TDRS: THE LIQOUR COMMANDMENTS EDITION

What Up Fam? What Up Folk? It’s ya boy, TDRS coming at you one mo gin with another 2000 word blast to get you through the rest of your Thursday or to kick start your Friday. I should start off with the following public service announcement. Feel free to put on the "Black Album" right now. TDRS and the “Girlie” are getting hitched this fall and yes I stayed true to my word in the "Diamonds on My Neck Edition". The Girlie is now officially “so icey, so icey”. To make matters even BETTER, TDRS is going to be a very proud DAD around Valentines Day 2007, so please say a prayer for me and the Girlie, b/c if “Baby Simon” is anything like his or her Dad, the world should be very, very, afraid!

Anyway, with an announcement like that I’m sure you guys are thinking this is the end of TDRS. We’ll you’re wrong because I’m going to keep on bringing that straight fire. Aint nothing going to break my stride, ain’t nothing going to hold me down, Oh NO!

So let’s get to the topic at hand. Many, if not all of you have read the Bar Ettiquette Edition and live by that classic still today. The subject matter was pretty much concentrated on the rules of the bar, but as I have matured in age, I have realized (and so have my friends) that it’s really not about the bar anymore. It’s about the company you keep AND the alcohol you drink. Because I am a struggling alcholic, (defined as one who doesn’t have the cash to drink like he used to) I feel the need to talk about liquor a bit more in depth.

A Few Clear & Simple COMMANDMENTS for Struggling Alcoholics.

#1 Thou shall not order a mixed drink at a sports bar on Saturday or Sunday until after 6:30pm.

It’s amazing how this simple rule is broken far too often, especially among guys. Ladies, I’m going to give you a pass on this one. Now that I think about it, maybe I will not. If you really dig deeper into the commandment, it’s really saying don’t go to a sports bar period, if you plan on drinking a mixed drink. I mean who plans on going to a sports bar after 6:30pm on a Saturday anyway? And to go there to order a mixed drink?

A sports bar is meant to be a venue to watch sports! One doesn’t go to a sports bar during football season, to watch “a” game. One goes to watch GAMES. To do that, one must have endurance and mixed drinks don’t give you that for a number of reasons. First, mixed drinks don’t last very long anyway, so you’re forced to order at least 2-3 before halftime. Secondly, 2-3 mixed drinks are expensive (especially since bartenders expect a larger tip to shake a tin cup full of ice for 30 seconds....more on this later) and could result in more expenses later on. The more you spend on liquor, the less you spend on wings, which means less food, a higher buzz and a MUCH higher likelihood to get a DUI.

Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that mixed drinks take time to make, which means that’s less time I get from the bartender to simpy fill up my pitcher of beer. You see from 12-6:30pm all the bartender should be doing is this…(i) look at my pitcher to see if its empty, (ii) give me a nod to see if it’s cool to bring another, (iii) pick up my empty pitcher and put it on the rack, (iv) pull down the lever for the draft beer and finally, (v) put it back where he/she took it from. There is no expectation for a tip here b/c he/she knows you’re in it for the long hall. See how easy that is?

Now I say all this because, I want to make it known to all the ladies out there that the sports bar is probably the safest place for your boo. If he loves sports, particularly football, he goes there to watch FOOTBALL! If you want him to stay home then feel free to purchase 6 mini flat screens and the direct t.v. NFL Package and heck he’ll love you forever. Now that I think about it, you can probably save money that way.

#2 Bring alcohol to others, as you would have them bring alcohol to you!

If I have never said it before, I am going to say it right now, and that is that white people are cool. Not only do they always have an endless supply of wine, they also have an ample supply of beer and not just corona. White people live to entertain and because of that all struggling alcholics should take advantage of them…as much as you can. The other cool thing about white people is that they respect their neighboor. Whenever there is a party, white people not only bring alcohol and beer, they bring GOOD alcohol and beer. I will say that Black folks have overcome and really make an effort to bring alcohol…However, coming with a six pack of icehouse or that pocket sized bottle of “goose” has got to stop and I mean stop right now!

#3 “It is also much better to GIVE alcohol than to receive”.
The one other quality that differentiates white people from BLACK people is that they really do enjoy giving. You can invite your white friends over for a quiet evening and they STILL bring alcohol. Not so with black people. It’s like we have to a written contract that states in BOLD PRINT to bring something. What’s funny is that white people rarely if ever have an event where it’s BYOB or BYOF. The difference in cultures really amazes me sometimes.

#4. Contradition to #3, but I don’t care……”Ask and you shall receive”.
If you’re a struggling alcoholic, like I am then an easy way to get alcohol on the cheap is to just ask for it. Now I’m not too big in to just giving folks money for nothing, I want them to earn it and the same can be said for alcohol. My man J Jackson and I were once struggling alcoholics at FAMU, primarily because we wanted to drink, golf, and eat a Guthries box (extra toast, extra sauce, no slaw, extra fries) everyday. To quench or thirst for alcohol, we decided to have an Alcohol Party called Rum Thursday. This was absolutely pure genius because folks actually brought Rum to our house every week. It’s almost like our house was a locker to keep their liquor. Now we did work for this by cooking pound cakes ($4) and making my famous $hit in the bowl ($5) and it worked. This was definitely a win-win situation. We spent 9 bucks and got easily 40-50 bucks of liquor per week. As Hannibal would say…”I love it when a plan comes together”.

#5. If it smells like what you think it is, then it’s probably not that good!
Have you ever smelled Smirnoff and noticed a very distinctive smell? Were you like me and thought that all Vodka’s smelled that way? We’ll as I’ve said, I have matured and I try really hard to drink the best a struggling alcoholic can buy and its NOT Smirnoff. I mean Ciroc is vodka, but you’d have a hard time figuring that out if you had to sniff it blindfolded. I have really learned that some of the best things in life are those things that aren’t so distinctive from the outside or inside, for that matter. For instance, I just became a fan of the Wire b/c the people on the show are SO real. You watch it and you think it’s some realty show that is actually real! But it’s not. The people on the wire are real actors…now they may just be playing themselves, but hey at least they are getting paid for it. I mean I strongly doubt if these folks/actors really cover up dead bodies with lye or buy high-powered nail guns in real life. Anway, I am saying all this to say, stick with quality liquor b/c it’s really cheaper for you at the end of the day. Why? Because

1. You really savor quality liquor and never let it go to waste.
2. You always hide quality liquor when friends come over. In essence you only give them the cheap stuff.
3. When you buy quality liquor at a club, you and the bartender are very cautious with the level of chaser…too much chaser ruins a good thing!
4. If you’re a struggling alcholic like I am, you will go the cheap route and drink it straight, which makes it stronger, which makes it tough to finish it quickly, which means less drinks, and MORE money in your pocket.

Vodka aside, I still do enjoy a really good crown & coke, so if I’m in your area be sure to keep a bottle ready.

#6. Thou SHALL covet another person’s martini at the bar.
If you and a friend are struggling, then may I suggest ordering the same drink at the same time from the same bartender. I have noticed that a bartender always overcompensates on the liquor b/c he wants to fill both martini glasses with one shaker. Unfortunately for the bartender this rarely works, so he/she ends up making a second one that is not as potent to fill up the other glass. If you are a struggling alcoholic, I’d take the first one, because it has more liquor, which means a quicker buzz and less money trying to buy another martini…this is of sort of like a buy two and get the first one for 10% off.

The Miscellaneous Vent-TDRS’s Opinion

This week’s miscellaneous vent is surrounding NBC and their coverage of child preditors last night. First of all, the coverage went a bit overboard with the luring of these men to a house 1.5 hrs south of Atlanta…to meet either a 15yr girl or boy, whatever they wanted. What does it solve? Sure it temporarily locks up a wanna be R. Kelly, but they get out and continue to do the same things. These people have problems and readily admit it and people are trying to help them…but there still lies another problem and that’s the innocent/naive 15-year girl/boy on the other screen. TDRS doesn’t have a cold hard solution, but I know that my parents raised me to not even play with fire (I did and burned a whole forest down and that’s another story) and that part of the equation is being forgotten. These Dateline folks/parents are so concerned about Billy Bob that they forget about little Suzie intentionally going online and chatting away via their my space account.

While the preditor coverage was overboard, it did shed light on these types of folks. However, NBC then raised the stakes by highlighting this blonde, blue-eyed, somewhat attractive caucasion woman in Tampa Fl. She was a former TEACHER who slept with a 15 year old boy. Did she serve time? No! Not one day behind bars. They did this entire sob story on her, like she was the victim and she is no different than R.Kelly. She was even interviewed on the Today Show by Matt Lauer. Huh? Why? I just don’t get it. To make matters worse, Matt Lauer gives some clues to why she behaved in such a way including but not limited to: (i) smoking, and (ii) listening to RAP music. Are you kidding me, this b$itch is trying blame rap music for her demise? Someone stop the madness. I mean did she listen to the new Lyfe song (S.E.X.) and confuse the message? I mean did she take Biggie’s “I like em young fresh and green, with no hair between” way out of context? I just wanna know!

And with that, I’m done.

HollaAtYaBoy!