I Can't Wait to Talk to My Son...

First of all, let me make it clear that I have no children, and I’m in no hurry to make any!


Now that I’ve said that, let’s get to my point.


I can’t wait to have children (read: sons… cause I do NOT want daughters). I think seeing what a little version of me would look like, act like, take interest in – all those things. I can definitely foresee many ass whippings and chewing outs for doing something stupid, but I also foresee many instances to teach, to play, and for sure to love. While I can only imagine how different his generation will be, with regards to technology, social issues, and other important matters, I’m CERTAIN that he will encounter one issue every man in my family before him encountered: The futile attempt to understand women.


(sighs) I can see it so clearly.


I can imagine him finally breaking the ice and divulging his interest in some cutie in his English class with really nice hair (not necessarily “good” hair, for the self hating out there), a pretty face, a nice tail – I’m certain my son will be an ass-man between my influence and that of his many “uncles” – and a sparkling personality. I can imagine hearing his thoughts on ways to impress her or catch her eye, of course in some respectable boy-in-love fashion, hopeful and certain that it will surely work. And because I’m a huge proponent of learning by doing (and because Schadenfreude is AWESOME), I’m gonna push him to do all those things and try them out and GUARANTEE that they’ll work.


And yes, I’m going to laugh my ass off when it doesn’t.


I can totally see him coming home, dropping his backpack to the ground like his life force had been sucked from him, his eyes unable to look upwards toward the heavens or his father, red and bulging from the tears fighting to escape his eyes, unable to talk.


“Daddy…” he’d say in a frail, defeated tone.


I’d probably have to punch myself in the chest to remind myself that he’s actually hurting and wouldn’t appreciate my being humorous at the moment.


“Yes, son?” I’d say as calmly and lovingly as possible.


“She… She didn’t like it. She doesn’t like ME. She said I was ‘too nice.’ That she sees me as ‘husband material.’ She only likes me as a ‘friend.’”


He’d flop down beside me on the couch, head still hanging, a solo tear running down his chin like a slave toward freedom.


“Dad… I don’t understand women.”


I’d lean over and put one arm around his shoulder to pull him closer and punch him in the shoulder with the other free hand, smiling at my son’s coming of age.


“Son… I don’t either. But your realizing that is the first step to becoming a man.”


He’d sniffle and wipe his eyes, probably ashamed to let his father see his weakest moment.


“What should I do, Dad? What do you know about women?”


Dammit. The worst possible question to ask an older man… but a great opportunity to spread personal beliefs.


“I don’t know much, son, but I do know these things…”


1. Accept that you are always in the wrong. Always. Will your arguments be sound? Probably – you’re my son. Will her arguments be very emotional and not sound? Not always, but more often than not, yes. But you’ll still be wrong. And at some point you won’t even care about being right. You’ll just want peace, which usually amounts to getting her to shut up.

2. When you need your woman to be somewhere at a certain time, lie to her. Tell her an earlier time because she’s going to be late. If she needs to be somewhere at 730, tell her you have to be there by 630 so she’ll be ready by 7. Why can’t she be on time? I don’t know. But much like #1, that won’t matter.


3. Accept that Yes/No questions are NOT acceptable. They won’t understand that the answer should be one of those things.

Man: Baby, are you hungry? Do you want some pizza?

Woman: Why? What are you going to eat?

Man: … I’m going to eat pizza. Do you want some?

Woman: I don’t know. Didn’t we have pizza two months ago?

Man: Baby, just tell me if you want the damn pizza or not.

Woman: Why are you cursing at me?

Man: Nevermind. Get your own damn food.

4. Which leads me to my next point: Women have an essential, maddening need to argue. About everything. Often. You have to argue or be upset to show her you care. Sure, you could just be happy, but that wouldn’t do it for her. You’ve gotta raise your voice, throw shit around, slam doors, and curse to make her feel loved. I personally understand this the least of all these things on the list.

5. And if you listen to none of these previous things, you must take heed to this next one: Never, ever, ever talk about other women around your woman of interest. Women are super competitive creatures and she will ultimately lead you into a comparison conversation that you will absolutely lose. Unless you lie to her.


6. Avoid lying to women...unless you're lying to make sure she's on time for something. You’ll have to at some point to save your ass, but try to avoid lying to them.

I know he won’t take it all in at that moment. I’m sure that when I look down to see if he’s listening, he’ll have already left to his room long ago. I’ll just laugh to myself, look over to my wife on the other side of the couch, who’ll likely be mean-mugging the hell out of me, and continue watching tv.

But in my heart, I’ll hope he learned something.