TDRS-THE DUMB THINGS BROTHAS SAY EDITION

What up FAM! Holla at yo folk. Once again it’s on and your boy ThatDamnRicSimon is at it “one mo gin” for the second consecutive week. Before I spit that insanity, I’d like to personally thank everyone who responded to the TDRS from last week. It makes me feel really good to hear the thoughts of my “folk”, so keep em comin. I got a couple of shoutouts before I hit you with some fire:

Mitchell I like the title of the book “What’s the Point, She Aint A Dime Anyway”. That is hot! Let’s get it to the presses.
Jamal, “Ace Custus” (a former point guard on the Tennessee Vols women’s B-Ball team for those wondering) has nothing on the Providence Girl. Ha!

Now last week’s TDRS delved into the stupid things that women say. As promised, I’ll try to tackle the ultra-sensitive subject of the dumb things we men say. Now it is common knowledge amongst the womenfolk that men don’t really “say” very much to begin with right? ”We don’t share our feelings and thoughts” and all that jazz. Anyway, when we do say things, it’s usually pretty short, so putting together a list of dumb things we say was a tad bit difficult. However, I can quickly put together a number of dumb, or better yet “Shady” things we do. Enjoy!

“Huh”??
Ladies I am sure you have heard this one a thousand times. You ask a question and your man gives you that one word reply….”huh”. Many of you ladies feel that it’s one of those I didn’t hear you responses, so you repeat it in the hopes of getting a real answer. Only, huh is followed by an even more incriminating “huh”. The second “huh” is also known as the “I can’t believe you asked me that….what, do you not trust me?” statement.

Ladies, I’ll let you in only a little secret, when men say “huh” it more likely than not means you caught us off guard. The “huh” response is more a man asking himself, “why did she ask me this?” or better yet “what made her ask me this?”. When we say “huh” we are thinking about the source of your question and not how to really answer your question. For example let’s take the classic “Where were you yesterday when I called?” question. Simple question, right? Well for men it’s not so simple. A few seconds usually pass and during this time we know we need to say something quick to buy more time to think of really good answer.

“I thought”?
The “huh” response is a perfect segue to another response we give, the “I thought” response. Here is a pretty good list of the “I thought” responses. “I thought”:

(i) you were asleep, so I didn’t call last night.
(ii) you were going to call me back.
(iii) we were just kicking it and not in a relationship
(iv) I told you about her

It’s amazing but we often use the “I thought” response right after the “huh”. Continuing with the example above, let’s just say that a guy has already used the first and second “huh” response. Women are usually upset after the second “huh” and then proceed to say “You heard me, …answer my question”. Our response is usually the “I thought” or better yet the classic…….

……“I didn’t know”?
This isn’t a surprise to anyone, but brothas REALLY do know.

“That’s cool I can wait”
I am laughing out loud on this one. Any man that says this is (i) stupid and (ii) probably lying (I said probably here b/c there are some “strange’ brotha’s out there who really believe they can). Ladies, don’t believe the hype on this one. I don’t have a problem with brothas saying this; I just think you should first test if he wants “it” in the first place. Don’t become a “DL” tragedy…….you’ll be the next fool on Oprah saying “I didn’t know”. It is true to some extent that we can wait b/c it is highly likely that we are standing in line someplace else where the wait is not as long!

“She’s cute”
Ladies when you ask guys that stupid question of “what do you think of my friend such and such” and the first thing we say is that she’s cute, watch out. We really think she’s an 8.5 and would gladly invite her over to play twister at the house warming party.

“You got any Pictures”
Don’t be fooled into thinking we want to see pics of you. We REALLY want to see pics of your girls, just to see what we are dealing with. Some of us want to see pics of the Mom, b/c we want to make sure whatever you “did get from yo Mamma” will still be nice in 20 years.

Enough of the things we say and what we really mean. Let’s move on to some of the really shady things we do and the CLEAR meaning behind those actions. I’ll first begin with the “it’s the thought that counts theory”. Ladies men love this saying because it gives us every reason in the world to be lazy and be the most non-creative guy you ever met. The examples below should help you decide if your new guy is Mr. Right.

The Valentines Day “Card”
If you’ve been dating a guy for lets say six months and you get a card on valentines day that doesn’t have a lick of red, no sight of hearts and could basically pass as “a sending our deepest regrets on your great uncle June-Bug’s death” sympathy card, then I am going to step out on a limb and say “HE DOESN’T REALLY CARE FOR YOU”.

The Christmas/Birthday Card
The true test to see if he is really into you is the Christmas or Birthday Card. If you get a card that is pre-written and he doesn’t sign off with a heart, smiley face, miss you, love you (heaven forbid after six months of dating), or something other than using the standard Merry Christmas or Happy Birthday, then once again “HE DOESN’T WANT YOU!”

1-800 Flowers/FTD
Brothas, I hate to go here, but I must. Ladies when you get flowers, don’t fall into the “it was the thought that counts trap”, especially on those days where you are supposed to get flowers. Completely spontaneous actions are excluded from this discussion. Anyway, if you receive flowers on one of the special female “holidays” (I’ll be discussing this crap in an upcoming TDRS) you should not believe the hype. The flowers you got are probably the same flowers that went to Mom, the Aunts, the little Sister, and quietly that “other” girl in a different area code. The brotha probably got a package deal and you just happen to be that last “unit” to give him some economies of scale. Shadiness!

The Hand in the Pocket
Classic move! The quickest way to get our playa card revoked is to walk around town or the mall holding hands. The easiest way to prevent this is either (a) walking with you on your right side (brothas don’t believe in holding hands with our left hand, it’s just not natural) or (b) just keeping our right hand in our pocket. If this is your man, then he “AINT” really your man.

The Malcom X –Back Against the Wall Move.
Remember how Brotha Malcom never ate with his back to the window b/c of fear of getting shot. Brothas believe in that too, well sort of. If you go on a date ladies, make sure you sit with your back against the wall b/c that forces us to focus on you and not all of the traffic (i.e. the possible 8.5’s and 9’s) entering the restaurant.

Adjustable Seats
Fellas let’s be smart. When that “other girl” gets out of your vehicle, make sure you adjust the legroom in the car b/4 the “wifey” gets in it. Ladies, if you notice that the leg room of his car is constantly adjusted, you should really ask about who else has been playing DJ in the front seat.

The Phone
I’ve mentioned this in a previous TDRS, but for the sake of all the new female readers, this needs to be revisited. At some point in relationship, women feel or are tempted to check a brotha’s cell phone, scan the incoming calls on the home phone or even worse replay messages on the answering machine. Quick side-note, any dude with an answering machine should have his playa card taken from him immediately! (Mitchell!)

Ladies, brothas aren’t that dumb. I know most of you would never really do these things, especially if you trust us, but do you really trust us? Hell no, so why would we even think that you wouldn’t play out your fantasy of becoming a “C.S.I” detective on us. That said, your man has done everything he can to mitigate this risk. Here is a list of the precautions your man takes. If you recognize any of these, then you have as Martin told Gina,”a true playa from the Himalayas” on your hands.

Everytime he answers his cell phone around you, its one of his boys. Ladies, you know your man knows some females and if he doesn’t then that’s a problem (see the cool I can wait commentary). If he never gets a call on his cell around you from at least some female, then you should be thinking, Why?
Whenever you are over to his place, his home phone never rings. Yeah I know this could really mean that he never uses his home phone and everyone calls him on his cell right? Hmm Huh, keep believing that! If a brotha has a home phone with, voicemail, and caller I.D., then he’s getting calls at home. If the phone never rings when you are there then it could REALLY mean that “someone” else knows you are there. Think about it.

The Alibi
I love this one b/c we always try to have someone vouch for our whereabouts. Fellas, we need to be more skillful when using the alibi. We have to get out of the habit of using our homeboys or even having to use an alibi altogether. Ladies aren’t dumb, they are CLEARLY smarter than us, so don’t try them buy saying “you can ask my boy, he was there with me” line. You got to be a little bit slicker. Try something like…….

……..The Lunch Date
Brothas are always thinking of new ways to beat the system. The movie “Two Can Play At that Game” discussed the whole “I gotta work late excuse” we use. What they didn’t discuss is why a brotha had to work late in the first place! You see, we can do some really shady stuff at work. We can make those phone calls to “her” at work, and that new shit is that we can see her “at work”. It’s called the harmless lunch date. Unless you work in the same building with your man, you have absolutely no idea what he is doing and you can’t prove it. We engage in so much shady activity (like me writing this TDRS at work), that we have to work a bit late just to finish the work we get paid to do. Ladies don’t fear though, if you are an 8.5 and up, then your man is working his butt off at work to get home early. If you are a borderline 7 and below, then you better buy some Tupperware because that warm dinner you made him is going to get cold…..He probably had a pretty big lunch.

Well, that’s all folks for this week. I ‘m in the mood for a bit more, but I am going to save some energy for the ladies again next week when I’ll be discussing the do’s and don’ts of hooking up your friends and the universal ratings scale.

TDRS-THE THAT'S THAT BULLSHIT EDITION

Its yo folk! In this issue of TDRS, I’m coming out hard like MJG and Eightball. Remember 2005 is the year of the LAUGH and that is my goal each time I put my hands on the keyboard.

So I was having a discussion with my friend Spiceda (those in the know call her Spice) the other day about women and relationships. Spice, was really concerned with the best way to let a guy know that she wasn’t interested. Funny, we have all gone through this and over time have become experts of interpreting what is really meant by females. Ladies don’t worry, next week I am sending out things men say and what they really mean. For all the brothas out there here is a list of the dumb things they say. As my boy Jamal would say “That’s That Bullshit” to describe those dumb questions/statements.

“________(fill in your name here), you are a really nice guy.”
We all know that no one ever got booed for singing the gospel song at the Apollo. The performers were consistently bad, yet you never heard a peep from the infamous crowd. Why? Well its because the crowd felt guilty and for some insane reason felt they were booing God. Well, I’m here to tell both men and women to not fall for the gospel routine trap. If that person you meet is sub par, mediocre, or downright a dog, then boo them off the stage. Don’t wait and give them a chance to finish their song because it doesn’t get any better. If you can’t do it yourself, then get a friend to be your “Sand Man” and snag him off the stage. Save the whole you are a nice guy crap, please.

“We are not Spiritually Connected”
I say Lord, Lord , Lord , Lord
I love this one because it is "that bullshit". What does this mean? Last time I checked, there was only one God right? So if you and I believe in that one God, then aren’t we actually connected? Makes sense right? Well for some reason some ladies use this as an excuse to let a brotha down. I mean if you think I am going to hell, then please, just say it! I’ll be okay b/c I got at least two friends (Jamal/Eric) that will be there with me.

“I don’t deserve A Guy Like You”
This is one my favorites. Fellas, if you hear this don’t be discouraged, be happy. She really DOES want you, but she knows that once you find out about her “recent” past or record, you will quickly get out of dodge. Serious skeletons in the closet with these types…..Stay Away.

“Let’s Just Be Friends”
Don’t believe the Chris Rock hype. Contrary to Rock’s belief in the “break glass when ready”, women REALLY only want you as a friend for personal USE. She knows you adore her and it makes her feel so special each time you blow her head up with "sweet nothings". The Bullshit is that you do all of that, be that friend, and at the end of the day what do you get? Nothing, but some sob story about the “other” man who treats her like crap and how she still loves him. That’s That Bullshit! Sidenote One-There are some circumstances where she wants you as a friend, just to hook you up with her friend who is a 5 (1-10 scale) at best.

“Where do you know her from?
A classic question! Fellas, she doesn’t really care where you know her from; she cares about how well you know her, basically did you sleep with her. Okay do you (A) say “I know her from school or (B) say “I know her from back home”? The answer is secret answer (C), you don’t know her! Don’t fall into the trap of trying to explain some new person. With women you have to do what I call the Grandfather Clause. Before you give her the girlfriend or “my girl” title, you need to mention every girl you were, are, and want to be friends with because if some new name comes up after the relationship is consummated, there will be hell to pay.

“Does (insert your best friend’s name here) have a girlfriend?
Again, she is not concerned with your boy’s well being. All she wants to know is if she has to become “CSI” and smell your clothes after you guys hang out together. The answer to this question is ”He’s been dating this girl for awhile andshe’s the best looking girl I’ve ever seen him with”. This response works all the time b/c it gives her the impression that your boy is in or really close to being in a relationship. The second part (the whole good looking thing) offsets any thought that you may be lying, b/c when a guy says someone is pretty cute, especially someone affiliated with his best friend, then the girl must be a keeper, which means your boy will be in a relationship at some point.

“Call Me Later?”
I love this one b/c for her to say this to you she had to have been talking to you at that moment. The big question here is “WHY” do I need to call you later when I am talking to you right now?!!! After years of not understanding, I’ve finally figured it out. “Call me later” is nothing but a “tracking device”. She wants to know where you are at all times and by calling her later, she knows you can’t be up to too much debauchery. Notice the heading is posed as a question and not a sentence. Don’t get caught up fellas and say “ah yeah” or “okay” to this question. To prevent the drama, tell her you will be out with the boys, folks, cousins, whatever. Let her know right then and there that you’ll call tomorrow.

“Can You buy me a drink?”
I really don’t need to discuss this one, but for those of us who like to buy women drinks (Antoine) I need to comment. Any female who asks you to buy her a drink is a 5 at best. She clearly didn’t bring her “A” Game, because if she did, she wouldn’t have to actually ask for anyone to buy her a drink. 7-10’s get in the club free, drink for free and if they are an 8.5 and up, get a meal at the I-hop/Waffle House for free.

Does this make me look fat?
White guys struggle with this all the time and I really don’t understand why. Nothing makes you look fat unless YOU ARE FAT. Fellas, if you tell the truth and say “yeah it makes you look fat”, (which if it does, that means she is fat), what do you really lose? Ironically, all you really lose is weight!

Can I sit down in your chair?
Another classic question we get from ladies who want our bar position. There is no negotiation with this one fellas. NO is the only answer.

Well that's all folks for this week. I'd like to leave you guys with a quote from Chris Carter of the Minn Vikings......"You don't see dem givin roses to the donkey's at the Kentucky Derby....you got to have the horses to win"! Lesson for the fellas is this valentines day: Don't give flowers to a donkey, give it to a horse b/c she is likely, as my boy Jamiz would say "A Winner"

And I'm Gone!