TDRS-THE D/L COMING OUT EDITION

What up folk! It’s Ya Boy and I’m coming at you like a Roger Clemens fastball, straight to the head. Speaking of baseball, I’d like to send a special thanks to all those who hit me back on the Baseball Edition. It was another smash hit, no pun intended. Anyways, I have to say the pimps, my ladies, had much to say and some of their comments/questions are detailed below along with remarks from TDRS. Oh yeah a big shout out to all the new readers out there (B. Holcomb, M. Thames, J Knox, M. Graves-the one I let get away, J Reid, Altheia, and my new homie craven morebrew). Holla!

Mailbag:

Ric,
I must say that the Pitchers and Catchers edition of TDRS is my favorite to date...mainly b/c it is the one that I can identify with the most. ……….Alright now my question has to do with the "holding the runner" move of "wrapping the hair in a nice silk scarf." I'm always puzzled by this. What is a girl that wants to "come with her A game" -as you put it- to do? I have two choices: (a) I can go to bed with no scarf, look and feel sexy, and then wake up looking a hot damn mess for the next day, or I can (b) wrap my hair, not feel too sexy when (if it is for losers) somebody tries to start something, but still be alright the next day. So you see the dilemma we are facing. I'm interested in hearing your expert opinion……..I. Holmes

My friend there is a very simple solution. Go to bed looking sexy, option A so that you will be guaranteed some action (if not you know where I live). As my boy J Jackson would say, “put it on him” and knock him out, then get up and wrap the hair up. Problem solved. Holla!
These joints is really worldwide now. I forward them out to Shanghai!!! ……J Reid Once again I ask myself, "How does he know that?"….I. Keke
Your "bar etiquette" is so true. I could tell that you had it down to an art whenwe were at Django, and that was shortly after I first met you! When I walked in the packed house and saw you and Terrance propped up at prime location, I thought "How in the hell did they get such a good spot.They are pros." Guess you all brought your A-game……N Kimes

Designated Hitters
Technical Definition: A player designated at the start of a game to bat instead of the pitcher in the lineup.

Street Example: A lot of times, we ladies meet men who have excellent pedigree (and Lord knows I'm a sucker for pedigree), but for whatever reasons, he can't get it. Let's call him the pitcher. Typically, we know that the pitcher will never make it to home plate for a chance to bat within, oh, say 10 minutes of meeting/talking with him. Yet, we know that he is an excellent addition to the team for various intellectual and/or superficial reasons that I won't go into right now. Suffice it to say, we want to keep him on the team.

What to do?
The strategy is to employ a designated hitter, and oddly enough, it falls in line with "Holding The Runner" in this edition. In this way, the Pitcher gets the pleasure and all of the benefits of playing for the Lady's team, while sparing him the awful embarrassment of having to perform as a hitter (since we've already figured out that he can't get it). Occasionally, a pitcher is allowed to step up to the plate and swing. If he knocks the ball out of the park the 1st time, he can be assured that the designated hitter will either (a) be traded to another team or (b) only step up to the plate every once in a while going forward. Of course, option a is preferred. However, if he only garners a base hit, the designated hitter's position is secured and the pitcher will either (a) be returned to the line up or (b) traded to another team. The quality of his pitching determines which is preferable………E Troupe
It warms my heart knowing you're spreading the "Just Be Honest" Gospel to the rest of the world :)……Steph T.

Ah, TDRS all I can say is that thanks to your witty banter I have a new found appreciation for "America's Favorite" Past time! Heck by the time you are done, I may be watching back to back episodes of Sports Center! (da da dum da da dum)

Now on another note, I have a request well not really a request it's more like a PSA for the single women of Atlanta. Check it a bunch of us were having a discission about various things we have seen men in Atlanta either do, have on hand at the crib or places that they go - that sparked the following question....Metrosexual or Bia Tendency? As you very well know being a single black women living in Atlanta aka the San Fran of the South East I think this topic warrants your discussion. I realize that this topic may be a little sensitive but seriously as single females we need to be able to distinguish between when to give a brotha a pass for practicing new age metrosexualism vs giving them points toward DL credit. Believe me Sista's here are definitely looking at every black man in Atlanta and keeping a score card! In case you are a little confused by the types of things we are talking about here are some examples:

-Brothas that use Pantene Pro V shampoo (now at first glance my inclination is to give the brotha DL credit but upon talking to some other sisters and brothas I've found that quite a few brothas use shampoos like Pantene).

-Brothas that keep wine at the crib and drink it to unwind after work (Now I feel bad that I have to use the race card on this one 'cause if this was a white guy I wouldn't have even given this a second thought but when a brotha is unwinding with a bottle of Chardonnay or Merlot instead of Heinie's or Yak the sirens start to sound!!!).

-Brothas who use body washes like Oil of Olay, etc. instead of bar soap (Again, it's sad to say in this day and age that a brothas choice of soap draws speculation about their sexual preference!!!! But having surveyed many brothas and sisters this too seems to be a popular trend!!!) ……..Yasmine


Let’s Kick The Ballistics
So I was banging my head last week again wondering what the heck I was going to hit you with this week and boom, I get that last email from my girl Yas concerning this whole “Down Low” thing. Yas had a few things to say about brothers on the DL and I understand her concerns. HOWEVER, TDRS has a few things to say about the DL and I just got’s to let you know my thoughts………

First of all I have to pull Oprah’s “Harriet Tubman” card for sending brothers back a couple of years as opposed to forward. I guess she thought it was cool to uncover the modern “underground railroad” that a SMALL number of black men are using today. Just when we were getting hot again, (Ricky Martin sent the Latinos back a few years allowing us to make a strong comeback) Oprah comes out with her DL show, which was followed up by an episode on Law & Order SVU on the same topic. And then MTV has the nerve to put an otherwise ordinary looking brother on THE REAL WORLD, who turned out to be a PUNK (I don’t use this word often but if you watched any episode you can clearly see that my characterization of him fits perfectly). Even worse, this cat attended (of course he didn’t graduate) the, as my boy G Tate so eloquently says, “The Florida Normal College for Negroes”, my beloved FAMU. For those rattlers out there, I guess he resided on the sixth floor of Gibbs Hall huh? Compounding all of this was ole boy’s book, something titled “On the Down Low: Straight Men who sleep with other Men”. Absolutely ridiculous! TDRS says:

If you are a man choosing to sleep with another man, then guess what? YOU ARE Straight Up GAY! I am not a Gay basher or homophobe, I am just telling you what you are. You are still a human being and all that, but I have to pull your MAN card!

Oh yeah, I am still pissed that everyone got pissed at the late NFL Great-Reggie White, when he said you can’t compare the gay/lesbian struggle to the black civil rights struggle in the 60s. Last time I checked unless a gay/lesbian opened their mouth and said what their “sexual orientation’ was, NO ONE WOULD KNOW. Everyday that I, or any of the many black and/or female readers of TDRS go to work EVERYONE knows WHAT WE ARE AND THERE IS NO HIDING THAT FACT! We can’t keep it on the Down Low even if we tried.

If you are a Woman sleeping with another Woman (automatic 1.5 point upgrade on the Universal Ratings Scale) then “give me your number, I’ll call and me and the boy’s will follow you and your girl to the mall”….”….To the mall”.

R. Kelly was right when he released his infamous “Keep it on the down low” track a few years ago. I, for one, would rather these bia’s keep their business on the down low. These brothers DO need to let their partners (male or female)“know”, but I frankly don’t care or need to know! Don’t ask, Don’t Tell was absolutely brilliant!

Moreover, I’d like to say that I am “pissed to the highest of pisstivity” at these reports of ladies not knowing that a brotha was on the D/L. How many “bias” can there be out there? I’m sorry, but every time I go out in Atlanta there is enough “meat” in the clubs/bars to take Jimmy Dean, Tyson, and Purdue Chicken out of business. TDRS just doesn’t get it. Ludacris clearly doesn’t get it either as evidenced by his classic words of “Too many niggas, not enough hoes” on the “Game Got Switched” track.

I was going to try to come up with ways that women can spot a “bia” in this TDRS, but you know what I can’t and I’m really happy that I can’t. I lived in the “hottest” city in the country or the world for that matter, San Francisco, and I honestly didn’t learn anything about “bias” out there. Now I’m in what some people call the Black San Fran, Atlanta GA and I still haven’t learned anything here either. I tell you what though. I do know how to be a straight up brotha, no pun intended here and I can talk about this for days.

The past few columns have been totally geared towards the ladies, but it’s time to, as Chris Rock says, “To Keep it Real” in this edition. It’s time for brothas to “Come Out” and show our true colors, “the red, the black and the green, you sissies”. H.G-Tate, they don’t feel me on that X-clan verse do they?

“Go on and Be a Dog, Dog” You wanna be treated right, see father mc Or check ralph tresvant, for sens-a-tiv-i-ty See I am not the one, I got more game than parker brothersPhife dog is on the mic and I’m smooth like butter . . .

Fellas, for whatever reason, we have been too nice and let our guard down with these ladies and the repercussions have been straight up serious. Oprah is “hatin” on us. The Media is “hatin” on us and our black women are just confused by us right now. The following is a multi-step guide to resolve this confusion. Ladies if you read this and say to yourselves, this happens to me all the time, then rest assured you are dealing with some straight up brothas and not a “BIA”.

Remember your ABC’s. “Always Be Closing”
1.If she’s cute (sorry a 7 or above) try to cut it.
2.If she’s got a man, try to cut it anyway. “If she’s married then I wouldn’t go there”. Trying to sleep with a woman who has a boyfriend, however, is not breaking a “Commandment”. And Eb, I don’t have any vendettas against anyone…Ha!
3.If she says she’s not interested try to cut one of her friends.
4.If her friends aren’t interested try to cut one of her friends’ friends.
5.Once you cut one of the friends’ friends, then go back and try to get with her again. Quietly you’ll probably have better luck on the second time around. Remember how Dewayne was all crazy for Denise on the 1st season of A Different World? Instead of continuing to cry over Denise, he went for one her girls and he hit the jackpot with Whitley.
5.If you’re married or in a relationship then every time your girl walks around you please grab her a$$.
6.If she’s a friend, always let it be known that you would cut her at a drop of dime. For all of my female friends out there, I shouldn’t have to say this, but you would ALL get it and twice on Sunday, once after the morning service and again right after or before the 11 o’clock service. Btw, I’ve got to say that I have some pretty nice looking female friends. Is it luck or is it strategy? I’ll let ya’ll marinate on that one.
7.Dance with all of your female friends at least once, especially when they’ve had a couple of “non” fruity drinks. Use this as an opportunity to grab that a$$ and everything else that you can. The best song to do this to is “Scrub da Ground” by them boys from “Palm Beach Co, one stop from the bottom”, Splak Pak! Pronounced “splike pike” for you non-booty listeners out there.
8.Every morning she should wake up to some hard throbbing object strategically placed on her “beautiful brown round”. Sorry I got some “high” yellow and “low” black ladies (see the Monday night video edition) on this list, so” brown” round can be replaced with whatever you are.
9.If she’s not trying to give it up, then leave her. I know this sounds harsh but fellas this doesn’t mean she aint giving it up, it REALLY means she doesn’t want to give it up to you. Take what you can get and worry about the stuff you got to work for later.

Don’t fall for the “what would a good guy do” bull. “She finally played me, but yo, I’d find another Cause I got the crazy game and yo, I’m smooth like butter”…Fife Dog!

I don’t know if it is b/c of Hollywood or what, but as I said in the “Stupid Things Women Say” edition, “Nice guys don’t finish last, THEY DON’T FINISH”! There are so many things men are doing out there that they think is all sweet and nice, and that they (ladies) care. Fellas they don’t care! They care about what that brotha who they decided they would fu$ck in the first five minutes of meeting him is doing. If she ain’t showing no love then move on and don’t be blowin up her phone every day. It’s okay to let her know that you have some crazy feelings but leave it at that. They know what they want. Am I bitter, you DAMN Right! “Bbbbbbbrrrr what happened to that boy” FOCUS ON WHAT YOU WANT AND THAT IS TO CUT! Don’t fall for the following things:

Letting her sleep in YOUR bed with you when you got a perfectly comfortable couch and extra blankets! Fellas, this is the first step in the wrong direction and ladies you should be ashamed of yourselves if you REALLY expect a man to do this. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Ladies, if you aren’t trying to give it up, then park you’re a$$ on the couch. Also, I’d like to go on record and say that “bia bia’s” just want to sit and snuggle!

Giving her back and/or foot massages for free. Been there and got the t-shirt on this one. Fellas, I got a new rule to follow: If she asks for a massage, then say the going rate is for her to get butt, Bunkie a$$ naked and the towel is to be left in the linen closet. You may not cut, but you’ll be able to see the goods and “feel” her up like Ray Charles on the piano. If she refuses this request, then she really didn’t want a massage anyway, she just wanted to “BITCH” you out. BTW, there is a certain reader out there and you know who you are, that has something of mine and I want it back, my North Carolina sweater! E. Fountain please get off the floor and stop laughing right now.

Going shopping with her. Too many ni$$as out here cowards They be saving dem hoes they be paying them hoes But a ni$$a like me can not go I’m be kickin in doos I be fu$kin dese hoes I be slamin em down like dominoes Bi$ch you didn’t know it’s cb bro In and out dese hoes does like pole….Project Pat

Could be just me, but shopping with a female sucks because all they do is SHOP! Fellas, we purchase and we leave the mall with something. Ladies are content just trying on shoes and clothes and leaving empty handed. Don’t think her taking you shopping is not a big deal, b/c it IS. You can really make or break yourself during this outing. After going through this insane experience a number of times, I’ve figured out that it pays to NOT be the nice guy that just sits there in the “man” chair and say things like “yeah that looks good” and “you should try on this and that”. Remember you are a brotha, so act like one and not one of her girlfriends who she could easily go shopping with. She will get mad at you and might even try to withhold the goodies like her name was FICA, but stay strong. If she withheld too much from you, I guarantee you’ll get some type of refund at some point! This will be discussed in more detail in the NFL Draft Edition coming soon. Ladies if you have a man that really enjoys “shopping” with you and is suggesting outfits like his last name was Versace, then I’d really question if you got a man or a bia bia.

This really hit home when T Dog, L-Boogie, E Troupe, and I went to Nava yesterday (after being straight up negroes by dranking wine at some grand opening of these expensive a$$ Buckhead condos that were starting at @ $250/ft and knowing full well we weren’t trying to buy). Anyway, I think L. Boogie was pulling out her purse and I noticed w/o even seeing a label that is was Kate Spade. Why do I know this? It’s b/c I have done the nice guy thing and went solo into a Kate Spade store to buy a really nice gift for a young woman who was secretly trying to “train” or “bia” me out. Was she successful? Let’s just say Ric is single right now and accepting applications!

Hooking a certified URS 8 and above up with another brotha. Unless you are
married or a “bia bia” then keep all the marbles to yourself. Be greedy fellas! Stack as many chips as you can and use them at your discretion. Any dude that is always hooking his boys or random guys up with dimes and he doesn’t have a dime himself is SUSPECT! This is the equivalent of IBM trying to sell me a computer and the sales rep uses a Dell to show me what the computer’s capabilities are.

An even better example is when Florida State brings their football recruits, not to FSU’s campus, but to FAMU’s McGuin-Diamond Hall. Sorry to all the non rattlers for all the FAMU blurbs, but I got one more thing to say. If you were part of the M-D 20/20 step show team from Spring 1993 ya’ll were legendary. Just as legendary as the following sorority lines: AKA-Spr. 95, and 97, and almost EVERY Delta line with a special, special dedication to that “Legends of the Fall” line! Holla at me!

Anyway, Ladies if your man is hooking his boys up with dimes (which means he has dime friends) and you are not one or close to it, I’d really start asking questions. Fellas, there is nothing wrong with hooking your boys up, just make sure you are taken care of first! Oh yeah, before someone says “he may have dime friends, but he doesn’t have what it takes to be with a dime, so he hooks up his boys”, I say get off of that “sticky icky”. Dimes only hang with dudes that are:

(i) no threat to try them
(ii) always there to answer their calls to talk about “other” dudes
(iii) willing to go and get pedicures and manicures with them (if you go with a girlfriend I think this is okay fellas)
(iv) does any of the aforementioned and has absolutely no plan of action on how to use this to their advantage. (This is the clincher point)

Now if a guy fits any of these point above and he hangs with a dime, even if he can’t “have” one, I SAY HE IS A BIA BIA!

Metro-sexuals versus Bia Bia’s
Ok you all asked for it and TDRS needs to definitely set the record straight. I’m not one to shy away from being called out so here I go. If you want to put TDRS in a category then I suppose you can call me a metro-sexual. If a metro-sexual is a guy that:

1.Goes to the dentist to make sure his teeth remain in his mouth.
2.Has some sort of art gracing his walls that could actually appreciate in value one day, further fattening his pockets. Jamal, I’ll give you 100 bucks for that Sade portrait.
3.Uses facial cleanser to prevent oneself from doing paid t.v. ads for pro-activ
4.Chooses to live in the most urban areas (the marina, buckhead, midtown, deep elum, etc) of major metropolitan cities
5.Can cook a nice meal and a number of desserts from scratch. Let me just say there is nothing like the look on a female’s face the first time you “from scratch” bake her a cake or anything for that matter.
6.Has a stash of two or three wines in the kitchen. Ladies you should be scared of these brothas b/c (we) these brothas have a plan and that is to mistakenly find a pair of your draws in (our) his laundry the next week. Oh yeah TDRS and his boys keep a BAR and if any of you ladies (ones who want to get down) want to come over (at your own risk, of course) to check it out then please swing by 2479 Peachtree Rd.
7.Washes his hair with actual hair shampoo as opposed to (i) soap (irish spring, dial, or heaven forbid the Winn Dixie private label brand), (ii) plain water or (iii) not washing his hair at all, then YES I AM a Metro-Sexual.

HollaAtYaBoy!