The Air Up Here, Volume I

Friends, Romans, Countrymen lend me your ears. In an effort to expand my growing empire of commentary and polish my writing skills at the same time I have decided to produce a new column aptly titled "The Air Up Here." The title, of course, being a play on the fact that yours truly is 6'5" and has had to answer that ridiculous question more than once in my lifetime. Basically you can expect all of the features that made The Life & Times . . . so enjoyable except for the fact that I won't be talking about myself (as if that is possible). In my first issue I'm taking on all forms of popular media and the celebrities that dominate it. This is quite lengthy so you might want to read it stages or wait till your lunch break.


1. First up, Mariah Carey. What is she now? R&B singer? Pop diva? Movie star? Whitney Houston wannabe? Stripper? It's kind of hard to keep up these days. Now she's finally gone off the deep end and suffered a breakdown. Break, breakdown, steady breaking me on down (oh, where is Bone Thugs & Harmony to sing the hook when you need them).

2. Speaking of Whitney Houston, she recently signed a deal that is reported to be largest in the history of the record biz. Believe it or not, I don't have anything bad to say about her right now. However, I'm sure that you heard that her husband, the self-anointed "Original King of R&B," had to check himself into a New Jersey hospital. He was reportedly suffering from exhaustion, being overheated, having a fever, etc. He however refused to take a blood test so the doctors could check for any other contributing factors. Hmmm . . . I'm not saying to Bobby might have been up to his old tricks, but if he was it's his prerogative.

3. While I'm on the subject of divas, can Destiny's Child do a performance nowadays without getting booed? We all remember the chorus that the 76ers' fans rained down on them at the NBA Finals. At the Hot 97 Summer Jam after singing "Survivor" and "Bootylicious" and receiving more boos they decided to do the tried and true Showtime at the Apollo trick and sing a gospel song. Beyonce even was quoted as saying, "Let's see if they'll boo God." The trick didn't work. Let's be real, no body was booing God (I don't think anyone is that stupid). It's those wack songs on their last album and Beyonce sensory overload that people don't like. Next topic.

4. For those of you that are not boxing fans or those of you without HBO (read Jamal) you might have missed light-heavyweight champion Roy Jones, Jr.'s foray into the world of hip hop music. On his dazzling debut single "Y'all Must Have Forgot" he waxes poetically in front of a Big Pimpinish backdrop. He spits fire with classic lines such as:

a. "When I beat Bernard Hopkins and won the IBF/ the right was hurt so I beat him with the left."
b. "David Jilesco, he really asked for it/ so I beat him a fractured wrist."
c. And my personal favorite: "Remember the right hook that James Toney got/ a sucka move I stole from a gamecock."

5. Martina Hingis and Martina Navratilova. In a Time magazine article on newsstands now Martina Hingis is attributed to saying," that the Williams sisters only get endorsements because they are black and when anything goes wrong they are always the crutch of blaming their problems on racism. The elder Martina went on the say that no one in the tennis game properly criticizes them because they don't want to be branded as racists and that they (the Williams sisters) should show more respect for the game by devoting more attention to it (e.g. play more tournaments). Without totally delving into my list of objectionable personal experiences, I ask the question: When has being black ever really made it more likely for you to get something? Hold up I've got it. If you count being followed in department stores, receiving ominous stares, having women clutching their purses in elevators, or maybe getting a butt kickin' by the police as perks then maybe Hingis has a point. Every time I hear Hingis or Navratilova or Chris Everett or John McEnroe talking about the Williams sisters, it seems like they have guzzled a nice tall glass of HaterAde first. If Venus and Serena don't feel like playing tournaments that's their decision and why should they be criticized for taking college courses while the majority of the other players on the tour are high school (if that) dropouts. Moving on.

6. Did anyone see Babyface's venture into the world of acting on Soulfood? All I can say is "What the @#$% was he thinking?" Did he not go back and look at the tape of the show before it aired? It had to be the absolute worst acting performance that I have seen since the Lakers' Robert Horry made a guest appearance on Passions. I'm sure Eric remembers the line "Oh look, you learned to play basketball. That's great." Anyway, I digress.

7. Have you all been keeping up with latest installment of The Real World? Well, on the last episode Coral (major attitude) and Nicole (way tooooooooooooo much make up) went shopping instead of working in the office with the rest of casts. When the boss rewards the workers with Outkast (so fresh and so clean) tickets, they throw a major tantrum and pandemonium ensues. What did their lazy behinds think they were going to get for skipping work? A cookie!!

8. Gary Condit. The initials D. A. come to mind whenever they air a story about him on the news. Admittedly, I only watched highlights of the interview, but how he fixed his mouth spew some of those answers just boggled my mind. For example, when asked directly if he had a sexual relationship with Chandra Levy; he goes into this long spiel about how he's been married for 34 years and loves his wife and family very deeply. Thus for the sake of them and of the Levy family he will not comment on that. I just want to know was he thinking about his wife and kids before or after? It's just a thought.


Okay, now that I have thoroughly flamed just about everyone. I will give you my hottest picks in entertainment now available at you local Target, BestBuy, or any other establishment that will relieve you of money.

DVDs:
1. The Best of the Chris Rock Show, Vol.2: This is laugh out loud funny even after watching it over and over again. The Black Progress Chart will have you asking yourself everyday, "Are we there yet?" It's a must-have for any collection.

2. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: Beautifully reproduced on DVD; makes me wish I had seen it on the big screen when it first came out. One the best English dubs that I have seen also, definitely not that typical Saturday afternoon martial arts fare from when we were younger. The movie, while thoroughly entertaining and exciting, also gives a powerful "carpe diem" message.

CDs:
1. Hi-Teknology by DJ Hi-Tek: You probably first heard of him on Talib Kweli's "The Blast." The DJ straight from Da Natti has released one of the most original albums that I've heard in a long time. A masterful collection of eclectic beats that you can relax to on your couch or pump up in your ride on the way to club. Features Talib Kweli, FAMU's own Common, and Jonell who sings that "I really don't know what you came here for/ round and round we go" song. I highly recommend it.

2. Superhero by Brian McKnight: Everyone knows what to expect with a Brian McKnight joint - melodic ballads, smooth up tempo songs, and one gospel song at the end to tie it all together. This is your typical Brian McKnight album. He does a collabo with Justin Timberlake that has TRL written all of it. The current single "The Love of My Life" is probably the best song on the album and my personal favorite. My only issue with the album is that a lot the beats aren't original. "The Love of My Life" obviously steals from Prince's "Scandalous", another song sounds like K-Ci and JoJo's "Don't Rush" and still another sounds like Blackstreet's "Tonight's the Night." To top it off, if you check the liner notes absolutely no production credit is given to those artists. Is he trying to take a page out of Lauryn Hill's book here? Just wondering. So if you are a rabid Brian McKnight fan I would say definitely pick up the album. If you are one of those people that builds your CD collection through BMG or Columbia House music clubs I would say save you $11.88 and wait until it hits those outlets. If you were just getting into Brian McKnight music I would skip this album and buy the first two albums Brian McKnight and I Remember You, which are his best by far.

3. Aaliyah by Aaliyah: Words cannot express the loss I felt when I heard the news of her tragic death this past weekend. It's strange that news of celebrity deaths has never really fazed me before. However, hearing of her passing hit me hard. I guess seeing over the years how genuinely sweet she seemed to be and how close she was to her brother made me think about what if that had happened to my sister and brother. I know my world would absolutely come to an end because I love them so much. This is just another reminder that you need to let people know how much they mean to you while they are still here. She is one of the few artists whose albums I actually buy the day they are released because I know it will be that fire. Her new album did not disappoint and is one befitting to be her legacy. It consists of 14 tracks with 8 of them being excellent. My favorites are the Timbaland produced "We Need A Resolution", the Static produced "Loose Rap", and I had to hold back the tears listening to the beautifully haunting "It's Whatever." With this album she seemed to find her own voice and let us in to experience a little bit of her esoteric spirit. She will be missed.


I know this was way long, but I haven't written in awhile and had a lot to say. I must say that it feels good to be back in TallyHo for the fall semester for the first time in two years. I'm still in the same apartment and have the same number if you want to holla, holla. As always take care, much love and God Bless.

--AIR © 2001

The Rattlesnake's Bite (Archived August 2001)

Yep, it's about that time. Coming off another loot-laden summer, a recent Janet concert, live viewings of Raw and Smackdown and soon to embark on the free-agent like recruiting process at a top 10 law school, you might say your boy is feeling pretty good. Well you'd be right. However, being the malcontent. greedy individual that I am, I'm never happy. Here come the venom (not that shitty bastard in Tallshassee either).

1. Mariah - this heffer has been covered in recent e-mails, but still. Being able to remember when Mariah actually wore clothes makes me feel old (but not as old as you jokers save Gerald). Now she looks like she could go work at the Gold Club. So she has a nervous breakdown. Who gives a rat's ass! My guess is somebody showed her the Vision of Love video and the flashback was too much. Now her and her manufactured sound are going to be in a movie. I can't wait for this shit...it is a flick isn't it?

2. Marion Jones - so Marion lost a damn race and everybody threw a party. How pathetic is that? "We're getting closer", "It's time for somebody else to win some". See, these hookers are the same type of people that support the breakup of Microsoft. She still can kick any of their asses and now that she's rid of that big, creatine taking, felon of an ex-husband, it's about to get worse for everybody. I'm not suprised she lost. After carrying Mr. Stay-Puft around for so long, it had to be different without him. Anyway, the former Tarheel came back to start another streak and I look for more asswhipping at the Goodwill Games.

3. College Football - The best time of the year is upon us. If this Brazilian New Year thing doesn't go off, look for Fountain in Pasedena for the Miami v. Michigan National Championship game. Alright, my beloved Wolverines may not make it, but damn if the 'Canes ain't going. After being shafted last year, look for more off-field thuggery, taunting, running up the score and all the other factors that made the Dade County boys a national power. By the way Gerald, I'm expecting last year's Sears trophy to arrive in Miami via Fed-Ex anyday now. Theft is theft.

4. Lewis/Rahman - Apparantly The Sissy Englishman and Haseem (I refuse to call him The Rock) can't wait until November to get it on. Good. Why the hell does a fight take 8 or 9 months to come off any-dam-way? I know cats who'll go to war, 7 days a week for 2 dollars and a biscuit. This is bullshit. Rahman said Lewis did something gay and Lewis (in a Freudian slip) assumed he meant homosexual tendencies. Then Lewis proceeding to give an impromptu chest massage that he tried to pass off as a push. My ass. He was feeling the man up. Rahman rightfully commenced to whipping Lewis' sorry ass all over the ESPNZone. I hope Mr. Belvedere gets beaten up again and retires. He should take Evander's old and stanking ass with him.. I want to see Mike "The Millenium Savage" Tyson get another shot at the title. I figure if he wins, the market will crash, unemployment rates will rise, Strom Thurmond and Jesse Helms will both have heart attacks and just general fun for Fountain will ensue. Afterwards Tyson can return to the WWF, get his ass beaten by Austin, who will unify all the titles.

5. Replacement Refs - Tagliabue has locked out the damn referees and hired a new crew. Well anybody whose ever talked to me about labor relations knows I fully support this type of shit. Fuck 'em. Fire 'em and replace 'em. Fuck the refs and fuck these never-happy ass airline pilots and anybody else. They all can be replaced. Apparantly the players are mad and feel the refs should be paid. I say the players can pay for it them-damn-selves or shut their candy asses up. I expect the refs to continue to be screwed. I heard Patrick Ewing was serving as their official spokesman. Of course, none of this ref stuff is going to save Jamal and Granvel from this asskicking in fantasy football and a repeat by my Victoria Rattlesnakes.

6. Danny Almonte - This is the lanky sumbitch who has kicked all the ass in the Little League World Series. Breaking news is that this fucker is 14, not 12. Additionally, this little bastard apparantly ain't been to school in the 19 months he's been in the damn country. I say beatdowns for everybody involved. Y'all have heard me say "win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat", but Jesus age Christ, cheat like you have common sense. Did Rolando Paulino or whatever the fuck his name is think he could get away with this shit? Forged certificates, lies and half the damn team ain't speaking English. This truly sucks, nobody cares about this shit. None of this translates into a professional career. Why bother? The stinking bastards from Japan or China kick everybody's ass in the end anyway. I'm all for this persecution though. These fuckers are from the Bronx and call themselves the Baby Bombers and God knows I hate the fucking Yankees. Deport this asshole or make him pitch to whoever the minor leaguer is who Superkicked that catcher. Pitch inside and it's an asskicking for Danny. That'll teach him.

Side notes:
Why don't people leave Barry Bonds alone?

Why didn't MTV hire Iceberg Slim to make a special guest appearance on the Real World to slap some sense into these out of control, crazy bitches?Where in the blue hell is former Carolina point guard, Ed Cota? (Tate and Hadley, don't say in a retirement home.)

Why do people think Georgia Tech is going to whip Florida State?

If some chick takes Blu Cantrell's advice and spend all a dude's money and fucks up his clothes after he cheats on her, shouldn't this bitch be sued?

Why can't somebody press the mute button on Destiny's Child? Leave the picture on, just turn off the sound.

Why is the employment market so bad? Law, business, tech, it doesn't matter. This shit is fucking up my California plans for next summer. I blame the modern-day Rothschild, Alan Greenspan. He can keel the fuck over right along with Thurmond and Helms. Rusty Bastard.

This shitty.And that's the bottom line 'cause I said so!

That's All I Have To Say About That (Archived August 2001)

Typically I would put some time in between installment because I know black people and with us reading is fundamental which essentially means that "I ain't reading no long ASS emails on a regular basis". I understand that but I don't give a fuck so here it is.

1.) Observations from a brother who doesn't have any pay channels in the summer (i.e. HBO, Showtime, Skinamax) don't ask why just feel my pain.

a.) BET-So what's up with BET having a Year In Review show in August......I can understand a Year In Review show in December or January (the beginning of a new year and all) I can even stretch and say that I understand a Year In Review show in June (the sixth month hence the middle of the year) but fucking August what the hell kind of calendar are they on. Wait I got it, this is the quintessential example of Nigga Time they planned to originally air the show in January and because of Niggas being Niggas, "dog I must have lost the tape during the merger" it didn't air until August.

b.) Arabesque Movies- Is anybody embarrassed to say that they have watched an entire one of these BET masterpieces. All right so I watched one or two of these movies and I'm still able to be secure in my manhood and you know what, they weren't all that bad. Now before you jump up and say Jamal's lost his damn mind remember Jamal Doesn't Have Any Pay Channels. It's either the Arabesque movie or the MSNBC expose on women weightlifters (by the way I watched that on Saturday and let me just say that I Am Scared). You know I especially enjoyed the movie with Kadeem Hardison (Where has he been and what happen to the flip glasses) and Lark V(fuck I can't spell it but you know who I'm talking about she is that chick from Saved By the Bell). Well anyway Kadeem is this Arsenio Hall type and Lark is this Congressman's daughter and well shit to cut a story short and not ruin the whole movie (in case you end up flipping past BET in search of quality television) they fall in love.

c.) Arabesque Movies II-Here is an interesting observation from the movie previously mentioned in section B. Well I found it quite humors that a Chante Moore song happens to be playing in the background on a number of occasions when Kadeem and Lark are getting it on (having sex for the unimaginative). So You Got a Man Huh.

d.) Chante Moore and Dwayne Wayne-That brings up the question What happened? Damn I mean you made a record about how you "Got a Man" and next thing I know you don't have a man. Say girl somebody take your man? Get tired of your man? Maybe he wasn't the man (all you girls get your head out of the gutter)? You prefer a woman over your man (for all the freaks in the house)? Well if anybody knows the deal let me know because I don't think the Enquirer covered this one (and I'm not even going to say anything about Phylicia and Ahmad Rashad).

e.) Arabesque Movies III-Well all thought these movies kind of suck they do show black love which is all too often neglected in this society and absent the Cosby Show reruns, not shown enough on T.V (you can catch an hours worth of Cosby on TBS at 4:00pm eastern Ted Turner is my mother fucker).

f.) THE Real World-Yes I watch that shit (because lets say it all together Jamal Doesn't Have Any Pay Channels) and finally after years of drama we finally have three yes three black people on the show. I don't think they could possibly kick all of them off or could they. You know I think this is a truly great moment in t.v. (some may disagree) because little white boys and girls with their Backstreet Boy CD's and Janet Posters (Eric I knew you would like this) are finally getting an opportunity to see a somewhat real depiction of Black people. I mean they have had several conversation about race, music (Maxwell specifically, one of my personal favorites) and most importantly why black women have problem with black men dating white women. While I'm sure that most white kids still don't understand the reason for this argument (we're all people dude so love is love) it's still great to know that they have to listen to our perspective for at least thirty minutes on a Tuesday night.

2. W- Shit no one told me we had two Black presidents in a row. You ask how do I know this well because the last president is living in Harlem and the current president is taking a month vacation. What kind of Nigga shit is that.........now we(black people) have been know to take a month vacation before but usually when we come back we don't have a job anymore. What the fuck............you know I blame people in Florida for this shit. So what are you going to do W, fire up Airforce one, pick up the girls (his daughters and hopefully an ugly intern because everyone is doing them) and go get a couple of drinks? Fuck it, why don't you come to big D we will fire up the grill and then we can talk about your dumb ass, your daughters drunk ass, and you Vice Presidents heart attack having dead ass (if the FBI is reading this I'm just joking). You know that was mean. I take it back. I'm sure that Cheeny will make it until next year as long as he keeps popping Energizers.

Single thoughts because I be thinking:
1.) Don't you just love the Boondooks (Gerald calm down) a black comic strip for us by us.
2.) Did Lil Kim's breasts get bigger again
3.) Where the fuck is the new Maxwell CD
4.) I walked from the car to the movie theater on Sunday and came to the conclusion that it just isn't safe being outside in Texas in the Summer (How hot was it you ask, well all I know is that it was at least triple digits and once it goes past there I stop counting for my own safty I mean no nigga should know the true temperature that might cause a run on Kool Aid or something)
5.) I love AC, AC is my friend, if you don't have AC, don't use AC, I aint coming over that aint hattin it's just the truth because I have to draw the line somewhere and in Texas that's where you draw the line.
6.) Has anybody seen Dre Davis?
7.) White people will always steal your ideas at work so keep them to yourself.
8.) While I am still reeling from my golf defeat at the hands of THE CHAP I take comfort in the fact that I beat his ass several time in John Madden. Don't come to the house unless you are ready to bring it.
9.) I also expect to rebound with a crushing defeat of Mr. Simon on Saturday (if we are lucky he will throw a fit and break a club or something).
10.) And last but not least those feeling sorry for a brotha may request my address and send tapes of Sex in the City, Soul Food, The Roy Jones fight, that expose on the Baltimore Raven, any episode of Real Sex (everybody watches but nobody admits it) and any other quality television that I happen to be missing because lets say it all together

Jamal Doesn't Have Any Pay Channels. That's all I have to say about that.

That's All I Have To Say About That (Archived July 2001)

With the coming and going of the CFA (by the way I passed that bitch so all the hell and heartache was worth it, well at least until I have to go through it again next year) and after almost a month to reflect on the boys trip to the Dirty South for the Essence Fest I felt the need to let out some of my thoughts. This may be a little lengthy so feel free to read it in installments.

1.) First off lets talk about Mariah- Is anyone tired of seeing her ass in videos. You know I don't know about everyone else but I remember this nice girl who used to sing songs like Emotions and have kids in her videos. I don't know who this new girl is but there sure as hell ain't no damn kids in her videos. I mean damn can the shorts be any tighter, no really I want to see both cheeks, and forget about leaving it up to the imagination, I don't have to imagine anything because I can see it all. You know for all those artists looking to do a fat video and higher some skanky no cloths wearing video girls just do a colabo with Mariah and kill two birds with one stone.

2.) Congressional Interns-Ok so this Chandra Levy chick is missing and we've got the entire police force looking in the parks for her dead body because here mom and dad are releasing videos of here like they are Blockbuster. First off if you are going to commit a crime in DC do it now while the cops are busy. Second off I bet there are over 100 people missing in DC alone and you don't see the cops combing the park for these other milk box candidates. But really here is the important things that troubles me about this situation. Why are all Washington interns ugly? I mean first Monica and now Chandra (I don't know about everybody else but I'm not risking my career for these two beauty queens). I mean what kind of application do you have to fill out to become an intern in D.C. Can you give quality head? When you go to work what type of underwear do you prefer (bloomers, g-string, non at all)? Lastly knowing that our faithful leaders are willing to put in extra work and stay late hours just to make the constituents (or constituent as the case may be) happy makes me feel at total ease with the political system in the United States.

3.) The Gold Club-Apparently in Atlanta there is a strip club that prominent athletes used to frequent and on some occasions receive sexual favors from the strippers (imagine that) free of charge. Apparently, the sex was subsidized and supported by the owner (now that is something that I have never heard of) who was looking to improve his client base. Now I know about this because the prosecution is trying to prove a racketeering (does anyone know what that means) charge against the owner based on the fact that he laundered money and apparently paid strippers to have sex with athletes. First off why do the athletes even have to testify I mean they didn't committee a crime so basically this trial must be my chance to see how athletes really live and apparently they are doing ok. Example number one Patric Ewing apparently went to the club on one particular night and receive oral sex in a back room from two of the strippers however when they offered to come back to his hotel he declined (strong man seeing as how he is married and all). Example number two Andruw Jones (Atlanta braves outfielder) attended a party held by the owner of the club where apparently two women were participating in "lesbian action" and apparently he joined in while the other party attendees watched. When asked by the prosecutors if he thought this was strange he said and I quote "I just know it was a party and there were girls there". All I have to say is "Wow so that is how it is on a regular basis". I blame my parent for my shortcomings in the athletic arena and my inability to become a pro athlete. I really don't have anything else to say about this.

Questions/observations:
1.) Why the hell did the T-Wolves resign Joe Smith even after he caused them to get the equivalent of the NBA death penalty? Last time I checked Joe Smith sucked.
2.) Todd MacCulloch continues to prove that if you are tall and white there is a place for you in the NBA. He also proves that if you multiply your stats on a per minute basis anyone can be a fucking all-star.
3.) Why the hell is J-lo fucking with my heart looking so good in her new video?
4.) Deion thanks for saving us from the torture of seeing you coon for another football season. Now if you would only give up on the baseball shit.

Quotes from the NO
1.) A discussion about clothing "I don't know what happens to my shirts they must shrink or something."
2.) Yet another discussion about clothing " What's up with the Pink shirt"
3.) You must always understand who wears the pants and who will refuse to take them off if you don't act right, " Uh Gran can you come here for a second"
4.) You must always understand who wears the pants and who will refuse to take them off if you don't act right II " Uh Arisha this is my girlfriend ......."
5.) The orange and green is every where even at the House of Blues "FAMU, FAMU, FAM God Damn U"
6.) Some brothers will go down with the ship even when they know that the ship is going down "What's up man, Yo we heard that you said the party was wack and that we had Bison (noun: big girls) running through there but it got better, it got better."
7.) When asked about bachelor status by an un-wanted heavy weight admirer the proper reply should be "What's up with me and Julie, shit what's up with you and sandwiches."
8.) I though fat was supposed to keep you warm in the cold "Could you turn down the A.C." the reply "That's not going to happen" the follow up question "Can I at least get some covers" the reply "No"........boy I tell you some brothers just have no respect.
9.) Famous last word "Hey Mitch Tene and Melissa are downstairs make sure you don't open the door" we all know that the warning was not headed and consequently we were forced to endure the torture that is Tene, Melissa and the I Love Sandwiches girl.
10.) A brother who just can't under stand how his boys just dropped the ball "So what you're saying is that the girl came back and you just let her leave?"
11.) A brother who has just come to the realization that he was terribly wrong (see number 10.) "Man if I would have known that her girl looked like that I would have let them stay."
12.) Golfing would be a lot easier if they didn't put so many obstacles on the course "Damn I hit another tree."
13.) A beaten down man looking for help "I just need a par 3 so that I can get my confidence back" it is unfortunate but even that didn't help.
14.) Those who can't pace themselves will suffer the consequences "All I know is that I spent about an hour in the bathroom of the club and I missed the fight."
15.) Even a nice party can turn into a battle royal " Oh shit she just threw that bottle at her." 16.) One brother to another " all I know is that I said that nigga had on tight pants and I get the evil eye, even his girl laughed because that nigga did have on some tight pants."

Last but not least a few observations from the NO:
1.) belt loops are going out of style and that is a good thing
2.) J.R. Ryder isn't afraid to throw a beat down on his girl in a hotel lobby
3.) John Singleton is a dumb ass
4.) Tyrone (his mamma calls him Ty-Ron Rico calls him Tyrone and Jamal calls him a week ass bitch) Lue (after playing defense against Allen for all of a quarter) now has a posse.
5.) Judging by the long line of women at his party (conservative girl to guy ratio of 12 to 1) apparently people forgot Magic has Aids.
6.) Last but not least the boys had a great time and will continue to do so in the future. And that's all I have to say about that.

The Rattlesnake's Bite (Archived 2001)

Damn right! It's your, the E-Wicked, hollering from the plush law offices in Western Michigan. Since a few of my former roommates have decided the blast the cyberworld with their takes on society, let ol' Fountain have a crack at it too.

Roll call...
1. BOBBY 'GHETTO BLASTER' BROWN. Tate, you mean to tell me this ashy sumbitch is in a movie now? What, did COPS strike a motion picture deal with Paramount or something? Jesus Christ, just what we need, this ignorant, toothy bastard on the big screen portraying a 'brother'. Well unless I've missed out on a few euphemisms (yeah J-Daddy, Austin's got a vocab too) for us, brother does not equate to that fucking animal, Bobby Brown. He is almost of Tyson-like savagry, and Larry Phillips stupidity. Need I remind y'all that this is the same nimrod that ripped a dude's earring slap out of his ear while at Disney World. Yeah, I always get violent after riding It's A Small World too. Fucking grown-ass Bebe's Kid. If you listen to Bobby's weed-smoking, weave-wearing wife, maybe Ghetto Blaster should star in his own movie be called 'The Original King of R&B'. What is that shit about and why does the bitch keep saying it? Unless R&B stands for 'recivitsm and bail' I don't want to hear. I'm sick of this shit. I want to see a Texas-Death/Fatal Fourway/Barb Wire/Loser Leave Town Match/No DQ with Ghetto Blaster, Crazy Larry (not Frieder) Phillips, Tyson the Cannibal and Puffy. I don't give a shit who wins, but the winner can have the honor of being the posterboy for Supathug 2001. What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what.

2. MICHAEL JACKSON. Now this ain't about Mike groping some little white boy's. Personally, I don't believe that shit. What it is about is Mike losing his goddamn mind. How many of y'all saw Mike posing (B-Boy style, if you listen to that idiot Sway on MTV) with Jay-Z at some award show. Mike is running his ass around talking about, "You ain't see nothing yet. " Bullshit, Mike. I've seen plenty. I've seen you turn into the real-life Chameleon. Somebody ought to cast his ass in the Spiderman movie. Thanks to shitty-ass Pepsi, I've seen your hair catch on fire (Hee Hee). I've seen Thriller get surpassed as the best selling album of all-time (The Eagles). And I've seen you crying like somebody after a Roy Firestone interview about the police coming and taking pictures of your body. Shit, don't cry. Drop your draws and let 'em see your little shrivled up, polka-dot wee-wee. Back to this Jay-Z shit though, I'm Mike comes out Hammer-style with some 'Pumps and a Bump' crap with a damn skully and some Pelle Pelle jeans, I'm whipping somebody's ass.

3. NBA RUN-DOWN. Kobe just spent 13.5 M on a house for he and his Betty, Jane, Katey, Rebecca, Sarah (Uh oh!) whatever her name is wife. I've heard this shit has a water-slide and some type of small roller coaster, amongst other amenities. Sounds like an amusement park to me. Better not invite Ghetto Blaster over. So Kobe has another ring. Well, I don't like the shit either, but goddammit I'm about to get used to it. This shit is going to continue as long as Shaq maintains the ability to karate-chop Kobe's ass and knock him out of the Black Hole syndrome. You know, ball goes in, doesn't come out. You think teams would be trying to conspire to do something, but no. We get fucking Stephon 'Fishmouth' Marbury and Jason 'Beat Her Down' Kidd traded for one another. Who gives a shit? That won't help. Forget about New Jersey. Phoenix has NEVER played defense. Not Kevin 'My Fade Is Always Tight' Johnson, not Barkley, not Hornacek and not the Wonder Twins, Dan Majerle and Tom Chambers. (They're the Wonder Twins because people always wondered how two white boys could dunk like brothers). If Macy Webber and Gary Payton don't go to the same team, cancel Christmas and give the Lakers a 3-peat. Now I usually don't say shit against Jordan. But I tell you what, he better have Barkley or Magic or some-damn-body, because he ain't winning shit with Kwame Brown. David Stern has to be pissed. 5 high school bastards in the first round, 4 of the top 8. Fuck it, if I could I would have jumped too. But that doesn't mean these bastards have earned shit. Fuck 'em. Taking the fuckers that high doesn't make sense, especially when they all play in the post. It'll be four long years (and Laker champsionships) before Eddy Curry or Tyson Chandler is ready to step on the court with Shaq Daddy. Fuck trying to beat him. My pick is Battier. This fucking Klingon has long irrated me by kicking Carolina's ass since he left Detroit's Country Day High. Certainly, he can cause chaos in the shittiest draft since 1986. Yeah 86, Chris Washburn, Len Bias, Roy Tarpley, William Bedford, them motherfuckers. Talent, Trouble and Tragedy my ass. Shitty, Shitty and More Shitty.

4. HOUSEKEEPING. It goes without saying that this will be the most fun had in New Orleans since Ricky Williams wore that fucking wedding dress. My man the DRS has come under fire lately, but let me say that there's a difference in fumbling and choosing not to score (or even running 25 yards around for a 3 yard touchdown). I'm with J-Daddy, I'm being an opportunist and plan to re-enact the infamous Fountain No-Huddle Offense (Alumni of M1407 know what I'm talking about). Never mind the consequences, I was fucking locked up in Ann Arbor, slaving away since August. Time to have some fun. Some real "lay down in the grass and look at the stars" fun. Some "jump on top of a wet Honda trying to prove a point" fun. Some "call a girl a bitch cause she won't dance with you" fun. Some "I don't know my name, but I can mutlipy" fun. Regarding the above jokes, the names have been left off to protect the innocent...or drunken, but you all know who you are. Time to get it on. And that's the bottom line cause I damn well said so!

That's All I Have To Say About That (Archived June 2001)

After freeing myself from that hell that is know as the CFA exam I though it was about time to let the readers know what Jamal has been thinking about during this period of extreme pain. So after a number of request and a letter from Stone Cold I feel that it is time to let my thoughts be heard. So what follows are the original thought and feeling of J. Jackson aka J aka J.B. aka Jamiz aka J-Daddy. Shit that ain't Right:

1.) P-Diddy- So the adoption of the P-Diddy nickname was a joke and now your going back to P-Daddy, first off let me say that there ain't no way that I'm giving up J-Daddy because me an J-Lo still got a chance. But if I were Puffy there is absolutely no way that I would be claiming to be any body's daddy after his baby mama wants to hit him up for 17% of his gross adjusted income so that he can take care of his 3 year old son who needs private school, a tutor, after school programs............... a Bentley, some ice for his neck, and a tight crib were he can bring home all the cute groupie chicks from kindergarten. I mean you got to be fucking kidding me a three year old needs 17% of Puffy's income shit he just needs some cool toys, the carton channel and the occasional trip to Chucky Cheese. Shit I'm a finance man and as far as I can tell at that rate Puffy can only have three more kids (two if you count the kid that ain't really his kid thank to G-Tate for pointing out the invisible kid mentioned in the Tavis interview). You know I need to be a woman, I mean no one told me that having kids was like playing the Lotto....fuck the right dude and next thing you know you get 17%........15% for your greedy ass and 2% for the kid who by the way will be attending public school, playing on the YMCA sports teams because it cheep, and not getting a tutor because he's only three and fuck it who cares if he can read or spell we are rich.

2.) P-Diddy part 2- Have any of you seen the new Puffy video that I like to call flossin for God. Well you know since P-Diddy.....Daddy......... shit that mother fucker turned over a new leaf he felt the need to make a gospel video that features all of his artists and of course P-whatever coonin in front of the camera while all of the truly talented people sing. The only question I have is what the fuck is up with the jet and the Bently in the fucking video I mean God knows what you got and there is absolutely no reason to show him...unless your really aren't doing it for him........things that make you go hum.

3.) VIP Area-You know I reside in Dallas the flossing, posing capital of the world. I mean it is the only place where a nigga that live with his mom can get a lease on a benze or a beemer and all of the sudden he is a music executive or his peeps are rich. Yeah right, girls just make sure you take him back to you crib because his mom makes him wake up at 7:00am to do the dishes and take her to work. But really back to my point.......what the fuck is up with the VIP area I mean I understand the concept, you know that is were the high profile guests get to party and drink Cris without being bothered by the little people. I can also understand that the VIP area works in places like New York and Cali where there is an abundance of stars and VIP areas usually occupy at least half of the club and people can afford Cris without working two weeks to make the money to pay of the credit card (true ballers pay cash for Cris). But shit in Dallas and even worse Tallahassee a nigga can set up a red rope around a table throw some champagne on the table and whala you got a fucking VIP area. You know what I'm going to do, I'm going to steal a couple of orange traffic cones and one of those blinking construction signs off the street (those of you that know me know I have and will do it again) get a couple of bottles of Korbel (I'm not going to front I can't afford Cris) and take it with me the next time I go to the club. That way I will have my own portable VIP area that I can set up wherever I go.

4.) VIP Area Groupies- You all know you're wrong and if you think your going to get lucky have a kid and get 17% well if I were you I wouldn't try it in Dallas, Tallahassee or any U.S. cities that are not in the state of California or New York because let me just do the math for you (why because I got a finance degree) 17% of shit is shit and that ain't shit.....and that is all I have to say about that.

5.) Now in the spirit of Rae Carruth and Daryl Strawberry let me just talk about the Bush girls. You know what they say, "the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree". It's good to know that we now can be sure that she is one of daddy's little girls I mean the resemblance is uncanny, they are both alcoholics and apparently both dumb. Oh yeah you are going to discreetly walk into a restaurant in Austin (the place were you daddy used to be governor) and order a beer. Shit forget about the 10 or 12 secret service men nobody knows who you are and nobody should notice them because well they're a secret right. Here's a tip next time go to frat party or get the guy down the hall to buy you a beer, or shit get the secret service to do it I mean they are all over 21 right........and when you get that shit drink it in your room dumb ass. You know I'm really scared that the person who raised this brain surgeon is going to be leading our country for the next four years. (Also who's the fucking waitress that called 911 to report this crime, "Yes it's an emergency there is under age drinking going on and the authorities need to stop it right now" come on your in Austin if there wasn't any under age drinking beer sales would go down by 95% with 4% for those of age and 1% for W. when he comes into town.)

6.) Over use of Hip Hop- Let's talk about Hip Hop, with the accession of Allen Iverson, his game, and the new found respect from the media Hip Hop has gotten a lot of press. But what I am offended by is the fact that Hip Hop is always referred to with negative connotations. In fact I am starting to think that Hip Hop is this great force of urban-ness that possess unsuspecting soul and automatically forces them to: 1.) wear baggy cloths, skull caps and tight kicks and swear off all that is normal like suits 2.) causes people to get multiple tattoos 3.) force otherwise normal hair to be braided into corn rolls 4.) causes people to cuss generally disrespect authority and write misogynistic lyrics 5.) causes people to crave ice (cool jewlery for those who are not in tune with Hip Hop slang), benzes and scantly clad women You know what I think, I think the media likes to use Hip Hop as a way of explaining what they don't understand and that is young black people. If you don't understand us don't explain it away by saying that Hip Hop forced us to do it. That's the problem with people who judge they would rather find a blanket reason to explain something away rather than understand why it exists. You know I don't understand why white men can't seem to match their clothes without consultation from a woman but I don't attribute that to Frank Sinatra. I prefer baggy jeans, but I'm not in a gang I'm not claiming a gang I'm just conformable some people like suites some people like a Phat Farm shirt and baggy jeans DON'T BLAM THE MUSIC. Hip Hop is music, Hip Hop is art, like it or hate it is not the reason for the problems in the inner city or the reason white youth want to act like us. Don't judge it based on one artist or one set of lyrics take it in its entirety and judge it for what it is and that is an extremely creative way of expression. That is all I have to say about that.

That Damn Ric Simon Speaks (Archive Jun 2001)

Date: Tue, 12 Jun 2001 08:56:44 -0700 (PDT)

Hi Kids! In the tradition that my beloved intelligent brothers have kept going, it is time for ThatDamnRicSimon to speak or in this edition ask questions to make you go hmmmmmmm? I know this one is a little lengthy, but I a making up for the last edition.

What in the hell is up with this Tank song. "Baby I deserve"......Yeah Tank deserves a domestic abuse charge and a two thousand dollar fine for that piece of artwork. I mean the balls it takes to write in a song, I deserve for you to be with other guys, since I put my hands around your neck and chased you down the street. What "BLACK" woman(and I am making a big assumption here) would need to be told you deserve better in this situation. Personally I think OJ, Jason Kidd, and our favorite whippin boy Lawrence Phillips (aka climb a dorm, grab your girl by the hair and drive her through a row of mailboxes)are the background singers.

What the hell is up with the Big Aristotle (aka Shaq) or what my man Fred G. Sanford would call the "BIG DUMMY" I mean I was cool with Cindy....I was cool with Aaliyah.....but VENUS! Come on now! Why Shaq, Why? Why not Nancy Davenport? I could go on for days on this one but, as Arstotle (the real philosopher) stated...."Nothing in Excess, Everything in Proportion"

Did Derek Fisher hit another three?

Doesn't Tyrone Lue, Laker guard(prounounced T-Ron)look like he should be on Pokemon? "His moma named him Ty-Rone, I am going to call him Ty-Rone"

Is it just me or does 106 & Park suk? First of all where in the hell is 106 & Park? Like that are is so live or something? Personally, I think they should film it at Park & Monroe (you FAMUans know where that is). Okay, for those of us who are wordly, we know it is Harlem, but what about those indivduals in the great city of FrostProof, Florida?

Isn't the Nike commercial, featuring some Rucker's B Ballers tight? For those who watch the commercial in its entirety, what in the hell is Sheryl Swoops doing?

Little Kim, please stop!

Halle was it worth the extra 500K to go topless in SwordFish?

Why is it that I see no booty in the bootylicious song?

Are you getting sick of BTV(Beyonce Television)?

Isn't Popeye's Chicken the greatest on rainy days?

How and why does Yassir Arafat have influence? Better yet who in the hell is he?

Tiger stop, just stop!

What is up with this move to abolish dodge ball? Supposedly, kids are picking on the little ones by lighting them up with the ball. This my friends is a sad day in America. I think Dodge ball should be as mandatory as Tornado drills in this day and age. Just think about, if you can dodge a speeding ball, then those skills can be applied to speeding bullets and we know this is absolutely necessary for school.

So I was reading "Playboy" the other day and I found this one page advertisement or lobby against reparations for blacks. I mean plain as day, this advertisement gave 10 reasons why blacks should not be compensated for slavery. Now I have my own opinions regarding the issue, but the fact of the matter is, it was so important to some people they had to pay for an ad in Playboy. I would go through all ten, but I will
give a few highlights...
1. why should immigrants have to pay for something they were not part of?
2. blacks have received they payment through wellfare and other subsidies.
3. there were over 3000 black slave owners, so why should america pay
4. if it weren't for white christians, then blacks would not be free in the first place.
Now this was in Playboy friends, not "Country Music
Today"....Think about it!

That's All I Have to Say About That (Archived Apr 2001)

Subject: That's all I have to say about that
Date: Thu, 12 Apr 2001 12:12:43 -0700 (PDT)
In an effort to head off Simon and drop a diamond I have chosen to make today the day that I let the world (or at least the chosen few on this email) know what Jamal thinks and what Jamal say pisses him off.
First off let me just say that some people have been wondering where I am and why I haven’t been emailing on a regular basis. Well my friends don’t get you feeling hurt it’s just the fact that my boss seems to think doing work is actually good for me (I disagree of course) and frankly it take time to come up with great original shit. Additionally, I believe that unnecessary forwards are the junk mail of the Internet so I focus on sending out only original Jamal thoughts (you like how I’m talking about myself in the third person….you know I think that must be the first thing they teach pro athletes in school). While I’m on the subject of forwards do people really believe that they constitute a reply or that they qualify as original email. I mean lets think about this if I came to your house every day and dumped my junk mail on your table (including the Christian singles dating service package that I receive at least once a week) would we still be friends? I think not. What I really think you would be say is "Oh no this Nigga didn’t just drop all this shit on my table what do I look like the postmaster general". Additionally do you just send miscellaneous mail to people’s houses just because you have their addresses? I mean damn I’ve gotten forward from people who have never sent me a real email, and wedding announcements from SBI people that I don’t even know, like I want to read that shit? I just really think people need to think before they forward and if it is a good forward damn it tell me why its good don’t just forward that shit to me. Now on to the good shit namely shit that pisses me of and other related tales and opinions from Jamal:
The Name Change- I am now and forever changing my name to J-Daddy…………Why you might ask? In an effort to win the heart of one Miss J-Lo I have change my name because I figure that if it worked for Puff Daddy now P Diddy it will definitely work for me. So all of you can expect an announcement of our upcoming nuptials in the near future.
Return of the Player Card- I am happy to announce that Ricardo Simon is no longer operating the airline known as Rico Air. Yes ladies this means that the brother is back on the market and should you wish to join the fan club just show him some love and you too could win a flight to see the Golden Gate Bridge (and for the greedy girls out there no you don’t get to keep the air miles). The sad thing about the return of the card is that as we all know this is like Fred Biletnikoff returning to the NFL now that stick-um is outlawed………we’re in for a bunch of dropped balls. Now we all now the every nigga drops the ball some of the time but this nigga drops the ball all the time……..even hand offs……….it’s sad it’s just really sad but all the same the player card has returned.
Pimpin in the 01-Where is it written that nigga’s always need a nice ride to pull the girls. Quote from BiG Mike "Dog we need to lock down this limo for the Luau because you know the honeys are going to be all over us when we pull up at the club." Whatever happened to getting a girl in a Yugo…..now that takes real skill…….and don’t even let me start talking about pulling up to the house on the BMX with the tight rims because if it ain’t on 20 you might as well be walking. Now let me also say that women don’t help this matter by flocking to the nigga in the new Lex or the tight Land Rover……"Girl did you see that Nigga in that car"……..the real question should be "did you know that Nigga lives with his mom" or "did you know that Nigga don’t have furniture at his house" that is the real question.
Them cool ass Japanese muther fuckers-Now last email I kind of laid into the Japanese for their inability to make a quality product on time. Well I now have a PS2(I had to sneak this grandma with a dvd across the face to pry it out of her hands but she will be ok in a couple of weeks and I’m sure her grandkids understand that they’re not getting their birthday present because grandma tried a brother in Bestbuy) and let me just say that I have a little piece of heaven in my house and the 36 " Sony Vega was made for this system. Oh yeah and rather than getting my ass kicked by little kids in Bestbuy I am now getting my ass kicked by the computer and I’m not really sure which is better.
Darryl Strawberry- Now with every email I like to point out those black people who are truly achieving in or society (see Rae Carruth) so this time I must talk about Strawberry. OK so let me get this strait you were riding home from the drug rehab center with a woman in AA (why?) when you were kidnapped robbed and held hostage for four days (damn dog) and during that time you happened to smoke crack (I bet they made you smoke it). You know what….first I’m just going to start calling that nigga Pookie, second I think the crack was the only true part of the story, and third that story is right up there with Rae Carruth’s on the believability scale. Which bring us back to Rae…..damn you’re a dumb Nigga I mean Darryl’s story ain’t believable but shit he’s a crack head so what can we expect. You know it’s sad but I think we should all put together a collection to buy Darryl some crack and let him smoke until his heart is content because who’s he really hurting?
Tiger Wood yall-You know I take a lot of pride in black guy with a big stick beating white people’s ass on a regular basis and because of that he is my Nigga. So what if he is a "big teethed bastard" that nigga can hit the ball better than any one else. Next sport bowling…..I sure there is some little fucker out in the hood talking shit and practicing with a basketball and some tin cans.
Kobe "the new black hole"- Now that Kobe has returned to the Lakers I just have on thing to say to Shaq "Hold on to the damn ball because if you give it up you ain’t getting it back".
DC metro area bumming again - I’m not even going to say shit about the Terps but you know I did here that there was a 0.00000000000000000000000000000001% chance that Mike was going to play for the Wizards…..naw even he ain’t that stupid. That’s all I have to say about that and these are the words of J-Daddy and until the next time peace.

The Rattle Snake's Bite (Archived March 2001)

Hey Yo,
As the third month of 2001 comes to an end, let the Resident Cynic convey his definition of March Madness.

Now I know what you all are thinking, here comes Fountain and his annual shpeel about somebody cheating Carolina out of the title...WELL YOUR DAMN RIGHT! What the hell, fucking Penn State? Shouldn't that campus be more concerned with making sure Paterno is properly hooked up to his dialysis machine than winning basketball games? Oh well, to hell with it. You know, at some point (probably when I got older than the bastards I was rooting for), I stopped caring as much. That means there were no slammed doors, kicked tables or profanity-laced tirades this year. Fuck it, as long as I don't have to watch Mateen Cleaves do that stupid dance and hear Billy Packer call him the best player in Michigan State history, I can deal. Hell, I may even watch the game this year.

Moving on to a more somber note, our beloved President, Freddy "Big Daddy" Humphries is resigning as the eighth President of our esteemed undergraduate institution. (Hee Hee). WARNING: If you feel strongly on this matter:,
1) kiss my ass,
2) move on to the next paragraph,
3) print out this e-mail, turn it sideways and stick it straight up your candy-ass.
Well, old Hump is moving on. Damn, and I never did see that Wal-Mart commercial with him in it. Oh well, there's always the myth. My thing is this, wha' happent? You mean to tell me after God knows how many years of slurred speech and public drunkeness, this big red bastard is leaving? Well the memories are endless. Who could ever forget Hump's inebriated capitulation of the Rattler Strike, Strike and Strike again? (When the dark clouds circle and the Rattler is caught in the rain without an umbrella, when the Rattler receives the pink notice from Centel, when the Rattler's drivers licsense is suspended for DUI...Uh Oh). I tell you, that damn Rattler received more personalization than a mixed drink at an open bar..Uh Oh. Granted, I'm not there anymore (and am never going back) the place won't be the same without Big Red. As far as I'm concerned FAMU stood for Freddy's an Alcoholic and a Motherfucker University. Happy Trails, Hump. But dammit, if I here rumors of Bigfoot lurking in the Panhandle, it's gonna be somebody's ass!

Moving on, March is also the last month before all law students fall into the irritable state known as Finals Phobia. FP is characterized by states of manic depression, mood swings, exorbant paranoia and is the #1 cause of missing to Kappa Luau because you have a Contracts Final the following Monday. You see, even if The Arrogant One wanted to grace Leon County one more time, it's a no-go. For those in attendance, remember only in moderation and when the police aren't looking (I'm talking about grabbing asses). By the way, if the Artist Formally Known As Craig Collins shows up, somebody snatch that straw hat off his head and send his ass home...please.

One good thing about this shitty month is that the old Rattlesnake locked down another pretense for employment. Yours truly is the newest summer associate at Varnum, Riddering, Schmidt and Howlett, located in lovely Grand Rapids, Michigan. Next year my ass will make sure to apply early. But in the meanwhile, I'll take that 13 a week. I'm currently in deliberation as to tell the locals that I know one Mr. Mitchell Hopson. They don't have lynch mobs anymore, do they?

The last notable concerning March's astounding shittiness is the recent blow to affirmative action that my prestigous law school suffered. Like I told somebody else, "Fuck it, I'm in". Now that's probably not the most supportive attitude to have, but "Fuck it, I'm in". Besides, you all have known me for years, what did you expect, some sorrow and dismay? What a load of crap! Don't preach your morality to me, Eric Fountain doesn't have any compassion. You want mercy, take your ass to church!

And that's the bottom line 'cause Fountain damn well said so.

"Who's a greedy bastard? (You are) Why? (You just had a big breakfast) You got some french fries, this nigga got an ice cream cone and this nigga ate a whole thing of peanuts in 3 seconds."
Jamal Jackson in his infamous rhetort to Rico's characterization, circa Mardi Gras 2000.

1st miscellaneous mission (archive Feb 2001)

Well gentlemen it is time………..time for what you might ask? This mission should you choose to accept it is one that will surly result in trouble, women with little or nothing on, Florida sun, maybe a few arrests, hopefully a big hot tub party, and definitely drunken maddness. It has come to my attention that the Kappa Luau will be held in Tallahassee on April 21, 2001 and in the spirit of B-306 I must declare that the "Boys Will Be Back In Town!" Now some of you might be saying "been there done that" and I would agree but I must say that we have never been there and done that like we are about to do it (don’t know if that made since but I don’t care).
Here’s the plan:

1.) Boys fly in to Tally Ho on Thursday night

2.) Boys attend CPA or some other establishment were the liquor flows freely

3.) Boys get up on Friday and play golf at one of Tally Ho’s finer regional golf courses (Chap this is for you because I am going to plant my foot up you candy ass)

4.) Following Golf Boys buy chicken, beans, potato salad, water melon, beer, rum (Cocunut, 151, spice and whatever else they have), and all the fixing to create a day/night long Barbecue of eminence proportions.

5.) Now I’m sure you are asking where will we hold the Barbecue well I have one of two venue in mind either the younger Tate’s expansive bachelor pad or the younger Jackson house the "home of the Stupid Girls" (p.s. Boys plan to be residing at either of these places so I hope the owners are clearing of the couches).

6.) At some point during the Barbecue boys begin to make the 151 rum punch which shall be the key to our success the following day.

7.) During Barbecue countless girls and friends are sure to drop by and join the festivities. Notes to boys: a.) Rico I’m sure that during the barbecue countless girls will come to try and achieve all of their fantasies by banging one Ric Simon the key here is to shorten the "owe me some ass list" and delete names rather than add them. b.) All other boys pick members of the Rico fan club off and close the deal with them as he will certainly drop the ball as he always does. (I don’t think I should have to mention the failed three-peat but I will because I’m a jerk).

8.) Boys make a triumphant return to Clyde’s and turn it out like we know how to…… B-306 style. a.) Note to Boys: I’m sure that during this part of the mission we will undoubtedly run into some obstacles namely: Mike macking to some Asian Girl, Mr. Simon kicking it with some melanin deficient girl all night who is a 5.5 at best, Eric looking mean as shit and some girl wanting to fuck him because of it, Granvel playa hatin (don’t hate the playa hate the game), Kong being Kong (like I said don’t be a monkey be a Gorilla), Hopson asking some girl countless probing questions about her life in an effort to get ass, Gerald getting drunk and loosing his glasses, Jamal jumping on a table and cussing out the DJ, begging no demanding more Hip Hop and all the while grinding with some chick, which undoubtedly leaves him with back pain in the morning. We all know that these thing will happen but we must persevere because we must keep our focus on the real goal the Luau.

9.) After Clyde’s who knows but this is the point when it starts to get interesting. Oh yeah and as the boys depart J-Jackson is sure to be heard saying "Nice Hat, Nice Hat" or "How many leopards had to Die"

10.) Saturday the Luau-List of things we need:
a.) 151 Rum Punch (enough to last all day) this will be hard to estimate but I feel confident that we can do it.
b.) Lawn Chairs- these are the key to the day because they will allow us to sit, focus and concentrate on what we came to do………….get drunk and watch the asses pass buy.
c.) Big straw hats- Why because I just want to look like a pimp and I think this will help.
d.) Aspirin for Hopson’s hangover that he will undoubtedly have because he is old but that’s OK because he will be the first to collect social security and then we can all crash at his crib.
e.) The Stupid Girls for entertainment why……. because their entertaining…………see last years tape…….specifically when the jeans became shorts…………classic material.
f.) Drink
g.) Drink
h.) Drink
i.)Drink
j.) Drink
k.) Drink
l.) Drink
m.) Drink

11.) Possibly if they can get up the boys play golf Sunday morning.

12.) The boys depart Tally Ho having left their mark on the city and FAMU once again. Should you choose to accept this mission the agency will disavow all knowledge of your existence. Let me know what’s the deal (your thoughts and opinion on the plan) by hitting me back and feel free to add activities to the list as you see fit. Peace J-Jackson the man with the master plan.