TDRS-THE HOW TO CATCH A GOOD BLACK MAN EDITION

Oh and once again it’s on and you thought I wasn’t going to bring it to you this week! What’s up FAM? What’s up Folk “on the east, take to the west, everybody know the SOUTHSIDE gon handle the rest”. That’s some of that classic Master P and Mia X. Like Mystical, said back in 1996 Ya’ll Aint ready. As always, I’d like to thank the ever growing crew (Dez, Frank, Rachael, and Bonnie) and all my folks who keep reading these rants about NOTHING but full of SOMETHING.

So yet again I was sitting here (today’s Wednesday the 4th btw) wondering how I could keep this train going week after week and BOOM I get an email from my girl T Mayo (Playa #1) with a picture of her and her girls and a request by a new reader (Faith) to discuss how to catch a good black man. So I know you’re wondering how I am going to tie a picture and catching a good black man to some long 3000+ word rant, but never fear, where there’s a will there’s a way. Before we hit the comedy, let’s dive into the mailbag, which is just pure comedy in itself. Many thanks to those who respond, because they really make my day!

Mailbag
-Remember when you used to drive the Old Skool Honda Accord and we had the conversation about how brothas were becoming too happy being the catcher and not the pitcher. Vision son vision! We were hot even back then! Sh!t is incredible. And what is the deal with all the talk about "coming out" and "dl" brothas just when I got my " facial cleansing system" together! Dammit man! The ABCs are genius my brother genius. In the words of the beautiful Jada Pinkett "don't no woman want a man that another woman don't want". Superficiality, you gotta learn to love it! So cut her girl, rock her world and you will get a referral. perry pimpin worldwide. Keep it comin!…….K.Banister

-You gotta put me on the distro list for your stuff..... It's actuallypretty funny... I feel you I do the same stuff too...Des -

-So how did I miss the Rico that bought Kate Spade purses? :)…S.Thomas

-As far as the whole holding out or rationing thing goes me and Tesa were having this discussion earlier today and we've decided that men here are under the false misconception that everything or anything that they do warrants getting some Ass!!! Sadly, they are mistaken! Cooking dinner or buying dinner doesn't translate into Booty!!! …..Yas. Yas you are not ready for the TDRS “Owe Me Some Ass” edition coming real soon. See G-Tate’s comments below……it’s funny how these things work out.-“If she’s a friend, always let it be known that you would cut her at a drop of dime. For all of my female friends out there, I shouldn’t have to say this, but you would ALL get it and twice on Sunday, once after the morning service and again right after or before the 11 o’clock service. Btw, I’ve got to say that I have some pretty nice looking female friends. Is it luck or is it strategy? I’ll let ya’ll marinate on that one.” Ok, you are OFFICIALLY a wild boy! …Moham

-Yo, this one was off the hook! I feel you on the "being greedy thing". My philosophy on dimes is "if you don't go for yours, someone else will" so I keeps a few for myself before sharing the wealth…….J Reid

-This week's TDRS was straight fire. Please continue to school these youngsters in these streets. I must give special love to the "sleepin' in my bed vs. on the couch" segment, and informing the brothers about stepping their game up. And thank you for letting everyone know that it's o-kkkay for brothers to drink wine, have a clean crib, use shampoo and something other than dial anti-bacterial on his face. However what you failed to mention about metro-sexuals who are straight up brothers, is that in addition to the nice soft skills in the previous sentence, these gentlemen can get crunk in the club, drink yak till they throw-up, and take it to the streets if necessary, especially when off on that gin. But most importantly, when stepping up to bat they come out like Barry Bonds on that Balco in Coors Field. "You can't keep an old lady cause you keep f#$%ing her friends, ha." For women, it's really simple to know if you have man on the DL. First question, do you think your man's cheating? If not, why not? If he's not at work, not at home, not at the gym, not with you, and not with his boys, but he's in town and you don't know where he is, then he's either cheating on you or he's on the DL. You already know if he's suspect. If he's not suspect, then yes, he's cheating with that girl that you don't like that he claims is his friend. If he's suspect, then why are you with him in the first place? Did Oprah really need an hour for what I put into five sentences? Final thought: haven't you been trying to get that Carolina sweatshirt since 1995-96 when you were living in Las Palmas? And isn't the owner, since possession is 9/10ths of the law, still on the OMSA list? ---g.tate For those wondering OMSA stands for Owes Me Some A$$. And to the owner, thanks for sending me a smiley face acknowledging that you were still in possession of my sweater. ;=) Comments from The Monday Night Video Rant-Instead of hanging with Nivea, Lil' Wayne should think about buying some Nivea products. Ashy bastard. He shitty…..E Fountain

-you need to get laid :) Step T……..Who want’s to sleep with Mutomobo?

-That was classic!! Yes, Bobby is the dude from Mista (Blackberry Molasses). How Spice don't know about the CityBoi...she ain't really from Duval. And you are going straight to hell, but you will have friends and liquor there to keep ya company!! ……Ava D

How to catch a “good black man”
Very interesting topic these days since brothas are (i) busy asking, “where’s my lawyer” b/c they are locked up (they won’t let me out), (ii) straight up gay or straight up bias (see last edition), or (iii) already taken. BTW this seems like a better topic for my other brother from another mother (Mrs. Jean right Haas) LGT of the “Air Up There” column. Shameless plug, I know.

Now I know the ladies want to REALLY know “how” to catch a “good” black man. I’m sorry, I don’t know what a “good” black man is. If you can tell me what a good “black” man is, then I could really help you out. For now, I’ll try my best to help you all find brothas, since we’re in such scarce supply. Just to get warmed up, I’ve listed three surefire ways below:

(i) Be a white woman. Ha! Discussed in more detail later.
(ii) Be a Universal Rating Scale 8 or above or
(iii) Be at least a 7 and always bring you’re “A-Game”

While the above are just jokes and more shameless plug for past editions of TDRS and the holleratyaboys blog site, they are quietly working out there on them streets. Seriously though, the key to getting a black man is getting help. It’s very difficult to do things solo, unless of course you are a dime. Remember this column is really about life on them streets, so I’ll be giving you advice on finding a brother in them streets. Seeing as if a few of my closest friends and me already got our Delta buddy pass tickets to hell, I can’t give advice on finding brothers at church.

Anyway, the first thing you need to do when you go out is to TAKE someone or a group of people with you, at least until you’ve mastered the game out there. FYI, I never go out on them streets alone! Anyway, the biggest mistakes women make are the ladies they choose to roll with. One bad apple can destroy the whole bunch, so BE CAREFUL. The fellas are watching. Just in case you are little confused keep reading. ……..

There is no “I” in Team
…….So my boy T Dog and I were at Shout (the cool “Anglo People’s” spot that was taken over by the Atlanta Africans). For those who have been to ATL, “Shout” is a hot spot in midtown and is the sister restaurant of “Twist” which is located at Phipps Plaza in Buckhead. Anyway, T and I were sipping on some syzurp when a group of ladies walked past us. The first thing out of T’s mouth was wow, now that was a Crew. I disagreed and said it was a Squad. At the end of the day it really didn’t matter because it was a pretty good collection of ladies.

The Team
Growing up, we’ve always heard that there was no “I” in team. I mean were the Chicago Bulls REALLY a good team or was Michael Jordan just the man? Common, could they really win without him? I guess the best examples of teams are the Detroit Pistons, the New England Patriots, or even New Edition. I mean Bobby left, they replaced him with Johnny and the group still went platinum and made more than $1.87. (If you guys didn’t watch the New Edition behind the music last week, you really missed out on some comedy). Anyway, I say all of this because “Teams” are great! They win championships because they are unselfish and the individuals on the team are interchangeable. Ladies, if you are a borderline 7 or even a 6, then your best bet at catching a black man is to get a TEAM.

Ladies since I know you’re wondering, your group of girlfriends would be considered a team if:

You all go out to a bar and NEVER break-up. This basically means no one in the group can rack up more men on stand-alone basis than the group itself.
1.When someone goes to the bathroom you all go.
2.When someone wants to dance, you all go dance, together if you have to.
3.When just one person is ready to leave EVERYONE leaves.
4.When a guy approaches he always comes with at least another friend or two for backup.
5.You all have set plays or signals of when to look at or approach a guy.
6. You all take tequila shots and multiple ones at that.
7.A guy calls a lady on the team to see what “they” and not what “she” is doing. Ladies, if a brotha calls and he says something to the effect like “what are “ya’ll” getting into tonight?” he doesn’t want to just kick it with you.

The Squad
When the fellas talk about this collection of females, it’s basically in reference to something pretty awesome. I mean the UNLV Running Rebels, The Fab Five (Michigan Wolverines w/Chris Webber) and LA Lakers (the Pat Riley Era) were squads. Ladies you know you got a squad when:

1.It’s rare that you all are out together. This is so true b/c it’s really hard to replicate a squad, night in and night out. The 2005 NCAA champion UNC Tarheels basketball team were the closest thing to a squad in years and guess what, they are no more. They are all going to get drafted in the first round though.
2.When the squad is together it’s for some really big event like NBA All-Star Weekend, the Essence Fest, Soror # 47, #50, or whatever line sister’s wedding. Ladies if your girl (whose probably an 8 or above) goes to some big event w/o even asking you, then it’s highly likely she called up the other girls (who are 8’s) and created a squad.
3.Each squad member goes her separate way upon entering the club/bar. Sometimes this isn’t intentional, it’s just a natural occurrence. Usually when a squad gets to a club, they are immediately picked off “one by one” buy that guy who they used to or want to date. I think squad members do this just so they don’t get constantly hit on by brothas.
4. Everyone in the squad is pretty bourgeois. When squads walk through the club it’s like a red carpet was rolled out for them. Have you noticed how every member in the squad is always looking straight ahead? They never look from side to side or directly at you, yet they KNOW you are looking at them. Squads are definitely nice to look at but not really FUN! I aint gonna lie though, I’ll take a 1st rounder any day. More shameless pub for the NFL Draft Edition coming soon.
5. Everyone in the group brings their A-Game. Duh! This sort of goes without saying right?
6.You all go to multiple clubs during a given night. Some of you may ask how, given the cost and the long lines. Well it’s easy, a squad is a collection of talent and talent gets in for free everywhere! Squads are like celebrities they don’t go out, the make appearances.

The Crew
I’ve got to give my ace J Jackson credit for putting the word crew into my everyday vernacular. Over the years, we have seen our share of teams and squads, but let me tell you there is nothing like a Crew.

1.A crew is a collection of solid 7s and 8s who are just super cool and always having fun. Quietly some crews have a couple of 9s and maybe even a dime too.
2.They come and play DJ at your house warming party and just rip it up (shout out to Ms Maples and A. Johnson of “Legends of the Fall” fame).
3.Crews are so famous that brothas around the country go “yeah I heard about the Texas Pimps”.
4.Brothas talk about individuals in the Crew like they were legends. Brothas say things like “she used to wear these nice black pants and she was smart as hell” Sorry, but the true rattler brothas reading this edition know exactly whom I am talking about. And yes Eb she is in Atlanta and she goes to your hair salon. Holla at me.
5Everyone in a crew is like your sister, but would easily GET IT at the same time.
Members of the crew have just as many “girlfriends” as they do “guy-friends”. There are no real “cat fights” in crews. Everyone is just way too cool to let that happen.
6.Unlike squads, when the crew walks into the club they are sending shouts out and giving hugs to everyone.
7.The crew can go out at the drop of a dime. Basically it doesn’t take a tremendous effort to round up the crew. Crews don’t sit there and beg their members to go out, the members are sitting there ready for the “when and where” are we going call.
8.A crew always has a stable of men they can call up at any time. Some crews have things like “dinner” parties and Soul-food Sunday’s where they know brothas are going to show up. Hey T-Dog, I guess you, Carlos, and me would be considered a stable huh?

We Play to Win The Game
Herm Edwards, head coach of the NY Football Jets, will go down in history for telling reporters after a loss that his team “played to win the game”. He got some flak about it from the media, but I don’t understand why. I mean the man was spitting straight up game. Herm is a legend and I say to Herm, “game recognize game” brotha!

To the ladies trying to catch a “good” black man, I say you have to go out there on them streets to WIN and not just to play. There is a DIFFERENCE. You see, most of the time brothas enjoy playing the GAME. Hence the popular quote “don’t hate the player, hate the game”. Brothas like to (i) drink, (ii) get our dance and grind on (iii) tell a few lies just too see what could happen, and (iv) get the occasional win (the digits or sending some lucky lady to the chiropractor—i.e. knocking her back out). I mean brothers can go 1 for 10 and still walk away feeling like a winner. Ladies if this is what you like then “enjoy yourself”, because it is truly a “celebration”. However, if you want that trophy, a man, then I suggest you stop playing the game and focus on WINNING THE GAME!

Playing versus Winning
Just so you don’t make mistakes, here is a list of scenarios that are just too playful followed by some advice on how to turn it into winning.

1. Working Out “All the mocha latees u got to do palatees after the party meet me in the lobby now and maybe, we can work it out……..kanye west

Ladies I applaud your efforts for getting in the gym and toning up the body, I really do. However, I cannot applaud the disturbing trend of the “bootie sweater”. White women are the biggest culprits of this but I’ve seen a number of sisters follow in their footsteps. The bootie sweater is any article of clothing that females use to wrap around their waste in an effort to hide the bootie. Why? Arghhhhh, how I hate that! Stop playing with brothas and do like them boys from UGK would say, “Let me see it”.

2. That Thong, That Thong The, Thong Thong, Thong
We love the tooth-floss bikinis and g-strings. We really, really do. But Ladies, don’t be playing with brothas by only having one pair. I mean my favorite color is butt-naked, but I’m okay with a little variety.

3. The Miscellaneous Signals
In today’s world women and men are equal or at least we’re trying to get there. Gone are the days of expecting a man to pick up on some bull$hit eye signals. Basically, if you see something you want, then step up and go and holler at a brotha. I mean, what, are ya’ll too good to holler at a brotha. “Good” Brothas have been the subject of too many:

a. Disses and every brotha in this distribution list has had one that he’ll never forget
b. “Let me call you back b/c my mom’s on the other line” OR
c. “You’re a really nice guy, but” (see the stupid things they say edition)

Just think, if you go and talk to that one brotha you’re interested in, then you won’t have to worry about all the miscellaneous dudes that step to you all night, ruining your club experience. Oh yeah, if you’re saying to yourself that TDRS is weak by expecting women to talk to guys, then I guess I am. Just holla at me when your “strong” man cheats on you or when you find out he’s been cheating on you since he stepped to you that night at the club.

4. Talking $hit
I can’t count how many times I’ve heard stuff like “you can’t handle this” or “my stuff is this and that” or “your stuff is only yea big”. If you are this type of female, please stop the madness. As my boy T-Dog would say “don’t write a check that you know a brotha can’t cash”. Btw, for those ladies who feel the need to tell a brotha, Dr Phil, Oprah or whomever that he wasn’t good in bed, let me just tell you that WE don’t care. We already got the bootie! That’s all that really matters, right? If you wan’t to be effective with your words, just say something like, “I slept with your best friend” or something. FYI, if anyone sleeps with one of my boys, then I thank you for keeping it in the family. Holla at me!

If you can’t beat em, join em!
Brotha’s are somewhat timid these days, so the ball is in yall’s court to draft your 1st pick. Be Aggressive! Learn from your “Anglo” sistas, because they go after what they want with passion! If ya’ll really think the “few” brothas (the one’s that I guess are so damn special) who end up with the Anglos actually chase or mack, then ya’ll are sadly mistaken. I am not saying go out and “put yourself out there”, I’m just saying meet us at least halfway! The list below details just some of the things “they” do to catch brothas or so I’ve heard.

1. They are always at the gym. Now before my sistas send emails about how they can’t go b/c of the hair, let me finish. Brothas always go to the gym. Anglo women ALWAYS go to the GYM, but it doesn’t mean they are actually Working out. Go and see for yourself!
2. They walk up to brothas and say things like “why aren’t you having any fun”? Of course this is not what they are really asking. What they really want to know is “do you want to have fun with them”. They just flip the script and before a brotha knows it, he’s on the dance floor committing the worst sin in history, “dancing with a white chic at a majority black establishment”.
3. “Headsprung” by LL Cool J is their national anthem and I’ll just leave it at that!
4. When the “check” comes, they actually make somewhat of an attempt to reach for it. I mean you don’t have to pay, just give us the impression you were thinking about it by doing the lean like you were about to pick it up.
5. Their roll dog or “team” for that matter is prepared to “SLEEP” with anyone. This is really hard to replicate, I know, but it is pretty darn effective. I mean how can you turn it down when her girl is willing to hook up your wingman.

HollaAtYaBoy!