The Rattlesnake's Bite (Archived 2001)

Damn right! It's your, the E-Wicked, hollering from the plush law offices in Western Michigan. Since a few of my former roommates have decided the blast the cyberworld with their takes on society, let ol' Fountain have a crack at it too.

Roll call...
1. BOBBY 'GHETTO BLASTER' BROWN. Tate, you mean to tell me this ashy sumbitch is in a movie now? What, did COPS strike a motion picture deal with Paramount or something? Jesus Christ, just what we need, this ignorant, toothy bastard on the big screen portraying a 'brother'. Well unless I've missed out on a few euphemisms (yeah J-Daddy, Austin's got a vocab too) for us, brother does not equate to that fucking animal, Bobby Brown. He is almost of Tyson-like savagry, and Larry Phillips stupidity. Need I remind y'all that this is the same nimrod that ripped a dude's earring slap out of his ear while at Disney World. Yeah, I always get violent after riding It's A Small World too. Fucking grown-ass Bebe's Kid. If you listen to Bobby's weed-smoking, weave-wearing wife, maybe Ghetto Blaster should star in his own movie be called 'The Original King of R&B'. What is that shit about and why does the bitch keep saying it? Unless R&B stands for 'recivitsm and bail' I don't want to hear. I'm sick of this shit. I want to see a Texas-Death/Fatal Fourway/Barb Wire/Loser Leave Town Match/No DQ with Ghetto Blaster, Crazy Larry (not Frieder) Phillips, Tyson the Cannibal and Puffy. I don't give a shit who wins, but the winner can have the honor of being the posterboy for Supathug 2001. What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what.

2. MICHAEL JACKSON. Now this ain't about Mike groping some little white boy's. Personally, I don't believe that shit. What it is about is Mike losing his goddamn mind. How many of y'all saw Mike posing (B-Boy style, if you listen to that idiot Sway on MTV) with Jay-Z at some award show. Mike is running his ass around talking about, "You ain't see nothing yet. " Bullshit, Mike. I've seen plenty. I've seen you turn into the real-life Chameleon. Somebody ought to cast his ass in the Spiderman movie. Thanks to shitty-ass Pepsi, I've seen your hair catch on fire (Hee Hee). I've seen Thriller get surpassed as the best selling album of all-time (The Eagles). And I've seen you crying like somebody after a Roy Firestone interview about the police coming and taking pictures of your body. Shit, don't cry. Drop your draws and let 'em see your little shrivled up, polka-dot wee-wee. Back to this Jay-Z shit though, I'm Mike comes out Hammer-style with some 'Pumps and a Bump' crap with a damn skully and some Pelle Pelle jeans, I'm whipping somebody's ass.

3. NBA RUN-DOWN. Kobe just spent 13.5 M on a house for he and his Betty, Jane, Katey, Rebecca, Sarah (Uh oh!) whatever her name is wife. I've heard this shit has a water-slide and some type of small roller coaster, amongst other amenities. Sounds like an amusement park to me. Better not invite Ghetto Blaster over. So Kobe has another ring. Well, I don't like the shit either, but goddammit I'm about to get used to it. This shit is going to continue as long as Shaq maintains the ability to karate-chop Kobe's ass and knock him out of the Black Hole syndrome. You know, ball goes in, doesn't come out. You think teams would be trying to conspire to do something, but no. We get fucking Stephon 'Fishmouth' Marbury and Jason 'Beat Her Down' Kidd traded for one another. Who gives a shit? That won't help. Forget about New Jersey. Phoenix has NEVER played defense. Not Kevin 'My Fade Is Always Tight' Johnson, not Barkley, not Hornacek and not the Wonder Twins, Dan Majerle and Tom Chambers. (They're the Wonder Twins because people always wondered how two white boys could dunk like brothers). If Macy Webber and Gary Payton don't go to the same team, cancel Christmas and give the Lakers a 3-peat. Now I usually don't say shit against Jordan. But I tell you what, he better have Barkley or Magic or some-damn-body, because he ain't winning shit with Kwame Brown. David Stern has to be pissed. 5 high school bastards in the first round, 4 of the top 8. Fuck it, if I could I would have jumped too. But that doesn't mean these bastards have earned shit. Fuck 'em. Taking the fuckers that high doesn't make sense, especially when they all play in the post. It'll be four long years (and Laker champsionships) before Eddy Curry or Tyson Chandler is ready to step on the court with Shaq Daddy. Fuck trying to beat him. My pick is Battier. This fucking Klingon has long irrated me by kicking Carolina's ass since he left Detroit's Country Day High. Certainly, he can cause chaos in the shittiest draft since 1986. Yeah 86, Chris Washburn, Len Bias, Roy Tarpley, William Bedford, them motherfuckers. Talent, Trouble and Tragedy my ass. Shitty, Shitty and More Shitty.

4. HOUSEKEEPING. It goes without saying that this will be the most fun had in New Orleans since Ricky Williams wore that fucking wedding dress. My man the DRS has come under fire lately, but let me say that there's a difference in fumbling and choosing not to score (or even running 25 yards around for a 3 yard touchdown). I'm with J-Daddy, I'm being an opportunist and plan to re-enact the infamous Fountain No-Huddle Offense (Alumni of M1407 know what I'm talking about). Never mind the consequences, I was fucking locked up in Ann Arbor, slaving away since August. Time to have some fun. Some real "lay down in the grass and look at the stars" fun. Some "jump on top of a wet Honda trying to prove a point" fun. Some "call a girl a bitch cause she won't dance with you" fun. Some "I don't know my name, but I can mutlipy" fun. Regarding the above jokes, the names have been left off to protect the innocent...or drunken, but you all know who you are. Time to get it on. And that's the bottom line cause I damn well said so!