Random Thoughts: If I Don't Make Eye Contact, Then My Elbow Was Unintentional

1. Why the hell is it so hard for restaurants to understand that I don't want cheese on my orders? I ate at 3 straight restaurants with burgers and asked all 3 to give me NO cheese and ALL 3 gave me cheese. Hell, one gave me EXTRA cheese and the other two gave me a different kind of cheese than the one that went with the order. I DONT EAT THE ISH, OK?! Judge me all you want, but make my order correctly!

2. At almost 30 years old, the “M-bomb” no longer refers to telling a fly young lady that I went to that school on the hills in Atlanta, GA. Now? It refers to the exchanging of vows, jewelry, and a handing over of one’s testicles.

Yeah… THAT word.

I had two close homies get engaged, including Big Cuz; one of my ace boon coons get married; and three ex's (and probably around 6-10 women that I just used to smash) go down that path. I finally reached that age where I felt like "Everyone is getting married!"

No pressure though.

3. I was recently shopping in Target, looking for Twister when a particular scene in the toys section caught my eye. There was a young white boy, maybe 8-9 years old, and his mother who were looking at a variety of toys. The mom was calmly taking them off the shelves, asking him if he liked each one, then adding the ones he liked into the cart.

Did you catch that? “Ones” As in MORE than one.

That ish NEVER happened to me. Even if I wanted Q-Tips as toys, I NEVER had the luxury of being a big baller in the toy section unless I brought my own money.

Just another perk of…

4. What do YOU call the non drummette, non tip part of a chicken wing? I've only heard them called "flats" in ATL

5. There is great humor in noting how women pick up on men’s habits. Once they’ve been around you long enough, they have a pretty good idea of how you function, and ANY deviation from the “norm” is looked at as atypical – even if it’s something you SHOULD be doing! I remember cleaning up my room one day when my roommate stopped me.

“Ay, homie. You got some new poon coming through or something? Don’t clean up TOO much or your girl may suspect something!”

Damn… Good idea. Lemme put these clothes back on the floor…but in a neat pile like I’m going to wash them.

6. Do NOT tell a woman that she's unclean during her period because the Bible said so. Trust me.

7. I’d completely forgotten about my anatomical discovery!

Do you remember the piece on “The Domestic Zone”? It’s that well known but little talked about erogenous zone within the vagina that, when properly stimulated, causes women to have strong urges to cook, clean, and handle other domestic duties at odd hours of the night.

Her: Hey! Do you want some breakfast?

Him: (looks around) Now? At 5am?

Her: Oh… No, not necessarily now, but maybe later?

Him: Yeah… Breakfast would be awesome… later.

Seek and ye shall find!

8. If you have female friends, your woman will want to meet them. Somehow that makes them feel safer about the friendship. Men, on the other hand, don’t give a damn about his lady’s male friends. He doesn’t trust any of them niggas.

9. Speaking of reflections on life and how things change, one very polarizing topic for men across the ages is the menstrual cycle. My boys and I were laughing recently in thinking about how texts between us would differ about that infamous red dot depending on our age.

(
Boy 1: Wassup man? How’d it go?
Boy 2: Man, it was some BS! She’s on her period!
Boy 1: Damn… Sorry bro. That ish is GROSS

(21+ year old exchange)
Man 1: Wassup man? How’d it go?
Man 2: Dawg, she got her period!
Man 1: YES!!! Hi five!

10. I hate every single one of you people who fight to park close to the gym -  you're going to workout!

11. Black people are VERY serious about playing dominoes and playing Taboo. Stuff can get real intense.

12. If you don’t hang around many of them, you may be very surprised to hear the frequency with which professional Black women discuss kegels. It’s… (sigh)

13. You shouldn’t really be worried, but I’ve lately had really funny experiences when I’d take a nap while mildly inebriated….

Story #1: After a nap, before which I don’t remember much, I woke up to find a half bottle of Bacardi rum, a speculum (yes the ones used for pelvic exams... It was clean/unused), and two one dollar bills. …I have no good explanations for this one.

Story #2: I laid down to rest my weary, big head before going out. Before dozing off, I noted how fresh my sheets smelled. I. Was. Infatuated! I rubbed my sheets and inhaled deeply, like “OMG! These smell amazing! Did I wash these recently?” I can’t say the smell didn’t help me sleep better. I woke up 45 minutes later, and the first thing I saw was the box of Bounce fabric softener 6” from my nose.

Alcohol is a helluva drug…

14. Dallas BBQ, I will miss thee. Not just for the food or the drinks but mainly because of the discussions that the atmosphere really facilitated. The most recent example involved a discussion on open marriage. The general consensus was interesting.

Ultimately the answer was somewhere between "no" and "yes... with a small caveat." Basically all men would be ok with being with other women. Half of us would NOT be ok with our woman being with another man. A quarter of that remainder would be ok with her being with someone else. And the rest would allow her to be with other men so long as she understood we would desire her much, much less. As in not at all.

15. What happened over the last 10-15 years that made "the sag" so much more dramatic? When it first became popular, it was simply a good portion of underwear showing, but the topic was still above the mid-ass point. Niggas now sag to just above the knees now, with the nerve to wear shorts to cover up the draws - Nigga WHY?!

16. I had an Indian cab driver the other day (as in from India but who still refers to Native Americans as such?) who was on the phone (yes, despite that big black sign that says they shouldn't be) ordering chicken tika. I should've asked him which restaurant he ordered from. When people of a particular ethnicity go to a restaurant that sells their native foods, you can usually gauge that it's legit. That's for sure how I pick my Asian food (and not just by how many Southeast Asians work there). You'll never see Mexicans ordering Taco Bell and you'll damn sure never see me eating fried chicken from Sylvia's...again.

17. I feel sorry for women sometimes, especially the single ones. Men can often put you in a catch 22 situation from jump. We may come at you with some hard game with the intent of getting the panties, only to turn around and not take you seriously and question your decision making abilities because you fucked with us.

18. Why do men in tight shirts or skinny jeans roll in crews? Seriously, you rarely see one by himself. They're like ants.

19. Tracey Edmonds must have that good-good... What old celebrity hasn't been with her? Hopefully not Magic Johnson... :-/

20. There is a strain of marijuana in Cali called "Whitney Houston OG Kush" because "it's that KILLER!"

Way, way, way too soon, fellas. Way too soon.