TDRS-THE CASTING STONES EDITION

I think it was this guy named Jesus who said something to the effect of if “ye have not sinned, then cast the first stone”. I hate to “byte” on the Lord and Savior but this edition of TDRS will tackle this and then some. I’d like to say I am sorry for all of those who were thinking you were somehow left off the list last week. Let’s just say TDRS has been busy trying to become a homeowner and generate revenue for my employer. TDRS does work, for those of you who wonder how he finds the time to write these ridiculous rants. Also, thanks for all of the responses to the Bar Ettiquette Edition. It was a big hit…..My goal of being forwarded a TDRS from someone who doesn’t know I write them is not that far away. My partner in crime Jamal was approached by a brotha at a bar two weeks ago who told him he got this email from someone in L.A. that talked about bar position….I love it!

Anyway, I mentioned the whole Biblical quote b/c I thought it was a perfect segue into me going off on some of the crazy things I hear and see with respect to dating, relationships.

Dating and Relationships: Casting The First Stone
Okay I am sick and tired of being sick and tired with this whole dating and relationship stuff. If I hear one more chic say that there aren’t any black men out there because of the reasons discussed below, then I may just declare war! Btw, does anyone still play that card game?

“They don’t have a job”.
Okay let me differentiate something real quick here. Ladies, why sell yourself short with some dude who just has a job? Guys should not get a cookie for just having a job. Ladies, you need to find men who have Careers. There is a DIFFERENCE! Doctors and Lawyers are easy targets, but there are many other brothas out there who have CAREERS. When you’re out at the CLUB and you don’t want to give out your number, but you are interested in such guy, then ask for his BUSINESS CARD. An entrepreneur or corporate guy with a title will have one on him and if he doesn’t, then he may only have a JOB, which is not a bad thing! I’m just saying if you all are looking for that guy/dude who is going to be your sugardaddy or the purchaser of that 2.3 carat platinum setting princess cut ring, then I recommend the business card crowd or the brothas who deal with “straight cash”………I know I have used this Randy Moss quote to much, but it still cracks me up!

Now ladies, if all you have is a JOB, then don’t go hatin on brothas who don’t have one. People choose to have jobs. It isn’t that hard to find one. It may not pay well, but it is still a job. I mean doing table-tops for a living is a job and ANYBODY can get a job doing that! I may have to think about this one though b/c there are some “ballet dancers” that have skills that you just can’t coach (Next week’s subject line for TDRS btw).

What I am saying is that don’t be casting stones knowing full well that your sh#it is not really tight to begin with! Okay, I am not trying to hate or offend anyone out there but just because you have a job where:

(i) You say the words “welcome to” followed by some rich family’s last name with an apostrophe, or “how many are in your party”, or “thank-you and please come again”, then sweetheart you can’t cast the first stone.
(ii) Someone who graduated from ITT with an Associates degree makes the same thing you do and you have a bachelor or masters from what you think is some prestigious university. Yes you may have a job, but I’d be a little worried about the future, so no casting of stones for you.
(iii) Your employer probably single-handedly caused the country to get caller I.D. and Congress for that matter to introduce the Do Not Call List legislation. “I’d like to throw a stone at these people…If you haven’t figured out this profession, then do like Redman and “laugh now and figure the s#it out when you get home”.
(iv) When you file your taxes with H&R block, your Adjusted Gross Income is approximately equal to the $29.95 it costs H&R block to process your forms. Again if this is you then your shit isn’t that tight!
(v) You still need to sneak on a college campus to use the ATM that allows you to withdraw the $5 or $10 minimum. Those of us who attended FAMU were guilty of this back in the day. Wasn’t Capital City Bank the shiznit?

“He’s too short!”
Now if your name is Lisa Leslie, then I don’t really and truly understand this statement or need by some of you females. Yeah I’ve heard the reasons, but they are all the wrong ones:

(a) “I like to feel like he can pick me up”- Huh? Pick you up and do what? I mean all he needs to be able to do is (i) splak it, (ii) flip it and (iii) rub it down……ohh no! Quietly some of you DONT’t really need to be picked up! I am going to leave that one alone for now.

(b) “I feel safe”- I’m sorry but nine times out of ten, a black woman is not sticking around to see her 6-foot “man” win the battle. If I were you ladies, I’d value speed over height b/c in this day and age one needs to be able to dodge bullets, B Nichols, and OJ.

(c) “The Wedding & High Heels”- So you are going to let one measly ceremony that everyone will forget (and given the odds in this country will be for naught anyway b/c of an inevitable divorce), influence who you date?

(d) He’s probably “packin”- Interesting one here. Who started this? B/c evidently she has been with way to many guys to be able to make such a statistical inference. I mean for all of you studious ones out there who listened in Dr. Nkanzas quant class, did this woman who started this myth take a “sample” mean or a “population” mean. There is a difference ya know. I think you need at least 30 observations to have a true sample.

…yada yada yada. Well again Ladies, don’t be casting stones that you can’t catch when they are thrown back at you. Some females (notice how I said some for all of you sensitive types) get ticked when they hear guys say such things like “I like big breasts”, yet are the first ones to say I want a man that is at least 6’ tall. Watch yourselves ladies! You see, guys like things for what they are and not for what they “could” be. For instance:

(a) We like round (not big) butts b/c padding is so much better than bone. I mean you tell me, would you rather sit on a picnic table or a nice and soft lawn chair.
(b) We like lips because……..hmm should I….maybe not. All I got to say is that I use cable b/c the whole 1-year commitment some ladies look for with their “DSL” service is not market……Again, Laugh now and figure it out when you get home!
(c) We like big breasts b/c they look nice and are multi-functional. We don’t go hey she’s got some serious cans therefore she must be good in bed! This reminds me. All those ladies out there who equate height or anything for that matter that is not directly related to intercourse, to how good a man is in bed, please stop the madness. Guys don’t do such things. We wait until after we get it and then judge the performance. The difference is women EXPECT to be entertained/overwhelmed by the other party. Brothers, we look to entertain ourselves first with the other party, which 9 times out of 10, comes out okay. Ladies say things like “I bet he can make me feel real good”. Brother’s on the other hand feel good just to be playing. The worse sex for a brotha is NO SEX!

Now the only reason you should want a man over 6’ is purely for monetary reasons. I mean a man that can produce you a 7-footer is just as a good, if not better than a 5’-10 guy who is a pretty stable doctor. Now, if you are a female of the caucasion ilk, then producing a 7-footer is really money in the bank b/c every white guy over 7’ is going into the “Association” and for whatever reason never leaves. For all of those Hawks fans, lest not forget John Koncack.

“He’s got Kids”
Yeah this is a problem, but ladies don’t act like this is only affecting you. Remember, for every “baby-daddy”, there is another “baby-momma”. What’s worse is that when I go to the “ballet” in Atlanta all I see are the baby mommas in all of their stretch mark glory. I mean really, the shelf life on a baby momma is pretty short, especially the 2-time or 3-time defending champion b-mommas (can’t wait for the emails on this one). You ladies don’t have to compete against these women, but I have to compete against these men everyday. Y’all love:

Boris (baby daddy),
Usher (confessing that he was almost a baby-daddy),
Lebron (the baby daddy poster boy…..I’d really like to meet the b-momma, b/c she maybe one of the smartest females in the game right now) and
Mike Vick (allegedly passing out STD’s like they were a 5 yard out pattern). I can keep going……

It’s funny but b-daddy’s are hot right now. They get cool points for taking care of their kids and being there for them. B-daddy’s today are like certified pre-owned cars to some women out there. Their value is slightly depreciated by the wear and tear of a baby momma, but is cheaper and actually less risky than a new brotha who is just one super old lifestyle condom away from being the newest baby daddy on the block.

Club Observations/Rants- The Compound
So T-Dog (Terrance Davis) and I made our once/week trek to check out the club scene in Atlanta. Because we are cheap, we decided to go to the Compound b/c you get in free with a flyer before midnight. It’s amazing how much money you save by not paying a cover. Here are some things that I just had to comment on from my Friday night experience. I have decided that:

(i) DJ’s are grossly overrated. As I’ve said in a previous TDRS, “Why should I pay a cover, when there is no cover band!” Unless the DJ is Quest Love (of The Roots fame) or DJ Kiiiiiiiid Capri, then don’t waste time putting someone else’s name on the flyer or even trying to charge me for it. I actually caught myself humming the song that the DJ was queing up to play next. I shouldn’t be doing that. There should be some element of surprise when you are at the club. Where is the creativity? I knew that dude Quest Love was creative when he spun Nirvanna- “Smells Like Teen Spirit” right after Frankie Beverly! The crowd went nuts!
(ii) People who walk around the club with corona beer bottles, yet the substance inside looks like “Red” flavored Kool-laid, should be added to the “You know your ghetto when” list.
(iii) If you were a hit in the 80’s and you were only a hit because you only had one hit, then you shouldn’t try to make a comeback. All I got to say is that Jody Whately performed at the Compound last week and I was a bit scared………the sound system screwed up, so she decided to sing accapella.
(iv) Clubs/promoters who put orange cones on public streets (and not just the streets closest to the club but a ¼ mile down the road) on Friday/Saturday nights with the intention of trying to charge me to park there should be closed or burned down!
(v) Multiple bathrooms are appreciated more in a club than 27 inch plasma tv’s everywhere.
(vi) Women everywhere truly go to the club to dance and go home.
(vii) Guys in Atlanta truly go to the club to dance and go home.
(viii) Buying a drink at last call is really a waste of money.
(ix) The women at the club don’t even come close to looking as good as the women featured on the flyers for the parties.
(x) Being padded down and walking through a metal detection system as if I am (i) boarding Delta, (ii) visiting the White House, or (ii) walking into Atlanta City hall with a Brian Nichols for Sheriff T-Shirt, before I get in a club should be somewhat disturbing.

Well Kid’s that’s about 2000 words and I really got to go and put an offer down for a new crib. Let me just go ahead and pump the hollatyaboys.com/TDRS Housewarming party, which will likely take place in Spring 2006 (This will be the 10 year anniversary of one of the best titled Kappa Luaus (and no I am not a greek)….”The Big Lic For 96”. I think Big Boi from Outkast should get the credit for the saying since he was referring to the 96 Olympics in ATL on the Southernplayalistic album.

Many of you have suggested that these rants and raves be posted on a blog and we have been working on it. In fact, you will be able to read some old school classics by none other than Mr Jackson, E Fountain, L.G. Tate and of course, yours truly. Jamiz Jackson is the architect for holleratyaboys.com, so look out for the link coming soon!

Holla At YA Boy!