The Rattlesnake's Bite (Archived December 2000)

You know it seems like for the longest that the ol' Rattlesnake has been absent from cyberspace. Well you can attribute that to Susanna Blumenthal and Bruce Frier and their healthy communication of various legal doctrine. Anyway, with Gerald organizing the new site and all, and as unaccustomed to e-mail communication as Fountain is, let me attempt to contribute some pearls of knowledge:



OH, HELL YEAH!!! Damn right, I'm through with 1/6 of this hellacious experience call law school, and damn if it I let the words of some wig-wearing, black robe wearing sumbitches get the best of me. I've temporarily escapes to the warm confines of Miami, and let me assure you it's as shitty as it was when I left. Which brings me to my next point, when the hell did it become legal to allow temperatures below -20? I mean what the hell. I can’t even drive through this crap some days. In short, like I told somebody else, somebody find Chicken Little and plant a foot up her ass, because that heifer ain’t doing her damn job!

On to the news:
What the hell is with Al Gore? First, he’s tonguing down his wife, then after he concedes, the bastard is half-drunk at the party. Somebody tell Al that it’s a little too late for that shit. If he had been molesting women and getting drunk earlier in life, then maybe he’d be President-Elect (just ask G-Dub).

Speaking of George, I don’t know about Man of the Year, but if you think he should be Jackass of the Year, gimme a "Hell Yeah!"

Following the sentiments of J. Jackson, Rae Carruth is going to fry like bacon and eggs. I haven’t had much experience in practical law, but I don’t think it’s smart to cover up one crime with another. "Rae didn’t order a hit on Sherika, this was just a drug deal gone bad". Brilliant move, jackass. If Carruth does get off, guess what high yella bastard will be investigated by the DEA. Maybe still time he can find a better hiding place than in a trunk in backwater Tennessee.

Why are the dumb ass Redskins just that…DUMB. First you got a cross between Ross Perot and Joseph Stalin as the owner. This meely-mouth jackass don’t know a post route (I’ll refuse the obvious Terrell Buckley joke) from a Post-brand cereal. "Norv will be here for a long time". Long time my ass, long enough until he pisses me off is more like it. And then Robiskie’s bitch ass can’t move his desk without permission. Why don’t you ask the bastard when you can take a piss too Terry, you bitch. Your ass is fired and a win against shitty ass Arizona ain’t gonna change that. Let me get this straight, Westbrook beat the hell out of Stephen Davis, Connell gets up in Robiskie’s face, LaVar Arrington’s dumb ass can’t count, Jeff George is still a bitch and Bruce and Deion are each lobbying to get the other kicked off the team. Jesus Christ, this is why steel cage matches were invented. I say have a Texas Death Match, Loser-Leaves-Town. Then maybe the only sorry bastards worth worrying about in Washington will be at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Why the hell is Robert Downey, Jr. still allowed to walk around freely. This idiot has spent more time behind bars than a skinny man trying to bench-press 300 lbs. Clearly Bobby doesn’t appreciate the concept of personal autonomy. Fine, lock his ass up and melt down the damn key. And while your at it, throw Strawberry’s delinquent ass in there too. Ahh, boo if you want, you know I’m right. Darryl is another one who doesn’t seem to understand right from wrong. I’ll spare you from my normal plea to reinstate the Code of Hammurabi, but I say Darryl, Downey, Iverson, Bam Morris, Tyson and, for God’s sake LAWRENCE PHILLIPS, all belong in the same cell, in the same Death Match, at the same time. Fuck it, make these jokers stand in a bathtub, hold hands and toss in a toaster. Problem solved.

Now you really didn’t think I could just pass over ol Larry with just a nominal mention. Anh-Anh, that just ain’t gon do it. Now let’s retrace what we know of Larry…forget it, let’s get to the good stuff. Come on, just like the Count used to do on Sesame Street… BANG (one mailbox), BANG (two mailboxes) BANG (three hard ass, metal, cement-laid mailboxes) HAHAHAHA! The recipe here is simple: Take 1 crazy bastard from Compton and 1 Betty. Add in one row of mailboxes, a Fiesta Bowl National Championship game and a bad temper, and you have an acquittal. Take away the Bowl game, add some NFL Europe experience and a hard head, and you have THE SAME CRAZY BATSARD DOING THE SAME SHIT!!! I’m glad this fucker can’t cut it in the NFL because now his freedom is NFL, Not For Long. See ya Larry, you sick fuck.
Since I did mention Tyson, I might as well say it… SAVAGE.

Well, I’m about through for now. I got some leisure time to catch up to before it’s back to the Winter Wonderland. That’s all I gotta say about that and that’s the bottom line, ‘cause I said so.
"How do I feel? Hell son, I feel like I do any other day in my life, I feel like whipping somebody’s ass!" - Stone Cold Steve Austin

(If everybody else can put in quotes, then dammit, so can I!)