Dr. Laura Schlessinger and The Dreaded N-word

I'm sure you've heard all about it, but just in case you haven't, here's a quick recap.

Recently, radio personality Dr. Laura Schlessinger addressed a call from a faithful listener that led to a heated, rather one sided dicussion of race, hypersensitivity among African Americans as relates to race, and the dreaded N-word and its derivations.

(If you want to hear the dialogue for yourself, this blog has both audio clips and a transcript of the conversation: http://mediamatters.org/blog/201008120045 )

The caller was a Black woman who was married to a White man. She called in to discuss how displeased she was with how her spouse would handle some of the racially charged questioning she would endure when near her White family members and how she felt she was being attacked. Dr. Laura then goes on to minimize the caller's feelings, to call her and many other Black Americans "hypersensitive" and "lacking a sense of humor" as relates to certain comments and stereotypes about Blacks. And really at this point, she was fine with most listeners though approaching the point where many Blacks are thinking "I... I kinda wanna fight this wench."

Then came the N-word.

CALLER: How about the N-word? So, the N-word's been thrown around --

SCHLESSINGER: Black guys use it all the time. Turn on HBO, listen to a black comic, and all you hear is "nigger, nigger,nigger." ...I don't get it. If anybody without enough melanin says it, it's a horrible thing; but when black people say it, it's affectionate. It's very confusing.

Shortly thereafter, the caller, who is clearly in "HEY! THAT'S RACIST!" mode is now clearly offended and Dr. Laura, as so many whites with airtime do when in a racial situation, digs herself in a bigger hole by repeating the word nigger enough times to be considered Kramer's comedic assistant.

As you can imagine, it didn't go over well.

In the fallout following this particular call, Dr. Laura Schlessinger apologized for her use of nigger and, subsequently, resignated from her post as radio talk show host and her contract was cancelled (or some stuff like that). In this time, numerous people - mostly Blacks - have had to revisit the age old topic of the use of the term nigger and its derivations, who should use it (if anyone), and why it pisses people off so much when Whites use the term.

...I mean, if there were ever a great topic for discussion, this is it!

1) Should we still be using the N-word?

This is the most pressing question that needs to be addressed, so I made it first. Obviously.

And the short answer to this question? No, we shouldn't.

Do you remember when you were young and limited by what things you could and couldn't say to or around your parents? Do you remember what would happen if some obscenity or some otherwise deemed inappropriate word was said in their presence? Some parents went as far as to wash their children's mouths out with soap (which is a little...special, in my opinion) with the point being that what was said was bad and inappropriate should not be said, right? Fast forward to now, where many of us and our peers have children that we're trying to raise to be decent, contributing, functional members of society. With our understanding that the parents are often the most influential people in a child's life (at least until the time they start watching BET), we make the very conscious effort to watch our language in the company of young children, hoping not to create in their minds the idea that using such otherwise forbidden words is ok, namely because you don't want to be embarrassed when you're out with company and your frustrated child says "FUCK!" at the top of his lungs.

...aaaaaaawkwaaaaaaaaard!

So, of course, when this does happpen, you reprimand your child (also known as "beat that ass") and educate them that there are certain words that are inappropriate to say, such as curse words.

Would you want your child to say the N-word in front of company? Most of you would answer "no." The natural follow-up question then is: Why would you use the word if you didn't want your children to? Anyone with children or younger siblings will tell you that children are masterful imitators of what they see and hear and not always what they are told. The point inherent in your avoidance in using the term in their presence is, obviously, that the term is bad and shouldn't be used. If you wouldn't want your offspring, your physical, living legacies to use a word that has such a connotation that they could be punished for merely uttering such in your presence, why on earth would you use it yourself? Would you smoke in front of your children and tell them not to? Get drunk in front of them and say don't drink? I can't speak for you all, but I duckin HATED it when my parents would tell me not to do something and then do it right in front of me. It made me wonder what the hell was so special about them that I couldn't use the word if I wanted to.

Speaking of being jealous that you can't use a word...

2) Should we be mad when White - or any other - people use the word?

Now, there's sooooo much that can be said in response to this question, so I won't be able to touch on it all. But it's yet another damned good question that should be answered. Should you be upset with Randolph lets the word "nigger" slip from his lips in regards to the dancing buffoon with sagging jeans and a Lebron James jersey on who bumps into him while dancing on the subway? I mean, were YOU thinking "That n____ over there dancing on the subway with a jersey on is a n____"? So why be upset when they use it, especially if you're inclined to agree?

Oh... I see. You want to know why White people feel this need to use the word to begin with. Gotcha
I will admit. It is rather funny to hear [some] white people complain about how they aren't "allowed" to use this word. You've enslaved several races and oppressed them beyond imagination and have a hand in every profitable thing in existence and are the leaders and owners and designers of just about everything around us... but you pitch a fit about being unable to have a little "nigger" in the morning with your coffee and your New York Times, ha? Interesting.

All silliness aside, it's no wonder others want to use it. Just like every other taboo or unhealthy practice you can think of, when you've been told you shouldn't do something, human nature is just designed in a way to make you want to do it even more and get an even bigger rush from doing it. Don't act like it's a brand new phenomenon. Whether it was sneaking out your house, or talking on the phone after 11pm, or taking a sip of beer or wine or bourbon from your dad's bottle in the fridge when you were 16 or 17 without his knowing, or, hell, we can go back to GENESIS where that gotdamn woman ate off that gotdamn tree that she KNEW she wasn't supposed to and got this whole ball of Hell rolling, people LOVE doing what they're told they shouldn't. Why should White people be the exception? You want to ensure something is done? Tell someone they can't do it and follow up "Why not?" with some poorly conceived explanation about owning Blackness and whatever whatever, since we've already established it was a bad word anyway...

3) Should the N-word still have so much power?

I hear this question a lot. And I think it's kinda stupid to debate, personally, but I'm sure someone will want to so I'm including it on the list.

Debating words meanings are pointless because the significance of EVERY word is decided upon by the people and forever holds its given power. The word "love" is just that as well - a word. But what makes "love" significant isn't the four letters in said sequence but the idea that the word represents. The same applies for "nigger." And whether you want to admit it or not, you know what the word "nigger" implies. You just don't want to accept it. And that's where the failure is. Besides, if we begin to remove the meaning from one word, what's to stop us from removing the meaning from other words? Or hell, from all words? I mean, as a man, that'd be great because then we'd be justified in not paying attention to whatever women say since nothing from their mouths would have meaning.

Damn... That's a good idea!

Final Thought:

I'll leave you with a story and a quote that came to mind when I heard this debate initially.

In her conversation with Dave Chappelle regarding the use of "the n-word," Dr. Maya Angelou offered him this thought:

"I perceive that a word is a thing. It is nonvisible and audible only for the time that it's there. It hangs in the air. But I believe it goes into the upholstery and into the rugs and into my hair, into my clothes, and finally even into my body. I look at the word, the 'n-word,' which I really have no oblige to call it that, because it was created to divest people of their humanity. Now when I see a bottle come from the pharmacy, it says p-o-i-s-o-n. And then there's skull and bones. Then I know that the content of that thing - the bottle is nothing - but the content is poison. If I pour that content into Bavarian crystal... it is still poison."

Richard Pryor, while in New Orleans, explains a night in Africa where something, "a voice" he called it, got him to change his mind on the use of the N-word. I'd type out the text, but I really think it has more power if you hear him and see the seriousness in his face and in his voice:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rThK85uXFMw

Two people with two very different outlooks on life - and language, for sure - came to the same conclusion on the word's usage - that it SHOULDN'T be used by anyone. Hell, even Paul Mooney, who claimed he used to say "nigger" 50 times each morning to keep his teeth white, has stopped using the term in light of Kramer's blast a few years back. And I'm inclined to agree with them all. Fact is, the mirror is often a painful reminder of how far we all have to go as a people and as conscientious adults, and the use of the n-word by whites is a constant reminder that, basically, many of us are still messin up. I'm not mad at Dr. Laura. She's human, just like the rest of us, and she wants to fulfill that urge to tap into the taboo like anyone else would. The bottom line: No matter how it's packaged, no matter who says it, "nigger" and its dressed up derivatives is still a very ugly, dangerous word. And for good reason, given its origin. It's best left alone. Don't try to justify it. Don't try to dress it up. Just... don't. It's better in the end.

And when you see that Black person again on the subway, or in the street, or wherever they are, doing something that brings the N-word to the tip of your tongue, why not just call them what they are?

Ignorant.

Female Friends, Friends “by Default,” and Healing A [Woman’s] Broken Heart

There are two questions that women often ask men that always make me laugh whenever I’m close enough to hear it being posed:

(1) Do you have a girlfriend?

(2) Who is (insert unknown woman’s name)?

I won’t be addressing the former at this time (although the responses I’ve heard to it are HI-LARIOUS!). Instead, I will focus on the latter question and some of the underlying issues posed both directly and indirectly.

In my experience, the question of identification occurs most often when a woman who is already fairly interested in you is uncertain of some particular woman about whom I had not spoken (else she obviously wouldn’t have to ask). What I find even more particularly interesting is the set of answers that I and other men have come up with to answer this question.

“Oh, that’s my homegirl.”

How many of you gentlemen have said such? How many of you ladies have heard such from a gentleman? Well, if you have, then you should inquire much more about said interaction. In a past conversation, a young lady pointed out to me that men tend to use the term “home girl” to describe a woman with whom they are seemingly plutonic friends BUT have either (a) already had sex or (b) have tried to have sex but it fell through for some reason they don’t likely want to discuss readily. In analyzing the usage of the term in my own life, I’d have to say that ish was pretty damn accurate. The home girl is often the “friend” that probably could have or should have been the significant other but ultimately wasn’t for some reason that likely has a rather elaborate story that may just lead you to question the boundaries of that friendship, especially if they still talk or hangout alone.

“Oh, she’s like my little sister.”

Ok, so I have several “little sisters” but they’re all legit. One is my blood sister, whom I love muy mucho. The others are the sisters of my ace boon coons whom I have adopted as my own as well (although there is one in particular that I adopted begrudgingly because she’s pretty gotdamn fine…and I’m sure it’s not hard to figure out if you know my MC circle).  Beyond that, I don’t find too many other situations where “little sister” is someone safe from getting smashed. “Little sister” is, as the adjective suggests, often someone younger for whom they may provide “brotherly” services, such as school tips, life guidance, and the occasional trip to the liquor store if they’re underaged. The problem with this title is that most guys are extremely shallow, likely much more effed up than most ladies could ever conceive. We’re not going to adopt some Aflac-ass geezer as family. Hell naw. We’re adopting the sexy ass younger chicks as “little sisters” with hopes of either getting with their young friends or even being incestuous and getting with little sister ourselves.

This is the deal. Handle accordingly.

“Oh, we’re just friends.”

I can’t speak on this too specifically because it’s just plain too broad. You need to ask more follow-up questions to get a more detailed history. Chances are, she’ll either be a REAL friend who he hasn’t tried to smash or she’ll fit into one of the other two categories, which have already been addressed.

Since I am writing my stream of thoughts, I feel it necessary to share with you all a thought that’s really been running around in my mind pretty frequently as of late. If you’ve read any significant amount of my works, you know quite well that I’m a VERY pensive person, analyzing and dissecting every word, thought, event as though it’s a piece of evidence in a forensic lab. The notion I’ve really had trouble explaining and accepting as it stands is the notion of “friends…by default.”

Say I meet person A at revisit 2007. I make some sly remarks, pour her a few drinks, dance with her all night at the club in a very suggestive manner, take her out to eat and whatnot during the fall… basically court her for some extended period of time, after which (for whatever reason) we ultimately do NOT enter a relationship together but still choose to interact with each other socially. Seeing as how we already likely have some intimate knowledge of each other and have developed some repoire, it wouldn’t be so far-fetched for most to consider us “friends.”

…but that’s not the job I wanted. I wanted to be that guy; I wanted to be HER guy. And I’m not. I am the relationship equivalent of Hillary Clinton and am what many may consider the next best thing – the friend by default. And we move along with our lives amicably, for the most part, still interacting in some socially acceptable manner and chit chatting like we are and have always been “just cool” knowing well, in the back of one or both of our minds, that we are in a suboptimal place in this two person dynamic.

The part of this that gives me pause is a question of motive:  If we become good friends, is it truly because we both want to be good friends or is it because one of us is hoping to be that penis/vagina in a glass case that will be broken in the event of an emergency? Can she really trust me with all her deep, dark secrets if I’m covertly trying to creep my way into her heart? These questions are rhetorical to me. In this case, I’m simply playing my role, buying my time until the opportunity arises where I can get that promotion and become Head of State.

…but I’m a guy. And guys are more prone to doing that. Women? …not so much.

Having spent so much time as a single man over the past 3 years, I’ve had lots of female “friends” come in and out of my life, quite a few of whom I’d actually grown rather close to and made some connections I sincerely thought would last a lifetime. However, last year, I lost a good, oh, 6 or 7 of those friendships when I very publicly announced that I was in a relationship with someone other than any of them.

Now why would that be?

While most of you could very likely formulate several reasons for this, the one that seems most likely (and was the case upon further evaluation) was that ALL of them wanted to be the Mrs. They wanted the title that mattered.

My first instinct was to be flattered that so many really thought so highly of me that they turned down the advances of so many other men in hopes that I would “put a ring on it” (hate that duckin song, btw). My next thought wasn’t quite as happy:  How much of our interactions in the past were influenced by her desire to be with me? Was she really playing Guitar Hero because she loved to play or was it to appear cool in my eyes? Was she watching football because she loved the sport or was it to win favor with me? Sure, these things appear harmless to some, but to me they smell of insincerity and illusion. Since much of why we enter into a particular relationship is based on what we’ve experienced and gauged for ourselves as worthy of commitment, the possibility that I was interacting with and in some cases loving someone’s representative for long periods of time has the latent effect of making me very untrusting of women who seem “too perfect.” And what happens every time we try to generalize in our dealings with potential significant others? We miss out on the great ones.

Speaking of missing out on great ones, it really breaks my heart to see really good women go bad or sour because of a messed up relationship from their past. They gave their all to the wrong guy and now they’re pissed at anything with a penis. And while the part of me that’s all about self preservation is understanding of this, there’s another part of me that’s experienced enough to note that men with a good and ready heart often sense this in women and run to their aid, often offering their own love and service in not only getting this woman back onto her emotional feet but also in helping her to run faster and longer than she did before in a relationship that will help her grow and become a better woman than she was before. Instead, these men often receive the cold shoulder and are dissed as just another man “running game” or their used as shoulders on which to cry and express their anguish but are passed over for yet another guy with bad intentions.

Explain this one to me, ladies.

If you’re sitting alone at night, wondering why no one wants you or why all the men who approach you aren’t shit, take a second to pause and establish those who are in your life and their capacity. If there’s a guy who’s always been there, who’s given you that shoulder to cry on, to listen to your rants about all the ducked up things men have done to you in your past, to take you out to eat or to the movies when you don’t want to go alone, take a page out of the men’s book and be logical about that friendship and ask yourself “Why not him?” The man you’ve always wanted may have already been there, just waiting for you to give him the chance.

Yes. He was your friend “by default.”