The Rattlesnake's Bite (Archived December 2000)

You know it seems like for the longest that the ol' Rattlesnake has been absent from cyberspace. Well you can attribute that to Susanna Blumenthal and Bruce Frier and their healthy communication of various legal doctrine. Anyway, with Gerald organizing the new site and all, and as unaccustomed to e-mail communication as Fountain is, let me attempt to contribute some pearls of knowledge:



OH, HELL YEAH!!! Damn right, I'm through with 1/6 of this hellacious experience call law school, and damn if it I let the words of some wig-wearing, black robe wearing sumbitches get the best of me. I've temporarily escapes to the warm confines of Miami, and let me assure you it's as shitty as it was when I left. Which brings me to my next point, when the hell did it become legal to allow temperatures below -20? I mean what the hell. I can’t even drive through this crap some days. In short, like I told somebody else, somebody find Chicken Little and plant a foot up her ass, because that heifer ain’t doing her damn job!

On to the news:
What the hell is with Al Gore? First, he’s tonguing down his wife, then after he concedes, the bastard is half-drunk at the party. Somebody tell Al that it’s a little too late for that shit. If he had been molesting women and getting drunk earlier in life, then maybe he’d be President-Elect (just ask G-Dub).

Speaking of George, I don’t know about Man of the Year, but if you think he should be Jackass of the Year, gimme a "Hell Yeah!"

Following the sentiments of J. Jackson, Rae Carruth is going to fry like bacon and eggs. I haven’t had much experience in practical law, but I don’t think it’s smart to cover up one crime with another. "Rae didn’t order a hit on Sherika, this was just a drug deal gone bad". Brilliant move, jackass. If Carruth does get off, guess what high yella bastard will be investigated by the DEA. Maybe still time he can find a better hiding place than in a trunk in backwater Tennessee.

Why are the dumb ass Redskins just that…DUMB. First you got a cross between Ross Perot and Joseph Stalin as the owner. This meely-mouth jackass don’t know a post route (I’ll refuse the obvious Terrell Buckley joke) from a Post-brand cereal. "Norv will be here for a long time". Long time my ass, long enough until he pisses me off is more like it. And then Robiskie’s bitch ass can’t move his desk without permission. Why don’t you ask the bastard when you can take a piss too Terry, you bitch. Your ass is fired and a win against shitty ass Arizona ain’t gonna change that. Let me get this straight, Westbrook beat the hell out of Stephen Davis, Connell gets up in Robiskie’s face, LaVar Arrington’s dumb ass can’t count, Jeff George is still a bitch and Bruce and Deion are each lobbying to get the other kicked off the team. Jesus Christ, this is why steel cage matches were invented. I say have a Texas Death Match, Loser-Leaves-Town. Then maybe the only sorry bastards worth worrying about in Washington will be at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Why the hell is Robert Downey, Jr. still allowed to walk around freely. This idiot has spent more time behind bars than a skinny man trying to bench-press 300 lbs. Clearly Bobby doesn’t appreciate the concept of personal autonomy. Fine, lock his ass up and melt down the damn key. And while your at it, throw Strawberry’s delinquent ass in there too. Ahh, boo if you want, you know I’m right. Darryl is another one who doesn’t seem to understand right from wrong. I’ll spare you from my normal plea to reinstate the Code of Hammurabi, but I say Darryl, Downey, Iverson, Bam Morris, Tyson and, for God’s sake LAWRENCE PHILLIPS, all belong in the same cell, in the same Death Match, at the same time. Fuck it, make these jokers stand in a bathtub, hold hands and toss in a toaster. Problem solved.

Now you really didn’t think I could just pass over ol Larry with just a nominal mention. Anh-Anh, that just ain’t gon do it. Now let’s retrace what we know of Larry…forget it, let’s get to the good stuff. Come on, just like the Count used to do on Sesame Street… BANG (one mailbox), BANG (two mailboxes) BANG (three hard ass, metal, cement-laid mailboxes) HAHAHAHA! The recipe here is simple: Take 1 crazy bastard from Compton and 1 Betty. Add in one row of mailboxes, a Fiesta Bowl National Championship game and a bad temper, and you have an acquittal. Take away the Bowl game, add some NFL Europe experience and a hard head, and you have THE SAME CRAZY BATSARD DOING THE SAME SHIT!!! I’m glad this fucker can’t cut it in the NFL because now his freedom is NFL, Not For Long. See ya Larry, you sick fuck.
Since I did mention Tyson, I might as well say it… SAVAGE.

Well, I’m about through for now. I got some leisure time to catch up to before it’s back to the Winter Wonderland. That’s all I gotta say about that and that’s the bottom line, ‘cause I said so.
"How do I feel? Hell son, I feel like I do any other day in my life, I feel like whipping somebody’s ass!" - Stone Cold Steve Austin

(If everybody else can put in quotes, then dammit, so can I!)

That's All I have to Say About that (the Original)

In an effort to give Gerald some content for his upcoming web page (and keep myself from being bored at work while by bosses are in Mexico, the bastards) I have decided to send out some of my thoughts which will center on two main subjects:

Ray Carruth is going to fry

Shit that’s pissing me off.

Ray Carruth is going to fry: First off what was this nigga thinking I mean he killed his girl just so he wouldn’t have to pay child support. Apparently he’s never heard of the concept of a dead beat dad ( for those of you having a tough time with this concepts dead beat dads are guys who just don’t pay child support because they don’t feel like it.). I mean if you don’t pay at worst you end up with your face plastered on some public access cable channel that only Rico and Fountain watch and at best you don’t pay, the concept seems simple enough to me.

Secondly, when you try to flee from the police please run farther than one state over and try not to call your mother who is sure to rat you out and finally, hiding in the trunk of your car and closing your eyes will not make the cops go away ( that only works for five year olds and monsters). While I’m on the subject of trunks I often sit back and wonder what the nice FBI agent must have said when he found Carruth in the trunk and the only thing that comes to mind is "Damn you are one dumb Nigga" or "Man you run a 4.3 and got moves for days, the least you could have done was try to escape so we could shoot you or something".

Now I know that as people of color we have been known to be accused of crimes we didn’t commit and typically I’ll take the innocent until proven guilty stance or the conspiracy stance (see O.J. Trial) but Ray Carruth is going to fry just because he’s dumb. I mean Ray if you are going to have the girl shot you really don’t have to be present at the shooting because the cops really will call you after the fact. Additionally, Ray when you go to the hospital please make an attempt to cry at least in front of the girls family. Oh yeah and when your calling your boys to set up the shooting use a pay phone you DUMB FUCK those calls are a lot harder to trace than your own personal cell phone.

Lastly, who’s the dumb ass defense lawyer who took this case? I mean your only defense is that Ray Carruth was going to make over $1 million last year so he had no reason to kill her. Now I agree with that logic which makes me wonder why Ray felt like he needed to kill her. I mean O.J., I could understand why he killed Nicole basically if you buy your wife some new breast implants you’re not going to like letting other kids play with them. But Ray all you had to do was take the Nigga approach and say "That shit ain’t mine" case closed, delima over, no child support to pay. Lastly let me just say that next time Ray decides to go out and have a girl killed one of his friends need to tell him to consult O.J. the Ramsey family or any of the Kennedy’s.

Shit that pisses me off:
1.) Little Japanese muther fuckers who for some reason can’t put Playstation 2 together fast enough so that there will be more than ten of them in this country to buy.

2.) Little kids below the age of eight who keep kicking my ass in Madden 2001 at Best Buy (I have to play Playstation 2 there because I don’t have one).

3.) Looking at my big ass tv with no fucking Playstation 2.

4.) The fact that I can’t find Money Train on DVD in Dallas, I mean a brother is trying to get his Lopez fix and shit just isn’t working out.

5.) The fact that Oscar De La Hoya has an album. Some body needs to kick his ass. Oh yeah that’s why he has an album. Well somebody needs to kick his ass again.

6.) The fact that Robert Downey Jr., ODB, and Darrel Strawberry can’t seem to stay sober.
Vibe and their Shitty Ass staff. Nelly chosen as the best new artist of the year. I remember when Vibe was a black magazine and now I’m not sure. The Back Street Boy are probably on next months cover. This shit makes me sick.

7.) The fact that Jet Magazine reads like a golden book for kids and the news is always at least a month late even though the magazine is bi-weekely. That must be some sort of black thing that I just don’t understand. I mean white people don’t stand for shit like that. What do you think they would say if they were just now getting Jenifer Aniston and Brad Pitt’s wedding pictures in People?

8.) The fact that George Bush is President

9.) The fact that I had to explain to my boss and various others how FAMU’s basketball team lost by 75 point to the Univesity of Florida. I really think that next time we should have to beat at least 5 high school teams in the state of Florida before we take on the big boys. By the way I think that at best those sorry ass player beat 2 out of the 5 teams.

10.) The fact that Terry Robiski needs to ask Snyder if he can move his desk. Come on man have some self respect.

11.) The fact that although BET is now owned by white people I am still forced to watch infomercials on Saturday and Sunday. Since its all one company now they could at least bring Ananda back for teen summit so that I have something to look at.

Oh yeah and before I go……For all of you Washington fans out there who thought that you were going to be in Tampa Bay in January, or thought that Jordan was the answer, you better start pulling for the Mystics if you want to see a championship in your town. I mean first Jack Kent Cook dies and now this, an owner with a temper and a hatred for kickers, a team over the 2001 salary cap, a coach who has to ask to move his desk and a team the is sure to be home for the holidays that’s the type of shit I love. Peace

Mr.. Fountain's Neighborhood (Archived July 2000)

It's a shitty ass day in my neighborhood
A shitty ass day in my neighborhood.
Won't you get the hell out of my face
Just get the hell out of my way
I hate everybody And that's includes you
So just what the fuck Are you doing to do?
It's a shitty ass day in my neighborhood
A shitty ass day in my neighborhood.
Won't you get the hell out of my face
Just get the hell out of my way Fuck you, neighbor!

Welcome to Mr. Fountain's neighborhood on the PBS channel (Plain and Basically Shitty). I ain't interested in helping any fucking kids learn how to read or anything... that's what porn magazines are for (Come on Johnny, sounds like Delores). What's more, I don't have a fucking array of sweaters that would put me in line to be the next king of Jell-O Pudding.

Today in Mr. Fountain's Neighborhood, we're going to talk about 'bastards'. Can you say bastards? Sure, I knew you could.

The first bastards Mr. Fountain has on his mind are certain slothful and lackadaisical bastards that sit on the highest (and shittiest) of seven hills. The type of bastards that won't send Mr. Fountain his degrees although there isn't a problem. Oh wait, there is a problem, they're bastards. So what does Mr. Fountain plan to do? Can you say 'another crazy ass white man lurking in Lee Hall, except his time he's was paid?' Sure, I knew you could.

Another usage of the word bastard comes in describing the type of bastards who would actually make it conceivable so a certain arrogant-ass intern (no names needed) could come in a 10 and leave at 3 (make that 2). What the fuck? Where's the learning, where's the commitment, WHERE'S MY FUCKING DEGREE? SOMEBODY GET MY PISTOL! Oops, Mr. Fountain, apologizes. Can you say 'impulse control problem'? Sure, I knew you could.

In further discussing bastards, Mr. Fountain would like to address the sports world. Know let Mr. Fountain be the first to say, that's he loves a monopoly (hang in there Microsoft), but why is it that only 6 or 7 teams have a chance at winning the World Series? Look at last year's champ, the fucking Yankees (God knows, I hate the fucking Yankees). These bastards have just traded for everybody and their dog. Why would you trade with the fucking Yankees? Have they not won e-fucking-nough titles? Why make the fucking problem worse? Glenallen Hill, Mike Bordick, David Justice, Outlaws' Justice, Billy the Kid.. OH IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO THE FUCKING YANKEES TRADED FOR! The fucking Yankees have had more turnover than Jasmin St. Claire trying to break another fuck record. Sorry, you might get the impression that today's word is fucking, but it's not. I just hate the fucking Yankees. The only title I'm interested in for the fucking Yankees (which is their official name) is the title of my ass, so they can kiss it. Hey David Cone, can you say 'rotator cuff surgery' and 'put out to pasture'. Well who fucking cares if you can or can't, 'cause Mr. Fountain can say 'high ass ERA'.

In keeping with the sports world, and bastards at hand, let Mr. Fountain talk about an old bastard. If Mr. Fountain said take Methuselah, cross him with a grizzly bear, some holy water and a pair of football cleats, what would you get? That's right, Reggie White. What the fuck is he doing back? Who appointed this bastard the Savior of the NFL? He wants to make an impression on the league's moral character, huh? Well if Reggie wants to be a true savior, then he should follow like his buddy Jesus, and proceed to re-enact the whole scenario. Fountain as Pontius Pilate (for obvious reasons), random offensive linemen as the Romans who torture him (they got to be tired of his ass by now), Bruce Smith as Judas (Bruce would be considered the best lineman if it weren't for the old Bear), Brandy (yes, Brandy) as Mary. That's right, I just voted Brandy Most Likely to be a Prostitute if sent back in time a few thousand years. Besides, whose fucking neighborhood is this? Finally Mr. Fountain says cast Jerry Rice as Barabbus. Not 'cause I plan on letting him go for Reggie, but so I can build another cross and keep his stinkin' ass on it. Fuck you Jerry. You bastard. Retire. Besides, I heard Jerry grew up in a shack somewhere in the Delta of Mississippi. He should be used to all that damn wood and punishment. Can you say 'go get me a switch'. Sure, I knew you could.

Well, it's time for Mr. Fountain to go. But he sure as hell ain't going to work. Less than a month til Mr. Fountain gets to his new neighborhood, Ann Arbor. Be sure to check your inboxes for the special snowed-in, Winter version of Mr. Fountain Neighborhood, entitled "This Shitty and Cold, Damn!". Come on, now let's sing the song again: It's a shitty ass day in my neighborhood A shitty ass day in my neighborhood. Won't you get the hell out of my face Just get the hell out of my way I hate everybody And that's includes you So just what the fuck Are you doing to do? It's a shitty ass day in my neighborhood A shitty ass day in my neighborhood. Won't you get the hell out of my face Just get the hell out of my way Fuck you, neighbor! Mr. Fountain's Neighborhood is brought to you by the word 'bastard' and the letters F and U.

Mr.. Fountain's Neighborhood "I hate LA" (Archived June 2000)

All, I think now is the time to place the proverbial salt into the wound of those no good, stinking-ass, womanizing purple and gold-clad bastards. No, I'm not referring to the Q's this time. I'm talking about the fucking Lakers. As I enjoy this sure to be short-lived Pacer victory, let me run down some key players on the roster:

#32 Shaquille O'Neal aka The Big Bastard. This huge ton o' fun mother fucker is notorious for throwing bows, traveling, dunking, having the worst monotone voice this side of David Duchovny and being the MVP (Most Voracious Predator). Yes, in addition to making sexual overtone to Britney Spears amongst other young-uns, Shaq Daddy is the proud father of a bouncing 5 month-old baby boy. (And he's sure to bounce off the damn floor if he ever gets in Daddy's way at the dinner table)

#5 Robert Horry aka Bob Horry This two-time NBA Champion, apparently pissed off because it is no longer 1995 (i.e. Olajuwon is an athritic piece of shit now), has recently been seen talking trash and trying to intimidate other players. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but the threats are with his play and not a demand to be traded to the team of whomever he's talking to. Would you want this flimsy bastard in your uniform. I think not.

#17 Rick "I Can't Wait To Go Home" Fox As indicated by his nickname, this former Tarheel seems presently unconcerned with his occupation these days. That is of course, unless you consider laying the pipe to Vanessa on the regular something to aspire to on Career Day. Fox has been noted lately, like Bob, instigating physical confrontations, taking wild shots, getting kicked out of games and most notably trying to enact legislation to shorten the length of current NBA games. During his moments of time off the court but still in uniform, Fox can be heard humming bars from "Kumbiya" and "Let My People Go"

#4 Ron Harper aka The Collector 1 Harper is known as the collector, a wild species of athlete roaming nomadically throughout the league in search of championship rings (see Deion Sanders) This grubby old bastard is about to collect yet his fourth such piece of jewelry. Ironically, enough Harper cites his good fortune not as a result of Michael Jordan and Phil Jackson, but of his new-found literacy skills. "I's bees a fo-time champeeun!!"

#16 John "Spider" Salley aka The Collector 2 Yes, it took some research on Fountain's part to find Old Spider number, simply because this bastard doesn't play. Yet he's still has more championship rings than number of times AC Green has said the word "pussy". OK, maybe that's not fair. I have more feet than number of times AC has said "pussy". I should re-name Salley Collector 2&3. Don't forget this lanky sumbitch, played for the Pistons and Bulls during the glory years.

#2 Derek "I Suck" Fisher No real commentary here. I just wanted to say that Fisher sucks.

....and what everybody's been waiting for... at Guard, from Lower Merion High School in Pennsylvania, 6 foot 6

#8 Kobe Bryant. (Hee Hee Hee) I'll give Kobe his props. The boy doesn't shoot wildly nearly as much as he used to. He's more under control, he passes, he plays good D, he passes, he tried to beat Chris Childs' ass, and did I mention he passes now. I feel sorry for Kobe. Can you imagine a worst fate than having to play with the motley crew that i just listed? I can. HOW ABOUT YOU GET ENGAGED TO SOME FUCKING 18 YEAR OLD BETTY, JESSICA, KATEY, SUSAN, OH I'T DOESN'T MATTER WHAT HER NAME IS!!

So the bitch's name is Vanessa Laine. Well, it ought to be Lois Lane, because that heffer brought down a notable public figure as well (see Superman 2) Kobe, what the hell is wrong with you boy? Don't you know about the tales of pussy (I'm sorry AC) on the road. Shit, big ass Magic (who has the best medicine money can buy) is right there in the front office. Why doesn't he do something. We all know Magic used to get his share of pussy. Hell, Magic got his share and the next four or five mother fucker's share of pussy. Talk some sense into the boy Magic. And let's not talk about James Worthy's trickin' ass. Big Game James may never make it to the Hall of Fame now. Fuck the fact they might not let him in, he may just not make it. James could fall the fuck out with all the miscellaneous pussy he used to get. Magic had groupies, James had groups of anything homo sapien with a vagina. James could possibly have a damn STD no one has ever heard of. That is with the possible exception of Captain James T. Kirk. She may be kinda cute but Kobe could do better. Hell at least wait a little longer. Get to know the bitch, and no having cookies and milk with her ass doesn't count. How the fuck do you go from having Tyra's fine ass (and I mean ASS) in the damn video (don't get me started on that shit) to this bitch? Kobe,Kobe, Kobe. I hope the brother's foot is only a minor injury. Kobe hasn't even signed the big-ass contract yet. It'd be a damn shame for the bitch to get half of what he's got now. And she will get half, because this shit ain't gonna last and California doesn't play that shit. She just may take Kobe for everything he's got. When it's all said and done, Kobe may wear #4. Not to start a new identity or anything, but the bitch may take half of his number too. And what the hell is with that fucking animal-ass hat she had on? Somebody do me a favor check the Daniel Boone and Davy Crockett Memorabilia section at K-Mart.

Oh well I've rambled long enough. The fucking Lakers are still gonna win. Kobe's still gonna get married...and taken for all he's fucking worth, and I'm still in white fucking suburbia. Come on now, everybody all at once...THIS SHITTY!!! The opinions expressed by Fountain may not necessarily reflect those of society in general, but they damn well should. Fuck society, they can't kick my ass!