The Air Up Here, Vol. V - What You Won't Do for . . . Edition

Before I start, I want to shout out my man Ric Simon who has been putting it down EVERY WEEK with that “TDRS.” He may be the hardest working man in the commentary game right now, but you all know I’m still the King of Consonance, the Vizier of the Verb, and the Prince of Prose. Stay tuned for our Blog that will be launching soon, we might just have something special planned for you.

For those of you wondering how I cannot talk about the political landscape after the election, I have another 4 years to talk about what I’m sure will be as equally a display of incompetence and ineptitude as the first term. I haven’t lost the zeal to write about that or make predictions. For those who were eating with me at Amy Ruth’s on 116th back in 2000, you heard me predict that there would probably be a war in Iraq in the 3rd year of your boy’s term. I said it sincerely hoping that it wouldn’t come true; however, I watched in horror as my worst fears were confirmed. Although I don’t attend church as regularly as I used to, I am still reminded of that passage “Your young men will see visions, your old men will dream dreams.” Maybe that was mine. I will, however, put off talk about the political landscape because these other issues are paramount to what is happening in my life right now. I look toward the future with grave concern. Lately, I find myself wondering more and more just what type of world will my children grow up in? (Yes, Mama, I do want some. No, I haven’t done anything that should raise your concerns about being a grandmother yet.) With that said, here is the 2005 Love Edition, Part 2. By the way, this one of those print out and take with you editions.

1. THE LINE. “I’ve got my finger / On the trigger / I’m gonna pull it / Then we gon’ see / What’s the deal . . .” What if you were on the verge of having everything that you ever wanted in life? It is so close to you that you can almost touch it, almost taste it. There is only one catch. To possess it you must do something that you said you never would do. If it were that close to finally being yours, would you step over the line and claim or let it drift off into the ether?

For those of you that have seen Bedazzled (not a movie that I am recommending) it is analogous to making a deal with the devil. You ask him to make you irresistible to women, and he does, but he also makes you gay. You ask him to make you rich and he does, except that he turns you into a drug lord and the Feds are closing in on you. Yes, you can have what you want, but there may literally be hell to pay. Once again, what would you do? It’s one of those situations where you have crossed the line and compromised in little ways in the past to obtain what you want. However, if you keep crossing the line and crossing the line, step-by-step you journey so far away from what you once held as your core that you are not the same person. How do you recognize when you have gone beyond compromising in certain circumstances to totally being compromised? Culture Club (pick up that Greatest Hits album, it’s fire) had a song named “Time” that stated “Time won’t give me time / and Time makes lovers feel like they have something real / but you and me you know we have nothing but time / and Time wont give me time." How do you know that what you have purposed in yourself all these years is what you what you really want or need now? Is it really your heart’s desire or has it been what Thoreau would characterize as your “myopic only” for so long that you do not know that something else may be better for you. There comes a point in everyone’s life when they will be standing at the proverbial crossroads wondering what direction to take. Usually there are a few points. Even in my short time here I can look back on 3 or 4 situations that if I had taken a different course of action, said or not said something, my life would be dramatically different from the one I am living now. I am sure that if you take honest inventory of your lives you will see the same.

Right now something that I have wanted, that I have longed for, that I have worked hard to obtain is standing right before me. All I have to do is cross that line one more time. However in the process of getting to this point, I have crossed the line so many times already that I am afraid that if I get what I want that will ultimately be disenchanted with it because of what I have become and what I had to do in the process. Throughout our lives we all make compromises, we all sellout a little bit; whether it be for family, jobs, relationships, or money. Regardless of if you admit it or not, you know it’s true. The question is how much is enough and how far is too far? When does it get to the point that you have lost your principles, lost your values, lost your soul? When does it reach the point where that victory that you think you have gained is in every sense of the word “Pyrrhic?” I would appreciate your comments on this one.

2. WHAT ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS? My favorite quote lately goes, “Just as darkness doesn’t come all at once, neither does oppression. There is always a period of twilight in which we must be most on guard for the winds of change, lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.” Former Chief Justice William O’Douglas was referring to civil liberties when he made those comments, but for me it has taken on a different meaning lately. It perfectly encapsulates the way that I view friendship and it should define the way anyone regards his or her friendship with me. There are times when everyone’s friendships are tested. Will they bend and snapback or will they be irrevocably broken, forever shattered? Most people would agree that I am a pretty nice individual; being a guy, this is possibly the worst character trait to have. In friendships and relationships people have wrong me and depending on the egregiousness of the offense, I would normally just let it slide. However the hurt remained and pain persisted. As the years rolled by and the offenses started to accumulate, I reached the point where I usually ended-up telling the offending party to go “Cheney” themselves and lose my contact information. They were left in a bewildered state wondering, “What happened? He was so nice just yesterday.” What they failed to realize is that what happened at that moment was just the tipping point; the underlying cause of my outburst was the cumulative effect of those incidents over the years. To explain it in parable form, each offense was like a cut. Although the cuts heal, scars still remain. Over time if you keep opening the same wounds they will not heal and that friendship that you once held dear is laying on the ground bleeding to death. (I know the imagery is slightly gruesome, remind me not to write after watching Nip/Tuck).

The salient takeaway from this is not that friends do not make mistakes and shouldn’t be forgiven, because they do and they should. What I am trying to convey is that you should take care of your friends, cherish them, covet them, do not take them for granted. Those seemingly innocuous offenses add up and just because someone forgave you in the past and let it slide does not mean they will do so in perpetuity. Furthermore, I implore you to take better care of yourself. If you are the individual that is usually accommodating to others wrongs, I ask you to purge those individuals from your life. I know that if may be hard especially if it involves a family member, a romantic relationship, or a friendship that has spanned many years. Yet, you must honestly ask yourself what is that friendship doing for me now? If the answer is “nay-thing” then in the words of Teddy Pendergrass, “I think (you) better let it go.” Sometimes you must be “selfish” in the most positive sense of the word. You must look out for what is best for you. If those individuals in your life aren’t helping you to strive for excellence, achieve greatness, or move on up to the Eastside, then you need to keep on moving without them.

3. TALES FROM THE DISTRICT. Since I have moved to the DC area, I have been taking public transportation almost exclusively and traveling quite a bit for my job. These are just a few observations from my journeys.

On the Metro:
a. I’ve noticed a stark difference between the individuals on the Metro that walk up the escalator and those that do not (Picture the difference between Tyson Beckford and Charles Barkley). Those of you that are familiar with the DC Metro know that it is so far underground at some stations that it is like descending into the depths of hell, but the distance makes coming up the steps a pretty challenging workout in the morning. It is one of those small things that you can do to improve your health without trying too hard. With the epidemic rates of obesity in this country, I would advise everyone to get moving.

b. I am more than happy that everyone exercises proper hygiene by taking a shower in morning. However please do not douse yourself in a scented product if you are going to ride the train. When I step on the Metro each morning, I am instantly greeted by an amalgam of fragrances consisting of Old Spice, Hi-Karate, Stetson, hair spray, Vicky Secrets body lotion, and numerous other aromatics. Separately these products may not be that bad, but collectively they represent a veritable Chernobyl on the Yellow Line. I have one word for those that utilize public transportation: UNSCENTED. Learn this word, love this word, and buy products that have it prominently displayed. Trust me, everyone on the train/bus will thank you for it. However if you are determined to break out the Cool Water cologne, please do so after you get to the office.

At the Airport:
a. The low cost of cell phones may be the worst thing that has happened to civilization, as we know it. Now that the airlines let individuals use their cell phones as soon as the plane touches down (and are considering in-flight use, perish the thought) people seem compelled to fire them up to let Pookie know that they will be at baggage claim shortly. Guess what? I don’t care what restaurant you and Pookie will be going to when you leave the airport. I have the same feelings concerning the fact that your Grandma lost her dentures. Could not those conversations have waited until you reached the concourse? This is not 1985, when people were carrying around those big brick cell phones on their hips that rivaled the size of Radio Raheem’s boom box. No one cares that you have a cell phone no matter if it’s diamond crusted, ice-out, and frosty. They are just not status symbols anymore. So please keep the conversations to a minimum and the cell phones in your pockets on vibrate. Thank you.

b. I have figured out why the airline industry is struggling. There is obviously an institutionally inherent lack of competent leadership at the top, which leads to spectacularly horrific service provided to the end customer. First, they herd you onto the plane like a bunch of cattle into a seat that is only comfortable for someone under 5’5” and 140lbs. If you are over 6’ you will have a brand (just like cattle) on your legs at the conclusion of your flight where the seat in front of you has cut into your kneecaps. They then proceed to feed you grains (pretzels and snack mix) for any flight less than 3 hours. They lose your luggage, overbook flights, and make you suffer through numerous other indignities; yet are baffled when the customers have beef with them. There are two airlines that shall remain nameless except to say that one has the Southeast on lock and the other does quite a bit a business in the City of Brotherly Love. For the past two major holidays and my past two business trips these airlines have failed to get me out the day (not the time), the day that I was supposed to travel even though I am one of those people that arrives at the airport three hours early for domestic flights; or they have stranded me a location that was not my final destination. All I can say is that the airlines need to get it together or I see some serious government oversight on their horizons.


4. SOUNDTRACK OF MY LIFE. Once again the songs that in some way shaped this column.

“Lord U Know” by Cam’ron. The fact is that I will never purchase a Cam’ron album. I think it has something to do with his affinity for pink coupled with his wanton use of the phrase “no homo” at the end of every other sentence (if you’ve seen recent interview you know what I mean). However, he is always good for one (and only one) blazing track per album. With an assist from Jaheim he puts it down on this track. I like the line, “It wasn’t 9-1-1 / But it was 9-1-1 / Gave him 9 plus 1 / Dropped the dime dun / Told him get his 9 and run.” You have to admit that it is a nice mix of imagery and a deft use of consonance.

“Someday We’ll All Be Free” by Donny Hathaway. This song done by the Howard alumnus just helps me to keep my sanity. Although the story goes, that he broke down after hearing the mix of the final version.

“She Got Kids” by Lyfe Jennings. Unlike that “Baby Mama” song by Fantasia, which I think is one of the worst things to ever grace the radio period, this song is a refreshing change of pace. It adroitly captures the internal struggle, the range of emotions, and the myriad of decisions that men confront when considering whether or not to date a woman that already has children. I found it to be very poignant and timely (don’t ask). The song is beautifully arranged and the message finds the perfect pitch. If you haven’t heard it, I would definitely recommend that you check it out.

“Kill” by Jimmy Eat World. This has nothing to do with the song above for you Pro-Lifer’s out there. The title is a metaphor for the lengths that we will go to for the individual that we consider “the one.” (Look for a whole column on that soon). The sentiment of the song is perfectly summed-up in the last line, “I know what I should do / But I just can’t turn away.”

“I Still Luv You” by T.I. This is kind of like his version of “My Public Apology” that I dropped two editions ago. I give him credit because it takes courage to put your life on display in that manner. “Three kids in two years / Baby, daddy panicked.” Wow!

“Sideways” by Santana (feat. Citizen Cope). “Cause diamonds they fade / And flowers they bloom / But I’m telling you / That these feelings won’t go away.”

“What You Won’t Do for Love” by Bobby Caldwell. Probably the best from the original King of Blue-eyed Soul. Still a favorite, an all-time favorite.

“Might As Well Be Strangers” by Keane. I was listening to this song when I got some news that changed my life. This song and the whole album also helped to get through it. I highly recommend the album if your musical tastes vary beyond the standards of BET and MTV.

That is all for now. Your feedback and comments are always welcomed. Until next time, be good to yourselves and others.

--AIR © 2005

TDRS-THE D/L COMING OUT EDITION

What up folk! It’s Ya Boy and I’m coming at you like a Roger Clemens fastball, straight to the head. Speaking of baseball, I’d like to send a special thanks to all those who hit me back on the Baseball Edition. It was another smash hit, no pun intended. Anyways, I have to say the pimps, my ladies, had much to say and some of their comments/questions are detailed below along with remarks from TDRS. Oh yeah a big shout out to all the new readers out there (B. Holcomb, M. Thames, J Knox, M. Graves-the one I let get away, J Reid, Altheia, and my new homie craven morebrew). Holla!

Mailbag:

Ric,
I must say that the Pitchers and Catchers edition of TDRS is my favorite to date...mainly b/c it is the one that I can identify with the most. ……….Alright now my question has to do with the "holding the runner" move of "wrapping the hair in a nice silk scarf." I'm always puzzled by this. What is a girl that wants to "come with her A game" -as you put it- to do? I have two choices: (a) I can go to bed with no scarf, look and feel sexy, and then wake up looking a hot damn mess for the next day, or I can (b) wrap my hair, not feel too sexy when (if it is for losers) somebody tries to start something, but still be alright the next day. So you see the dilemma we are facing. I'm interested in hearing your expert opinion……..I. Holmes

My friend there is a very simple solution. Go to bed looking sexy, option A so that you will be guaranteed some action (if not you know where I live). As my boy J Jackson would say, “put it on him” and knock him out, then get up and wrap the hair up. Problem solved. Holla!
These joints is really worldwide now. I forward them out to Shanghai!!! ……J Reid Once again I ask myself, "How does he know that?"….I. Keke
Your "bar etiquette" is so true. I could tell that you had it down to an art whenwe were at Django, and that was shortly after I first met you! When I walked in the packed house and saw you and Terrance propped up at prime location, I thought "How in the hell did they get such a good spot.They are pros." Guess you all brought your A-game……N Kimes

Designated Hitters
Technical Definition: A player designated at the start of a game to bat instead of the pitcher in the lineup.

Street Example: A lot of times, we ladies meet men who have excellent pedigree (and Lord knows I'm a sucker for pedigree), but for whatever reasons, he can't get it. Let's call him the pitcher. Typically, we know that the pitcher will never make it to home plate for a chance to bat within, oh, say 10 minutes of meeting/talking with him. Yet, we know that he is an excellent addition to the team for various intellectual and/or superficial reasons that I won't go into right now. Suffice it to say, we want to keep him on the team.

What to do?
The strategy is to employ a designated hitter, and oddly enough, it falls in line with "Holding The Runner" in this edition. In this way, the Pitcher gets the pleasure and all of the benefits of playing for the Lady's team, while sparing him the awful embarrassment of having to perform as a hitter (since we've already figured out that he can't get it). Occasionally, a pitcher is allowed to step up to the plate and swing. If he knocks the ball out of the park the 1st time, he can be assured that the designated hitter will either (a) be traded to another team or (b) only step up to the plate every once in a while going forward. Of course, option a is preferred. However, if he only garners a base hit, the designated hitter's position is secured and the pitcher will either (a) be returned to the line up or (b) traded to another team. The quality of his pitching determines which is preferable………E Troupe
It warms my heart knowing you're spreading the "Just Be Honest" Gospel to the rest of the world :)……Steph T.

Ah, TDRS all I can say is that thanks to your witty banter I have a new found appreciation for "America's Favorite" Past time! Heck by the time you are done, I may be watching back to back episodes of Sports Center! (da da dum da da dum)

Now on another note, I have a request well not really a request it's more like a PSA for the single women of Atlanta. Check it a bunch of us were having a discission about various things we have seen men in Atlanta either do, have on hand at the crib or places that they go - that sparked the following question....Metrosexual or Bia Tendency? As you very well know being a single black women living in Atlanta aka the San Fran of the South East I think this topic warrants your discussion. I realize that this topic may be a little sensitive but seriously as single females we need to be able to distinguish between when to give a brotha a pass for practicing new age metrosexualism vs giving them points toward DL credit. Believe me Sista's here are definitely looking at every black man in Atlanta and keeping a score card! In case you are a little confused by the types of things we are talking about here are some examples:

-Brothas that use Pantene Pro V shampoo (now at first glance my inclination is to give the brotha DL credit but upon talking to some other sisters and brothas I've found that quite a few brothas use shampoos like Pantene).

-Brothas that keep wine at the crib and drink it to unwind after work (Now I feel bad that I have to use the race card on this one 'cause if this was a white guy I wouldn't have even given this a second thought but when a brotha is unwinding with a bottle of Chardonnay or Merlot instead of Heinie's or Yak the sirens start to sound!!!).

-Brothas who use body washes like Oil of Olay, etc. instead of bar soap (Again, it's sad to say in this day and age that a brothas choice of soap draws speculation about their sexual preference!!!! But having surveyed many brothas and sisters this too seems to be a popular trend!!!) ……..Yasmine


Let’s Kick The Ballistics
So I was banging my head last week again wondering what the heck I was going to hit you with this week and boom, I get that last email from my girl Yas concerning this whole “Down Low” thing. Yas had a few things to say about brothers on the DL and I understand her concerns. HOWEVER, TDRS has a few things to say about the DL and I just got’s to let you know my thoughts………

First of all I have to pull Oprah’s “Harriet Tubman” card for sending brothers back a couple of years as opposed to forward. I guess she thought it was cool to uncover the modern “underground railroad” that a SMALL number of black men are using today. Just when we were getting hot again, (Ricky Martin sent the Latinos back a few years allowing us to make a strong comeback) Oprah comes out with her DL show, which was followed up by an episode on Law & Order SVU on the same topic. And then MTV has the nerve to put an otherwise ordinary looking brother on THE REAL WORLD, who turned out to be a PUNK (I don’t use this word often but if you watched any episode you can clearly see that my characterization of him fits perfectly). Even worse, this cat attended (of course he didn’t graduate) the, as my boy G Tate so eloquently says, “The Florida Normal College for Negroes”, my beloved FAMU. For those rattlers out there, I guess he resided on the sixth floor of Gibbs Hall huh? Compounding all of this was ole boy’s book, something titled “On the Down Low: Straight Men who sleep with other Men”. Absolutely ridiculous! TDRS says:

If you are a man choosing to sleep with another man, then guess what? YOU ARE Straight Up GAY! I am not a Gay basher or homophobe, I am just telling you what you are. You are still a human being and all that, but I have to pull your MAN card!

Oh yeah, I am still pissed that everyone got pissed at the late NFL Great-Reggie White, when he said you can’t compare the gay/lesbian struggle to the black civil rights struggle in the 60s. Last time I checked unless a gay/lesbian opened their mouth and said what their “sexual orientation’ was, NO ONE WOULD KNOW. Everyday that I, or any of the many black and/or female readers of TDRS go to work EVERYONE knows WHAT WE ARE AND THERE IS NO HIDING THAT FACT! We can’t keep it on the Down Low even if we tried.

If you are a Woman sleeping with another Woman (automatic 1.5 point upgrade on the Universal Ratings Scale) then “give me your number, I’ll call and me and the boy’s will follow you and your girl to the mall”….”….To the mall”.

R. Kelly was right when he released his infamous “Keep it on the down low” track a few years ago. I, for one, would rather these bia’s keep their business on the down low. These brothers DO need to let their partners (male or female)“know”, but I frankly don’t care or need to know! Don’t ask, Don’t Tell was absolutely brilliant!

Moreover, I’d like to say that I am “pissed to the highest of pisstivity” at these reports of ladies not knowing that a brotha was on the D/L. How many “bias” can there be out there? I’m sorry, but every time I go out in Atlanta there is enough “meat” in the clubs/bars to take Jimmy Dean, Tyson, and Purdue Chicken out of business. TDRS just doesn’t get it. Ludacris clearly doesn’t get it either as evidenced by his classic words of “Too many niggas, not enough hoes” on the “Game Got Switched” track.

I was going to try to come up with ways that women can spot a “bia” in this TDRS, but you know what I can’t and I’m really happy that I can’t. I lived in the “hottest” city in the country or the world for that matter, San Francisco, and I honestly didn’t learn anything about “bias” out there. Now I’m in what some people call the Black San Fran, Atlanta GA and I still haven’t learned anything here either. I tell you what though. I do know how to be a straight up brotha, no pun intended here and I can talk about this for days.

The past few columns have been totally geared towards the ladies, but it’s time to, as Chris Rock says, “To Keep it Real” in this edition. It’s time for brothas to “Come Out” and show our true colors, “the red, the black and the green, you sissies”. H.G-Tate, they don’t feel me on that X-clan verse do they?

“Go on and Be a Dog, Dog” You wanna be treated right, see father mc Or check ralph tresvant, for sens-a-tiv-i-ty See I am not the one, I got more game than parker brothersPhife dog is on the mic and I’m smooth like butter . . .

Fellas, for whatever reason, we have been too nice and let our guard down with these ladies and the repercussions have been straight up serious. Oprah is “hatin” on us. The Media is “hatin” on us and our black women are just confused by us right now. The following is a multi-step guide to resolve this confusion. Ladies if you read this and say to yourselves, this happens to me all the time, then rest assured you are dealing with some straight up brothas and not a “BIA”.

Remember your ABC’s. “Always Be Closing”
1.If she’s cute (sorry a 7 or above) try to cut it.
2.If she’s got a man, try to cut it anyway. “If she’s married then I wouldn’t go there”. Trying to sleep with a woman who has a boyfriend, however, is not breaking a “Commandment”. And Eb, I don’t have any vendettas against anyone…Ha!
3.If she says she’s not interested try to cut one of her friends.
4.If her friends aren’t interested try to cut one of her friends’ friends.
5.Once you cut one of the friends’ friends, then go back and try to get with her again. Quietly you’ll probably have better luck on the second time around. Remember how Dewayne was all crazy for Denise on the 1st season of A Different World? Instead of continuing to cry over Denise, he went for one her girls and he hit the jackpot with Whitley.
5.If you’re married or in a relationship then every time your girl walks around you please grab her a$$.
6.If she’s a friend, always let it be known that you would cut her at a drop of dime. For all of my female friends out there, I shouldn’t have to say this, but you would ALL get it and twice on Sunday, once after the morning service and again right after or before the 11 o’clock service. Btw, I’ve got to say that I have some pretty nice looking female friends. Is it luck or is it strategy? I’ll let ya’ll marinate on that one.
7.Dance with all of your female friends at least once, especially when they’ve had a couple of “non” fruity drinks. Use this as an opportunity to grab that a$$ and everything else that you can. The best song to do this to is “Scrub da Ground” by them boys from “Palm Beach Co, one stop from the bottom”, Splak Pak! Pronounced “splike pike” for you non-booty listeners out there.
8.Every morning she should wake up to some hard throbbing object strategically placed on her “beautiful brown round”. Sorry I got some “high” yellow and “low” black ladies (see the Monday night video edition) on this list, so” brown” round can be replaced with whatever you are.
9.If she’s not trying to give it up, then leave her. I know this sounds harsh but fellas this doesn’t mean she aint giving it up, it REALLY means she doesn’t want to give it up to you. Take what you can get and worry about the stuff you got to work for later.

Don’t fall for the “what would a good guy do” bull. “She finally played me, but yo, I’d find another Cause I got the crazy game and yo, I’m smooth like butter”…Fife Dog!

I don’t know if it is b/c of Hollywood or what, but as I said in the “Stupid Things Women Say” edition, “Nice guys don’t finish last, THEY DON’T FINISH”! There are so many things men are doing out there that they think is all sweet and nice, and that they (ladies) care. Fellas they don’t care! They care about what that brotha who they decided they would fu$ck in the first five minutes of meeting him is doing. If she ain’t showing no love then move on and don’t be blowin up her phone every day. It’s okay to let her know that you have some crazy feelings but leave it at that. They know what they want. Am I bitter, you DAMN Right! “Bbbbbbbrrrr what happened to that boy” FOCUS ON WHAT YOU WANT AND THAT IS TO CUT! Don’t fall for the following things:

Letting her sleep in YOUR bed with you when you got a perfectly comfortable couch and extra blankets! Fellas, this is the first step in the wrong direction and ladies you should be ashamed of yourselves if you REALLY expect a man to do this. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Ladies, if you aren’t trying to give it up, then park you’re a$$ on the couch. Also, I’d like to go on record and say that “bia bia’s” just want to sit and snuggle!

Giving her back and/or foot massages for free. Been there and got the t-shirt on this one. Fellas, I got a new rule to follow: If she asks for a massage, then say the going rate is for her to get butt, Bunkie a$$ naked and the towel is to be left in the linen closet. You may not cut, but you’ll be able to see the goods and “feel” her up like Ray Charles on the piano. If she refuses this request, then she really didn’t want a massage anyway, she just wanted to “BITCH” you out. BTW, there is a certain reader out there and you know who you are, that has something of mine and I want it back, my North Carolina sweater! E. Fountain please get off the floor and stop laughing right now.

Going shopping with her. Too many ni$$as out here cowards They be saving dem hoes they be paying them hoes But a ni$$a like me can not go I’m be kickin in doos I be fu$kin dese hoes I be slamin em down like dominoes Bi$ch you didn’t know it’s cb bro In and out dese hoes does like pole….Project Pat

Could be just me, but shopping with a female sucks because all they do is SHOP! Fellas, we purchase and we leave the mall with something. Ladies are content just trying on shoes and clothes and leaving empty handed. Don’t think her taking you shopping is not a big deal, b/c it IS. You can really make or break yourself during this outing. After going through this insane experience a number of times, I’ve figured out that it pays to NOT be the nice guy that just sits there in the “man” chair and say things like “yeah that looks good” and “you should try on this and that”. Remember you are a brotha, so act like one and not one of her girlfriends who she could easily go shopping with. She will get mad at you and might even try to withhold the goodies like her name was FICA, but stay strong. If she withheld too much from you, I guarantee you’ll get some type of refund at some point! This will be discussed in more detail in the NFL Draft Edition coming soon. Ladies if you have a man that really enjoys “shopping” with you and is suggesting outfits like his last name was Versace, then I’d really question if you got a man or a bia bia.

This really hit home when T Dog, L-Boogie, E Troupe, and I went to Nava yesterday (after being straight up negroes by dranking wine at some grand opening of these expensive a$$ Buckhead condos that were starting at @ $250/ft and knowing full well we weren’t trying to buy). Anyway, I think L. Boogie was pulling out her purse and I noticed w/o even seeing a label that is was Kate Spade. Why do I know this? It’s b/c I have done the nice guy thing and went solo into a Kate Spade store to buy a really nice gift for a young woman who was secretly trying to “train” or “bia” me out. Was she successful? Let’s just say Ric is single right now and accepting applications!

Hooking a certified URS 8 and above up with another brotha. Unless you are
married or a “bia bia” then keep all the marbles to yourself. Be greedy fellas! Stack as many chips as you can and use them at your discretion. Any dude that is always hooking his boys or random guys up with dimes and he doesn’t have a dime himself is SUSPECT! This is the equivalent of IBM trying to sell me a computer and the sales rep uses a Dell to show me what the computer’s capabilities are.

An even better example is when Florida State brings their football recruits, not to FSU’s campus, but to FAMU’s McGuin-Diamond Hall. Sorry to all the non rattlers for all the FAMU blurbs, but I got one more thing to say. If you were part of the M-D 20/20 step show team from Spring 1993 ya’ll were legendary. Just as legendary as the following sorority lines: AKA-Spr. 95, and 97, and almost EVERY Delta line with a special, special dedication to that “Legends of the Fall” line! Holla at me!

Anyway, Ladies if your man is hooking his boys up with dimes (which means he has dime friends) and you are not one or close to it, I’d really start asking questions. Fellas, there is nothing wrong with hooking your boys up, just make sure you are taken care of first! Oh yeah, before someone says “he may have dime friends, but he doesn’t have what it takes to be with a dime, so he hooks up his boys”, I say get off of that “sticky icky”. Dimes only hang with dudes that are:

(i) no threat to try them
(ii) always there to answer their calls to talk about “other” dudes
(iii) willing to go and get pedicures and manicures with them (if you go with a girlfriend I think this is okay fellas)
(iv) does any of the aforementioned and has absolutely no plan of action on how to use this to their advantage. (This is the clincher point)

Now if a guy fits any of these point above and he hangs with a dime, even if he can’t “have” one, I SAY HE IS A BIA BIA!

Metro-sexuals versus Bia Bia’s
Ok you all asked for it and TDRS needs to definitely set the record straight. I’m not one to shy away from being called out so here I go. If you want to put TDRS in a category then I suppose you can call me a metro-sexual. If a metro-sexual is a guy that:

1.Goes to the dentist to make sure his teeth remain in his mouth.
2.Has some sort of art gracing his walls that could actually appreciate in value one day, further fattening his pockets. Jamal, I’ll give you 100 bucks for that Sade portrait.
3.Uses facial cleanser to prevent oneself from doing paid t.v. ads for pro-activ
4.Chooses to live in the most urban areas (the marina, buckhead, midtown, deep elum, etc) of major metropolitan cities
5.Can cook a nice meal and a number of desserts from scratch. Let me just say there is nothing like the look on a female’s face the first time you “from scratch” bake her a cake or anything for that matter.
6.Has a stash of two or three wines in the kitchen. Ladies you should be scared of these brothas b/c (we) these brothas have a plan and that is to mistakenly find a pair of your draws in (our) his laundry the next week. Oh yeah TDRS and his boys keep a BAR and if any of you ladies (ones who want to get down) want to come over (at your own risk, of course) to check it out then please swing by 2479 Peachtree Rd.
7.Washes his hair with actual hair shampoo as opposed to (i) soap (irish spring, dial, or heaven forbid the Winn Dixie private label brand), (ii) plain water or (iii) not washing his hair at all, then YES I AM a Metro-Sexual.

HollaAtYaBoy!

TDRS-THE MONDAY NIGHT VIDEO RANT

So my favorite columnist these days, besides my boy Eric Fountain (“The Rattlesnake”) who is a fellow contributor to the HollaAtYaBoys blog site (coming soon) is Bill Simmons from page 2 on ESPN.com. During the NCAA tournament Bill did a running column of the games and random events with his boys. Well I am going to be like the Japanese and take his idea and make it better. I’d like to be the first man in history to write a running column of my night of watching videos on MTV Jams (MTV J), MTV 2, VH1 Soul, and BET Hip Hop (“Bet HH”). This is going to require some serious typing speed, but I think I can do it. Some of you don’t watch videos, so this might not mean much to you. However, for those of you who watch videos to either (a) feel black again (as I had to do in San Fran for years b/c I saw maybe one or two "folks" a day) or (b) catch up on the hottest tunes (b/c program radio stinks!), then you will hopefully read this and better understand my random life.

I’m starting with BET Hip Hop, channel 276 for those who enjoy spending $100 bucks a month for the platinum package through Comcast. Let me just say Comcast is getting away with murder. If there was ever a situation where Anti Trust regulations failed, it was in the cable industry! These cocky bastards at Comcast even tried to acquire Disney last year! Anyway…….”Is that yo Chic” with Memphis Bleek and Missy is on BET HH.
1. Okay, how many people have been burned by a Memphis bleek album?
2. Black Rob-“Whoa” just followed the Memph Bleek video….
3. Absolutely ridiculous song. This song was THE headbanger for 1999-2000.
4. Where is Black Rob anyway?
5. Did anyone buy the Black Rob album?
6. What’s up with Puffy and this semi truck in the video? Speaking of, that Pespi commercial during the Superbowl with Carson Daley was soo wack.
7. Why do these videos try to make Brooklyn look so clean?
8. Does Puff have to have fireworks in every video?
9. What’s funny is that there aren’t any real cameos in this video.
10. Turning the channel to MTV Jams right now……
11. Are u kidding me, it’s the TI “you don’t know me” video Chopped and Screwed.
12. Why do we have Chopped and Screwed videos? Did all the brothers in Houston ride the short yellow school bus?…….“My name is Lil Darrel”! If you don’t listen to Rickey Smiley then you won’t understand.
13. Big Ups to TI for representing where he is really from. No buildings or video shoot in Buckhead. TI is straight up representing the SWATS.
14. Okay this chopped and screwed version is really bugging me right now. I mean if a song is chopped and screwed, is it the same length as the regular song? Just wondering because I swear this video has been on about a half hour.
15. Wow I just saw dat niggie DAZ from the DoggPound in TI’s video. Yo “she got the bomb ass pu$$y”. Classic song from back in the day when Snoop and crew were “crushing the buildings”.
16. Okay the Baby “Get yo shine on” video is on. Insanity!
17. Baby just said “and my momma “Ms Gladys”? Why don’t black folk say Ms, Mrs, or Mr and the actual last name of the person in question? Why do we have to always be “kriss krossed” and do things the opposite way?
18. How did Lil Wayne end up with Nivea? I mean I know he’s paid, but come on. He does really make this video hot though.
19. Hey Russell Simmon’s ghetto ass wife is in this video. She’s ghetto but she’d STILL get it! Isn’t she like 6’5 and Russell is like 5’6?
20. I swear every cash money video features some clip of them on that bridge right before you get into New Orleans. ….Okay enough of the MTV Jams…
21. I am watching VH1 Soul right now……
22. The “Soldier” song by Destiny’s Child is on.
23. Damn Beyonce’s sister Solange is as pregnant as Grace Jones was in Boomerang before she gave birth to that bottle of Stranze perfume. Why couldn’t I have been Beyonce’s sister’s baby daddy? And, before anyone says anything I would have at least waited until she was “of age”. Half her age plus seven is the rule, right Haas G Tate? Btw, it’s the higher of your little sister’s age or the above calculation fellas. That said, I can’t go lower than 22. Jamal you’re screwed at 24.
24. How old is Ciara btw? The video isn’t on but her new video is OOOOkay!
25. Anyway, back to the soldier video……I hate Roy Williams (Kelly’s fiancé and safety for the Dallas Cowboys). I mean I played safety in pee-wee football and I didn’t see a "Kelly" type trying to marry me.
26. Kelly please stop!
27. Kelly has really been bringing her A-Game for some time now. Leaving the Popeye’s chicken alone works wonders!
28. Btw, I just found a Popeye’s chicken near Buckhead and I’m pretty hype right now. It’s the same feeling I had when I found that Popeye’s chicken on Divisidero St. in San Francisco for all my Bay area homies!
29. I really think two biscuits should be standard in any Popeye’s meal. And I really shouldn’t have to ask for grape jelly every time either. Jelly is like napkins, so stuff a couple of packets in the box!
30. What is Michelle talking about in the soldier song when she says “He don’t know it may be on tonight"? Maybe on? Michelle, it’s either on or not and don’t you sing gospel songs or something anyway?
31. The 112, “Only You” video is rolling right now.
32. These brothers from 112 will forever be remembered for shooting a video in front of the Waffle House. I now nominate 112 to the "You know your group is ghetto when list.
33. Biggie totally made this song. “Game so tight, they call it virgin!”
34. Actually Biggie really made every song he was on and EVERY Puffy, Lil KIM, and Junior Mafia album as well.
35. The first “112” album was actually pretty good now that I think about it.
36. That Peaches and Cream song was off the hook. I know it wasn’t on the first album, but it was still tight.
37. There is some miscellaneous Vh1 Soul pub and something about the Aids global fund rolling. Speaking of fundraising and I am not being mean, but haven’t they raised ENOUGH money for Tsunami relief? I mean it isn’t like the area was New York City or anything. I can send my twin nephews down there to rebuild the sand castles that were there prior to the disaster. I am getting closer and closer to hell…I know.
38. Yesssss, the Amerie “One Thing” song with Eve is on! Okay, Amerie is probably a solid 8, but she brings her A-Game in this video and almost gets “dime” status. There is only “one thing that got me trippin” right now and that is her legs. As my boy Terrance would say “Cheese and Rice”!
39. Eve would get it too btw. Yes Jamal I guess she IS “hella cute”. As long as she hides the tiger prints, I’m down! Does anyone watch her show on the U Pick a Negro Network? BigUps to the former Ms America and Doritos chick for keeping it real. If I were to marry her, could the sistas really be mad? I mean, once you go UPN, you can never go to NBC (Non Black Channel).
40. Ebony, I really think Amerie says “Na Na Na Na Na Boo” in this song!
41. Okay I can’t watch anymore of this video. Oh no, not the fish net stockings. Oh, not the toss my salad Korean character tattoo on the back. I love this video. I can watch it all day if I had to.
42. Okay this Tweet “Turning Da Lights” off video is on right now….
43. Missy is really losing a lot of weight.
44. She’s losing a lot of weight but still looks the same if that makes any sense.
45. Okay, Tweet has way too many tattoos. She’s a solid 7, but this video brings her to an 8.
46. Can’t she ask Missy for a loan to help her straighten out that front tooth? “Oops” Tweet, you may need to get that fixed. If you need a dentist “Call Me”. It really bugs me every time I watch this video.
47. Do you think Tweet “hooked” Missy up to get on? Just asking!
48. Enough of Tweet and Missy, time to turn back to MTV Jams….
49. Hmmm the Cassidy “I’m a hustler video just went off”. GOOD Riddance! This whole sampling of Jay Z has gone too far.
50. Wu Tang is playing right now……
51. Did anyone ever listen and try to recite Wu Tang lyrics?
52. I just ask b/c I tried and just couldn’t get there. I can quote the Raekwon “Ice Cream” song verbatim though. ….”Me amore, wee wee, bon bons and all that good stuff”. “Oh yeah, shouts out to all the butter pican Ricans for calling me Popi”.
53. I have no idea what they are saying in this song that’s on right now…..oh wait a minute……
54. “I got myself a 40 and I got myself a shorty and I’m about to go and stick it”! I understand that line, I guess. …..….back to BET Hip Hop.
55. There’s a commercial on BET HH right now. Why? MTV J and VH-1 Soul are commercial free. I don’t understand b/c Viacom owns BET and MTV. Inequality never ends!
56. Back to VH1-Soul……..
57. Hey the Carlos Santana and The Product G&B “Maria” song…
58. I used to love the Sesame Street Maria.
59. I think this guy is singing about the Sesame Street Maria.
60. Whatever happened to Maria? What was the Latino dude’s name on the show? I always thought he was trying to get with her.
61. Sorry but did anyone have a Latino friend named Marisol or Guadalupe growing up?
62. I always thought those were a cool names, but that’s just me.
63. This beat is soo tight and the Santana guitar part is absolutely awesome….new song is coming on……
64. Wow, Brand New Heavies: “Brother, Sister”. Okay the woman in the group, I forget her name, but she is solid 9.
65. The white boys in the group will forever be cool.
66. Speaking of, why are all white dudes and a lot of women from the UK cool? I mean they aren’t the most attractive people in the world, but they are always pretty cool.
67. I mean aren’t the girls from Floetry cool? The bigger one is sort of cute in a Jill Scott kinda way, but that’s just me.
68. Back to MTV Jams…….
69. “Get crunk with it, like short said let Bruce Bruce Hit It.” The Ying Yang classic, “Salt Shaker” is on.
70. These guys really love Strippers. Every song has been about stripping or strippers since “Whistle While You Twurk”. Will Twurk be added to the dictionary like “bling bling” any time soon?
71. I guess that’s what happens when you grew up going to the “Pac Jam” and the Rolex. Those from “da bottom (Miami for the clueless)” can only relate to the “Pac Jam”.
72. Speaking of the Pac Jam, I was talking to my girl Spice from J-Ville (or as what FAMUANS refer to as Duvall) and she actually said she had never heard of the “City Boy.” That’s just a shame! Lee Johnson or anyone from the state of Florida will you please educate Ms Davis on the City Boy? Please! Love you like my grandmother’s homemade preserves and biscuits Spice!
73. Brothas always coming up with new things to say…..”Shake it like a salt shaker”. What’s next “flip it like a t.v. channel”? As a matter of fact that’s a good idea right now……
74. Changing channels…..There is no way I am going to turn back and forth and not get the John Legend “Ordinary People” song……especially on VH-1 Soul
75. Nothing on Vh1-soul. Some song and some artist I never heard of.
76. Who’s this K-OS dude? Shouldn’t he be added to the Black Eyed Peas?
77. Wow, just like the radio stations in Atlanta, MTV J and Bet HH are playing the Beenie Seagel song featuring Snoop Dogg simultaneously. Guess I gotta watch one of them huh?
78. Speaking of the radio, don’t we FAMUans or those from that school at the “bottom of the hill (Florida State for the clueless)” miss FM 90.5?
79. Is Snoop Dogg in every video and commercial these days?
80. This Beenie Seagel song is tight btw. I’ll definitely be picking up this album tomorrow.
81. Wow, only one cameo by Jermaine…ooops, Dame Dash! I get the “Napoleon Complex” crew mixed up often.
82. The Mario “How could you” video just came on. Wow this guy has come a long way since the rip off of “just a friend” and the gay a$$ “braid my hair” song.
83. Mario is asking his girlfriend why she dogged him out throughout this video.
84. I don’t think I like this song. Getting cheated on is the worst. Cheating and not getting caught is the best! Can’t wait to hear about this statement.
85. Enough of Mario………
86. Wow the Clipse “Grindin” is on Bet HH. This song was the hottest of all hottest in 2002-2003.
87. This is the beginning of when we really started to get sick of seeing Pharell in videos. And this is like the first time I even saw or actually noticed him in a video.
88. I mean the album was good, but weren’t we all expecting every song to be hot like Grindin on the Clipse album?
89. I love the Chinese dude, Chad of the Neptunes. He just chills and STAYS OUT OF VIDEOS!
90. Okay classic BET, they just cut the Grindin video for a…..Oh my gosh, a BENZINO and Benny Boom video.
91. Okay if you or anyone you know or anyone they know purchased, downloaded or even listened to a Benzino song for more than a minute please send me an email.
92. This song is terrible. A bunch of “high yellow” kids singing some song that I have never heard of. I only said high yellow b/c one of the kids just said it in the video.
93. Who says “high yellow” anyway? I guess I would be Low Black. ….That’s a cool name huh?
94. Do people in Boston even buy Benzino albums?….okay it’s almost 10pm so I need to change the channel quickly.
95. Okay they are playing the same chopped and screwed TI song AGAIN on MTV Jams.
96. Wow. Digable Planets “9th Wonder” from the Blowout Comb album is on VH1 Soul. The second album was soo tight. I’ll be rockin this tomorrow on the way to work.
97. “I’m 68 inches above sea level, 93 million miles above these devils. Play me in the winter, play me in the Summer……”. Lady Bug was so damn cute!
98. Whatever happened to Digable Planets?…….changing the channel AGAIN!
99. The Bobby Valentino “Slow Down” video is on.
100. I really like this song. “Slow down, I just want to get to know you, but don’t you turn around, because that pretty round thing looks good to me”.
101. Is this the dude that sang Blackberry Molasses? Remember that song?
102. “Turn around and bless me with your beauty, cutie.” I’m definitely going to use this when I am on them streets on Friday.
103. This would be really fun if BET Uncut was on right now!
104. Do they post the parental rating guide when uncut is on? Someone needs to b/c its more revealing than the Red Shoe diaries or “Emmanuel episodes 1-16” on Showtime.
105. I’m at line 105 and its like 10:05pm on the dot. It’s amazing how that happened. Clearly, I have no life and I am pretty sure I am going to flunk CFA Level III this year b/c of (i) my boy Jamal forcing me to party and P Jones influencing me to travel to places like Rio and (ii) my need to write you people random, insignificant blurbs about NOTHING. And don’t worry, the classic TDRS will be in your email boxes on Thursday as usual! This was just something to get you going for the week.
HollaAtYaBoy!

TDRS-THE THREE STRIKE RULE EDITION

Once Again it’s on! YaBoy is coming at you “east coast, west coast, and worldwide” straight chopped up and screwed in this edition. Yeah I said world b/c TDRS is now worldwide by way of Cairo, Egypt. Mitch Hopson (my Shanghai roll dog and the self proclaimed “I just know Rico and Jamal” homeboy) is in Cairo Egypt reading the gospel of TDRS! Much love to the new readers (Nicole, Latesa, Ijeoma) and to those loyal readers who keep replying to a brotha and forwarding this ridiculousness to others. Special shout out to LG Tate who shoots these to readers of his critically acclaimed “Air Up There” Column. I’d also like to send a shout out to Ava D. who should have been credited with the Ron Mexico/Valtrex joke. Also, to all those Chi-town natives who were upset about the rip on your city, TDRS says check the following verse: “Keep a O we burnin slow, we optimo, y'all swisher sweetsAnd don't compete, I'm too unique, sit back be quiet when TDRS speaks”…..Pastor Troy-No Play In G.A. Mailbag: Here are a few responses from the “You Can’t Coach That Edition”:

All right there, playa, all right! You know you’re my boy, ‘cause that Mike Jones thing just HAD to be a throw out to me! I’m Mike Jones, (who?), Mike Jones – keep it strong for the Southern fellas!..M Nadhiri

· I have to tell you that I have been cracking up in my office reading this edition. I can barely bill any hours due to me laughing so much. Just wanted to say that this made my week, which has been a long, rough and hard one. Very entertaining! Keep them comin'! …L Bailey
· Thanks for adding me to your list. Your material is hilarious! I would like for you to send me the rating scale, because I keep hearing about it (and honestly, I would like to rate myself!) By the way, I don't get offended by your emails because most of it is true, its just a matter of it applies to you or not. The "he's too short" edition really hit home because I dated a short man (he was shorter than me) for a long time. I keep asking myself "How does he know that?" You are by far the funniest man I have ever met! When I tell my friends about your emails, I equate it to what Carrie's column would have said in Sex in the City if you could have read it. Ok, so... please send me the rating scale and don't stop writing! P.S. I now say "straight cash homey" to people when its appropriate and I crack up every time. Thanks! Oh and your allusions to rap songs by BBD, Mike Jones, and Little Jon are so funny…I. Keke

· As you can tell this TDRS, must have ranked up there to trigger a longer response from me than normal... A-game.... I am in shock that you said that I wasn't matching... I feel reprimanded when I didn't do anything wrong... I read the part about wearing a hat to the club and didn't feel like a "hit dog" then I scroll down and you called me out... Hot DAMn!!! I was very cute (and this is a universal cute, btw) in the club and was getting much play from the market... so WHAT THE HELL!!! And I was matching and looking simply adorable... (you even said so!!!) I am hurt Mr. TDRS (where is My Ric!) …THE END (as I lean back in my chair and do my spoiled bratt arm folding) …….S. Davis

What up, Ric! You are a Fool. I definitely enjoyed this edition of TDRS you have redeemed yourself from the quickie! Or in the spirit of this week's TDRS - dare I say you brought your A game and took me there! Oh my, when you come you really do come hard! Ha, ha. Try not to slip up again, pimp'in. You know sistas have a 3 strike rule - we'll have to discuss this one further the next time I see you in the streets! :-) ……Yasmin

……So I just sent out the A-Game Edition and for some reason I feel pressure to begin work on a new edition today (Thursday April 14). It could be b/c of my new sidekick Yasmin’s reply of how women have a three-strike rule and how in her book I already got one strike (the Casting Stones edition wasn’t long enough). I have heard this whole three-strike rule before and it is very intriguing. I mean if fool me once is shame on you and fool me twice is shame on me, then what is fool me three times? I guess it’s a STRIKEOUT?

This whole three strikes thing is of course affiliated with baseball. I love baseball. As I alluded to in the last edition, I should be making millions right now and it would have been b/c of what we call our national pastime. I am not going to brag on myself, but I really believe God gave me the talent to play baseball. I was awesome and I mean awesome back in the day. However, b/c I slipped up once (I got a D on a project) my dad kept me out of baseball for a season. One measly project! Not a D for the class or a D on a test, but a D on a fuc$kin project.

Clearly, Yasmin’s point about the three strikes has stirred some suppressed feelings. You see growing up my dad basically lived by a modified strike rule, the two-strike rule. In my parents twisted logic, the fact that you were forewarned about a potential slip-up counted as strike one and the actual slipup was a strike out. As I have aged, I now really admire their logic and it really does make sense.

Okay, let me state my opinion real quick. Ladies and Gentlemen the Three Strike Rule needs to go. Not just in dating and relationships but in the criminal justice system too. I have heard all of the reasons why the California three-strike rule isn’t fair, but someone needs to talk about how it is TOO FAIR. Yeah I know about the whole cost to taxpayers and I agree the jails are overcrowded with petty crime and non-violent offenders! But, these people are still OFFENDERS! Here is my logic: If said offender breaks into my car and steals it or the contents inside, then who pays for it? Yeah, I got insurance but don’t act like my premiums aren’t going to go up after filing a claim. Let’s just say the total damage to my car is X dollars. If my portion of the total bill to keep this OFFENDER in jail is equal to or even double my damages, I believe I come out even. Keeping an OFFENDER in jail is really like CAR insurance, if not better. By paying taxes for jails, I am ensuring that said criminal is unable to touch my vehicle or any of my personal possessions! Sorry guys, but when you have been victim to a number of break-ins, one tends to be a bit bitter. AND I AM!

My beef is not just with criminals it’s with the fact that sports (which is not real life, but entertainment) filters a bit too much into everyday real life (i.e. giving criminals or wack dudes three chances). If you really think sports is real then I say you got a problem b/c some of these guys are getting away with murder, LITERALLY and this is not a swipe at OJ! Anyway, today will not be discussion of the criminal justice system. I am going to stick to what I don’t really know that well, but can easily make fun of, the dating and relationship game.

Baseball Game
Sorry, but the long introduction was meant to be an easy transition into the meat of today’s TDRS. I thought it would be worthwhile to discuss the parallels of dating/club life and baseball given that the month of April means a new season is underway. I’m such a hypocrite huh? I go on a rampage about everyday life and sports and then proceed to talk about baseball and dating. I love it!

The Pitcher and Catcher
In my first week of work at my previous employer in San Francisco, the in-house lawyer and managing director asked me a very simple question: Rico are you a pitcher or are you a catcher? This totally caught me off guard and I really had no idea what their angle was with the question. After careful thought, I basically said that I was a pitcher and they seemed pleased.

Fellas, in the streets we should ALL be pitchers and only pitchers. Pitchers determine which pitch to throw, not the catcher, not even the manager. Now I could easily make this a discussion about men as pitchers and ladies as catchers, but I aint going there. In some circles, catchers (and ladies you can you use your imagination here) are supposed to catch balls! Anyway, this will be somewhat of a gender-neutral discussion, so I am not going to get on the ladies today…yeah right, y’all know better!!!

I repeat, Fellas we need to be the pitchers, because if you “bitch” out and become a catcher you are in a world of trouble. The following is list of pitches that the ladies throw and how to hit them.

A) The Fastball
Technical Definition: They throw something at you so fast that reaction time is usually delayed causing one to miss. There is no trickery in this pitch. It’s usually thrown straight down the middle of the plate, just really fast.

Street Example: They hit you with the “so you can sleep with me, but can’t be my boyfriend” line. This is a straight question or comment by a concerned female. There is no better way (in their minds) to ask what’s up with the relationship and where it is going. Brothas miss every time (and I have a few times myself) on this one b/c we try to lie and say some bullshi#t like “naw its not like that, when in REALITY it IS like that. Here are a few more fastball pitches:

1. After only one date, she tells you out of the blue that she really LIKES you.
2. She asks you to attend ANY wedding or Christmas party with her after no more than 3 dates.
3. She invites you to church……during FOOTBALL season! I know I’m going to a place full of scotch tape, cardboard boxes, and u-haul trucks for that. “ I love the Lord, I say I love the Lord. He helped Joshua climb the walls of Jericho, he helped Daniel out of the Lions pit, and he helped “GILLIGAN…get off that island.
4. She asks you to meet her father……after only two or three dates.
5. She starts buying you condoms. Fellas, as I said in a 2004 TDRS you should watch this b/c it is her attempt to monitor your supply. Think about it, women can count and if they know how many condoms you have in beginning inventory plus what they purchased and two weeks later they see what you have in ending inventory, they can easily figure out your “Cost of Goods Sold” or what you have used. That said either (a) don’t let her know where they are or (b) keep a super large supply, so they can’t keep a count!
6. She says anything that remotely sounds like “I want you to fu#ck me”. This isn’t a bad thing at all but it always throws a brotha off the first time.
7. She cries in front of you. Let me just say that THERE IS NO CRYING IN BASEBALL!

How to hit this Pitch: Ironically, the best way to hit this pitch is to BE HONEST (Thank-you Steph T). The only way to hit a fastball is to swing early and not late. Brothas need to have some bat speed and come back at them with a good cut (swing for the clueless). In reference to the first street example, Fellas should just say “yes, I enjoy your company, but I AM NOT TRYING TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP! Now she may take this as if you don’t really want her, which just might be true. Okay it IS true. It’s up to her if she wants to make another pitch. The guy really wins either way in this situation b/c (i) they either get some “no strings attached booty”, which is the equivalent to a fastball that is right down the middle of the plate or (ii) they save themselves from all the drama of dealing with a scorned chic! BTW fellas, there is really no such thing as unattached booty! Don’t be a fool.

B) The Curve Ball
Technical Definition: They throw something that appears to be easy to hit but at the opportune moment, the ball dives or breaks in a downward motion.

Street Example: You’re out at the club and you think you see the one, a URS-8 that you can take to any event and feel like a champ. Everything seems to be going fine until that first sleep over. See before the sleepover (which if you’re a true playa happens within days), you only saw her at her VERY BEST a few times. Before you know it:

(i) That picture perfect skin was nothing more than some great cover up,
(ii) That long hair (for those who like it long) was nothing more than a weave that she is growing tired of and is heaven forbid contemplating cutting it to a point where she is rocking more waves than you and trying to borrow your brush and/or wave cap,
(iii) Those breasts that you thought were going to be put in your mouth like your name was Akinyele were nothing more than a wonder bra that paid for itself 3x over after fooling you!
(iv) You hook her up with a ride downtown and she doesn’t give you a ride back up Uptown. I aint even gonna start on this one.

How to hit this Pitch: Curve ball pitches and pitchers are really hard to hit. The key to hitting this pitch is to be PATIENT. Basically, don’t go swinging at the first thing you see on them streets. I know its hard, but there are some really good curve ball pitchers out there and they strike out a many a brothers. Now that I think about it, many ladies are curve ball pitchers. The throw shit at us just to see if we can at least foul tip. They can’t just loft one up for you to hit, b/c that would be too easy. They want you to earn that hit or trip to 1st base or for the true playas the “home run”.

Curveball pitchers like to run the count full (3 balls and 2 strikes). They do this to make a batter think a fastball is coming, but oh contraire, they hit you with a nasty curve ball and you end up striking out looking. For those new to baseball, to strikeout looking (i.e. w/o swinging) is just unacceptable.

Anyway, fellas you gotta know that on them streets the only pitch you are really going to get is a curveball, so beware. Now as is the case in baseball, a pitcher will occasionally throw a “hanging” curve that is basically a home run pitch served on a platter. No, a hanging curve is not intentional, it’s a mistake made by an overzealous pitcher. Women throw some hanging curves quite often and of course you know YaBoy is going to name a few. Here is a list of some hanging curve balls:

1. She drinks one more glass of wine on a date than she otherwise would if she was with her girls. I know some ladies do this intentionally (to give them an excuse as to why they slept with him on the night in question), so I’m willing to take this off the board if I get a bunch of emails saying that this is the case.
2. Every time you call, she picks up the phone.
3. You never return her calls, yet she calls you as if you did.
4. Prior to getting introduced, you never really saw her out, but after the introduction, you just happen to bump into her everywhere. If this happens way too often, you definitely have a stalker on your hands.
5. She does any of the following: (i) remembers your b-day and/or (ii) buys you a nice gift, after only DATING her for one week.
6. She gives you a hug every time she sees you, yet she isn’t your sister, cousin, ex-girlfriend or female friend that you’ve know for more than a year.
7. While you are taking a shower, she walks into your bathroom for anything.
8. She buys your best friend gifts (tickets for the Roots, housewarming presents, Star-Wars calendars, etc). Jamal you’re welcome and Fountain what ever became of the star wars calendar?

C) The Split Finger Fast Ball
Technical Definition: The split finger is like a fastball that’s not meant to be hit. The secret to the split finger is that there is some trickery involved. Split fingers are usually wild pitches, mostly ending up in the dirt.
Street Example: The classic split finger is the three-word kiss of death, I LOVE YOU. Like the fastball, it comes at a brother pretty fast and we almost always strike out. There is no upside to this pitch it only goes from good to bad. Ladies think hard before they make this pitch. They really only want to see how you react, NOT how you respond!
How to hit this Pitch: There is no hitting this pitch so just don’t swing. The biggest mistake is actually saying I love you back, especially if you don’t mean it. The best comeback to this is to do what the ladies do when they are encountered with the same situation. Just say something like “that’s so sweet” or “I’m flattered” or my favorite “you are just too good to be true” and just leave it at THAT! Here is another classic split finger pitch:

You are about to go H-town and “knock some boots” for the very first time and she says to you “Let’s make love”. I mean what do you do in this situation? I can understand if this is the first time after waiting for two years, but for the average brotha on dem streets (3rd or 4th…okay 6th or 7th date), this is a bit much. Ladies, we don’t have a problem with the term, we’d just like to wait until the honeymoon or when we are actually trying to go “half on a baby”. On the real, we are just trying to “beat that P _ _ _Y up”. Speaking of, the Ying Yang Twins’ new song (the Whisper song, which is HOT) brings me to a question. If you listen to the lyrics of this song, the Twins imply that once you see their, uhm “extremity” (which I am guessing they mean one that’s quite massive) that you are going to let them beat “it” up. Is this true? B/C if it is, then I will be using this going forward when I am on them streets!

Holding The Runner
Technical Definition: There is a man on first base and a batter in the box. The Pitcher, thinking the guy on first base is going to steal second base makes a throw at first to keep him honest.
Street Example: As I’ve said in previous editions, LADIES are straight up pimps and they try to keep it on the DL. Ladies are the kings of holding runners. Basically they go out with one dude and give him the impression that there could be something and therefore let him get to first base. The problem is she starts with another batter, but forgets she has a brother on first base. Exacerbating the issue is the fact that the guy on first is trying to score as quickly as possible and is willing to steal a base or two to get there. Ladies if you kiss a guy before you really want to or he’s holding your hand at the mall way to quickly, then HE stole second base.

Anyway, ladies feel the pressure of the guy on first, so to keep him from “leaning” (i.e. a guy is trying to get a jump on second base) they throw something at first base like the following:

1. When asked on a second date, she says “I’m going to hang out with one of my guy friends tonight”. This is a great one b/c the guy doesn’t really know what this means. We ask ourselves why she would hang with another guy (someone she could hang out with anytime) and not me. She knows you are going to think something is up with this friend and that you wouldn’t dare try to steal knowing you could get thrown out quickly. I guess Biz Markie has been stranded on first base for years now.
2. They intentionally don’t bring their A-Game. My Dad coins this the “wearing a broken down white T-shirt to bed move”. Basically, when she’s on the hunt, she is always bringing the A-game. You know, wearing the nice Vicky Secret underwear and wrapping the hair in a nice silk scarf. Once she has what she wants, she reverts back to the mean (C+ game) and you are sitting there spooning some chic that looks like she just came home from trick or treating in a Casper the ghost costume.
3. They talk constantly about how their girls are getting married and having children. This might cause a brother to fake an injury and request a pinch runner, so watch it ladies.
4. I’m thinking about or am practicing celibacy. Again, this is a risky move, but pretty effective at keeping a guy from trying to move to second base. A lot of guys will fake an injury here too, but if she’s an 8 or above, he’ll stay on first base b/c he knows that when (if is for losers) he does score it’s probably going to be pretty good.
5. On a random trip to the grocery store (this assumes the 3rd or 4th date and no sex), she picks up a box of tampons and throws them in your shopping cart. Ladies if you haven’t tried this then add it to your list b/c this is a highly effective way to keep that eager guy on first base in check.

Now before my ladies start shooting emails talking about brothers holding runners, just sit and listen: Brothers don’t hold runners. We do the exact opposite. We want the bases loaded at all times. Our goal is to score as many runs as possible! So now that springtime is upon us let’s get on them streets and PLAY BALL!

And with that I’m Gone

HollaAtYaBoy!

TDRS-THE YOU CAN'T COACH THAT EDITION

It’s Ya Boy and I’m coming back at you with 4,000+ words that may just start a what….GIRL-FIGHT! As always, many thanks to my loyal readers and to the new readers (Tinisha, Iyanna, Faith, Karesha-aka-Wifey, Calvin, Colin, & Louis) we add each week. Let’s keep it going! I’d like to send a special shout-out to Lee Johnson (FAMU-SBI incoming class of 93) who was forwarded the email and decided to reply by asking, “Is this Rico Simon from SBI?”. Yes indeed it is my friend!

Mailbag
I thought I would post a few of the comments that I received for prior editions of TDRS before getting into this weeks topic. If you some of you want the past editions shoot me an email and I’ll send them to you!
That’s That Bull Sh#T Edition:
· Ric, Should I say great words from a great man or strong words from a "burnt" man. Anyway, we have all been that dude (Friend but not a$$, Who is She, Buy me a Drink) in various situations for the good/bad/ugly reasons conceivable. Normally, it's the a$$ or potential for a$$ that drives your actions. Similiar to the NBA Draft, I knew LeBron was going to be good but not MVP great. Hell, I thought Kwame Brown (DC's own) was going to be at least decent. That is what it is like out there. Some hits, some misses with a whole lot of drinks in between. My personal thoughts or strategy is to off-set "That's That Bullsh#t" with my own from of "Shadiness". You know that you can't keep a "so-called" good man down. Anyway, you know that I'm talking sh#t now because I'm living the "call me later" life-style right now.
Last point, so when are you coming out with your brotha version of the popular book, He's Just Not That Into You, called, What's The Point, She Ain't A Dime Anyway!!!……M. Hopson

Universal Rating Scale:
· Ok, so I had to print off your write-up and take it home to read this weekend.....First off, I'd be interested to see the guy/girl breakdown of your readership list - I can see some girls (you know the kind) taking offense easily. I personally found it amusing. And now I'm glad to have confirmed that I'm an '8' - I say that because number 3 on your 'what's an 8' list is SOOOOO true! Annoying. Lastly, I'm going to stop using the word cute to describe people.

I'm out. Oh, and thanks for the shout-out as a new reader. Keep 'em coming…..M Dolski · You are really funny. I'm sort of out of the loop with many things, many people, but when I was forwarded the latest issue of TDRS, I had a really good chuckle. Try not to piss too many ladies off, you may be vying for their love and affection one day. Take care!…….J. Jones Is a 10 a 10? -The Reply To Mitch Edition:
· Perhaps your best work to date. You inspire me son…….. J. Jackson

Bar Etiquette Edition:
….Wow...as a former bartender I'm not sure what to think about the tipping section of this edition. If you tip well on the first drink, bartenders will remember you and every subsequent drink will be stronger and they will try to get to you faster. The first drink a bartender pours is normally medium to strong because they're trying to feel you out. Bartenders take care of those that take care of them. Especially female bartenders. ……KMConey

……Man, you do a great job. What do you do at work? I write TV reviews that are half as long and can take me up to 3 hours. How do you manage your time at work? Don't people peep over your shoulder to see what you are doing? Do you let people at work read these reports?…Jacqulyn
· I definitely still remember all the many lessons from you, Jamal, and big Mike (e.g. You have to turn around to look at an ass like that, don't ever give up your seat at the bar for a woman, never doubt the macking abilities of big Mike - who's married now I think, and don't trust all Chicken and Waffle joints to actually have chicken and waffles)…...Little Woodie

Yo Ric, when you said:"She does the “bend over to the front and touch the toes dance” like two or three times, but no more than that. By the way, doesn’t bending over already imply to the front? Sorry, I was just wondering. Maybe Lil John deals with women who can bend over to the back too. I almost fell out of my chair at work! That sh*t was comedy! Keep it up playa!…….C Gladney

Casting Stones Edition:
You went a little long on your rant about Women who prefer tall men.... I could sense some resentment in your commentary... If readers didn't know before reading this edition you were shorter than "6'0 tall... NOW THEY KNOW, for sure... And for the record... Baby's Daddys ARE STILL NOT COOL, unless the child is over 18 and already has a college fund established and paid for... Those with Jobs and not careers who read your commentary will be a little bitter, so be forewarned... you may lose a market with those comments... just WRONG... But I still LOVED IT!!!! …….S Davis

Thanks again to all the readers and future readers! For the record I am not 6ft, I am a solid 5’10. I’ve never been called short, but never been called tall either.

Moving On………….
So as I mentioned last week, the subject for this edition of TDRS will be “You Can’t Coach That”. I don’t know how many sports enthusiasts there are out there, but growing up, this is all that I heard, especially from my father who I blame for me not being a multi-millionaire right now (long story, but those of you who’ve met my father have heard his side of the story and he is a LIAR). I love my dad by the way folks, so this is all in good fun!

Anyway, I thought given the win by Carolina over Illinois and Tiger’s spectacular comeback this weekend at the Masters a rant about coaching, talent, men, and sports needed to be written. You typically hear the statement “you can’t coach that” followed by something like “speed” or “height”. The statement is so true! In a nutshell, North Carolina and Tiger Woods were more talented than their competitors. There is nothing you can do when a team or individual is more talented than you and when they bring their A-Game. Yeah, Villanova beat Georgetown and the Red Sox beat the Yankees, but we all know the Yanks and the Hoyas didn’t bring their A-Game. This is the only way coaching beats talent and that is when the talented don’t play their best or close to it. So what does talent and coaching have to do with dating and relationships? Hopefully by the end of this TDRS you’ll know.

Bring the A-Game
My Ace J. Jackson and I have always talked about what we call “bringing your A-Game. The concept is so simple, yet many, and I’m talking men and women rarely subscribe to it. Many of you ladies were upset with the Universal Ratings Scale (“URS”) and it’s because you didn’t really hear everything you needed to hear. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING A SEVEN! Okay I said it. Now there is something wrong with being a 7 and not bringing you’re A-Game. This applies to when you go out on a date, to the club, CHURCH, or even work.

Let’s break this down. As described in the URS, a 10 is a 10. Now if a 10 goes to the club and decides to bring her A-Game, then there is no way on earth that you, as a 7 can compete, absolutely NO WAY! When Tiger brings his A-Game all of his drives are in the fairway. Yeah I know Phil Mickelson, V-Jay, and Ernie Els can put their balls in the fairway too, but when Tiger brings his A-Game his drives are 60 yards longer than everyone, which allows him to attack the greens like no other. Because Tiger can do this, his competitors crumble and never really come to play. The same thing happens in the dating/relationship/club world. Some (notice I said some) ladies know that they are going to have to play against a room full of “Tigers or 10s” when they go to the club. Instead of attacking Tiger head on like Chris Demarco did this weekend, many of these ladies either don’t show up or choke like Phil Mickelson does every time he plays Tiger. The following details the excuses that ladies “who don’t want to go and attack 10’s head on” use:
“I’m tired of the whole club scene”. Usually this excuse is preceded by the classic “aren’t you tired of going to the club?” in some sort of weird effort to distract a brotha from the matter at hand. To answer this question, No I am not tired of the scene and don’t get mad at me b/c you went to more Moon, Alpha, Q, and wack pajama parties at the Student Union during your freshman year, than you went to class in your entire collegiate career. I agree that women mature faster than men (ages 5-16), but when they get to college I honestly believe that gets thrown out the window. Maturity is somewhat misused in this context. I like burned out instead! That is one of the problems going on today with this whole dating and relationship thing. Ladies are getting all upset that brothas aren’t trying to be committed. Why should they? You had all of your “trifling, shiftless, and lackadaisical” times in college, so let a brotha have his fun now.

I’d like to quote the magnificent “Mike Jones” of Swisha House fame before I dive more into this issue: “Back den, girls didn’t want me, now I’m hot, girls all on me”.

Ladies, brothas (one’s who have their shit together and can throw rocks if they want to) are a hot product right now and are in limited supply. They are selling like hotcakes all over the world (My boy PJones was taken off the market by a gal from Bello Horizonte….BRAZIL!). Given that brothas are hot right now, what makes you think he wants to lock in a long-term contract with you at a fixed rate (at least give the brotha the option to float around here and there)? Purchase contracts with terms are for losers who are not confident enough that they can continue to sell their product in the future! Don’t get mad, that is just the way the market is. If you don’t buy at the terms brothas are setting right now, guess what, someone else will!

So, if you are tired of the club scene and just want to stay home, go ahead. Just know that you could be missing out. Yeah I know, go to church and find the “one”. Let me just tell you that you are too late if that is your route. Church boys are in high demand too and don’t think the terms with them are any better (maybe even worse). Don’t even let me get started on them!

I don’t have anything to wear. I love this one b/c it makes absolutely no sense. Ladies if you are ever in this predicament, then do what brothers do and put on the ladies’ equivalent of a throwback jersey: the tight fitting white/black extra short sleeve t-shirt (that says “Bebe” or has some stupid saying or word like “sexy” or ”I love boys”) and a pair of jeans. Ladies, you can never go wrong with this outfit. Btw, is it pronounced Be Be or Bay Bay, or just Beeb? Inquiring minds want to know.

I am not a big drinker. While I go to the club to drink, I’d say most people go to the club to dance. Now if you don’t do either one, then you are likely no fun anyway, so you are doing us both a favor by staying your “boring” ass at home!

I don’t have any money. Hmmm. I’d like to send a shout out to my adopted (forced by my boy Jamal) little sis and fellow drinking club member Maya Jackson. Last time I checked this girl rarely spends a dime at the club and no she doesn’t sit there and talk to random dudes who expect something in return. Now Maya may rank a bit higher on the URS than most (sorry Jamal), but that doesn’t mean lower rated ladies can’t go to club, have fun, and not spend money. I mean, if you are a 6 then do you really expect to holla or get hollered at by a top notch guy? Of course not, so play on your level and dance with the wack dudes who carry the champagne bottles and you’ll be fine.

Now that we got the ladies who don’t come to play in check, lets switch to the ladies who come to the course and choke like Phil Mickelson. Ladies are not bringing their A game when:

(i) They rock a hat that doesn’t even come close to matching the outfit. Fellas, this is a clear signal that she didn’t get her hair done. There is nothing wrong with this but you should ask yourself if she came out in a public not bringing her A-Game how would she be at home around just you! Yeah I know the whole “I didn’t get my hair done” spill but as Dean Mobley taught many of us “No excuses are acceptable, no amount of work is adequate until it is proven effective”. If your hair isn’t done then don’t hit them streets expecting to get hollered at. I know, I know, ladies can’t get their hair done every week, but every other week is not asking too much. Btw, I’d like to send a shout out to my girl E. Troupe (you’re getting way to many of these EB) who I know hits the hairdresser twice a month. Oh and I am still going to drop by your beauty shop b/c word on the street, there is some talent there.
(ii) They are “Crunk” (See TDRS –Bar Ettiquette for a detailed description)! There is nothing worse than an over the top drunk chic. They are no fun b/c they could at any moment (i) pass out (and then you have to carry them out), (ii) hurl on you or heaven forbid, in your car, or (iii) they wake up the next day expecting you to cook breakfast like her name was Nia in Love Jones. The worse case scenario is that all three of the above happen in one night, which means a brotha likely got nothing! Many of you wrote in upset about the fact that I said ladies should stick to the fruity drinks and this is exactly why they should. I don’t know about all of the fellas out there but I don’t find waking up to a chic that reeks of Crown Royale, Hennessey or Gin (especially Seagrams) to be attractive.
(iii) “They are wearing the same outfit as your girl!” This again is absolutely unacceptable and I see this rule broken quite often on the streets (especially in Chicago…..Ava (a loyal reader that I love) aren’t you from Chicago??). I mean, Ladies, the streets are not meant to be a platform for you and your girls to try out for a double mint twins commercial. Btw, this also applies to hairstyles as well! Not cute! When you bring you’re A-Game, your outfit and hairstyle should stand above the rest. Ladies you should go onto those streets thinking like the FAMU Marching 100, “Often imitated, but never DUPLICATED! This goes for the brothas to, don’t be heading out in a group looking like ya’ll are about to sing the “Mowtown Philly Remix”! This would be truly the End of the Road if this happens!
(iv) The only outfits they wear to work are pants suits! I believe in the whole equality thing, but some of you take it way to far! Show a little leg please! Pants suits are the equivalent to the golf shirt and khaki outfit that my Caucasian brethren wear every damn day, and twice on Sunday. Vary the outfits please.
(v) They walk past the long line at the club thinking the bouncer is going to let them in and they end up having to make the walk of shame back to the end of the line. Even worse, they further embarrass themselves by getting on a cell phone trying to call the person who supposedly had them on the list. Brothas are probably guiltier of this, but I’ll get to them in a second. I’d like to send another shout to Spice who even with a hat on, (it didn’t match but you made it work) walked straight through the line at The Compound in ATL. Note Terrance and I were in-line a good 40 minutes before we even saw the door! Spice, you know I love you like a play-cousin!

Not to be outdone…..Brothas don’t bring their A-Game when:

(i) They are late for a date b/c they were too busy trying to play one more game of Madden. Jamal, I dare you to forward this to Jamylah. Oh yeah, ladies I am just going to say that buying your man a Playstation is a really bad idea! Sorry fellas, I don’t own one, so I have no motivation to keep this on the hush.
(ii) Have more “throw-back” jersey’s in their closet than ties or buttoned down shirts. I don’t own a throwback, but I do think the number of throwbacks a brother should have, should be less than the number of positions in his favorite sport. For example, if baseball is your favorite sport then there should be no more than 7 jerseys in the closet (I don’t really differentiate between a left, center or right fielder, so it counts as only 1 position). For basketball, it would only be three, guard forward, center.
(iii) They have multiple cell phone clips. Fellas, lets stop the madness. Keep the cell phone in the pocket and stop looking like undercover cops.
(iv) They rock the gigantic cell phone earpieces. Yeah this Bluetooth technology is getting way out of hand. Brothas look like they are about to pilot a delta flight with all of this headgear.
(v) They try to dress like Andre 3000. This is an epidemic in the city of Atlanta. I’m sorry but it aint cool and I haven’t heard any “sistas” saying that it is cool.
(vi) They pick up a lady in a dirty car. If the weather is bad, then the interior should at least be clean!
(vii) They are kissing some chic in the club! Game over! This is worse than bringing sand and water to the beach or Mexicans to the Greyhound bus station (sorry Trish, I tried really hard not to offend anyone in this edition)! If you are guilty of this, then please turn in your player card immediately!
(viii) They have to take a “Time Out” and rush to Walgreens to buy some jimmy hats. Even worse is when you have to take your boy’s last couple of jimmy hats w/o his knowledge, which effectively blocks ya boy from getting any. Big Mike, Jamal will never forgive you! As my boy G Tate always says, “Be a boy-scout and always be prepared!”
(ix) Their shower or bathroom for that matter isn’t clean. Fellas, if she is afraid to sit on your toilet, then I’ll venture and say she will be apprehensive about sitting on you. If your place is clean they may just say to themselves, “I’ll just get up and go home in the morning”. Special shout out to my girl Steph-T in Oakland who taught ya boy about having a clean toilet bowl. Nothing pisses a woman off more, outside of nothing left on the roll, than the “streaks”!

To summarize, if some of you ever wonder why your friend gets more play than you when you hit the streets, its either because (i) they have a higher rating and they bring their A-game or (ii) they have the same rating as you and you didn’t bring your A-Game.

Biggest Mistakes made by Women Part I-Sports
This could be a discussion for a future TDRS, but because some you were upset with the short length of the last TDRS, I decided to make this one of those “print out and take home editions.” I know ladies, you are tired of me getting on all of you about things, but I am a guy and as long as you guys keep reading this stuff, I am going to continue telling you like it is.

So this weekend, I am watching the Master’s and right before Tiger chips in on 16, my freaking phone rings. Now was it Jamal? Eric? G Tate? My Mom? No, it was someone who shall remain nameless, that is a loyal TDRS reader. I’m not mad at her, but she clearly wasn’t watching the Masters or had any idea that the Masters was on. As men, we only have so many things left that define us and as such I believe women need to understand why. That said the following list is a survival guide or tool for women to follow with respect to Men and Sports.

(i) Don’t schedule any dinner, wedding, outing or even call during:
1. Super-bowl Sunday, the conference championship games, divisional playoff and wildcard games
2. March Madness (the NCAA tournament for the clueless),
3. ANY golf tournament where Tiger Woods is no more than 7 seven strokes behind entering the final round.
4. Any golf tournament where Tiger is paired with Phil Mickelson.
5. Any major college football game, especially during Rivalry Week (FSU vs Florida, O-State vs Michigan, the annual ass-whoppin at the fair (Texas vs OU) and last but not least FAMU vs BCC. Oh yeah the Southern (#2 band in land) versus Grambling (haters) is excluded from this list. We all know which rivalry game is the largest!
6. Any college football game on CBS when Jill Arrington is reporting from the sidelines!
7. Any tennis match where Serena Williams is playing.
8. Any CHAMPIONSHIP tennis match where Venus is playing.
9. NFL Draft Day
10. Any NBA game, which features teaser shots of the wives of the following players: Grant Hill, Jason Kidd, Chauncey Billups (I hear she’s tight) and Reggie Miller (the ex-wife).
(ii) Don’t ask us why we have to watch Sports-center twice a day? If you have to watch Dr. Phil and Oprah everyday, then please get off our backs!
(iii) Don’t go to any sporting event where we purchased the tickets with the expectation of leaving early. Anyone going to watch the Hawks or Golden St. Warriors is excused!
(iv) Size Does Matter! Don’t even think about having a Super Bowl party if you don’t have at least a 32-inch television. As a matter of fact, don’t even expect me to come over and watch a movie if your television isn’t at least 32 inches.
(v) Don’t ask us sports questions just to see if we would be patient enough to answer them. We see right through this and will not be patient!
(vi) Keep all comments regarding your crush on any athlete or how good they look in “such and such” to yourself when in the presence of your man. Unless you want us to start singing the song “Cut Up” when Serena is playing, then don’t go there. Btw, for all of you ladies who were all about Mr. Micheal Vick aka Ron Mexico, I hope you wake up feeling like it’s a “brand new day”! If you don’t get it, then check the new Valtrex commercial and holla at me!

I know this one was long, but some readers wanted more so I hope this suffices, YASMIN! I don’t know what’s on tap for next week, but I promise to come at you hard!

HollaAtYaBoy!

TDRS-THE CASTING STONES EDITION

I think it was this guy named Jesus who said something to the effect of if “ye have not sinned, then cast the first stone”. I hate to “byte” on the Lord and Savior but this edition of TDRS will tackle this and then some. I’d like to say I am sorry for all of those who were thinking you were somehow left off the list last week. Let’s just say TDRS has been busy trying to become a homeowner and generate revenue for my employer. TDRS does work, for those of you who wonder how he finds the time to write these ridiculous rants. Also, thanks for all of the responses to the Bar Ettiquette Edition. It was a big hit…..My goal of being forwarded a TDRS from someone who doesn’t know I write them is not that far away. My partner in crime Jamal was approached by a brotha at a bar two weeks ago who told him he got this email from someone in L.A. that talked about bar position….I love it!

Anyway, I mentioned the whole Biblical quote b/c I thought it was a perfect segue into me going off on some of the crazy things I hear and see with respect to dating, relationships.

Dating and Relationships: Casting The First Stone
Okay I am sick and tired of being sick and tired with this whole dating and relationship stuff. If I hear one more chic say that there aren’t any black men out there because of the reasons discussed below, then I may just declare war! Btw, does anyone still play that card game?

“They don’t have a job”.
Okay let me differentiate something real quick here. Ladies, why sell yourself short with some dude who just has a job? Guys should not get a cookie for just having a job. Ladies, you need to find men who have Careers. There is a DIFFERENCE! Doctors and Lawyers are easy targets, but there are many other brothas out there who have CAREERS. When you’re out at the CLUB and you don’t want to give out your number, but you are interested in such guy, then ask for his BUSINESS CARD. An entrepreneur or corporate guy with a title will have one on him and if he doesn’t, then he may only have a JOB, which is not a bad thing! I’m just saying if you all are looking for that guy/dude who is going to be your sugardaddy or the purchaser of that 2.3 carat platinum setting princess cut ring, then I recommend the business card crowd or the brothas who deal with “straight cash”………I know I have used this Randy Moss quote to much, but it still cracks me up!

Now ladies, if all you have is a JOB, then don’t go hatin on brothas who don’t have one. People choose to have jobs. It isn’t that hard to find one. It may not pay well, but it is still a job. I mean doing table-tops for a living is a job and ANYBODY can get a job doing that! I may have to think about this one though b/c there are some “ballet dancers” that have skills that you just can’t coach (Next week’s subject line for TDRS btw).

What I am saying is that don’t be casting stones knowing full well that your sh#it is not really tight to begin with! Okay, I am not trying to hate or offend anyone out there but just because you have a job where:

(i) You say the words “welcome to” followed by some rich family’s last name with an apostrophe, or “how many are in your party”, or “thank-you and please come again”, then sweetheart you can’t cast the first stone.
(ii) Someone who graduated from ITT with an Associates degree makes the same thing you do and you have a bachelor or masters from what you think is some prestigious university. Yes you may have a job, but I’d be a little worried about the future, so no casting of stones for you.
(iii) Your employer probably single-handedly caused the country to get caller I.D. and Congress for that matter to introduce the Do Not Call List legislation. “I’d like to throw a stone at these people…If you haven’t figured out this profession, then do like Redman and “laugh now and figure the s#it out when you get home”.
(iv) When you file your taxes with H&R block, your Adjusted Gross Income is approximately equal to the $29.95 it costs H&R block to process your forms. Again if this is you then your shit isn’t that tight!
(v) You still need to sneak on a college campus to use the ATM that allows you to withdraw the $5 or $10 minimum. Those of us who attended FAMU were guilty of this back in the day. Wasn’t Capital City Bank the shiznit?

“He’s too short!”
Now if your name is Lisa Leslie, then I don’t really and truly understand this statement or need by some of you females. Yeah I’ve heard the reasons, but they are all the wrong ones:

(a) “I like to feel like he can pick me up”- Huh? Pick you up and do what? I mean all he needs to be able to do is (i) splak it, (ii) flip it and (iii) rub it down……ohh no! Quietly some of you DONT’t really need to be picked up! I am going to leave that one alone for now.

(b) “I feel safe”- I’m sorry but nine times out of ten, a black woman is not sticking around to see her 6-foot “man” win the battle. If I were you ladies, I’d value speed over height b/c in this day and age one needs to be able to dodge bullets, B Nichols, and OJ.

(c) “The Wedding & High Heels”- So you are going to let one measly ceremony that everyone will forget (and given the odds in this country will be for naught anyway b/c of an inevitable divorce), influence who you date?

(d) He’s probably “packin”- Interesting one here. Who started this? B/c evidently she has been with way to many guys to be able to make such a statistical inference. I mean for all of you studious ones out there who listened in Dr. Nkanzas quant class, did this woman who started this myth take a “sample” mean or a “population” mean. There is a difference ya know. I think you need at least 30 observations to have a true sample.

…yada yada yada. Well again Ladies, don’t be casting stones that you can’t catch when they are thrown back at you. Some females (notice how I said some for all of you sensitive types) get ticked when they hear guys say such things like “I like big breasts”, yet are the first ones to say I want a man that is at least 6’ tall. Watch yourselves ladies! You see, guys like things for what they are and not for what they “could” be. For instance:

(a) We like round (not big) butts b/c padding is so much better than bone. I mean you tell me, would you rather sit on a picnic table or a nice and soft lawn chair.
(b) We like lips because……..hmm should I….maybe not. All I got to say is that I use cable b/c the whole 1-year commitment some ladies look for with their “DSL” service is not market……Again, Laugh now and figure it out when you get home!
(c) We like big breasts b/c they look nice and are multi-functional. We don’t go hey she’s got some serious cans therefore she must be good in bed! This reminds me. All those ladies out there who equate height or anything for that matter that is not directly related to intercourse, to how good a man is in bed, please stop the madness. Guys don’t do such things. We wait until after we get it and then judge the performance. The difference is women EXPECT to be entertained/overwhelmed by the other party. Brothers, we look to entertain ourselves first with the other party, which 9 times out of 10, comes out okay. Ladies say things like “I bet he can make me feel real good”. Brother’s on the other hand feel good just to be playing. The worse sex for a brotha is NO SEX!

Now the only reason you should want a man over 6’ is purely for monetary reasons. I mean a man that can produce you a 7-footer is just as a good, if not better than a 5’-10 guy who is a pretty stable doctor. Now, if you are a female of the caucasion ilk, then producing a 7-footer is really money in the bank b/c every white guy over 7’ is going into the “Association” and for whatever reason never leaves. For all of those Hawks fans, lest not forget John Koncack.

“He’s got Kids”
Yeah this is a problem, but ladies don’t act like this is only affecting you. Remember, for every “baby-daddy”, there is another “baby-momma”. What’s worse is that when I go to the “ballet” in Atlanta all I see are the baby mommas in all of their stretch mark glory. I mean really, the shelf life on a baby momma is pretty short, especially the 2-time or 3-time defending champion b-mommas (can’t wait for the emails on this one). You ladies don’t have to compete against these women, but I have to compete against these men everyday. Y’all love:

Boris (baby daddy),
Usher (confessing that he was almost a baby-daddy),
Lebron (the baby daddy poster boy…..I’d really like to meet the b-momma, b/c she maybe one of the smartest females in the game right now) and
Mike Vick (allegedly passing out STD’s like they were a 5 yard out pattern). I can keep going……

It’s funny but b-daddy’s are hot right now. They get cool points for taking care of their kids and being there for them. B-daddy’s today are like certified pre-owned cars to some women out there. Their value is slightly depreciated by the wear and tear of a baby momma, but is cheaper and actually less risky than a new brotha who is just one super old lifestyle condom away from being the newest baby daddy on the block.

Club Observations/Rants- The Compound
So T-Dog (Terrance Davis) and I made our once/week trek to check out the club scene in Atlanta. Because we are cheap, we decided to go to the Compound b/c you get in free with a flyer before midnight. It’s amazing how much money you save by not paying a cover. Here are some things that I just had to comment on from my Friday night experience. I have decided that:

(i) DJ’s are grossly overrated. As I’ve said in a previous TDRS, “Why should I pay a cover, when there is no cover band!” Unless the DJ is Quest Love (of The Roots fame) or DJ Kiiiiiiiid Capri, then don’t waste time putting someone else’s name on the flyer or even trying to charge me for it. I actually caught myself humming the song that the DJ was queing up to play next. I shouldn’t be doing that. There should be some element of surprise when you are at the club. Where is the creativity? I knew that dude Quest Love was creative when he spun Nirvanna- “Smells Like Teen Spirit” right after Frankie Beverly! The crowd went nuts!
(ii) People who walk around the club with corona beer bottles, yet the substance inside looks like “Red” flavored Kool-laid, should be added to the “You know your ghetto when” list.
(iii) If you were a hit in the 80’s and you were only a hit because you only had one hit, then you shouldn’t try to make a comeback. All I got to say is that Jody Whately performed at the Compound last week and I was a bit scared………the sound system screwed up, so she decided to sing accapella.
(iv) Clubs/promoters who put orange cones on public streets (and not just the streets closest to the club but a ¼ mile down the road) on Friday/Saturday nights with the intention of trying to charge me to park there should be closed or burned down!
(v) Multiple bathrooms are appreciated more in a club than 27 inch plasma tv’s everywhere.
(vi) Women everywhere truly go to the club to dance and go home.
(vii) Guys in Atlanta truly go to the club to dance and go home.
(viii) Buying a drink at last call is really a waste of money.
(ix) The women at the club don’t even come close to looking as good as the women featured on the flyers for the parties.
(x) Being padded down and walking through a metal detection system as if I am (i) boarding Delta, (ii) visiting the White House, or (ii) walking into Atlanta City hall with a Brian Nichols for Sheriff T-Shirt, before I get in a club should be somewhat disturbing.

Well Kid’s that’s about 2000 words and I really got to go and put an offer down for a new crib. Let me just go ahead and pump the hollatyaboys.com/TDRS Housewarming party, which will likely take place in Spring 2006 (This will be the 10 year anniversary of one of the best titled Kappa Luaus (and no I am not a greek)….”The Big Lic For 96”. I think Big Boi from Outkast should get the credit for the saying since he was referring to the 96 Olympics in ATL on the Southernplayalistic album.

Many of you have suggested that these rants and raves be posted on a blog and we have been working on it. In fact, you will be able to read some old school classics by none other than Mr Jackson, E Fountain, L.G. Tate and of course, yours truly. Jamiz Jackson is the architect for holleratyaboys.com, so look out for the link coming soon!

Holla At YA Boy!