The Air Up Here, Volume I

Friends, Romans, Countrymen lend me your ears. In an effort to expand my growing empire of commentary and polish my writing skills at the same time I have decided to produce a new column aptly titled "The Air Up Here." The title, of course, being a play on the fact that yours truly is 6'5" and has had to answer that ridiculous question more than once in my lifetime. Basically you can expect all of the features that made The Life & Times . . . so enjoyable except for the fact that I won't be talking about myself (as if that is possible). In my first issue I'm taking on all forms of popular media and the celebrities that dominate it. This is quite lengthy so you might want to read it stages or wait till your lunch break.


1. First up, Mariah Carey. What is she now? R&B singer? Pop diva? Movie star? Whitney Houston wannabe? Stripper? It's kind of hard to keep up these days. Now she's finally gone off the deep end and suffered a breakdown. Break, breakdown, steady breaking me on down (oh, where is Bone Thugs & Harmony to sing the hook when you need them).

2. Speaking of Whitney Houston, she recently signed a deal that is reported to be largest in the history of the record biz. Believe it or not, I don't have anything bad to say about her right now. However, I'm sure that you heard that her husband, the self-anointed "Original King of R&B," had to check himself into a New Jersey hospital. He was reportedly suffering from exhaustion, being overheated, having a fever, etc. He however refused to take a blood test so the doctors could check for any other contributing factors. Hmmm . . . I'm not saying to Bobby might have been up to his old tricks, but if he was it's his prerogative.

3. While I'm on the subject of divas, can Destiny's Child do a performance nowadays without getting booed? We all remember the chorus that the 76ers' fans rained down on them at the NBA Finals. At the Hot 97 Summer Jam after singing "Survivor" and "Bootylicious" and receiving more boos they decided to do the tried and true Showtime at the Apollo trick and sing a gospel song. Beyonce even was quoted as saying, "Let's see if they'll boo God." The trick didn't work. Let's be real, no body was booing God (I don't think anyone is that stupid). It's those wack songs on their last album and Beyonce sensory overload that people don't like. Next topic.

4. For those of you that are not boxing fans or those of you without HBO (read Jamal) you might have missed light-heavyweight champion Roy Jones, Jr.'s foray into the world of hip hop music. On his dazzling debut single "Y'all Must Have Forgot" he waxes poetically in front of a Big Pimpinish backdrop. He spits fire with classic lines such as:

a. "When I beat Bernard Hopkins and won the IBF/ the right was hurt so I beat him with the left."
b. "David Jilesco, he really asked for it/ so I beat him a fractured wrist."
c. And my personal favorite: "Remember the right hook that James Toney got/ a sucka move I stole from a gamecock."

5. Martina Hingis and Martina Navratilova. In a Time magazine article on newsstands now Martina Hingis is attributed to saying," that the Williams sisters only get endorsements because they are black and when anything goes wrong they are always the crutch of blaming their problems on racism. The elder Martina went on the say that no one in the tennis game properly criticizes them because they don't want to be branded as racists and that they (the Williams sisters) should show more respect for the game by devoting more attention to it (e.g. play more tournaments). Without totally delving into my list of objectionable personal experiences, I ask the question: When has being black ever really made it more likely for you to get something? Hold up I've got it. If you count being followed in department stores, receiving ominous stares, having women clutching their purses in elevators, or maybe getting a butt kickin' by the police as perks then maybe Hingis has a point. Every time I hear Hingis or Navratilova or Chris Everett or John McEnroe talking about the Williams sisters, it seems like they have guzzled a nice tall glass of HaterAde first. If Venus and Serena don't feel like playing tournaments that's their decision and why should they be criticized for taking college courses while the majority of the other players on the tour are high school (if that) dropouts. Moving on.

6. Did anyone see Babyface's venture into the world of acting on Soulfood? All I can say is "What the @#$% was he thinking?" Did he not go back and look at the tape of the show before it aired? It had to be the absolute worst acting performance that I have seen since the Lakers' Robert Horry made a guest appearance on Passions. I'm sure Eric remembers the line "Oh look, you learned to play basketball. That's great." Anyway, I digress.

7. Have you all been keeping up with latest installment of The Real World? Well, on the last episode Coral (major attitude) and Nicole (way tooooooooooooo much make up) went shopping instead of working in the office with the rest of casts. When the boss rewards the workers with Outkast (so fresh and so clean) tickets, they throw a major tantrum and pandemonium ensues. What did their lazy behinds think they were going to get for skipping work? A cookie!!

8. Gary Condit. The initials D. A. come to mind whenever they air a story about him on the news. Admittedly, I only watched highlights of the interview, but how he fixed his mouth spew some of those answers just boggled my mind. For example, when asked directly if he had a sexual relationship with Chandra Levy; he goes into this long spiel about how he's been married for 34 years and loves his wife and family very deeply. Thus for the sake of them and of the Levy family he will not comment on that. I just want to know was he thinking about his wife and kids before or after? It's just a thought.


Okay, now that I have thoroughly flamed just about everyone. I will give you my hottest picks in entertainment now available at you local Target, BestBuy, or any other establishment that will relieve you of money.

DVDs:
1. The Best of the Chris Rock Show, Vol.2: This is laugh out loud funny even after watching it over and over again. The Black Progress Chart will have you asking yourself everyday, "Are we there yet?" It's a must-have for any collection.

2. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: Beautifully reproduced on DVD; makes me wish I had seen it on the big screen when it first came out. One the best English dubs that I have seen also, definitely not that typical Saturday afternoon martial arts fare from when we were younger. The movie, while thoroughly entertaining and exciting, also gives a powerful "carpe diem" message.

CDs:
1. Hi-Teknology by DJ Hi-Tek: You probably first heard of him on Talib Kweli's "The Blast." The DJ straight from Da Natti has released one of the most original albums that I've heard in a long time. A masterful collection of eclectic beats that you can relax to on your couch or pump up in your ride on the way to club. Features Talib Kweli, FAMU's own Common, and Jonell who sings that "I really don't know what you came here for/ round and round we go" song. I highly recommend it.

2. Superhero by Brian McKnight: Everyone knows what to expect with a Brian McKnight joint - melodic ballads, smooth up tempo songs, and one gospel song at the end to tie it all together. This is your typical Brian McKnight album. He does a collabo with Justin Timberlake that has TRL written all of it. The current single "The Love of My Life" is probably the best song on the album and my personal favorite. My only issue with the album is that a lot the beats aren't original. "The Love of My Life" obviously steals from Prince's "Scandalous", another song sounds like K-Ci and JoJo's "Don't Rush" and still another sounds like Blackstreet's "Tonight's the Night." To top it off, if you check the liner notes absolutely no production credit is given to those artists. Is he trying to take a page out of Lauryn Hill's book here? Just wondering. So if you are a rabid Brian McKnight fan I would say definitely pick up the album. If you are one of those people that builds your CD collection through BMG or Columbia House music clubs I would say save you $11.88 and wait until it hits those outlets. If you were just getting into Brian McKnight music I would skip this album and buy the first two albums Brian McKnight and I Remember You, which are his best by far.

3. Aaliyah by Aaliyah: Words cannot express the loss I felt when I heard the news of her tragic death this past weekend. It's strange that news of celebrity deaths has never really fazed me before. However, hearing of her passing hit me hard. I guess seeing over the years how genuinely sweet she seemed to be and how close she was to her brother made me think about what if that had happened to my sister and brother. I know my world would absolutely come to an end because I love them so much. This is just another reminder that you need to let people know how much they mean to you while they are still here. She is one of the few artists whose albums I actually buy the day they are released because I know it will be that fire. Her new album did not disappoint and is one befitting to be her legacy. It consists of 14 tracks with 8 of them being excellent. My favorites are the Timbaland produced "We Need A Resolution", the Static produced "Loose Rap", and I had to hold back the tears listening to the beautifully haunting "It's Whatever." With this album she seemed to find her own voice and let us in to experience a little bit of her esoteric spirit. She will be missed.


I know this was way long, but I haven't written in awhile and had a lot to say. I must say that it feels good to be back in TallyHo for the fall semester for the first time in two years. I'm still in the same apartment and have the same number if you want to holla, holla. As always take care, much love and God Bless.

--AIR © 2001

The Rattlesnake's Bite (Archived August 2001)

Yep, it's about that time. Coming off another loot-laden summer, a recent Janet concert, live viewings of Raw and Smackdown and soon to embark on the free-agent like recruiting process at a top 10 law school, you might say your boy is feeling pretty good. Well you'd be right. However, being the malcontent. greedy individual that I am, I'm never happy. Here come the venom (not that shitty bastard in Tallshassee either).

1. Mariah - this heffer has been covered in recent e-mails, but still. Being able to remember when Mariah actually wore clothes makes me feel old (but not as old as you jokers save Gerald). Now she looks like she could go work at the Gold Club. So she has a nervous breakdown. Who gives a rat's ass! My guess is somebody showed her the Vision of Love video and the flashback was too much. Now her and her manufactured sound are going to be in a movie. I can't wait for this shit...it is a flick isn't it?

2. Marion Jones - so Marion lost a damn race and everybody threw a party. How pathetic is that? "We're getting closer", "It's time for somebody else to win some". See, these hookers are the same type of people that support the breakup of Microsoft. She still can kick any of their asses and now that she's rid of that big, creatine taking, felon of an ex-husband, it's about to get worse for everybody. I'm not suprised she lost. After carrying Mr. Stay-Puft around for so long, it had to be different without him. Anyway, the former Tarheel came back to start another streak and I look for more asswhipping at the Goodwill Games.

3. College Football - The best time of the year is upon us. If this Brazilian New Year thing doesn't go off, look for Fountain in Pasedena for the Miami v. Michigan National Championship game. Alright, my beloved Wolverines may not make it, but damn if the 'Canes ain't going. After being shafted last year, look for more off-field thuggery, taunting, running up the score and all the other factors that made the Dade County boys a national power. By the way Gerald, I'm expecting last year's Sears trophy to arrive in Miami via Fed-Ex anyday now. Theft is theft.

4. Lewis/Rahman - Apparantly The Sissy Englishman and Haseem (I refuse to call him The Rock) can't wait until November to get it on. Good. Why the hell does a fight take 8 or 9 months to come off any-dam-way? I know cats who'll go to war, 7 days a week for 2 dollars and a biscuit. This is bullshit. Rahman said Lewis did something gay and Lewis (in a Freudian slip) assumed he meant homosexual tendencies. Then Lewis proceeding to give an impromptu chest massage that he tried to pass off as a push. My ass. He was feeling the man up. Rahman rightfully commenced to whipping Lewis' sorry ass all over the ESPNZone. I hope Mr. Belvedere gets beaten up again and retires. He should take Evander's old and stanking ass with him.. I want to see Mike "The Millenium Savage" Tyson get another shot at the title. I figure if he wins, the market will crash, unemployment rates will rise, Strom Thurmond and Jesse Helms will both have heart attacks and just general fun for Fountain will ensue. Afterwards Tyson can return to the WWF, get his ass beaten by Austin, who will unify all the titles.

5. Replacement Refs - Tagliabue has locked out the damn referees and hired a new crew. Well anybody whose ever talked to me about labor relations knows I fully support this type of shit. Fuck 'em. Fire 'em and replace 'em. Fuck the refs and fuck these never-happy ass airline pilots and anybody else. They all can be replaced. Apparantly the players are mad and feel the refs should be paid. I say the players can pay for it them-damn-selves or shut their candy asses up. I expect the refs to continue to be screwed. I heard Patrick Ewing was serving as their official spokesman. Of course, none of this ref stuff is going to save Jamal and Granvel from this asskicking in fantasy football and a repeat by my Victoria Rattlesnakes.

6. Danny Almonte - This is the lanky sumbitch who has kicked all the ass in the Little League World Series. Breaking news is that this fucker is 14, not 12. Additionally, this little bastard apparantly ain't been to school in the 19 months he's been in the damn country. I say beatdowns for everybody involved. Y'all have heard me say "win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat", but Jesus age Christ, cheat like you have common sense. Did Rolando Paulino or whatever the fuck his name is think he could get away with this shit? Forged certificates, lies and half the damn team ain't speaking English. This truly sucks, nobody cares about this shit. None of this translates into a professional career. Why bother? The stinking bastards from Japan or China kick everybody's ass in the end anyway. I'm all for this persecution though. These fuckers are from the Bronx and call themselves the Baby Bombers and God knows I hate the fucking Yankees. Deport this asshole or make him pitch to whoever the minor leaguer is who Superkicked that catcher. Pitch inside and it's an asskicking for Danny. That'll teach him.

Side notes:
Why don't people leave Barry Bonds alone?

Why didn't MTV hire Iceberg Slim to make a special guest appearance on the Real World to slap some sense into these out of control, crazy bitches?Where in the blue hell is former Carolina point guard, Ed Cota? (Tate and Hadley, don't say in a retirement home.)

Why do people think Georgia Tech is going to whip Florida State?

If some chick takes Blu Cantrell's advice and spend all a dude's money and fucks up his clothes after he cheats on her, shouldn't this bitch be sued?

Why can't somebody press the mute button on Destiny's Child? Leave the picture on, just turn off the sound.

Why is the employment market so bad? Law, business, tech, it doesn't matter. This shit is fucking up my California plans for next summer. I blame the modern-day Rothschild, Alan Greenspan. He can keel the fuck over right along with Thurmond and Helms. Rusty Bastard.

This shitty.And that's the bottom line 'cause I said so!

That's All I Have To Say About That (Archived August 2001)

Typically I would put some time in between installment because I know black people and with us reading is fundamental which essentially means that "I ain't reading no long ASS emails on a regular basis". I understand that but I don't give a fuck so here it is.

1.) Observations from a brother who doesn't have any pay channels in the summer (i.e. HBO, Showtime, Skinamax) don't ask why just feel my pain.

a.) BET-So what's up with BET having a Year In Review show in August......I can understand a Year In Review show in December or January (the beginning of a new year and all) I can even stretch and say that I understand a Year In Review show in June (the sixth month hence the middle of the year) but fucking August what the hell kind of calendar are they on. Wait I got it, this is the quintessential example of Nigga Time they planned to originally air the show in January and because of Niggas being Niggas, "dog I must have lost the tape during the merger" it didn't air until August.

b.) Arabesque Movies- Is anybody embarrassed to say that they have watched an entire one of these BET masterpieces. All right so I watched one or two of these movies and I'm still able to be secure in my manhood and you know what, they weren't all that bad. Now before you jump up and say Jamal's lost his damn mind remember Jamal Doesn't Have Any Pay Channels. It's either the Arabesque movie or the MSNBC expose on women weightlifters (by the way I watched that on Saturday and let me just say that I Am Scared). You know I especially enjoyed the movie with Kadeem Hardison (Where has he been and what happen to the flip glasses) and Lark V(fuck I can't spell it but you know who I'm talking about she is that chick from Saved By the Bell). Well anyway Kadeem is this Arsenio Hall type and Lark is this Congressman's daughter and well shit to cut a story short and not ruin the whole movie (in case you end up flipping past BET in search of quality television) they fall in love.

c.) Arabesque Movies II-Here is an interesting observation from the movie previously mentioned in section B. Well I found it quite humors that a Chante Moore song happens to be playing in the background on a number of occasions when Kadeem and Lark are getting it on (having sex for the unimaginative). So You Got a Man Huh.

d.) Chante Moore and Dwayne Wayne-That brings up the question What happened? Damn I mean you made a record about how you "Got a Man" and next thing I know you don't have a man. Say girl somebody take your man? Get tired of your man? Maybe he wasn't the man (all you girls get your head out of the gutter)? You prefer a woman over your man (for all the freaks in the house)? Well if anybody knows the deal let me know because I don't think the Enquirer covered this one (and I'm not even going to say anything about Phylicia and Ahmad Rashad).

e.) Arabesque Movies III-Well all thought these movies kind of suck they do show black love which is all too often neglected in this society and absent the Cosby Show reruns, not shown enough on T.V (you can catch an hours worth of Cosby on TBS at 4:00pm eastern Ted Turner is my mother fucker).

f.) THE Real World-Yes I watch that shit (because lets say it all together Jamal Doesn't Have Any Pay Channels) and finally after years of drama we finally have three yes three black people on the show. I don't think they could possibly kick all of them off or could they. You know I think this is a truly great moment in t.v. (some may disagree) because little white boys and girls with their Backstreet Boy CD's and Janet Posters (Eric I knew you would like this) are finally getting an opportunity to see a somewhat real depiction of Black people. I mean they have had several conversation about race, music (Maxwell specifically, one of my personal favorites) and most importantly why black women have problem with black men dating white women. While I'm sure that most white kids still don't understand the reason for this argument (we're all people dude so love is love) it's still great to know that they have to listen to our perspective for at least thirty minutes on a Tuesday night.

2. W- Shit no one told me we had two Black presidents in a row. You ask how do I know this well because the last president is living in Harlem and the current president is taking a month vacation. What kind of Nigga shit is that.........now we(black people) have been know to take a month vacation before but usually when we come back we don't have a job anymore. What the fuck............you know I blame people in Florida for this shit. So what are you going to do W, fire up Airforce one, pick up the girls (his daughters and hopefully an ugly intern because everyone is doing them) and go get a couple of drinks? Fuck it, why don't you come to big D we will fire up the grill and then we can talk about your dumb ass, your daughters drunk ass, and you Vice Presidents heart attack having dead ass (if the FBI is reading this I'm just joking). You know that was mean. I take it back. I'm sure that Cheeny will make it until next year as long as he keeps popping Energizers.

Single thoughts because I be thinking:
1.) Don't you just love the Boondooks (Gerald calm down) a black comic strip for us by us.
2.) Did Lil Kim's breasts get bigger again
3.) Where the fuck is the new Maxwell CD
4.) I walked from the car to the movie theater on Sunday and came to the conclusion that it just isn't safe being outside in Texas in the Summer (How hot was it you ask, well all I know is that it was at least triple digits and once it goes past there I stop counting for my own safty I mean no nigga should know the true temperature that might cause a run on Kool Aid or something)
5.) I love AC, AC is my friend, if you don't have AC, don't use AC, I aint coming over that aint hattin it's just the truth because I have to draw the line somewhere and in Texas that's where you draw the line.
6.) Has anybody seen Dre Davis?
7.) White people will always steal your ideas at work so keep them to yourself.
8.) While I am still reeling from my golf defeat at the hands of THE CHAP I take comfort in the fact that I beat his ass several time in John Madden. Don't come to the house unless you are ready to bring it.
9.) I also expect to rebound with a crushing defeat of Mr. Simon on Saturday (if we are lucky he will throw a fit and break a club or something).
10.) And last but not least those feeling sorry for a brotha may request my address and send tapes of Sex in the City, Soul Food, The Roy Jones fight, that expose on the Baltimore Raven, any episode of Real Sex (everybody watches but nobody admits it) and any other quality television that I happen to be missing because lets say it all together

Jamal Doesn't Have Any Pay Channels. That's all I have to say about that.