TDRS-THE YOU CAN'T COACH THAT EDITION

It’s Ya Boy and I’m coming back at you with 4,000+ words that may just start a what….GIRL-FIGHT! As always, many thanks to my loyal readers and to the new readers (Tinisha, Iyanna, Faith, Karesha-aka-Wifey, Calvin, Colin, & Louis) we add each week. Let’s keep it going! I’d like to send a special shout-out to Lee Johnson (FAMU-SBI incoming class of 93) who was forwarded the email and decided to reply by asking, “Is this Rico Simon from SBI?”. Yes indeed it is my friend!

Mailbag
I thought I would post a few of the comments that I received for prior editions of TDRS before getting into this weeks topic. If you some of you want the past editions shoot me an email and I’ll send them to you!
That’s That Bull Sh#T Edition:
· Ric, Should I say great words from a great man or strong words from a "burnt" man. Anyway, we have all been that dude (Friend but not a$$, Who is She, Buy me a Drink) in various situations for the good/bad/ugly reasons conceivable. Normally, it's the a$$ or potential for a$$ that drives your actions. Similiar to the NBA Draft, I knew LeBron was going to be good but not MVP great. Hell, I thought Kwame Brown (DC's own) was going to be at least decent. That is what it is like out there. Some hits, some misses with a whole lot of drinks in between. My personal thoughts or strategy is to off-set "That's That Bullsh#t" with my own from of "Shadiness". You know that you can't keep a "so-called" good man down. Anyway, you know that I'm talking sh#t now because I'm living the "call me later" life-style right now.
Last point, so when are you coming out with your brotha version of the popular book, He's Just Not That Into You, called, What's The Point, She Ain't A Dime Anyway!!!……M. Hopson

Universal Rating Scale:
· Ok, so I had to print off your write-up and take it home to read this weekend.....First off, I'd be interested to see the guy/girl breakdown of your readership list - I can see some girls (you know the kind) taking offense easily. I personally found it amusing. And now I'm glad to have confirmed that I'm an '8' - I say that because number 3 on your 'what's an 8' list is SOOOOO true! Annoying. Lastly, I'm going to stop using the word cute to describe people.

I'm out. Oh, and thanks for the shout-out as a new reader. Keep 'em coming…..M Dolski · You are really funny. I'm sort of out of the loop with many things, many people, but when I was forwarded the latest issue of TDRS, I had a really good chuckle. Try not to piss too many ladies off, you may be vying for their love and affection one day. Take care!…….J. Jones Is a 10 a 10? -The Reply To Mitch Edition:
· Perhaps your best work to date. You inspire me son…….. J. Jackson

Bar Etiquette Edition:
….Wow...as a former bartender I'm not sure what to think about the tipping section of this edition. If you tip well on the first drink, bartenders will remember you and every subsequent drink will be stronger and they will try to get to you faster. The first drink a bartender pours is normally medium to strong because they're trying to feel you out. Bartenders take care of those that take care of them. Especially female bartenders. ……KMConey

……Man, you do a great job. What do you do at work? I write TV reviews that are half as long and can take me up to 3 hours. How do you manage your time at work? Don't people peep over your shoulder to see what you are doing? Do you let people at work read these reports?…Jacqulyn
· I definitely still remember all the many lessons from you, Jamal, and big Mike (e.g. You have to turn around to look at an ass like that, don't ever give up your seat at the bar for a woman, never doubt the macking abilities of big Mike - who's married now I think, and don't trust all Chicken and Waffle joints to actually have chicken and waffles)…...Little Woodie

Yo Ric, when you said:"She does the “bend over to the front and touch the toes dance” like two or three times, but no more than that. By the way, doesn’t bending over already imply to the front? Sorry, I was just wondering. Maybe Lil John deals with women who can bend over to the back too. I almost fell out of my chair at work! That sh*t was comedy! Keep it up playa!…….C Gladney

Casting Stones Edition:
You went a little long on your rant about Women who prefer tall men.... I could sense some resentment in your commentary... If readers didn't know before reading this edition you were shorter than "6'0 tall... NOW THEY KNOW, for sure... And for the record... Baby's Daddys ARE STILL NOT COOL, unless the child is over 18 and already has a college fund established and paid for... Those with Jobs and not careers who read your commentary will be a little bitter, so be forewarned... you may lose a market with those comments... just WRONG... But I still LOVED IT!!!! …….S Davis

Thanks again to all the readers and future readers! For the record I am not 6ft, I am a solid 5’10. I’ve never been called short, but never been called tall either.

Moving On………….
So as I mentioned last week, the subject for this edition of TDRS will be “You Can’t Coach That”. I don’t know how many sports enthusiasts there are out there, but growing up, this is all that I heard, especially from my father who I blame for me not being a multi-millionaire right now (long story, but those of you who’ve met my father have heard his side of the story and he is a LIAR). I love my dad by the way folks, so this is all in good fun!

Anyway, I thought given the win by Carolina over Illinois and Tiger’s spectacular comeback this weekend at the Masters a rant about coaching, talent, men, and sports needed to be written. You typically hear the statement “you can’t coach that” followed by something like “speed” or “height”. The statement is so true! In a nutshell, North Carolina and Tiger Woods were more talented than their competitors. There is nothing you can do when a team or individual is more talented than you and when they bring their A-Game. Yeah, Villanova beat Georgetown and the Red Sox beat the Yankees, but we all know the Yanks and the Hoyas didn’t bring their A-Game. This is the only way coaching beats talent and that is when the talented don’t play their best or close to it. So what does talent and coaching have to do with dating and relationships? Hopefully by the end of this TDRS you’ll know.

Bring the A-Game
My Ace J. Jackson and I have always talked about what we call “bringing your A-Game. The concept is so simple, yet many, and I’m talking men and women rarely subscribe to it. Many of you ladies were upset with the Universal Ratings Scale (“URS”) and it’s because you didn’t really hear everything you needed to hear. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING A SEVEN! Okay I said it. Now there is something wrong with being a 7 and not bringing you’re A-Game. This applies to when you go out on a date, to the club, CHURCH, or even work.

Let’s break this down. As described in the URS, a 10 is a 10. Now if a 10 goes to the club and decides to bring her A-Game, then there is no way on earth that you, as a 7 can compete, absolutely NO WAY! When Tiger brings his A-Game all of his drives are in the fairway. Yeah I know Phil Mickelson, V-Jay, and Ernie Els can put their balls in the fairway too, but when Tiger brings his A-Game his drives are 60 yards longer than everyone, which allows him to attack the greens like no other. Because Tiger can do this, his competitors crumble and never really come to play. The same thing happens in the dating/relationship/club world. Some (notice I said some) ladies know that they are going to have to play against a room full of “Tigers or 10s” when they go to the club. Instead of attacking Tiger head on like Chris Demarco did this weekend, many of these ladies either don’t show up or choke like Phil Mickelson does every time he plays Tiger. The following details the excuses that ladies “who don’t want to go and attack 10’s head on” use:
“I’m tired of the whole club scene”. Usually this excuse is preceded by the classic “aren’t you tired of going to the club?” in some sort of weird effort to distract a brotha from the matter at hand. To answer this question, No I am not tired of the scene and don’t get mad at me b/c you went to more Moon, Alpha, Q, and wack pajama parties at the Student Union during your freshman year, than you went to class in your entire collegiate career. I agree that women mature faster than men (ages 5-16), but when they get to college I honestly believe that gets thrown out the window. Maturity is somewhat misused in this context. I like burned out instead! That is one of the problems going on today with this whole dating and relationship thing. Ladies are getting all upset that brothas aren’t trying to be committed. Why should they? You had all of your “trifling, shiftless, and lackadaisical” times in college, so let a brotha have his fun now.

I’d like to quote the magnificent “Mike Jones” of Swisha House fame before I dive more into this issue: “Back den, girls didn’t want me, now I’m hot, girls all on me”.

Ladies, brothas (one’s who have their shit together and can throw rocks if they want to) are a hot product right now and are in limited supply. They are selling like hotcakes all over the world (My boy PJones was taken off the market by a gal from Bello Horizonte….BRAZIL!). Given that brothas are hot right now, what makes you think he wants to lock in a long-term contract with you at a fixed rate (at least give the brotha the option to float around here and there)? Purchase contracts with terms are for losers who are not confident enough that they can continue to sell their product in the future! Don’t get mad, that is just the way the market is. If you don’t buy at the terms brothas are setting right now, guess what, someone else will!

So, if you are tired of the club scene and just want to stay home, go ahead. Just know that you could be missing out. Yeah I know, go to church and find the “one”. Let me just tell you that you are too late if that is your route. Church boys are in high demand too and don’t think the terms with them are any better (maybe even worse). Don’t even let me get started on them!

I don’t have anything to wear. I love this one b/c it makes absolutely no sense. Ladies if you are ever in this predicament, then do what brothers do and put on the ladies’ equivalent of a throwback jersey: the tight fitting white/black extra short sleeve t-shirt (that says “Bebe” or has some stupid saying or word like “sexy” or ”I love boys”) and a pair of jeans. Ladies, you can never go wrong with this outfit. Btw, is it pronounced Be Be or Bay Bay, or just Beeb? Inquiring minds want to know.

I am not a big drinker. While I go to the club to drink, I’d say most people go to the club to dance. Now if you don’t do either one, then you are likely no fun anyway, so you are doing us both a favor by staying your “boring” ass at home!

I don’t have any money. Hmmm. I’d like to send a shout out to my adopted (forced by my boy Jamal) little sis and fellow drinking club member Maya Jackson. Last time I checked this girl rarely spends a dime at the club and no she doesn’t sit there and talk to random dudes who expect something in return. Now Maya may rank a bit higher on the URS than most (sorry Jamal), but that doesn’t mean lower rated ladies can’t go to club, have fun, and not spend money. I mean, if you are a 6 then do you really expect to holla or get hollered at by a top notch guy? Of course not, so play on your level and dance with the wack dudes who carry the champagne bottles and you’ll be fine.

Now that we got the ladies who don’t come to play in check, lets switch to the ladies who come to the course and choke like Phil Mickelson. Ladies are not bringing their A game when:

(i) They rock a hat that doesn’t even come close to matching the outfit. Fellas, this is a clear signal that she didn’t get her hair done. There is nothing wrong with this but you should ask yourself if she came out in a public not bringing her A-Game how would she be at home around just you! Yeah I know the whole “I didn’t get my hair done” spill but as Dean Mobley taught many of us “No excuses are acceptable, no amount of work is adequate until it is proven effective”. If your hair isn’t done then don’t hit them streets expecting to get hollered at. I know, I know, ladies can’t get their hair done every week, but every other week is not asking too much. Btw, I’d like to send a shout out to my girl E. Troupe (you’re getting way to many of these EB) who I know hits the hairdresser twice a month. Oh and I am still going to drop by your beauty shop b/c word on the street, there is some talent there.
(ii) They are “Crunk” (See TDRS –Bar Ettiquette for a detailed description)! There is nothing worse than an over the top drunk chic. They are no fun b/c they could at any moment (i) pass out (and then you have to carry them out), (ii) hurl on you or heaven forbid, in your car, or (iii) they wake up the next day expecting you to cook breakfast like her name was Nia in Love Jones. The worse case scenario is that all three of the above happen in one night, which means a brotha likely got nothing! Many of you wrote in upset about the fact that I said ladies should stick to the fruity drinks and this is exactly why they should. I don’t know about all of the fellas out there but I don’t find waking up to a chic that reeks of Crown Royale, Hennessey or Gin (especially Seagrams) to be attractive.
(iii) “They are wearing the same outfit as your girl!” This again is absolutely unacceptable and I see this rule broken quite often on the streets (especially in Chicago…..Ava (a loyal reader that I love) aren’t you from Chicago??). I mean, Ladies, the streets are not meant to be a platform for you and your girls to try out for a double mint twins commercial. Btw, this also applies to hairstyles as well! Not cute! When you bring you’re A-Game, your outfit and hairstyle should stand above the rest. Ladies you should go onto those streets thinking like the FAMU Marching 100, “Often imitated, but never DUPLICATED! This goes for the brothas to, don’t be heading out in a group looking like ya’ll are about to sing the “Mowtown Philly Remix”! This would be truly the End of the Road if this happens!
(iv) The only outfits they wear to work are pants suits! I believe in the whole equality thing, but some of you take it way to far! Show a little leg please! Pants suits are the equivalent to the golf shirt and khaki outfit that my Caucasian brethren wear every damn day, and twice on Sunday. Vary the outfits please.
(v) They walk past the long line at the club thinking the bouncer is going to let them in and they end up having to make the walk of shame back to the end of the line. Even worse, they further embarrass themselves by getting on a cell phone trying to call the person who supposedly had them on the list. Brothas are probably guiltier of this, but I’ll get to them in a second. I’d like to send another shout to Spice who even with a hat on, (it didn’t match but you made it work) walked straight through the line at The Compound in ATL. Note Terrance and I were in-line a good 40 minutes before we even saw the door! Spice, you know I love you like a play-cousin!

Not to be outdone…..Brothas don’t bring their A-Game when:

(i) They are late for a date b/c they were too busy trying to play one more game of Madden. Jamal, I dare you to forward this to Jamylah. Oh yeah, ladies I am just going to say that buying your man a Playstation is a really bad idea! Sorry fellas, I don’t own one, so I have no motivation to keep this on the hush.
(ii) Have more “throw-back” jersey’s in their closet than ties or buttoned down shirts. I don’t own a throwback, but I do think the number of throwbacks a brother should have, should be less than the number of positions in his favorite sport. For example, if baseball is your favorite sport then there should be no more than 7 jerseys in the closet (I don’t really differentiate between a left, center or right fielder, so it counts as only 1 position). For basketball, it would only be three, guard forward, center.
(iii) They have multiple cell phone clips. Fellas, lets stop the madness. Keep the cell phone in the pocket and stop looking like undercover cops.
(iv) They rock the gigantic cell phone earpieces. Yeah this Bluetooth technology is getting way out of hand. Brothas look like they are about to pilot a delta flight with all of this headgear.
(v) They try to dress like Andre 3000. This is an epidemic in the city of Atlanta. I’m sorry but it aint cool and I haven’t heard any “sistas” saying that it is cool.
(vi) They pick up a lady in a dirty car. If the weather is bad, then the interior should at least be clean!
(vii) They are kissing some chic in the club! Game over! This is worse than bringing sand and water to the beach or Mexicans to the Greyhound bus station (sorry Trish, I tried really hard not to offend anyone in this edition)! If you are guilty of this, then please turn in your player card immediately!
(viii) They have to take a “Time Out” and rush to Walgreens to buy some jimmy hats. Even worse is when you have to take your boy’s last couple of jimmy hats w/o his knowledge, which effectively blocks ya boy from getting any. Big Mike, Jamal will never forgive you! As my boy G Tate always says, “Be a boy-scout and always be prepared!”
(ix) Their shower or bathroom for that matter isn’t clean. Fellas, if she is afraid to sit on your toilet, then I’ll venture and say she will be apprehensive about sitting on you. If your place is clean they may just say to themselves, “I’ll just get up and go home in the morning”. Special shout out to my girl Steph-T in Oakland who taught ya boy about having a clean toilet bowl. Nothing pisses a woman off more, outside of nothing left on the roll, than the “streaks”!

To summarize, if some of you ever wonder why your friend gets more play than you when you hit the streets, its either because (i) they have a higher rating and they bring their A-game or (ii) they have the same rating as you and you didn’t bring your A-Game.

Biggest Mistakes made by Women Part I-Sports
This could be a discussion for a future TDRS, but because some you were upset with the short length of the last TDRS, I decided to make this one of those “print out and take home editions.” I know ladies, you are tired of me getting on all of you about things, but I am a guy and as long as you guys keep reading this stuff, I am going to continue telling you like it is.

So this weekend, I am watching the Master’s and right before Tiger chips in on 16, my freaking phone rings. Now was it Jamal? Eric? G Tate? My Mom? No, it was someone who shall remain nameless, that is a loyal TDRS reader. I’m not mad at her, but she clearly wasn’t watching the Masters or had any idea that the Masters was on. As men, we only have so many things left that define us and as such I believe women need to understand why. That said the following list is a survival guide or tool for women to follow with respect to Men and Sports.

(i) Don’t schedule any dinner, wedding, outing or even call during:
1. Super-bowl Sunday, the conference championship games, divisional playoff and wildcard games
2. March Madness (the NCAA tournament for the clueless),
3. ANY golf tournament where Tiger Woods is no more than 7 seven strokes behind entering the final round.
4. Any golf tournament where Tiger is paired with Phil Mickelson.
5. Any major college football game, especially during Rivalry Week (FSU vs Florida, O-State vs Michigan, the annual ass-whoppin at the fair (Texas vs OU) and last but not least FAMU vs BCC. Oh yeah the Southern (#2 band in land) versus Grambling (haters) is excluded from this list. We all know which rivalry game is the largest!
6. Any college football game on CBS when Jill Arrington is reporting from the sidelines!
7. Any tennis match where Serena Williams is playing.
8. Any CHAMPIONSHIP tennis match where Venus is playing.
9. NFL Draft Day
10. Any NBA game, which features teaser shots of the wives of the following players: Grant Hill, Jason Kidd, Chauncey Billups (I hear she’s tight) and Reggie Miller (the ex-wife).
(ii) Don’t ask us why we have to watch Sports-center twice a day? If you have to watch Dr. Phil and Oprah everyday, then please get off our backs!
(iii) Don’t go to any sporting event where we purchased the tickets with the expectation of leaving early. Anyone going to watch the Hawks or Golden St. Warriors is excused!
(iv) Size Does Matter! Don’t even think about having a Super Bowl party if you don’t have at least a 32-inch television. As a matter of fact, don’t even expect me to come over and watch a movie if your television isn’t at least 32 inches.
(v) Don’t ask us sports questions just to see if we would be patient enough to answer them. We see right through this and will not be patient!
(vi) Keep all comments regarding your crush on any athlete or how good they look in “such and such” to yourself when in the presence of your man. Unless you want us to start singing the song “Cut Up” when Serena is playing, then don’t go there. Btw, for all of you ladies who were all about Mr. Micheal Vick aka Ron Mexico, I hope you wake up feeling like it’s a “brand new day”! If you don’t get it, then check the new Valtrex commercial and holla at me!

I know this one was long, but some readers wanted more so I hope this suffices, YASMIN! I don’t know what’s on tap for next week, but I promise to come at you hard!

HollaAtYaBoy!