That's All I Have To Say About That (Archived July 2001)

With the coming and going of the CFA (by the way I passed that bitch so all the hell and heartache was worth it, well at least until I have to go through it again next year) and after almost a month to reflect on the boys trip to the Dirty South for the Essence Fest I felt the need to let out some of my thoughts. This may be a little lengthy so feel free to read it in installments.

1.) First off lets talk about Mariah- Is anyone tired of seeing her ass in videos. You know I don't know about everyone else but I remember this nice girl who used to sing songs like Emotions and have kids in her videos. I don't know who this new girl is but there sure as hell ain't no damn kids in her videos. I mean damn can the shorts be any tighter, no really I want to see both cheeks, and forget about leaving it up to the imagination, I don't have to imagine anything because I can see it all. You know for all those artists looking to do a fat video and higher some skanky no cloths wearing video girls just do a colabo with Mariah and kill two birds with one stone.

2.) Congressional Interns-Ok so this Chandra Levy chick is missing and we've got the entire police force looking in the parks for her dead body because here mom and dad are releasing videos of here like they are Blockbuster. First off if you are going to commit a crime in DC do it now while the cops are busy. Second off I bet there are over 100 people missing in DC alone and you don't see the cops combing the park for these other milk box candidates. But really here is the important things that troubles me about this situation. Why are all Washington interns ugly? I mean first Monica and now Chandra (I don't know about everybody else but I'm not risking my career for these two beauty queens). I mean what kind of application do you have to fill out to become an intern in D.C. Can you give quality head? When you go to work what type of underwear do you prefer (bloomers, g-string, non at all)? Lastly knowing that our faithful leaders are willing to put in extra work and stay late hours just to make the constituents (or constituent as the case may be) happy makes me feel at total ease with the political system in the United States.

3.) The Gold Club-Apparently in Atlanta there is a strip club that prominent athletes used to frequent and on some occasions receive sexual favors from the strippers (imagine that) free of charge. Apparently, the sex was subsidized and supported by the owner (now that is something that I have never heard of) who was looking to improve his client base. Now I know about this because the prosecution is trying to prove a racketeering (does anyone know what that means) charge against the owner based on the fact that he laundered money and apparently paid strippers to have sex with athletes. First off why do the athletes even have to testify I mean they didn't committee a crime so basically this trial must be my chance to see how athletes really live and apparently they are doing ok. Example number one Patric Ewing apparently went to the club on one particular night and receive oral sex in a back room from two of the strippers however when they offered to come back to his hotel he declined (strong man seeing as how he is married and all). Example number two Andruw Jones (Atlanta braves outfielder) attended a party held by the owner of the club where apparently two women were participating in "lesbian action" and apparently he joined in while the other party attendees watched. When asked by the prosecutors if he thought this was strange he said and I quote "I just know it was a party and there were girls there". All I have to say is "Wow so that is how it is on a regular basis". I blame my parent for my shortcomings in the athletic arena and my inability to become a pro athlete. I really don't have anything else to say about this.

Questions/observations:
1.) Why the hell did the T-Wolves resign Joe Smith even after he caused them to get the equivalent of the NBA death penalty? Last time I checked Joe Smith sucked.
2.) Todd MacCulloch continues to prove that if you are tall and white there is a place for you in the NBA. He also proves that if you multiply your stats on a per minute basis anyone can be a fucking all-star.
3.) Why the hell is J-lo fucking with my heart looking so good in her new video?
4.) Deion thanks for saving us from the torture of seeing you coon for another football season. Now if you would only give up on the baseball shit.

Quotes from the NO
1.) A discussion about clothing "I don't know what happens to my shirts they must shrink or something."
2.) Yet another discussion about clothing " What's up with the Pink shirt"
3.) You must always understand who wears the pants and who will refuse to take them off if you don't act right, " Uh Gran can you come here for a second"
4.) You must always understand who wears the pants and who will refuse to take them off if you don't act right II " Uh Arisha this is my girlfriend ......."
5.) The orange and green is every where even at the House of Blues "FAMU, FAMU, FAM God Damn U"
6.) Some brothers will go down with the ship even when they know that the ship is going down "What's up man, Yo we heard that you said the party was wack and that we had Bison (noun: big girls) running through there but it got better, it got better."
7.) When asked about bachelor status by an un-wanted heavy weight admirer the proper reply should be "What's up with me and Julie, shit what's up with you and sandwiches."
8.) I though fat was supposed to keep you warm in the cold "Could you turn down the A.C." the reply "That's not going to happen" the follow up question "Can I at least get some covers" the reply "No"........boy I tell you some brothers just have no respect.
9.) Famous last word "Hey Mitch Tene and Melissa are downstairs make sure you don't open the door" we all know that the warning was not headed and consequently we were forced to endure the torture that is Tene, Melissa and the I Love Sandwiches girl.
10.) A brother who just can't under stand how his boys just dropped the ball "So what you're saying is that the girl came back and you just let her leave?"
11.) A brother who has just come to the realization that he was terribly wrong (see number 10.) "Man if I would have known that her girl looked like that I would have let them stay."
12.) Golfing would be a lot easier if they didn't put so many obstacles on the course "Damn I hit another tree."
13.) A beaten down man looking for help "I just need a par 3 so that I can get my confidence back" it is unfortunate but even that didn't help.
14.) Those who can't pace themselves will suffer the consequences "All I know is that I spent about an hour in the bathroom of the club and I missed the fight."
15.) Even a nice party can turn into a battle royal " Oh shit she just threw that bottle at her." 16.) One brother to another " all I know is that I said that nigga had on tight pants and I get the evil eye, even his girl laughed because that nigga did have on some tight pants."

Last but not least a few observations from the NO:
1.) belt loops are going out of style and that is a good thing
2.) J.R. Ryder isn't afraid to throw a beat down on his girl in a hotel lobby
3.) John Singleton is a dumb ass
4.) Tyrone (his mamma calls him Ty-Ron Rico calls him Tyrone and Jamal calls him a week ass bitch) Lue (after playing defense against Allen for all of a quarter) now has a posse.
5.) Judging by the long line of women at his party (conservative girl to guy ratio of 12 to 1) apparently people forgot Magic has Aids.
6.) Last but not least the boys had a great time and will continue to do so in the future. And that's all I have to say about that.

The Rattlesnake's Bite (Archived 2001)

Damn right! It's your, the E-Wicked, hollering from the plush law offices in Western Michigan. Since a few of my former roommates have decided the blast the cyberworld with their takes on society, let ol' Fountain have a crack at it too.

Roll call...
1. BOBBY 'GHETTO BLASTER' BROWN. Tate, you mean to tell me this ashy sumbitch is in a movie now? What, did COPS strike a motion picture deal with Paramount or something? Jesus Christ, just what we need, this ignorant, toothy bastard on the big screen portraying a 'brother'. Well unless I've missed out on a few euphemisms (yeah J-Daddy, Austin's got a vocab too) for us, brother does not equate to that fucking animal, Bobby Brown. He is almost of Tyson-like savagry, and Larry Phillips stupidity. Need I remind y'all that this is the same nimrod that ripped a dude's earring slap out of his ear while at Disney World. Yeah, I always get violent after riding It's A Small World too. Fucking grown-ass Bebe's Kid. If you listen to Bobby's weed-smoking, weave-wearing wife, maybe Ghetto Blaster should star in his own movie be called 'The Original King of R&B'. What is that shit about and why does the bitch keep saying it? Unless R&B stands for 'recivitsm and bail' I don't want to hear. I'm sick of this shit. I want to see a Texas-Death/Fatal Fourway/Barb Wire/Loser Leave Town Match/No DQ with Ghetto Blaster, Crazy Larry (not Frieder) Phillips, Tyson the Cannibal and Puffy. I don't give a shit who wins, but the winner can have the honor of being the posterboy for Supathug 2001. What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what.

2. MICHAEL JACKSON. Now this ain't about Mike groping some little white boy's. Personally, I don't believe that shit. What it is about is Mike losing his goddamn mind. How many of y'all saw Mike posing (B-Boy style, if you listen to that idiot Sway on MTV) with Jay-Z at some award show. Mike is running his ass around talking about, "You ain't see nothing yet. " Bullshit, Mike. I've seen plenty. I've seen you turn into the real-life Chameleon. Somebody ought to cast his ass in the Spiderman movie. Thanks to shitty-ass Pepsi, I've seen your hair catch on fire (Hee Hee). I've seen Thriller get surpassed as the best selling album of all-time (The Eagles). And I've seen you crying like somebody after a Roy Firestone interview about the police coming and taking pictures of your body. Shit, don't cry. Drop your draws and let 'em see your little shrivled up, polka-dot wee-wee. Back to this Jay-Z shit though, I'm Mike comes out Hammer-style with some 'Pumps and a Bump' crap with a damn skully and some Pelle Pelle jeans, I'm whipping somebody's ass.

3. NBA RUN-DOWN. Kobe just spent 13.5 M on a house for he and his Betty, Jane, Katey, Rebecca, Sarah (Uh oh!) whatever her name is wife. I've heard this shit has a water-slide and some type of small roller coaster, amongst other amenities. Sounds like an amusement park to me. Better not invite Ghetto Blaster over. So Kobe has another ring. Well, I don't like the shit either, but goddammit I'm about to get used to it. This shit is going to continue as long as Shaq maintains the ability to karate-chop Kobe's ass and knock him out of the Black Hole syndrome. You know, ball goes in, doesn't come out. You think teams would be trying to conspire to do something, but no. We get fucking Stephon 'Fishmouth' Marbury and Jason 'Beat Her Down' Kidd traded for one another. Who gives a shit? That won't help. Forget about New Jersey. Phoenix has NEVER played defense. Not Kevin 'My Fade Is Always Tight' Johnson, not Barkley, not Hornacek and not the Wonder Twins, Dan Majerle and Tom Chambers. (They're the Wonder Twins because people always wondered how two white boys could dunk like brothers). If Macy Webber and Gary Payton don't go to the same team, cancel Christmas and give the Lakers a 3-peat. Now I usually don't say shit against Jordan. But I tell you what, he better have Barkley or Magic or some-damn-body, because he ain't winning shit with Kwame Brown. David Stern has to be pissed. 5 high school bastards in the first round, 4 of the top 8. Fuck it, if I could I would have jumped too. But that doesn't mean these bastards have earned shit. Fuck 'em. Taking the fuckers that high doesn't make sense, especially when they all play in the post. It'll be four long years (and Laker champsionships) before Eddy Curry or Tyson Chandler is ready to step on the court with Shaq Daddy. Fuck trying to beat him. My pick is Battier. This fucking Klingon has long irrated me by kicking Carolina's ass since he left Detroit's Country Day High. Certainly, he can cause chaos in the shittiest draft since 1986. Yeah 86, Chris Washburn, Len Bias, Roy Tarpley, William Bedford, them motherfuckers. Talent, Trouble and Tragedy my ass. Shitty, Shitty and More Shitty.

4. HOUSEKEEPING. It goes without saying that this will be the most fun had in New Orleans since Ricky Williams wore that fucking wedding dress. My man the DRS has come under fire lately, but let me say that there's a difference in fumbling and choosing not to score (or even running 25 yards around for a 3 yard touchdown). I'm with J-Daddy, I'm being an opportunist and plan to re-enact the infamous Fountain No-Huddle Offense (Alumni of M1407 know what I'm talking about). Never mind the consequences, I was fucking locked up in Ann Arbor, slaving away since August. Time to have some fun. Some real "lay down in the grass and look at the stars" fun. Some "jump on top of a wet Honda trying to prove a point" fun. Some "call a girl a bitch cause she won't dance with you" fun. Some "I don't know my name, but I can mutlipy" fun. Regarding the above jokes, the names have been left off to protect the innocent...or drunken, but you all know who you are. Time to get it on. And that's the bottom line cause I damn well said so!