The Rattlesnake's Bite (Archived May 2002)

Hey Yo,I Hate This GameFinally with some time for recreation on my hands, I can sat on my ass and some basketball.

I'm feeling like a kid again because what I'm seeing is a flashback to back in the dayLakers vs. Celtics. Growing up a Showtime fan, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'd actually root for Boston.

Fuck The Lakers, I'm sick of this shit. Between The Big Bastard and the Now Slightly-Less Nappy Headed Wonder, it's hard to love L.A. (no, not Lower Alabama). Fuck 'em. They'll win it again, but fuck'em. Pat Riley's stankin' ass is getting ready to make some more loot with the whole 3-peat shit, but I'm about to file paperwork to get trademark protection on 4-peat, quad-peat, cuatro-peat and the fuckin Lakers did it again-peat. What truly pisses me off about the playoffs though is those stupid ass commercials with everybody posing with the Championship trophy. Baron Davis, Dirk Nowitzki, Tracy McGrady, Jason Kidd, every-damn-body. Well hold it, hug it, kiss it, look at it like a piece of ass, cause guess what, that's as close as you'll get to the damn thing. You didn't see Kobe acting all stupid around the trophy. Nah, that nigga was shining it up and checking out his reflection. That shit might as well been a crystal ball Bcause it's staying in LA this year and next, at least (that is, if Ain't Shit Ass Devon George and Lindsay Hunter don't royally fuck the shit up).

The Straw That Stirs the Heroin Before You Load It Into the Syringe and Shoot It Into Your Arm: Another thing reminding me of my youth is the fact that Darryl Strawberry is still strung out. Only now the difference is that FINALLY, THAT BASTARD IS BEHIND BARS. OH, HELL YEAH!!! Some might say it's petty to take pleasure in another's misfortune, I say kiss my ass. It's been a long time coming. This motherfucker should have been eating bread and water a long damn time ago. Maybe he'll finally act right, but I don't care, I've wanted this shit for a long time. If I was the type of cat that believed in Christmas, I'd say it came early. Hell, there go any hopes I had of being a litigator. I wanted to be the DA to put Straw in the clink. Let's see Steinbrenner save your ass now, boy.

Gay Jay: Back to shitty ass basketball and the 2001-02 NCAA Bitch of the Year, Jason Call Me Jay Williams. What the hell! What type of cowardly, craven, hoe-ish, spineless move is this? I want to separate myself from Jayson "Murderer" Williams and Jason "White Chocolate" Williams. That's easy. One is a cripple, shitty and about to be on Death Row and the other is shitty and high. Gay Williams will just be shitty. You see what I'm calling him. I tell you, I missed my calling as a sportswriter or broadcaster.

The Millennium Savage (You knew it was coming): While I'm down at the Trademark Office, I should get some type of protection for my nickname for Tyson too. Like Richard Pryor said, "That Nigga's Crazy". I mean, telling the female reporters he can't give interviews unless he's fucking them. Christ, you don't have to be doing the nasty with a woman to give an interview, be friends or just talk to them (hee, hee). Damn Savage, what are you thinking? Threatening to eat children (and people though Albert Belle was bad), saying he wishes The Sissy Englishman was dead (wait a minute, that may not be such a bad idea), and promising to whip Sissy-Boy's ass. He better damn well deliver bcause them boys is fighting in Memphis and I got even money saying if Savage pulls some of that cannibalism or hitting after the bell and getting DQ'd shit, the gold-tooth having, platinum-wearing, ghetto ass folk in the Dirty is gon get rowdy.

Miscellaneous: It's all in the title, Miscellaneous Mission #3: Operation NO. You know the time and place, and you know the routine. Nuff said.

Speaking of the NO: why is that goddamn Alicia Keys going to have her fucking junior high recital-enacting ass down there. Like I've said before, I'm sick of this heifer. 15 minutes already, shit!

Mike Wilbon: deserves some type of Pulitzer, Nobel Prize or one of Stacey King's Jordan-granted rings for his work on PTI. Dude says everything I would, minus the cursing, but shit, I'm a fucking reasonable man.

Will somebody shorten the fucking baseball season, please.

Spider-Man made how much fucking money in 3 days? (replacing The Rock's movie as #1 at the box office, I might add).

You mean to tell me that some stakin ' ass panda-loving sumbitches are the only WWF and Stone Cold and the boys are now the WWE. Jesus, that trademark case was in England only and there was a fucking appealwhat the hell McMahon! Oh well, same good ass time though and I'm looking forward to getting a shirt that says "Get the F out".Well damn, I should write a book3 guesses as to what the 2-word title would be (sounds like Miss Tity).

This ShittyYours Truly,Big Evil