That's All I Have to Say About That (Archived Jun 2002)

Date: Wed, 26 Jun 2002 15:25:32 -0700 (PDT)
Well it’s time…..I’ve been quiet for long enough and people have been asking why I haven’t had anything to
say lately so here it is:

Jenifer Lopez: While Puffy has denied having anything to do with Ms. Lopez’s recent separation from her husband I would like to take full credit for the break up. You see J-Lo and I have had a little thing going on since her Money Train days and in recent years she has found it hard to be separated from me. She and I will be declaring our nuptials at some future date in a private ceremony which will include a joint marriage with Mr. Fountain and Janet Mrs. Jackson if your nasty (they by the way have also had a long distance relationship that has spanned a number of years).
R Kelly (recipient of the second annual Rae Carruth award): Yeah I know people have already spent time on this but here are a couple of thoughts that I have about the whole thing. When being interviewed by Ed Gorden on BET tonight R Kelly stated "that it wasn’t him on the tape" additionally when asked if he had seen the tape Kelly replied "No". Now wait a fucking minute, it is at this point in the interview that I must commend Ed Gorden for not slapping R. Kelly with his clipboard full of questions and then asking these follow up questions.
ED
1.) So what you are saying is that you didn’t even go check the catalog of R Kelly bump and grind videos to see if one was missing?
2.) How can you prove that it wasn’t you if you haven’t seen the tape?
3.) Shit why don’t you watch the tape?
4.)Hell if you don’t own the tape why don’t you buy the tape, you live in Chicago they probably sell it outside your house? I can only assume that his answers to the questions would have been:
Mr. Kelly
1.) Yeah I checked the catalog and there is nothing missing from my collection including my favorite one in the Kenwood auditorium with a couple of cheerleaders so there is no way that is one of my tapes.
2.) Well the guy on the tape has an Afro and I clearly have corn rolls so there is no way that is me, also Silk freak me is playing in the background and I am more of a Marvin Gaye sexual healing type of guy when it come to the young girls because it reminds them of their fathers. But that being said I haven’t seen the tape.
3.) Look I have sex a lot so I don’t have to watch tapes.
4.) While they are selling it outside my house, I’m waiting for the price to go down, plus I am a firm believer in copyright infringement, because I am an artist, so because of that I am waiting for the official version to be released by Hustler.

R Kelly 2: You know it is at times like this that I am reminded of a quote by Mr. Simon on a given night in B306 "I don’t care what you say a couple of those girls would have got it" that being said it is the job of a man’s friends to keep him from violating the under 18 rule unless he has absolutely no idea and I mean absolutely no idea that the girl is under age. Just think if it hadn’t been for the quick reaction of Mr. Fountain and myself, (I think my quote was "Nigga you’re crazy" and Mr. Fountain’s quote was "Are you fucking kidding me I’m going to my room") who were originally shocked by the young girls appearance at our humble abode, Mr. Simon might be still talking to one of these girls because as we all know he likes to cultivate young minds and develop talent over time. Additionally we know that he consistently over estimates age, for instance that nigga thinks the Olson twins are 21. But ultimately we can stand secure in knowing that it would never have come to an R Kelly situation because while some people(Big Mike) are know to close deals other are know to drop the ball and add numbers to an ever growing list. We know what kind of nigga Mr. Simon is and even though stick-um is outlawed in the NFL we are condoning the use of it for his specific case.

Doug Christie (winner of the first annual H.G. Tate "all I want is a glass of lemonade" award): Lets just talk for a second about Doug Christie who as many of you may know plays for the Sacramento Kings. Well I don’t know if you noticed but this Nigga often kisses his fingers and points to the sky 40 to 60 times during the course of a game. While a nigga like me just though that the brother was calling defensive and offensive plays this is just a camouflaged way to show that the nigga is whipped. Here are some further examples from a recent article that demonstrates that Doug Christie's wife is wearing the pants in the family and that he most certainly is the NBA player most likely to need Jason Kid to lay the smack down for him.

1.) "with few exceptions, Doug Christie does no look at other women avoiding dialogue or even direct contact" Well what if Tyra Banks is at the game can he look at her because I think he should be allowed to look at her.
2.) "The Christies remarry every year on their anniversary not a mere renewal of their wedding vows but an actual wedding replete with friends family cake and a reception" Who the fuck are the friend that attend this wedding nigga you better start giving me gifts if you want me to keep coming to this shit.
3.) "Mrs. Christie attends 25-30 of the Kings road games always riding on the team charter" Are you kidding me how the fuck are the other guys supposed to get the groupies on the plane if this chick is always around. Look can’t Chris "I don’t want the ball in crunch time/time-out calling bastard" Webber take a stand and say that there is no way he is going to be able to mess with Ananda and Tyra at the same time if Christie’s wife is around because hater-aid spills over to other nigga’s girls, groupies and wives. My basic belief is that Chris should be allowed to do this not only for himself but for all mankind. Besides if all the team wives traveled on the team plane Niggas like Shawn ("I smoke crack and eat donuts at the same time") Kemp wouldn’t be allowed to have 9 kids by 8 different women (I know there is a wife in there somewhere).

Valet Parking: Now I know that over time I have made different statements about different aspects of the Dallas culture but let me just tell you about the one aspect of this world (yeah I said it) called Dallas that makes me want to start shooting people. Apparently here in Dallas people can’t park their cars by themselves. I know you can’t believe it but look with all the leased Benzes and Beamers that is a risk that people just can’t take, I mean sliding a car in between two yellow or white lines without hitting another car. That is just too much of a liability risk. So as a result restaurants, malls, clubs and hospital (yeah they got them there too) block off their entire parking lot so that skilled parkers like myself have to pay the bastards in a red coats to take my car and park it around the corner because it is not a benze or beamer and can not under any circumstances be seen in front of the establishment. First off let me just say the only valet that should exist at a Hospital is the one that you get at the emergency room when the driver parks the ambulance. Secondly, fuck Enron, fuck Arthur Anderson, fuck World Comm congress needs to investigate why a nigga with a drivers license can’t park his fucking car in a space by himself in Dallas. I am convinced that fucking little George W. had something to do with this shit. Lastly if I see another nigga (white or black) in a red coat standing in front of a parking lot blocked off by orange cones I am going to hit that bitch with my car and claim that I though he was trying to car jack me.

The dirty South: The city of New Orleans needs to watch out because the boy are coming next week for the Essence Fest so if you got a "Nice Hat" don’t wear it, if you are Asian and under 40 a nigga named Big Mike would like to speak to you, if you are wondering why that nigga by the bar looks so angry it is because he likes to look angry, if you see a nigga in a bright pink tie-die dress shirt that means Antwoine still thinks the shirt is cool even after being clowned by the waitress at the casino last year, if you happen to be staring at a black dude from Georgia across the club stop it because I don’t care how long you stare he just ain’t coming over to talk to you, and if anybody has found Gerald’s glasses please return them to the Hotel Monteleone front desk. And that my friends is all I have to say about that