TDRS-THE DUMB THINGS BROTHAS SAY EDITION

What up FAM! Holla at yo folk. Once again it’s on and your boy ThatDamnRicSimon is at it “one mo gin” for the second consecutive week. Before I spit that insanity, I’d like to personally thank everyone who responded to the TDRS from last week. It makes me feel really good to hear the thoughts of my “folk”, so keep em comin. I got a couple of shoutouts before I hit you with some fire:

Mitchell I like the title of the book “What’s the Point, She Aint A Dime Anyway”. That is hot! Let’s get it to the presses.
Jamal, “Ace Custus” (a former point guard on the Tennessee Vols women’s B-Ball team for those wondering) has nothing on the Providence Girl. Ha!

Now last week’s TDRS delved into the stupid things that women say. As promised, I’ll try to tackle the ultra-sensitive subject of the dumb things we men say. Now it is common knowledge amongst the womenfolk that men don’t really “say” very much to begin with right? ”We don’t share our feelings and thoughts” and all that jazz. Anyway, when we do say things, it’s usually pretty short, so putting together a list of dumb things we say was a tad bit difficult. However, I can quickly put together a number of dumb, or better yet “Shady” things we do. Enjoy!

“Huh”??
Ladies I am sure you have heard this one a thousand times. You ask a question and your man gives you that one word reply….”huh”. Many of you ladies feel that it’s one of those I didn’t hear you responses, so you repeat it in the hopes of getting a real answer. Only, huh is followed by an even more incriminating “huh”. The second “huh” is also known as the “I can’t believe you asked me that….what, do you not trust me?” statement.

Ladies, I’ll let you in only a little secret, when men say “huh” it more likely than not means you caught us off guard. The “huh” response is more a man asking himself, “why did she ask me this?” or better yet “what made her ask me this?”. When we say “huh” we are thinking about the source of your question and not how to really answer your question. For example let’s take the classic “Where were you yesterday when I called?” question. Simple question, right? Well for men it’s not so simple. A few seconds usually pass and during this time we know we need to say something quick to buy more time to think of really good answer.

“I thought”?
The “huh” response is a perfect segue to another response we give, the “I thought” response. Here is a pretty good list of the “I thought” responses. “I thought”:

(i) you were asleep, so I didn’t call last night.
(ii) you were going to call me back.
(iii) we were just kicking it and not in a relationship
(iv) I told you about her

It’s amazing but we often use the “I thought” response right after the “huh”. Continuing with the example above, let’s just say that a guy has already used the first and second “huh” response. Women are usually upset after the second “huh” and then proceed to say “You heard me, …answer my question”. Our response is usually the “I thought” or better yet the classic…….

……“I didn’t know”?
This isn’t a surprise to anyone, but brothas REALLY do know.

“That’s cool I can wait”
I am laughing out loud on this one. Any man that says this is (i) stupid and (ii) probably lying (I said probably here b/c there are some “strange’ brotha’s out there who really believe they can). Ladies, don’t believe the hype on this one. I don’t have a problem with brothas saying this; I just think you should first test if he wants “it” in the first place. Don’t become a “DL” tragedy…….you’ll be the next fool on Oprah saying “I didn’t know”. It is true to some extent that we can wait b/c it is highly likely that we are standing in line someplace else where the wait is not as long!

“She’s cute”
Ladies when you ask guys that stupid question of “what do you think of my friend such and such” and the first thing we say is that she’s cute, watch out. We really think she’s an 8.5 and would gladly invite her over to play twister at the house warming party.

“You got any Pictures”
Don’t be fooled into thinking we want to see pics of you. We REALLY want to see pics of your girls, just to see what we are dealing with. Some of us want to see pics of the Mom, b/c we want to make sure whatever you “did get from yo Mamma” will still be nice in 20 years.

Enough of the things we say and what we really mean. Let’s move on to some of the really shady things we do and the CLEAR meaning behind those actions. I’ll first begin with the “it’s the thought that counts theory”. Ladies men love this saying because it gives us every reason in the world to be lazy and be the most non-creative guy you ever met. The examples below should help you decide if your new guy is Mr. Right.

The Valentines Day “Card”
If you’ve been dating a guy for lets say six months and you get a card on valentines day that doesn’t have a lick of red, no sight of hearts and could basically pass as “a sending our deepest regrets on your great uncle June-Bug’s death” sympathy card, then I am going to step out on a limb and say “HE DOESN’T REALLY CARE FOR YOU”.

The Christmas/Birthday Card
The true test to see if he is really into you is the Christmas or Birthday Card. If you get a card that is pre-written and he doesn’t sign off with a heart, smiley face, miss you, love you (heaven forbid after six months of dating), or something other than using the standard Merry Christmas or Happy Birthday, then once again “HE DOESN’T WANT YOU!”

1-800 Flowers/FTD
Brothas, I hate to go here, but I must. Ladies when you get flowers, don’t fall into the “it was the thought that counts trap”, especially on those days where you are supposed to get flowers. Completely spontaneous actions are excluded from this discussion. Anyway, if you receive flowers on one of the special female “holidays” (I’ll be discussing this crap in an upcoming TDRS) you should not believe the hype. The flowers you got are probably the same flowers that went to Mom, the Aunts, the little Sister, and quietly that “other” girl in a different area code. The brotha probably got a package deal and you just happen to be that last “unit” to give him some economies of scale. Shadiness!

The Hand in the Pocket
Classic move! The quickest way to get our playa card revoked is to walk around town or the mall holding hands. The easiest way to prevent this is either (a) walking with you on your right side (brothas don’t believe in holding hands with our left hand, it’s just not natural) or (b) just keeping our right hand in our pocket. If this is your man, then he “AINT” really your man.

The Malcom X –Back Against the Wall Move.
Remember how Brotha Malcom never ate with his back to the window b/c of fear of getting shot. Brothas believe in that too, well sort of. If you go on a date ladies, make sure you sit with your back against the wall b/c that forces us to focus on you and not all of the traffic (i.e. the possible 8.5’s and 9’s) entering the restaurant.

Adjustable Seats
Fellas let’s be smart. When that “other girl” gets out of your vehicle, make sure you adjust the legroom in the car b/4 the “wifey” gets in it. Ladies, if you notice that the leg room of his car is constantly adjusted, you should really ask about who else has been playing DJ in the front seat.

The Phone
I’ve mentioned this in a previous TDRS, but for the sake of all the new female readers, this needs to be revisited. At some point in relationship, women feel or are tempted to check a brotha’s cell phone, scan the incoming calls on the home phone or even worse replay messages on the answering machine. Quick side-note, any dude with an answering machine should have his playa card taken from him immediately! (Mitchell!)

Ladies, brothas aren’t that dumb. I know most of you would never really do these things, especially if you trust us, but do you really trust us? Hell no, so why would we even think that you wouldn’t play out your fantasy of becoming a “C.S.I” detective on us. That said, your man has done everything he can to mitigate this risk. Here is a list of the precautions your man takes. If you recognize any of these, then you have as Martin told Gina,”a true playa from the Himalayas” on your hands.

Everytime he answers his cell phone around you, its one of his boys. Ladies, you know your man knows some females and if he doesn’t then that’s a problem (see the cool I can wait commentary). If he never gets a call on his cell around you from at least some female, then you should be thinking, Why?
Whenever you are over to his place, his home phone never rings. Yeah I know this could really mean that he never uses his home phone and everyone calls him on his cell right? Hmm Huh, keep believing that! If a brotha has a home phone with, voicemail, and caller I.D., then he’s getting calls at home. If the phone never rings when you are there then it could REALLY mean that “someone” else knows you are there. Think about it.

The Alibi
I love this one b/c we always try to have someone vouch for our whereabouts. Fellas, we need to be more skillful when using the alibi. We have to get out of the habit of using our homeboys or even having to use an alibi altogether. Ladies aren’t dumb, they are CLEARLY smarter than us, so don’t try them buy saying “you can ask my boy, he was there with me” line. You got to be a little bit slicker. Try something like…….

……..The Lunch Date
Brothas are always thinking of new ways to beat the system. The movie “Two Can Play At that Game” discussed the whole “I gotta work late excuse” we use. What they didn’t discuss is why a brotha had to work late in the first place! You see, we can do some really shady stuff at work. We can make those phone calls to “her” at work, and that new shit is that we can see her “at work”. It’s called the harmless lunch date. Unless you work in the same building with your man, you have absolutely no idea what he is doing and you can’t prove it. We engage in so much shady activity (like me writing this TDRS at work), that we have to work a bit late just to finish the work we get paid to do. Ladies don’t fear though, if you are an 8.5 and up, then your man is working his butt off at work to get home early. If you are a borderline 7 and below, then you better buy some Tupperware because that warm dinner you made him is going to get cold…..He probably had a pretty big lunch.

Well, that’s all folks for this week. I ‘m in the mood for a bit more, but I am going to save some energy for the ladies again next week when I’ll be discussing the do’s and don’ts of hooking up your friends and the universal ratings scale.