The Rattle Snake's Bite (Archived March 2001)

Hey Yo,
As the third month of 2001 comes to an end, let the Resident Cynic convey his definition of March Madness.

Now I know what you all are thinking, here comes Fountain and his annual shpeel about somebody cheating Carolina out of the title...WELL YOUR DAMN RIGHT! What the hell, fucking Penn State? Shouldn't that campus be more concerned with making sure Paterno is properly hooked up to his dialysis machine than winning basketball games? Oh well, to hell with it. You know, at some point (probably when I got older than the bastards I was rooting for), I stopped caring as much. That means there were no slammed doors, kicked tables or profanity-laced tirades this year. Fuck it, as long as I don't have to watch Mateen Cleaves do that stupid dance and hear Billy Packer call him the best player in Michigan State history, I can deal. Hell, I may even watch the game this year.

Moving on to a more somber note, our beloved President, Freddy "Big Daddy" Humphries is resigning as the eighth President of our esteemed undergraduate institution. (Hee Hee). WARNING: If you feel strongly on this matter:,
1) kiss my ass,
2) move on to the next paragraph,
3) print out this e-mail, turn it sideways and stick it straight up your candy-ass.
Well, old Hump is moving on. Damn, and I never did see that Wal-Mart commercial with him in it. Oh well, there's always the myth. My thing is this, wha' happent? You mean to tell me after God knows how many years of slurred speech and public drunkeness, this big red bastard is leaving? Well the memories are endless. Who could ever forget Hump's inebriated capitulation of the Rattler Strike, Strike and Strike again? (When the dark clouds circle and the Rattler is caught in the rain without an umbrella, when the Rattler receives the pink notice from Centel, when the Rattler's drivers licsense is suspended for DUI...Uh Oh). I tell you, that damn Rattler received more personalization than a mixed drink at an open bar..Uh Oh. Granted, I'm not there anymore (and am never going back) the place won't be the same without Big Red. As far as I'm concerned FAMU stood for Freddy's an Alcoholic and a Motherfucker University. Happy Trails, Hump. But dammit, if I here rumors of Bigfoot lurking in the Panhandle, it's gonna be somebody's ass!

Moving on, March is also the last month before all law students fall into the irritable state known as Finals Phobia. FP is characterized by states of manic depression, mood swings, exorbant paranoia and is the #1 cause of missing to Kappa Luau because you have a Contracts Final the following Monday. You see, even if The Arrogant One wanted to grace Leon County one more time, it's a no-go. For those in attendance, remember only in moderation and when the police aren't looking (I'm talking about grabbing asses). By the way, if the Artist Formally Known As Craig Collins shows up, somebody snatch that straw hat off his head and send his ass home...please.

One good thing about this shitty month is that the old Rattlesnake locked down another pretense for employment. Yours truly is the newest summer associate at Varnum, Riddering, Schmidt and Howlett, located in lovely Grand Rapids, Michigan. Next year my ass will make sure to apply early. But in the meanwhile, I'll take that 13 a week. I'm currently in deliberation as to tell the locals that I know one Mr. Mitchell Hopson. They don't have lynch mobs anymore, do they?

The last notable concerning March's astounding shittiness is the recent blow to affirmative action that my prestigous law school suffered. Like I told somebody else, "Fuck it, I'm in". Now that's probably not the most supportive attitude to have, but "Fuck it, I'm in". Besides, you all have known me for years, what did you expect, some sorrow and dismay? What a load of crap! Don't preach your morality to me, Eric Fountain doesn't have any compassion. You want mercy, take your ass to church!

And that's the bottom line 'cause Fountain damn well said so.

"Who's a greedy bastard? (You are) Why? (You just had a big breakfast) You got some french fries, this nigga got an ice cream cone and this nigga ate a whole thing of peanuts in 3 seconds."
Jamal Jackson in his infamous rhetort to Rico's characterization, circa Mardi Gras 2000.