TDRS:The Diamonds on My Neck Edition

What Up Folk, What Up Fam! It’s your boi and you know how I do. I bring that straight up FIRE by keeping it real and not pleading the “fif”. I am bringing it in less than 2,000 words a week for those who just finished reading the revised Bar Etiquette Edition. Now the title of this edition was sort of catchy and current, I know, but it pretty much sums up my rant today. Everyone who is anyone in hip-hop, athletics and even “real life” is talking about that cash money. It’s starting to become a little outrageous and it’s time for TDRS to “simmer down” the uproar and like Kanye, “not lie to you man”. You all know my feelings about Kanyeeze and in today’s edition I’ll spare some of my otherwise scathing comments on “him” for another day. I will start everything off with the most overhyped lie told today and that is “Diamonds Are Forever”! Before I pontificate on the subject, let’s begin with the weekly housecleaning items”.

Person/Events That Shamed the Race last week:

Stella & her “Boo”.
I hate to go here but I must pontificate on this whole D/L thing…. AGAIN. At the end of the day the whole point of being on the “D/L” is leading one to believe that they are NOT a “left hand batter”, switch hitter, or as my dad would say, a sissy. I’m sorry but if one can spot a “switch hitter” from a mile away, is he truly on the D/L? Case in point was this whole Toni Morrison interview on Oprah. Ladies, you can’t tell me that there wasn’t something weird about that brotha. This wasn’t about him bathing in dove (b/c people who like quality soap do) it was about that person and his personality. Look at his mannerisms and the way he talks. It was pretty damn obvious this brotha was hotter than a pack of hot sauce flavored pork skins. All I got to say is that Stella may have gotten her groove back, but it’s too bad it was to the tune of the Village People. Stella should have known better.

The Vibe Awards
All I can say is that Keyshia Cole’s girl wearing the white-feathered hat was truly a sight to see. I mean, I knew Ms Cole was ghettocious (full of ghetto) when the red dye in her hair was visibily running down her face in the “I shoud’ve cheated” video, but her girlfriends who tagged along with her to the Vibe awards was the icing on the cake. While I’m hot, I’ll just list my other observations in bullet points to keep things moving:

· I thought BET was wrong for giving the cast of girlfriends a spot on it top 25 list, but VIBE took it one step further by having a tie for the best new artist award between Young Jeezy and Ms Cole.
· Tracy Ellis Ross (Joan from Girlfriends) is really an airhead when she’s not in character.
· Luda’s confederate flag outfit was pretty much ho-hum. I seem to remember Lil John in the Bia-Bia video rocking the confederate wear like 2.5 years ago.
· Finish this off folks…Popeye’s Chicken is to Beyonce as Church’s Chicken is to______.
· Top-notch superstars should not attend these low budget award shows. It’s like Tiger Woods playing in the Jake Gaither Charity Classic.
· If you (Mary J Blige) win the equivalent of a lifetime achievment award before the age of 35, are you really being told that your career is basically over?


This Week’s “The thing that when you think about it, it really pisses you off”, and that is….

…. People in this country that can’t speak English. All I’m saying is that I shouldn’t have to revert to “Hooked on phonics-The Fantasia Edition” to explain to the “no speaka inglis” illegals at the local dry cleaner that I was missing two pairs of pants. Note these were two pairs from Banana Republic, so you know they weren’t cheap! Clearly you can tell that a brotha is pretty heated about this. I’m just letting you guys know how I REALLY feel. Is it me, or am I the only one who just wants to hang up when Mahkmud or Lu-Si or anyone who can’t conjugate verbs answers the customer service line? This ish has got to stop!

Diamonds on My Neck!
Okay, let me preface my comments by saying that the woman I do marry will hopefully get a mini “Rockefeller Center” on her finger. That is, I hope to save up enough dough to give her a piece of ice so thick that you “can skate on it”. However, before she get’s that “rock” or as my man J Jackson would say the “second contract” she HAS to perform on that first deal. FYI, I’m working on the second contract right now, b/c when you got an allstar, you have to keep them on your team at all cost. What’s the first deal you ask? Well you’ll have to tune in next week b/c TDRS will unveil the first ever rookie contract for the ladies. To set the stage, I just thought I’d give a bit of background….

…These days it seems that some ladies are coming out of college, trade school, high school, or wherever, thinking they are the # 1 pick in the draft. Brothas know that there are basically three types. The ones who:

1. Hold out of Training Camp
For some reason and you can call it poor advice from an agent (aka their girl), the #1 draft pics don’t go out on those mean streets. They believe that they are pro-bowlers/all-stars, yet haven’t played one game in the league. Sorry, but what you did in college doesn’t count for ish. Examples of this type of behavior include saying:

a. “My stomach was flatter and/or I had some abs”
b. “I used to be sweet”
c. “Guys always sweat me”

This type instead opts to stay home and complain that no man wants to draft them. They basically walk around with a chip on their shoulder, like they were the only one’s who’ve had their heartbroken, cheated on, etc. I mean no one really likes Training Camp or what we call those mean streets, but you have to do it before you settle down. I mean for all you would be “hold-outs”, please stop the frequent visits to obscure jazz clubs in hopes of finding a Denzel Washington type with salt and pepper hair. Better yet, before going to a jazz club please know something about jazz. And by the way, Sade is NOT jazz. That’s all I am saying.

2. Demands A Large Signing Bonus
This is really a beef of mine b/c some of the rookies out there don’t deserve one damn dime. I mean if you haven’t been to training camp and all but “blew out” your knee chasing wack dudes in your early 20s, what makes you think a brotha wants to put diamonds on your neck? Maybe some pearls, but I am not going there today! Yeah I know ELI Manning recieved a $20MM upfront bonus, but heck he is the franchise quarterback, the future of the Giants. Brothas should refuse to pay top dollar for those ladies who are nothing but position players…like punters are in the NFL. These are the types that can do one thing somewhat well, but are worthless when it comes to anything else.

3. Looks for an Insurance Policy
Now there are plenty of ladies out there who think we are still in the 1920s. I’m sorry but the “non-atheletes” of the world aren’t ballin till we fall, so cut us some slack. Please stop it with this constant quest for that man that will take care of you. Take care of yourself first and then when you find that man, take care of each other. That’s all I’m saying. It’s unfortunate but these types are killing our attitudes right now and THAT’s why many brothas are acting stupid when it comes to the ladies these days. Brothas don’t care b/c they truly view the ladies as “golddiggers” and that’s the bottom line. Don’t get mad at the messenger, I’m just the man sittin next to the man that heard a man sing that song. I’m just keeping it REAL!

Please note that TDRS isn’t complaining because I scouted and really believe I drafted very well. I’m just letting my folks know what I’m hearing and seeing out there on them mean streets. Don’t dispair, because as I mentioned earlier, the rookie contract will be coming out next week and that should solve the problem! How u luv dat?

HollaAtYaBoy!


Mailbag


Say man,I'm just now getting to this. I will admit, that i'm dissaponited that you're out of the game...but I wanna congratulate you also...hopefully your lady is treating your right.W/ respect to the decline in the frequency of the TDRS emails...I'd like to request that you at least publish the TDRS re-adjusted Universal scale---post Rio before you go out...PS, My buddy from ATL, sent me that song you're talking about (The ATL theme song), and yes it sucks! Even though it doesn't talk about Atlanta specifically, my recommendation is that THE ATL adopts Ludacris and Field Mob's rendition of "Georgia"...that sh** is a BANGA my friend!!! B

Nia Long and Sommore are sisters. BS!!! Show me the paperwork. Gotta be different daddies!!! I would say it is a publicity stunt... but who the hell cares. How is Ebony handling the fact that your junk joint drunk off moonshine ass bar brawling cousins want her number. I'm sho that she jus ready to start choosin...whats up for the weekend holler at ya boi? Perry Pimp

Man, no longer single? Gave up the game, eh? Congrats! I ain't mad, I rejoined the single ranks a few months ago, and let me tell ya, it is "hard out here for a pimp" in LA. Maybe I should rent a Lex for the weekend to impress the ladies like the rest of the cats out here. Then again maybe not.Keep spittin' that fire bro!! J Reid
· Just wanna say I loved it! And thanks for the top 25 run-down. Been trying to catch the show and haven't been able to. C. Magee

I missed my shoutout!! Thank Ric! Thank you for also noting that Mariah is NOT BLACK!!! You can't claim that you are the most misunderstood black woman in essence mag. and then only have white boys on ya arm and in ya videos!! Stop giving Popeye's a shout out in all of your commentaries. You are starting to sound like BruceBruce!! Ava
you've probably gone over this before, but what is milf? Lisa G

That was good baby! Q.K. Nichols aka the #1 Draft pick!