TDRS:The Unwritten Rules Edition

What up FAM? What Up Folk? What up Cuz Cuz? Once again it’s Ya Boy and I am coming at you this week with some of that A-town stomp ish. I have to give credit for the following edition to my boy Haas G Tate. Haas G is the first of my true homies to voluntarily commit to the same woman, as Mac 10 would say “Fo-Life”. Now before I get the calls and emails, there is nothing wrong with going down “Fo-Life”; I am an advocate of that. However, I believe that with any relationship one should take the time to do their research/homework before making that decision. For years, TDRS has talked about winning the game and full disclosure and I bet some you don’t think that this philosophy is also applicable to committed relationships. You can believe what you want, but today in true hollaatyaboys fashion, TDRS will be discussing the unwritten rules of relationships today. Before you ask, these are the rules that I have learned over many years of dating and relationships. Women are the authority, they legislate these “rules”, so any disagreements should be directed towards them or their speaker of the house….”Oprah”. Ha! This edition will broadly cover a variety of subjects, so forgive me for the limited content. Also, this is more for the fellas, but I am sure the ladies will read this edition with sincere interest.

Before we get to the rules let’s hit the usual topics this week.

Who Embarrassed the Race this week?

Micheal Irvin
· A “pipe”was found in Mr. Irvin’s car. Surprise, Surprise eh? I guess Mike was speeding to catch that five-o-clock free crack giveaway!

Mrs. Kirk Franklin
· On Oprah, Mrs. Franklin decided to give viewers a sneak peak into the freaky world of the Franklin’s. Mrs. Franklin basically said she tried such things as the “dress up stuff”. Dress up stuff? I’m sorry but she “aint gotta lie Craig”! Quietly, we know that Mrs. Franklin was doing a lot more freaky stuff if her hubby was digging in the trash to find discarded porn flicks.

THE RULES
…Given that we are in the season, I thought I would start off with the Holiday Rules.

The Holidays:

Rule #1-New Years is NOT a negotiable holiday! I have learned over the years that this day is special for a number of reasons but not for what the average guy thinks. New Years is not about the kiss at midnight, it’s not even about starting the year with the guy they love. New Years is all about that REALLY nice dress that they get to wear, PERIOD!! And don’t forget, you must take her to some place where she can wear that REALLY nice dress, so dinner at Applebees isn’t going to cut it.

Rule #2-Thanksgiving is officially the “I know he really likes me day”. Fellas, let me go on record and say that meeting the parents is always a “big thing”, but meeting the Family on the biggest family holiday of the year is even bigger. Yeah Christmas is cool, but it’s nothing like Thanksgiving because everyone from the 88-year old alcoholic grandmother (my girlie didn’t meet her this year) to the crown-royale drinking dad will meet her and if that’s not a message, I don’t know what is.

Rule #3-Don’t take her Christmas spirit lightly! Women are natural born givers and if you find yourself dissapointed on the 25th there is no one to blame but yourself. The fellas used to always wonder why I received such good gifts in the past and I would answer with the patented “they got my best 30 seconds”, which is true, but there is much more to that. I can’t wait for the emails on this one. I truly believe that if you spoil them and not necessarily with gifts (although they do help), you will also be spoiled two-fold.

The other but equally important Days:

Valentines Day:
Rule #4-Valentines Day is NOT THE end all, be all female day. Those laides that look forward to this day are usually the one’s who get NO love during the year and the 14th is all they have. Think about it. If you send her flowers at the office 2-3 times a year, then what’s so great about getting flowers on the 14th of February? My friend Steph T once told me that a man is in total control of how much they get whether that be sex, gifts, drama, etc and I’ve got to say she is right. Fellas keep her happy all year long and she may even get to the point of treating the 14th of February like the 15th of February, totally insignificant.

Rule #5-Do Not start dating seriously until after the 14th! Valentines day is like “play action” in the NFL. Before you know it, one of the chicks in your rotation will try to tie you down for a harmless date on 14th, which is equivalent to the simple running play in the NFL. You, however, think it’s harmless until that same chick, fakes the simple handoff and throws the ball downfield by saying something like “I thought we were more serious, we went out on on Valentines Day”! Fellas, if you don’t want to deal with the drama, wait to play the game until the spring when you can scoop up a number of scorned Valentine’s Day chicks.

Birthdays:
Rule #6-Your B-day is VERY important to her. It’s taken me a few years to figure this out but it is so true. It really didn’t hit me until a few years ago when I had a pretty good rotation of ladies and one of them asked two months before my b-day (Oct 7th btw) what my plans were. I, being somewhat wise answered, “I don’t know, my boys usually end up doing something”. Unfortunately, that was the wrong answer and she internalized that as me putting my boys first. Honestly, I didn’t want to commit to her when I had a few starters coming off bench, but oh well, when you’re single it’s always bro’s before ho’s, I guess. Anyway, your B-day is their day, so let them be in charge and heaven forbid don’t diss them for the boys. You’ll pay dearly in opportunity costs in the sense that by going out with the boys, you lose the opportunity for surprise–b day parties, a lil somethin somethin, food, nice gifts, etc.

RULE #7-Her B-day is all about what she wants! Christmas and V-Day are your time to get those gifts she least expected. Her B-Day should be entitled “Spoil Me” day and that’s the truth. Fellas don’t screw up and forget this day because that is almost blasphemous. Even more so detrimental would be giving her some “jacked” up gift. Jacked up gifts don’t necessarily mean things that a cheap. Jacked gifts include the most simple and non-thoughtful things. My advice is to really go all out and get her what she wants and not what you think will make her happy. On her B-day, the “thought” doesn’t count, the carart, clarity, cut, and color do. I aint saying go out and buy diamonds, I am just saying if you’re going to spoil her do it on her B-Day.

Other Unwritten Miscellaneous rules I’ve learned over the years!

RULE #8-She always likes your homeboy that is in a committed relationship more than the single one.

RULE #9-You can never go wrong shopping for her at Victoria Secret…Better yet, I guess you can never go wrong shopping for her period.

RULE #10-Guys always sleep on the side of the bed closest to the door.

RULE #11-It’s okay for them to have an Essence Magazine with the new favorite brotha of the month on the front.

RULE #12-It’s not okay for us to have a King Magazine with Maya on the front.

RULE #13-If you really want to see her, you have to actually SAY it. Never assume she knows you want to.

RULE #14-When acknowledging the attractiveness of another female…Actually there is no such thing. Dumb Move, No Win…so don’t do it.

RULE #15-A jealous man is possessive.

RULE #16-A jealous woman is in-love.

RULE #17-It’s not a good idea to pack condoms when your signficant other isn’t going on the trip. I am going to forever name this, the “Stash” rule.

RULE#18-Guys are ALWAYS in the wrong for leaving the toilet seat up.

RULE#19-Ladies are NEVER in the wrong for leaving the toilet seat down.

RULE#20-Ladies REALLY look forward to taking care of a brotha when he’s sick.

RULE#21-If she tells you that she loves you first, then you don’t have to say it back until you’re ready.

RULE#22-Don’t say those “three” words unless you mean it!

RULE #23-All plutonic, female friends must be mentioned and preferbly introduced prior to the consumation of the relationship.

RULE #24-If she can cook your mother will love her.

Rule #25-If by some grace of God, luck, or just pure skill, you score a dime-piece don’t screw it up!


HollaAtYaBoy!

The Air Up Here, Vol. V - "The Skin You're In" Edition

In my curtain call exploring dating I initially thought about examining interracial relationships and I may one day post some comments that I have received from readers over the years regarding that topic. But for my farewell piece, I thought I would once again focus on the Black (African-American) community and examine the never-ending acrimony of intraracial relationships. That's right, I'm going be speaking on the divisive behavior that is sometimes exhibit between the light-skinned people and the dark-skinned people. I know there are many ways to examine this issue and an equal number of subtopics that can be examined in this context. However because this has been a hot topic of discussion in my circle lately, I am going to squarely focus on this issue as it relates to dating.

A friend of mine recently told me, "Oh, you're one of those brothers that goes for the light-skinned girls with the long hair." When she made that statement I have to admit that her friend status almost got revoked. For one, because that's not the first, second, or third time that I have heard that comment. For two, I'm bewildered, how this theme has become an issue with me considering that the person I fell the hardest for sported a TWA (teeny weenie afro), affectionately known as "the mushroom." For three, just to play devil's advocate, so what if that were my preference? Are you trying to date me? If so, say something. If not, be quiet!

In reality her assessment could not be further from the truth, I'm not going for anyone right now. That explains my current single status. However, during those times that I do feel like wading into the dating pool it's open season, baby! Do I like light-skinned girls with long hair? Damn right. Dark-skinned girls with short-hair? They could get it too. Latinas? What? Why do you think I loved working in the Bronx? (233rd and White Plains Ave and around Fordham University. I made sure I rolled through there at least once a week.) Asian girls? Holla back, youngin'. The Caucasian honeys? Did y'all see some of those girls that went to FSU? I didn't party at Clydes & Costellos every Friday for nothing. When it comes to dating, there is no discriminating in my book at least in theory. I've never actually "dated" anyone that was Caucasian, Latina, or Asian. Well there was the half-Asian woman, but she was also part Black (one-drop rule, right?) and she went to an HBCU.

In the words of TDRS and his Universal Ratings Scale, "A dime is a dime." Fellas recognize and women do too. To that end, why should you concern yourself with the ethnicity of the individual(s) I choose or choose not to be with. Same goes for the color of their skin. You're not going home with her or me, so quit staring, rolling your eyes, and sucking your teeth about what I do on my time.

I'm not going to go back and dissect the whole house slave, field slave issue, which may have been the genesis of this divide (at least in this country). I just want to discuss why it is still an issue in the Black community today. It's Two Thousand and Five, and it still seems that nobody is happy in the skin that they are in. I know a girl that is as light as Halle Berry and wants to swear that she is dark and chocolaty. I know another woman that is darker than midnight in the Mississippi backwoods, but gets offended if someone comments on it. It doesn't seem to matter that she is absolutely gorgeous and has some of the prettiest, smoothest, blemish-free skin that I have ever seen. Once again, why can't people just be happy with whom they are considering that skin color is not a characteristic that you cannot change (well, unless you are Michael Jackson)? Trust me, whatever your color, there is someone out there that is checking for you. I know light-skinned guys that exclusively date dark-skinned women and I also know the opposite to be true. This is what I like to call the "evening-out the baby" theory. Before you start giggling, just take a look at the black couples the next time you are out on the town and see if this theory isn't validated.

A very bad habit that I picked up during my sales career is constantly eavesdropping on other people's conversations. It used to come in handy, especially if one of your competitors was in the doctor's office. I was once eavesdropping on this conversation in which this woman stated that she didn't think she had yet reached the level of being a "true African." Like true Africaness was some level of Super Mario Brothers that you can achieve by defeating King Koopa and rescuing the princess. I almost burst out laughing in one my "Negro please" moments because I was thinking to myself that you will never be a true African if you were born in America. Oh, you may have African roots; but don't get it twisted, the white guy from Zimbabwe is more African than you. Once again, why not just be happy with the person that are?

But back to the dating life, it seems like there is a backlash against light-skinned girls with long hair. They have become the fashionable, easy targets of ridicule like Big Tobacco, fast food, and corporate CEOs. Okay, maybe not that bad, but you wouldn't believe some of the conversations and comments that I've heard both directly and when exercising my bad habit. What? Light-skinned girls don't need love too? Why should a guy be made to feel guilty if that is his preference? As I stated in the "Get Yours Edition", if that is what he likes then he is not going to be happy with anything less than the genuine article, so let it go.

As someone who likes to consider himself dark and chocolaty, although most people would say I'm more Milky Way than Hershey's Extra Dark; I can say that I really don't have a preference one way or another when it comes to skin color. Like most men, I'm just looking for ATTRACTIVE and the definition of attractive can change for me depending upon the day of the week, the time of day, and what mood you catch me in. I would normally say that I would prefer woman that is like 5'9" or 5'10" (in case you didn't know your writer is 6'5" without shoes), but that does not always hold true. Not that I'm trying to get with her, but to be honest the most attractive person that I have seen lately maybe pushing 5'2", has hair shorter than Halle's and would not have a ghetto onion if she did 300 squats a day. (However, for full disclosure, there was this 5'9" stunner whose life I was trying to weasel my way into, although my advances didn't seem to have been taken seriously. Being humorous does have its downside).

Although it has been scientifically proven that the majority of humans all have the same definition of attractiveness/beauty (it has something to do with how symmetrical a person's features are), symmetry can still be found in a variety of shapes, heights, and hues. Therefore, I implore people to stop being preoccupied with the preferences of the next man or the next woman and to start focusing on what makes them happy.

If someone exclusively likes light-skinned people then that is their prerogative. If they exclusively want to date dark-skinned individuals, again that is their right. I personally find both scenarios to be bordering on idiotic, because you are limiting yourself from large segments of the population and thus from more opportunities to find "The One." However, I refuse to castigate someone for making that decision either. What? Just because someone is light doesn't make them Black too? Heck, even Tiger Woods (whom many Black people have issues with mainly because of his wife) got tied a tree and called a nigger in his youth (at least that's what the story I read on ESPN.com said). He might not be leading rallies and throwing up the Black Power fist in the air and he may he claim to be "Cablasian" or whatever in interviews; but make no mistake, deep down he knows what color he is (or at least the color people perceive him to be). Just because you didn't grow up in the South doesn't mean that you do not know and have not felt the effects of racism; similarly, just because you're not Wesley Snipes dark doesn't mean you're not Black.

I hear folks talking about the only people you see in videos and in commercials are the wavy-haired, light-skinned women whose racial identity is somewhat ambiguous. Commercials and videos acquiesce to whatever is going to move their media numbers, which hopefully will drive individuals to their stores to spend that straight cash. If the individuals in the commercials and videos do not project a positive or desirable image that can be associated with that particular product, then in the words of Ice Cube, "they'll (the advertisers) have a new nigga next year." Remember in the Eighties and early Nineties, when all of the brothers on television looked liked Christopher Williams (of New Jack City "I'm Dreamin" fame)? Now, most of the brothers that you see on television all have that Tyson Beckford thing going on. These things tend to go in cycles as I will illustrate below.

Still referencing the scientific definition of attractiveness above, with strictly the symmetry variable holding constant, the other variables can and will vary. Looking back two to three hundred years ago, what we would now consider fat, borderline obese and pale was the shiznit. Why? Because everyone else was thin and tanned from working outdoors. The only people who were able to stay fat and pale were the affluent class. In 2005, pasty and obese really isn't a good look, but who knows, in another 300 years it could make a comeback. But until then, as I have stated before, put the Twinkie down and slowly back away from the table.

Back to the main topic, the beauty of being Black that very few other groups on this earth enjoy is the wide spectrum of colors that are represented. It is a veritable hue smorgasbord. If you want it, we got it. So once again, why all of the hate and why all of the animosity because one person prefers certain characteristics over another? If you were attempting to get with them, then I can understand a little hatin'. Nobody likes it when someone else gets something they want or worse yet feel like they deserve (I'd hate too, but there is a way to do it. I call it "New-Age Player Hatin" remind me to explain it in a future edition), but you suck it up and you move on. Whatever you do, do not fixate. I cannot tell you how many times (well, I guess actually I can because I've written about many them in this column over the years) that someone that I was interested in chose someone else. However you lament a little bit, cry if you must, piece your face back together, and keep on truckin'. In time you will realize that there is someone else out there that has many, if not more, of the same qualities that you hold so dear.

--AIR © 2005