The Air Up Here, Vol. V - I Believe in a Thing Called . . . Edition

I have not dropped a Love Edition in 2 years, so this is long overdue. In the interim, I have produced a prodigious amount of material for this column. However being sensitive to my readers, especially a very tall one from Miami Beach, I am going to break this up into two or three installments. I hope that you all enjoy.

When people need relationship advice, whom do they come to? Me, that’s who. They call on Mr. Air Up Here a.k.a. “The Genius of Love.” Now you may ask what makes my advice so in demand? Obviously it’s not my own ability to follow it. I haven’t had a real relationship this Century, still doing that serial dating thing. So what makes my opinion so in demand? People know that Cupid and I hang real tight. I’m talking ride, cry, and die type stuff. And why are we so tight? Because Cupid’s foot and my behind have a special relationship. They are a veritable match made in heaven. He keeps kickin’ my behind and for now I take it. It’s cool though, because one day I’m going to catch that little winged-freak slippin' and straight steal on him. But enough about me, let’s get onto the love advice.


1. SIMPLE. Someone told me recently that they wouldn’t tell the object of their affection that they cared for them because they didn’t want to interfere with their current relationship, although the other party has been sending signals that all is not well at home. To this conundrum I answer verily: Life is not one of those cheesy romantic comedies that I love so much or even a Dickens novel for that matter. You do not get cool points, brownie points, style points, dap, props, (insert whatever the colloquialism may be in your area of the country) for sitting back and admiring that person from afar. You know why the terms “unrequited” and “long-suffering” refer to individuals who do not tell the objects of their affection how they feel? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Bueller? No? I’ll tell you. Because their love goes unrequited and they end up suffering a long, long time. It is just that simple. I do not care if they have a boyfriend or a girlfriend or both. In the words of those guys that used to occupy the “Players Palace” a.k.a. the Monterrey Apartments in TallyHo circa 1996/1997, “F*ck the boyfriend.” I’m not advocating that you go out and intentionally try to break up happy homes or unhappy homes for that matter; however, if you like someone then you should go for it. Do you know how I judge my level of interest in someone? By how much I’m willing to do for them or how willing I am to step out of my comfort zone and make the first move. If I’m not willing to those things, then I’m not that interested. If I see a woman at the club, at the mall, or on the Metro (I do love the Metro), and I’m not willing to step up; then obviously I wasn’t interested enough. When I am truly interested in someone I will stop at nothing (within the limits of the law) to make them mine. If don’t believe me, ask some of the women on this distribution list, they know what’s up. I’ve flown to one of the coldest places on Earth to get my holla on. I’ve sent flowers and candy. I’ve written love letters. I’ve burned so many mix CDs I’m surprised the RIAA isn’t looking for me right now (this was only of songs off CDs that I had purchased, please don’t sue me). I did not give those illustrations to demonstrate how great I am (although you know it’s true). I did it to show that if you aren’t willing to step up and put your heart on the line, then you know what you can do? You can prepare to live the rest of your life without them. Once again, my loyal readers, it is just that simple. My sister has this saying, “The days of holding hands and kicking cans are over.” For the non-Southerners out there, I will translate. It means if you are over 25, please act like an adult in all areas of your life, but especially in love. Dispense with the game-playing and become familiar with that term that is so crazy it may just work -- “honesty.” I am not implying that by simply being honest everything is magically going to work out in the way that you imagined. I had a woman tell me, “This between you and me is not going to work; however, I’m going to give you some advice for the future. That self-deprecating comedy thing you do isn’t going to cut it.” I have to admit that her words cut deep, but they helped me to focus on whether or not someone was truly important to me. If I made the decision that they were, then I had to go all out, no half-assing it. Another item that needs to be overcome is what someone once referred to as the “illusion of commitment.” As a man now in my late 20s, I find it amusing when I see teenagers or collegians running around talking about I’m in a committed relationship. Three weeks later, I see that they have “committed” to someone else. The fact is that until a person is engaged with a wedding date set for less than a year out, they are single in my mind. If I’m feeling them, I’m going to let them know. Now I know that some of you are going to take it too far and interpret what I’m saying as a blanket justification to openly interfere in other people’s genuinely committed relationships and marriages, as Lee Corso says on ESPN’s Gameday, “Not so fast, my friend.” Once someone is married you leave her or him alone. I don’t care if they are saying they will love you down easily like the Isleys. You just don’t do it. Have enough respect for yourself and their vows to just say no. I am also not encouraging continuous meddling in others relationships committed or otherwise. What I wish to impart is there is nothing wrong with just once telling someone "this is how I feel, this is what I can offer, and this how I perceive things could be if you were with me." That’s it . . . nothing more, nothing less. In the words of Biggie Smalls you “lay (your) game down quit flat” one time and then you let it go. The ball is there court. They can choose to pick it up and run with it or they can leave it alone. However you can be content knowing that they know how you feel and you won’t have that nagging “what if” question haunting your thoughts. That’s all folks, the Love Doctor is out. “. . . what / more / can / I / say . . . what more can I say.”

2. I LOVE YOU. I was riding the Metro the other day and I saw a couple signing to one another. It was obvious that they were in love, not only from the fact that they signed, “I love you,” which is one of the few signs besides the alphabet that I recognize; but also the general interactions between them. Their body language spoke so much louder than just the mere words of saying “I love you.” Possibly because of their deafness, they were able to communicate the feeling in a way that many of us that supposedly have all of our senses cannot. This prompted me to think BDP-style about this thing that we call love. How often we throw the word around that its true meaning becomes sullied. I love my car, my house, my money, my (fill in the blank with mindless material possessions). Or we state that I love that woman or I love that man and we have only known them for two weeks. Is it really love or is some other primal urge within that reptilian sector of our brains really driving our consciousness? Conversely, for those individuals that you truly love: your mother, your father, your siblings, your grandparents . . . Do they ever hear those words spoken from your lips? Better yet, do you show them through your actions that you actually care? I know that y’all are thinking, “That boy must be going through it, because he’s on that soapbox once again.” You’re right I’m going through something, but aren’t I always? You saw what I wrote earlier: Cupid’s foot, my ass . . . Any questions? Once again prepare yourself for a long list of personal examples, not because I want your sympathy; I don’t. Not because I’m so innocent, 'cause I do some jacked-up stuff. It is only because I don’t like to call people out too often and it’s easier to remember my own stories than to recall yours. As I think I have mentioned before, I quit lying to people back in 1999. It surveyed my life, decided what was and wasn’t important, and I’ve been on a journey ever since to redefine life based on the principles and mores that I hold in esteem. Sometimes I live up to the standard and sometimes I fall short, but it is the goal that keeps me going. Anyway, I found myself wondering why it had been so easy back in the day for me to say, “I love you” to my girlfriend or I love my car, etc., but so hard for me say those words to my family. I recalled a story a friend from elementary school once told me. She stated that whenever someone in her family would go on a trip, they would say, “I love you” because they never knew what might happen on that flight, car trip, train ride, etc. She said if they forgot their ritual before the person left the house then they would call on the pay phone or cell just to let each other know. I thought her idea had merit and started to incorporate it into my own life. I started out by calling up my immediate family members before every plane trip. Eventually I would transition to telling them I love them at the end of all our conversations. At first, it was strange because those words do not naturally emanate from my mouth. I know it was bizarre for them because I was always the one that tried to internalize my feelings, shielding them from the gaze of the outside world. However, it turned out to be a very liberating experience. I know that no matter what we are going through, no matter what happens, those closest to me know that I love them. We do not know what the future holds, and one of these days I know that conversation that I have with them will be the last.On the other hand, I am not advocating acting like you are auditioning to be Cupid’s lackey by spuriously stating your love for someone when the feelings, the sentiment, and the actions are not present. Useless repetition debases the meaning and undercuts its value more than not saying the words at all. For example, around the time that I came to the epiphany to quit lying to people, I purposed within myself to take back the value of the term love in my romantic relationships. I made a promise to myself that I would never again tell a woman, “I love you” until in the next breath I could say, “Will you marry me?” This does not mean that when those words next come out of my mouth that a proposal will immediately follow. However, the recipient of that statement can have a greater than reasonable assurance that they are someone with whom I see myself building a lifetime. In the past 6 years, I have only said, “I love you” to one person in a romantic sense. I’m not speaking about talking about love in general or saying something along the lines that “I could see myself loving you.” I have only made the declarative statement “I love you” to one individual in a romantic nature in that time frame. To be totally honest, I think the significance of the declaration, of the moment, of the internal struggle I faced to utter that phrase was lost on her. I told her multiple times in an attempt to relay the gravity of the moment; I should have stopped at one. Those words have never left my lips since. I know y’all are like “GT has been on this love topic hard, when is he going to crack a joke, when is he going to clown on some politician?” I keep harping on this topic because I believe it to be of utmost importance, especially in communities of color. God didn’t put us here to live our lives alone. Why do you think that solitary confinement is considered punishment? Although everyone needs “alone time” they also need that interaction, that communion of spirits that comes from being involved with one another. To recap: 1.) Material love is not real love. 2.) Tell your family you love them as often as possible. 3.) Value the word “love” and how you use it in your relationships. 4.) Do not give up; do not stop looking for love, because it is out there for us all.

3. SOUNDTRACK OF MY LIFE. Music plays a very important role in my life. It provides an outlet for my emotions, a refuge for my feelings. It can instantly bring me back to the most important times of my life both good and bad. Anytime I hear anything off of Jodeci's Diary of a Mad Band, I am instantly transported back to high school. I'm riding in my gray 1984 Ford Tempo with the red leather interior and no air conditioning. I'm rolling down the beach in a wifebeater, whereas not to have a wet spot on the back of the shirt I had hanging up in the back of the car, before picking up my girl for a date. Anytime I hear Carl Thomas' "I Wish", I'm back at the infamous Movie Nights at the Blairstone Apts kickin game that bordered on Olympic. When I hear Bilal's "You Are," I think about Spring/Summer 2002, and the times that I had in TallyHo, Philly, and most of all Atlanta. Music is powerful medium and what I listen to oftentimes shapes the content of this column. In the future I plan on giving you a peek into what I was listening to while formulating each story; for now, here is list of songs that provided inspiration or just were playing in background while I wrote this edition. I highly recommend adding them all to your collection.

a. "Wonderwall" by Ryan Adams
b. " Love's Gonna Get You" by Boogie Down Productions (BDP)
c. "You'll Never Find Another Love" by Lou Rawls
d. " I Miss You" by Blink 182
e. "Simple" by India Arie
f. "A Little Deeper" by Ms. Dynamite
g. "These Three Words" by Stevie Wonder
h. " Somewhere Only We Know" by Keane


Before I go, I would like to address a statement that received the most attention from the Can't Stay Away Edition. Some readers took issue with the fact that I stated, "see you when you get divorced." I think that these individuals took the statement out of context and did not understand that it was intended to be humorous. The person to whom it was directed found it amusing, and I even gave her the option of giving the thumbs up/thumbs down on whether to include or delete that whole section (something I have never done before). The statement was in no way meant to be malicious. It was meant to convey that I have supreme confidence that I was/am/and forever will be a better man for her than the person she will eventually settle down with. Forgive me for possibly crossing the line into the area of conceit, but those that know me well, know it's something that I strive to keep in check. Much love, God bless and look for the next installment soon.

--AIR © 2005