The Air Up Here, Vol. III - The Love Edition

To the millions and millions of my adoring fans,

Can it be I stayed away too long? Did y'all really miss me while I was gone? I know that you thought that I had disappeared, gone silently into that good night. It was just a hiatus, so like your boy Kornheiser; I'm back for more cash. Let's get started.


1. Valentine's Day. I think I've finally figured out the way that men and women perceive this holiday. Women, if you want to know why your man waits until the very last second to ask you out, buy you roses, plan the romantic evening, etc.; it's because he's hoping that Valentine's Day won't come this year. I'm so for-serious. He's secretly hoping that this is finally the year that Congress will go ahead and pass the resolution to strike this most artificial of holidays off the calendar. Yes, he hopes, he prays, and . . . It's here again. Well, maybe they'll cancel it next year. Guys, what we must realize is that whether we think it's valid or not, Valentine's Day for women is like Super Bowl Sunday for us. We know as soon as we find out what teams are playing in the big game that the preparation for the party begins: Who's going to be hosting? Who's bringing the chicken wings? Who's bringing the Michelob? It's the same thing for them. As soon as they figure out who their Valentine is for this particular year, the anticipation builds: What is he going to get me? Where is he going to take me? Is he even going to ask me out? So fellas if you are showing your woman love the other 364 days of the year, go for the perfect game and make V-Day special because it's important to her. Now most likely, if you are f*$%ing up most of the year, this is your chance to redeem yourself, get that batting average up, and keep the love alive.


2. The Stages of Man. You know the older I get the more I've come to the realization that adults are more like children than I could ever imagine. It's the same the movie with different actors, the same song with different singers. Since this is the love edition, I will direct my comments specifically on that topic. I find it absolutely amazing that we as humans manage to continue procreating considering that there is so much misunderstanding between the sexes. We don't even really know how to tell each other that we like one another. Example #1: Remember back in elementary school when at that age girls are maturing faster than their male counterparts? (I know some women will say that continues throughout life, but work with me) Ladies, so if you liked a guy back then what did you do? Did you say, "Hey, John, do you want to be my Valentine?" No, you chased the poor kid around in recess. You threatened him with punishments like giving him kisses and holding hands. If all of that didn't work you just beat him up until he relented. Guys, we were no better. Did we ever say, "Hey, Susan, would like to go to McDonald's with me and get some ice cream?" No, we normally teased Susan until she cried, put dirt in her hair, or brought her some wonderful gift we found in the woods during recess like worms and frogs. It seems funny looking back on it now, but what's even funnier is that it still goes on now that we are adults. Example #2: Guys, let's say there's this woman in your study group or work group and you think she's cute and you want to ask her out. Do you just say, "Would you like to go out sometime and catch a movie or grab a bite to eat?" Actually a lot of guys are bold enough to go that route, but then a lot aren't. So what do we do instead? We start cracking jokes and making sarcastic comments to the female. In our minds it's like "Heeyyy girrlll, check me out. I'm witty, charming, and most importantly I'm actually paying you some attention." It's possible that the woman could be with us on this, but most likely she's thinking, "What a jackass!" Why? Because it's just the adult version of throwing dirt in her hair! Women, by the time you reach adulthood your mothers have taught you that you don't chase boys; it's the other way around. Also by this time most men have actually come to enjoy kissing, although hand-holding still scares many. So lets say there's this guy at work or at the gym and you want to ask him out. Do you say, "Hey, would you like to go out sometime?" Of course, you don't. I mean, how would that look? A woman asking a guy out and it's not Sadie Hawkins dance time? Perish the thought. Instead you do all of that women stuff that basically confuses the lot of us. You know the hair flipping, eye batting, touching the guy on the elbow, staring at us just a bit too long, and talking in Womanesque (you all's official language that is littered with subtext and hidden meanings). Let me tell you how all of that gets interpreted on our end.

a. Hair flipping - She must be trying to get her hair off of her shoulder.

b. Eye batting - She must have something in her eye.

c. Touching on the elbow - I must have had some lint on my shirt.

d. Staring - Uh oh, do I have some broccoli in my teeth? Just like in the rest of the animal kingdom, staring has a tendency to make guys nervous and uneasy in which case we will probably run. Think: National Geographic Specials when the lions start staring at the gazelles.

e. Talking in Womanesque - What the hell is she talking about? Say what you mean and mean what you say, please.

Come on ladies, it's 2003, if you want to ask a guy out just go ahead and do it. Believe me when I say that we will not think any less of you, in fact, many of us will be relieved. You know I have much more to say on this topic specifically on how I think most men and women are scared of each other, but I'll save that for another day.

3. The Truth. How do you know it's real? Real? Cause it make you say, oooh that there good, that there good, that there good. How can you tell it's real? Real? Cause it make say, oooh that there good, that there good. After that intro I know y'all are like “that boy has lost his mind”, but I assure you that I am totally lucent. Some of the most frequent questions that I am asked about my writing are:

Q1. How truthful is the stuff that I write?
Q2. Am I specifically talking to anyone in my writings?
Q3. Are all of those crazy scenarios things that have happened to me or that
I have actually done?

The answer to the first question is "totally" unless otherwise specified. This is more of an editorial piece so the opinions are definitely my own, but the news events themselves are things that I seen on television or read in magazine or the newspaper. The answer to the second question is "all of the time." Since the advent of this column, I've sent out messages to people or talked about deeply personal events in my life. I just make sure to include enough detail so that the person that the comments are directed to knows that I'm talking to them and yet remain ambiguous enough to confuse the average onlooker. Why do you think that I normally put "if you think I'm talking about you, you're probably right" at the beginning of most of these editions. The answer to the third question is "YES" and "NO". For example, was I slightly sad walking alone out of church on Easter Sunday? Yes. Do I actually know anyone named Pookie? No. Have I called in favors to make a night special for someone I was dating? Yes. Have I actually ever been to Le Circe? No. I think you get the picture. Most people, for some reason, specifically wanted to know about the roses at the airport scenario. I've never actually done that for anyone, but there was someone that I definitely wanted to do it for. It just didn't pan out. Who knows maybe next lifetime.

4. My Favorite Sin. Today I'm talking about love and not just the love between couples. No, I'm also talking a type of love that might hinder you from coupling up with someone in the first place. For those of you all that have seen The Devil's Advocate you might remember Al Pacino's line "Vanity, is definitely my favorite sin. Self love. It's so basic. The all-natural opiate." This narcissism thing is definitely a topic that I know nothing about. I mean, just because AIR checks himself out in every mirror he walks passed in the mall doesn't make him narcissistic. Just because AIR, ranks up there with sliced bread, indoor plumbing, and television as one of greatest creations of the 20th Century isn't his fault; it's just a fact. Okay, okay, this might be topic that I'm slightly (just slightly) familiar with. A recent article written by Bill
Hendrick in the Atlanta Journal Constitution talked about a University of Georgia study that was done on narcissism. It showed that narcissists are really good at the dating game, but usually can't keep partners. It states that "narcissists get dates because they're usually outgoing, personable, likable, and friendly." However it also states that "before long the very self-love that turns others on becomes a major turnoff and they get dumped." Oooohh, that hurts. The study found that narcissists are "power-hungry, manipulative, selfish, and think they're smarter and better looking than everyone else." Narcissism is actually a personality disorder that thankfully only affects about 1 million people, although millions more exhibit some of its less appealing qualities. The study also found that narcissists often resort to game-playing, such as keeping multiple partners on a string and that they are not good at keeping secrets. In case you were wondering, the term "narcissist" comes from the Greek myth of "Echo and Narcissus." The quick and dirty version of it is that Narcissus was walking by a reflecting pool and fell in love with his own image. He wondered why the image would reach for him when he reached for it, but would disappear when he touched it. He stayed there by the pool, fascinated and confused, until he died. Think about that the next time you're taking just a bit too long getting ready to go out.


CD REVIEW
1. A Love Story by Vivian Green. This CD gets my early nod for CD of the Year, although it came out in November of 2002. The debut album from Jill Scott's former backup singer is definitely a winner. If you have a date coming over in the next hour and you are still trying to figure out what music to put on then run out and cop this album. I mean, come on, it's only $5.99 at Best Buy. However the cheap price isn't the only reason the pick up this album, it is a soulful and melodic experience. It's a musical journey that will have you reminiscing on past loves and thinking about current ones. Although Vivian is only 23, she sings songs of love, emotion, and heartache that you would expect from someone many years her senior. The album, like most of the stuff I like, has that jazz club vibe to it. The standout cuts on the album are "Emotional Rollercoaster" (which is her first single and video), "Wishful Thinking", "What Is Love", and my personal favorite "Ain't Nothing But Love." So if you are in love, out of love, want to be in love, heartbroken or out breaking hearts do yourself a favor and get this album.

SHOUT OUTS
Normally this is one of happiest sections of my newsletter, but with the way of the world it's turning into a remembrances section. Once again I have two to pass on to you.

1. One time for the crew of the Columbia Space Shuttle. Nowadays, shuttle launches and landings are nothing special, most of the time just getting a blurb on the back page of the dailies or a sound bite on television. But many of us remember when they were something that the nation stopped and took notice of if only for a moment. When there was a collective sense of wanderlust that man can soar into the heavens amongst the stars. I was at an educational/business conference when I heard the news about the Columbia. To be honest, I don't think I knew that the shuttle was up in space let alone coming back on that day. However, when I heard the news for a brief moment I wasn't a 25-year man standing in the midst of a crowd at the Cambridge Marriott; I was that 9-year old boy in 3rd grade sitting in Ms. Deadeaux's class with tears streaming down my face watching the Challenger take its final flight. So next time there is a launch of the shuttle, I think I'll stop, pause for a minute, watch it as it ascends to the sky, and say a prayer.

2. One time for Keven A. Conner, better known to most of us as Dino from the R&B group H-Town. He and his girlfriend died earlier this month, when an SUV ran a traffic light and struck the vehicle in which they were riding. He was only 28 years old. You know I can only remember two H-Town songs, "Emotions" and "Knockin' the Boots", but they were both favorites of mine and I have many memories associated with them. It funny how just hearing a song can take you back. I don't know about y'all, but I used to have "the date" mix tape. For every date I had to have the tape of slow jams. Even though it had come out about six months earlier, I had "Knockin' the Boots" on the tape that I used on my first official date ever. Yes, good times. Definitely, good times. Tonight I think I might just try to find that tape, dust it off, and remember the good times that Dino and H-Town helped a brother to have.


I'll be back next time with my usual analysis of political heads, the entertainment industry, and anything else that catches my fancy. Oh and it won't take me four months to put it out either, I promise. Before I go, I just want to leave you with this. If haven't told your Mom, Dad, Grandma, Granddad, brother or sister that you love them today give them a call and let them know. If you have been meaning to call that friend, classmate, associate, whomever, but haven't found the time; just go ahead and do it. If you've been harboring hate or animosity in your heart, just let it go. That's it for now, I'll quit preaching. Take care, much love, and God Bless.

--AIR © 2003

That's All I Have To Say About That (Archived Feb 2003)

Date: Tue, 18 Feb 2003 20:33:48 -0800 (PST)
So it has been a long time since the last That’s All I Have to Say About That and yes I recognize that everyone has been missing it so here is the latest inspired version hot off the presses and with no further ado.

Lebron- Hummer are you kidding me a Hummer, forget the throw back jerseys (by the way why do they cost so much) I want to know who is paying for the DVD’s in the Hummer? Does the guy already have a deal with Blockbuster? While we are on the subject, lets also talk about the dilemma that this guy is going through, no not "who do I sign with Addidas or Nike", no not "what kind of gas do I put in the hummer", no not "should I use Jacob the Jeweler when I get my ice next week", the true dilemma is how does the guy fend off all of the groupies. Let’s think about this, this guy is in uncharted territory, he is currently being stalked by:
1.) High school girls (Yeah like most high school athletes he is the coolest thing walking the halls and the added benefit is that he is going to be rich soon, so if you ask him to prom chances are you might be driving a Hummer by graduation).
2.) Middle school girls (So I’m kind of developed and if I wear some really tight stuff he will definitely think I am in high school)
3.) Young Women 20-30 years of age (your typical groupie age, for all you up and coming groupies(see 1
nd 2) this is where your real competition lies)
4.) Older Women 30-45 (this group comprises a smaller number of women but they are more dangerous because they are experienced and crafty kind of like Mike on a good night with the Wizards. They are liable to fight group 3 report group 1 to the authorities and teach group 2 a thing or two.)

So the question is how many women are standing by Lebron’s Hummer on any given night after a game or basketball practice. Who gets the first shot at him? Is it determined by age, height or dedication to the game? If you have a curfew how do you complete? Can you get a reference letter from you mom? My opinion on the whole situation is that this guy now needs an extra large posse just to take applications and sort through all the women because this is more women than one normal athlete can handle. Lebron may have even passed Jordan’s level……..well that could be a little much but at least Jordan doesn’t have middle school girls coming after him and he doesn’t mess with High School girls because of the R. Kelly factor.

Ricardo Simon Appeals Committee- It has come to my attention that in recent months I have become the head of the Ricardo Simon relationship appeals committee. What does that mean you ask? Well it means that if you are a women, and thing aren’t working out the way you want with Mr. Simon then you appeal to the voice of reason……..Jamal Jackson. Jamal then tells you he can’t do anything because "Rico is his own man" but all that being said Jamal makes the appeal to Rico. After all of that Mr. Simon normally comes back to his senses, takes the girl back and she is forever indebted to Jamal. The girl thanks Jamal, praises him as a nice guy and frankly goes on with her life and calls the next time she wants to make an appeal. So as the head of the committee let me just say that absolutely no more appeals will be made unless the appealing party offers up a single friend (rating of 7 or better) to go out with Jamal for dinner, lunch, a movie etc. This perspective girl must be adequately briefed on Jamal’s good qualities and the way that he is saving the appealing party’s relationship with Mr. Simon. I figure that using those numbers I should be able to triple my interaction with the opposite sex and be married within a year and a half so that I don’t have to deal with this crap anymore.

Bobby Brown- Damn so that makes sense all the weed heads at Famu must have been bipolar too. So it’s a
medical thing I get it now.

Ron Artest – This due is unstable he almost went P.J. Carlisimo on Pat Riley. He is the second coming of Spreewell. This dude is a walking beat down waiting to happen anytime he laces up the shoes. You know this should be a lesson to all those family members and posse members that mooch off a guy and force him to work at Best Buy in the off- season, just so a brotha can get the hookup on electronics equipment that he can’t afford to pay full price for.

Bill O’Riely- Fuck his conservative ass taking good money out of Ludacris’ and Snoop’s hands. This dude is a playa hater and he just needs to go to a P-Ditty party, hang out with Martha Stewart and shoot the shit over a bottle of Cris. Then he would realize that rappers aren’t bad and that groupie love is the best kind of love.

Reality TV – You know this reality tv thing is completely out of hand. I’ve got completely single guys in my office watching the Bachelorette (not the Bachelor) and speculating on which guy will be eliminated next. This is sick, I can understand the Bachelor because there are women on that show and if you really want to lose points in the man club this is acceptable. But the Bachelorette, this is completely un acceptable television for a single man. Any man willing to watch this will feel completely comfortable doing yoga in a room with Richard Simons, RuPaul, and Norman from the Real World New York (took it back didn’t I). I can understand if you are roped into watching this trash because of a significant other, because sometimes men have to compromise in a relationship (I personally believe in having two TV’s). But knowing that there are single men out there running home to watch this show, the though just makes me sick. Rico please watch a basketball game or something.

Reality TV 2 – If Alton continues to keep fucking up with Irulan, who is by far the best looking black woman to ever enter a Real World House (sorry Coral you got demoted), I will personally fly to Vegas and choke the shit out of him.

H-Town Shout out – Kong and I recently went down to H-Town and had a great weekend. While we didn’t "drop it like it was hot" we understand that some people in a drunken stupor "dropped hot stuff where it wasn’t supposed to be dropped" and because of that we send a shout out to people willing to have parties in their homes. Every time you have a party you take a calculated risk and most of the time it turns out ok in the end. But there are those particular occasions where it doesn’t turn out ok and it is during those times that you have to remember and focus on the good times so that you can live to party again. Also it’s a good idea to hide all the good furniture in a closet.

Kobe- Please stop, you are killing people with heart conditions. In the last two weeks this nigga was responsible for more deaths than the DC blizzard. I am personally writing letters to the NBA to initiate the retraction of the Nuggets just to save them from any further humiliation. Jesse and Al (see below) should really focus on getting this nigga banned from television because he is a danger to the television
watching public.

Mike Tyson – Will somebody please give Mike a hug, please.

Janet "Ms. Jackson if your Nasty" – OK please, please, please tell me you are fucking with JD just to get to Bow Wow please. I was hurt by the Timberlake shit but this is just unacceptable.

JD- Damn I heard about the IRS taking your shit, I guess they watched cribs and got mad. So if the IRS takes your Bently are you still a Baller or are you just Balling. Let a nigga know. Oh yeah and the deal you signed with the devil, that shit ain’t right.

Black Politics – All I want is a black leader worth a shit, if I see Jessie or Al chase one more stupid fucking issue I am going hunt them down. I am convinced that Black people don’t vote because we are sick of seeing these bitches picketing someplace with 12 other clueless people who are reliving their glory days. What the fuck do I care if there aren’t any black coaches in the NFL, they only have 32 teams. How about very few blacks in corporate America, how about the possible end of affirmative action, how about Bill O’Riley’s raciest ass on television every night, how about no blacks at Michigan, how about republican politics, how about aids in Africa. These bitches are a disgrace they should stop picketing, get an actual position in government and start making some legislative changes. I mean white people don’t have to put up with this shit.
And that is all I have to say about that.