TDRS-THE MONDAY NIGHT VIDEO RANT

So my favorite columnist these days, besides my boy Eric Fountain (“The Rattlesnake”) who is a fellow contributor to the HollaAtYaBoys blog site (coming soon) is Bill Simmons from page 2 on ESPN.com. During the NCAA tournament Bill did a running column of the games and random events with his boys. Well I am going to be like the Japanese and take his idea and make it better. I’d like to be the first man in history to write a running column of my night of watching videos on MTV Jams (MTV J), MTV 2, VH1 Soul, and BET Hip Hop (“Bet HH”). This is going to require some serious typing speed, but I think I can do it. Some of you don’t watch videos, so this might not mean much to you. However, for those of you who watch videos to either (a) feel black again (as I had to do in San Fran for years b/c I saw maybe one or two "folks" a day) or (b) catch up on the hottest tunes (b/c program radio stinks!), then you will hopefully read this and better understand my random life.

I’m starting with BET Hip Hop, channel 276 for those who enjoy spending $100 bucks a month for the platinum package through Comcast. Let me just say Comcast is getting away with murder. If there was ever a situation where Anti Trust regulations failed, it was in the cable industry! These cocky bastards at Comcast even tried to acquire Disney last year! Anyway…….”Is that yo Chic” with Memphis Bleek and Missy is on BET HH.
1. Okay, how many people have been burned by a Memphis bleek album?
2. Black Rob-“Whoa” just followed the Memph Bleek video….
3. Absolutely ridiculous song. This song was THE headbanger for 1999-2000.
4. Where is Black Rob anyway?
5. Did anyone buy the Black Rob album?
6. What’s up with Puffy and this semi truck in the video? Speaking of, that Pespi commercial during the Superbowl with Carson Daley was soo wack.
7. Why do these videos try to make Brooklyn look so clean?
8. Does Puff have to have fireworks in every video?
9. What’s funny is that there aren’t any real cameos in this video.
10. Turning the channel to MTV Jams right now……
11. Are u kidding me, it’s the TI “you don’t know me” video Chopped and Screwed.
12. Why do we have Chopped and Screwed videos? Did all the brothers in Houston ride the short yellow school bus?…….“My name is Lil Darrel”! If you don’t listen to Rickey Smiley then you won’t understand.
13. Big Ups to TI for representing where he is really from. No buildings or video shoot in Buckhead. TI is straight up representing the SWATS.
14. Okay this chopped and screwed version is really bugging me right now. I mean if a song is chopped and screwed, is it the same length as the regular song? Just wondering because I swear this video has been on about a half hour.
15. Wow I just saw dat niggie DAZ from the DoggPound in TI’s video. Yo “she got the bomb ass pu$$y”. Classic song from back in the day when Snoop and crew were “crushing the buildings”.
16. Okay the Baby “Get yo shine on” video is on. Insanity!
17. Baby just said “and my momma “Ms Gladys”? Why don’t black folk say Ms, Mrs, or Mr and the actual last name of the person in question? Why do we have to always be “kriss krossed” and do things the opposite way?
18. How did Lil Wayne end up with Nivea? I mean I know he’s paid, but come on. He does really make this video hot though.
19. Hey Russell Simmon’s ghetto ass wife is in this video. She’s ghetto but she’d STILL get it! Isn’t she like 6’5 and Russell is like 5’6?
20. I swear every cash money video features some clip of them on that bridge right before you get into New Orleans. ….Okay enough of the MTV Jams…
21. I am watching VH1 Soul right now……
22. The “Soldier” song by Destiny’s Child is on.
23. Damn Beyonce’s sister Solange is as pregnant as Grace Jones was in Boomerang before she gave birth to that bottle of Stranze perfume. Why couldn’t I have been Beyonce’s sister’s baby daddy? And, before anyone says anything I would have at least waited until she was “of age”. Half her age plus seven is the rule, right Haas G Tate? Btw, it’s the higher of your little sister’s age or the above calculation fellas. That said, I can’t go lower than 22. Jamal you’re screwed at 24.
24. How old is Ciara btw? The video isn’t on but her new video is OOOOkay!
25. Anyway, back to the soldier video……I hate Roy Williams (Kelly’s fiancé and safety for the Dallas Cowboys). I mean I played safety in pee-wee football and I didn’t see a "Kelly" type trying to marry me.
26. Kelly please stop!
27. Kelly has really been bringing her A-Game for some time now. Leaving the Popeye’s chicken alone works wonders!
28. Btw, I just found a Popeye’s chicken near Buckhead and I’m pretty hype right now. It’s the same feeling I had when I found that Popeye’s chicken on Divisidero St. in San Francisco for all my Bay area homies!
29. I really think two biscuits should be standard in any Popeye’s meal. And I really shouldn’t have to ask for grape jelly every time either. Jelly is like napkins, so stuff a couple of packets in the box!
30. What is Michelle talking about in the soldier song when she says “He don’t know it may be on tonight"? Maybe on? Michelle, it’s either on or not and don’t you sing gospel songs or something anyway?
31. The 112, “Only You” video is rolling right now.
32. These brothers from 112 will forever be remembered for shooting a video in front of the Waffle House. I now nominate 112 to the "You know your group is ghetto when list.
33. Biggie totally made this song. “Game so tight, they call it virgin!”
34. Actually Biggie really made every song he was on and EVERY Puffy, Lil KIM, and Junior Mafia album as well.
35. The first “112” album was actually pretty good now that I think about it.
36. That Peaches and Cream song was off the hook. I know it wasn’t on the first album, but it was still tight.
37. There is some miscellaneous Vh1 Soul pub and something about the Aids global fund rolling. Speaking of fundraising and I am not being mean, but haven’t they raised ENOUGH money for Tsunami relief? I mean it isn’t like the area was New York City or anything. I can send my twin nephews down there to rebuild the sand castles that were there prior to the disaster. I am getting closer and closer to hell…I know.
38. Yesssss, the Amerie “One Thing” song with Eve is on! Okay, Amerie is probably a solid 8, but she brings her A-Game in this video and almost gets “dime” status. There is only “one thing that got me trippin” right now and that is her legs. As my boy Terrance would say “Cheese and Rice”!
39. Eve would get it too btw. Yes Jamal I guess she IS “hella cute”. As long as she hides the tiger prints, I’m down! Does anyone watch her show on the U Pick a Negro Network? BigUps to the former Ms America and Doritos chick for keeping it real. If I were to marry her, could the sistas really be mad? I mean, once you go UPN, you can never go to NBC (Non Black Channel).
40. Ebony, I really think Amerie says “Na Na Na Na Na Boo” in this song!
41. Okay I can’t watch anymore of this video. Oh no, not the fish net stockings. Oh, not the toss my salad Korean character tattoo on the back. I love this video. I can watch it all day if I had to.
42. Okay this Tweet “Turning Da Lights” off video is on right now….
43. Missy is really losing a lot of weight.
44. She’s losing a lot of weight but still looks the same if that makes any sense.
45. Okay, Tweet has way too many tattoos. She’s a solid 7, but this video brings her to an 8.
46. Can’t she ask Missy for a loan to help her straighten out that front tooth? “Oops” Tweet, you may need to get that fixed. If you need a dentist “Call Me”. It really bugs me every time I watch this video.
47. Do you think Tweet “hooked” Missy up to get on? Just asking!
48. Enough of Tweet and Missy, time to turn back to MTV Jams….
49. Hmmm the Cassidy “I’m a hustler video just went off”. GOOD Riddance! This whole sampling of Jay Z has gone too far.
50. Wu Tang is playing right now……
51. Did anyone ever listen and try to recite Wu Tang lyrics?
52. I just ask b/c I tried and just couldn’t get there. I can quote the Raekwon “Ice Cream” song verbatim though. ….”Me amore, wee wee, bon bons and all that good stuff”. “Oh yeah, shouts out to all the butter pican Ricans for calling me Popi”.
53. I have no idea what they are saying in this song that’s on right now…..oh wait a minute……
54. “I got myself a 40 and I got myself a shorty and I’m about to go and stick it”! I understand that line, I guess. …..….back to BET Hip Hop.
55. There’s a commercial on BET HH right now. Why? MTV J and VH-1 Soul are commercial free. I don’t understand b/c Viacom owns BET and MTV. Inequality never ends!
56. Back to VH1-Soul……..
57. Hey the Carlos Santana and The Product G&B “Maria” song…
58. I used to love the Sesame Street Maria.
59. I think this guy is singing about the Sesame Street Maria.
60. Whatever happened to Maria? What was the Latino dude’s name on the show? I always thought he was trying to get with her.
61. Sorry but did anyone have a Latino friend named Marisol or Guadalupe growing up?
62. I always thought those were a cool names, but that’s just me.
63. This beat is soo tight and the Santana guitar part is absolutely awesome….new song is coming on……
64. Wow, Brand New Heavies: “Brother, Sister”. Okay the woman in the group, I forget her name, but she is solid 9.
65. The white boys in the group will forever be cool.
66. Speaking of, why are all white dudes and a lot of women from the UK cool? I mean they aren’t the most attractive people in the world, but they are always pretty cool.
67. I mean aren’t the girls from Floetry cool? The bigger one is sort of cute in a Jill Scott kinda way, but that’s just me.
68. Back to MTV Jams…….
69. “Get crunk with it, like short said let Bruce Bruce Hit It.” The Ying Yang classic, “Salt Shaker” is on.
70. These guys really love Strippers. Every song has been about stripping or strippers since “Whistle While You Twurk”. Will Twurk be added to the dictionary like “bling bling” any time soon?
71. I guess that’s what happens when you grew up going to the “Pac Jam” and the Rolex. Those from “da bottom (Miami for the clueless)” can only relate to the “Pac Jam”.
72. Speaking of the Pac Jam, I was talking to my girl Spice from J-Ville (or as what FAMUANS refer to as Duvall) and she actually said she had never heard of the “City Boy.” That’s just a shame! Lee Johnson or anyone from the state of Florida will you please educate Ms Davis on the City Boy? Please! Love you like my grandmother’s homemade preserves and biscuits Spice!
73. Brothas always coming up with new things to say…..”Shake it like a salt shaker”. What’s next “flip it like a t.v. channel”? As a matter of fact that’s a good idea right now……
74. Changing channels…..There is no way I am going to turn back and forth and not get the John Legend “Ordinary People” song……especially on VH-1 Soul
75. Nothing on Vh1-soul. Some song and some artist I never heard of.
76. Who’s this K-OS dude? Shouldn’t he be added to the Black Eyed Peas?
77. Wow, just like the radio stations in Atlanta, MTV J and Bet HH are playing the Beenie Seagel song featuring Snoop Dogg simultaneously. Guess I gotta watch one of them huh?
78. Speaking of the radio, don’t we FAMUans or those from that school at the “bottom of the hill (Florida State for the clueless)” miss FM 90.5?
79. Is Snoop Dogg in every video and commercial these days?
80. This Beenie Seagel song is tight btw. I’ll definitely be picking up this album tomorrow.
81. Wow, only one cameo by Jermaine…ooops, Dame Dash! I get the “Napoleon Complex” crew mixed up often.
82. The Mario “How could you” video just came on. Wow this guy has come a long way since the rip off of “just a friend” and the gay a$$ “braid my hair” song.
83. Mario is asking his girlfriend why she dogged him out throughout this video.
84. I don’t think I like this song. Getting cheated on is the worst. Cheating and not getting caught is the best! Can’t wait to hear about this statement.
85. Enough of Mario………
86. Wow the Clipse “Grindin” is on Bet HH. This song was the hottest of all hottest in 2002-2003.
87. This is the beginning of when we really started to get sick of seeing Pharell in videos. And this is like the first time I even saw or actually noticed him in a video.
88. I mean the album was good, but weren’t we all expecting every song to be hot like Grindin on the Clipse album?
89. I love the Chinese dude, Chad of the Neptunes. He just chills and STAYS OUT OF VIDEOS!
90. Okay classic BET, they just cut the Grindin video for a…..Oh my gosh, a BENZINO and Benny Boom video.
91. Okay if you or anyone you know or anyone they know purchased, downloaded or even listened to a Benzino song for more than a minute please send me an email.
92. This song is terrible. A bunch of “high yellow” kids singing some song that I have never heard of. I only said high yellow b/c one of the kids just said it in the video.
93. Who says “high yellow” anyway? I guess I would be Low Black. ….That’s a cool name huh?
94. Do people in Boston even buy Benzino albums?….okay it’s almost 10pm so I need to change the channel quickly.
95. Okay they are playing the same chopped and screwed TI song AGAIN on MTV Jams.
96. Wow. Digable Planets “9th Wonder” from the Blowout Comb album is on VH1 Soul. The second album was soo tight. I’ll be rockin this tomorrow on the way to work.
97. “I’m 68 inches above sea level, 93 million miles above these devils. Play me in the winter, play me in the Summer……”. Lady Bug was so damn cute!
98. Whatever happened to Digable Planets?…….changing the channel AGAIN!
99. The Bobby Valentino “Slow Down” video is on.
100. I really like this song. “Slow down, I just want to get to know you, but don’t you turn around, because that pretty round thing looks good to me”.
101. Is this the dude that sang Blackberry Molasses? Remember that song?
102. “Turn around and bless me with your beauty, cutie.” I’m definitely going to use this when I am on them streets on Friday.
103. This would be really fun if BET Uncut was on right now!
104. Do they post the parental rating guide when uncut is on? Someone needs to b/c its more revealing than the Red Shoe diaries or “Emmanuel episodes 1-16” on Showtime.
105. I’m at line 105 and its like 10:05pm on the dot. It’s amazing how that happened. Clearly, I have no life and I am pretty sure I am going to flunk CFA Level III this year b/c of (i) my boy Jamal forcing me to party and P Jones influencing me to travel to places like Rio and (ii) my need to write you people random, insignificant blurbs about NOTHING. And don’t worry, the classic TDRS will be in your email boxes on Thursday as usual! This was just something to get you going for the week.
HollaAtYaBoy!