TDRS-THE I HATE V.I.P. EDITION

It’s Ya Boy, ThatDamnRicSimon (TDRS). I know it has been quite awhile, but the comedy/quick wit has been stored in the cellar, waiting for that perfect year to be poured to the masses. I understand people hate reading long, drawn out emails so I’ll keep these things short and definitely to the point. 2005 will be the year of the LAUGH!
USC now officially stands for “Using Secondaries Consistently”
I guess the only “holes” in those “Trojans” were made by their offensive line.
I guess Oklahoma thought the “Trojans” would break “Sooner.” That said, maybe Coach Stoops should switch to the Pete Caroll“Lifestyle”.
Why on earth would Pete Carroll leave USC for the 49ers? Doesn’t he have like 18 NFL players on his squad?
Rodney Pete on the USC sideline is acceptable, but Will Ferrell, why? I guess USC has been “STREAKING” over the last two years.
USC the best band in the Land. ESPN COME ON NOW!
Since we “Don’t know” the rapper T.I., why should we buy his album?
I think G-Dubbya should get today’s rappers together to do a remake of “Self Destruction”.
I was watching the history of cocaine on the History channel last week and did you know that cocaine was outlawed b/c the government believed that it made Blacks want to kill Whites. No Lie!
Since when did Carlos Beltran become Barry Lamar Bonds? Did you know this guy has never hit 40 home runs or had over 100 RBI’s in a single season?

Ya know, I have to end the Top 10 for the week. I really need to gripe and I need to do it right now. My friends, I am telling you right now that Ric Simon will “Neva Eva, Neva Eva” attend another event whereby I pay anything for the most misused acronym in the Colored People community, VIP!

Mr. Jamiz Jackson wrote about VIP or the “holding the line” concept a couple of years ago, but I feel this is something that must be revisited. Given the series of events experienced by myself and others this past NYE weekend, I feel compelled to discuss why “Colored” people do what they do and why the average person shouldn’t attend their events/promotions.

Top 5 or 6 things Affiliated with Colored People.

Cover Charges-Since when did $20 become the standard cover charge? Correct me if I am wrong, but isn’t there supposed to be a “cover” band when you pay a cover charge? I am sorry, but paying for someone to play the same hot song three times in one night is not a band, it is an IPOD!
VIP-The biggest rip-off today. Paying for VIP just doesn’t seem right. Do you really think Puffy, Usher, or any cute female, actually pays for VIP. Heck NO, b/c they are Very Important People. Very Important People get in free, drink free, and get any girl they want for FREE.
The “Top Shelf” open bar All Night Scam-Friends, please don’t ever fall for this. At a colored people event top shelf is basically limited to Hennessey, Crown, and Bacardi, and maybe some Goose, which is fine until you quickly figure out there is only one bottle of each on the shelf. And No, there isn’t any more liquor in the back room.
Dress Code-This is a no brainer, but there are new suckers born every day. If the flyer doesn’t reference anything about a prohibition against athletic gear, then prepare to have a very disappointing party.
Flyers-Flyers are so 1990’s. If you are out and receive a laminated card that has a picture of some model the promoter doesn’t even know plastered on the front, it is highly likely the clientele at his/her party will not look like her. FYI, if the parties you attend are not communicated to the masses via email, you could be in for an extremely “ghetto’cious night.
Birthday Celebrations-These are the worst parties, especially if they are pumping some promoter’s birthday party. Who pays to go to a Birthday Party? I really hate the parties that are supposed to feature certain NFL (better yet, practice squad) players. These parties are clearly an invitation for the chickenheads, gold-diggers, and wannabe groupies.
Spades-Can someone please create some universal rules for spades. What is up with these people who don’t play with the deuces? Playing without deuces is like playing chess and not being able to use your Knights. These people who play bidding in the blind, but don’t understand the concept of sandbagging.

I’ll holla at ya’ll next week!