TDRS-THE THREE STRIKE RULE EDITION

Once Again it’s on! YaBoy is coming at you “east coast, west coast, and worldwide” straight chopped up and screwed in this edition. Yeah I said world b/c TDRS is now worldwide by way of Cairo, Egypt. Mitch Hopson (my Shanghai roll dog and the self proclaimed “I just know Rico and Jamal” homeboy) is in Cairo Egypt reading the gospel of TDRS! Much love to the new readers (Nicole, Latesa, Ijeoma) and to those loyal readers who keep replying to a brotha and forwarding this ridiculousness to others. Special shout out to LG Tate who shoots these to readers of his critically acclaimed “Air Up There” Column. I’d also like to send a shout out to Ava D. who should have been credited with the Ron Mexico/Valtrex joke. Also, to all those Chi-town natives who were upset about the rip on your city, TDRS says check the following verse: “Keep a O we burnin slow, we optimo, y'all swisher sweetsAnd don't compete, I'm too unique, sit back be quiet when TDRS speaks”…..Pastor Troy-No Play In G.A. Mailbag: Here are a few responses from the “You Can’t Coach That Edition”:

All right there, playa, all right! You know you’re my boy, ‘cause that Mike Jones thing just HAD to be a throw out to me! I’m Mike Jones, (who?), Mike Jones – keep it strong for the Southern fellas!..M Nadhiri

· I have to tell you that I have been cracking up in my office reading this edition. I can barely bill any hours due to me laughing so much. Just wanted to say that this made my week, which has been a long, rough and hard one. Very entertaining! Keep them comin'! …L Bailey
· Thanks for adding me to your list. Your material is hilarious! I would like for you to send me the rating scale, because I keep hearing about it (and honestly, I would like to rate myself!) By the way, I don't get offended by your emails because most of it is true, its just a matter of it applies to you or not. The "he's too short" edition really hit home because I dated a short man (he was shorter than me) for a long time. I keep asking myself "How does he know that?" You are by far the funniest man I have ever met! When I tell my friends about your emails, I equate it to what Carrie's column would have said in Sex in the City if you could have read it. Ok, so... please send me the rating scale and don't stop writing! P.S. I now say "straight cash homey" to people when its appropriate and I crack up every time. Thanks! Oh and your allusions to rap songs by BBD, Mike Jones, and Little Jon are so funny…I. Keke

· As you can tell this TDRS, must have ranked up there to trigger a longer response from me than normal... A-game.... I am in shock that you said that I wasn't matching... I feel reprimanded when I didn't do anything wrong... I read the part about wearing a hat to the club and didn't feel like a "hit dog" then I scroll down and you called me out... Hot DAMn!!! I was very cute (and this is a universal cute, btw) in the club and was getting much play from the market... so WHAT THE HELL!!! And I was matching and looking simply adorable... (you even said so!!!) I am hurt Mr. TDRS (where is My Ric!) …THE END (as I lean back in my chair and do my spoiled bratt arm folding) …….S. Davis

What up, Ric! You are a Fool. I definitely enjoyed this edition of TDRS you have redeemed yourself from the quickie! Or in the spirit of this week's TDRS - dare I say you brought your A game and took me there! Oh my, when you come you really do come hard! Ha, ha. Try not to slip up again, pimp'in. You know sistas have a 3 strike rule - we'll have to discuss this one further the next time I see you in the streets! :-) ……Yasmin

……So I just sent out the A-Game Edition and for some reason I feel pressure to begin work on a new edition today (Thursday April 14). It could be b/c of my new sidekick Yasmin’s reply of how women have a three-strike rule and how in her book I already got one strike (the Casting Stones edition wasn’t long enough). I have heard this whole three-strike rule before and it is very intriguing. I mean if fool me once is shame on you and fool me twice is shame on me, then what is fool me three times? I guess it’s a STRIKEOUT?

This whole three strikes thing is of course affiliated with baseball. I love baseball. As I alluded to in the last edition, I should be making millions right now and it would have been b/c of what we call our national pastime. I am not going to brag on myself, but I really believe God gave me the talent to play baseball. I was awesome and I mean awesome back in the day. However, b/c I slipped up once (I got a D on a project) my dad kept me out of baseball for a season. One measly project! Not a D for the class or a D on a test, but a D on a fuc$kin project.

Clearly, Yasmin’s point about the three strikes has stirred some suppressed feelings. You see growing up my dad basically lived by a modified strike rule, the two-strike rule. In my parents twisted logic, the fact that you were forewarned about a potential slip-up counted as strike one and the actual slipup was a strike out. As I have aged, I now really admire their logic and it really does make sense.

Okay, let me state my opinion real quick. Ladies and Gentlemen the Three Strike Rule needs to go. Not just in dating and relationships but in the criminal justice system too. I have heard all of the reasons why the California three-strike rule isn’t fair, but someone needs to talk about how it is TOO FAIR. Yeah I know about the whole cost to taxpayers and I agree the jails are overcrowded with petty crime and non-violent offenders! But, these people are still OFFENDERS! Here is my logic: If said offender breaks into my car and steals it or the contents inside, then who pays for it? Yeah, I got insurance but don’t act like my premiums aren’t going to go up after filing a claim. Let’s just say the total damage to my car is X dollars. If my portion of the total bill to keep this OFFENDER in jail is equal to or even double my damages, I believe I come out even. Keeping an OFFENDER in jail is really like CAR insurance, if not better. By paying taxes for jails, I am ensuring that said criminal is unable to touch my vehicle or any of my personal possessions! Sorry guys, but when you have been victim to a number of break-ins, one tends to be a bit bitter. AND I AM!

My beef is not just with criminals it’s with the fact that sports (which is not real life, but entertainment) filters a bit too much into everyday real life (i.e. giving criminals or wack dudes three chances). If you really think sports is real then I say you got a problem b/c some of these guys are getting away with murder, LITERALLY and this is not a swipe at OJ! Anyway, today will not be discussion of the criminal justice system. I am going to stick to what I don’t really know that well, but can easily make fun of, the dating and relationship game.

Baseball Game
Sorry, but the long introduction was meant to be an easy transition into the meat of today’s TDRS. I thought it would be worthwhile to discuss the parallels of dating/club life and baseball given that the month of April means a new season is underway. I’m such a hypocrite huh? I go on a rampage about everyday life and sports and then proceed to talk about baseball and dating. I love it!

The Pitcher and Catcher
In my first week of work at my previous employer in San Francisco, the in-house lawyer and managing director asked me a very simple question: Rico are you a pitcher or are you a catcher? This totally caught me off guard and I really had no idea what their angle was with the question. After careful thought, I basically said that I was a pitcher and they seemed pleased.

Fellas, in the streets we should ALL be pitchers and only pitchers. Pitchers determine which pitch to throw, not the catcher, not even the manager. Now I could easily make this a discussion about men as pitchers and ladies as catchers, but I aint going there. In some circles, catchers (and ladies you can you use your imagination here) are supposed to catch balls! Anyway, this will be somewhat of a gender-neutral discussion, so I am not going to get on the ladies today…yeah right, y’all know better!!!

I repeat, Fellas we need to be the pitchers, because if you “bitch” out and become a catcher you are in a world of trouble. The following is list of pitches that the ladies throw and how to hit them.

A) The Fastball
Technical Definition: They throw something at you so fast that reaction time is usually delayed causing one to miss. There is no trickery in this pitch. It’s usually thrown straight down the middle of the plate, just really fast.

Street Example: They hit you with the “so you can sleep with me, but can’t be my boyfriend” line. This is a straight question or comment by a concerned female. There is no better way (in their minds) to ask what’s up with the relationship and where it is going. Brothas miss every time (and I have a few times myself) on this one b/c we try to lie and say some bullshi#t like “naw its not like that, when in REALITY it IS like that. Here are a few more fastball pitches:

1. After only one date, she tells you out of the blue that she really LIKES you.
2. She asks you to attend ANY wedding or Christmas party with her after no more than 3 dates.
3. She invites you to church……during FOOTBALL season! I know I’m going to a place full of scotch tape, cardboard boxes, and u-haul trucks for that. “ I love the Lord, I say I love the Lord. He helped Joshua climb the walls of Jericho, he helped Daniel out of the Lions pit, and he helped “GILLIGAN…get off that island.
4. She asks you to meet her father……after only two or three dates.
5. She starts buying you condoms. Fellas, as I said in a 2004 TDRS you should watch this b/c it is her attempt to monitor your supply. Think about it, women can count and if they know how many condoms you have in beginning inventory plus what they purchased and two weeks later they see what you have in ending inventory, they can easily figure out your “Cost of Goods Sold” or what you have used. That said either (a) don’t let her know where they are or (b) keep a super large supply, so they can’t keep a count!
6. She says anything that remotely sounds like “I want you to fu#ck me”. This isn’t a bad thing at all but it always throws a brotha off the first time.
7. She cries in front of you. Let me just say that THERE IS NO CRYING IN BASEBALL!

How to hit this Pitch: Ironically, the best way to hit this pitch is to BE HONEST (Thank-you Steph T). The only way to hit a fastball is to swing early and not late. Brothas need to have some bat speed and come back at them with a good cut (swing for the clueless). In reference to the first street example, Fellas should just say “yes, I enjoy your company, but I AM NOT TRYING TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP! Now she may take this as if you don’t really want her, which just might be true. Okay it IS true. It’s up to her if she wants to make another pitch. The guy really wins either way in this situation b/c (i) they either get some “no strings attached booty”, which is the equivalent to a fastball that is right down the middle of the plate or (ii) they save themselves from all the drama of dealing with a scorned chic! BTW fellas, there is really no such thing as unattached booty! Don’t be a fool.

B) The Curve Ball
Technical Definition: They throw something that appears to be easy to hit but at the opportune moment, the ball dives or breaks in a downward motion.

Street Example: You’re out at the club and you think you see the one, a URS-8 that you can take to any event and feel like a champ. Everything seems to be going fine until that first sleep over. See before the sleepover (which if you’re a true playa happens within days), you only saw her at her VERY BEST a few times. Before you know it:

(i) That picture perfect skin was nothing more than some great cover up,
(ii) That long hair (for those who like it long) was nothing more than a weave that she is growing tired of and is heaven forbid contemplating cutting it to a point where she is rocking more waves than you and trying to borrow your brush and/or wave cap,
(iii) Those breasts that you thought were going to be put in your mouth like your name was Akinyele were nothing more than a wonder bra that paid for itself 3x over after fooling you!
(iv) You hook her up with a ride downtown and she doesn’t give you a ride back up Uptown. I aint even gonna start on this one.

How to hit this Pitch: Curve ball pitches and pitchers are really hard to hit. The key to hitting this pitch is to be PATIENT. Basically, don’t go swinging at the first thing you see on them streets. I know its hard, but there are some really good curve ball pitchers out there and they strike out a many a brothers. Now that I think about it, many ladies are curve ball pitchers. The throw shit at us just to see if we can at least foul tip. They can’t just loft one up for you to hit, b/c that would be too easy. They want you to earn that hit or trip to 1st base or for the true playas the “home run”.

Curveball pitchers like to run the count full (3 balls and 2 strikes). They do this to make a batter think a fastball is coming, but oh contraire, they hit you with a nasty curve ball and you end up striking out looking. For those new to baseball, to strikeout looking (i.e. w/o swinging) is just unacceptable.

Anyway, fellas you gotta know that on them streets the only pitch you are really going to get is a curveball, so beware. Now as is the case in baseball, a pitcher will occasionally throw a “hanging” curve that is basically a home run pitch served on a platter. No, a hanging curve is not intentional, it’s a mistake made by an overzealous pitcher. Women throw some hanging curves quite often and of course you know YaBoy is going to name a few. Here is a list of some hanging curve balls:

1. She drinks one more glass of wine on a date than she otherwise would if she was with her girls. I know some ladies do this intentionally (to give them an excuse as to why they slept with him on the night in question), so I’m willing to take this off the board if I get a bunch of emails saying that this is the case.
2. Every time you call, she picks up the phone.
3. You never return her calls, yet she calls you as if you did.
4. Prior to getting introduced, you never really saw her out, but after the introduction, you just happen to bump into her everywhere. If this happens way too often, you definitely have a stalker on your hands.
5. She does any of the following: (i) remembers your b-day and/or (ii) buys you a nice gift, after only DATING her for one week.
6. She gives you a hug every time she sees you, yet she isn’t your sister, cousin, ex-girlfriend or female friend that you’ve know for more than a year.
7. While you are taking a shower, she walks into your bathroom for anything.
8. She buys your best friend gifts (tickets for the Roots, housewarming presents, Star-Wars calendars, etc). Jamal you’re welcome and Fountain what ever became of the star wars calendar?

C) The Split Finger Fast Ball
Technical Definition: The split finger is like a fastball that’s not meant to be hit. The secret to the split finger is that there is some trickery involved. Split fingers are usually wild pitches, mostly ending up in the dirt.
Street Example: The classic split finger is the three-word kiss of death, I LOVE YOU. Like the fastball, it comes at a brother pretty fast and we almost always strike out. There is no upside to this pitch it only goes from good to bad. Ladies think hard before they make this pitch. They really only want to see how you react, NOT how you respond!
How to hit this Pitch: There is no hitting this pitch so just don’t swing. The biggest mistake is actually saying I love you back, especially if you don’t mean it. The best comeback to this is to do what the ladies do when they are encountered with the same situation. Just say something like “that’s so sweet” or “I’m flattered” or my favorite “you are just too good to be true” and just leave it at THAT! Here is another classic split finger pitch:

You are about to go H-town and “knock some boots” for the very first time and she says to you “Let’s make love”. I mean what do you do in this situation? I can understand if this is the first time after waiting for two years, but for the average brotha on dem streets (3rd or 4th…okay 6th or 7th date), this is a bit much. Ladies, we don’t have a problem with the term, we’d just like to wait until the honeymoon or when we are actually trying to go “half on a baby”. On the real, we are just trying to “beat that P _ _ _Y up”. Speaking of, the Ying Yang Twins’ new song (the Whisper song, which is HOT) brings me to a question. If you listen to the lyrics of this song, the Twins imply that once you see their, uhm “extremity” (which I am guessing they mean one that’s quite massive) that you are going to let them beat “it” up. Is this true? B/C if it is, then I will be using this going forward when I am on them streets!

Holding The Runner
Technical Definition: There is a man on first base and a batter in the box. The Pitcher, thinking the guy on first base is going to steal second base makes a throw at first to keep him honest.
Street Example: As I’ve said in previous editions, LADIES are straight up pimps and they try to keep it on the DL. Ladies are the kings of holding runners. Basically they go out with one dude and give him the impression that there could be something and therefore let him get to first base. The problem is she starts with another batter, but forgets she has a brother on first base. Exacerbating the issue is the fact that the guy on first is trying to score as quickly as possible and is willing to steal a base or two to get there. Ladies if you kiss a guy before you really want to or he’s holding your hand at the mall way to quickly, then HE stole second base.

Anyway, ladies feel the pressure of the guy on first, so to keep him from “leaning” (i.e. a guy is trying to get a jump on second base) they throw something at first base like the following:

1. When asked on a second date, she says “I’m going to hang out with one of my guy friends tonight”. This is a great one b/c the guy doesn’t really know what this means. We ask ourselves why she would hang with another guy (someone she could hang out with anytime) and not me. She knows you are going to think something is up with this friend and that you wouldn’t dare try to steal knowing you could get thrown out quickly. I guess Biz Markie has been stranded on first base for years now.
2. They intentionally don’t bring their A-Game. My Dad coins this the “wearing a broken down white T-shirt to bed move”. Basically, when she’s on the hunt, she is always bringing the A-game. You know, wearing the nice Vicky Secret underwear and wrapping the hair in a nice silk scarf. Once she has what she wants, she reverts back to the mean (C+ game) and you are sitting there spooning some chic that looks like she just came home from trick or treating in a Casper the ghost costume.
3. They talk constantly about how their girls are getting married and having children. This might cause a brother to fake an injury and request a pinch runner, so watch it ladies.
4. I’m thinking about or am practicing celibacy. Again, this is a risky move, but pretty effective at keeping a guy from trying to move to second base. A lot of guys will fake an injury here too, but if she’s an 8 or above, he’ll stay on first base b/c he knows that when (if is for losers) he does score it’s probably going to be pretty good.
5. On a random trip to the grocery store (this assumes the 3rd or 4th date and no sex), she picks up a box of tampons and throws them in your shopping cart. Ladies if you haven’t tried this then add it to your list b/c this is a highly effective way to keep that eager guy on first base in check.

Now before my ladies start shooting emails talking about brothers holding runners, just sit and listen: Brothers don’t hold runners. We do the exact opposite. We want the bases loaded at all times. Our goal is to score as many runs as possible! So now that springtime is upon us let’s get on them streets and PLAY BALL!

And with that I’m Gone

HollaAtYaBoy!