TDRS-THE THAT'S THAT BULLSHIT EDITION

Its yo folk! In this issue of TDRS, I’m coming out hard like MJG and Eightball. Remember 2005 is the year of the LAUGH and that is my goal each time I put my hands on the keyboard.

So I was having a discussion with my friend Spiceda (those in the know call her Spice) the other day about women and relationships. Spice, was really concerned with the best way to let a guy know that she wasn’t interested. Funny, we have all gone through this and over time have become experts of interpreting what is really meant by females. Ladies don’t worry, next week I am sending out things men say and what they really mean. For all the brothas out there here is a list of the dumb things they say. As my boy Jamal would say “That’s That Bullshit” to describe those dumb questions/statements.

“________(fill in your name here), you are a really nice guy.”
We all know that no one ever got booed for singing the gospel song at the Apollo. The performers were consistently bad, yet you never heard a peep from the infamous crowd. Why? Well its because the crowd felt guilty and for some insane reason felt they were booing God. Well, I’m here to tell both men and women to not fall for the gospel routine trap. If that person you meet is sub par, mediocre, or downright a dog, then boo them off the stage. Don’t wait and give them a chance to finish their song because it doesn’t get any better. If you can’t do it yourself, then get a friend to be your “Sand Man” and snag him off the stage. Save the whole you are a nice guy crap, please.

“We are not Spiritually Connected”
I say Lord, Lord , Lord , Lord
I love this one because it is "that bullshit". What does this mean? Last time I checked, there was only one God right? So if you and I believe in that one God, then aren’t we actually connected? Makes sense right? Well for some reason some ladies use this as an excuse to let a brotha down. I mean if you think I am going to hell, then please, just say it! I’ll be okay b/c I got at least two friends (Jamal/Eric) that will be there with me.

“I don’t deserve A Guy Like You”
This is one my favorites. Fellas, if you hear this don’t be discouraged, be happy. She really DOES want you, but she knows that once you find out about her “recent” past or record, you will quickly get out of dodge. Serious skeletons in the closet with these types…..Stay Away.

“Let’s Just Be Friends”
Don’t believe the Chris Rock hype. Contrary to Rock’s belief in the “break glass when ready”, women REALLY only want you as a friend for personal USE. She knows you adore her and it makes her feel so special each time you blow her head up with "sweet nothings". The Bullshit is that you do all of that, be that friend, and at the end of the day what do you get? Nothing, but some sob story about the “other” man who treats her like crap and how she still loves him. That’s That Bullshit! Sidenote One-There are some circumstances where she wants you as a friend, just to hook you up with her friend who is a 5 (1-10 scale) at best.

“Where do you know her from?
A classic question! Fellas, she doesn’t really care where you know her from; she cares about how well you know her, basically did you sleep with her. Okay do you (A) say “I know her from school or (B) say “I know her from back home”? The answer is secret answer (C), you don’t know her! Don’t fall into the trap of trying to explain some new person. With women you have to do what I call the Grandfather Clause. Before you give her the girlfriend or “my girl” title, you need to mention every girl you were, are, and want to be friends with because if some new name comes up after the relationship is consummated, there will be hell to pay.

“Does (insert your best friend’s name here) have a girlfriend?
Again, she is not concerned with your boy’s well being. All she wants to know is if she has to become “CSI” and smell your clothes after you guys hang out together. The answer to this question is ”He’s been dating this girl for awhile andshe’s the best looking girl I’ve ever seen him with”. This response works all the time b/c it gives her the impression that your boy is in or really close to being in a relationship. The second part (the whole good looking thing) offsets any thought that you may be lying, b/c when a guy says someone is pretty cute, especially someone affiliated with his best friend, then the girl must be a keeper, which means your boy will be in a relationship at some point.

“Call Me Later?”
I love this one b/c for her to say this to you she had to have been talking to you at that moment. The big question here is “WHY” do I need to call you later when I am talking to you right now?!!! After years of not understanding, I’ve finally figured it out. “Call me later” is nothing but a “tracking device”. She wants to know where you are at all times and by calling her later, she knows you can’t be up to too much debauchery. Notice the heading is posed as a question and not a sentence. Don’t get caught up fellas and say “ah yeah” or “okay” to this question. To prevent the drama, tell her you will be out with the boys, folks, cousins, whatever. Let her know right then and there that you’ll call tomorrow.

“Can You buy me a drink?”
I really don’t need to discuss this one, but for those of us who like to buy women drinks (Antoine) I need to comment. Any female who asks you to buy her a drink is a 5 at best. She clearly didn’t bring her “A” Game, because if she did, she wouldn’t have to actually ask for anyone to buy her a drink. 7-10’s get in the club free, drink for free and if they are an 8.5 and up, get a meal at the I-hop/Waffle House for free.

Does this make me look fat?
White guys struggle with this all the time and I really don’t understand why. Nothing makes you look fat unless YOU ARE FAT. Fellas, if you tell the truth and say “yeah it makes you look fat”, (which if it does, that means she is fat), what do you really lose? Ironically, all you really lose is weight!

Can I sit down in your chair?
Another classic question we get from ladies who want our bar position. There is no negotiation with this one fellas. NO is the only answer.

Well that's all folks for this week. I'd like to leave you guys with a quote from Chris Carter of the Minn Vikings......"You don't see dem givin roses to the donkey's at the Kentucky Derby....you got to have the horses to win"! Lesson for the fellas is this valentines day: Don't give flowers to a donkey, give it to a horse b/c she is likely, as my boy Jamiz would say "A Winner"

And I'm Gone!