The Rattlesnake's Bite (Archived August 2001)

Yep, it's about that time. Coming off another loot-laden summer, a recent Janet concert, live viewings of Raw and Smackdown and soon to embark on the free-agent like recruiting process at a top 10 law school, you might say your boy is feeling pretty good. Well you'd be right. However, being the malcontent. greedy individual that I am, I'm never happy. Here come the venom (not that shitty bastard in Tallshassee either).

1. Mariah - this heffer has been covered in recent e-mails, but still. Being able to remember when Mariah actually wore clothes makes me feel old (but not as old as you jokers save Gerald). Now she looks like she could go work at the Gold Club. So she has a nervous breakdown. Who gives a rat's ass! My guess is somebody showed her the Vision of Love video and the flashback was too much. Now her and her manufactured sound are going to be in a movie. I can't wait for this shit...it is a flick isn't it?

2. Marion Jones - so Marion lost a damn race and everybody threw a party. How pathetic is that? "We're getting closer", "It's time for somebody else to win some". See, these hookers are the same type of people that support the breakup of Microsoft. She still can kick any of their asses and now that she's rid of that big, creatine taking, felon of an ex-husband, it's about to get worse for everybody. I'm not suprised she lost. After carrying Mr. Stay-Puft around for so long, it had to be different without him. Anyway, the former Tarheel came back to start another streak and I look for more asswhipping at the Goodwill Games.

3. College Football - The best time of the year is upon us. If this Brazilian New Year thing doesn't go off, look for Fountain in Pasedena for the Miami v. Michigan National Championship game. Alright, my beloved Wolverines may not make it, but damn if the 'Canes ain't going. After being shafted last year, look for more off-field thuggery, taunting, running up the score and all the other factors that made the Dade County boys a national power. By the way Gerald, I'm expecting last year's Sears trophy to arrive in Miami via Fed-Ex anyday now. Theft is theft.

4. Lewis/Rahman - Apparantly The Sissy Englishman and Haseem (I refuse to call him The Rock) can't wait until November to get it on. Good. Why the hell does a fight take 8 or 9 months to come off any-dam-way? I know cats who'll go to war, 7 days a week for 2 dollars and a biscuit. This is bullshit. Rahman said Lewis did something gay and Lewis (in a Freudian slip) assumed he meant homosexual tendencies. Then Lewis proceeding to give an impromptu chest massage that he tried to pass off as a push. My ass. He was feeling the man up. Rahman rightfully commenced to whipping Lewis' sorry ass all over the ESPNZone. I hope Mr. Belvedere gets beaten up again and retires. He should take Evander's old and stanking ass with him.. I want to see Mike "The Millenium Savage" Tyson get another shot at the title. I figure if he wins, the market will crash, unemployment rates will rise, Strom Thurmond and Jesse Helms will both have heart attacks and just general fun for Fountain will ensue. Afterwards Tyson can return to the WWF, get his ass beaten by Austin, who will unify all the titles.

5. Replacement Refs - Tagliabue has locked out the damn referees and hired a new crew. Well anybody whose ever talked to me about labor relations knows I fully support this type of shit. Fuck 'em. Fire 'em and replace 'em. Fuck the refs and fuck these never-happy ass airline pilots and anybody else. They all can be replaced. Apparantly the players are mad and feel the refs should be paid. I say the players can pay for it them-damn-selves or shut their candy asses up. I expect the refs to continue to be screwed. I heard Patrick Ewing was serving as their official spokesman. Of course, none of this ref stuff is going to save Jamal and Granvel from this asskicking in fantasy football and a repeat by my Victoria Rattlesnakes.

6. Danny Almonte - This is the lanky sumbitch who has kicked all the ass in the Little League World Series. Breaking news is that this fucker is 14, not 12. Additionally, this little bastard apparantly ain't been to school in the 19 months he's been in the damn country. I say beatdowns for everybody involved. Y'all have heard me say "win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat", but Jesus age Christ, cheat like you have common sense. Did Rolando Paulino or whatever the fuck his name is think he could get away with this shit? Forged certificates, lies and half the damn team ain't speaking English. This truly sucks, nobody cares about this shit. None of this translates into a professional career. Why bother? The stinking bastards from Japan or China kick everybody's ass in the end anyway. I'm all for this persecution though. These fuckers are from the Bronx and call themselves the Baby Bombers and God knows I hate the fucking Yankees. Deport this asshole or make him pitch to whoever the minor leaguer is who Superkicked that catcher. Pitch inside and it's an asskicking for Danny. That'll teach him.

Side notes:
Why don't people leave Barry Bonds alone?

Why didn't MTV hire Iceberg Slim to make a special guest appearance on the Real World to slap some sense into these out of control, crazy bitches?Where in the blue hell is former Carolina point guard, Ed Cota? (Tate and Hadley, don't say in a retirement home.)

Why do people think Georgia Tech is going to whip Florida State?

If some chick takes Blu Cantrell's advice and spend all a dude's money and fucks up his clothes after he cheats on her, shouldn't this bitch be sued?

Why can't somebody press the mute button on Destiny's Child? Leave the picture on, just turn off the sound.

Why is the employment market so bad? Law, business, tech, it doesn't matter. This shit is fucking up my California plans for next summer. I blame the modern-day Rothschild, Alan Greenspan. He can keel the fuck over right along with Thurmond and Helms. Rusty Bastard.

This shitty.And that's the bottom line 'cause I said so!