TDRS-THE BAR ETIQUETTE EDITION

Oh it’s your Country Boy ThatDamnRicSimon and I am coming at you with another 3,000+, word classic. As always, I like to thank the readers, the readers who forwarded the TDRS to future readers, and to those future readers who will forward TDRS to even more future readers. Thank-You, Thank-You, Thank-You! The last TDRS was fun b/c I received a number of emails with even more questions for me to answer. I promise I’ll answer each and every one of those questions in a future TDRS. I also received more than one request regarding my mentioning of a 2002 TDRS regarding “Bar Etiquette”. Seeing as if I was in Dallas boozing it up last week for March Madness, I thought I would go back into the archives and send out the “Bar Etiquette” classic to all of the TDRS rookies. While an older edition, I have added even more commentary, so for those who think they’ve already read this one I’d strongly suggest reading it again. You might learn something new.

How Do I assure myself a consistent flow of alcohol?

Well that is an easy one. For those of us who are true alcoholics (50-Gran, Jamiz, ThatDamnRicSimon, The Rattlesnake, and all of my fellow FAMU rattlers), the key to getting a drink is getting BAR POSITION and the only way to get BAR POSITION, my friends, is to get there FIRST! Again, I repeat, this is only for true alcoholics. We don’t care to be fashionably late. We are only concerned with getting our drink on!

Those who plan to drink only one or two drinks, I say, don’t go to the bar, b/c you are wasting a bartender’s time and taking up space that could otherwise be occupied by true alcoholics.


Overcrowded Bar
Okay, I hate it when this happens. Its either (a) the bar is surrounded and there is no way to get a drink or (b) you actually have bar position and the bartender is constantly being distracted by that guy frantically waving a hand-full of $20 bills and shouting “eh shawty let me get some of dat hen”. Okay being the consummate bar professional, I got the answers for all of your problems.

I am speaking to the guys on this one, b/c frankly if you’re female and are a 7 or above, there is absolutely no reason for you to stand and wait to get a drink. A 7 or above can easily just say excuse me and get to the bar way quicker than the average dude. In fact, if a 7 or above gets to the bar it’s likely the dude who has been waiting to get the bartender’s attention all night, will give up his slot by saying to the bartender “she was here first”. I call this the “creep” phenomenon. Ladies, if this hasn’t happened to you and you feel you are a 7 or above, then it may be time to reassess your internal ratings. I’ll venture to say though that all of the women I know on this distribution list have experienced the creep phenomenon.

Now back to the guys…….
It can be inferred from the above that the bar space is primarily taken up by dudes, which makes it difficult for another dude to get his drink. This is not a problem guys. Here are three rules to follow:
Rule# 1: Follow the 7-10’s to the bar
Because 7’s and above will always lead you to the promise land.

Rule# 2: Go to the bar with at least two fellow alcoholics.
Three alcoholics are better than one. The three of you should break-up and attack
the middle and corners of the bar. The likelihood of at least one of you getting a
drink is exponentially higher than just one person succeeding. Let me just
interject here and say this assumes the three alcoholics are playing “Anglo” rules. By that I mean everyone buys everyone a round of drinks. None of this, “I am just drinking water” or “you ordered a top shelf drink, so you owe me three
bucks” crap! Also for all of you wanna be balers out there. Also, if your boys don’t ask for Moet, then don’t go and buy a $200+ bottle, because I for one am not going to spend the same amount for the next round.

Rule#3-Always look for another bar in the club b/c “our people”, aka colored folk,
love standing in line for stuff: Financial Aid, Books, Food at the Café (shout out to those who stood in the waffle line at FAM…..at DINNER TIME!), and last but not least, the club. Let me interject here again and say that the fellas and I set an all time record for standing in a club line last week in Dallas…..1 hour and 45 minutes. The club was called Purgatory and ironically I really felt like I was really between heaven (the beautiful ladies waiting in line with us) and hell (the windy 35-40 degree weather that we had to endure).

How much should I tip?
What people forget, is that tipping is an expense that can really add up. Your goal is to reduce tipping expense. To wake up the next morning excited that you have a few bucks left in your pocket, I strongly suggest following these simple rules:

Rule #1, you only tip to get a stronger drink or free shot the next time. There is no such thing as tipping b/c it is the right thing to do. Moreover, don’t tip until you taste. If it is tight then wait till you see the bartender’s face, express your satisfaction and then tip.

Rule #2-Buy more than one drink, like five or six and tip 3 bucks. Have your boys do a couple of rounds, each tipping 2 bucks. The key is what finance people call economies of scale. If you can get more drinks per tip, that means you have effectively lowered your cost per unit. Because the bartender (the supplier) is more concerned with volume of tips as opposed to tip per drink, he may occasionally give out incentives like a free shot, or even a round for the boys. This even further reduces the cost. Let me say that I can’t recall a time where Jamiz and I haven’t received some sort of perk from the bartender. Moreover, for those of you unbelievers, I welcome you to hang out with ya boys to see for yourself. Ms. Spice Davis was an unbeliever and she saw the power of bar position first hand and I wasn’t even with my #1 drinking partner.

Rule #3- Open a tab. Think about it. If you open a tab, you don’t have the pressure to leave a tip each time after a drink. Quietly, you can get away without paying a tip at all b/c usually the bartender is only concerned with the dollar bills that are being left at the bar and not the receipt that you leave behind. Just make sure your crew reimburses you once everything shuts down for the night. If you are worried about your ATM card/credit card reaching its limit then please refrain from this behavior and please don’t try to be part of my drinking club.

Rule #4-Buy the bartender a shot. This is pretty much common sense, but few people actually do it. Just think, a shot makes the bartender’s motor skills a little bit suspect, so when she (preferably) starts pouring that crown, I guarantee you her lack of reflex will result in a nice strong drink for you. Remember guys, bartenders are our friends and we should treat them just like we would treat ourselves……..WITH A DRINK!

When to Say When?
For the true “lics”, this question translates into “When” do I ask, “When” the last call is? True Lic’s are always wondering if there is enough time to get another drink.

So I know some of you are thinking TDRS and his boys (Ebony and Dolski you are included here) are alcoholics. And I would say, yes you are so correct. However, while we are lics, we know how to “handle” our liquor. True Lics know the stages of drunkenness and can adjust if need be. For those of you wanna be lics, I have taken it upon myself to explain in painful detail the stages of drunkenness and how to get there.


The Stages of Drunkeness
Let me start of by saying it is not the alcohol, but the person that determines drunkenness.

Nice
Definition: not to be too excited but super cool.

Key Characteristics- You are
(i) feeling good and relaxed.
(i) Having that really approachable aura about you.
(ii) Making the opposite sex melt with the “nice” smile at this stage.

The Drink to Get You There:
Brothas: A glass of Crown Royale with splash of coke for color or some Courvasier.
Ladies: 2 fruity drinks or one really well made Appletini.

Nice stage Advice: It is not cool to be drinking Couvasier or martinis out of plastic cups. If you are guilty of this, you are in the wrong place to be in the nice stage.

Buzzed
Definition: A step beyond nice. Things are suddenly very funny in this stage. If you are with the boys or girls, the topic of conversation is typically some hilarious event that occurred the last time you all were “buzzed”. For instance when the “fellas” are pretty buzzed we always think back to our college days and laugh about such things as (sorry for those readers who don’t know these people, but trust me it was damn funny at the time):
McCoy’s “pink” tie die shirt. FYI this was his number 1 outfit for the trip.
AIR’s kidnapping by the mean streets of New Orleans---“Is that AIR with the Gap sweater face down on Bourbon street?” It should be noted that AIR was probably there a good 1-2hrs before we stumbled upon him.
The “Fellas” all agreeing one morning during Mardi-Gras that Soleidad Obrien (the newscaster chick) was pretty damn hot. Mind you, we actually sat and thought about this for about half an hour after watching at least 4 consecutive episodes of the Cosby show at the La Pavillion Hotel in New Orleans.
Sneaking in the back door at club CPA in Tallahasse……Numerous Times!
Doug Johnson “supersizing” his entrée at Pappadeaux Restaurant in Houston. To put this in perspective, picture going to a steakhouse and ordering a pork-chop to go with your main porterhouse steak entrée.
Jamiz and TDRS considering a flight to Jamaica as opposed to our scheduled Bahamas flight b/c two certified 10’s boarded the Jamaican airlines plane. Sadly, I think Jamaican airlines would have let us board the plane.
McCoy (we love him, b/c he IS special) questioning Jamiz on the whereabouts of his rather attractive cousin. I’ll leave it to my beloved readers to guess where she was!
Jamiz and TDRS predicting a wet t-shirt contest in the Bahamas would eventually get out of hand. FYI, if there are more than two “Anglo” women in any contest of this nature, I strongly suggest the shy ladies to bow out gracefully, because they always take it there or should I say take it off.
Big Mike falling a sleep at the wheel after a long night of clubbing in Tallahassee. The funny thing is Mike never left the parking lot. He slept there all night with one hand on the wheel, only to be discovered by the fellas the next morning.
Ordering Papa John’s Pizza after the Kappa Luia. Doesn’t sound very funny, but you would laugh if you saw at least 6 dudes pass out (aka catching the “itis”) after eating the pizza only to wake up the next morning wondering what happened. Let’s just say, the dudes (3 of the six) who had bedrooms in the apartment, didn’t even make it to them.
The “I’m So “High” Nights I and II” and “The AKA party at the “Stoop”circa 1996. Who would have ever thought that drinking some 151 Rum Punch (The Rattlesnake, 50-Gran, and ThatDamnRicSimon) that had been sitting in the fridge for 4 days after a Tyson fight party would cause so much debauchery?
Key Characteristics of Buzzed: In this stage, one is starting believe that they can “talk” to anyone in the club. Note the operative words are “can” and “believe”. This is a great stage to be in b/c confidence is high, but you are not yet as my D’tua (Detroit) folk say “OFC”-Outta Fuc$king control, which is discussed shortly. Here a couple of signs to know when a girl is really buzzed at the club and ladies don’t act like you don’t know:
She believes that every song the DJ plays is their song and she lets everyone in the club know it.
She has the nerve to go to the DJ booth to request her favorite song and actually think the DJ will play it next.
She gets on any sort of platform to dance. For instance, she pushes the hot go-go dancers off their perch or EVEN WORSE, dances on the bar. This is, dare I say, blasphemous or OFC.
She orders drinks or accepts drinks from strangers and commits alcohol abuse by not drinking them.
She does the “bend over to the front and touch the toes dance” like two or three times, but no more than that. By the way, doesn’t bending over already imply to the front? Sorry, I was just wondering. Maybe Lil John deals with women who can bend over to the back too.
She actually buys you (guy) a drink.
When she and her girls leave the dance floor, they leave in some sort of line, like they just put on some type of performance.
She asks to have a sip of your drink. Note unless your last name is Troupe (sorry Eb for putting you on blast) or Ford (as in Betty), I strongly suggest not sipping on a guys’ drink. Stick to the fruity stuff ladies.

The Drink To Get You Buzzed:
Brothas: One shot of Tequila (Patron or better), or two stiff rounds of Jack & Coke, or Rum (Barcardi Light) & Coke. Ladies: A half glass of a Long Island.

Buzzed stage Advice: Take advantage of the liquid courage in this stage. You will not be sorry.

Crunk:
Definition: Two steps beyond Nice. In this stage, one talks to everyone in the club! He believes he can grind on any and every woman. She believes she can kick any woman’s ass that touches her man. This is a great time to leave the club, if you operate in the nice stage. It is easy to spot those that are crunk or figuring out if the club has or will become crunk. Here are some warning signs:

If at least one guy is wearing a wife beater or one of those “gay” tanktop things that 50-cent wears. Yeah I said it 50! If 50-cent somehow gets this email, then this means there must be some money clanking in my “piggybank”.
Dudes are rocking those big black Biggie Small shades with cool-g sweaters.
You hear the words “Okay”, “We don’t give a f_ _CK”, “Where u from”, or “We Ready” from the speakers.
Ladies don’t even turnaround to see who they are dancing with.
Guys just start grinding on the first available butt that walks by.
The parking lot is loaded with more than 10 General Motors SUVs, chromed out and sitting on 20s. Don’t believe GM executives who say their North American market share is slipping people!
There is still a line outside and the club closes in less than an hour.
It’s really, really dark and the only thing you see is the body heat people give off. Sort of like what the Predator saw before Schwarzenegger got it in that ass.
The ladies are wearing any of the following: (i) camouflage, (ii) leopard or tiger print (iii) cow designs or polka dots and (iv) the always questionable/risky cowboy hat. Let me just say that only a small few can pull off the cowboy hat at the club.
Tattoos (female) that are supposed to be seen by that special someone are open to the public. Speaking of, if it looks like a tiger has left his tracks on her chest, then run for the door quickly b/c she is “BOUT IT”.
The flyer that promotes the party has Halle Berry on the front and says hosted by NFL player X or NBA player Y. Actually let me go and record and say any party that is supposedly hosted by Charles Woodson or Allen Iverson isn’t worth your time. Trust Me!
Dudes are paying for $8 drinks with $100 bills. Who carries $100 bills? I’m sorry but the last time I checked, you have to physically walk into a bank and request those bills. I’m sorry, ladies, but if your new friend at the club is paying with $100 bills, you should start asking questions.
You see maybe only one white guy and he has a goat-tee and is rocking an Ecko sweater with herringbone chain.
The club runs out of Hennessey.
Any party at club 112 in Atlanta.

The Drink to Get You Crunk: A bottle of Hennessey (that is if any is left), Anything with Seagrams Gin, E&J (aka erk and jerk) or more than three shots of Cuervo.


Do I Dance at the Club?
I think it was Mac 10 that said “real gangtas don’t dance they booggie”. Well I’d like to extend this and say that true Lic’s never leave the bar and we always take something home, if at the least, a nice buzz.

Now if you want to get all sweaty and completely ruin your chance with every other woman in the club then there are a couple of rules to follow:

Rule #1-Don’t get sweaty before midnight! The real honey’s don’t get there till midnight and you want to leave yourself some options.

Rule #2-Be at least buzzed when you get on the dance floor. Because you are buzzed you actually “try” to do some of the more modern dances. While you probably can’t dance, women will think you’re just having fun and they like that. If you’re slick enough, you can parlay the “just having fun” personality into an after-party at your house.

Rule #3- Do not take a drink with you. Always keep both hands free. Remember it is better to have two hands around her waist than one or at least one to do that nice, soft, slap on the right or left cheek…….depends on what hand you are I suppose!

Rule # 4-When you go to the dance floor with her, always take her hand. This gives the impression to all of the playa haters that she is your girl. She also might think its cute.

Rule #5-Unless you just like to dance, limit yourself to two to three songs. Remember your goal is not to dance, but to take home, get the number, etc. If you only want to dance to music, then go and join an aerobics class.

Given that this is still March Madness, look for the TDRS-Team Bracket Edition next week.

Holla at ya Boy!