Mr.. Fountain's Neighborhood (Archived July 2000)

It's a shitty ass day in my neighborhood
A shitty ass day in my neighborhood.
Won't you get the hell out of my face
Just get the hell out of my way
I hate everybody And that's includes you
So just what the fuck Are you doing to do?
It's a shitty ass day in my neighborhood
A shitty ass day in my neighborhood.
Won't you get the hell out of my face
Just get the hell out of my way Fuck you, neighbor!

Welcome to Mr. Fountain's neighborhood on the PBS channel (Plain and Basically Shitty). I ain't interested in helping any fucking kids learn how to read or anything... that's what porn magazines are for (Come on Johnny, sounds like Delores). What's more, I don't have a fucking array of sweaters that would put me in line to be the next king of Jell-O Pudding.

Today in Mr. Fountain's Neighborhood, we're going to talk about 'bastards'. Can you say bastards? Sure, I knew you could.

The first bastards Mr. Fountain has on his mind are certain slothful and lackadaisical bastards that sit on the highest (and shittiest) of seven hills. The type of bastards that won't send Mr. Fountain his degrees although there isn't a problem. Oh wait, there is a problem, they're bastards. So what does Mr. Fountain plan to do? Can you say 'another crazy ass white man lurking in Lee Hall, except his time he's was paid?' Sure, I knew you could.

Another usage of the word bastard comes in describing the type of bastards who would actually make it conceivable so a certain arrogant-ass intern (no names needed) could come in a 10 and leave at 3 (make that 2). What the fuck? Where's the learning, where's the commitment, WHERE'S MY FUCKING DEGREE? SOMEBODY GET MY PISTOL! Oops, Mr. Fountain, apologizes. Can you say 'impulse control problem'? Sure, I knew you could.

In further discussing bastards, Mr. Fountain would like to address the sports world. Know let Mr. Fountain be the first to say, that's he loves a monopoly (hang in there Microsoft), but why is it that only 6 or 7 teams have a chance at winning the World Series? Look at last year's champ, the fucking Yankees (God knows, I hate the fucking Yankees). These bastards have just traded for everybody and their dog. Why would you trade with the fucking Yankees? Have they not won e-fucking-nough titles? Why make the fucking problem worse? Glenallen Hill, Mike Bordick, David Justice, Outlaws' Justice, Billy the Kid.. OH IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO THE FUCKING YANKEES TRADED FOR! The fucking Yankees have had more turnover than Jasmin St. Claire trying to break another fuck record. Sorry, you might get the impression that today's word is fucking, but it's not. I just hate the fucking Yankees. The only title I'm interested in for the fucking Yankees (which is their official name) is the title of my ass, so they can kiss it. Hey David Cone, can you say 'rotator cuff surgery' and 'put out to pasture'. Well who fucking cares if you can or can't, 'cause Mr. Fountain can say 'high ass ERA'.

In keeping with the sports world, and bastards at hand, let Mr. Fountain talk about an old bastard. If Mr. Fountain said take Methuselah, cross him with a grizzly bear, some holy water and a pair of football cleats, what would you get? That's right, Reggie White. What the fuck is he doing back? Who appointed this bastard the Savior of the NFL? He wants to make an impression on the league's moral character, huh? Well if Reggie wants to be a true savior, then he should follow like his buddy Jesus, and proceed to re-enact the whole scenario. Fountain as Pontius Pilate (for obvious reasons), random offensive linemen as the Romans who torture him (they got to be tired of his ass by now), Bruce Smith as Judas (Bruce would be considered the best lineman if it weren't for the old Bear), Brandy (yes, Brandy) as Mary. That's right, I just voted Brandy Most Likely to be a Prostitute if sent back in time a few thousand years. Besides, whose fucking neighborhood is this? Finally Mr. Fountain says cast Jerry Rice as Barabbus. Not 'cause I plan on letting him go for Reggie, but so I can build another cross and keep his stinkin' ass on it. Fuck you Jerry. You bastard. Retire. Besides, I heard Jerry grew up in a shack somewhere in the Delta of Mississippi. He should be used to all that damn wood and punishment. Can you say 'go get me a switch'. Sure, I knew you could.

Well, it's time for Mr. Fountain to go. But he sure as hell ain't going to work. Less than a month til Mr. Fountain gets to his new neighborhood, Ann Arbor. Be sure to check your inboxes for the special snowed-in, Winter version of Mr. Fountain Neighborhood, entitled "This Shitty and Cold, Damn!". Come on, now let's sing the song again: It's a shitty ass day in my neighborhood A shitty ass day in my neighborhood. Won't you get the hell out of my face Just get the hell out of my way I hate everybody And that's includes you So just what the fuck Are you doing to do? It's a shitty ass day in my neighborhood A shitty ass day in my neighborhood. Won't you get the hell out of my face Just get the hell out of my way Fuck you, neighbor! Mr. Fountain's Neighborhood is brought to you by the word 'bastard' and the letters F and U.