The Rattlesnake's Bite (Archived December 2000)

You know it seems like for the longest that the ol' Rattlesnake has been absent from cyberspace. Well you can attribute that to Susanna Blumenthal and Bruce Frier and their healthy communication of various legal doctrine. Anyway, with Gerald organizing the new site and all, and as unaccustomed to e-mail communication as Fountain is, let me attempt to contribute some pearls of knowledge:



OH, HELL YEAH!!! Damn right, I'm through with 1/6 of this hellacious experience call law school, and damn if it I let the words of some wig-wearing, black robe wearing sumbitches get the best of me. I've temporarily escapes to the warm confines of Miami, and let me assure you it's as shitty as it was when I left. Which brings me to my next point, when the hell did it become legal to allow temperatures below -20? I mean what the hell. I can’t even drive through this crap some days. In short, like I told somebody else, somebody find Chicken Little and plant a foot up her ass, because that heifer ain’t doing her damn job!

On to the news:
What the hell is with Al Gore? First, he’s tonguing down his wife, then after he concedes, the bastard is half-drunk at the party. Somebody tell Al that it’s a little too late for that shit. If he had been molesting women and getting drunk earlier in life, then maybe he’d be President-Elect (just ask G-Dub).

Speaking of George, I don’t know about Man of the Year, but if you think he should be Jackass of the Year, gimme a "Hell Yeah!"

Following the sentiments of J. Jackson, Rae Carruth is going to fry like bacon and eggs. I haven’t had much experience in practical law, but I don’t think it’s smart to cover up one crime with another. "Rae didn’t order a hit on Sherika, this was just a drug deal gone bad". Brilliant move, jackass. If Carruth does get off, guess what high yella bastard will be investigated by the DEA. Maybe still time he can find a better hiding place than in a trunk in backwater Tennessee.

Why are the dumb ass Redskins just that…DUMB. First you got a cross between Ross Perot and Joseph Stalin as the owner. This meely-mouth jackass don’t know a post route (I’ll refuse the obvious Terrell Buckley joke) from a Post-brand cereal. "Norv will be here for a long time". Long time my ass, long enough until he pisses me off is more like it. And then Robiskie’s bitch ass can’t move his desk without permission. Why don’t you ask the bastard when you can take a piss too Terry, you bitch. Your ass is fired and a win against shitty ass Arizona ain’t gonna change that. Let me get this straight, Westbrook beat the hell out of Stephen Davis, Connell gets up in Robiskie’s face, LaVar Arrington’s dumb ass can’t count, Jeff George is still a bitch and Bruce and Deion are each lobbying to get the other kicked off the team. Jesus Christ, this is why steel cage matches were invented. I say have a Texas Death Match, Loser-Leaves-Town. Then maybe the only sorry bastards worth worrying about in Washington will be at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Why the hell is Robert Downey, Jr. still allowed to walk around freely. This idiot has spent more time behind bars than a skinny man trying to bench-press 300 lbs. Clearly Bobby doesn’t appreciate the concept of personal autonomy. Fine, lock his ass up and melt down the damn key. And while your at it, throw Strawberry’s delinquent ass in there too. Ahh, boo if you want, you know I’m right. Darryl is another one who doesn’t seem to understand right from wrong. I’ll spare you from my normal plea to reinstate the Code of Hammurabi, but I say Darryl, Downey, Iverson, Bam Morris, Tyson and, for God’s sake LAWRENCE PHILLIPS, all belong in the same cell, in the same Death Match, at the same time. Fuck it, make these jokers stand in a bathtub, hold hands and toss in a toaster. Problem solved.

Now you really didn’t think I could just pass over ol Larry with just a nominal mention. Anh-Anh, that just ain’t gon do it. Now let’s retrace what we know of Larry…forget it, let’s get to the good stuff. Come on, just like the Count used to do on Sesame Street… BANG (one mailbox), BANG (two mailboxes) BANG (three hard ass, metal, cement-laid mailboxes) HAHAHAHA! The recipe here is simple: Take 1 crazy bastard from Compton and 1 Betty. Add in one row of mailboxes, a Fiesta Bowl National Championship game and a bad temper, and you have an acquittal. Take away the Bowl game, add some NFL Europe experience and a hard head, and you have THE SAME CRAZY BATSARD DOING THE SAME SHIT!!! I’m glad this fucker can’t cut it in the NFL because now his freedom is NFL, Not For Long. See ya Larry, you sick fuck.
Since I did mention Tyson, I might as well say it… SAVAGE.

Well, I’m about through for now. I got some leisure time to catch up to before it’s back to the Winter Wonderland. That’s all I gotta say about that and that’s the bottom line, ‘cause I said so.
"How do I feel? Hell son, I feel like I do any other day in my life, I feel like whipping somebody’s ass!" - Stone Cold Steve Austin

(If everybody else can put in quotes, then dammit, so can I!)

That's All I have to Say About that (the Original)

In an effort to give Gerald some content for his upcoming web page (and keep myself from being bored at work while by bosses are in Mexico, the bastards) I have decided to send out some of my thoughts which will center on two main subjects:

Ray Carruth is going to fry

Shit that’s pissing me off.

Ray Carruth is going to fry: First off what was this nigga thinking I mean he killed his girl just so he wouldn’t have to pay child support. Apparently he’s never heard of the concept of a dead beat dad ( for those of you having a tough time with this concepts dead beat dads are guys who just don’t pay child support because they don’t feel like it.). I mean if you don’t pay at worst you end up with your face plastered on some public access cable channel that only Rico and Fountain watch and at best you don’t pay, the concept seems simple enough to me.

Secondly, when you try to flee from the police please run farther than one state over and try not to call your mother who is sure to rat you out and finally, hiding in the trunk of your car and closing your eyes will not make the cops go away ( that only works for five year olds and monsters). While I’m on the subject of trunks I often sit back and wonder what the nice FBI agent must have said when he found Carruth in the trunk and the only thing that comes to mind is "Damn you are one dumb Nigga" or "Man you run a 4.3 and got moves for days, the least you could have done was try to escape so we could shoot you or something".

Now I know that as people of color we have been known to be accused of crimes we didn’t commit and typically I’ll take the innocent until proven guilty stance or the conspiracy stance (see O.J. Trial) but Ray Carruth is going to fry just because he’s dumb. I mean Ray if you are going to have the girl shot you really don’t have to be present at the shooting because the cops really will call you after the fact. Additionally, Ray when you go to the hospital please make an attempt to cry at least in front of the girls family. Oh yeah and when your calling your boys to set up the shooting use a pay phone you DUMB FUCK those calls are a lot harder to trace than your own personal cell phone.

Lastly, who’s the dumb ass defense lawyer who took this case? I mean your only defense is that Ray Carruth was going to make over $1 million last year so he had no reason to kill her. Now I agree with that logic which makes me wonder why Ray felt like he needed to kill her. I mean O.J., I could understand why he killed Nicole basically if you buy your wife some new breast implants you’re not going to like letting other kids play with them. But Ray all you had to do was take the Nigga approach and say "That shit ain’t mine" case closed, delima over, no child support to pay. Lastly let me just say that next time Ray decides to go out and have a girl killed one of his friends need to tell him to consult O.J. the Ramsey family or any of the Kennedy’s.

Shit that pisses me off:
1.) Little Japanese muther fuckers who for some reason can’t put Playstation 2 together fast enough so that there will be more than ten of them in this country to buy.

2.) Little kids below the age of eight who keep kicking my ass in Madden 2001 at Best Buy (I have to play Playstation 2 there because I don’t have one).

3.) Looking at my big ass tv with no fucking Playstation 2.

4.) The fact that I can’t find Money Train on DVD in Dallas, I mean a brother is trying to get his Lopez fix and shit just isn’t working out.

5.) The fact that Oscar De La Hoya has an album. Some body needs to kick his ass. Oh yeah that’s why he has an album. Well somebody needs to kick his ass again.

6.) The fact that Robert Downey Jr., ODB, and Darrel Strawberry can’t seem to stay sober.
Vibe and their Shitty Ass staff. Nelly chosen as the best new artist of the year. I remember when Vibe was a black magazine and now I’m not sure. The Back Street Boy are probably on next months cover. This shit makes me sick.

7.) The fact that Jet Magazine reads like a golden book for kids and the news is always at least a month late even though the magazine is bi-weekely. That must be some sort of black thing that I just don’t understand. I mean white people don’t stand for shit like that. What do you think they would say if they were just now getting Jenifer Aniston and Brad Pitt’s wedding pictures in People?

8.) The fact that George Bush is President

9.) The fact that I had to explain to my boss and various others how FAMU’s basketball team lost by 75 point to the Univesity of Florida. I really think that next time we should have to beat at least 5 high school teams in the state of Florida before we take on the big boys. By the way I think that at best those sorry ass player beat 2 out of the 5 teams.

10.) The fact that Terry Robiski needs to ask Snyder if he can move his desk. Come on man have some self respect.

11.) The fact that although BET is now owned by white people I am still forced to watch infomercials on Saturday and Sunday. Since its all one company now they could at least bring Ananda back for teen summit so that I have something to look at.

Oh yeah and before I go……For all of you Washington fans out there who thought that you were going to be in Tampa Bay in January, or thought that Jordan was the answer, you better start pulling for the Mystics if you want to see a championship in your town. I mean first Jack Kent Cook dies and now this, an owner with a temper and a hatred for kickers, a team over the 2001 salary cap, a coach who has to ask to move his desk and a team the is sure to be home for the holidays that’s the type of shit I love. Peace