Friday, May 27, 2005

TDRS-THE U DON'T KNOW ME EDITION

What Up Fam, What Up Folk, it’s YaBoy and I’m telling all the ladies out there to give me dat. Big shout out to the new readers (EjAce and Serendipity, who actually posted a reply on the hollaatyaboys blog site). Yeah summer time is coming and I can’t wait for skirts and skins. Anyway, I was slightly pissed off last week and I must apologize to many of you who wrote in (Jacq and Nicole) to correct a brotha on certain reality television shows. Apparently (i) we won back to back Amazing Races, (ii) American Idol’s Bo Bock is much more talented than Vonzell, (iii) Keenyah didn’t consistently bring her A-Game and deserved to get booted on America’s Top Model and (iv) there have been two Real World’s (“RW”) that featured more than 3 black people (RW NY and Vegas). Btw RW Las Vegas has got to be the best RW of all time. My boy J-Jackson and I have had a crush on Irulan for a minute now.

Yes, TDRS didn’t bring his A-Game last week and I sincerely apologize for my ridiculous rants that were not grounded in facts (they never really are). The only show I should have commented on was Kevin Hill b/c I actually watch the show religiously. I’m still very upset about its cancellation. I mean no more Michael Michelle or Monroe McManus …… Damn, Damn, Damn! Anyway, I’ll stop and post the mailbag comments this week before diving into my thoughts.

Mailbag
The mailbag is sort of long this week, but it is for a reason. My man Mr. Carlos Lawton spit some fire to TDRS and I don’t ever back away from fire so here are his comments:
Alright see now I gotta take the time and actually take the time to respond (only because one of this weeks points caused a rift between me and girl from way back (no names will be mentioned)). You dig those indented parenthesis. I know, but moving on. I was shocked, appalled, angered, hurt and dare I say pissed of man all at the same time by your comments on Vicente Fox. For those that read the latest TDRS but don’t really know what all the hype is about here is the statement that caused the stir.
"There is no doubt that Mexican men and women, full of dignity, drive and a capacity for work, are doing the jobs that not even blacks want to do there, in the United States."
You see me talking directly to your readers so you gotta post this even though it’s probably gonna be too long and not nearly as poignant as your commentaries. Again moving on. I’m sure that this response coming from me will shock anyone that knows me considering the fact that one of my many online pseudonyms is the “the angry black man”, I refer to my Caucasian brethren as crackalacks on a daily basis and for a while was seriously considering starting an online service called Rent-a-Mex that shipped day workers around the country in crates. And to answer the immediate question of “Is he just playing devils advocate?” The answer is no. This is truly how I feel.
Why the hell do we (my black people) get pissed off when someone says something in public that is one the truth and two something we say our damn selves. Bill Cosby comes to mind. Now I’m sure many people out there will contend that his statement wasn’t true and that we have never said anything like this. I’ll address those misguided and jaded individuals in a minute. Others that will say that even if its true he still shouldn’t have said it because he’s in no position to make such statements about the US. Shhhhhit. The hell he isn’t. He’s got just as much right to say it as we do when make judgments and statements about the situations and people in any other countries all around the would. Hell at least what he said was true. Half the time we just make up $hit talking about places we haven’t and probably won’t ever even visit.
To those people who don’t feel what he said was true, I present to you this question. Who did all the jobs that are now being done by Mexicans, back in the day? It was we or rather our grandparents and great grandparents. We worked in unsafe environments for little pay, got mistreated, disrespected and made fun of on a daily basis by our employers for damn near pennies, but we went back day after day after day because we didn’t have many alternatives. Today opportunity abounds, at least for some, so we won’t take a job paying $3 an hour picking fruit, plucking chickens or being the maid at a hotel while people hurl racial slurs at us. Why? Because we either have other options, the jobs are too dangerous or don’t pay enough to make it worth our time, or in some cases we just think the job is beneath us. And I’ll be the first one to tell you some jobs are beneath me. I’m not cleaning anyone’s damn toilet much less for less than minimum wage while they are calling me a nigger, no matter how hard times get. If you would more power to you but I don’t think those that would say yes are few and far between. Say what you will but I’m just not doing it. A Mexican on the other hand will. Wait let me rephrase, some Mexicans will. Please don’t try to take my generalizations and apply them to every person that is a member of each of these races. I’m sure there are black folks that will take the same jobs as the Mexicans. I will however say this, last time I rolled by Home Depot I didn’t see a lot faces like mine waiting to be picked up to go to work. But when headed home I passed at least 3 brothers asking me for money (you might not believe this part but if you’ve ever been to my spot you know it’s……Shouts out to my Summerhill crackhead crew). Raise your hand if you’ve ever been asked to borrow a dollar from a Mexican (Californians don’t’ answer). I’m not saying that is always the case but I am pointing it out just the same.
Now if you don’t think we say the same types of things ourselves I will point to the example of myself again. I’ve been referring to Mexicans as the “niggers of the new millennium” since 2000. And everyone that I’ve made the statement to has had to agree. Yes I know there is huge difference between a nigger and black person but when you talking about looking through the eyes of society that line gets so fine its almost non existent. There was a point in time when someone (white folks and some blacks with money) wanted some work done cheap they went and hired the local "nigger", "african amercan", "negro", "darky", "spook", "jigga boo", "jungle bunny", "tar baby". Call it what you will but it was a black person and too most them they were all the same and to many still are today.
All I’m really saying is this. Maybe we should look at what the man really said instead of the fact that he mentioned even black won’t do. He said there are hard working Mexicans that will take jobs that we won’t. Its true. Its not even a bad thing necessarily. Blacks may be considered the lowest rung of our societal totem pole but that’s not Fox’s doing, that’s not even just an outside view. That is the reality of our domestic situation and that is fucked up. Maybe had he said “jobs that even the poorest blacks won’t take” that would have us feel better. But it wouldn’t change the fact or reality of where we stand in the hierarchy of things here the good ole US of A. If anything should have us pissed off it should have been the fact that his words rang so true and that many of us aren’t doing anything to make the situation better. Getting a big house and nice car and a great career doesn’t really help the race as whole. Mentor a kid and do something to move the race a whole move forward then come hollatchaboy. You mark my words Mexicans may be the “niggers” of today but in a few more generations they’ll pass up by and we’ll be right back playing catch up. Don’t believe me go take a visit to Miami for a week. No disrespect TDRS but damn I’ve been fucking pissed off about this whole thing since I listened to NPR when he first said the shit. Peace….. The Angry Black Man.

Hotel Party Comments
In defense of the old school party, I will admit that it was hot, that they did sell wack drink tickets, and that old A$$ Frederick Douglas was serving drinks. But all that being said there was tons of opportunity in the room I mean any party where the floor is shaking like a 3.5 earth quake is coming through means that the ladies are dancing hard and that the guys are definitely getting something put on them. And (yeah I started a sentence with and) yes it was hot but I saw a number of women willing to take off unnecessary clothing and sweat through weaves in order to break it down to the old school jams. I even saw a brotha who shall remain nameless, get it put on him for at least 20 minutes by a young lady at the party, and while this happened I heard no complaints about the heat, the drink tickets or Frederick Douglas. Let it also be said that I saw the same brotha refuse to leave when the party was over and recite the full acapella version of Slick Rick's Lodi Dodi before exiting. Sounds like a wack party to me what do you think? All parties don't have to be nice and organized with the beautiful people standing around sometime you need to just get hot, sweaty and dance till you drop (that room reminded me of CPA and the Demp room circa 1999) you don't always want to go in there but some
nights it is just the right place to be. While I am talking and trying to get into the mail bag let me just comment on a disturbing trend that I am seeing in the league these days. Let's just say that you have a player with all the talent in the world and for most of his college career he under achieved and didn't play up to his ability, well lets just say that through some coaching and some pushing by less talented players he began to actually play up to his abilities at the end of his college career. Because of his poor college career the player was drafted low (by a non-contender, located in a city that was less than idea) and consequently had a poor rookie contract despite his tremendous talent. Realizing that he had to work and produce to get that big max contract three or four years down the road the player worked hard put up big number, filled every stat column, and became a dominant player in the league. He then cut a max free agent deal and moved to play in the best city (some call it the Mecca) in the league. What happened you may ask yourself, well the player got cocky, took plays off, didn't practice as hard, and basically refused to give his full effort. Next thing you know he was being mentioned in the same sentence with Vice Carter and other contract player who were performing well below their skill level because of a lack of effort. It just sad to see a player wasting his talent. Get your game up son and stop dropping passes. …..Coach aka J Jackson. This unknown player will comment on this email in the next edition…..TDRS

· MAN I FEEL YOU WITH REGARDS TO THE HOTEL PARTIES WITH TICKETS!! I refer to this as Operation: Old Mother Hubbard. Because after you stand in line to get a drink ticket (which is charged @ a premium), you then go to the bar and there's NOTHING THERE!!! I'm talking there MIGHT be one bottle of Stoli...there MIGHT be some brown liqour in a short and stout case that they try to pass of as "Crown" etc. etc...it's horrible man! So then you're reduced to sippin' on brew all night but then the economies of scale kick in and you realize you're paying premium rates for brew which normally (no disprect to your East Coast, Bay area, So.Cal, Miami or Chicago readers) runs $2-$3 (domestic) and $4-5 (import) a pop. IT'S AN OUTRAGE!!!! B. Holcomb

· Once again great work. FAMU is great place. My boy went there a needing only a small push to become the next Condie Rice. The most blandest, compliant blackman I have known. Now look at him bashing Mexicans, ranting about being a minority and consuming alcohol AND saying that his mate has to be at least part African American. Boy did you show those people who voted you "Most like to be married to a white chick!!! What the f@&% would Mrs. Asbury say if she saw u now. And, I am glad to see your "selfish" ass admit you have no desire to or skill at being a wingman. [BTW--I will do my own accounting tables! You don't have to dodge me sissy. It's a done deal.] And, yeah, I DID "set" you up with Brady. Dude, I invited her to YOUR CONDO WITH THE VIEW OF THE ATLANTA SKYLINE. DUUUUUUH!!!! I DON'T HAVE AN MBA BUT I'M NOT AN IDIOT EITHER!!! I EVEN TOLD HER YOU WERE LIKE A MILLIONAIRE OR SOME SH!t It's a pimp's version of spring cleaning, a fisherman's way of throwing back the smallest ass. I mean fish!!! If you by chance read this I'm only kidding unique. Kinetic Ken

All I can say is wow. I like your Tavis Smiley spin. I think TDRS is getting a little political on us. I appreciate the mix in commentary. And thanks for looking out for us women you care about. I will be sure to look out for the "2 minute drill", but you know I will never get caught with that one... especially if the definition means you ends up with a take home. (o: I like the softer/ caring side of TDRS... keep looking out.

TDRS, I just had to respond to your ranting about Blacks and Reality Television. American Idol – I did think along the same lines as the finals came closer and closer. Will another Black when this year? Sure it is great to have another accomplished Black to put in our “scrapbook”, but competition comes down to who is really the best. When I watch reality TV, sure I would like to see a Black win because he/she is “my people”. But I clear myself of a prejudice/biased frame of mind, and look at the individual(s) – what strengths are needed to be the true winner, and if he/she is in fact the strongest. And I can honestly say that Vonzell was not the strongest, though I think that Carrie should have been booted before Vonzell. The Amazing Race – Actually a Black couple just won this season as well – Uchenna and Joyce. ANTM – Actually that something else that Naima is - is Black. Both of her parents are “Half-Black”. And any unbiased viewer of ANTM would agree that Keenyah was not the strongest. She did not come with her “A” game. BTW, one episode ANTM went to Africa and visited the site of Nelson Mandela’s imprisonment. It was clear that Keenyah knew NOTHING about Nelson Mandela – SHE ASKED IF HE WAS STILL ALIVE!! Kevin Hill – Funny you mention this as your favorite show after highlighting the few “winning” appearances of Blacks in Reality TV. It was odd to have so many Black actresses in one episode. And why was that? Because WE cried out. Kevin Hill was intended to be a series about a successful Black man with many and nothing but White women in his life. We complained about the absence of Black women, and that is what they gave us – of course in a condescending manner……Nicole K Hey Ric, · The black couple won the Amazing Race this time but also won the time before last; Chip and Kim. They played an honest game and were fair and compassionate. I'm starting to cring though when the show goes to African and Asian locations because the saltines (white people) always say dumb stuff. From the saltine that couldn't understand why Africans kept "breeding" as if they were dogs to the flamboyantly gay couple who were scared to drive down certain streets because it looked like Compton. I hope the show stays on if only to show how dumb saltines really are. The Real World will never have more than 1 black person because of past experience: The Real World New York with Coral (that should say enough), Nicole, and the brotha. Then there was Real World Chicago with Anessa and Theo. And even the Real World Philidelphia with Karamo and Shavonda, butthat doesn't count because Shavonda was from Califorina and black people from California are strange (unless they're from Compton on the LBC. Even though most of these people are mixed, when the cameras came on, they oozed blackness left and right. Each one did an excellent job of scaring the h#ll out of all them people in the house. I don't think the show could handle that ever again. As far as Top Model, those were some dumb girls and I really didn't care who won. Brandy's attitude was stank. I didn't care about Tiffany because she comes from a lost cause: Why did her grandmother get her lights cut off to buy this 22-year-old, abled body woman a swimsuit? If that was supposed to evoke sympathy, I gave it the Bill Cosby snub: Poor black people: God is tired of you and so am I!!! Jacqulyn L.

THE TDRS Comeback
As I said earlier, thanks to those who wrote in and commented that Vonzell and Keenyah did not bring their A-Games, which appears to be pretty clear because they lost. However, it still doesn’t take away from the fact that WE (my fellow black Americans) were pulling for them, at least initially. Isn’t that great? I mean I hate being the minority but I LOVE being black b/c I know my people have my back, at least until I cause them to turn on me. This very fact is a perfect segue into my problem with the President of Mexico’s comments on MY PEOPLE and my reply to the Angry Black Man.
Let’s review Mr. Vicente’s comments in full just so we don’t misquote him or take things out of context. This excerpt is taken directly from CNN:
Fox made the controversial comment Friday to a group of Texas businessmen meeting in Mexico. He criticized recent steps the United States has taken that the Bush administration said were aimed at curbing illegal immigration. Fox discussed the role that many Mexican immigrants occupy in the U.S. economy. Speaking in Spanish, he said, "There is no doubt that Mexicans, filled with dignity, willingness and ability to work, are doing jobs that not even blacks want to do there in the United States."
A few people like the Angry Black Man wrote in and they took the viewpoint that Mr. Fox wasn’t saying anything different than Mr. Bill Cosby (Trish I couldn’t find your email to post….sorry). In fact, it was in their view that for all intensive purposes, Mr Fox’s and Mr. Cosby’s comments are true. Before I get into the (dis) similarity of the comments, let me first pontificate (I like this word now) on the individuals who made the disparaging comments.
“You Mighta Seen On Them Streets, but ni$$a you don’t know me”!
First off, Mr. Fox can give a DAMN about blacks and his comments reflect that. Mr. Fox loves and adores his people. He glorified Mexicans, his OWN people, buy saying that they are filled “with dignity and have the ability to work”. And you know what, I don’t have a problem with that. As a matter of fact, Mr. Fox can criticize his people and I wouldn’t have a problem with that either. Why should I? I am not Mexican and I can’t even think to comment on what’s happening on them Mexican streets without coming off as being ignorant. At the end of the day, Mr Fox was showing National pride and I am proud of him for trying to clap up his folk…. Check what Fox’s Foreign Relations secretary had to say in response to the uproar in the U.S.:
The president didn't make a declaration in the racist sense; of course there are those who interpret it in that way," Foreign Relations Secretary Luis Derbez told a reporter in the Mexican state of Jalisco.
According to Derbez, Fox was making the point that "Mexican migrants are making great contributions in the United States and that their role is a positive role." "They've been able to improve the conditions of life not just for themselves but also for the communities in which they settle and, by the same token, the president made the comment in this context to say that a large quantity of the jobs taken by Mexicans are jobs that in the U.S. society aren't being filled." "I think that what we have to be very clear about is that the statement made by the president was in no way motivated by racism."
Like I said, Mr. Fox was complementing his people and I ain’t made at him for that. However, Mr. Fox could have done this very thing without putting MY PEOPLE on BLAST! He doesn’t know my black Americans or me. While it may not have been motivated by racism, his comments were still downright appalling and racist (if a white person said it, then they would be slaughtered in the media, so I aint cutting me Amigo no slack). Did you notice how U.S. society replaced blacks? Did you also notice that he said his comments in Spanish and in front of a group of Texas businessmen? I mean I wonder if any of “us” were in the room at that time? Am I reading too much into this? No, because as President of a large country you would think Mr. Fox would have been a tad bit smarter in his remarks. This was nothing but a classic “kiss up” to the good ole boys in Texas, just to get some business. Moreover, if all that you saw in his comments was the statement that Mexicans are performing jobs that blacks don’t want then you are more misguided than those who not only read between the lines, but also “on” the lines. His comments were prefaced by the “my people are hardworking and have full of dignity” ish and were followed by the words even (which implies the worse) blacks (not poor, not southern, but blacks) wouldn’t do. So let’s review shall we? In one quick sentence Mr. Fox was basically saying that his people take jobs that even blacks don’t want because Mexicans are hardworking and full of dignity, which also implies that we are lazy and have no dignity. That’s what you are agreeing with right, the “fact” that we are lazy and they aren’t. Do you or those who think his statement is true really believe that? I’m really saddened if that is the case. Let’s forget everything else Mr. Fox said for a second, my real question is did he know “Calvin” (don’t act like ya’ll don’t remember Calvin)? Calvin was at McDonalds long before there was even a Chipotle in the United States. What Mr. Fox doesn’t understand is that Calvin ain’t on the grill anymore. Calvin is the regional manager, so yes Mr Fox is correct when he says that Mexican’s are doing the job that Calvin (a brother) once did and doesn’t want to do any longer.
The big thing that’s missing from Mr Fox’s statements is that Calvin doesn’t “HAVE TO” work on the grill anymore. There is a difference! I got to be Chris Rock and say that Mexicans don’t get a cookie for working hard and doing jobs that “AMERICANS” don’t want to do. Last time I checked these people aren’t citizens. They don’t pay taxes, they don’t (can’t) vote, so what else can they do, but WORK and to work for cheap. Do you really think if they had a choice that they would be doing these menial jobs on the cheap? Hell no! Ask the Californian’s who had to suffer for two to three days when the Mexican’s went on strike b/c they wanted some sort of rights (driver’s licenses). Yeah, when they found out that they had leverage they used it and don’ t think the poor little Mexicans who won’t cut my girl eb’s grass wouldn’t do the same. It’s human nature, not a MEXICAN THING! Before you know it there is going to be a labor union for Mexican workers and this whole they work for peanuts thing will be all out the window. Wait a minute isn’t that how “Ceasar Chavez” became famous? Yep, Mr. Chavez was a farm laborer who founded a Union because he wanted more in life. ….Case closed. The Mexicans have been battling for years now and they are in the same position as us……still fighting to beat the man. Mr Fox is trying to kiss up to the man at the expense of spitting on blacks and that my friends is WACK!
I have one more thing to say and this is to Mr. Fox and all of those who agree with him. My people were forced to come to this country and work for free for hmmm about 200 years. The “free” labor that my people performed created an economic powerhouse, which improved the conditions of life for a “people” who didn’t give a damn about us. I’m proud of your people for coming to this country and working hard but don’t discount the people who made it possible! That’s all I’m saying. You said this point Angry Brotha but it needed to be said again b/c this fact is getting lost in the shuffle. Black people have been where Mexican’s are and we got three XXXL T-shirts w/Biggie on the front to prove it.
Despite any of my comments, I can understand why some of you may not be upset (I really can’t, but I aint going there today) but most of us should be REALLY be upset because he doesn’t have the “moral” (yeah I said it) right to comment on something he clearly doesn’t know anything about. All of this negativity about blacks not doing this and that, yet people forget how well or better we ARE doing. Yes, we have people that are poor, unemployed, in jail, living with aids, etc., but we aren’t the only ones nor or we the worse.
I am the most idealistic person on this earth, yet I know there are some things in life that can never be changed. I applaud our efforts and thoughts of always trying to uplift the entire race, but unfortunately that will never happen because we will never be on the same page. We clearly weren’t on the same page when those ships sailed onto the motherland a few hundred years ago, so why should we think we will today…especially when we got people who can’t decide what race (I’m sorry “who”) they are. Before anyone send an email all upset, call me when you find out you’re really black. Until then go on believing you are or “other” or one of “them” or just a such and such. Seriously though, we have been doing great things and some don’t even see it because we continuously think that every living, breathing, black person has to be doing well before we can be happy. I’m done with this sort of thinking! It’s all about the 80/20 rule for now on. Give me 20% of the people that are laying it down and “slamming Cadillac doors” and that will more than offset the 80% that’s not doing anything.
Neither of my parents went to college nor my parent’s parents, yet I finished and my sister will quite soon. My brother went to tech school, has a good job, and owns his own home. Is that not success? If you are on this list, it is highly likely that you finished school too and I know my distribution list is peanuts compared to all of the educated black folk that are out there. The point that gets forgotten is that it takes generations to uplift a number of people and while it’s been slow for us to some, it is happening. We are CEO’s, Secretary of States, Governors, doctors, lawyers, etc., so we are doing quite well. As I said, Calvin isn’t happy or forced to be on the grill anymore and neither are my people! Btw, I am proud that I’m driving a nice car and will have a nice house. I worked for it, so I earned it and I refuse to stand by and let “folks” try to tell me that I haven’t done anything. I have, you have, and anybody that is providing for themselves and their family have succeeded and you ARE moving the “race” forward…Keep “ballin” to you fall and “drankin” till you faint!
I’m sorry for harping on this issue but I took Mr. Fox’s comments personally. My father was and still is that man who does those odd hustle jobs that supposedly only the Mexican’s do now, which totally makes Mr. Fox’s statements incorrect. If he is going to make a general statement and try to act like it’s fact then all I got to do is present one example to make it purely an opinion, which doesn’t mean a damn thing coming from someone who again doesn’t know my people. Anyway because of my father’s hustles, I have made it to where I am today (and I shouldn’t get a cookie for it, my parents do though) and I am truly grateful for that. My father isn’t the only one, so if you have a parent that you can attribute some or all of your success too and they did anything on the side, then you should take it personally too. We are becoming great through generations so don’t believe the hype. Btw, If you’re a dime, smart and can cook some “cheese and rice” with homemade cornbread and fried chicken from scratch, then holla at me because I am ready to produce a new generation of Simons.

Hey, Hey, Hey
Anyway, I aint quite finished with Mr. Fox. Even if his comments are true (like many of you seem to believe) I still don’t think he has the moral (yeah I said it again) right to put my people on blast. I mean do you think he really cares about us black folk? Hell No! Mr. Cosby on the other hand does care and I don’t want to hear a damn person out there say otherwise. Whether you agree or disagree with Mr. Cosby, his comments were made because he cares and he is tired of the madness, which he thinks he sees out there on them streets. The man has put his money where his mouth is (even if most of it went to Spellman and Morehouse….yeah I’m hatin) and he is BLACK! Some of you are mad at Bill Cosby for putting our dirty laundry out there, but did he really put it out there? I mean he was speaking at the “Brown versus Board of Education” event which was attended by I’d say a predominately black crowd. Where else should he say it? He’s more than welcome to send comments to TDRS and I’ll gladly post them in the mailbag. Would that have been better? Just for those who didn’t read exactly what he said or just sort of heard bits and pieces his comments are detailed below:
“Ladies and gentlemen, the lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal. These people are not parenting. They are buying things for kids – $500 sneakers for what? And won’t spend $200 for ‘Hooked on Phonics.’ “They’re standing on the corner and they can’t speak English,” Cosby added. “I can’t even talk the way these people talk: ‘Why you ain’t,’ ‘Where you is’ ... And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk. And then I heard the father talk. ... Everybody knows it’s important to speak English except these knuckleheads. ... You can’t be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth.”
Cosby goes on to comment on blacks that are incarcerated: “These are not political criminals,” he said. “These are people going around stealing Coca-Cola. People getting shot in the back of the head over a piece of pound cake and then we run out and we are outraged, [saying] ‘The cops shouldn’t have shot him.’ What the hell was he doing with the pound cake in his hand?”
Just reading the comment above, you can get a sense that this man is really concerned and upset, which is quite a different tone than Mr. Fox’s. Again for all of you who think they are both correct, who do you think is actually concerned about the well being of black folk? …… I agree with Mr. Cosby to a large degree, except maybe with the whole part about pound cakes (For those who don’t know, I make a real mean pound cake…. Mickey Pound cakes in the house bitch). Anyway, Bill’s comments fall in-line with my thoughts on building the generation in that he blamed the parents for kids acting the way they do these days. Is he right to a point? As a kid who was raised with both parents in the home and by aunts and uncles who wouldn’t go for foolishness, then YES I think he is right. However, everyone’s situation is different for whatever reason, so Mr. Cosby should have recognized this fact. It took me awhile but I know just how lucky I was to be raised by my parents. All I have to say is that my son will be able to ask a nice young dime “What” and not “Who” her name is. …. Nelly should be shot. I’ll bet you an iced out band-aide that his kids don’t say that at home and I bet you they aren’t attending public school either.
Final Thoughts……
I’d like to thank the Angry Black Man for writing in and spitting some of that fire. At the end of the day I think we are both saying the same thing, so there is “no disrespect” my brotha. In fact, there is nothing but respect, because you are part of that 20%.
Speaking of that 20%, ya’ll should definitely check out some of the links on our blog site http://hollaatyaboys.blogspot.com, which feature the websites of folk who are what I am just going to refer to as a 20 percenter. You guys should definitely check out Bayete Ross Smith’s (fellow rattler) website which features some of his photography work. Click on the upwardly mobile link and you’ll see ya boy getting dressed for success. Also click on my man Kinetic Ken’s link to check out some beats that he has been putting together down in the hometown of Perry GA…….We gotta another Kanye West in the pipeline.
Oh yeah and I almost forgot. While LG Tate and myself have pretty much been doing the damage to cure your boredom at work for the last three months, my boy J Jackson has finally awoken to bring you some more fire. Check out my man J Jackson’s manifesto on the blog site right after reading this.
Until next week, HollaAtYaBoy!

Monday, May 23, 2005

That's All I Have To Say About That (My Manifesto)

Well Mr. Simon has been getting his writing thing on for the last few months and I on the other hand have been silent. Well I am announcing that I am making a return and the column popularly know as "That’s All I Have to Say About That" will be making a return in the near future. While Mr. Simon typically deals with relationships and the ladies in his rants I typically deal with observations about life, media, and black folks. But before I return I need to let people who don’t know me, know who I am. So to do that I present my Manifesto (by the way I borrowed this from Scoop Jackson). 100 Statements about what I believe:

1. I believe that professional athletes shouldn’t get married until they are 29.
2. I believe that the Music Industry has lost its way.
3. I believe that BET is doing a disservice to our race.
4. I believe that people need to listen to Bill Cosby.
5. I believe that people need to stop listening to Jessie Jackson (that is if they haven’t already stopped).
6. I believe that women who intimately know about sports are more likely to get the guy.
7. I believe that once nice guys reach their late twenties women will regret passing on them in favor of guys with issues.
8. I believe that women think they can mold men.
9. I believe that nice guys will get women back in their late twenties for being passed over in their early twenties.
10. I believe men can’t be molded by women.
11. I believe that a bra and panties should match.
12. I believe that at a party no more than three reggae songs should be played back to back.
13. I believe that Biz has lost it.
14. I believe that Jay Z benefited more than anyone from the deaths of BIG and 2 Pac.
15. I believe Kobe needs Shaq and Shaq doesn’t need Kobe.
16. I believe Magic not Mike was the greatest ever and that neither of them can hold a candle to Russell.
17. I believe that the cut back is a lost art form.
18. I believe that despite Lebron, Kobe, McGrady and Garnett, high schoolers should go to college rather than the NBA.
19. I believe that Tony Parker is my hero.
20. I believe that Erica Badu has mysterious powers over men.
21. I believe Angelina broke up Brad and Jen, and I understand why.
22. I believe there is absolutely no reason why Michael Michelle should be attending award shows by herself.
23. I believe that in the next 50 years technology will change our lives more than it has from the beginning of time up until now.
24. I believe if I have a son, I will make sure that he is a jump shooter.
25. I believe white women are easier to approach.
26. I believe that black women could learn a few things from white women.
27. I believe that there is nothing more beautiful than a black woman.
28. I believe that beauty isn’t everything.
29. I believe that if the sex is wack and you continue to have it, then you need to blame yourself not the other person.
30. I believe that the Boondocks, printed daily in hundreds of newspapers, is one of the greatest achievements of the post civil rights era.
31. I believe that you can no longer go to school to be a sportscaster.
32. I believe that you shouldn’t ask why I have to watch Sportscenter multiple times a day.
33. I believe that race will never go away.
34. I believe that I deserve my 40 arces and a Mule and I believe that I will never get it.
35. I believe that the gap between the wealthy and the poor is getting larger.
36. I believe I would feel better about Corporate America if more people looked like me.
37. I believe that the black male is getting lost in the shuffle.
38. I believe that music and sports are the only things that unify races.
39. I believe Free has a Big O’l Butt.
40. I believe J Lo’s butt is disappearing.
41. I believe Mr. Simon has shown us the way.
42. I believe I never told D. Mendez how much I loved her.
43. I believe despite the fact I never told her she knew and still made the wrong decision.
44. I believe there will be another time in another life.
45. I believe the Sports Guy writes what I think.
46. I believe Questlove may be the greatest DJ ever.
47. I believe Steven A. Smith is annoying.
48. I believe that it is unfortunately that Bill Walton doesn’t stutter anymore.
49. I believe that if I could spell I would rule the world.
50. I believe that men can be shady.
51. I believe that women are shady.
52. I believe that women will never get along with other women.
53. I believe that the next person you date will benefit from the last person you dated.
54. I believe that The Autobiography of Malcolm X changed my life.
55. I believe that if I had to choose one (sight or hearing) I would choose hearing without hesitation.
56. I believe I am truly upset that the grenade malfunctioned.
57. I believe Outkast is our Pink Floyd.
58. I believe Hip Hop is beginning to loose its way.
59. I believe John Madden football is the greatest game ever.
60. I believe Sundays are for the NFL.
61. I believe that when all is said and done, I will probably be moving boxes for a long time.
62. I believe that E. Fountain and Ric Simon will be there with me.
63. I believe that religion is one of the greatest dividing factors in the world.
64. I believe that events in the Torra, Koran and Bible overlap.
65. I believe therefore that most religions originated from the same place and are different people’s interpretations.
66. I believe that many of the people in the Church on Sunday were the same people getting crunk in the club on Saturday.
67. I believe that preaching is the new hustle.
68. I believe that capitalism is the best economic theory.
69. I believe it is unfortunate that socialism doesn’t work.
70. I believe that there are still many scars from slavery.
71. I believe FAMU was the best decision I could have made.
72. I believe that the Hundred is the best band in the land.
73. I believe Charlie Rose is the best interviewer on tv.
74. I believe people get married too soon.
75. I believe in American, if you are the best at what you do, you can be rich regardless of what you do.
76. I believe that Jerry should have retired 3 years ago.
77. I believe that woman always have been and always will be the cause on men’s downfalls.
78. I believe that women should rule the world.
79. I believe that they don’t because they don’t know.
80. I believe that TO deserves to get paid but shouldn’t be asking for it.
81. I believe that we have already had two black presidents.
82. I believe that money and wealth ruins artists.
83. I believe that Bill O’Riley is selling snake oil to the masses.
84. I believe that someday I will find my way in my career.
85. I believe I wish that day was today.
86. I believe educated black people should blame themselves for the cancellation of Kevin Hill.
87. I believe that the cancellation of Kevin Hill demonstrates why we will always have to COON for television audiences.
88. I believe that Dave Chappelle is ground breaking.
89. I believe that my father is my role model.
90. I believe that everyone needs to see the Roots perform at least once.
91. I believe that Kanye’s head will break his neck
92 I believe that 50 won’t make it to 50.
93. I believe that a Maybach looks like a Lincoln with a curtain.
94. I believe that Don Cheedle and Terrence Howard deserve a couple of gold statues.
95. I believe that three can be better than two but that two is more manageable than three consequently, I am in favor of two.
96. I believe if Stedman doesn’t want to marry Oprah, I will.
97. I believe that Fall is much better than Love Jones.
98. I believe love is an important thing to have in life.
99. I believe that family is the most important thing we have.
100. But mostly I believe in my brothas and sisters like no other.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

TDRS-THE I'M PISSED OFF MAN EDITION

Ahh it’s 11:35am on Thursday May 19th and ya boy TDRS is sitting here multitasking between generating revenue for the bank, communicating with friends via email, and every hour or so catching up with the current news via the net. I honestly wasn’t going to send out a TDRS today, but after seeing Keenyah getting kicked off of America’s Top Model (“Top Model”) and Vonzell being voted from American Idol (“Idol), I just had to put down some of my thoughts. Let me just say that I have never watched Idol or Top Model in their entirety. I only watched Top Model last night b/c it preceded the season finale of my favorite show Kevin Hill, which came on at 9pm. As for Idol, I from time to time turn to FOX just to see what all the hype is about, but quickly change the channel when I hear Randy Jackson say the word “dude” for the umpteenth time or see that Simon has on the same basic black shirt.

As always, let’ get this party started by saying what up to the new readers (Randi, Trent, Jamie, Vanetta, J Hendricks, and J Simpson-The Denver kid,). Let’s get this party started with the mailbag.

THE NFL DRAFT EDITION:
· I Love the "Ti Tay" job point. I support the "Timed Release Ti Tay job", that way you get, I mean enjoy, what YOU pay for. L. Johnson
· anonymous source: don't forget about the international talent their. this is comparable to the high school direct and the surge of eastern european players taking over the top draft spots in the nba. there is a lot of talent beyond these borders. i'd like to see your scouting report when you return from brazil, which is in my opinion the largest source of the diamonds in the rough! · As always, TDRS is worthy of its highly anticipated status. I will say this, though; folks shouldn’t underestimate a strong GM. A strong GM will be your chief scout, your capologist, and war room leader. A strong GM is someone who sees his retirement as a measure of success from playing the game, not as an alternative to playing it. Signs that you have a strong GM:
Your GM is willing and able to roll with you on a regular basis; with his Assistant GM’s blessing. He will have to cut the night short, but won’t do so until you are at least within field goal range;
Your GM will help you prioritize based on where you ARE in the game, not where you SHOULD be;
Your GM associates with other strong GM’s. The “birds of a feather” rules you’ve been talking about to this point apply with your GM also; and, finally,
Your GM actually left the game on his own terms. No need to elaborate on the importance of this one……M Nadhri
Ah Grasshopper, your skills are growing stronger week by week, like a fierce dragon! This is a personal best for you so that means you have stepped up to the next level in your training. Keep this up and soon you’ll be able to retrieve the stone from the Masters hand!……Sinsai (Yas) · Aiight, i had to reply to this one bro. Great edition again, you continue to outdo yourself! You wrong for calling out Jason White, you're killlig all of us Sooner fans on your list. However, we do have a helluva lot of National Championships to look back on, and I guarantee we'll be in the running again next year. Also, you didn't mention the recent advent of "foreign players". I'm talking Yao/Hideo type stuff. Your "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" section of "how to get a good black man" didn't include mention of the Asian honeys. Brothers all around the country (and white boys too) are catching onto the "talent" in this market. They are well known for working hard for the team and not causing any drama…. J Reid. Yo J, I hear you on the Asian honey’s but I can’t go there. Okay before Mitch writes in, “Suki Son” was a real cool Japanese chick. Sorry folks but you’d have to have been in Shanghai in 1996 or soon afterward to understand. Anyway, J, I am just not attracted unless they are black-asian (how you like that LG Tate). I had to think of someway to keep giving props to Amerie. Btw, is it just me or are there way to many ladies wearing those short skirts like Amerie has in the “its just one thing” video. I love it! How To Find A Good Black Man Edition· As for feedback: My peeps dont know about the "official" OMSA list but I'm definitely on a few lists like that *heh*. Also, is it possible to be a member of a crew AND a squad (at different times)? Because some venues require unabridged squad action, complete with with the breeze from the A/C blowing your hair as you enter the door, walking to the beat of the song on the system.... And then, there's those times when you and your Crew crash someone's pool party with the UGK CDs out your trunk... I'm just sayin' tho. *And I'm asking this on the behalf of a friend, of course...* Also, I know I'm new, just in case you've addressed something like this but can you tell my WHY dudes think it's sexy to whisper ish in a woman's ear like "beat the p****y up, beat the p****y up..." -OR- one i've heard before, "guhl gimme dat p****y." It's all sex and violence, not only do most chicks not LIKE the word "pu**y" but then the ni**a is tombout being EXTRA aggressive on it. Um... OW! Peace Ric and I'm looking forward to the next post…..Quia

Mood Swings:
Be patient with me because I’m about to ramble for a bit. From time to time, I get into these moods that are more serious (yeah right) than usual and for whatever reason I am in one today. Actually it’s not that I am in a serious mood, it’s that I am just PISSED OFF MAN. Actually, I have been pissed off since Saturday night when I went to a party where I had to stand in line for “drink tickets” only stand in another line to redeem my drink tickets. J Jackson, I love you man, but Ya Boy is not done with his “bitching” about hotel parties. One stupid hotel party caused my dog and I to have a slight argument and that $hit, like Kenny (aka “Bud”) from the Cosby show says in Not Another Teen Movie, is WACK!

Anyway, after watching Vonzell and Keenyah getting kicked off last night I realized that I am truly pissed off with being the minority. I am proud to be black but I am really, really tired of being the minority. It really hit home yesterday when the President of Mexico, Vicente Fox (yeah the President of Mexico) said that Mexicans were hardworking people and that they were taking jobs that not even blacks would do. What the fuc!#k? Why does it have to be the blacks? I mean Sa-Da-Tay. Clearly Mr. Fox doesn’t know how to keep his mouth shut, b/c he has royally pissed TDRS off. My apologies to any readers of Mexican descent but I got something to say to Mr. Vicente and any Mexicans who think like him. Don’t hate on us when your people:

Stand out in front of every Home Depot, Lowes, Ace Hardware, or Kelly Moore Paint shop like it’s a soup kitchen. Shout out to my west coast folks who cruise down Casear Chavez St. in San Francisco that see this ridiculousness first hand.
Will jump at the chance to mow my girl Eb’s grass for two tall can’s of Budweiser, one can of “potted” meat and a couple of packs of saltine crackers. And that’s the total charge for Paco, HaySus, Miguel and Miguel’s little cousin Casear.
Think their Greyhound bus ticket can be redeemed for miles on Southwest Airlines
Get hated on by other Latino’s. Don’t go and call a Puerto Rican, a Cuban, or even a Domincan for that matter, a Mexican or there will be hell to pay.
Has at least one relative who voluntarily risked their life by “running” or “floating” into this wonderful country we call America. I mean at least we got here on a boat as opposed to some jacked up tire off an old Chevy NOVA. Doesn’t NOVA in Spanish mean “no go”?
Single handedly keep the “calling card” business in BUSINESS! When Mexican’s get a hold of cell phones, I bet you money that “In calling” on Verizon will no longer be free.
Drink this horrible orange soda that can’t hold Fanta Orange’s jock strap.
Have to roll 50 burritos before making the same amount a money brotha makes for rolling one joint.
Getting their a$$ handed to them by the Asians who got them cooking egg rolls at Cumberland Mall in the ATL. What a joke!

Let me just stop dashing water on Mexican’s backs (I just made myself laugh) because I am losing sight of my main point and that is that I am tired of being a minority. I don’t care how much money or how smart, we, as black people get, we will always be at a disadvantage. The “Man” simply outnumbers us. I mean let’s take a look at reality television…

Reality Television
I want to know if it is it extremely difficult (or rare for that matter) for black people to pull off the “three peat” in “reality television? Let’s discuss a few shows shall we:

American Idol
I mean we had the “back to back” with Reuben and Fantasia, but the dream of a 3-peat has been dashed this year with Vonzell getting booted off. I mean really do you think the “Man” was going to allow us to pull off the 3-peat.

The Amazing Race
We won the amazing race one year, but I haven’t really seen a black couple since.

The Real World
We can’t get more than two black people on any Real World, yet there is always some bia bia (see the D/L Coming Out Edition) on there. I mean I understand there being one black person out of seven, but why does there have to always be one bia bia? 1/7 is roughly 14%, which is in-line or slightly higher than black population numbers, but is this country truly 14% bia bia? Heck no and that is why I am pissed off man.

America’s Top Model
Before delving into this absolutely horrible show, let me pontificate on the show’s title. Let’s just start at the beginning with America. How in the world is this America’s top model when the show is watched in only 2.9% of the households in America. That’s right 2.9%. Even worse, this show doesn’t even let “the people” or better said, my fellow Americans vote for who should be the top model. Are you telling me that America’s top model wasn’t decided via a vote of the people? Isn’t this an oxymoron? I’m just asking.

What’s worse is that the host of Top Model (Tyra a.k.a. “headquarters”) is black. And who in the world would consider the one step away from Alley Mcbeal stage white chick or the could be a straight up transsexual girl who actually has a Mohawk and is a mix of Italian and something else to be “top models’? Again, this is why I’m pissed off MAN!

The Bachelor & The Bachelorette
I care not to comment on the bachelor/bachelorette because I get pissed ere-time I see some type of ad hyping up the show. I mean can we get a bachelor or even a bachelorette to move past the second round on the All Be Caucasian Channel (ABC) that’s owned by Disney. I mean it would be nice to see a black girl or guy, as the main character for once wouldn’t it? I mean they could really put one of those clearly black but “other” persons on the show as the main character, which would allow them to have a pretty diverse pool to choose from.

Kevin Hill
I know this isn’t a reality TV show, but I need to comment because it is my favorite show. So USA Today reported that the show Veronica Mars will return next season on UPN but Kevin Hill is uncertain (actually cancelled according to the LA Times). Let me just say that I am disgusted. I mean Michael Michelle, Tony Braxton and ole girl who got her teeth straight and a ti-tay job Meagan Good (I still remember those front teeth that weren’t so straight in the movie Eve’s Bayou) in one episode was just awesome, yet this show is likely to be cancelled. I mean Homeboys from Outer Space had at least 21 episodes.

To get to the point, I’m just saying that our people need to come together and just make love. , Alright lets first get married and then make love. Let’s go out there and produce a nation of millions. Millions make millions and the more millions we have, the more power we’ll have. We’ve tried to:

1. Do the whole economic empowerment thing and that clearly isn’t working.
2. Desegregate the show Friends with my future girlfriend’s cousin, sister’s, father, daughter (Aisha Tyler) but the show is over now and clearly did nothing for our “minority status”.

The only way to beat the “man” is to be the man. The Latino’s understand this and are producing straight up soccer teams. The own California and signal handedly decided the 2000 presidential election. Those damn Cuban Americans. I mean they got two exclusive TV channels and I’m sorry UPN is not our channel. Heck BET isn’t even ours anymore. And this my friends, is why I’M Pissed OFF MAN!

Back to Life, Back to Reality:
Sorry for my ramble, but I was just really pissed off today. Unfortunately it is going to spill a bit more into my discussion of the real life out there on them streets. Actually I won’t spend too much time b/c as I was told this weekend “no one is having fun when I’m bitching”. Anyway, as I alluded to earlier, I went to a hotel party this weekend at the Sheraton in Atlanta. The party was called the Old School Saturday party, which sounds nice but in REALITY it really wasn’t.

First of all it cost $15 dollars for my “bitch-ass” to get into the party. Now last time I checked, parties back in the day used to be free or cost maybe $5. Yeah, so much for the old school admission price huh? I didn’t really care about paying $15 bucks because I had dropped $60 before I even got my first drink at the Compound the night before. Yeah my night at the Compound was like a visa commercial: Parking $20, Paying to cut the general admission line $20 (which btw was only 10 people deep but the promoter was trying to call it a “cut line” and charge $40), cover charge $20, saying something nice to a young lady only to get dissed in the worst way…..Priceless!

Anyway, back to the Ol School Party. What really pissed me off was that I had to stand in line to get a drink ticket at the hotel party. I mean when buying drink tickets you have to basically be a fortune teller b/c a true alcoholic has no earthly idea how much he or she is going to drink in a night. Do I buy 2 or do I buy 3? I’m sorry, I wish I had some sort of rule to breakdown with regards to “drink ticket” dynamics, but I can’t help you. My only advice is to NOT ATTEND ONE OF THESE PARTIES. I will say though that the smartest thing to do is to use your drink tickets all at once, which is basically making whatever drink you have a double or a triple.

The Two-Minute Drill
The only good thing that came out of my time at the Sheraton was material for this weeks TDRS. I’d like to give a big shout out to my boy Calvin Gladney in the Bay Area who was down in ATL this past weekend and decided to kick it with my man J Jackson and myself. I have to quote the great Billy Tubbs (former coach of the Sooner basketball squad that let Danny Manning $hit all over them in NCAA tournament back in day….my apologies to J Reid and the rest of the OU folks on the distro list) who said the “best defense is a great offense” in describing the 3 hours I spent with Calvin out there on them streets. It was all about trying to put some points on the board. My man had an away game in a somewhat hostile environment, which was loud and hot. The air conditioning had broken in the main room and it was pretty close to being unbearable. Imagine being stuck on a NYC subway train in dead summer (or your riding in your car in rush hour traffic in Texas during the summer months and a fuse blows that causes you’re a.c. to break and windows to not wind down) and you got the Old School Party at the Sheraton last week. Despite these obstacles my man was directing the “two-minute drill” like a charm. Dare I say Peyton Manningesque?

So what’s the two-minute drill? Well the two-minute drill occurs at the end of the second quarter before half time and of course in the fourth quarter when everything is on the line.

So what’s the big deal with the two-minute drill? Well, when a team has to implement the two-minute drill in the fourth quarter it usually means they are behind and they have to score quickly. Our crew was behind the minute we entered the party because we didn’t get our first drink until around midnight and the heat from the a.c. being broke had caused many of the ladies to exit the field.

So how do you run the two-minute drill?
Instead of sitting there and flying back to Cali with a loss, my man Calvin implemented his version of the two minute drill, which is to drop back, survey the field, and just throw the ball deep. This was not necessarily a “Hail Mary” pass because my man had a target. He wasn’t just throwing the ball up there for anybody to catch it.

So what happened? Well, this is where I’ve got to fess up and say I’m sorry to the quarterback. I mean Calvin connected on a pass (and it was a pretty nice catch if you know what I mean), but I didn’t block downfield for him. I’m thinking his receiver could have taken it to the house had I blocked her “girl” downfield. I feel bad bro and I’ll have to make it up to you one day. I can’t help it but all I do is catch touchdowns. It’s extremely difficult for me to be the wingman and block downfield. To all of my boys out there, I am going to repeat TDRS is not a downfield blocker. When the game is on the line, I want to be an option, not a decoy. I’m just saying.

So what should the ladies learn from this? The main lesson here is to not fall for the “Hail Mary” pass. I mean I know the fellas are going to get mad, but a few of the ladies on this distro list are my girls/sisters who I at times feel the need to look out for. Since many of the ladies don’t watch NFL Primetime with Chris Berman and Tom Jackson, I feel the need to share the wisdom of the show. In a game when you and your crew are ahead (ya’ll got in the club for free and someone bought the crew a round of drinks) don’t get beat by the 50-yard bomb that some brothas be trying to throw to win the game. Whenever there is a “Hail Mary” pass you should as Tom Jackson says “knock it down”. You shouldn’t try to catch the pass because when you do, the ball gets tipped around and someone actually does catch it, someone like your girl. I mean how many times have you ladies been out on them streets and you can’t go home b/c one of your girls has to talk to some guy who came out of nowhere. Yep, your girl caught the Hail Mary and that brotha is going to score!

X’s and O’s
Now depending on the how the defense is playing there are different plays or options in the two- minute offense. Some brothas out there run the two-minute drills with very precise plays such as the five to ten yard ‘out” route. Basically ladies a brotha is doing all he can to get you chase him to the sidelines or away from your crew by saying things like “hey can we go and talk somewhere”.

There also those brothas out there who’ll take what the defense gives them and run a straight up draw play for a first down. What’s the draw play? Well ladies it’s pretty smple. When you are sitting there at the club thinking a particular brother is looking to go deep on you, he hands the ball off to his boy who then spits nothing but game to your girl. A little confused? Let me break it down further for you. Some of you ladies out there are straight up Deion Sanders (in his jerry curl prime-time days) type players. Whenever you go out, you shut brothas down left and right. They throw a good pass and y’all straight up deflect it. Well guess what, Deion can’t play the entire field, so brothas say to hell with throwing to your side and either just hand the ball off to his boy to run on your girls or they just don’t throw to your side of the field. All I’m saying is that once some of ya’ll stop being so damn STANK at the club, maybe just maybe brothas will respect you. Oh yeah to the Biatch that staight up deflected my nice spiral on Friday night at the Compound that was truly uncalled for. Yeah you are the chick that had the all white dress on looking like you were on the stewardesse board at Down by the Riverside Mount Tabernacle Faith Hope Life Church of God & Christ in Canaan Ga (no people there is no Canaan in GA). Honestly, when I hit them streets, ya’ll will forever be biatches unless I know you. And you are damn right if you say TDRS is straight up PISSED OFF, because I AM!

Final Thoughts……
Well I know this is a short edition (it’s really not that short huh?) and I really apologize for me slacking this week. I was on a trip to South Africa trying to find Dave Chappelle and was unsuccessful, which has truly had an impact on my creativity this week. The cool thing is that the HollatYaBoys website is all set up and pretty much all of the 2005 TDRS Editions are posted. Click on the following link: http://hollaatyaboys.blogspot.com. Please check it out and catch up on your TDRS readings or even read some of the archives that contain rants by Mr J Jackson and E “the Rattlesnake” Fountain (The 2002 New Orleans Review is a must read) and the too be posted works of LG Tate.

Until next week, HollaAtYaBoy!

Thursday, May 12, 2005

TDRS-THE NFL DRAFT EDITION

What up FAM, What up Folk! It’s ya boy and I’m coming back at you “one mo gin wit a big wassup”. TDRS “got that Southernplayalisticadillacfunkymuzik for yo' trunk. And it's fat like herringbone, and tight like nap booty”. So let me take you deep and be straight to the point, because this is that REAL $hit, All Day, Everyday.

As always, let me give respect (like my man Ali G would say) where respect is due and that is to “FAM”(keep striking), to my “Folk” who know how we Rattlers do and to the new readers, (Aaron-in the U.K., Quia, Ernesto, Kimmah, Barika, Dornecia, Jabari, Jovanna, Mekayla, Shevon, Michelle, Edwin, Courtney) who’ve become part of what truly has become a passion of mine, writing about nothing!

The Mailbag:
-Why I got to be "Playa # 1" ????? You are the pimp. I read TDRS just to make sure my game is tight, playa. Keep schoolin' us on the "Perry Pimpin." Hilarious!!! ….T Mayo

-Much props & stunts for the breakdown of the teams, squads and crew. Your definition of "team" is so ON point b/c like the Patriots & The San Antonio Spurs, they are boring to watch, but they hold your interest just 'cause you wonder "What exactly are they doing on a game in and game out basis that constantly ensures victory for them??"
Re Squads: Me and my man from back @ the crib also refer to "squads" as "The Voltron". Because individually they contribute something special and can hold their own in given situations; but when they unite as one, nothing can hold them down...also to piggy back on your analogy, it's difficult to pick out an MVP within squads.

Lastly point #2 on the crew...I tell all my peoples about that scene @ my man J. Jackson's party where those ladies came into the set, got on the 1s and 2s, wrecked the party, and when they left they went out just like the Infamous Mobb Deep: "Parties over, tell the rest of the crew!"…….B. Holcomb B, this is definitely one of the best replies the mailbag has ever had-TDRS.

- Bottom line: women don't want to "Catch a Good Black Man"...they just want to complain about not having a good black man to their girls and bias. Instead they are out getting their feelings hurt by that one cat that either sends them to the chiropractor day in day out, or the cat that all her girls are like, "Why are you with him any-dam-way gurl?". It's just somethin bout that one dude who they know aint quite right, but yet is SO RIGHT. Trust me, I know. Once a woman has deemed you as a "Good Black Man"...unless she's ready to conceive or is all out of other options, you will be played to the left homie. Perfect pop culture examples of these not so right for you brothas that are being heavily embraced by our ladies: R. Kelly, Jay-Z, 50 Cent, Cash Money...and I can go on and on. Nice, aka Good, guys finish last; they aren't even in the game. Ladies, if you really want to meet a "Good Black Man", check out a lounge, exhibit, or outing NOT sponsored by a malt liquor or professional ball player, walk up to a MAN you are attracted to... and say hello……Mateo T. M, as Jay Z said to Rick Reuben in 99 problems, “you wrong for this one”! --TDRS

-Still don't know who Cityboi is….Spice D. Spice, it’s not who, its “what”-TDRS.

-Hey Quia (member of the crew that ripped up J Jackson’s housewarming party), i’ll make sure to put your mailbag comments in the next edition, i can’t check my yahoo email from work! …. TDRS

The NFL DRAFT
As I alluded to in last week’s “How to Find a Good Black Man Edition”, this week is going to discuss the NFL draft. I love the NFL, a.k.a. “the League” b/c it’s the best of the best. If you’re not that good, you don’t last in the League for very long. Even if you were just awesome in college (see Heisman Trophy winners like Gino Torreta, Andre Ware, Ty Detmer, and Heath Shuler) it doesn’t mean you’ll be great in the NFL. Heck, it really doesn’t necessarily guarantee you entry into the league (see Jason White from Univ Oklahoma).
My boys J Jackson and E Fountain provided some of the inspiration for this week’s edition. For years, my boys have constantly been on me about building a team or better yet, a squad. If you don’t know what a team or squad is then please go back and read last week’s edition. According to Jamal, I got all the tools to build and develop a nice squad. I have:
(i) Salary Cap Space
(ii) My own stadium or soon to be my own stadium
(iii) An awesome scouting department-T Hinton, E-Troupe-(a.k.a. hooking brothas up via text messages…ha!),the rest of the crew, and any other’s out there who got some talented friends who want to play for a great franchise) and last but not least
(iv) A pretty good supply of prospects to DRAFT from (i.e. from the city of Atlanta)
Yes my friends this is the NFL Draft edition and I’m going to come at you with a few rounds (words) of pure draft analysis like my name is Mel Kiper III. Who the hell is Mel Kiper? If you don’t know, you better ask somebody.

Fellas, I got to say this and I’m sorry if I offend anyone. Basically, if you don’t have the cash don’t even try to be an owner in the League. I’m not saying you can’t be an owner. I’m just saying that when you don’t invest dollars in your team, you LOSE your team. Just don’t think you are going to have a successful “franchise” with no cash. You might field a nice squad here or there, but is that what you really want? The goal should be to build a great franchise, an organization that generates success over time, an organization like the SF 49ers, the Green Bay Packers, and the Steelers. Ladies you should want to get with owners who have great franchises.

Salary Cap Space
For those ladies who are a bit clueless on NFL terminology, specifically the “salary cap”, I’ll break it down real quick. To keep a level playing field between the teams, the league instituted a cap on how much a particular organization can spend on its team. Basically, it prevents the League from ending up like baseball, i.e. having teams like the New York Yankees who spend a ton of money acquiring All-stars year-end and year-out, which means they win year-end and year-out. Now that the ladies understand what the Salary Cap is, let’s first discuss what the cap NEEDS to be or how it SHOULD work out there on “them” streets.

Roster Cuts
First off I really believe that roster cuts need to be implemented in order to clear cap space. Now I know that in the Coming Out-D/L Edition I said be greedy and don’t “give away dimes” and I’m here to say that I am sticking by that statement. However, I do believe we as true playas, need to trim the fat and “waive” those URS 6’s that are only bench warmers or what I call “cold weather” players (ones who are good enough to bang at home when it’s too cold to go out, but not good enough to take out when it’s hot). Basically, that $8 you’ve been spending on Blockbuster nights with the bench warmer can be used more effectively at acquiring free agents or new picks via the draft.

The Cap Number
What is the right cap number? Now this is the million-dollar question. I wish I could give one firm cap number but that would be extremely difficult given we got playas on this list who are truly east coast, west coast, and worldwide. I mean a dinner in San Francisco is quite different than a dinner in Atlanta or even London for that matter. Now there are some things, which are a clear violation of the cap. These violations are listed below in that classic TDRS format. I’d like to thank my girl Yas for giving me the, shall I say inspiration (?) to mention three of these violations.
1. Paying Her Rent: This is a clear violation and the owner should be abolished from the league for this type of behavior. Rent doesn’t get paid unless there is equivalent consideration or some sort quid pro quo arrangement. Just like Nas said in the Genuwine song: “Yeah, owe me back like you owe your tax Owe me back like forty acres to Blacks Pay me back when you shake it like that girl”
2. Paying for a “Ti-Tay” Job: Fellas, I understand that you want to make your players better but don’t spend cash on something that someone else will or can use to their advantage after a few years of being on your team. I mean this happens all of the time in the league or out there on them streets. Corporate America is the king of what we shall forever call paying for Ti Tays. How many times have you seen people go into an organization, learn their methodologies, take advantage of the educational reimbursement and once they become useful, dip and go for more of that “straight cash”? G-Tate, you Harvard boys do this all the time, but I ain’t mad at ya! However, as an owner I would be pretty damn pissed. Fellas, I know in the short term that the Ti Tay job would be cool, but you are only paying for someone else’s fun in the long run. Take advantage of what you got now and if she wants to improve herself in the off-season then let her finance this on her own. Now there are some things we can and at times should finance b/c we get the direct benefit now, such as:
a. Paying to get her hair done… every now and then
b. Paying for her to her nails done… Every now and then
c. Paying for the birth control pills… … Whenever she asks you to!
3. Paying for an inactive player to travel: I’m sorry but if sweetie pie is on the disabled or inactive list, then she can’t fly on the team plane. I’ve made this mistake before and I’m telling brothas around the world to not make the same mistake (you see TDRS is full of humility). I mean what can you do with an inactive player other than sit there and be pissed that they are on your payroll and not on the field?

The Luxury Tax
Ladies, when brothas exceed the salary cap (i.e. spending to much on y’all) they end up getting slapped with a luxury tax that is disbursed in some form or fashion to the other owners in the league. The following are two examples of luxury taxes some brothas are getting hit with out on them streets.
1. Kids- This is an 18-year tax and it ain’t all that fun to pay. See when brothas start spoiling them girls they get comfortable and some (and I said some) will resort to any means necessary to keep the paychecks coming, even if they have to share it with junior. Now that you are a baby daddy, the ladies go elsewhere and owners benefit.
2. STD’s-Some playas are getting caught up with some diseases that just don’t go away. I mean Mike Vick got the clap from somewhere right? I mean Mike may have more than just the clap, he may have what I call an ovation, which is more than one gift that keeps on giving, if you know what I mean. Fellas who fall victim to the “ovations” are not receiving encores from the fans and other owners benefit here too.

The Stadium
Fellas, I don’t need to discuss this in painful detail b/c we all know or should know that you can’t field a squad without having your OWN stadium. It doesn’t matter if you are using public or private financing, just make sure it’s your stadium and that it’s only used for your team. Unless you live in New York, where rent is a tad bit expensive, it is okay to have a “Meadowlands agreement”(a roommate) like the NY Jets and NY Giants. Just make sure that you and your roommate (other owner) schedule games to not fall on the same day! There are two more things to discuss about stadiums, which are outlined below:

Season Ticket Holders
Fellas, there is no such thing as season ticket holders in them streets. Just to clear any confusion a season ticket holder on them streets means they have rights that include: full access to your stadium (even worse they have a key), free concessions, and unlimited use of your restroom. TDRS has a problem with season ticket holders because they:
Don’t understand that as more fans want to come and watch the game, ticket prices increase! That nice hug, kiss and occasional kama sutra position is not going to cut it. If she doesn’t go for the price increase, let her know really quickly that there is a waiting list! Hey EB how many people are on the waiting list to watch Ron Mexico “burning” down the field to score touchdowns? As Dan Patrick will surely say this year on “SportsCenter”, “you can’t stop em, you can only hope to contain em”.

1. Can’t just be happy with hotdogs, hamburgers, and beer. Season ticket holders expect expensive a$$ wine and cheese or REAL food after the game. Who goes to dinner after a game?
2. Not only leave stuff behind (like their personal bathroom products-toothbrush, Vickey Secret lotion and body wash) but also leaves you broke from having to constantly replace toilet tissue. Yeah, Yeah, I know you ladies need to “pat” dry …… whatever!
3. Believe team paraphernalia is free. No it is not free and for the last time, I want my North Carolina sweater back (another wink for that girl from the L. I.). Fellas be careful here b/c she may rock some of your team nalia on them streets and let everyone know it came from your stadium, which is nothing but putting salt in your game. Let me just say that nalia includes such things as CARS!

The Owner’s Box
I don’t know who (probably Oprah) started this whole argument but it’s just bananas to me and that is this whole thing about not having a television in the bedroom (owner’s box). This is absolutely necessary and so long as the stadium rights are in the name of _____(fill in a playas name here), there will be a television in the box.

The Scouting Department
Behind every great team and owner is a great scouting department. Scouts are the key to success in the NFL b/c they know how to evaluate players and separate the truly awesome from the mediocre. Scouts also are great for finding that “diamond in the rough”. I’d be lying if I didn’t say the best scouts out there are women. The best female scouts are ones who:
1. Already have a man (or woman if she swings that way). Many brothas are out there using scouts who secretly want them, which is a total conflict of interest. Fellas don’t fall for this trap. When your good, single, female friend volunteers to hook you up, please watch out.
2. Already know what you want. A good scout doesn’t really need to ask questions, because she should know the type of squad you want and CAN (operative word here) field. When she starts asking you stuff like what are you looking for or the word why comes out of her mouth, then SHE (the would be scout) wants you and is only asking for her personal gain!
3. Are likely part of a “Crew”. As stated in last week’s edition, women that are part of a crew are just cool as hell and they know other chic’s who are cool as hell……So Quia (a.k.a. D-town UGK), Maya J (a.k.a. lil sis) who I know have crews, what’s up? I know this guy who writes these rants about nothing whose looking for a hookup.

Aside from scouts, the next best thing is a strong General Manager (GM). GM’s are those brotha’s who are married (Mohammed) or soon to be married (HGT) or even your dad. These guys are full of wisdom and that is TO DON’T BE IN A HURRY TO GET MARRIED. If you can still play, “why retire”?


The Draft
So all of this talk of salary cap, stadiums, scouts, and general managers has come to what we’ve all been waiting for and that is THE DRAFT. The Draft ladies and gentlemen can turn a mediocre team into a straight up powerhouse. A draft can make a strong team stronger. A draft can also make a bad team worse! There are risks in the draft, but if you got salary cap space and a good scouting department, you can do very well.

Conferences
It’s not a mistake that some of the top picks and best players out of the draft come from the best conferences. I mean we all know or should know that the best conference for draft picks is the MEAC (the Mid Eastern Athletic Conference). Most of you know this conference very well but just for those not in the know, the MEAC includes such schools as The Florida Agricultural & Mechanical University (we rattlers shoud start saying THE before our school name, it sounds cool), Howard University, and Hampton University. I’d be happy to argue with any man out there who can come up with a conference that pound for pound has more talent than the MEAC. I mean if you want to be real, FAMU can be like Norte Dame and become an Independent and do just as well. What’s crazy is that I’ll take my girls from FAMU’s illustrious Sybil C Mobley School of Business against any university in the country. Sorry to those who get tired of hearing FAMUans talk about themselves but if you don’t like it, you better learn to love it, because it’s the best thing going today! Whoooo! (Big shout out to all my bruh’s who loved that classic Ric Flair during the days of the 4-horsemen)

Anyway, FAMU aside, there is plenty of talent elsewhere on them streets. I mean quietly the little school down the hill FSU has some bangers. We know what Atlanta has via the AU center, but don’t sleep on those chicks from Kennesaw State. Texas has SMU and UT at Austin, but don’t sleep on them girls from the University of North Dallas, absolute all-stars!

Draft Mechanics
Basically the worst team in the league usually gets the first pick of the draft. What’s ironic is that it seems to be the same way out there on them streets. I can’t tell you how many losers out there who are consistently getting the first pick and this really pi$$es me off! This is all I have to say about the mechanics of the draft. Well, maybe not!

Anyway, just because you have a winning team doesn’t mean you are precluded from getting a high draft pick. There is always the option to trade-up. Conversely, if you don’t want to put up with the prima donnas who are typically associated with the high picks, you can trade down. The following are examples of brothas trading up or down to get better or more picks!

1. Brad Pitt trading Rachael, oops Jennifer Anniston for Angelina Jolie. I mean Jennifer was a good player, sort of Doug Flutie like, but with Angelina he got a “franchise quarterback”.
2. Eric Benet trading down. You know I was really upset with Eric for a long time but I’ve realized that something is wrong with Halle. FYI in a early 2002 TDRS I called this by saying Halle shouldn’t trust no man who walks in them streets barefoot. I guess she was still playing in character from the Flintstone’s movie. Halle is like Chris Weber or better yet Eddie George. The name sounds good, but she doesn’t have that explosive first step any more. Don’t get me wrong, Halle can play on my team, but I’m just saying something is wrong with this partially deaf, hit and run, chick!
3. Jay Z trading up for Beyonce. I mean could there have been any other way?
4. Ben Affleck trading down for Jennifer Garner. I mean J-Lo is like Randy Moss, unbelievable talent but is all about that straight cash and a pain to deal with.
5. Marcus Graham (Eddie Murphy) trading down (at least in the movie) from Jacqueline (Robin Givens) for Angela (Halle Berry). This was the classic trade down to get a much a better player or that diamond in the rough. I mean Robin was a definite All-star, a Michael Vick type, but low and behold Marcus found Angela, a Tom Brady type, a player who just wins!

Final Thoughts…..
For the last few years, owners with the best picks have been making some really dumb mistakes in the draft and it always hinges on whether or not to draft (i) the best player available for the position the team needs or (ii) drafting the best player available in the draft. Ya’ll already know what my position is on this and that is to ALWAYS take the best player available. I mean the less talented players will be available later in the draft and if for some reason another team picks them don’t worry because there are plenty of players left on them streets.

HollaAtYaBoy!

Thursday, May 05, 2005

TDRS-THE HOW TO CATCH A GOOD BLACK MAN EDITION

Oh and once again it’s on and you thought I wasn’t going to bring it to you this week! What’s up FAM? What’s up Folk “on the east, take to the west, everybody know the SOUTHSIDE gon handle the rest”. That’s some of that classic Master P and Mia X. Like Mystical, said back in 1996 Ya’ll Aint ready. As always, I’d like to thank the ever growing crew (Dez, Frank, Rachael, and Bonnie) and all my folks who keep reading these rants about NOTHING but full of SOMETHING.

So yet again I was sitting here (today’s Wednesday the 4th btw) wondering how I could keep this train going week after week and BOOM I get an email from my girl T Mayo (Playa #1) with a picture of her and her girls and a request by a new reader (Faith) to discuss how to catch a good black man. So I know you’re wondering how I am going to tie a picture and catching a good black man to some long 3000+ word rant, but never fear, where there’s a will there’s a way. Before we hit the comedy, let’s dive into the mailbag, which is just pure comedy in itself. Many thanks to those who respond, because they really make my day!

Mailbag
-Remember when you used to drive the Old Skool Honda Accord and we had the conversation about how brothas were becoming too happy being the catcher and not the pitcher. Vision son vision! We were hot even back then! Sh!t is incredible. And what is the deal with all the talk about "coming out" and "dl" brothas just when I got my " facial cleansing system" together! Dammit man! The ABCs are genius my brother genius. In the words of the beautiful Jada Pinkett "don't no woman want a man that another woman don't want". Superficiality, you gotta learn to love it! So cut her girl, rock her world and you will get a referral. perry pimpin worldwide. Keep it comin!…….K.Banister

-You gotta put me on the distro list for your stuff..... It's actuallypretty funny... I feel you I do the same stuff too...Des -

-So how did I miss the Rico that bought Kate Spade purses? :)…S.Thomas

-As far as the whole holding out or rationing thing goes me and Tesa were having this discussion earlier today and we've decided that men here are under the false misconception that everything or anything that they do warrants getting some Ass!!! Sadly, they are mistaken! Cooking dinner or buying dinner doesn't translate into Booty!!! …..Yas. Yas you are not ready for the TDRS “Owe Me Some Ass” edition coming real soon. See G-Tate’s comments below……it’s funny how these things work out.-“If she’s a friend, always let it be known that you would cut her at a drop of dime. For all of my female friends out there, I shouldn’t have to say this, but you would ALL get it and twice on Sunday, once after the morning service and again right after or before the 11 o’clock service. Btw, I’ve got to say that I have some pretty nice looking female friends. Is it luck or is it strategy? I’ll let ya’ll marinate on that one.” Ok, you are OFFICIALLY a wild boy! …Moham

-Yo, this one was off the hook! I feel you on the "being greedy thing". My philosophy on dimes is "if you don't go for yours, someone else will" so I keeps a few for myself before sharing the wealth…….J Reid

-This week's TDRS was straight fire. Please continue to school these youngsters in these streets. I must give special love to the "sleepin' in my bed vs. on the couch" segment, and informing the brothers about stepping their game up. And thank you for letting everyone know that it's o-kkkay for brothers to drink wine, have a clean crib, use shampoo and something other than dial anti-bacterial on his face. However what you failed to mention about metro-sexuals who are straight up brothers, is that in addition to the nice soft skills in the previous sentence, these gentlemen can get crunk in the club, drink yak till they throw-up, and take it to the streets if necessary, especially when off on that gin. But most importantly, when stepping up to bat they come out like Barry Bonds on that Balco in Coors Field. "You can't keep an old lady cause you keep f#$%ing her friends, ha." For women, it's really simple to know if you have man on the DL. First question, do you think your man's cheating? If not, why not? If he's not at work, not at home, not at the gym, not with you, and not with his boys, but he's in town and you don't know where he is, then he's either cheating on you or he's on the DL. You already know if he's suspect. If he's not suspect, then yes, he's cheating with that girl that you don't like that he claims is his friend. If he's suspect, then why are you with him in the first place? Did Oprah really need an hour for what I put into five sentences? Final thought: haven't you been trying to get that Carolina sweatshirt since 1995-96 when you were living in Las Palmas? And isn't the owner, since possession is 9/10ths of the law, still on the OMSA list? ---g.tate For those wondering OMSA stands for Owes Me Some A$$. And to the owner, thanks for sending me a smiley face acknowledging that you were still in possession of my sweater. ;=) Comments from The Monday Night Video Rant-Instead of hanging with Nivea, Lil' Wayne should think about buying some Nivea products. Ashy bastard. He shitty…..E Fountain

-you need to get laid :) Step T……..Who want’s to sleep with Mutomobo?

-That was classic!! Yes, Bobby is the dude from Mista (Blackberry Molasses). How Spice don't know about the CityBoi...she ain't really from Duval. And you are going straight to hell, but you will have friends and liquor there to keep ya company!! ……Ava D

How to catch a “good black man”
Very interesting topic these days since brothas are (i) busy asking, “where’s my lawyer” b/c they are locked up (they won’t let me out), (ii) straight up gay or straight up bias (see last edition), or (iii) already taken. BTW this seems like a better topic for my other brother from another mother (Mrs. Jean right Haas) LGT of the “Air Up There” column. Shameless plug, I know.

Now I know the ladies want to REALLY know “how” to catch a “good” black man. I’m sorry, I don’t know what a “good” black man is. If you can tell me what a good “black” man is, then I could really help you out. For now, I’ll try my best to help you all find brothas, since we’re in such scarce supply. Just to get warmed up, I’ve listed three surefire ways below:

(i) Be a white woman. Ha! Discussed in more detail later.
(ii) Be a Universal Rating Scale 8 or above or
(iii) Be at least a 7 and always bring you’re “A-Game”

While the above are just jokes and more shameless plug for past editions of TDRS and the holleratyaboys blog site, they are quietly working out there on them streets. Seriously though, the key to getting a black man is getting help. It’s very difficult to do things solo, unless of course you are a dime. Remember this column is really about life on them streets, so I’ll be giving you advice on finding a brother in them streets. Seeing as if a few of my closest friends and me already got our Delta buddy pass tickets to hell, I can’t give advice on finding brothers at church.

Anyway, the first thing you need to do when you go out is to TAKE someone or a group of people with you, at least until you’ve mastered the game out there. FYI, I never go out on them streets alone! Anyway, the biggest mistakes women make are the ladies they choose to roll with. One bad apple can destroy the whole bunch, so BE CAREFUL. The fellas are watching. Just in case you are little confused keep reading. ……..

There is no “I” in Team
…….So my boy T Dog and I were at Shout (the cool “Anglo People’s” spot that was taken over by the Atlanta Africans). For those who have been to ATL, “Shout” is a hot spot in midtown and is the sister restaurant of “Twist” which is located at Phipps Plaza in Buckhead. Anyway, T and I were sipping on some syzurp when a group of ladies walked past us. The first thing out of T’s mouth was wow, now that was a Crew. I disagreed and said it was a Squad. At the end of the day it really didn’t matter because it was a pretty good collection of ladies.

The Team
Growing up, we’ve always heard that there was no “I” in team. I mean were the Chicago Bulls REALLY a good team or was Michael Jordan just the man? Common, could they really win without him? I guess the best examples of teams are the Detroit Pistons, the New England Patriots, or even New Edition. I mean Bobby left, they replaced him with Johnny and the group still went platinum and made more than $1.87. (If you guys didn’t watch the New Edition behind the music last week, you really missed out on some comedy). Anyway, I say all of this because “Teams” are great! They win championships because they are unselfish and the individuals on the team are interchangeable. Ladies, if you are a borderline 7 or even a 6, then your best bet at catching a black man is to get a TEAM.

Ladies since I know you’re wondering, your group of girlfriends would be considered a team if:

You all go out to a bar and NEVER break-up. This basically means no one in the group can rack up more men on stand-alone basis than the group itself.
1.When someone goes to the bathroom you all go.
2.When someone wants to dance, you all go dance, together if you have to.
3.When just one person is ready to leave EVERYONE leaves.
4.When a guy approaches he always comes with at least another friend or two for backup.
5.You all have set plays or signals of when to look at or approach a guy.
6. You all take tequila shots and multiple ones at that.
7.A guy calls a lady on the team to see what “they” and not what “she” is doing. Ladies, if a brotha calls and he says something to the effect like “what are “ya’ll” getting into tonight?” he doesn’t want to just kick it with you.

The Squad
When the fellas talk about this collection of females, it’s basically in reference to something pretty awesome. I mean the UNLV Running Rebels, The Fab Five (Michigan Wolverines w/Chris Webber) and LA Lakers (the Pat Riley Era) were squads. Ladies you know you got a squad when:

1.It’s rare that you all are out together. This is so true b/c it’s really hard to replicate a squad, night in and night out. The 2005 NCAA champion UNC Tarheels basketball team were the closest thing to a squad in years and guess what, they are no more. They are all going to get drafted in the first round though.
2.When the squad is together it’s for some really big event like NBA All-Star Weekend, the Essence Fest, Soror # 47, #50, or whatever line sister’s wedding. Ladies if your girl (whose probably an 8 or above) goes to some big event w/o even asking you, then it’s highly likely she called up the other girls (who are 8’s) and created a squad.
3.Each squad member goes her separate way upon entering the club/bar. Sometimes this isn’t intentional, it’s just a natural occurrence. Usually when a squad gets to a club, they are immediately picked off “one by one” buy that guy who they used to or want to date. I think squad members do this just so they don’t get constantly hit on by brothas.
4. Everyone in the squad is pretty bourgeois. When squads walk through the club it’s like a red carpet was rolled out for them. Have you noticed how every member in the squad is always looking straight ahead? They never look from side to side or directly at you, yet they KNOW you are looking at them. Squads are definitely nice to look at but not really FUN! I aint gonna lie though, I’ll take a 1st rounder any day. More shameless pub for the NFL Draft Edition coming soon.
5. Everyone in the group brings their A-Game. Duh! This sort of goes without saying right?
6.You all go to multiple clubs during a given night. Some of you may ask how, given the cost and the long lines. Well it’s easy, a squad is a collection of talent and talent gets in for free everywhere! Squads are like celebrities they don’t go out, the make appearances.

The Crew
I’ve got to give my ace J Jackson credit for putting the word crew into my everyday vernacular. Over the years, we have seen our share of teams and squads, but let me tell you there is nothing like a Crew.

1.A crew is a collection of solid 7s and 8s who are just super cool and always having fun. Quietly some crews have a couple of 9s and maybe even a dime too.
2.They come and play DJ at your house warming party and just rip it up (shout out to Ms Maples and A. Johnson of “Legends of the Fall” fame).
3.Crews are so famous that brothas around the country go “yeah I heard about the Texas Pimps”.
4.Brothas talk about individuals in the Crew like they were legends. Brothas say things like “she used to wear these nice black pants and she was smart as hell” Sorry, but the true rattler brothas reading this edition know exactly whom I am talking about. And yes Eb she is in Atlanta and she goes to your hair salon. Holla at me.
5Everyone in a crew is like your sister, but would easily GET IT at the same time.
Members of the crew have just as many “girlfriends” as they do “guy-friends”. There are no real “cat fights” in crews. Everyone is just way too cool to let that happen.
6.Unlike squads, when the crew walks into the club they are sending shouts out and giving hugs to everyone.
7.The crew can go out at the drop of a dime. Basically it doesn’t take a tremendous effort to round up the crew. Crews don’t sit there and beg their members to go out, the members are sitting there ready for the “when and where” are we going call.
8.A crew always has a stable of men they can call up at any time. Some crews have things like “dinner” parties and Soul-food Sunday’s where they know brothas are going to show up. Hey T-Dog, I guess you, Carlos, and me would be considered a stable huh?

We Play to Win The Game
Herm Edwards, head coach of the NY Football Jets, will go down in history for telling reporters after a loss that his team “played to win the game”. He got some flak about it from the media, but I don’t understand why. I mean the man was spitting straight up game. Herm is a legend and I say to Herm, “game recognize game” brotha!

To the ladies trying to catch a “good” black man, I say you have to go out there on them streets to WIN and not just to play. There is a DIFFERENCE. You see, most of the time brothas enjoy playing the GAME. Hence the popular quote “don’t hate the player, hate the game”. Brothas like to (i) drink, (ii) get our dance and grind on (iii) tell a few lies just too see what could happen, and (iv) get the occasional win (the digits or sending some lucky lady to the chiropractor—i.e. knocking her back out). I mean brothers can go 1 for 10 and still walk away feeling like a winner. Ladies if this is what you like then “enjoy yourself”, because it is truly a “celebration”. However, if you want that trophy, a man, then I suggest you stop playing the game and focus on WINNING THE GAME!

Playing versus Winning
Just so you don’t make mistakes, here is a list of scenarios that are just too playful followed by some advice on how to turn it into winning.

1. Working Out “All the mocha latees u got to do palatees after the party meet me in the lobby now and maybe, we can work it out……..kanye west

Ladies I applaud your efforts for getting in the gym and toning up the body, I really do. However, I cannot applaud the disturbing trend of the “bootie sweater”. White women are the biggest culprits of this but I’ve seen a number of sisters follow in their footsteps. The bootie sweater is any article of clothing that females use to wrap around their waste in an effort to hide the bootie. Why? Arghhhhh, how I hate that! Stop playing with brothas and do like them boys from UGK would say, “Let me see it”.

2. That Thong, That Thong The, Thong Thong, Thong
We love the tooth-floss bikinis and g-strings. We really, really do. But Ladies, don’t be playing with brothas by only having one pair. I mean my favorite color is butt-naked, but I’m okay with a little variety.

3. The Miscellaneous Signals
In today’s world women and men are equal or at least we’re trying to get there. Gone are the days of expecting a man to pick up on some bull$hit eye signals. Basically, if you see something you want, then step up and go and holler at a brotha. I mean, what, are ya’ll too good to holler at a brotha. “Good” Brothas have been the subject of too many:

a. Disses and every brotha in this distribution list has had one that he’ll never forget
b. “Let me call you back b/c my mom’s on the other line” OR
c. “You’re a really nice guy, but” (see the stupid things they say edition)

Just think, if you go and talk to that one brotha you’re interested in, then you won’t have to worry about all the miscellaneous dudes that step to you all night, ruining your club experience. Oh yeah, if you’re saying to yourself that TDRS is weak by expecting women to talk to guys, then I guess I am. Just holla at me when your “strong” man cheats on you or when you find out he’s been cheating on you since he stepped to you that night at the club.

4. Talking $hit
I can’t count how many times I’ve heard stuff like “you can’t handle this” or “my stuff is this and that” or “your stuff is only yea big”. If you are this type of female, please stop the madness. As my boy T-Dog would say “don’t write a check that you know a brotha can’t cash”. Btw, for those ladies who feel the need to tell a brotha, Dr Phil, Oprah or whomever that he wasn’t good in bed, let me just tell you that WE don’t care. We already got the bootie! That’s all that really matters, right? If you wan’t to be effective with your words, just say something like, “I slept with your best friend” or something. FYI, if anyone sleeps with one of my boys, then I thank you for keeping it in the family. Holla at me!

If you can’t beat em, join em!
Brotha’s are somewhat timid these days, so the ball is in yall’s court to draft your 1st pick. Be Aggressive! Learn from your “Anglo” sistas, because they go after what they want with passion! If ya’ll really think the “few” brothas (the one’s that I guess are so damn special) who end up with the Anglos actually chase or mack, then ya’ll are sadly mistaken. I am not saying go out and “put yourself out there”, I’m just saying meet us at least halfway! The list below details just some of the things “they” do to catch brothas or so I’ve heard.

1. They are always at the gym. Now before my sistas send emails about how they can’t go b/c of the hair, let me finish. Brothas always go to the gym. Anglo women ALWAYS go to the GYM, but it doesn’t mean they are actually Working out. Go and see for yourself!
2. They walk up to brothas and say things like “why aren’t you having any fun”? Of course this is not what they are really asking. What they really want to know is “do you want to have fun with them”. They just flip the script and before a brotha knows it, he’s on the dance floor committing the worst sin in history, “dancing with a white chic at a majority black establishment”.
3. “Headsprung” by LL Cool J is their national anthem and I’ll just leave it at that!
4. When the “check” comes, they actually make somewhat of an attempt to reach for it. I mean you don’t have to pay, just give us the impression you were thinking about it by doing the lean like you were about to pick it up.
5. Their roll dog or “team” for that matter is prepared to “SLEEP” with anyone. This is really hard to replicate, I know, but it is pretty darn effective. I mean how can you turn it down when her girl is willing to hook up your wingman.

HollaAtYaBoy!

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