TDRS-THE UNIVERSAL RATINGS SCALE EDITION

Sup Folk! I’m back at it with some of the new stuff. I’d like to send shout-outs to the new readers (Blackgeek, Dolski, Kinetic Ken) and thanks to those who always give some feedback or suggestions for the next TDRS.

……..So have you ever been hooked up by a friend? I have many times and I tell you there have been a couple of times where I was pretty disappointed. Let me quickly give a shout out to my boy Jamal who has, as he says, given me “lay-ups” (you can take that literally). I must admit that his assists to me have been so good, I think he should be added to the NBA’s 50 greatest players list, maybe even replace the top assist man John Stockton.

Now why was I disappointed on the non-jamal hook-ups? It was generally because of miscommunication between the matchmaker and myself. You’d think if someone said Rico I got this girl for you and she’s pretty cute, that that would be good, right? ……WRONG. The word cute is so misused that it needs to be eliminated from the English language.

So what does cute mean? After countless times of hearing the word, I have decided to really help my brothas out, so you don’t get caught up in “that” uncomfortable situation. You know what I am talking about right? That “hey, __________(fill in your name here), I got this girl you may wanna meet, she’s cute scenario”.

“She’s Cute”
We all know Cute for women is totally different than cute for men. When your matchmaker says she is cute, you should be pessimistic at best fellas. She’s cute translates into “she’s alright”. I suggest when your matchmaker says cute, to wait about 5 minutes because she’s cute almost certainly will be followed up with the all to familiar “but”. This is the key fellas. Wait for the but, because then you will get the laundry list of why she is actually just alright and not really cute. Here are just a few examples and what they really mean. She’s cute, “BUT”:

(i) “She’s sort of shy”----Meaning she probably is a card carrying member of the “TD Jake’s book of the month club”. Basically it’s going to take at least 3 months to cause her to “lose her religion” like REM.
(ii) “She’s not fat, but curvy”---This is the ultimate one here, because “but” was used twice. Using “but” twice is the equivalent of a double negative. Fellas, whenever she says “but” twice to describe her friend, focus on the first adjective he or she is trying to offset, because she is likely that adjective multiplied by some factor. In the above statement, she IS fat!
(iii) “She’s sort of dating someone right now”---This is the matchmaker’s undercover way of saying you can get some, but it’s strictly that because she has a man that she really likes. Fellas, the matchmaker knows her girl has the hots for you so, “go on and be a DOG, DOG” and “knock her back out”!
(iv) “She just got out of a relationship”-----Stay away, stay far far away!

Ladies, I am sorry to be going on and on with this cute thing, but I just got to stop the madness. CUTE MEANS OR TRANSLATES INTO “ALRIGHT” FOR GUYS. Fellas, we know what alright means. Alright means “if I were at a club and I was just finishing up my third or fourth crown and coke, then I could take her home, assuming I have no other options”. Ladies, “alright” is a feeling we have. It’s a feeling we have after there are no other options at the club. Alright is the equivalent to giving up or loosening standards. If she’s “alright”, she is usually pretty aggressive b/c she knows she is just “alright”. Fellas know about these girls all too well. They wait at the club for you to have that third drink and then aggressively pursue you. Fellas try to run, but to no avail. We finally say “Alright, I’ll dance with you and she’s at your house for the after-party. After meaning, THAT AFTER YOU WAKE UP YOU REALIZE “IT” WAS JUST ALRIGHT!

The Universal Ratings Scale

To solve the problem of using the word cute, I suggest using a simple number rating. Numbers are so easy and to the point. Guys have been using the scale for years and the results are just amazing.

“10”
Drop dead gorgeous! I’m talking on her hands and knees saying “I want you to make me feel real good” to Billy Bob Thornton, Oscar winning type gorgeous.

“9”
A 10 rating is reserved for only a talented few and the only real 9’s in the world are the “former 10s” who were replaced by a much more talented 10. For example Vanessa Williams used to be 10 and was replaced by Halle Berry. For you younger folks out there, J-lo used to be a 10 and has been forever replaced by Jessica Alba or whatever chic the fellas want to replace her with. Now I know you are wondering if this theory works in reverse, i.e. can a 9 become a 10? Honestly, I don’t think so, but at the end of the day does it really matter that much. I mean if J-lo came knockin on my door at 9:00pm do you think I am going to be upset that it wasn’t Jessica?

“8”
Okay, this is what all women should strive for. I got a message for all of you would be, wanna-be, and haters of 8’s and it is that no matter what you think you are, the “market” (i.e. the fellas) determine your rating. It’s the equivalent of selling a house. You may think that the house is worth X, but then get your feelings hurt when no one bids or the bids are below what you think you should get. Even worse if you have friends that you are using as “comps” and they get better offers than you. We can take this a step forward for those ladies who may wondering if they are an 8.

Before I get to that, let me dispel something real quick. Just because you get “hollered” at when you go to the club means absolutely nothing. Many of those potential “buyers (brothas tryin to holla)” are wack to begin with. They can’t even afford the women or houses (to continue with the example) they are trying to buy. Don’t be fooled ladies, because these guys artificially build up your net worth or confidence. Beware!

Anyway, so how do you determine if you an 8? I know this is going to tick off some people but I am going to go here anyway. There is one sure fire way and it is honestly somewhat disturbing. If one of those good All-American white guys makes a conscientious effort to holla at you, then you are probably a solid 8 or higher. White guys aren’t stupid you know, unlike some of my brothas. If they decide to coat their vanilla wafers with chocolate, you can best believe it is going to be the highest quality chocolate out there. They’ll go to Switzerland if they have to. You tell me, when have you seen a white guy with a not so “tight” sista or any woman of color? Okay remember folks this write-up is for entertainment purposes only so don’t be emailing me pissed off. Actually, I’d like it if you did, b/c I will get no better pleasure than making fun of your rant in a future TDRS. Ha!

Anyway, you know I love lists so here a few more ways to figure out if you are an 8.

1. You rarely, if ever, have the classic he “dogged” me stories.
2. You remain quiet when your girlfriends complain that they can’t find a good man.
3. Your boss at work can barely look you in the eye when he is giving some sort of directive.
4. You end it with “good”guys prematurely b/c they “actually” want to settle down and not be playas any more.
5. The crew of girls you hang with are 6’s (discussed later) at best b/c two or more 8’s just can’t be friends.
6. You somehow passed Calculus at FAMU in Dr. Anderson’s class and till this day you can’t calculate what the derivative of X-squared is.
7. Guy’s are always trying to take their picture with you at the club.
8. You go to the club with 10 bucks and you wake up the next morning with a big hangover and the smell of waffle house or ihop on your clothes, but still have 10 bucks in your pocket.
9. You’re speeding and the cop doesn’t even bother to stop you!-This almost encroaching on 9 territory.
10. A guy is actually or trying really hard to be faithful to you. The Eric Benet rule applies here (discussed in a future TDRS).

“7”
Oh the lucky number 7. There is nothing wrong with being a solid 7. If I would describe myself, I would say I am solid 7. Unlike a 9, a seven could easily move up to an 8 and maybe, just maybe a nine. A seven really means you are better than “cute” and have serious upside potential. This could or most times means (i) spending a little time on the treadmill or at the gym, (i) having a little dental work done, (iii) getting that “super” perm or just getting the hair to be presentable, or (iv) the more subjective, getting the ATTITUDE in check.

“6”
Okay a six is the lowest that I am going to go today. I actually should have stopped at seven or even eight, but because I cited the “6” earlier, I must dedicate some time to this rating. First off all a 6 cannot jump to an 8. There is just something about a 6 that will forever prevent them from making that leap and most times its just motivation. A 6:

(i) Is like a washed up football player. They know they can never play in the big “leagues”, so they decide to get a job as a bouncer to make them “feel” like they are still special. Remember how I had said 8’s have 6’s as friends? Well it’s because 6’s are the bodyguard’s for 8’s. They make the 8 feel good and frankly make the 8 look better.
(ii) Is why guys have wingmen, we need somebody to distract the 6.
(iii) Looks worse everytime you see her. She is always bigger the next time you see her.
(iv) Is Soo wack she doesn’t even know what her hairdresser’s name is.
(v) Has only two numbers in her cell phone directory, home and the number of the 8 she’s protecting on speed dial, even though she gives out her number more than anyone on the planet.
(vi) Is always the one complaining about men
(vii) Has the most one night stands
(viii) Speaking of one night stands, a 6 b/c of lots of practice (did I say practice) is much more skillful at stepping to the “mic” than their friends who are 8’s b/c they feel they are above that type of behavior. This explains why your man is cheating on you with someone you feel is a “6” at best.
(ix) Laughs the loudest at things that aren’t really that funny.
(x) Is quick to get the manicure but totally forgets about the pedicure.
(xi) Always participates in the club “let out”. 8-10’s are on their way to free food!
(xii) Believes she is a seven or higher without reading this edition of TDRS.

Well, that’s all folks for this edition. I have no idea what I am going to hit you with on the next installment, but you can best believe it’s going to be something crazy. I’d like to apologize to the blackgeek (new reader) for not hitting him up with a TDRS last week. You (blackgeek) of all people should know that Thursday night at the leopard lounge was a tad bit ridiculous. There were 8’s everywhere!

Holla at ya Boy!