That's All I Have To Say About That (Archived Feb 2003)

Date: Tue, 18 Feb 2003 20:33:48 -0800 (PST)
So it has been a long time since the last That’s All I Have to Say About That and yes I recognize that everyone has been missing it so here is the latest inspired version hot off the presses and with no further ado.

Lebron- Hummer are you kidding me a Hummer, forget the throw back jerseys (by the way why do they cost so much) I want to know who is paying for the DVD’s in the Hummer? Does the guy already have a deal with Blockbuster? While we are on the subject, lets also talk about the dilemma that this guy is going through, no not "who do I sign with Addidas or Nike", no not "what kind of gas do I put in the hummer", no not "should I use Jacob the Jeweler when I get my ice next week", the true dilemma is how does the guy fend off all of the groupies. Let’s think about this, this guy is in uncharted territory, he is currently being stalked by:
1.) High school girls (Yeah like most high school athletes he is the coolest thing walking the halls and the added benefit is that he is going to be rich soon, so if you ask him to prom chances are you might be driving a Hummer by graduation).
2.) Middle school girls (So I’m kind of developed and if I wear some really tight stuff he will definitely think I am in high school)
3.) Young Women 20-30 years of age (your typical groupie age, for all you up and coming groupies(see 1
nd 2) this is where your real competition lies)
4.) Older Women 30-45 (this group comprises a smaller number of women but they are more dangerous because they are experienced and crafty kind of like Mike on a good night with the Wizards. They are liable to fight group 3 report group 1 to the authorities and teach group 2 a thing or two.)

So the question is how many women are standing by Lebron’s Hummer on any given night after a game or basketball practice. Who gets the first shot at him? Is it determined by age, height or dedication to the game? If you have a curfew how do you complete? Can you get a reference letter from you mom? My opinion on the whole situation is that this guy now needs an extra large posse just to take applications and sort through all the women because this is more women than one normal athlete can handle. Lebron may have even passed Jordan’s level……..well that could be a little much but at least Jordan doesn’t have middle school girls coming after him and he doesn’t mess with High School girls because of the R. Kelly factor.

Ricardo Simon Appeals Committee- It has come to my attention that in recent months I have become the head of the Ricardo Simon relationship appeals committee. What does that mean you ask? Well it means that if you are a women, and thing aren’t working out the way you want with Mr. Simon then you appeal to the voice of reason……..Jamal Jackson. Jamal then tells you he can’t do anything because "Rico is his own man" but all that being said Jamal makes the appeal to Rico. After all of that Mr. Simon normally comes back to his senses, takes the girl back and she is forever indebted to Jamal. The girl thanks Jamal, praises him as a nice guy and frankly goes on with her life and calls the next time she wants to make an appeal. So as the head of the committee let me just say that absolutely no more appeals will be made unless the appealing party offers up a single friend (rating of 7 or better) to go out with Jamal for dinner, lunch, a movie etc. This perspective girl must be adequately briefed on Jamal’s good qualities and the way that he is saving the appealing party’s relationship with Mr. Simon. I figure that using those numbers I should be able to triple my interaction with the opposite sex and be married within a year and a half so that I don’t have to deal with this crap anymore.

Bobby Brown- Damn so that makes sense all the weed heads at Famu must have been bipolar too. So it’s a
medical thing I get it now.

Ron Artest – This due is unstable he almost went P.J. Carlisimo on Pat Riley. He is the second coming of Spreewell. This dude is a walking beat down waiting to happen anytime he laces up the shoes. You know this should be a lesson to all those family members and posse members that mooch off a guy and force him to work at Best Buy in the off- season, just so a brotha can get the hookup on electronics equipment that he can’t afford to pay full price for.

Bill O’Riely- Fuck his conservative ass taking good money out of Ludacris’ and Snoop’s hands. This dude is a playa hater and he just needs to go to a P-Ditty party, hang out with Martha Stewart and shoot the shit over a bottle of Cris. Then he would realize that rappers aren’t bad and that groupie love is the best kind of love.

Reality TV – You know this reality tv thing is completely out of hand. I’ve got completely single guys in my office watching the Bachelorette (not the Bachelor) and speculating on which guy will be eliminated next. This is sick, I can understand the Bachelor because there are women on that show and if you really want to lose points in the man club this is acceptable. But the Bachelorette, this is completely un acceptable television for a single man. Any man willing to watch this will feel completely comfortable doing yoga in a room with Richard Simons, RuPaul, and Norman from the Real World New York (took it back didn’t I). I can understand if you are roped into watching this trash because of a significant other, because sometimes men have to compromise in a relationship (I personally believe in having two TV’s). But knowing that there are single men out there running home to watch this show, the though just makes me sick. Rico please watch a basketball game or something.

Reality TV 2 – If Alton continues to keep fucking up with Irulan, who is by far the best looking black woman to ever enter a Real World House (sorry Coral you got demoted), I will personally fly to Vegas and choke the shit out of him.

H-Town Shout out – Kong and I recently went down to H-Town and had a great weekend. While we didn’t "drop it like it was hot" we understand that some people in a drunken stupor "dropped hot stuff where it wasn’t supposed to be dropped" and because of that we send a shout out to people willing to have parties in their homes. Every time you have a party you take a calculated risk and most of the time it turns out ok in the end. But there are those particular occasions where it doesn’t turn out ok and it is during those times that you have to remember and focus on the good times so that you can live to party again. Also it’s a good idea to hide all the good furniture in a closet.

Kobe- Please stop, you are killing people with heart conditions. In the last two weeks this nigga was responsible for more deaths than the DC blizzard. I am personally writing letters to the NBA to initiate the retraction of the Nuggets just to save them from any further humiliation. Jesse and Al (see below) should really focus on getting this nigga banned from television because he is a danger to the television
watching public.

Mike Tyson – Will somebody please give Mike a hug, please.

Janet "Ms. Jackson if your Nasty" – OK please, please, please tell me you are fucking with JD just to get to Bow Wow please. I was hurt by the Timberlake shit but this is just unacceptable.

JD- Damn I heard about the IRS taking your shit, I guess they watched cribs and got mad. So if the IRS takes your Bently are you still a Baller or are you just Balling. Let a nigga know. Oh yeah and the deal you signed with the devil, that shit ain’t right.

Black Politics – All I want is a black leader worth a shit, if I see Jessie or Al chase one more stupid fucking issue I am going hunt them down. I am convinced that Black people don’t vote because we are sick of seeing these bitches picketing someplace with 12 other clueless people who are reliving their glory days. What the fuck do I care if there aren’t any black coaches in the NFL, they only have 32 teams. How about very few blacks in corporate America, how about the possible end of affirmative action, how about Bill O’Riley’s raciest ass on television every night, how about no blacks at Michigan, how about republican politics, how about aids in Africa. These bitches are a disgrace they should stop picketing, get an actual position in government and start making some legislative changes. I mean white people don’t have to put up with this shit.
And that is all I have to say about that.