Mr.. Fountain's Neighborhood "I hate LA" (Archived June 2000)

All, I think now is the time to place the proverbial salt into the wound of those no good, stinking-ass, womanizing purple and gold-clad bastards. No, I'm not referring to the Q's this time. I'm talking about the fucking Lakers. As I enjoy this sure to be short-lived Pacer victory, let me run down some key players on the roster:

#32 Shaquille O'Neal aka The Big Bastard. This huge ton o' fun mother fucker is notorious for throwing bows, traveling, dunking, having the worst monotone voice this side of David Duchovny and being the MVP (Most Voracious Predator). Yes, in addition to making sexual overtone to Britney Spears amongst other young-uns, Shaq Daddy is the proud father of a bouncing 5 month-old baby boy. (And he's sure to bounce off the damn floor if he ever gets in Daddy's way at the dinner table)

#5 Robert Horry aka Bob Horry This two-time NBA Champion, apparently pissed off because it is no longer 1995 (i.e. Olajuwon is an athritic piece of shit now), has recently been seen talking trash and trying to intimidate other players. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but the threats are with his play and not a demand to be traded to the team of whomever he's talking to. Would you want this flimsy bastard in your uniform. I think not.

#17 Rick "I Can't Wait To Go Home" Fox As indicated by his nickname, this former Tarheel seems presently unconcerned with his occupation these days. That is of course, unless you consider laying the pipe to Vanessa on the regular something to aspire to on Career Day. Fox has been noted lately, like Bob, instigating physical confrontations, taking wild shots, getting kicked out of games and most notably trying to enact legislation to shorten the length of current NBA games. During his moments of time off the court but still in uniform, Fox can be heard humming bars from "Kumbiya" and "Let My People Go"

#4 Ron Harper aka The Collector 1 Harper is known as the collector, a wild species of athlete roaming nomadically throughout the league in search of championship rings (see Deion Sanders) This grubby old bastard is about to collect yet his fourth such piece of jewelry. Ironically, enough Harper cites his good fortune not as a result of Michael Jordan and Phil Jackson, but of his new-found literacy skills. "I's bees a fo-time champeeun!!"

#16 John "Spider" Salley aka The Collector 2 Yes, it took some research on Fountain's part to find Old Spider number, simply because this bastard doesn't play. Yet he's still has more championship rings than number of times AC Green has said the word "pussy". OK, maybe that's not fair. I have more feet than number of times AC has said "pussy". I should re-name Salley Collector 2&3. Don't forget this lanky sumbitch, played for the Pistons and Bulls during the glory years.

#2 Derek "I Suck" Fisher No real commentary here. I just wanted to say that Fisher sucks.

....and what everybody's been waiting for... at Guard, from Lower Merion High School in Pennsylvania, 6 foot 6

#8 Kobe Bryant. (Hee Hee Hee) I'll give Kobe his props. The boy doesn't shoot wildly nearly as much as he used to. He's more under control, he passes, he plays good D, he passes, he tried to beat Chris Childs' ass, and did I mention he passes now. I feel sorry for Kobe. Can you imagine a worst fate than having to play with the motley crew that i just listed? I can. HOW ABOUT YOU GET ENGAGED TO SOME FUCKING 18 YEAR OLD BETTY, JESSICA, KATEY, SUSAN, OH I'T DOESN'T MATTER WHAT HER NAME IS!!

So the bitch's name is Vanessa Laine. Well, it ought to be Lois Lane, because that heffer brought down a notable public figure as well (see Superman 2) Kobe, what the hell is wrong with you boy? Don't you know about the tales of pussy (I'm sorry AC) on the road. Shit, big ass Magic (who has the best medicine money can buy) is right there in the front office. Why doesn't he do something. We all know Magic used to get his share of pussy. Hell, Magic got his share and the next four or five mother fucker's share of pussy. Talk some sense into the boy Magic. And let's not talk about James Worthy's trickin' ass. Big Game James may never make it to the Hall of Fame now. Fuck the fact they might not let him in, he may just not make it. James could fall the fuck out with all the miscellaneous pussy he used to get. Magic had groupies, James had groups of anything homo sapien with a vagina. James could possibly have a damn STD no one has ever heard of. That is with the possible exception of Captain James T. Kirk. She may be kinda cute but Kobe could do better. Hell at least wait a little longer. Get to know the bitch, and no having cookies and milk with her ass doesn't count. How the fuck do you go from having Tyra's fine ass (and I mean ASS) in the damn video (don't get me started on that shit) to this bitch? Kobe,Kobe, Kobe. I hope the brother's foot is only a minor injury. Kobe hasn't even signed the big-ass contract yet. It'd be a damn shame for the bitch to get half of what he's got now. And she will get half, because this shit ain't gonna last and California doesn't play that shit. She just may take Kobe for everything he's got. When it's all said and done, Kobe may wear #4. Not to start a new identity or anything, but the bitch may take half of his number too. And what the hell is with that fucking animal-ass hat she had on? Somebody do me a favor check the Daniel Boone and Davy Crockett Memorabilia section at K-Mart.

Oh well I've rambled long enough. The fucking Lakers are still gonna win. Kobe's still gonna get married...and taken for all he's fucking worth, and I'm still in white fucking suburbia. Come on now, everybody all at once...THIS SHITTY!!! The opinions expressed by Fountain may not necessarily reflect those of society in general, but they damn well should. Fuck society, they can't kick my ass!