The Air Up Here, Vol. III - "The Big Lie" Edition

To the millions and millions of my adoring fans,

Okay, so it's been a while since I laced you that commentary that you've been clamoring for. However, if you noticed in the last edition I said it wouldn't take me four months to put it out. It took six and I apologize. However, your boy has been through a lot personal and professional turmoil and when you couple this with my writing process it forms the perfect storm for that dreaded "P" word: procrastination.

Every year I like to change up the column to keep it fresh for me, and hopefully not bore you all with my 5000 word essays, masquerading as friendly emails. This year, since it seems like August is the beginning of my writing year, I'm going to do a series of articles focusing on topics that no one tells the truth about: Race, Business, and Politics. Remember what Dave Chapelle said about politics, "[Everyone] knows who they are voting for but they won't tell you." They'll tell you things like, "I had a three-way with my wife last night", but if the conversation turns to whom they are voting for "Hey, that's personal." The same thing happens with race matters. Oh, amongst our own ethnic groups or amongst a group that we feel some kinship with, such as blacks and Latinos, you would be surprised by the bluntness of the conversations. However, in mixed company everyone does the "PC" thing and I'm not talking about those black boxes made by Dell. Now don't get me wrong, if being PC prevents you from acting like a jackass, then by all means keep it up. Everyone knows there are far too many jackasses running around out there under the guise of "keeping it real." What I'm saying is that at some point meaningful discussions on difficult topics must be had. Since most individuals are too scared to start the conversation for fear of being a lightening rod for controversy, I'll do it. After all, you all know I never miss an opportunity to get my shine on even it comes back to bite me in the end.

By now you know the drill, you probably will want to print this out or read a little bit at a time throughout the day because it is quite extensive. What would you expect? I have been gone for six months :-)

1. WE'VE BEEN HAD. One of my favorite songs is by the Seattle/NYC-based rock band, The Walkmen. Their song "We've Been Had" is the theme music for a Saturn car commercial (how is that for irony?). But I'm not here to reprimand the auto industry; I'll do that at another date. No, I'm here to tell you, my loyal readers and the rest of the American public that you have been had. You have been played for fools. You have been made out to be patsies. You have been bamboozled, run amuck, and led astray (still a shame that Denzel didn't win an Oscar for Malcolm X). The news media, your elected officials, your government and yes even that guy occupying The Oval Office think that you are “booty”, not that pirate stuff either. That's right, straight derrière I said. Why? Because they keep pulling the wool over your eyes and the majority of the public not only takes it, but also willingly castigates anyone that has a dissenting viewpoint. You know where I'm going with this: the war on Iraq.

Now before you flag waving, Bill O'Reilly watching, Ann Coulter book buying, gun-rack-in-the-pickup having, Ronald Reagan worshipping neo-cons try to question my patriotism; let it be known that I have no love for the "Butcher from Baghdad." He's gone, kind-of sort-of, and that's most definitely a good thing; but the question remains: WTF are we really doing in Iraq? It's amazing how the bar continues to get moved as for our reasons for going to war. For those of you all not keeping up with the changing stories let me recap. First, it was because of Iraq's connection to terrorism. You know how Saddam and bin Laden just love to sit on the beach, sip a few mai tais, and plot against the Americans; but that connection didn't quite pan out. Then it was because they had nuclear weapons. The government even trotted out trusty ole Colin Powell in front the UN with that one, but that story has also fallen by the wayside. Then the story was conventional WMDs, but that too is looking a little suspect. Then it was weapons programs. I have no doubt that programs will be found, but let's examine that a little closer. I have a stellar workout program, but it doesn't mean I'm utilizing it. Anyone that's seen me lately can attest to the fact that six-pack abs and massive muscles are not rippling all over my body. Don't get it twisted, I'm still sexy as ever, but I digress. Now I think the official story is that we liberated the country from some really, really, really, really, really, bad guys . . . Oh, and they were mean too.

All I'm saying is that if you are going to lie to me (and regardless of how this turns out, lies were told) then do it the right way. Do it with some confidence. Do it like Bill Clinton, when he got on national television and waved his finger and said, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman." Do it like those females that I have dated: lie with a straight face, a soothing voice, and oftentimes a kiss on the lips. Did this administration learn nothing from that early 20th Century dictator, who like that character from the Harry Potter books name will not be spoken in this column? If you are going to lie then do it big. Thus, where the phrase "The Big Lie" comes into play.Another thing that disturbs me about the Iraq situation is the new standard of preemptive intervention. It smacks just a little of schoolyard bully to me. What if we all applied this anti-"Golden Rule" principle to our lives; can you imagine what might happen? For example, based upon this new doctrine I am now serving notice to all that I feel empowered to deliver my own brand of street justice. Anyone who gives me the evil eye will be subject to the "one-hitter quitter." For those of you unfamiliar with the vernacular, that means knocked the "F" out. I mean it. If I think you're plottin', I'm a coming a knockin'. Okay, I am being facetious in my comments there, but think about the real world possibilities if all nations adopted this doctrine. There have been many reports that both Pakistan and India (who it seems since the dawn of time have been embroiled in dispute over the Kashmir region) are thinking about using this principle as justification for preemptive strikes on one another. Hey, if it's good enough for the U.S. then it's got to be okay, right? If I'm wrong about the things I've mentioned here I will come back and write a public apology to any that I may have offended, but don't count on it.

[A Quick Note: I can say almost to a certainty that Iraq had (past tense) WMDs, but that's partially because the U.S. gave them some of the weapons. For the over-25 crowd reading this, we can all remember in the early 80s when Iraq was our friend and Iran was our enemy. During this time both the U.S. and Saudi Arabia supported Iraq in an effort to depose the fundamentalist government of Iran.]

2. WHAT IS FAIR? I've been wrestling with myself for about the past year about writing on race issues as they pertain to the justice system, higher education, and interpersonal relationships; but something always held me back. I know I did that piece on the reporter that wanted to close HBCUs, the review of Pat Buchanan's book, and few other short pieces; but the majority of those pieces just hit around the real issues. The reason I held back is because, believe it or not, I try not to offend. However too many recent events have happened that shed light on the polarization of our society. Without any real discussion this polarization can only lead to more misunderstandings and violence. So I’ve stopped wrestling with myself and decided to discuss it. I'll address the Supreme Court's affirmative decision, the Kobe case, and some other shocking events I have uncovered during my research at a later date. But right now, I want to discuss an event that even almost nine years later still serves as a classic case study in race relations.The OJ case for good or bad was one of those seminal moments in American history that brought to light racial issues that everyone had been trying to pretend didn’t exist but had existed all along. Everyone wanted to pretend that race problem had been solved, that everyone saw people as people, etc. but even in the 1990s, the bottom line was that the race problem wasn’t even close to being solved. I have never seen white people more angry or black people more delighted. The question that we all must once again ask is, why? White people, what were you so upset about? Say what you want, but this is YOUR court system. A system brought over from England and tweaked in that most unique manner to make it “all-American”: tip the scales of justice in favor of the rich, the powerful, and dare I say it, the “white”. I only throw that last item in the list, because no one that looked like me had any hand in its creation. Don’t get mad; you know I’m right. Next, black people, what the hell were we so delighted about? OJ, a man whom by all accounts did as much as possible to distance himself from the black community, was found “not guilty.”

I can remember just coming back from lunch and heading to Mr. Grabowski's class. (How does Grabowski always seem to make his way into my commentary? You all are going to think he was some kind of guru the way my stories always revolve around his class.) Anyway, the verdict was announced and many of the black children were running up and down the halls yipping like banshees, while the white kids were breaking their knuckles punching lockers. To my Caucasian readership once again I ask, “Why the anger?” The man went to court. He was tried, albeit by a somewhat inept prosecution team, but tried nonetheless. Finally, he was found not guilty. The fact that he had the best legal team money could buy helped, but is not that the American way? I hear you talking now:

"But the evidence showed . . ."
"The jury was biased . . ."
"They weren't smart enough to discern the facts . . ."
"It's just not fair . . ."

You better find Justin Timberlake and cry him a river cause it doesn't matter. I'll spit a few cases right off the top of my head that were unfair: Emmitt Till, the Sixteenth Street Baptist Church bombing (commonly referred to as the "four little girls" case), Medgar Evers, and Dred Scott. I'm from Mississippi so if you want me to I could continue this list until the cows come home. Do you think that those cases were tried in front of impartial juries? I'm sure that Dred Scott looked up at those Supreme Court justices and thought something along the lines of Samuel L. Jackson's character in A Time To Kill, "Does this look like a jury [bench] of my peers?" And while these cases set the historical background, only window dressing changes have been made to the justice system. You want me to continue? I will bring you through the 70s, 80’s, 90’s, and right up to March of this year.

Example #1: Clifford Glover. He was a 10-year old boy from Queens that was shot in the head by a cop, after he had inquired if the officer was at his complex to lock someone up. The officer walked. (1973)

Example # 2: Michael Stewart. He was arrested for scribbling graffiti on a subway car. Thirty-two minutes after his arrest he was admitted to Bellevue Hospital with severe injuries all over his body and would die two weeks later of a “spinal cord injury in the upper neck.” Three cops were indicted, but none were convicted. (1983)

Example #3: Rodney King. I don’t even have to recap this story. His beating was captured on videotape and the cops got off. This event sparked the L.A. Riots. (1991/1992)

Example #4: Amaduo Diallo. The police fired 41 shots. I repeat, they fired 41 shots at this man while he was reaching for his brown wallet to show them some ID outside of his own apartment building. Do I even have to say again that the cops got off in this case? A lawyer for one of the officers said that Diallo’s neighborhood, Soundview, “[was] one of the most dangerous neighborhoods in New York City” and this was one of the reasons that could have led to the cops feeling threatened when Diallo reached for his wallet. Well, as some of you all know, when I lived in New York City I worked in the Bronx. I was in Soundview almost every week (holla at those cats at the Soundview Clinic, they know me). Although it’s not the best neighborhood, it is definitely not Beirut. I walked around without apprehension. And before you go saying, “Well, you’re black;” I ask you, “Do I really exude any aura of “street-cred?” Hello, I grew up in the ‘burbs. My people from New York correct me if I’m wrong, but when I worked Uptown, there was a mural on St. Nicolas Avenue or Amsterdam Avenue that had the faces of the cops from the Diallo case. The inscription above their pictures read something along the lines of “Innocent in their courts, but guilty in ours.” Although one can effectively argue that there are two sets of courts, “ours” unfortunately is not the one that counts. The Diallo case occurred in 1999 and the Justice Department in 2001 decided not to file federal charges against the officers.

Example #5: Marquise Hudspeth. On March 15, 2003 in Shreveport, LA police officers shot the 25-year old, Hudspeth, 8 times in the back as he was walking away. Let me repeat that in case it didn’t fully sink in the first time. Shot 8 times IN THE BACK, as he was WALKING AWAY. They claimed that they thought he was brandishing a weapon. This “lethal weapon” in question turned out to be a cell-phone. I thought the only way cell phones could get you killed was through brain-cancer, obviously I was wrong. After examining the videotape, (yes, like Rodney King, this too was captured on video) the police review board and District Attorney ruled that the shooting was justified and the cops were cleared of any wrongdoing. And yet you all want to know what black people are mad about all of the time. If you want to take a look and decide for yourself the police video for this shooting is provide on BET.com. Just follow this link: http://www.bet.com/articles/0,,c1gb6832-7635,00.html#. I must warn you that this is very graphic and disturbing material.

So my Caucasian brethren, did you break a knuckle or two punching the wall over those cases? Did you question the integrity of the justice system? Did you go on television and cry in Geraldo Rivera’s lap about the “race card?” I’d be willing to bet the answer in “No.” That is if you were even aware of the verdicts and the injustices that continue even in this day and age. However, for all of the white people who have asked me over the years, "Do black people really think that OJ is innocent?" I'm going to answer like this: A third if not higher think he did it. A third thinks he's innocent. The final third, and this is where many of the people I talk to fall, is still just amazed that a black man being accused of such a crime was found not guilty, even if it is OJ. They thought that innocent or guilty, he would rot in jail because that is what past and recent history teaches. Many within this third group were happy, that’s right, H-A-P-P-Y, when OJ was acquitted. Why, you ask? Because the frustration and injustice that whites felt and still feel over that case is what black people experience almost daily. Although it is painfully obvious that it has not helped much, many black people thought, “Well, maybe now that you’ve walked in our shoes for a few minutes real change will occur.” Sadly, as example #5 makes plain, nothing has changed.

All right, I'm sure that at least five or six of you all will not be speaking to me for the next few months, but it’s okay; I’ll holla at you during Christmas. With that said, let us move on to some lighter stuff.

MUSIC REVIEWS
Yes it's time for my music reviews, because you know you can't trust what those mainstream publications tell you about CDs. If you listened to them all of you would still be bumping Jay Z's last CD. I do not care what you say, his last one was certainly not a "Gift" and it made me want to "Curse;" but I’m drifting off on a tangent so let's get on with it.

1. The Colored Section by Donnie. "Criminally slept on" is a phrase that my brother and I like to toss around when discussing music. Basically it means that an artist's work is so great that it literally should be a crime that the label isn't pushing his or her work more and that general public isn't buying the album in droves. Donnie's album has been "criminally slept on." This Atlanta native is the cousin of the late Marvin Gaye, however on this album one might think he is channeling Stevie Wonder during his Original Musiquarium phase. Donnie doesn't sound like Stevie, but the style and subject matter of his songs is very reminiscent. The beats are experimental and unorthodox, but the messages are clear and powerful. After the intro, the first song "Beautiful Me" takes on the idea of what is beautiful as defined by American society. In what is one of the most powerful lines on the album he challenges the listener to take control of their on identity and not allow anyone to put a label on them. He states, "I'm not a n*gger / I'm a Negro / When I become a n*gger / I'll let you know." The song "People Person" deals with the dichotomous and sometimes hypocritical nature within all of us. In describing this drug dealer he says, "He'll slang [drugs] your way, [everyday] but the Sabbath Day." In going on to describe this very spiritual woman he states, "Get a drink in her hand and she'll curse you like a sailor man." My favorite song on the album is "Big Black Buck." This song borders on genius in its presentation. It starts off with circus music and the barker calling people to come and see the show. "The show", unfortunately, is life in the black community and how we keep ourselves subjugated with hyper-consumerism. He states "Mama's little baby is nothing but a consumer / Never making a profit, rendering empty pockets / Mama's little baby is trendy on the rumor / . . . making dough for the man / Whipping that big black buck again." The way he weaves modern spending with the old plantation system and its modern incarnation, known as Corporate America, is seamless. This is why the circus music provides the perfect backdrop for the song. Given the recent shenanigans of companies like Enron and WorldCom, it is a masterful comparison. Furthermore, the old circus used to have the "Freak Show" in which they would parade people onstage for the audience to gawk at and ridicule. This parallels the auction block used by slave traders in the early development of the nation. As I stated before, the song borders on genius in its intricacies and subtleties. After “Big Black Buck”, the album turns to the subject of love. "Turn Around" deals with the classic scenario: Boy and girl are friends. Boy likes girl. Girl likes other boy. Other boy is not feeling girl. If girl would just turn around she would see that all the love she needed was right behind her all of the time with original boy. "Rocketship" is my favorite of the love songs. It deals with trying to keep the love alive in a long distance relationship. Given that I've gotten on my share of planes and taken a few road trips trying to do the “L.D.” thing, I can relate. I like the chorus that goes, "I'm living to see your smile / Loving you from over 3000 miles away / And if you were on Saturn / I'd take a rocketship just to see you baby / You're the one." What can I say? It brings back memories. Anyway, quit being one of those drowsy people sleeping on this album and cop it today. It can be had for $8.99 (at least the last time I checked) at your local Best Buy, Circuit City or Target.

2. God's Son by Nas. I think that rap music has gone down the toilet. Get me an industrial-sized Kohler, toss the CDs in, and flush please. However, once or twice a year an album will come out that makes me remember why I fell in love with hip-hop in the first place and what a powerful medium that it can be (Oh my, I 'm sounding like one of those bad movie trailers for Brown Sugar). Most of you know the story with Nas, but in just in case you’ve been hanging out on Alpha Centauri, I’ll do a quick recap. After Jay-Z's "The Takeover" off of the original Blueprint (which by the way, was actually a great album) and his "Super Ugly" song on the mix-tape circuit that described Jay’s Herculean nocturnal activities with Nas' baby's mama, many people thought that Nas' career in rap was a wrap. Finished. Done. Someone find John Donne and have him tell Nas that “the bell tolls for thee." Nas took that public embarrassment and put out the very good album, Stillmatic, featuring his reply to Jay-Z called "Ether." That song ranks up there with Tupac's "Hit 'Em Up", which I still feel is the hardest “dis” song of all-time. A few months after dropping Stillmatic his mother passed away and it's been reported that he didn't want to finish this album. Well, it's a good thing for us that he did, because God's Son raises the bar over his previous work. This album finds him wiser, more focused, and introspective. On "The Cross" he debases the jiggy (did I just use that word), bling-bling culture of hip-hop that even he fell victim to on a couple of albums (Can you say “Oochie Wally?). He states, "I don't need much, but a Dutch / A [chick] to f*ck / A six, a truck / Some guns to bust / I wish it was that simple." Although it is pretty much agreed in the hip hop community that Nas got the better of Jay-Z in the lyrical battle, he takes one more jab at him on "The Last Real N*gga Alive." This song is a hip-hop history lesson chronicling the rise of Bad Boy Entertainment, the Wu Tang Clan, and the truth behind the controversy surrounding the "Hate Me Now" video. "I Can" is the song with kids singing the hook about self-esteem and learning. This is a good thing, but please do not take all the words to be fact. He did mesh a couple of historical events together that did not exist contemporaneously. However the message is positive and I love that. "Dance" is a song that finds him mourning for the mother he lost to cancer. Depending on which version of the album you have, it probably ends with my favorite song "Heaven." Saukrates and Jully Black (who sounds like she could be Mary J. Blige's sister) ask the question, "If Heaven was a mile away / Would I pack up my bags and leave this world behind / If Heaven was a mile away / Or save it all for you / If Heaven was mile away / Would I fill my tank up with gas and be out the front door in a FLASH / Before reconsidering this hell with you.” The first verse finds Nas pondering about the spiritual. How would we act if we knew that God was watching our every vice? Would we pray more, quit drinking, quit smoking, quit sexing, and quit slanging kane? The second verse once again finds him disillusioned with materialism and the formulistic nature of making popular records. He states, "It's getting unbearable / Making hits is easy / Put a famous [chick] on a hook / There you go with a platinum CD." In the song's outro he implores the listener to find their Heaven here on Earth. Not with money or with material trappings, but with family, with relationships, and in the everyday blessings.

3. The Chocolate Factory by R. Kelly. Regardless of what you may think of Mr. Robert Kelly as a person, you can't deny that the guy is talented. Although I must admit that his taking up of this "Pied Piper" moniker slightly disturbs me and really isn't going to help his legal problems. Didn't he read the original version of that fairy-tale? Anyway, with apologies to Bobby Brown, Arruha is the real King of R&B. He's been on like twelve movie soundtracks, given us that Mr. Biggs soap opera, and revived the Isley Brothers career. Do you know that this Mr. Biggs stuff has been going now since I was senior in high school 7 years ago? Yet, I still find myself entertained by that new video "Busted." R's so ingrained in our musical culture that you might like R. Kelly and not even know it. You like Ginuwine? You like R. You like the Isleys? You like R. You like Aaliyah's old stuff? You like R. You like B2K, Nick Cannon, and Marques Houston? You like R, R, and R again. If you like Celine Dion. What? Celine Dion? Yes, he's produced for her too. He's like the Neptunes; you just can't escape him. On R's last official release 2000's TP-2.com, he opened the album with those subtle, yet endearing lyrics "Hit it hard from the back / Roll around on the front." Okay, you could tell that album was a continuation of 12 Play. Although you would not know it by the songs he's released, The Chocolate Factory finds the new and improved R. Kelly. It has your typical R. fare of beautiful ballads mixed in with a couple of club bangers. However, what makes this better than the typical R album is that the sexual innuendo is finally just that, innuendo. It's not that raw, in-your-face unabashedness that made him the bane of parents. Like rap, I think that most R&B music should be tossed in the same toilet. Yet, what separates R. from the rest of the R&B pretenders are his deftly crafted, if somewhat simple, lyrics and his ability to ride over a beat better than 95 percent of the rappers as exhibited on the "Ignition Remix" and "Imagine That" (which just screams of Prince influence). For the tragically un-hip out there, "riding" over a beat means the ability to use words that flow in sync with the variations in the music. Some of the best examples on this technique are Outkast on "Southernplayalisticadillacmusik," Jay-Z on "Jigga What," Slick Rick on "Lodi Dodi," Ice Cube on "Today Was A Good Day," and probably the best example, Biggie Smalls on the remix of "One More Chance." Depending on which version you procure, the album includes up to five songs from the "Loveland" bootleg. However, it is missing my three favorites including the ten-minute “I Believe I Can Fly” remix. So go to the store and pick up The Chocolate Factory and then go to your local bootleg man or swap meet and pick up the bootleg. Together they represent his best work to date.


SHOUT OUTS

Farewell to those that have passed on:
1. Fred Rogers, who invited us all into his neighborhood. I hope there’s a cardigan in Heaven to fit those wings.

2. Barry White, whose music is probably the reason that some of you all are here. I’m still bumpin’ that “At The End of the Day.”

3. Maurice Gibb, who along with his brothers is the reason that I like disco. That Saturday Night Fever soundtrack is blazin’.

4. Nina Simone, jazz singer and outspoken activist. Her music continues to inspire a new generation.5.


As I stated up top I'm going to be experimenting with a few things that will hopefully make this column better. Most likely I'm going to switch to doing less topics per column and increasing the frequency of my production. As always, your feedback is appreciated and taken into consideration one way or another. Special thanks to my friend from Chicago (you know who you are) who called me out on one of those articles I occasionally forward out to fill time between columns. I was slipping slightly into the realm of tabloid reporter. Thanks for bringing me back.

--AIR © 2003

The Air Up Here, Vol. III - The Love Edition

To the millions and millions of my adoring fans,

Can it be I stayed away too long? Did y'all really miss me while I was gone? I know that you thought that I had disappeared, gone silently into that good night. It was just a hiatus, so like your boy Kornheiser; I'm back for more cash. Let's get started.


1. Valentine's Day. I think I've finally figured out the way that men and women perceive this holiday. Women, if you want to know why your man waits until the very last second to ask you out, buy you roses, plan the romantic evening, etc.; it's because he's hoping that Valentine's Day won't come this year. I'm so for-serious. He's secretly hoping that this is finally the year that Congress will go ahead and pass the resolution to strike this most artificial of holidays off the calendar. Yes, he hopes, he prays, and . . . It's here again. Well, maybe they'll cancel it next year. Guys, what we must realize is that whether we think it's valid or not, Valentine's Day for women is like Super Bowl Sunday for us. We know as soon as we find out what teams are playing in the big game that the preparation for the party begins: Who's going to be hosting? Who's bringing the chicken wings? Who's bringing the Michelob? It's the same thing for them. As soon as they figure out who their Valentine is for this particular year, the anticipation builds: What is he going to get me? Where is he going to take me? Is he even going to ask me out? So fellas if you are showing your woman love the other 364 days of the year, go for the perfect game and make V-Day special because it's important to her. Now most likely, if you are f*$%ing up most of the year, this is your chance to redeem yourself, get that batting average up, and keep the love alive.


2. The Stages of Man. You know the older I get the more I've come to the realization that adults are more like children than I could ever imagine. It's the same the movie with different actors, the same song with different singers. Since this is the love edition, I will direct my comments specifically on that topic. I find it absolutely amazing that we as humans manage to continue procreating considering that there is so much misunderstanding between the sexes. We don't even really know how to tell each other that we like one another. Example #1: Remember back in elementary school when at that age girls are maturing faster than their male counterparts? (I know some women will say that continues throughout life, but work with me) Ladies, so if you liked a guy back then what did you do? Did you say, "Hey, John, do you want to be my Valentine?" No, you chased the poor kid around in recess. You threatened him with punishments like giving him kisses and holding hands. If all of that didn't work you just beat him up until he relented. Guys, we were no better. Did we ever say, "Hey, Susan, would like to go to McDonald's with me and get some ice cream?" No, we normally teased Susan until she cried, put dirt in her hair, or brought her some wonderful gift we found in the woods during recess like worms and frogs. It seems funny looking back on it now, but what's even funnier is that it still goes on now that we are adults. Example #2: Guys, let's say there's this woman in your study group or work group and you think she's cute and you want to ask her out. Do you just say, "Would you like to go out sometime and catch a movie or grab a bite to eat?" Actually a lot of guys are bold enough to go that route, but then a lot aren't. So what do we do instead? We start cracking jokes and making sarcastic comments to the female. In our minds it's like "Heeyyy girrlll, check me out. I'm witty, charming, and most importantly I'm actually paying you some attention." It's possible that the woman could be with us on this, but most likely she's thinking, "What a jackass!" Why? Because it's just the adult version of throwing dirt in her hair! Women, by the time you reach adulthood your mothers have taught you that you don't chase boys; it's the other way around. Also by this time most men have actually come to enjoy kissing, although hand-holding still scares many. So lets say there's this guy at work or at the gym and you want to ask him out. Do you say, "Hey, would you like to go out sometime?" Of course, you don't. I mean, how would that look? A woman asking a guy out and it's not Sadie Hawkins dance time? Perish the thought. Instead you do all of that women stuff that basically confuses the lot of us. You know the hair flipping, eye batting, touching the guy on the elbow, staring at us just a bit too long, and talking in Womanesque (you all's official language that is littered with subtext and hidden meanings). Let me tell you how all of that gets interpreted on our end.

a. Hair flipping - She must be trying to get her hair off of her shoulder.

b. Eye batting - She must have something in her eye.

c. Touching on the elbow - I must have had some lint on my shirt.

d. Staring - Uh oh, do I have some broccoli in my teeth? Just like in the rest of the animal kingdom, staring has a tendency to make guys nervous and uneasy in which case we will probably run. Think: National Geographic Specials when the lions start staring at the gazelles.

e. Talking in Womanesque - What the hell is she talking about? Say what you mean and mean what you say, please.

Come on ladies, it's 2003, if you want to ask a guy out just go ahead and do it. Believe me when I say that we will not think any less of you, in fact, many of us will be relieved. You know I have much more to say on this topic specifically on how I think most men and women are scared of each other, but I'll save that for another day.

3. The Truth. How do you know it's real? Real? Cause it make you say, oooh that there good, that there good, that there good. How can you tell it's real? Real? Cause it make say, oooh that there good, that there good. After that intro I know y'all are like “that boy has lost his mind”, but I assure you that I am totally lucent. Some of the most frequent questions that I am asked about my writing are:

Q1. How truthful is the stuff that I write?
Q2. Am I specifically talking to anyone in my writings?
Q3. Are all of those crazy scenarios things that have happened to me or that
I have actually done?

The answer to the first question is "totally" unless otherwise specified. This is more of an editorial piece so the opinions are definitely my own, but the news events themselves are things that I seen on television or read in magazine or the newspaper. The answer to the second question is "all of the time." Since the advent of this column, I've sent out messages to people or talked about deeply personal events in my life. I just make sure to include enough detail so that the person that the comments are directed to knows that I'm talking to them and yet remain ambiguous enough to confuse the average onlooker. Why do you think that I normally put "if you think I'm talking about you, you're probably right" at the beginning of most of these editions. The answer to the third question is "YES" and "NO". For example, was I slightly sad walking alone out of church on Easter Sunday? Yes. Do I actually know anyone named Pookie? No. Have I called in favors to make a night special for someone I was dating? Yes. Have I actually ever been to Le Circe? No. I think you get the picture. Most people, for some reason, specifically wanted to know about the roses at the airport scenario. I've never actually done that for anyone, but there was someone that I definitely wanted to do it for. It just didn't pan out. Who knows maybe next lifetime.

4. My Favorite Sin. Today I'm talking about love and not just the love between couples. No, I'm also talking a type of love that might hinder you from coupling up with someone in the first place. For those of you all that have seen The Devil's Advocate you might remember Al Pacino's line "Vanity, is definitely my favorite sin. Self love. It's so basic. The all-natural opiate." This narcissism thing is definitely a topic that I know nothing about. I mean, just because AIR checks himself out in every mirror he walks passed in the mall doesn't make him narcissistic. Just because AIR, ranks up there with sliced bread, indoor plumbing, and television as one of greatest creations of the 20th Century isn't his fault; it's just a fact. Okay, okay, this might be topic that I'm slightly (just slightly) familiar with. A recent article written by Bill
Hendrick in the Atlanta Journal Constitution talked about a University of Georgia study that was done on narcissism. It showed that narcissists are really good at the dating game, but usually can't keep partners. It states that "narcissists get dates because they're usually outgoing, personable, likable, and friendly." However it also states that "before long the very self-love that turns others on becomes a major turnoff and they get dumped." Oooohh, that hurts. The study found that narcissists are "power-hungry, manipulative, selfish, and think they're smarter and better looking than everyone else." Narcissism is actually a personality disorder that thankfully only affects about 1 million people, although millions more exhibit some of its less appealing qualities. The study also found that narcissists often resort to game-playing, such as keeping multiple partners on a string and that they are not good at keeping secrets. In case you were wondering, the term "narcissist" comes from the Greek myth of "Echo and Narcissus." The quick and dirty version of it is that Narcissus was walking by a reflecting pool and fell in love with his own image. He wondered why the image would reach for him when he reached for it, but would disappear when he touched it. He stayed there by the pool, fascinated and confused, until he died. Think about that the next time you're taking just a bit too long getting ready to go out.


CD REVIEW
1. A Love Story by Vivian Green. This CD gets my early nod for CD of the Year, although it came out in November of 2002. The debut album from Jill Scott's former backup singer is definitely a winner. If you have a date coming over in the next hour and you are still trying to figure out what music to put on then run out and cop this album. I mean, come on, it's only $5.99 at Best Buy. However the cheap price isn't the only reason the pick up this album, it is a soulful and melodic experience. It's a musical journey that will have you reminiscing on past loves and thinking about current ones. Although Vivian is only 23, she sings songs of love, emotion, and heartache that you would expect from someone many years her senior. The album, like most of the stuff I like, has that jazz club vibe to it. The standout cuts on the album are "Emotional Rollercoaster" (which is her first single and video), "Wishful Thinking", "What Is Love", and my personal favorite "Ain't Nothing But Love." So if you are in love, out of love, want to be in love, heartbroken or out breaking hearts do yourself a favor and get this album.

SHOUT OUTS
Normally this is one of happiest sections of my newsletter, but with the way of the world it's turning into a remembrances section. Once again I have two to pass on to you.

1. One time for the crew of the Columbia Space Shuttle. Nowadays, shuttle launches and landings are nothing special, most of the time just getting a blurb on the back page of the dailies or a sound bite on television. But many of us remember when they were something that the nation stopped and took notice of if only for a moment. When there was a collective sense of wanderlust that man can soar into the heavens amongst the stars. I was at an educational/business conference when I heard the news about the Columbia. To be honest, I don't think I knew that the shuttle was up in space let alone coming back on that day. However, when I heard the news for a brief moment I wasn't a 25-year man standing in the midst of a crowd at the Cambridge Marriott; I was that 9-year old boy in 3rd grade sitting in Ms. Deadeaux's class with tears streaming down my face watching the Challenger take its final flight. So next time there is a launch of the shuttle, I think I'll stop, pause for a minute, watch it as it ascends to the sky, and say a prayer.

2. One time for Keven A. Conner, better known to most of us as Dino from the R&B group H-Town. He and his girlfriend died earlier this month, when an SUV ran a traffic light and struck the vehicle in which they were riding. He was only 28 years old. You know I can only remember two H-Town songs, "Emotions" and "Knockin' the Boots", but they were both favorites of mine and I have many memories associated with them. It funny how just hearing a song can take you back. I don't know about y'all, but I used to have "the date" mix tape. For every date I had to have the tape of slow jams. Even though it had come out about six months earlier, I had "Knockin' the Boots" on the tape that I used on my first official date ever. Yes, good times. Definitely, good times. Tonight I think I might just try to find that tape, dust it off, and remember the good times that Dino and H-Town helped a brother to have.


I'll be back next time with my usual analysis of political heads, the entertainment industry, and anything else that catches my fancy. Oh and it won't take me four months to put it out either, I promise. Before I go, I just want to leave you with this. If haven't told your Mom, Dad, Grandma, Granddad, brother or sister that you love them today give them a call and let them know. If you have been meaning to call that friend, classmate, associate, whomever, but haven't found the time; just go ahead and do it. If you've been harboring hate or animosity in your heart, just let it go. That's it for now, I'll quit preaching. Take care, much love, and God Bless.

--AIR © 2003

That's All I Have To Say About That (Archived Feb 2003)

Date: Tue, 18 Feb 2003 20:33:48 -0800 (PST)
So it has been a long time since the last That’s All I Have to Say About That and yes I recognize that everyone has been missing it so here is the latest inspired version hot off the presses and with no further ado.

Lebron- Hummer are you kidding me a Hummer, forget the throw back jerseys (by the way why do they cost so much) I want to know who is paying for the DVD’s in the Hummer? Does the guy already have a deal with Blockbuster? While we are on the subject, lets also talk about the dilemma that this guy is going through, no not "who do I sign with Addidas or Nike", no not "what kind of gas do I put in the hummer", no not "should I use Jacob the Jeweler when I get my ice next week", the true dilemma is how does the guy fend off all of the groupies. Let’s think about this, this guy is in uncharted territory, he is currently being stalked by:
1.) High school girls (Yeah like most high school athletes he is the coolest thing walking the halls and the added benefit is that he is going to be rich soon, so if you ask him to prom chances are you might be driving a Hummer by graduation).
2.) Middle school girls (So I’m kind of developed and if I wear some really tight stuff he will definitely think I am in high school)
3.) Young Women 20-30 years of age (your typical groupie age, for all you up and coming groupies(see 1
nd 2) this is where your real competition lies)
4.) Older Women 30-45 (this group comprises a smaller number of women but they are more dangerous because they are experienced and crafty kind of like Mike on a good night with the Wizards. They are liable to fight group 3 report group 1 to the authorities and teach group 2 a thing or two.)

So the question is how many women are standing by Lebron’s Hummer on any given night after a game or basketball practice. Who gets the first shot at him? Is it determined by age, height or dedication to the game? If you have a curfew how do you complete? Can you get a reference letter from you mom? My opinion on the whole situation is that this guy now needs an extra large posse just to take applications and sort through all the women because this is more women than one normal athlete can handle. Lebron may have even passed Jordan’s level……..well that could be a little much but at least Jordan doesn’t have middle school girls coming after him and he doesn’t mess with High School girls because of the R. Kelly factor.

Ricardo Simon Appeals Committee- It has come to my attention that in recent months I have become the head of the Ricardo Simon relationship appeals committee. What does that mean you ask? Well it means that if you are a women, and thing aren’t working out the way you want with Mr. Simon then you appeal to the voice of reason……..Jamal Jackson. Jamal then tells you he can’t do anything because "Rico is his own man" but all that being said Jamal makes the appeal to Rico. After all of that Mr. Simon normally comes back to his senses, takes the girl back and she is forever indebted to Jamal. The girl thanks Jamal, praises him as a nice guy and frankly goes on with her life and calls the next time she wants to make an appeal. So as the head of the committee let me just say that absolutely no more appeals will be made unless the appealing party offers up a single friend (rating of 7 or better) to go out with Jamal for dinner, lunch, a movie etc. This perspective girl must be adequately briefed on Jamal’s good qualities and the way that he is saving the appealing party’s relationship with Mr. Simon. I figure that using those numbers I should be able to triple my interaction with the opposite sex and be married within a year and a half so that I don’t have to deal with this crap anymore.

Bobby Brown- Damn so that makes sense all the weed heads at Famu must have been bipolar too. So it’s a
medical thing I get it now.

Ron Artest – This due is unstable he almost went P.J. Carlisimo on Pat Riley. He is the second coming of Spreewell. This dude is a walking beat down waiting to happen anytime he laces up the shoes. You know this should be a lesson to all those family members and posse members that mooch off a guy and force him to work at Best Buy in the off- season, just so a brotha can get the hookup on electronics equipment that he can’t afford to pay full price for.

Bill O’Riely- Fuck his conservative ass taking good money out of Ludacris’ and Snoop’s hands. This dude is a playa hater and he just needs to go to a P-Ditty party, hang out with Martha Stewart and shoot the shit over a bottle of Cris. Then he would realize that rappers aren’t bad and that groupie love is the best kind of love.

Reality TV – You know this reality tv thing is completely out of hand. I’ve got completely single guys in my office watching the Bachelorette (not the Bachelor) and speculating on which guy will be eliminated next. This is sick, I can understand the Bachelor because there are women on that show and if you really want to lose points in the man club this is acceptable. But the Bachelorette, this is completely un acceptable television for a single man. Any man willing to watch this will feel completely comfortable doing yoga in a room with Richard Simons, RuPaul, and Norman from the Real World New York (took it back didn’t I). I can understand if you are roped into watching this trash because of a significant other, because sometimes men have to compromise in a relationship (I personally believe in having two TV’s). But knowing that there are single men out there running home to watch this show, the though just makes me sick. Rico please watch a basketball game or something.

Reality TV 2 – If Alton continues to keep fucking up with Irulan, who is by far the best looking black woman to ever enter a Real World House (sorry Coral you got demoted), I will personally fly to Vegas and choke the shit out of him.

H-Town Shout out – Kong and I recently went down to H-Town and had a great weekend. While we didn’t "drop it like it was hot" we understand that some people in a drunken stupor "dropped hot stuff where it wasn’t supposed to be dropped" and because of that we send a shout out to people willing to have parties in their homes. Every time you have a party you take a calculated risk and most of the time it turns out ok in the end. But there are those particular occasions where it doesn’t turn out ok and it is during those times that you have to remember and focus on the good times so that you can live to party again. Also it’s a good idea to hide all the good furniture in a closet.

Kobe- Please stop, you are killing people with heart conditions. In the last two weeks this nigga was responsible for more deaths than the DC blizzard. I am personally writing letters to the NBA to initiate the retraction of the Nuggets just to save them from any further humiliation. Jesse and Al (see below) should really focus on getting this nigga banned from television because he is a danger to the television
watching public.

Mike Tyson – Will somebody please give Mike a hug, please.

Janet "Ms. Jackson if your Nasty" – OK please, please, please tell me you are fucking with JD just to get to Bow Wow please. I was hurt by the Timberlake shit but this is just unacceptable.

JD- Damn I heard about the IRS taking your shit, I guess they watched cribs and got mad. So if the IRS takes your Bently are you still a Baller or are you just Balling. Let a nigga know. Oh yeah and the deal you signed with the devil, that shit ain’t right.

Black Politics – All I want is a black leader worth a shit, if I see Jessie or Al chase one more stupid fucking issue I am going hunt them down. I am convinced that Black people don’t vote because we are sick of seeing these bitches picketing someplace with 12 other clueless people who are reliving their glory days. What the fuck do I care if there aren’t any black coaches in the NFL, they only have 32 teams. How about very few blacks in corporate America, how about the possible end of affirmative action, how about Bill O’Riley’s raciest ass on television every night, how about no blacks at Michigan, how about republican politics, how about aids in Africa. These bitches are a disgrace they should stop picketing, get an actual position in government and start making some legislative changes. I mean white people don’t have to put up with this shit.
And that is all I have to say about that.