being outside in Texas in the Summer (How hot was it you ask, well all I know is that it was at least triple digits and once it goes past there I stop counting for my own safty I mean no nigga should know the true temperature that might cause a run on Kool Aid or something)
5.) I love AC, AC is my friend, if you don't have AC, don't use AC, I aint coming over that aint hattin it's just the truth because I have to draw the line somewhere and in Texas that's where you draw the line.
6.) Has anybody seen Dre Davis?
7.) White people will always steal your ideas at work so keep them to yourself.
8.) While I am still reeling from my golf defeat at the hands of THE CHAP I take comfort in the fact that I beat his ass several time in John Madden. Don't come to the house unless you are ready to bring it.
9.) I also expect to rebound with a crushing defeat of Mr. Simon on Saturday (if we are lucky he will throw a fit and break a club or something).
10.) And last but not least those feeling sorry for a brotha may request my address and send tapes of Sex in the City, Soul Food, The Roy Jones fight, that expose on the Baltimore Raven, any episode of Real Sex (everybody watches but nobody admits it) and any other quality television that I happen to be missing because lets say it all together

Jamal Doesn't Have Any Pay Channels. That's all I have to say about that.

That's All I Have To Say About That (Archived July 2001)

With the coming and going of the CFA (by the way I passed that bitch so all the hell and heartache was worth it, well at least until I have to go through it again next year) and after almost a month to reflect on the boys trip to the Dirty South for the Essence Fest I felt the need to let out some of my thoughts. This may be a little lengthy so feel free to read it in installments.

1.) First off lets talk about Mariah- Is anyone tired of seeing her ass in videos. You know I don't know about everyone else but I remember this nice girl who used to sing songs like Emotions and have kids in her videos. I don't know who this new girl is but there sure as hell ain't no damn kids in her videos. I mean damn can the shorts be any tighter, no really I want to see both cheeks, and forget about leaving it up to the imagination, I don't have to imagine anything because I can see it all. You know for all those artists looking to do a fat video and higher some skanky no cloths wearing video girls just do a colabo with Mariah and kill two birds with one stone.

2.) Congressional Interns-Ok so this Chandra Levy chick is missing and we've got the entire police force looking in the parks for her dead body because here mom and dad are releasing videos of here like they are Blockbuster. First off if you are going to commit a crime in DC do it now while the cops are busy. Second off I bet there are over 100 people missing in DC alone and you don't see the cops combing the park for these other milk box candidates. But really here is the important things that troubles me about this situation. Why are all Washington interns ugly? I mean first Monica and now Chandra (I don't know about everybody else but I'm not risking my career for these two beauty queens). I mean what kind of application do you have to fill out to become an intern in D.C. Can you give quality head? When you go to work what type of underwear do you prefer (bloomers, g-string, non at all)? Lastly knowing that our faithful leaders are willing to put in extra work and stay late hours just to make the constituents (or constituent as the case may be) happy makes me feel at total ease with the political system in the United States.

3.) The Gold Club-Apparently in Atlanta there is a strip club that prominent athletes used to frequent and on some occasions receive sexual favors from the strippers (imagine that) free of charge. Apparently, the sex was subsidized and supported by the owner (now that is something that I have never heard of) who was looking to improve his client base. Now I know about this because the prosecution is trying to prove a racketeering (does anyone know what that means) charge against the owner based on the fact that he laundered money and apparently paid strippers to have sex with athletes. First off why do the athletes even have to testify I mean they didn't committee a crime so basically this trial must be my chance to see how athletes really live and apparently they are doing ok. Example number one Patric Ewing apparently went to the club on one particular night and receive oral sex in a back room from two of the strippers however when they offered to come back to his hotel he declined (strong man seeing as how he is married and all). Example number two Andruw Jones (Atlanta braves outfielder) attended a party held by the owner of the club where apparently two women were participating in "lesbian action" and apparently he joined in while the other party attendees watched. When asked by the prosecutors if he thought this was strange he said and I quote "I just know it was a party and there were girls there". All I have to say is "Wow so that is how it is on a regular basis". I blame my parent for my shortcomings in the athletic arena and my inability to become a pro athlete. I really don't have anything else to say about this.

Questions/observations:
1.) Why the hell did the T-Wolves resign Joe Smith even after he caused them to get the equivalent of the NBA death penalty? Last time I checked Joe Smith sucked.
2.) Todd MacCulloch continues to prove that if you are tall and white there is a place for you in the NBA. He also proves that if you multiply your stats on a per minute basis anyone can be a fucking all-star.
3.) Why the hell is J-lo fucking with my heart looking so good in her new video?
4.) Deion thanks for saving us from the torture of seeing you coon for another football season. Now if you would only give up on the baseball shit.

Quotes from the NO
1.) A discussion about clothing "I don't know what happens to my shirts they must shrink or something."
2.) Yet another discussion about clothing " What's up with the Pink shirt"
3.) You must always understand who wears the pants and who will refuse to take them off if you don't act right, " Uh Gran can you come here for a second"
4.) You must always understand who wears the pants and who will refuse to take them off if you don't act right II " Uh Arisha this is my girlfriend ......."
5.) The orange and green is every where even at the House of Blues "FAMU, FAMU, FAM God Damn U"
6.) Some brothers will go down with the ship even when they know that the ship is going down "What's up man, Yo we heard that you said the party was wack and that we had Bison (noun: big girls) running through there but it got better, it got better."
7.) When asked about bachelor status by an un-wanted heavy weight admirer the proper reply should be "What's up with me and Julie, shit what's up with you and sandwiches."
8.) I though fat was supposed to keep you warm in the cold "Could you turn down the A.C." the reply "That's not going to happen" the follow up question "Can I at least get some covers" the reply "No"........boy I tell you some brothers just have no respect.
9.) Famous last word "Hey Mitch Tene and Melissa are downstairs make sure you don't open the door" we all know that the warning was not headed and consequently we were forced to endure the torture that is Tene, Melissa and the I Love Sandwiches girl.
10.) A brother who just can't under stand how his boys just dropped the ball "So what you're saying is that the girl came back and you just let her leave?"
11.) A brother who has just come to the realization that he was terribly wrong (see number 10.) "Man if I would have known that her girl looked like that I would have let them stay."
12.) Golfing would be a lot easier if they didn't put so many obstacles on the course "Damn I hit another tree."
13.) A beaten down man looking for help "I just need a par 3 so that I can get my confidence back" it is unfortunate but even that didn't help.
14.) Those who can't pace themselves will suffer the consequences "All I know is that I spent about an hour in the bathroom of the club and I missed the fight."
15.) Even a nice party can turn into a battle royal " Oh shit she just threw that bottle at her." 16.) One brother to another " all I know is that I said that nigga had on tight pants and I get the evil eye, even his girl laughed because that nigga did have on some tight pants."

Last but not least a few observations from the NO:
1.) belt loops are going out of style and that is a good thing
2.) J.R. Ryder isn't afraid to throw a beat down on his girl in a hotel lobby
3.) John Singleton is a dumb ass
4.) Tyrone (his mamma calls him Ty-Ron Rico calls him Tyrone and Jamal calls him a week ass bitch) Lue (after playing defense against Allen for all of a quarter) now has a posse.
5.) Judging by the long line of women at his party (conservative girl to guy ratio of 12 to 1) apparently people forgot Magic has Aids.
6.) Last but not least the boys had a great time and will continue to do so in the future. And that's all I have to say about that.

The Rattlesnake's Bite (Archived 2001)

Damn right! It's your, the E-Wicked, hollering from the plush law offices in Western Michigan. Since a few of my former roommates have decided the blast the cyberworld with their takes on society, let ol' Fountain have a crack at it too.

Roll call...
1. BOBBY 'GHETTO BLASTER' BROWN. Tate, you mean to tell me this ashy sumbitch is in a movie now? What, did COPS strike a motion picture deal with Paramount or something? Jesus Christ, just what we need, this ignorant, toothy bastard on the big screen portraying a 'brother'. Well unless I've missed out on a few euphemisms (yeah J-Daddy, Austin's got a vocab too) for us, brother does not equate to that fucking animal, Bobby Brown. He is almost of Tyson-like savagry, and Larry Phillips stupidity. Need I remind y'all that this is the same nimrod that ripped a dude's earring slap out of his ear while at Disney World. Yeah, I always get violent after riding It's A Small World too. Fucking grown-ass Bebe's Kid. If you listen to Bobby's weed-smoking, weave-wearing wife, maybe Ghetto Blaster should star in his own movie be called 'The Original King of R&B'. What is that shit about and why does the bitch keep saying it? Unless R&B stands for 'recivitsm and bail' I don't want to hear. I'm sick of this shit. I want to see a Texas-Death/Fatal Fourway/Barb Wire/Loser Leave Town Match/No DQ with Ghetto Blaster, Crazy Larry (not Frieder) Phillips, Tyson the Cannibal and Puffy. I don't give a shit who wins, but the winner can have the honor of being the posterboy for Supathug 2001. What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what.

2. MICHAEL JACKSON. Now this ain't about Mike groping some little white boy's. Personally, I don't believe that shit. What it is about is Mike losing his goddamn mind. How many of y'all saw Mike posing (B-Boy style, if you listen to that idiot Sway on MTV) with Jay-Z at some award show. Mike is running his ass around talking about, "You ain't see nothing yet. " Bullshit, Mike. I've seen plenty. I've seen you turn into the real-life Chameleon. Somebody ought to cast his ass in the Spiderman movie. Thanks to shitty-ass Pepsi, I've seen your hair catch on fire (Hee Hee). I've seen Thriller get surpassed as the best selling album of all-time (The Eagles). And I've seen you crying like somebody after a Roy Firestone interview about the police coming and taking pictures of your body. Shit, don't cry. Drop your draws and let 'em see your little shrivled up, polka-dot wee-wee. Back to this Jay-Z shit though, I'm Mike comes out Hammer-style with some 'Pumps and a Bump' crap with a damn skully and some Pelle Pelle jeans, I'm whipping somebody's ass.

3. NBA RUN-DOWN. Kobe just spent 13.5 M on a house for he and his Betty, Jane, Katey, Rebecca, Sarah (Uh oh!) whatever her name is wife. I've heard this shit has a water-slide and some type of small roller coaster, amongst other amenities. Sounds like an amusement park to me. Better not invite Ghetto Blaster over. So Kobe has another ring. Well, I don't like the shit either, but goddammit I'm about to get used to it. This shit is going to continue as long as Shaq maintains the ability to karate-chop Kobe's ass and knock him out of the Black Hole syndrome. You know, ball goes in, doesn't come out. You think teams would be trying to conspire to do something, but no. We get fucking Stephon 'Fishmouth' Marbury and Jason 'Beat Her Down' Kidd traded for one another. Who gives a shit? That won't help. Forget about New Jersey. Phoenix has NEVER played defense. Not Kevin 'My Fade Is Always Tight' Johnson, not Barkley, not Hornacek and not the Wonder Twins, Dan Majerle and Tom Chambers. (They're the Wonder Twins because people always wondered how two white boys could dunk like brothers). If Macy Webber and Gary Payton don't go to the same team, cancel Christmas and give the Lakers a 3-peat. Now I usually don't say shit against Jordan. But I tell you what, he better have Barkley or Magic or some-damn-body, because he ain't winning shit with Kwame Brown. David Stern has to be pissed. 5 high school bastards in the first round, 4 of the top 8. Fuck it, if I could I would have jumped too. But that doesn't mean these bastards have earned shit. Fuck 'em. Taking the fuckers that high doesn't make sense, especially when they all play in the post. It'll be four long years (and Laker champsionships) before Eddy Curry or Tyson Chandler is ready to step on the court with Shaq Daddy. Fuck trying to beat him. My pick is Battier. This fucking Klingon has long irrated me by kicking Carolina's ass since he left Detroit's Country Day High. Certainly, he can cause chaos in the shittiest draft since 1986. Yeah 86, Chris Washburn, Len Bias, Roy Tarpley, William Bedford, them motherfuckers. Talent, Trouble and Tragedy my ass. Shitty, Shitty and More Shitty.

4. HOUSEKEEPING. It goes without saying that this will be the most fun had in New Orleans since Ricky Williams wore that fucking wedding dress. My man the DRS has come under fire lately, but let me say that there's a difference in fumbling and choosing not to score (or even running 25 yards around for a 3 yard touchdown). I'm with J-Daddy, I'm being an opportunist and plan to re-enact the infamous Fountain No-Huddle Offense (Alumni of M1407 know what I'm talking about). Never mind the consequences, I was fucking locked up in Ann Arbor, slaving away since August. Time to have some fun. Some real "lay down in the grass and look at the stars" fun. Some "jump on top of a wet Honda trying to prove a point" fun. Some "call a girl a bitch cause she won't dance with you" fun. Some "I don't know my name, but I can mutlipy" fun. Regarding the above jokes, the names have been left off to protect the innocent...or drunken, but you all know who you are. Time to get it on. And that's the bottom line cause I damn well said so!

That's All I Have To Say About That (Archived June 2001)

After freeing myself from that hell that is know as the CFA exam I though it was about time to let the readers know what Jamal has been thinking about during this period of extreme pain. So after a number of request and a letter from Stone Cold I feel that it is time to let my thoughts be heard. So what follows are the original thought and feeling of J. Jackson aka J aka J.B. aka Jamiz aka J-Daddy. Shit that ain't Right:

1.) P-Diddy- So the adoption of the P-Diddy nickname was a joke and now your going back to P-Daddy, first off let me say that there ain't no way that I'm giving up J-Daddy because me an J-Lo still got a chance. But if I were Puffy there is absolutely no way that I would be claiming to be any body's daddy after his baby mama wants to hit him up for 17% of his gross adjusted income so that he can take care of his 3 year old son who needs private school, a tutor, after school programs............... a Bentley, some ice for his neck, and a tight crib were he can bring home all the cute groupie chicks from kindergarten. I mean you got to be fucking kidding me a three year old needs 17% of Puffy's income shit he just needs some cool toys, the carton channel and the occasional trip to Chucky Cheese. Shit I'm a finance man and as far as I can tell at that rate Puffy can only have three more kids (two if you count the kid that ain't really his kid thank to G-Tate for pointing out the invisible kid mentioned in the Tavis interview). You know I need to be a woman, I mean no one told me that having kids was like playing the Lotto....fuck the right dude and next thing you know you get 17%........15% for your greedy ass and 2% for the kid who by the way will be attending public school, playing on the YMCA sports teams because it cheep, and not getting a tutor because he's only three and fuck it who cares if he can read or spell we are rich.

2.) P-Diddy part 2- Have any of you seen the new Puffy video that I like to call flossin for God. Well you know since P-Diddy.....Daddy......... shit that mother fucker turned over a new leaf he felt the need to make a gospel video that features all of his artists and of course P-whatever coonin in front of the camera while all of the truly talented people sing. The only question I have is what the fuck is up with the jet and the Bently in the fucking video I mean God knows what you got and there is absolutely no reason to show him...unless your really aren't doing it for him........things that make you go hum.

3.) VIP Area-You know I reside in Dallas the flossing, posing capital of the world. I mean it is the only place where a nigga that live with his mom can get a lease on a benze or a beemer and all of the sudden he is a music executive or his peeps are rich. Yeah right, girls just make sure you take him back to you crib because his mom makes him wake up at 7:00am to do the dishes and take her to work. But really back to my point.......what the fuck is up with the VIP area I mean I understand the concept, you know that is were the high profile guests get to party and drink Cris without being bothered by the little people. I can also understand that the VIP area works in places like New York and Cali where there is an abundance of stars and VIP areas usually occupy at least half of the club and people can afford Cris without working two weeks to make the money to pay of the credit card (true ballers pay cash for Cris). But shit in Dallas and even worse Tallahassee a nigga can set up a red rope around a table throw some champagne on the table and whala you got a fucking VIP area. You know what I'm going to do, I'm going to steal a couple of orange traffic cones and one of those blinking construction signs off the street (those of you that know me know I have and will do it again) get a couple of bottles of Korbel (I'm not going to front I can't afford Cris) and take it with me the next time I go to the club. That way I will have my own portable VIP area that I can set up wherever I go.

4.) VIP Area Groupies- You all know you're wrong and if you think your going to get lucky have a kid and get 17% well if I were you I wouldn't try it in Dallas, Tallahassee or any U.S. cities that are not in the state of California or New York because let me just do the math for you (why because I got a finance degree) 17% of shit is shit and that ain't shit.....and that is all I have to say about that.

5.) Now in the spirit of Rae Carruth and Daryl Strawberry let me just talk about the Bush girls. You know what they say, "the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree". It's good to know that we now can be sure that she is one of daddy's little girls I mean the resemblance is uncanny, they are both alcoholics and apparently both dumb. Oh yeah you are going to discreetly walk into a restaurant in Austin (the place were you daddy used to be governor) and order a beer. Shit forget about the 10 or 12 secret service men nobody knows who you are and nobody should notice them because well they're a secret right. Here's a tip next time go to frat party or get the guy down the hall to buy you a beer, or shit get the secret service to do it I mean they are all over 21 right........and when you get that shit drink it in your room dumb ass. You know I'm really scared that the person who raised this brain surgeon is going to be leading our country for the next four years. (Also who's the fucking waitress that called 911 to report this crime, "Yes it's an emergency there is under age drinking going on and the authorities need to stop it right now" come on your in Austin if there wasn't any under age drinking beer sales would go down by 95% with 4% for those of age and 1% for W. when he comes into town.)

6.) Over use of Hip Hop- Let's talk about Hip Hop, with the accession of Allen Iverson, his game, and the new found respect from the media Hip Hop has gotten a lot of press. But what I am offended by is the fact that Hip Hop is always referred to with negative connotations. In fact I am starting to think that Hip Hop is this great force of urban-ness that possess unsuspecting soul and automatically forces them to: 1.) wear baggy cloths, skull caps and tight kicks and swear off all that is normal like suits 2.) causes people to get multiple tattoos 3.) force otherwise normal hair to be braided into corn rolls 4.) causes people to cuss generally disrespect authority and write misogynistic lyrics 5.) causes people to crave ice (cool jewlery for those who are not in tune with Hip Hop slang), benzes and scantly clad women You know what I think, I think the media likes to use Hip Hop as a way of explaining what they don't understand and that is young black people. If you don't understand us don't explain it away by saying that Hip Hop forced us to do it. That's the problem with people who judge they would rather find a blanket reason to explain something away rather than understand why it exists. You know I don't understand why white men can't seem to match their clothes without consultation from a woman but I don't attribute that to Frank Sinatra. I prefer baggy jeans, but I'm not in a gang I'm not claiming a gang I'm just conformable some people like suites some people like a Phat Farm shirt and baggy jeans DON'T BLAM THE MUSIC. Hip Hop is music, Hip Hop is art, like it or hate it is not the reason for the problems in the inner city or the reason white youth want to act like us. Don't judge it based on one artist or one set of lyrics take it in its entirety and judge it for what it is and that is an extremely creative way of expression. That is all I have to say about that.

That Damn Ric Simon Speaks (Archive Jun 2001)

Date: Tue, 12 Jun 2001 08:56:44 -0700 (PDT)

Hi Kids! In the tradition that my beloved intelligent brothers have kept going, it is time for ThatDamnRicSimon to speak or in this edition ask questions to make you go hmmmmmmm? I know this one is a little lengthy, but I a making up for the last edition.

What in the hell is up with this Tank song. "Baby I deserve"......Yeah Tank deserves a domestic abuse charge and a two thousand dollar fine for that piece of artwork. I mean the balls it takes to write in a song, I deserve for you to be with other guys, since I put my hands around your neck and chased you down the street. What "BLACK" woman(and I am making a big assumption here) would need to be told you deserve better in this situation. Personally I think OJ, Jason Kidd, and our favorite whippin boy Lawrence Phillips (aka climb a dorm, grab your girl by the hair and drive her through a row of mailboxes)are the background singers.

What the hell is up with the Big Aristotle (aka Shaq) or what my man Fred G. Sanford would call the "BIG DUMMY" I mean I was cool with Cindy....I was cool with Aaliyah.....but VENUS! Come on now! Why Shaq, Why? Why not Nancy Davenport? I could go on for days on this one but, as Arstotle (the real philosopher) stated...."Nothing in Excess, Everything in Proportion"

Did Derek Fisher hit another three?

Doesn't Tyrone Lue, Laker guard(prounounced T-Ron)look like he should be on Pokemon? "His moma named him Ty-Rone, I am going to call him Ty-Rone"

Is it just me or does 106 & Park suk? First of all where in the hell is 106 & Park? Like that are is so live or something? Personally, I think they should film it at Park & Monroe (you FAMUans know where that is). Okay, for those of us who are wordly, we know it is Harlem, but what about those indivduals in the great city of FrostProof, Florida?

Isn't the Nike commercial, featuring some Rucker's B Ballers tight? For those who watch the commercial in its entirety, what in the hell is Sheryl Swoops doing?

Little Kim, please stop!

Halle was it worth the extra 500K to go topless in SwordFish?

Why is it that I see no booty in the bootylicious song?

Are you getting sick of BTV(Beyonce Television)?

Isn't Popeye's Chicken the greatest on rainy days?

How and why does Yassir Arafat have influence? Better yet who in the hell is he?

Tiger stop, just stop!

What is up with this move to abolish dodge ball? Supposedly, kids are picking on the little ones by lighting them up with the ball. This my friends is a sad day in America. I think Dodge ball should be as mandatory as Tornado drills in this day and age. Just think about, if you can dodge a speeding ball, then those skills can be applied to speeding bullets and we know this is absolutely necessary for school.

So I was reading "Playboy" the other day and I found this one page advertisement or lobby against reparations for blacks. I mean plain as day, this advertisement gave 10 reasons why blacks should not be compensated for slavery. Now I have my own opinions regarding the issue, but the fact of the matter is, it was so important to some people they had to pay for an ad in Playboy. I would go through all ten, but I will
give a few highlights...
1. why should immigrants have to pay for something they were not part of?
2. blacks have received they payment through wellfare and other subsidies.
3. there were over 3000 black slave owners, so why should america pay
4. if it weren't for white christians, then blacks would not be free in the first place.
Now this was in Playboy friends, not "Country Music
Today"....Think about it!

That's All I Have to Say About That (Archived Apr 2001)

Subject: That's all I have to say about that
Date: Thu, 12 Apr 2001 12:12:43 -0700 (PDT)
In an effort to head off Simon and drop a diamond I have chosen to make today the day that I let the world (or at least the chosen few on this email) know what Jamal thinks and what Jamal say pisses him off.
First off let me just say that some people have been wondering where I am and why I haven’t been emailing on a regular basis. Well my friends don’t get you feeling hurt it’s just the fact that my boss seems to think doing work is actually good for me (I disagree of course) and frankly it take time to come up with great original shit. Additionally, I believe that unnecessary forwards are the junk mail of the Internet so I focus on sending out only original Jamal thoughts (you like how I’m talking about myself in the third person….you know I think that must be the first thing they teach pro athletes in school). While I’m on the subject of forwards do people really believe that they constitute a reply or that they qualify as original email. I mean lets think about this if I came to your house every day and dumped my junk mail on your table (including the Christian singles dating service package that I receive at least once a week) would we still be friends? I think not. What I really think you would be say is "Oh no this Nigga didn’t just drop all this shit on my table what do I look like the postmaster general". Additionally do you just send miscellaneous mail to people’s houses just because you have their addresses? I mean damn I’ve gotten forward from people who have never sent me a real email, and wedding announcements from SBI people that I don’t even know, like I want to read that shit? I just really think people need to think before they forward and if it is a good forward damn it tell me why its good don’t just forward that shit to me. Now on to the good shit namely shit that pisses me of and other related tales and opinions from Jamal:
The Name Change- I am now and forever changing my name to J-Daddy…………Why you might ask? In an effort to win the heart of one Miss J-Lo I have change my name because I figure that if it worked for Puff Daddy now P Diddy it will definitely work for me. So all of you can expect an announcement of our upcoming nuptials in the near future.
Return of the Player Card- I am happy to announce that Ricardo Simon is no longer operating the airline known as Rico Air. Yes ladies this means that the brother is back on the market and should you wish to join the fan club just show him some love and you too could win a flight to see the Golden Gate Bridge (and for the greedy girls out there no you don’t get to keep the air miles). The sad thing about the return of the card is that as we all know this is like Fred Biletnikoff returning to the NFL now that stick-um is outlawed………we’re in for a bunch of dropped balls. Now we all now the every nigga drops the ball some of the time but this nigga drops the ball all the time……..even hand offs……….it’s sad it’s just really sad but all the same the player card has returned.
Pimpin in the 01-Where is it written that nigga’s always need a nice ride to pull the girls. Quote from BiG Mike "Dog we need to lock down this limo for the Luau because you know the honeys are going to be all over us when we pull up at the club." Whatever happened to getting a girl in a Yugo…..now that takes real skill…….and don’t even let me start talking about pulling up to the house on the BMX with the tight rims because if it ain’t on 20 you might as well be walking. Now let me also say that women don’t help this matter by flocking to the nigga in the new Lex or the tight Land Rover……"Girl did you see that Nigga in that car"……..the real question should be "did you know that Nigga lives with his mom" or "did you know that Nigga don’t have furniture at his house" that is the real question.
Them cool ass Japanese muther fuckers-Now last email I kind of laid into the Japanese for their inability to make a quality product on time. Well I now have a PS2(I had to sneak this grandma with a dvd across the face to pry it out of her hands but she will be ok in a couple of weeks and I’m sure her grandkids understand that they’re not getting their birthday present because grandma tried a brother in Bestbuy) and let me just say that I have a little piece of heaven in my house and the 36 " Sony Vega was made for this system. Oh yeah and rather than getting my ass kicked by little kids in Bestbuy I am now getting my ass kicked by the computer and I’m not really sure which is better.
Darryl Strawberry- Now with every email I like to point out those black people who are truly achieving in or society (see Rae Carruth) so this time I must talk about Strawberry. OK so let me get this strait you were riding home from the drug rehab center with a woman in AA (why?) when you were kidnapped robbed and held hostage for four days (damn dog) and during that time you happened to smoke crack (I bet they made you smoke it). You know what….first I’m just going to start calling that nigga Pookie, second I think the crack was the only true part of the story, and third that story is right up there with Rae Carruth’s on the believability scale. Which bring us back to Rae…..damn you’re a dumb Nigga I mean Darryl’s story ain’t believable but shit he’s a crack head so what can we expect. You know it’s sad but I think we should all put together a collection to buy Darryl some crack and let him smoke until his heart is content because who’s he really hurting?
Tiger Wood yall-You know I take a lot of pride in black guy with a big stick beating white people’s ass on a regular basis and because of that he is my Nigga. So what if he is a "big teethed bastard" that nigga can hit the ball better than any one else. Next sport bowling…..I sure there is some little fucker out in the hood talking shit and practicing with a basketball and some tin cans.
Kobe "the new black hole"- Now that Kobe has returned to the Lakers I just have on thing to say to Shaq "Hold on to the damn ball because if you give it up you ain’t getting it back".
DC metro area bumming again - I’m not even going to say shit about the Terps but you know I did here that there was a 0.00000000000000000000000000000001% chance that Mike was going to play for the Wizards…..naw even he ain’t that stupid. That’s all I have to say about that and these are the words of J-Daddy and until the next time peace.