TDRS-THE SHE GOT A MEAN WALK EDITION

What up FAM? As always, thanks for the many replies I received last week for the TDRS Ratings Scale Edition. You are all awesome. Thanks for the replies from people who want to be added to the list….Yasmin and also to people who forwarded the forward and those who received the forwarded forward (Knatasha, Julie). Don’t you hate seeing FW: FW in the email subject line? Anyway, as I’ve said in previous editions, I will take the time and reply to any and all questions. Accordingly, this TDRS will be the first all out “reply to all” answer to a reader’s questions ever and owe my dog Mr. Mitchell Hopson for it. I actually got replies from people saying that Mitchell’s questions were hilarious, so to keep this train going I decided to try to answer all of them in true TDRS fashion. So like Tribe Called Quest, “here we go yo”:

1. What if she is a 7 or an 8 but has a mean walk or an accent. I have to hand it to Mitchell in educating me on the “sexy walk” thing. As a little background, Mitchell and I spent the better part of 9 months in the red country (China) on internship. There were no sistas (maybe an Ethiopian or two), very few Anglo Saxon women (the Australians were extremely bad looking) and a whole bunch of Asian girls. Let me just say that when you go a substantial amount of time without seeing a beautiful black woman, brothas start to look at things that would otherwise go unnoticed in the U.S. on a whole different level. Hence, Mitchell’s fascination with the “mean walk”. I’m sorry but I got to lump Mitchell into that group of brothas who still think bowlegged women are really sexy. Mitchell, let it go.

Now I got to say the accent thing is nice, but it’s still about whether she is a 7 or above before she even opens her mouth (assuming she still has most of her teeth). I mean which would you rather have, a girl that’s got a French accent (which quietly….you know you and I have….. I’m going to keep that on the low) or a chic with a British accent? Both accents are unique and nice, but at the end of the day if both are 6’s, then their accents are only as good as those late night DJ’s who make women/men melt with their voice but are the most horrid things to look at person.

2. What if she is a 9 or 10 but really dumb? 9’s and 10’s are only dumb if they don’t use their looks for financial gain. I’m sorry but if she is a 9 or 10 and is

a. Not dating a brotha whose pay-check has either the word “league” or “association” on it, then she’s dumb. Now if you’re dating Randy Moss then I understand because only deals with “straight cash homey”!
b. Not at least starring in “rainforest production” movies like Tua or “Pandora’s Box”, then she’s dumb. Or
c. Not at least sliding down a silver pole onto scattered dollar bills, then yes, she is DUMB!

Mitch its all about what you want. If you want a doctor who is a 9, then I hope you tivoed’ every episode of ER when Michael Michelle was on there. Better yet, she (Michael Michelle) is now a lawyer on the Kevin Hill show, which is televised on the “U Pick a Negro” (UPN) channel. A doctor and a lawyer, now that is a 10 if I’ve ever heard of one.

3. What do you do if you have a choice between a white 10, Latin 9, or black 7? Well sir, first off I think you are trying to say that a black 7 equals a white 10 or a Latin 9. Now if you do not find white or Latin women attractive, then you should definitely go for the Black 7. If your name is Jamal Jackson, then you go for the Latin 9 (sorry I had to put my man on blast, but it’s the truth). If you are an equal opportunity provider, then you have no choice but to go for the white 10. At the end of the day it is all about preferences and that is it. TDRS will take a 10 any day over an 8, so if she is White, Black, Indian-“Casino Variety a.k.a. Native American”, Indian “7-11 variety”, Hispanic, Asian, Aborigine, it’s just gravy. A 10 is a 10 my man.

Sorry about this guys, but TDRS has to go off and it’s about this whole “color complex” thing. TDRS received some verbal questions as to whether he had some color complex b/c he didn’t mention ”dark” skin girls in his descriptions of 9’s and 10’s. Now my first question is should I have mentioned “dark” or darker skin girls because to me there is a difference between the two. Yes, Gabriel Union (a clear 10) wasn’t mentioned, but it had absolutely nothing to do with her skin complexion. I’m sure if I ‘d said Gabriel Union instead of Vanessa Williams, then I would have gotten the same “you just like light-skinned girls” feedback. I mean what is Gabriel Union? Light skin? Red-bone? Brown? No one knows, so if you think like this, then just stop the madness. What’s the difference between me saying I really like redbones (I just like pretty girls btw) and someone going I love Chocolate Men. The difference is that all hell breaks lose when a brotha says something like that. Why? What, do women want me (btw#2- I am a chocolate brotha) b/c they feel I got a purer African bloodline. Puhlease! I can barely tell you where the SWATS are in Atlanta, yet alone some country in South West Africa. Light skin brothas are just not fashionable right now (sorry Jamal and Paul), but just like bellbottoms, they will be back. As my man the blakgeek stated at the Compound this past weekend, “I guess I’m sexy now”.

Oh yeah, for the hell of it I thought I would put together a list of darker skin ladies who would “get it” in a heartbeat.

1. Girl from the Pharell frontin video and model for the Price Is Right Gameshow.
2. The two “darker skin” chics from “Girlfriends.”
3. Two girls that were in SBI that had the same first name. I ain’t going to say any names but many of you know who they are (One entered FAM/SBI in 94 and the other in 95). Can’t wait for the emails on this one!
4. Rudi Huxtable- (Keisha if you somehow get forwarded this email, let’s do lunch at Intermezzo one day)
5. Kelly from Destiny’s Child
6. Ki-Toy-ole girl from the Outkast “I like the way you move” video.
7. Angela Basset- Any time, Anywhere, Stella! And she’s Harvard educated.

4. What to do if you can have a one night stand with two 7’s or one 10? This is a tough one, but I have to go with what I believe to be popular opinion and that is to take the two 7’s. I mean, having a one-night stand with two women period (w/o paying for it), yet alone two 7’s is a much harder feat than having a one-night stand with a 10. Just between you and me Mitch and you can tell me offline, do I need to put you on the 1st Ballot for the Hall of Legends?

5. Can education or wealth increase a woman’s rating? Sure it can. I mean:
(i) Oprah “the original rich bitch” was probably a 6 before Dr. Phil and the billion dollars she amassed. Oprah is definitely a “lights off” type of woman, btw.
(ii) Secretary of State Condi Rice is a solid 7, but when she has her hair done, she’s a solid 8 in my book. Oh yeah before anyone says anything, I think the gap is sort of sexy! Condi is definitely the second click on that three level lamp. You know 1-bright, 2-dim, and 3-off.
(iii) “Cookie” Johnson’s (Magic Johnson’s wife) rating took a big hit after Magic’s dreadful announcement years ago. Quietly, she is another rich bitch and definite 9 in waiting (assuming all blood tests are negative). I know I’m going to hell for that one and we all know what my hell is….”moving boxes”. This one is for that fellow rattler who I helped move this past weekend!

6. Is it better to marry high (9-10) with the expectation that she will drop over time or marry a lower rank (7-8) that is really cool/fun? Mitch you and all of this marriage talk really has got to stop. This column is meant for the club/dating scene not the chain and ball scene. Fellas, I think Mitchell is in the running for the year-end Doug Christie award (to be discussed in future TDRS for those that don’t know anything about Doug Christie). B/4 anyone says anything I ain’t got nothing against marriage Yeah I know it’s a double negative, so, yes I am all for the institution of marriage. (Btw #5-If you are a 9, smart, and can tolerate two sportcenters a day then I got a 2.3 carat, princess cut, platinum setting ring in mind to put on your finger). Anyway, I sense a bias against 9 and 10’s from you. Mitch, don’t hate the player, hate the game, dog! What, do you not think a 7-8 can drop over time too? You know I thought about this same thing when I bought my first car (a 325i convertible). I was actually thinking about buying a new Honda Accord instead, which is what I drove in college. I mean a Honda is a good, cool, and reliable car that holds its value fairly well. But you know what, a BMW 325 convertible holds its value pretty well to and when the top is down the ladies really pay attention. So again, it’s all about what you want. Yeah, the BMW requires a few more dollars and the maintenance “can” be expensive if something goes wrong, but it’s still the ultimate driving machine.
7. Is your ranking system universal or is it ethnic based? Are all 10’s equal? Please see question 3 for my answer to this one. Moreover, I think the title in the last edition read the “UNIVERSAL” ratings scale. All 10’s are equal my man.
8. Is it better to have a 10 as a friend or girlfriend? Long-term impact? I have to believe it is better to have a 10 as a girlfriend. We guys all know that we’re most wanted when we’re with someone else. I know Tate, Jackson, and even you Mitch can testify to the fact that I went through this very thing back in the day. So why not have a 10 as that someone else, especially if you are a solid 7 or 8. I say this b/c if a woman sees a solid 7 with a 10 the following questions/thoughts usually go through their heads:
(i) Damn he’s fine
(ii) Damn he must be good in bed
(iii) Damn he must be paid
(iv) She ain’t all that anyway
I think the above thoughts guarantees you a solid 7-8 in the long run when and if you break up with the 10 or she breaks up with you. Create a buzz and then reap the benefits my man!
8. Are other women attracted to or intimidated by men who only date 9s and 10s? I am going to say women who are 7’s and above are not intimated by men who only date 9’s and 10’s. If anything the 9’s and 10s these men are dating are the ones who intimidate other women. At the end of the day, all women think men are inferior to them, so there really is no such thing as male intimidation. I mean think about it for a second: They have something that all men want. You tell me who has the power? She is only worried about the next girl who can offer the same “goody”! Tell me I’m wrong! Mitch, if any of the following applies to your relationship, then trust me your girlfriend is not worried about you:

a. You have never been alone in a room, place, car, or anywhere for that matter with her best girlfriend.
b. Those pics you took of her girlfriend(s) that don’t have her in them miraculously disappear from your photo album.
c. When you meet her best girlfriend(s), the barely know anything about you other than your name.
d. She can tell you at the drop of hat the last time you either mentioned or heard from your last girlfriend. Or
e. She jumps at the chance to attend an ex-girlfriend or anyone of your female friends’ wedding.
10. If you are at the club and only have $10 dollars, what number/rating should you invest in to maximize your return? Great question, Mitch! First of all, if you only have $10 and you are at the club, then you should go home! As discussed in a 2002 TDRS (“Bar Etiquette”), you are just wasting space at the bar for the true alcoholics! Now if you insist on going to the club with only 10 bucks and this assumes you’ve printed off the “get in free before 10:30pm” flyer, there are a couple of things to do to maximize your return. Let me preface this by saying that a true playa doesn’t buy women (this excludes women friends) drinks at the bar. Therefore, the less you invest in that chic, the higher your return could be. It’s all about leverage my man and this is a perfect forum to discuss the power of it. Message for the day: Let your words be her buzz! Anyway, before discussing investing 101, lets talk about how to effectively use that $10 on getting your buzz on. Here are a few suggestions:
a. Make sure you drink b/4 getting to the club, b/c you need the buzz to last as long as possible.
b. If you don’t have liquor at the house, (which all men should have at least 4-5 bottles of something. Jamal!), then go to the liquor store and buy some of those mini liquors. Buy two, which should cost you no more than $5-6 bucks, leaving you with $4. This is just enough to order two rounds of coke on the rocks to mix with your mini liquors.
c. If you are not a liquor drinker (which means you clearly didn’t go to FAM), then make sure to order a Heineken b/c (i) you can still get somewhat of a buzz and (ii) you look a little bit more distinguished than that dude who’s holding that bottle of Budweiser. I mean ladies all else being equal, which guy would you holler at?
Okay, after adhering to my suggestions listed above, you have now invested wisely, in yourself that is. Let’s now discuss the power of leverage. All smart finance people know that the more leverage or less equity you use, the higher your “expected” returns (yeah I know, the higher the risk, the higher the expected return, you smart asses). The key thing in the last statement is “expected”, which is discussed later. Clearly Mitch, you should say to yourself “Hey all I got is $10, I can’t expect to get too much!” That said, if you don’t expect to get too much, I say invest in a 9 or 10. I know it sounds strange, but just think about it before tuning me out. Investing in a 9 or 10 is smart b/c:
(i) You can wait for some other dude to buy her a drink and then move in for the kill. This is equivalent to borrowing money from someone and never having to pay it back. This is leverage at its best. Remember the less you put in, the more you should expect to get back. If I spend $2 on my coke and you spend $7 (for her lemon drop or Cosmo) and let’s say we both get her number which is worth $4, then guess what? My return is 100% and you my man are underwater! I say the number is worth $4 bucks b/c when you call her the next day the conversation would likely be a worthless 2 minutes (the classic “let me call you back later”), which means you could have gotten more “bang” for your buck by calling one of those $1.99/minute 1-800 singles lines and gotten a much better 2-min conversation. (BTW #6—Fellas if you want to borrow money, i.e. find the dudes buying drinks, all you have to do is look for the African brothas. These dudes love buying drinks for the ladies b/c they actually think the ladies “love” them. BTW #7)----If you can’t find the African brothas then look for and they are always there, the “kids” walking around with the champagne bottles. These cats are what I call “sub” prime lenders. A guy with a 5 rating (high risk for the ladies) can take girls/borrow money from these guys.
(ii) She just might be dumb enough or drunk enough to talk to you even though you only have $10 bucks, which also maybe a sign that your checking account isn’t much better.
(iii) A 7-8 is too smart to fall for the “frugal guys”. A 7-8 can look at you and tell if you’re maxing out on your 401K before you say hello. They ask a lot of questions. You usually have to invest some serious talk time with them to get any sort of return. This is another finance concept that should be quickly mentioned, the IRR a.k.a. the Internal Rate of Return, which factors in time. Don’t worry guys I’m not going to bog you down with finance concepts but this is important. If two guys go to the club and both guys end up with something, but one does it faster than the other, then that guy’s return is better. Why, because he has more time to go out and get more.
(iv) The “Ya never know theory”. We’ve all been there fellas/ladies. We sit and say to ourselves, there is no way he/she is going to talk to me, but you know what “Ya never know”. With a 7-8, you usually know what you’re going to get…. A fake number at best or the classic “give me your email address and I’ll contact you” line. 7-8’s are too nice, they let guys down too easy. With a 10 or 9, there is no in between. You either get the number or the “diss” that will never be forgotten by your boys. Hmmm, I smell a future TDRS on this whole “diss” topic!
Mitch, even before going to the club, you must have your “expectations” in check first. To do this and this is basically straight out of Miller and Modigliani (the finance bible for those not in the know), you must assess your tolerance for risk. If you are not a risk taker i.e. you just can’t holler at 9’s and 10’s, then you should invest in those 7’s and below b/c they are less risky investments. The offset is that you should “expect” your returns to be lower.
Well Mitch, I hope this answers your and anyone else’s questions regarding the UNIVERSAL ratings scale. Look out for the next TDRS-entiteled “March Madness” coming really soon!
Holla at yo country boy!