TDRS-THE NFL DRAFT EDITION

What up FAM, What up Folk! It’s ya boy and I’m coming back at you “one mo gin wit a big wassup”. TDRS “got that Southernplayalisticadillacfunkymuzik for yo' trunk. And it's fat like herringbone, and tight like nap booty”. So let me take you deep and be straight to the point, because this is that REAL $hit, All Day, Everyday.

As always, let me give respect (like my man Ali G would say) where respect is due and that is to “FAM”(keep striking), to my “Folk” who know how we Rattlers do and to the new readers, (Aaron-in the U.K., Quia, Ernesto, Kimmah, Barika, Dornecia, Jabari, Jovanna, Mekayla, Shevon, Michelle, Edwin, Courtney) who’ve become part of what truly has become a passion of mine, writing about nothing!

The Mailbag:
-Why I got to be "Playa # 1" ????? You are the pimp. I read TDRS just to make sure my game is tight, playa. Keep schoolin' us on the "Perry Pimpin." Hilarious!!! ….T Mayo

-Much props & stunts for the breakdown of the teams, squads and crew. Your definition of "team" is so ON point b/c like the Patriots & The San Antonio Spurs, they are boring to watch, but they hold your interest just 'cause you wonder "What exactly are they doing on a game in and game out basis that constantly ensures victory for them??"
Re Squads: Me and my man from back @ the crib also refer to "squads" as "The Voltron". Because individually they contribute something special and can hold their own in given situations; but when they unite as one, nothing can hold them down...also to piggy back on your analogy, it's difficult to pick out an MVP within squads.

Lastly point #2 on the crew...I tell all my peoples about that scene @ my man J. Jackson's party where those ladies came into the set, got on the 1s and 2s, wrecked the party, and when they left they went out just like the Infamous Mobb Deep: "Parties over, tell the rest of the crew!"…….B. Holcomb B, this is definitely one of the best replies the mailbag has ever had-TDRS.

- Bottom line: women don't want to "Catch a Good Black Man"...they just want to complain about not having a good black man to their girls and bias. Instead they are out getting their feelings hurt by that one cat that either sends them to the chiropractor day in day out, or the cat that all her girls are like, "Why are you with him any-dam-way gurl?". It's just somethin bout that one dude who they know aint quite right, but yet is SO RIGHT. Trust me, I know. Once a woman has deemed you as a "Good Black Man"...unless she's ready to conceive or is all out of other options, you will be played to the left homie. Perfect pop culture examples of these not so right for you brothas that are being heavily embraced by our ladies: R. Kelly, Jay-Z, 50 Cent, Cash Money...and I can go on and on. Nice, aka Good, guys finish last; they aren't even in the game. Ladies, if you really want to meet a "Good Black Man", check out a lounge, exhibit, or outing NOT sponsored by a malt liquor or professional ball player, walk up to a MAN you are attracted to... and say hello……Mateo T. M, as Jay Z said to Rick Reuben in 99 problems, “you wrong for this one”! --TDRS

-Still don't know who Cityboi is….Spice D. Spice, it’s not who, its “what”-TDRS.

-Hey Quia (member of the crew that ripped up J Jackson’s housewarming party), i’ll make sure to put your mailbag comments in the next edition, i can’t check my yahoo email from work! …. TDRS

The NFL DRAFT
As I alluded to in last week’s “How to Find a Good Black Man Edition”, this week is going to discuss the NFL draft. I love the NFL, a.k.a. “the League” b/c it’s the best of the best. If you’re not that good, you don’t last in the League for very long. Even if you were just awesome in college (see Heisman Trophy winners like Gino Torreta, Andre Ware, Ty Detmer, and Heath Shuler) it doesn’t mean you’ll be great in the NFL. Heck, it really doesn’t necessarily guarantee you entry into the league (see Jason White from Univ Oklahoma).
My boys J Jackson and E Fountain provided some of the inspiration for this week’s edition. For years, my boys have constantly been on me about building a team or better yet, a squad. If you don’t know what a team or squad is then please go back and read last week’s edition. According to Jamal, I got all the tools to build and develop a nice squad. I have:
(i) Salary Cap Space
(ii) My own stadium or soon to be my own stadium
(iii) An awesome scouting department-T Hinton, E-Troupe-(a.k.a. hooking brothas up via text messages…ha!),the rest of the crew, and any other’s out there who got some talented friends who want to play for a great franchise) and last but not least
(iv) A pretty good supply of prospects to DRAFT from (i.e. from the city of Atlanta)
Yes my friends this is the NFL Draft edition and I’m going to come at you with a few rounds (words) of pure draft analysis like my name is Mel Kiper III. Who the hell is Mel Kiper? If you don’t know, you better ask somebody.

Fellas, I got to say this and I’m sorry if I offend anyone. Basically, if you don’t have the cash don’t even try to be an owner in the League. I’m not saying you can’t be an owner. I’m just saying that when you don’t invest dollars in your team, you LOSE your team. Just don’t think you are going to have a successful “franchise” with no cash. You might field a nice squad here or there, but is that what you really want? The goal should be to build a great franchise, an organization that generates success over time, an organization like the SF 49ers, the Green Bay Packers, and the Steelers. Ladies you should want to get with owners who have great franchises.

Salary Cap Space
For those ladies who are a bit clueless on NFL terminology, specifically the “salary cap”, I’ll break it down real quick. To keep a level playing field between the teams, the league instituted a cap on how much a particular organization can spend on its team. Basically, it prevents the League from ending up like baseball, i.e. having teams like the New York Yankees who spend a ton of money acquiring All-stars year-end and year-out, which means they win year-end and year-out. Now that the ladies understand what the Salary Cap is, let’s first discuss what the cap NEEDS to be or how it SHOULD work out there on “them” streets.

Roster Cuts
First off I really believe that roster cuts need to be implemented in order to clear cap space. Now I know that in the Coming Out-D/L Edition I said be greedy and don’t “give away dimes” and I’m here to say that I am sticking by that statement. However, I do believe we as true playas, need to trim the fat and “waive” those URS 6’s that are only bench warmers or what I call “cold weather” players (ones who are good enough to bang at home when it’s too cold to go out, but not good enough to take out when it’s hot). Basically, that $8 you’ve been spending on Blockbuster nights with the bench warmer can be used more effectively at acquiring free agents or new picks via the draft.

The Cap Number
What is the right cap number? Now this is the million-dollar question. I wish I could give one firm cap number but that would be extremely difficult given we got playas on this list who are truly east coast, west coast, and worldwide. I mean a dinner in San Francisco is quite different than a dinner in Atlanta or even London for that matter. Now there are some things, which are a clear violation of the cap. These violations are listed below in that classic TDRS format. I’d like to thank my girl Yas for giving me the, shall I say inspiration (?) to mention three of these violations.
1. Paying Her Rent: This is a clear violation and the owner should be abolished from the league for this type of behavior. Rent doesn’t get paid unless there is equivalent consideration or some sort quid pro quo arrangement. Just like Nas said in the Genuwine song: “Yeah, owe me back like you owe your tax Owe me back like forty acres to Blacks Pay me back when you shake it like that girl”
2. Paying for a “Ti-Tay” Job: Fellas, I understand that you want to make your players better but don’t spend cash on something that someone else will or can use to their advantage after a few years of being on your team. I mean this happens all of the time in the league or out there on them streets. Corporate America is the king of what we shall forever call paying for Ti Tays. How many times have you seen people go into an organization, learn their methodologies, take advantage of the educational reimbursement and once they become useful, dip and go for more of that “straight cash”? G-Tate, you Harvard boys do this all the time, but I ain’t mad at ya! However, as an owner I would be pretty damn pissed. Fellas, I know in the short term that the Ti Tay job would be cool, but you are only paying for someone else’s fun in the long run. Take advantage of what you got now and if she wants to improve herself in the off-season then let her finance this on her own. Now there are some things we can and at times should finance b/c we get the direct benefit now, such as:
a. Paying to get her hair done… every now and then
b. Paying for her to her nails done… Every now and then
c. Paying for the birth control pills… … Whenever she asks you to!
3. Paying for an inactive player to travel: I’m sorry but if sweetie pie is on the disabled or inactive list, then she can’t fly on the team plane. I’ve made this mistake before and I’m telling brothas around the world to not make the same mistake (you see TDRS is full of humility). I mean what can you do with an inactive player other than sit there and be pissed that they are on your payroll and not on the field?

The Luxury Tax
Ladies, when brothas exceed the salary cap (i.e. spending to much on y’all) they end up getting slapped with a luxury tax that is disbursed in some form or fashion to the other owners in the league. The following are two examples of luxury taxes some brothas are getting hit with out on them streets.
1. Kids- This is an 18-year tax and it ain’t all that fun to pay. See when brothas start spoiling them girls they get comfortable and some (and I said some) will resort to any means necessary to keep the paychecks coming, even if they have to share it with junior. Now that you are a baby daddy, the ladies go elsewhere and owners benefit.
2. STD’s-Some playas are getting caught up with some diseases that just don’t go away. I mean Mike Vick got the clap from somewhere right? I mean Mike may have more than just the clap, he may have what I call an ovation, which is more than one gift that keeps on giving, if you know what I mean. Fellas who fall victim to the “ovations” are not receiving encores from the fans and other owners benefit here too.

The Stadium
Fellas, I don’t need to discuss this in painful detail b/c we all know or should know that you can’t field a squad without having your OWN stadium. It doesn’t matter if you are using public or private financing, just make sure it’s your stadium and that it’s only used for your team. Unless you live in New York, where rent is a tad bit expensive, it is okay to have a “Meadowlands agreement”(a roommate) like the NY Jets and NY Giants. Just make sure that you and your roommate (other owner) schedule games to not fall on the same day! There are two more things to discuss about stadiums, which are outlined below:

Season Ticket Holders
Fellas, there is no such thing as season ticket holders in them streets. Just to clear any confusion a season ticket holder on them streets means they have rights that include: full access to your stadium (even worse they have a key), free concessions, and unlimited use of your restroom. TDRS has a problem with season ticket holders because they:
Don’t understand that as more fans want to come and watch the game, ticket prices increase! That nice hug, kiss and occasional kama sutra position is not going to cut it. If she doesn’t go for the price increase, let her know really quickly that there is a waiting list! Hey EB how many people are on the waiting list to watch Ron Mexico “burning” down the field to score touchdowns? As Dan Patrick will surely say this year on “SportsCenter”, “you can’t stop em, you can only hope to contain em”.

1. Can’t just be happy with hotdogs, hamburgers, and beer. Season ticket holders expect expensive a$$ wine and cheese or REAL food after the game. Who goes to dinner after a game?
2. Not only leave stuff behind (like their personal bathroom products-toothbrush, Vickey Secret lotion and body wash) but also leaves you broke from having to constantly replace toilet tissue. Yeah, Yeah, I know you ladies need to “pat” dry …… whatever!
3. Believe team paraphernalia is free. No it is not free and for the last time, I want my North Carolina sweater back (another wink for that girl from the L. I.). Fellas be careful here b/c she may rock some of your team nalia on them streets and let everyone know it came from your stadium, which is nothing but putting salt in your game. Let me just say that nalia includes such things as CARS!

The Owner’s Box
I don’t know who (probably Oprah) started this whole argument but it’s just bananas to me and that is this whole thing about not having a television in the bedroom (owner’s box). This is absolutely necessary and so long as the stadium rights are in the name of _____(fill in a playas name here), there will be a television in the box.

The Scouting Department
Behind every great team and owner is a great scouting department. Scouts are the key to success in the NFL b/c they know how to evaluate players and separate the truly awesome from the mediocre. Scouts also are great for finding that “diamond in the rough”. I’d be lying if I didn’t say the best scouts out there are women. The best female scouts are ones who:
1. Already have a man (or woman if she swings that way). Many brothas are out there using scouts who secretly want them, which is a total conflict of interest. Fellas don’t fall for this trap. When your good, single, female friend volunteers to hook you up, please watch out.
2. Already know what you want. A good scout doesn’t really need to ask questions, because she should know the type of squad you want and CAN (operative word here) field. When she starts asking you stuff like what are you looking for or the word why comes out of her mouth, then SHE (the would be scout) wants you and is only asking for her personal gain!
3. Are likely part of a “Crew”. As stated in last week’s edition, women that are part of a crew are just cool as hell and they know other chic’s who are cool as hell……So Quia (a.k.a. D-town UGK), Maya J (a.k.a. lil sis) who I know have crews, what’s up? I know this guy who writes these rants about nothing whose looking for a hookup.

Aside from scouts, the next best thing is a strong General Manager (GM). GM’s are those brotha’s who are married (Mohammed) or soon to be married (HGT) or even your dad. These guys are full of wisdom and that is TO DON’T BE IN A HURRY TO GET MARRIED. If you can still play, “why retire”?


The Draft
So all of this talk of salary cap, stadiums, scouts, and general managers has come to what we’ve all been waiting for and that is THE DRAFT. The Draft ladies and gentlemen can turn a mediocre team into a straight up powerhouse. A draft can make a strong team stronger. A draft can also make a bad team worse! There are risks in the draft, but if you got salary cap space and a good scouting department, you can do very well.

Conferences
It’s not a mistake that some of the top picks and best players out of the draft come from the best conferences. I mean we all know or should know that the best conference for draft picks is the MEAC (the Mid Eastern Athletic Conference). Most of you know this conference very well but just for those not in the know, the MEAC includes such schools as The Florida Agricultural & Mechanical University (we rattlers shoud start saying THE before our school name, it sounds cool), Howard University, and Hampton University. I’d be happy to argue with any man out there who can come up with a conference that pound for pound has more talent than the MEAC. I mean if you want to be real, FAMU can be like Norte Dame and become an Independent and do just as well. What’s crazy is that I’ll take my girls from FAMU’s illustrious Sybil C Mobley School of Business against any university in the country. Sorry to those who get tired of hearing FAMUans talk about themselves but if you don’t like it, you better learn to love it, because it’s the best thing going today! Whoooo! (Big shout out to all my bruh’s who loved that classic Ric Flair during the days of the 4-horsemen)

Anyway, FAMU aside, there is plenty of talent elsewhere on them streets. I mean quietly the little school down the hill FSU has some bangers. We know what Atlanta has via the AU center, but don’t sleep on those chicks from Kennesaw State. Texas has SMU and UT at Austin, but don’t sleep on them girls from the University of North Dallas, absolute all-stars!

Draft Mechanics
Basically the worst team in the league usually gets the first pick of the draft. What’s ironic is that it seems to be the same way out there on them streets. I can’t tell you how many losers out there who are consistently getting the first pick and this really pi$$es me off! This is all I have to say about the mechanics of the draft. Well, maybe not!

Anyway, just because you have a winning team doesn’t mean you are precluded from getting a high draft pick. There is always the option to trade-up. Conversely, if you don’t want to put up with the prima donnas who are typically associated with the high picks, you can trade down. The following are examples of brothas trading up or down to get better or more picks!

1. Brad Pitt trading Rachael, oops Jennifer Anniston for Angelina Jolie. I mean Jennifer was a good player, sort of Doug Flutie like, but with Angelina he got a “franchise quarterback”.
2. Eric Benet trading down. You know I was really upset with Eric for a long time but I’ve realized that something is wrong with Halle. FYI in a early 2002 TDRS I called this by saying Halle shouldn’t trust no man who walks in them streets barefoot. I guess she was still playing in character from the Flintstone’s movie. Halle is like Chris Weber or better yet Eddie George. The name sounds good, but she doesn’t have that explosive first step any more. Don’t get me wrong, Halle can play on my team, but I’m just saying something is wrong with this partially deaf, hit and run, chick!
3. Jay Z trading up for Beyonce. I mean could there have been any other way?
4. Ben Affleck trading down for Jennifer Garner. I mean J-Lo is like Randy Moss, unbelievable talent but is all about that straight cash and a pain to deal with.
5. Marcus Graham (Eddie Murphy) trading down (at least in the movie) from Jacqueline (Robin Givens) for Angela (Halle Berry). This was the classic trade down to get a much a better player or that diamond in the rough. I mean Robin was a definite All-star, a Michael Vick type, but low and behold Marcus found Angela, a Tom Brady type, a player who just wins!

Final Thoughts…..
For the last few years, owners with the best picks have been making some really dumb mistakes in the draft and it always hinges on whether or not to draft (i) the best player available for the position the team needs or (ii) drafting the best player available in the draft. Ya’ll already know what my position is on this and that is to ALWAYS take the best player available. I mean the less talented players will be available later in the draft and if for some reason another team picks them don’t worry because there are plenty of players left on them streets.

HollaAtYaBoy!

TDRS-THE HOW TO CATCH A GOOD BLACK MAN EDITION

Oh and once again it’s on and you thought I wasn’t going to bring it to you this week! What’s up FAM? What’s up Folk “on the east, take to the west, everybody know the SOUTHSIDE gon handle the rest”. That’s some of that classic Master P and Mia X. Like Mystical, said back in 1996 Ya’ll Aint ready. As always, I’d like to thank the ever growing crew (Dez, Frank, Rachael, and Bonnie) and all my folks who keep reading these rants about NOTHING but full of SOMETHING.

So yet again I was sitting here (today’s Wednesday the 4th btw) wondering how I could keep this train going week after week and BOOM I get an email from my girl T Mayo (Playa #1) with a picture of her and her girls and a request by a new reader (Faith) to discuss how to catch a good black man. So I know you’re wondering how I am going to tie a picture and catching a good black man to some long 3000+ word rant, but never fear, where there’s a will there’s a way. Before we hit the comedy, let’s dive into the mailbag, which is just pure comedy in itself. Many thanks to those who respond, because they really make my day!

Mailbag
-Remember when you used to drive the Old Skool Honda Accord and we had the conversation about how brothas were becoming too happy being the catcher and not the pitcher. Vision son vision! We were hot even back then! Sh!t is incredible. And what is the deal with all the talk about "coming out" and "dl" brothas just when I got my " facial cleansing system" together! Dammit man! The ABCs are genius my brother genius. In the words of the beautiful Jada Pinkett "don't no woman want a man that another woman don't want". Superficiality, you gotta learn to love it! So cut her girl, rock her world and you will get a referral. perry pimpin worldwide. Keep it comin!…….K.Banister

-You gotta put me on the distro list for your stuff..... It's actuallypretty funny... I feel you I do the same stuff too...Des -

-So how did I miss the Rico that bought Kate Spade purses? :)…S.Thomas

-As far as the whole holding out or rationing thing goes me and Tesa were having this discussion earlier today and we've decided that men here are under the false misconception that everything or anything that they do warrants getting some Ass!!! Sadly, they are mistaken! Cooking dinner or buying dinner doesn't translate into Booty!!! …..Yas. Yas you are not ready for the TDRS “Owe Me Some Ass” edition coming real soon. See G-Tate’s comments below……it’s funny how these things work out.-“If she’s a friend, always let it be known that you would cut her at a drop of dime. For all of my female friends out there, I shouldn’t have to say this, but you would ALL get it and twice on Sunday, once after the morning service and again right after or before the 11 o’clock service. Btw, I’ve got to say that I have some pretty nice looking female friends. Is it luck or is it strategy? I’ll let ya’ll marinate on that one.” Ok, you are OFFICIALLY a wild boy! …Moham

-Yo, this one was off the hook! I feel you on the "being greedy thing". My philosophy on dimes is "if you don't go for yours, someone else will" so I keeps a few for myself before sharing the wealth…….J Reid

-This week's TDRS was straight fire. Please continue to school these youngsters in these streets. I must give special love to the "sleepin' in my bed vs. on the couch" segment, and informing the brothers about stepping their game up. And thank you for letting everyone know that it's o-kkkay for brothers to drink wine, have a clean crib, use shampoo and something other than dial anti-bacterial on his face. However what you failed to mention about metro-sexuals who are straight up brothers, is that in addition to the nice soft skills in the previous sentence, these gentlemen can get crunk in the club, drink yak till they throw-up, and take it to the streets if necessary, especially when off on that gin. But most importantly, when stepping up to bat they come out like Barry Bonds on that Balco in Coors Field. "You can't keep an old lady cause you keep f#$%ing her friends, ha." For women, it's really simple to know if you have man on the DL. First question, do you think your man's cheating? If not, why not? If he's not at work, not at home, not at the gym, not with you, and not with his boys, but he's in town and you don't know where he is, then he's either cheating on you or he's on the DL. You already know if he's suspect. If he's not suspect, then yes, he's cheating with that girl that you don't like that he claims is his friend. If he's suspect, then why are you with him in the first place? Did Oprah really need an hour for what I put into five sentences? Final thought: haven't you been trying to get that Carolina sweatshirt since 1995-96 when you were living in Las Palmas? And isn't the owner, since possession is 9/10ths of the law, still on the OMSA list? ---g.tate For those wondering OMSA stands for Owes Me Some A$$. And to the owner, thanks for sending me a smiley face acknowledging that you were still in possession of my sweater. ;=) Comments from The Monday Night Video Rant-Instead of hanging with Nivea, Lil' Wayne should think about buying some Nivea products. Ashy bastard. He shitty…..E Fountain

-you need to get laid :) Step T……..Who want’s to sleep with Mutomobo?

-That was classic!! Yes, Bobby is the dude from Mista (Blackberry Molasses). How Spice don't know about the CityBoi...she ain't really from Duval. And you are going straight to hell, but you will have friends and liquor there to keep ya company!! ……Ava D

How to catch a “good black man”
Very interesting topic these days since brothas are (i) busy asking, “where’s my lawyer” b/c they are locked up (they won’t let me out), (ii) straight up gay or straight up bias (see last edition), or (iii) already taken. BTW this seems like a better topic for my other brother from another mother (Mrs. Jean right Haas) LGT of the “Air Up There” column. Shameless plug, I know.

Now I know the ladies want to REALLY know “how” to catch a “good” black man. I’m sorry, I don’t know what a “good” black man is. If you can tell me what a good “black” man is, then I could really help you out. For now, I’ll try my best to help you all find brothas, since we’re in such scarce supply. Just to get warmed up, I’ve listed three surefire ways below:

(i) Be a white woman. Ha! Discussed in more detail later.
(ii) Be a Universal Rating Scale 8 or above or
(iii) Be at least a 7 and always bring you’re “A-Game”

While the above are just jokes and more shameless plug for past editions of TDRS and the holleratyaboys blog site, they are quietly working out there on them streets. Seriously though, the key to getting a black man is getting help. It’s very difficult to do things solo, unless of course you are a dime. Remember this column is really about life on them streets, so I’ll be giving you advice on finding a brother in them streets. Seeing as if a few of my closest friends and me already got our Delta buddy pass tickets to hell, I can’t give advice on finding brothers at church.

Anyway, the first thing you need to do when you go out is to TAKE someone or a group of people with you, at least until you’ve mastered the game out there. FYI, I never go out on them streets alone! Anyway, the biggest mistakes women make are the ladies they choose to roll with. One bad apple can destroy the whole bunch, so BE CAREFUL. The fellas are watching. Just in case you are little confused keep reading. ……..

There is no “I” in Team
…….So my boy T Dog and I were at Shout (the cool “Anglo People’s” spot that was taken over by the Atlanta Africans). For those who have been to ATL, “Shout” is a hot spot in midtown and is the sister restaurant of “Twist” which is located at Phipps Plaza in Buckhead. Anyway, T and I were sipping on some syzurp when a group of ladies walked past us. The first thing out of T’s mouth was wow, now that was a Crew. I disagreed and said it was a Squad. At the end of the day it really didn’t matter because it was a pretty good collection of ladies.

The Team
Growing up, we’ve always heard that there was no “I” in team. I mean were the Chicago Bulls REALLY a good team or was Michael Jordan just the man? Common, could they really win without him? I guess the best examples of teams are the Detroit Pistons, the New England Patriots, or even New Edition. I mean Bobby left, they replaced him with Johnny and the group still went platinum and made more than $1.87. (If you guys didn’t watch the New Edition behind the music last week, you really missed out on some comedy). Anyway, I say all of this because “Teams” are great! They win championships because they are unselfish and the individuals on the team are interchangeable. Ladies, if you are a borderline 7 or even a 6, then your best bet at catching a black man is to get a TEAM.

Ladies since I know you’re wondering, your group of girlfriends would be considered a team if:

You all go out to a bar and NEVER break-up. This basically means no one in the group can rack up more men on stand-alone basis than the group itself.
1.When someone goes to the bathroom you all go.
2.When someone wants to dance, you all go dance, together if you have to.
3.When just one person is ready to leave EVERYONE leaves.
4.When a guy approaches he always comes with at least another friend or two for backup.
5.You all have set plays or signals of when to look at or approach a guy.
6. You all take tequila shots and multiple ones at that.
7.A guy calls a lady on the team to see what “they” and not what “she” is doing. Ladies, if a brotha calls and he says something to the effect like “what are “ya’ll” getting into tonight?” he doesn’t want to just kick it with you.

The Squad
When the fellas talk about this collection of females, it’s basically in reference to something pretty awesome. I mean the UNLV Running Rebels, The Fab Five (Michigan Wolverines w/Chris Webber) and LA Lakers (the Pat Riley Era) were squads. Ladies you know you got a squad when:

1.It’s rare that you all are out together. This is so true b/c it’s really hard to replicate a squad, night in and night out. The 2005 NCAA champion UNC Tarheels basketball team were the closest thing to a squad in years and guess what, they are no more. They are all going to get drafted in the first round though.
2.When the squad is together it’s for some really big event like NBA All-Star Weekend, the Essence Fest, Soror # 47, #50, or whatever line sister’s wedding. Ladies if your girl (whose probably an 8 or above) goes to some big event w/o even asking you, then it’s highly likely she called up the other girls (who are 8’s) and created a squad.
3.Each squad member goes her separate way upon entering the club/bar. Sometimes this isn’t intentional, it’s just a natural occurrence. Usually when a squad gets to a club, they are immediately picked off “one by one” buy that guy who they used to or want to date. I think squad members do this just so they don’t get constantly hit on by brothas.
4. Everyone in the squad is pretty bourgeois. When squads walk through the club it’s like a red carpet was rolled out for them. Have you noticed how every member in the squad is always looking straight ahead? They never look from side to side or directly at you, yet they KNOW you are looking at them. Squads are definitely nice to look at but not really FUN! I aint gonna lie though, I’ll take a 1st rounder any day. More shameless pub for the NFL Draft Edition coming soon.
5. Everyone in the group brings their A-Game. Duh! This sort of goes without saying right?
6.You all go to multiple clubs during a given night. Some of you may ask how, given the cost and the long lines. Well it’s easy, a squad is a collection of talent and talent gets in for free everywhere! Squads are like celebrities they don’t go out, the make appearances.

The Crew
I’ve got to give my ace J Jackson credit for putting the word crew into my everyday vernacular. Over the years, we have seen our share of teams and squads, but let me tell you there is nothing like a Crew.

1.A crew is a collection of solid 7s and 8s who are just super cool and always having fun. Quietly some crews have a couple of 9s and maybe even a dime too.
2.They come and play DJ at your house warming party and just rip it up (shout out to Ms Maples and A. Johnson of “Legends of the Fall” fame).
3.Crews are so famous that brothas around the country go “yeah I heard about the Texas Pimps”.
4.Brothas talk about individuals in the Crew like they were legends. Brothas say things like “she used to wear these nice black pants and she was smart as hell” Sorry, but the true rattler brothas reading this edition know exactly whom I am talking about. And yes Eb she is in Atlanta and she goes to your hair salon. Holla at me.
5Everyone in a crew is like your sister, but would easily GET IT at the same time.
Members of the crew have just as many “girlfriends” as they do “guy-friends”. There are no real “cat fights” in crews. Everyone is just way too cool to let that happen.
6.Unlike squads, when the crew walks into the club they are sending shouts out and giving hugs to everyone.
7.The crew can go out at the drop of a dime. Basically it doesn’t take a tremendous effort to round up the crew. Crews don’t sit there and beg their members to go out, the members are sitting there ready for the “when and where” are we going call.
8.A crew always has a stable of men they can call up at any time. Some crews have things like “dinner” parties and Soul-food Sunday’s where they know brothas are going to show up. Hey T-Dog, I guess you, Carlos, and me would be considered a stable huh?

We Play to Win The Game
Herm Edwards, head coach of the NY Football Jets, will go down in history for telling reporters after a loss that his team “played to win the game”. He got some flak about it from the media, but I don’t understand why. I mean the man was spitting straight up game. Herm is a legend and I say to Herm, “game recognize game” brotha!

To the ladies trying to catch a “good” black man, I say you have to go out there on them streets to WIN and not just to play. There is a DIFFERENCE. You see, most of the time brothas enjoy playing the GAME. Hence the popular quote “don’t hate the player, hate the game”. Brothas like to (i) drink, (ii) get our dance and grind on (iii) tell a few lies just too see what could happen, and (iv) get the occasional win (the digits or sending some lucky lady to the chiropractor—i.e. knocking her back out). I mean brothers can go 1 for 10 and still walk away feeling like a winner. Ladies if this is what you like then “enjoy yourself”, because it is truly a “celebration”. However, if you want that trophy, a man, then I suggest you stop playing the game and focus on WINNING THE GAME!

Playing versus Winning
Just so you don’t make mistakes, here is a list of scenarios that are just too playful followed by some advice on how to turn it into winning.

1. Working Out “All the mocha latees u got to do palatees after the party meet me in the lobby now and maybe, we can work it out……..kanye west

Ladies I applaud your efforts for getting in the gym and toning up the body, I really do. However, I cannot applaud the disturbing trend of the “bootie sweater”. White women are the biggest culprits of this but I’ve seen a number of sisters follow in their footsteps. The bootie sweater is any article of clothing that females use to wrap around their waste in an effort to hide the bootie. Why? Arghhhhh, how I hate that! Stop playing with brothas and do like them boys from UGK would say, “Let me see it”.

2. That Thong, That Thong The, Thong Thong, Thong
We love the tooth-floss bikinis and g-strings. We really, really do. But Ladies, don’t be playing with brothas by only having one pair. I mean my favorite color is butt-naked, but I’m okay with a little variety.

3. The Miscellaneous Signals
In today’s world women and men are equal or at least we’re trying to get there. Gone are the days of expecting a man to pick up on some bull$hit eye signals. Basically, if you see something you want, then step up and go and holler at a brotha. I mean, what, are ya’ll too good to holler at a brotha. “Good” Brothas have been the subject of too many:

a. Disses and every brotha in this distribution list has had one that he’ll never forget
b. “Let me call you back b/c my mom’s on the other line” OR
c. “You’re a really nice guy, but” (see the stupid things they say edition)

Just think, if you go and talk to that one brotha you’re interested in, then you won’t have to worry about all the miscellaneous dudes that step to you all night, ruining your club experience. Oh yeah, if you’re saying to yourself that TDRS is weak by expecting women to talk to guys, then I guess I am. Just holla at me when your “strong” man cheats on you or when you find out he’s been cheating on you since he stepped to you that night at the club.

4. Talking $hit
I can’t count how many times I’ve heard stuff like “you can’t handle this” or “my stuff is this and that” or “your stuff is only yea big”. If you are this type of female, please stop the madness. As my boy T-Dog would say “don’t write a check that you know a brotha can’t cash”. Btw, for those ladies who feel the need to tell a brotha, Dr Phil, Oprah or whomever that he wasn’t good in bed, let me just tell you that WE don’t care. We already got the bootie! That’s all that really matters, right? If you wan’t to be effective with your words, just say something like, “I slept with your best friend” or something. FYI, if anyone sleeps with one of my boys, then I thank you for keeping it in the family. Holla at me!

If you can’t beat em, join em!
Brotha’s are somewhat timid these days, so the ball is in yall’s court to draft your 1st pick. Be Aggressive! Learn from your “Anglo” sistas, because they go after what they want with passion! If ya’ll really think the “few” brothas (the one’s that I guess are so damn special) who end up with the Anglos actually chase or mack, then ya’ll are sadly mistaken. I am not saying go out and “put yourself out there”, I’m just saying meet us at least halfway! The list below details just some of the things “they” do to catch brothas or so I’ve heard.

1. They are always at the gym. Now before my sistas send emails about how they can’t go b/c of the hair, let me finish. Brothas always go to the gym. Anglo women ALWAYS go to the GYM, but it doesn’t mean they are actually Working out. Go and see for yourself!
2. They walk up to brothas and say things like “why aren’t you having any fun”? Of course this is not what they are really asking. What they really want to know is “do you want to have fun with them”. They just flip the script and before a brotha knows it, he’s on the dance floor committing the worst sin in history, “dancing with a white chic at a majority black establishment”.
3. “Headsprung” by LL Cool J is their national anthem and I’ll just leave it at that!
4. When the “check” comes, they actually make somewhat of an attempt to reach for it. I mean you don’t have to pay, just give us the impression you were thinking about it by doing the lean like you were about to pick it up.
5. Their roll dog or “team” for that matter is prepared to “SLEEP” with anyone. This is really hard to replicate, I know, but it is pretty darn effective. I mean how can you turn it down when her girl is willing to hook up your wingman.

HollaAtYaBoy!

The Air Up Here, Vol. V - What You Won't Do for . . . Edition

Before I start, I want to shout out my man Ric Simon who has been putting it down EVERY WEEK with that “TDRS.” He may be the hardest working man in the commentary game right now, but you all know I’m still the King of Consonance, the Vizier of the Verb, and the Prince of Prose. Stay tuned for our Blog that will be launching soon, we might just have something special planned for you.

For those of you wondering how I cannot talk about the political landscape after the election, I have another 4 years to talk about what I’m sure will be as equally a display of incompetence and ineptitude as the first term. I haven’t lost the zeal to write about that or make predictions. For those who were eating with me at Amy Ruth’s on 116th back in 2000, you heard me predict that there would probably be a war in Iraq in the 3rd year of your boy’s term. I said it sincerely hoping that it wouldn’t come true; however, I watched in horror as my worst fears were confirmed. Although I don’t attend church as regularly as I used to, I am still reminded of that passage “Your young men will see visions, your old men will dream dreams.” Maybe that was mine. I will, however, put off talk about the political landscape because these other issues are paramount to what is happening in my life right now. I look toward the future with grave concern. Lately, I find myself wondering more and more just what type of world will my children grow up in? (Yes, Mama, I do want some. No, I haven’t done anything that should raise your concerns about being a grandmother yet.) With that said, here is the 2005 Love Edition, Part 2. By the way, this one of those print out and take with you editions.

1. THE LINE. “I’ve got my finger / On the trigger / I’m gonna pull it / Then we gon’ see / What’s the deal . . .” What if you were on the verge of having everything that you ever wanted in life? It is so close to you that you can almost touch it, almost taste it. There is only one catch. To possess it you must do something that you said you never would do. If it were that close to finally being yours, would you step over the line and claim or let it drift off into the ether?

For those of you that have seen Bedazzled (not a movie that I am recommending) it is analogous to making a deal with the devil. You ask him to make you irresistible to women, and he does, but he also makes you gay. You ask him to make you rich and he does, except that he turns you into a drug lord and the Feds are closing in on you. Yes, you can have what you want, but there may literally be hell to pay. Once again, what would you do? It’s one of those situations where you have crossed the line and compromised in little ways in the past to obtain what you want. However, if you keep crossing the line and crossing the line, step-by-step you journey so far away from what you once held as your core that you are not the same person. How do you recognize when you have gone beyond compromising in certain circumstances to totally being compromised? Culture Club (pick up that Greatest Hits album, it’s fire) had a song named “Time” that stated “Time won’t give me time / and Time makes lovers feel like they have something real / but you and me you know we have nothing but time / and Time wont give me time." How do you know that what you have purposed in yourself all these years is what you what you really want or need now? Is it really your heart’s desire or has it been what Thoreau would characterize as your “myopic only” for so long that you do not know that something else may be better for you. There comes a point in everyone’s life when they will be standing at the proverbial crossroads wondering what direction to take. Usually there are a few points. Even in my short time here I can look back on 3 or 4 situations that if I had taken a different course of action, said or not said something, my life would be dramatically different from the one I am living now. I am sure that if you take honest inventory of your lives you will see the same.

Right now something that I have wanted, that I have longed for, that I have worked hard to obtain is standing right before me. All I have to do is cross that line one more time. However in the process of getting to this point, I have crossed the line so many times already that I am afraid that if I get what I want that will ultimately be disenchanted with it because of what I have become and what I had to do in the process. Throughout our lives we all make compromises, we all sellout a little bit; whether it be for family, jobs, relationships, or money. Regardless of if you admit it or not, you know it’s true. The question is how much is enough and how far is too far? When does it get to the point that you have lost your principles, lost your values, lost your soul? When does it reach the point where that victory that you think you have gained is in every sense of the word “Pyrrhic?” I would appreciate your comments on this one.

2. WHAT ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS? My favorite quote lately goes, “Just as darkness doesn’t come all at once, neither does oppression. There is always a period of twilight in which we must be most on guard for the winds of change, lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.” Former Chief Justice William O’Douglas was referring to civil liberties when he made those comments, but for me it has taken on a different meaning lately. It perfectly encapsulates the way that I view friendship and it should define the way anyone regards his or her friendship with me. There are times when everyone’s friendships are tested. Will they bend and snapback or will they be irrevocably broken, forever shattered? Most people would agree that I am a pretty nice individual; being a guy, this is possibly the worst character trait to have. In friendships and relationships people have wrong me and depending on the egregiousness of the offense, I would normally just let it slide. However the hurt remained and pain persisted. As the years rolled by and the offenses started to accumulate, I reached the point where I usually ended-up telling the offending party to go “Cheney” themselves and lose my contact information. They were left in a bewildered state wondering, “What happened? He was so nice just yesterday.” What they failed to realize is that what happened at that moment was just the tipping point; the underlying cause of my outburst was the cumulative effect of those incidents over the years. To explain it in parable form, each offense was like a cut. Although the cuts heal, scars still remain. Over time if you keep opening the same wounds they will not heal and that friendship that you once held dear is laying on the ground bleeding to death. (I know the imagery is slightly gruesome, remind me not to write after watching Nip/Tuck).

The salient takeaway from this is not that friends do not make mistakes and shouldn’t be forgiven, because they do and they should. What I am trying to convey is that you should take care of your friends, cherish them, covet them, do not take them for granted. Those seemingly innocuous offenses add up and just because someone forgave you in the past and let it slide does not mean they will do so in perpetuity. Furthermore, I implore you to take better care of yourself. If you are the individual that is usually accommodating to others wrongs, I ask you to purge those individuals from your life. I know that if may be hard especially if it involves a family member, a romantic relationship, or a friendship that has spanned many years. Yet, you must honestly ask yourself what is that friendship doing for me now? If the answer is “nay-thing” then in the words of Teddy Pendergrass, “I think (you) better let it go.” Sometimes you must be “selfish” in the most positive sense of the word. You must look out for what is best for you. If those individuals in your life aren’t helping you to strive for excellence, achieve greatness, or move on up to the Eastside, then you need to keep on moving without them.

3. TALES FROM THE DISTRICT. Since I have moved to the DC area, I have been taking public transportation almost exclusively and traveling quite a bit for my job. These are just a few observations from my journeys.

On the Metro:
a. I’ve noticed a stark difference between the individuals on the Metro that walk up the escalator and those that do not (Picture the difference between Tyson Beckford and Charles Barkley). Those of you that are familiar with the DC Metro know that it is so far underground at some stations that it is like descending into the depths of hell, but the distance makes coming up the steps a pretty challenging workout in the morning. It is one of those small things that you can do to improve your health without trying too hard. With the epidemic rates of obesity in this country, I would advise everyone to get moving.

b. I am more than happy that everyone exercises proper hygiene by taking a shower in morning. However please do not douse yourself in a scented product if you are going to ride the train. When I step on the Metro each morning, I am instantly greeted by an amalgam of fragrances consisting of Old Spice, Hi-Karate, Stetson, hair spray, Vicky Secrets body lotion, and numerous other aromatics. Separately these products may not be that bad, but collectively they represent a veritable Chernobyl on the Yellow Line. I have one word for those that utilize public transportation: UNSCENTED. Learn this word, love this word, and buy products that have it prominently displayed. Trust me, everyone on the train/bus will thank you for it. However if you are determined to break out the Cool Water cologne, please do so after you get to the office.

At the Airport:
a. The low cost of cell phones may be the worst thing that has happened to civilization, as we know it. Now that the airlines let individuals use their cell phones as soon as the plane touches down (and are considering in-flight use, perish the thought) people seem compelled to fire them up to let Pookie know that they will be at baggage claim shortly. Guess what? I don’t care what restaurant you and Pookie will be going to when you leave the airport. I have the same feelings concerning the fact that your Grandma lost her dentures. Could not those conversations have waited until you reached the concourse? This is not 1985, when people were carrying around those big brick cell phones on their hips that rivaled the size of Radio Raheem’s boom box. No one cares that you have a cell phone no matter if it’s diamond crusted, ice-out, and frosty. They are just not status symbols anymore. So please keep the conversations to a minimum and the cell phones in your pockets on vibrate. Thank you.

b. I have figured out why the airline industry is struggling. There is obviously an institutionally inherent lack of competent leadership at the top, which leads to spectacularly horrific service provided to the end customer. First, they herd you onto the plane like a bunch of cattle into a seat that is only comfortable for someone under 5’5” and 140lbs. If you are over 6’ you will have a brand (just like cattle) on your legs at the conclusion of your flight where the seat in front of you has cut into your kneecaps. They then proceed to feed you grains (pretzels and snack mix) for any flight less than 3 hours. They lose your luggage, overbook flights, and make you suffer through numerous other indignities; yet are baffled when the customers have beef with them. There are two airlines that shall remain nameless except to say that one has the Southeast on lock and the other does quite a bit a business in the City of Brotherly Love. For the past two major holidays and my past two business trips these airlines have failed to get me out the day (not the time), the day that I was supposed to travel even though I am one of those people that arrives at the airport three hours early for domestic flights; or they have stranded me a location that was not my final destination. All I can say is that the airlines need to get it together or I see some serious government oversight on their horizons.


4. SOUNDTRACK OF MY LIFE. Once again the songs that in some way shaped this column.

“Lord U Know” by Cam’ron. The fact is that I will never purchase a Cam’ron album. I think it has something to do with his affinity for pink coupled with his wanton use of the phrase “no homo” at the end of every other sentence (if you’ve seen recent interview you know what I mean). However, he is always good for one (and only one) blazing track per album. With an assist from Jaheim he puts it down on this track. I like the line, “It wasn’t 9-1-1 / But it was 9-1-1 / Gave him 9 plus 1 / Dropped the dime dun / Told him get his 9 and run.” You have to admit that it is a nice mix of imagery and a deft use of consonance.

“Someday We’ll All Be Free” by Donny Hathaway. This song done by the Howard alumnus just helps me to keep my sanity. Although the story goes, that he broke down after hearing the mix of the final version.

“She Got Kids” by Lyfe Jennings. Unlike that “Baby Mama” song by Fantasia, which I think is one of the worst things to ever grace the radio period, this song is a refreshing change of pace. It adroitly captures the internal struggle, the range of emotions, and the myriad of decisions that men confront when considering whether or not to date a woman that already has children. I found it to be very poignant and timely (don’t ask). The song is beautifully arranged and the message finds the perfect pitch. If you haven’t heard it, I would definitely recommend that you check it out.

“Kill” by Jimmy Eat World. This has nothing to do with the song above for you Pro-Lifer’s out there. The title is a metaphor for the lengths that we will go to for the individual that we consider “the one.” (Look for a whole column on that soon). The sentiment of the song is perfectly summed-up in the last line, “I know what I should do / But I just can’t turn away.”

“I Still Luv You” by T.I. This is kind of like his version of “My Public Apology” that I dropped two editions ago. I give him credit because it takes courage to put your life on display in that manner. “Three kids in two years / Baby, daddy panicked.” Wow!

“Sideways” by Santana (feat. Citizen Cope). “Cause diamonds they fade / And flowers they bloom / But I’m telling you / That these feelings won’t go away.”

“What You Won’t Do for Love” by Bobby Caldwell. Probably the best from the original King of Blue-eyed Soul. Still a favorite, an all-time favorite.

“Might As Well Be Strangers” by Keane. I was listening to this song when I got some news that changed my life. This song and the whole album also helped to get through it. I highly recommend the album if your musical tastes vary beyond the standards of BET and MTV.

That is all for now. Your feedback and comments are always welcomed. Until next time, be good to yourselves and others.

--AIR © 2005

TDRS-THE D/L COMING OUT EDITION

What up folk! It’s Ya Boy and I’m coming at you like a Roger Clemens fastball, straight to the head. Speaking of baseball, I’d like to send a special thanks to all those who hit me back on the Baseball Edition. It was another smash hit, no pun intended. Anyways, I have to say the pimps, my ladies, had much to say and some of their comments/questions are detailed below along with remarks from TDRS. Oh yeah a big shout out to all the new readers out there (B. Holcomb, M. Thames, J Knox, M. Graves-the one I let get away, J Reid, Altheia, and my new homie craven morebrew). Holla!

Mailbag:

Ric,
I must say that the Pitchers and Catchers edition of TDRS is my favorite to date...mainly b/c it is the one that I can identify with the most. ……….Alright now my question has to do with the "holding the runner" move of "wrapping the hair in a nice silk scarf." I'm always puzzled by this. What is a girl that wants to "come with her A game" -as you put it- to do? I have two choices: (a) I can go to bed with no scarf, look and feel sexy, and then wake up looking a hot damn mess for the next day, or I can (b) wrap my hair, not feel too sexy when (if it is for losers) somebody tries to start something, but still be alright the next day. So you see the dilemma we are facing. I'm interested in hearing your expert opinion……..I. Holmes

My friend there is a very simple solution. Go to bed looking sexy, option A so that you will be guaranteed some action (if not you know where I live). As my boy J Jackson would say, “put it on him” and knock him out, then get up and wrap the hair up. Problem solved. Holla!
These joints is really worldwide now. I forward them out to Shanghai!!! ……J Reid Once again I ask myself, "How does he know that?"….I. Keke
Your "bar etiquette" is so true. I could tell that you had it down to an art whenwe were at Django, and that was shortly after I first met you! When I walked in the packed house and saw you and Terrance propped up at prime location, I thought "How in the hell did they get such a good spot.They are pros." Guess you all brought your A-game……N Kimes

Designated Hitters
Technical Definition: A player designated at the start of a game to bat instead of the pitcher in the lineup.

Street Example: A lot of times, we ladies meet men who have excellent pedigree (and Lord knows I'm a sucker for pedigree), but for whatever reasons, he can't get it. Let's call him the pitcher. Typically, we know that the pitcher will never make it to home plate for a chance to bat within, oh, say 10 minutes of meeting/talking with him. Yet, we know that he is an excellent addition to the team for various intellectual and/or superficial reasons that I won't go into right now. Suffice it to say, we want to keep him on the team.

What to do?
The strategy is to employ a designated hitter, and oddly enough, it falls in line with "Holding The Runner" in this edition. In this way, the Pitcher gets the pleasure and all of the benefits of playing for the Lady's team, while sparing him the awful embarrassment of having to perform as a hitter (since we've already figured out that he can't get it). Occasionally, a pitcher is allowed to step up to the plate and swing. If he knocks the ball out of the park the 1st time, he can be assured that the designated hitter will either (a) be traded to another team or (b) only step up to the plate every once in a while going forward. Of course, option a is preferred. However, if he only garners a base hit, the designated hitter's position is secured and the pitcher will either (a) be returned to the line up or (b) traded to another team. The quality of his pitching determines which is preferable………E Troupe
It warms my heart knowing you're spreading the "Just Be Honest" Gospel to the rest of the world :)……Steph T.

Ah, TDRS all I can say is that thanks to your witty banter I have a new found appreciation for "America's Favorite" Past time! Heck by the time you are done, I may be watching back to back episodes of Sports Center! (da da dum da da dum)

Now on another note, I have a request well not really a request it's more like a PSA for the single women of Atlanta. Check it a bunch of us were having a discission about various things we have seen men in Atlanta either do, have on hand at the crib or places that they go - that sparked the following question....Metrosexual or Bia Tendency? As you very well know being a single black women living in Atlanta aka the San Fran of the South East I think this topic warrants your discussion. I realize that this topic may be a little sensitive but seriously as single females we need to be able to distinguish between when to give a brotha a pass for practicing new age metrosexualism vs giving them points toward DL credit. Believe me Sista's here are definitely looking at every black man in Atlanta and keeping a score card! In case you are a little confused by the types of things we are talking about here are some examples:

-Brothas that use Pantene Pro V shampoo (now at first glance my inclination is to give the brotha DL credit but upon talking to some other sisters and brothas I've found that quite a few brothas use shampoos like Pantene).

-Brothas that keep wine at the crib and drink it to unwind after work (Now I feel bad that I have to use the race card on this one 'cause if this was a white guy I wouldn't have even given this a second thought but when a brotha is unwinding with a bottle of Chardonnay or Merlot instead of Heinie's or Yak the sirens start to sound!!!).

-Brothas who use body washes like Oil of Olay, etc. instead of bar soap (Again, it's sad to say in this day and age that a brothas choice of soap draws speculation about their sexual preference!!!! But having surveyed many brothas and sisters this too seems to be a popular trend!!!) ……..Yasmine


Let’s Kick The Ballistics
So I was banging my head last week again wondering what the heck I was going to hit you with this week and boom, I get that last email from my girl Yas concerning this whole “Down Low” thing. Yas had a few things to say about brothers on the DL and I understand her concerns. HOWEVER, TDRS has a few things to say about the DL and I just got’s to let you know my thoughts………

First of all I have to pull Oprah’s “Harriet Tubman” card for sending brothers back a couple of years as opposed to forward. I guess she thought it was cool to uncover the modern “underground railroad” that a SMALL number of black men are using today. Just when we were getting hot again, (Ricky Martin sent the Latinos back a few years allowing us to make a strong comeback) Oprah comes out with her DL show, which was followed up by an episode on Law & Order SVU on the same topic. And then MTV has the nerve to put an otherwise ordinary looking brother on THE REAL WORLD, who turned out to be a PUNK (I don’t use this word often but if you watched any episode you can clearly see that my characterization of him fits perfectly). Even worse, this cat attended (of course he didn’t graduate) the, as my boy G Tate so eloquently says, “The Florida Normal College for Negroes”, my beloved FAMU. For those rattlers out there, I guess he resided on the sixth floor of Gibbs Hall huh? Compounding all of this was ole boy’s book, something titled “On the Down Low: Straight Men who sleep with other Men”. Absolutely ridiculous! TDRS says:

If you are a man choosing to sleep with another man, then guess what? YOU ARE Straight Up GAY! I am not a Gay basher or homophobe, I am just telling you what you are. You are still a human being and all that, but I have to pull your MAN card!

Oh yeah, I am still pissed that everyone got pissed at the late NFL Great-Reggie White, when he said you can’t compare the gay/lesbian struggle to the black civil rights struggle in the 60s. Last time I checked unless a gay/lesbian opened their mouth and said what their “sexual orientation’ was, NO ONE WOULD KNOW. Everyday that I, or any of the many black and/or female readers of TDRS go to work EVERYONE knows WHAT WE ARE AND THERE IS NO HIDING THAT FACT! We can’t keep it on the Down Low even if we tried.

If you are a Woman sleeping with another Woman (automatic 1.5 point upgrade on the Universal Ratings Scale) then “give me your number, I’ll call and me and the boy’s will follow you and your girl to the mall”….”….To the mall”.

R. Kelly was right when he released his infamous “Keep it on the down low” track a few years ago. I, for one, would rather these bia’s keep their business on the down low. These brothers DO need to let their partners (male or female)“know”, but I frankly don’t care or need to know! Don’t ask, Don’t Tell was absolutely brilliant!

Moreover, I’d like to say that I am “pissed to the highest of pisstivity” at these reports of ladies not knowing that a brotha was on the D/L. How many “bias” can there be out there? I’m sorry, but every time I go out in Atlanta there is enough “meat” in the clubs/bars to take Jimmy Dean, Tyson, and Purdue Chicken out of business. TDRS just doesn’t get it. Ludacris clearly doesn’t get it either as evidenced by his classic words of “Too many niggas, not enough hoes” on the “Game Got Switched” track.

I was going to try to come up with ways that women can spot a “bia” in this TDRS, but you know what I can’t and I’m really happy that I can’t. I lived in the “hottest” city in the country or the world for that matter, San Francisco, and I honestly didn’t learn anything about “bias” out there. Now I’m in what some people call the Black San Fran, Atlanta GA and I still haven’t learned anything here either. I tell you what though. I do know how to be a straight up brotha, no pun intended here and I can talk about this for days.

The past few columns have been totally geared towards the ladies, but it’s time to, as Chris Rock says, “To Keep it Real” in this edition. It’s time for brothas to “Come Out” and show our true colors, “the red, the black and the green, you sissies”. H.G-Tate, they don’t feel me on that X-clan verse do they?

“Go on and Be a Dog, Dog” You wanna be treated right, see father mc Or check ralph tresvant, for sens-a-tiv-i-ty See I am not the one, I got more game than parker brothersPhife dog is on the mic and I’m smooth like butter . . .

Fellas, for whatever reason, we have been too nice and let our guard down with these ladies and the repercussions have been straight up serious. Oprah is “hatin” on us. The Media is “hatin” on us and our black women are just confused by us right now. The following is a multi-step guide to resolve this confusion. Ladies if you read this and say to yourselves, this happens to me all the time, then rest assured you are dealing with some straight up brothas and not a “BIA”.

Remember your ABC’s. “Always Be Closing”
1.If she’s cute (sorry a 7 or above) try to cut it.
2.If she’s got a man, try to cut it anyway. “If she’s married then I wouldn’t go there”. Trying to sleep with a woman who has a boyfriend, however, is not breaking a “Commandment”. And Eb, I don’t have any vendettas against anyone…Ha!
3.If she says she’s not interested try to cut one of her friends.
4.If her friends aren’t interested try to cut one of her friends’ friends.
5.Once you cut one of the friends’ friends, then go back and try to get with her again. Quietly you’ll probably have better luck on the second time around. Remember how Dewayne was all crazy for Denise on the 1st season of A Different World? Instead of continuing to cry over Denise, he went for one her girls and he hit the jackpot with Whitley.
5.If you’re married or in a relationship then every time your girl walks around you please grab her a$$.
6.If she’s a friend, always let it be known that you would cut her at a drop of dime. For all of my female friends out there, I shouldn’t have to say this, but you would ALL get it and twice on Sunday, once after the morning service and again right after or before the 11 o’clock service. Btw, I’ve got to say that I have some pretty nice looking female friends. Is it luck or is it strategy? I’ll let ya’ll marinate on that one.
7.Dance with all of your female friends at least once, especially when they’ve had a couple of “non” fruity drinks. Use this as an opportunity to grab that a$$ and everything else that you can. The best song to do this to is “Scrub da Ground” by them boys from “Palm Beach Co, one stop from the bottom”, Splak Pak! Pronounced “splike pike” for you non-booty listeners out there.
8.Every morning she should wake up to some hard throbbing object strategically placed on her “beautiful brown round”. Sorry I got some “high” yellow and “low” black ladies (see the Monday night video edition) on this list, so” brown” round can be replaced with whatever you are.
9.If she’s not trying to give it up, then leave her. I know this sounds harsh but fellas this doesn’t mean she aint giving it up, it REALLY means she doesn’t want to give it up to you. Take what you can get and worry about the stuff you got to work for later.

Don’t fall for the “what would a good guy do” bull. “She finally played me, but yo, I’d find another Cause I got the crazy game and yo, I’m smooth like butter”…Fife Dog!

I don’t know if it is b/c of Hollywood or what, but as I said in the “Stupid Things Women Say” edition, “Nice guys don’t finish last, THEY DON’T FINISH”! There are so many things men are doing out there that they think is all sweet and nice, and that they (ladies) care. Fellas they don’t care! They care about what that brotha who they decided they would fu$ck in the first five minutes of meeting him is doing. If she ain’t showing no love then move on and don’t be blowin up her phone every day. It’s okay to let her know that you have some crazy feelings but leave it at that. They know what they want. Am I bitter, you DAMN Right! “Bbbbbbbrrrr what happened to that boy” FOCUS ON WHAT YOU WANT AND THAT IS TO CUT! Don’t fall for the following things:

Letting her sleep in YOUR bed with you when you got a perfectly comfortable couch and extra blankets! Fellas, this is the first step in the wrong direction and ladies you should be ashamed of yourselves if you REALLY expect a man to do this. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Ladies, if you aren’t trying to give it up, then park you’re a$$ on the couch. Also, I’d like to go on record and say that “bia bia’s” just want to sit and snuggle!

Giving her back and/or foot massages for free. Been there and got the t-shirt on this one. Fellas, I got a new rule to follow: If she asks for a massage, then say the going rate is for her to get butt, Bunkie a$$ naked and the towel is to be left in the linen closet. You may not cut, but you’ll be able to see the goods and “feel” her up like Ray Charles on the piano. If she refuses this request, then she really didn’t want a massage anyway, she just wanted to “BITCH” you out. BTW, there is a certain reader out there and you know who you are, that has something of mine and I want it back, my North Carolina sweater! E. Fountain please get off the floor and stop laughing right now.

Going shopping with her. Too many ni$$as out here cowards They be saving dem hoes they be paying them hoes But a ni$$a like me can not go I’m be kickin in doos I be fu$kin dese hoes I be slamin em down like dominoes Bi$ch you didn’t know it’s cb bro In and out dese hoes does like pole….Project Pat

Could be just me, but shopping with a female sucks because all they do is SHOP! Fellas, we purchase and we leave the mall with something. Ladies are content just trying on shoes and clothes and leaving empty handed. Don’t think her taking you shopping is not a big deal, b/c it IS. You can really make or break yourself during this outing. After going through this insane experience a number of times, I’ve figured out that it pays to NOT be the nice guy that just sits there in the “man” chair and say things like “yeah that looks good” and “you should try on this and that”. Remember you are a brotha, so act like one and not one of her girlfriends who she could easily go shopping with. She will get mad at you and might even try to withhold the goodies like her name was FICA, but stay strong. If she withheld too much from you, I guarantee you’ll get some type of refund at some point! This will be discussed in more detail in the NFL Draft Edition coming soon. Ladies if you have a man that really enjoys “shopping” with you and is suggesting outfits like his last name was Versace, then I’d really question if you got a man or a bia bia.

This really hit home when T Dog, L-Boogie, E Troupe, and I went to Nava yesterday (after being straight up negroes by dranking wine at some grand opening of these expensive a$$ Buckhead condos that were starting at @ $250/ft and knowing full well we weren’t trying to buy). Anyway, I think L. Boogie was pulling out her purse and I noticed w/o even seeing a label that is was Kate Spade. Why do I know this? It’s b/c I have done the nice guy thing and went solo into a Kate Spade store to buy a really nice gift for a young woman who was secretly trying to “train” or “bia” me out. Was she successful? Let’s just say Ric is single right now and accepting applications!

Hooking a certified URS 8 and above up with another brotha. Unless you are
married or a “bia bia” then keep all the marbles to yourself. Be greedy fellas! Stack as many chips as you can and use them at your discretion. Any dude that is always hooking his boys or random guys up with dimes and he doesn’t have a dime himself is SUSPECT! This is the equivalent of IBM trying to sell me a computer and the sales rep uses a Dell to show me what the computer’s capabilities are.

An even better example is when Florida State brings their football recruits, not to FSU’s campus, but to FAMU’s McGuin-Diamond Hall. Sorry to all the non rattlers for all the FAMU blurbs, but I got one more thing to say. If you were part of the M-D 20/20 step show team from Spring 1993 ya’ll were legendary. Just as legendary as the following sorority lines: AKA-Spr. 95, and 97, and almost EVERY Delta line with a special, special dedication to that “Legends of the Fall” line! Holla at me!

Anyway, Ladies if your man is hooking his boys up with dimes (which means he has dime friends) and you are not one or close to it, I’d really start asking questions. Fellas, there is nothing wrong with hooking your boys up, just make sure you are taken care of first! Oh yeah, before someone says “he may have dime friends, but he doesn’t have what it takes to be with a dime, so he hooks up his boys”, I say get off of that “sticky icky”. Dimes only hang with dudes that are:

(i) no threat to try them
(ii) always there to answer their calls to talk about “other” dudes
(iii) willing to go and get pedicures and manicures with them (if you go with a girlfriend I think this is okay fellas)
(iv) does any of the aforementioned and has absolutely no plan of action on how to use this to their advantage. (This is the clincher point)

Now if a guy fits any of these point above and he hangs with a dime, even if he can’t “have” one, I SAY HE IS A BIA BIA!

Metro-sexuals versus Bia Bia’s
Ok you all asked for it and TDRS needs to definitely set the record straight. I’m not one to shy away from being called out so here I go. If you want to put TDRS in a category then I suppose you can call me a metro-sexual. If a metro-sexual is a guy that:

1.Goes to the dentist to make sure his teeth remain in his mouth.
2.Has some sort of art gracing his walls that could actually appreciate in value one day, further fattening his pockets. Jamal, I’ll give you 100 bucks for that Sade portrait.
3.Uses facial cleanser to prevent oneself from doing paid t.v. ads for pro-activ
4.Chooses to live in the most urban areas (the marina, buckhead, midtown, deep elum, etc) of major metropolitan cities
5.Can cook a nice meal and a number of desserts from scratch. Let me just say there is nothing like the look on a female’s face the first time you “from scratch” bake her a cake or anything for that matter.
6.Has a stash of two or three wines in the kitchen. Ladies you should be scared of these brothas b/c (we) these brothas have a plan and that is to mistakenly find a pair of your draws in (our) his laundry the next week. Oh yeah TDRS and his boys keep a BAR and if any of you ladies (ones who want to get down) want to come over (at your own risk, of course) to check it out then please swing by 2479 Peachtree Rd.
7.Washes his hair with actual hair shampoo as opposed to (i) soap (irish spring, dial, or heaven forbid the Winn Dixie private label brand), (ii) plain water or (iii) not washing his hair at all, then YES I AM a Metro-Sexual.

HollaAtYaBoy!

TDRS-THE MONDAY NIGHT VIDEO RANT

So my favorite columnist these days, besides my boy Eric Fountain (“The Rattlesnake”) who is a fellow contributor to the HollaAtYaBoys blog site (coming soon) is Bill Simmons from page 2 on ESPN.com. During the NCAA tournament Bill did a running column of the games and random events with his boys. Well I am going to be like the Japanese and take his idea and make it better. I’d like to be the first man in history to write a running column of my night of watching videos on MTV Jams (MTV J), MTV 2, VH1 Soul, and BET Hip Hop (“Bet HH”). This is going to require some serious typing speed, but I think I can do it. Some of you don’t watch videos, so this might not mean much to you. However, for those of you who watch videos to either (a) feel black again (as I had to do in San Fran for years b/c I saw maybe one or two "folks" a day) or (b) catch up on the hottest tunes (b/c program radio stinks!), then you will hopefully read this and better understand my random life.

I’m starting with BET Hip Hop, channel 276 for those who enjoy spending $100 bucks a month for the platinum package through Comcast. Let me just say Comcast is getting away with murder. If there was ever a situation where Anti Trust regulations failed, it was in the cable industry! These cocky bastards at Comcast even tried to acquire Disney last year! Anyway…….”Is that yo Chic” with Memphis Bleek and Missy is on BET HH.
1. Okay, how many people have been burned by a Memphis bleek album?
2. Black Rob-“Whoa” just followed the Memph Bleek video….
3. Absolutely ridiculous song. This song was THE headbanger for 1999-2000.
4. Where is Black Rob anyway?
5. Did anyone buy the Black Rob album?
6. What’s up with Puffy and this semi truck in the video? Speaking of, that Pespi commercial during the Superbowl with Carson Daley was soo wack.
7. Why do these videos try to make Brooklyn look so clean?
8. Does Puff have to have fireworks in every video?
9. What’s funny is that there aren’t any real cameos in this video.
10. Turning the channel to MTV Jams right now……
11. Are u kidding me, it’s the TI “you don’t know me” video Chopped and Screwed.
12. Why do we have Chopped and Screwed videos? Did all the brothers in Houston ride the short yellow school bus?…….“My name is Lil Darrel”! If you don’t listen to Rickey Smiley then you won’t understand.
13. Big Ups to TI for representing where he is really from. No buildings or video shoot in Buckhead. TI is straight up representing the SWATS.
14. Okay this chopped and screwed version is really bugging me right now. I mean if a song is chopped and screwed, is it the same length as the regular song? Just wondering because I swear this video has been on about a half hour.
15. Wow I just saw dat niggie DAZ from the DoggPound in TI’s video. Yo “she got the bomb ass pu$$y”. Classic song from back in the day when Snoop and crew were “crushing the buildings”.
16. Okay the Baby “Get yo shine on” video is on. Insanity!
17. Baby just said “and my momma “Ms Gladys”? Why don’t black folk say Ms, Mrs, or Mr and the actual last name of the person in question? Why do we have to always be “kriss krossed” and do things the opposite way?
18. How did Lil Wayne end up with Nivea? I mean I know he’s paid, but come on. He does really make this video hot though.
19. Hey Russell Simmon’s ghetto ass wife is in this video. She’s ghetto but she’d STILL get it! Isn’t she like 6’5 and Russell is like 5’6?
20. I swear every cash money video features some clip of them on that bridge right before you get into New Orleans. ….Okay enough of the MTV Jams…
21. I am watching VH1 Soul right now……
22. The “Soldier” song by Destiny’s Child is on.
23. Damn Beyonce’s sister Solange is as pregnant as Grace Jones was in Boomerang before she gave birth to that bottle of Stranze perfume. Why couldn’t I have been Beyonce’s sister’s baby daddy? And, before anyone says anything I would have at least waited until she was “of age”. Half her age plus seven is the rule, right Haas G Tate? Btw, it’s the higher of your little sister’s age or the above calculation fellas. That said, I can’t go lower than 22. Jamal you’re screwed at 24.
24. How old is Ciara btw? The video isn’t on but her new video is OOOOkay!
25. Anyway, back to the soldier video……I hate Roy Williams (Kelly’s fiancé and safety for the Dallas Cowboys). I mean I played safety in pee-wee football and I didn’t see a "Kelly" type trying to marry me.
26. Kelly please stop!
27. Kelly has really been bringing her A-Game for some time now. Leaving the Popeye’s chicken alone works wonders!
28. Btw, I just found a Popeye’s chicken near Buckhead and I’m pretty hype right now. It’s the same feeling I had when I found that Popeye’s chicken on Divisidero St. in San Francisco for all my Bay area homies!
29. I really think two biscuits should be standard in any Popeye’s meal. And I really shouldn’t have to ask for grape jelly every time either. Jelly is like napkins, so stuff a couple of packets in the box!
30. What is Michelle talking about in the soldier song when she says “He don’t know it may be on tonight"? Maybe on? Michelle, it’s either on or not and don’t you sing gospel songs or something anyway?
31. The 112, “Only You” video is rolling right now.
32. These brothers from 112 will forever be remembered for shooting a video in front of the Waffle House. I now nominate 112 to the "You know your group is ghetto when list.
33. Biggie totally made this song. “Game so tight, they call it virgin!”
34. Actually Biggie really made every song he was on and EVERY Puffy, Lil KIM, and Junior Mafia album as well.
35. The first “112” album was actually pretty good now that I think about it.
36. That Peaches and Cream song was off the hook. I know it wasn’t on the first album, but it was still tight.
37. There is some miscellaneous Vh1 Soul pub and something about the Aids global fund rolling. Speaking of fundraising and I am not being mean, but haven’t they raised ENOUGH money for Tsunami relief? I mean it isn’t like the area was New York City or anything. I can send my twin nephews down there to rebuild the sand castles that were there prior to the disaster. I am getting closer and closer to hell…I know.
38. Yesssss, the Amerie “One Thing” song with Eve is on! Okay, Amerie is probably a solid 8, but she brings her A-Game in this video and almost gets “dime” status. There is only “one thing that got me trippin” right now and that is her legs. As my boy Terrance would say “Cheese and Rice”!
39. Eve would get it too btw. Yes Jamal I guess she IS “hella cute”. As long as she hides the tiger prints, I’m down! Does anyone watch her show on the U Pick a Negro Network? BigUps to the former Ms America and Doritos chick for keeping it real. If I were to marry her, could the sistas really be mad? I mean, once you go UPN, you can never go to NBC (Non Black Channel).
40. Ebony, I really think Amerie says “Na Na Na Na Na Boo” in this song!
41. Okay I can’t watch anymore of this video. Oh no, not the fish net stockings. Oh, not the toss my salad Korean character tattoo on the back. I love this video. I can watch it all day if I had to.
42. Okay this Tweet “Turning Da Lights” off video is on right now….
43. Missy is really losing a lot of weight.
44. She’s losing a lot of weight but still looks the same if that makes any sense.
45. Okay, Tweet has way too many tattoos. She’s a solid 7, but this video brings her to an 8.
46. Can’t she ask Missy for a loan to help her straighten out that front tooth? “Oops” Tweet, you may need to get that fixed. If you need a dentist “Call Me”. It really bugs me every time I watch this video.
47. Do you think Tweet “hooked” Missy up to get on? Just asking!
48. Enough of Tweet and Missy, time to turn back to MTV Jams….
49. Hmmm the Cassidy “I’m a hustler video just went off”. GOOD Riddance! This whole sampling of Jay Z has gone too far.
50. Wu Tang is playing right now……
51. Did anyone ever listen and try to recite Wu Tang lyrics?
52. I just ask b/c I tried and just couldn’t get there. I can quote the Raekwon “Ice Cream” song verbatim though. ….”Me amore, wee wee, bon bons and all that good stuff”. “Oh yeah, shouts out to all the butter pican Ricans for calling me Popi”.
53. I have no idea what they are saying in this song that’s on right now…..oh wait a minute……
54. “I got myself a 40 and I got myself a shorty and I’m about to go and stick it”! I understand that line, I guess. …..….back to BET Hip Hop.
55. There’s a commercial on BET HH right now. Why? MTV J and VH-1 Soul are commercial free. I don’t understand b/c Viacom owns BET and MTV. Inequality never ends!
56. Back to VH1-Soul……..
57. Hey the Carlos Santana and The Product G&B “Maria” song…
58. I used to love the Sesame Street Maria.
59. I think this guy is singing about the Sesame Street Maria.
60. Whatever happened to Maria? What was the Latino dude’s name on the show? I always thought he was trying to get with her.
61. Sorry but did anyone have a Latino friend named Marisol or Guadalupe growing up?
62. I always thought those were a cool names, but that’s just me.
63. This beat is soo tight and the Santana guitar part is absolutely awesome….new song is coming on……
64. Wow, Brand New Heavies: “Brother, Sister”. Okay the woman in the group, I forget her name, but she is solid 9.
65. The white boys in the group will forever be cool.
66. Speaking of, why are all white dudes and a lot of women from the UK cool? I mean they aren’t the most attractive people in the world, but they are always pretty cool.
67. I mean aren’t the girls from Floetry cool? The bigger one is sort of cute in a Jill Scott kinda way, but that’s just me.
68. Back to MTV Jams…….
69. “Get crunk with it, like short said let Bruce Bruce Hit It.” The Ying Yang classic, “Salt Shaker” is on.
70. These guys really love Strippers. Every song has been about stripping or strippers since “Whistle While You Twurk”. Will Twurk be added to the dictionary like “bling bling” any time soon?
71. I guess that’s what happens when you grew up going to the “Pac Jam” and the Rolex. Those from “da bottom (Miami for the clueless)” can only relate to the “Pac Jam”.
72. Speaking of the Pac Jam, I was talking to my girl Spice from J-Ville (or as what FAMUANS refer to as Duvall) and she actually said she had never heard of the “City Boy.” That’s just a shame! Lee Johnson or anyone from the state of Florida will you please educate Ms Davis on the City Boy? Please! Love you like my grandmother’s homemade preserves and biscuits Spice!
73. Brothas always coming up with new things to say…..”Shake it like a salt shaker”. What’s next “flip it like a t.v. channel”? As a matter of fact that’s a good idea right now……
74. Changing channels…..There is no way I am going to turn back and forth and not get the John Legend “Ordinary People” song……especially on VH-1 Soul
75. Nothing on Vh1-soul. Some song and some artist I never heard of.
76. Who’s this K-OS dude? Shouldn’t he be added to the Black Eyed Peas?
77. Wow, just like the radio stations in Atlanta, MTV J and Bet HH are playing the Beenie Seagel song featuring Snoop Dogg simultaneously. Guess I gotta watch one of them huh?
78. Speaking of the radio, don’t we FAMUans or those from that school at the “bottom of the hill (Florida State for the clueless)” miss FM 90.5?
79. Is Snoop Dogg in every video and commercial these days?
80. This Beenie Seagel song is tight btw. I’ll definitely be picking up this album tomorrow.
81. Wow, only one cameo by Jermaine…ooops, Dame Dash! I get the “Napoleon Complex” crew mixed up often.
82. The Mario “How could you” video just came on. Wow this guy has come a long way since the rip off of “just a friend” and the gay a$$ “braid my hair” song.
83. Mario is asking his girlfriend why she dogged him out throughout this video.
84. I don’t think I like this song. Getting cheated on is the worst. Cheating and not getting caught is the best! Can’t wait to hear about this statement.
85. Enough of Mario………
86. Wow the Clipse “Grindin” is on Bet HH. This song was the hottest of all hottest in 2002-2003.
87. This is the beginning of when we really started to get sick of seeing Pharell in videos. And this is like the first time I even saw or actually noticed him in a video.
88. I mean the album was good, but weren’t we all expecting every song to be hot like Grindin on the Clipse album?
89. I love the Chinese dude, Chad of the Neptunes. He just chills and STAYS OUT OF VIDEOS!
90. Okay classic BET, they just cut the Grindin video for a…..Oh my gosh, a BENZINO and Benny Boom video.
91. Okay if you or anyone you know or anyone they know purchased, downloaded or even listened to a Benzino song for more than a minute please send me an email.
92. This song is terrible. A bunch of “high yellow” kids singing some song that I have never heard of. I only said high yellow b/c one of the kids just said it in the video.
93. Who says “high yellow” anyway? I guess I would be Low Black. ….That’s a cool name huh?
94. Do people in Boston even buy Benzino albums?….okay it’s almost 10pm so I need to change the channel quickly.
95. Okay they are playing the same chopped and screwed TI song AGAIN on MTV Jams.
96. Wow. Digable Planets “9th Wonder” from the Blowout Comb album is on VH1 Soul. The second album was soo tight. I’ll be rockin this tomorrow on the way to work.
97. “I’m 68 inches above sea level, 93 million miles above these devils. Play me in the winter, play me in the Summer……”. Lady Bug was so damn cute!
98. Whatever happened to Digable Planets?…….changing the channel AGAIN!
99. The Bobby Valentino “Slow Down” video is on.
100. I really like this song. “Slow down, I just want to get to know you, but don’t you turn around, because that pretty round thing looks good to me”.
101. Is this the dude that sang Blackberry Molasses? Remember that song?
102. “Turn around and bless me with your beauty, cutie.” I’m definitely going to use this when I am on them streets on Friday.
103. This would be really fun if BET Uncut was on right now!
104. Do they post the parental rating guide when uncut is on? Someone needs to b/c its more revealing than the Red Shoe diaries or “Emmanuel episodes 1-16” on Showtime.
105. I’m at line 105 and its like 10:05pm on the dot. It’s amazing how that happened. Clearly, I have no life and I am pretty sure I am going to flunk CFA Level III this year b/c of (i) my boy Jamal forcing me to party and P Jones influencing me to travel to places like Rio and (ii) my need to write you people random, insignificant blurbs about NOTHING. And don’t worry, the classic TDRS will be in your email boxes on Thursday as usual! This was just something to get you going for the week.
HollaAtYaBoy!

TDRS-THE THREE STRIKE RULE EDITION

Once Again it’s on! YaBoy is coming at you “east coast, west coast, and worldwide” straight chopped up and screwed in this edition. Yeah I said world b/c TDRS is now worldwide by way of Cairo, Egypt. Mitch Hopson (my Shanghai roll dog and the self proclaimed “I just know Rico and Jamal” homeboy) is in Cairo Egypt reading the gospel of TDRS! Much love to the new readers (Nicole, Latesa, Ijeoma) and to those loyal readers who keep replying to a brotha and forwarding this ridiculousness to others. Special shout out to LG Tate who shoots these to readers of his critically acclaimed “Air Up There” Column. I’d also like to send a shout out to Ava D. who should have been credited with the Ron Mexico/Valtrex joke. Also, to all those Chi-town natives who were upset about the rip on your city, TDRS says check the following verse: “Keep a O we burnin slow, we optimo, y'all swisher sweetsAnd don't compete, I'm too unique, sit back be quiet when TDRS speaks”…..Pastor Troy-No Play In G.A. Mailbag: Here are a few responses from the “You Can’t Coach That Edition”:

All right there, playa, all right! You know you’re my boy, ‘cause that Mike Jones thing just HAD to be a throw out to me! I’m Mike Jones, (who?), Mike Jones – keep it strong for the Southern fellas!..M Nadhiri

· I have to tell you that I have been cracking up in my office reading this edition. I can barely bill any hours due to me laughing so much. Just wanted to say that this made my week, which has been a long, rough and hard one. Very entertaining! Keep them comin'! …L Bailey
· Thanks for adding me to your list. Your material is hilarious! I would like for you to send me the rating scale, because I keep hearing about it (and honestly, I would like to rate myself!) By the way, I don't get offended by your emails because most of it is true, its just a matter of it applies to you or not. The "he's too short" edition really hit home because I dated a short man (he was shorter than me) for a long time. I keep asking myself "How does he know that?" You are by far the funniest man I have ever met! When I tell my friends about your emails, I equate it to what Carrie's column would have said in Sex in the City if you could have read it. Ok, so... please send me the rating scale and don't stop writing! P.S. I now say "straight cash homey" to people when its appropriate and I crack up every time. Thanks! Oh and your allusions to rap songs by BBD, Mike Jones, and Little Jon are so funny…I. Keke

· As you can tell this TDRS, must have ranked up there to trigger a longer response from me than normal... A-game.... I am in shock that you said that I wasn't matching... I feel reprimanded when I didn't do anything wrong... I read the part about wearing a hat to the club and didn't feel like a "hit dog" then I scroll down and you called me out... Hot DAMn!!! I was very cute (and this is a universal cute, btw) in the club and was getting much play from the market... so WHAT THE HELL!!! And I was matching and looking simply adorable... (you even said so!!!) I am hurt Mr. TDRS (where is My Ric!) …THE END (as I lean back in my chair and do my spoiled bratt arm folding) …….S. Davis

What up, Ric! You are a Fool. I definitely enjoyed this edition of TDRS you have redeemed yourself from the quickie! Or in the spirit of this week's TDRS - dare I say you brought your A game and took me there! Oh my, when you come you really do come hard! Ha, ha. Try not to slip up again, pimp'in. You know sistas have a 3 strike rule - we'll have to discuss this one further the next time I see you in the streets! :-) ……Yasmin

……So I just sent out the A-Game Edition and for some reason I feel pressure to begin work on a new edition today (Thursday April 14). It could be b/c of my new sidekick Yasmin’s reply of how women have a three-strike rule and how in her book I already got one strike (the Casting Stones edition wasn’t long enough). I have heard this whole three-strike rule before and it is very intriguing. I mean if fool me once is shame on you and fool me twice is shame on me, then what is fool me three times? I guess it’s a STRIKEOUT?

This whole three strikes thing is of course affiliated with baseball. I love baseball. As I alluded to in the last edition, I should be making millions right now and it would have been b/c of what we call our national pastime. I am not going to brag on myself, but I really believe God gave me the talent to play baseball. I was awesome and I mean awesome back in the day. However, b/c I slipped up once (I got a D on a project) my dad kept me out of baseball for a season. One measly project! Not a D for the class or a D on a test, but a D on a fuc$kin project.

Clearly, Yasmin’s point about the three strikes has stirred some suppressed feelings. You see growing up my dad basically lived by a modified strike rule, the two-strike rule. In my parents twisted logic, the fact that you were forewarned about a potential slip-up counted as strike one and the actual slipup was a strike out. As I have aged, I now really admire their logic and it really does make sense.

Okay, let me state my opinion real quick. Ladies and Gentlemen the Three Strike Rule needs to go. Not just in dating and relationships but in the criminal justice system too. I have heard all of the reasons why the California three-strike rule isn’t fair, but someone needs to talk about how it is TOO FAIR. Yeah I know about the whole cost to taxpayers and I agree the jails are overcrowded with petty crime and non-violent offenders! But, these people are still OFFENDERS! Here is my logic: If said offender breaks into my car and steals it or the contents inside, then who pays for it? Yeah, I got insurance but don’t act like my premiums aren’t going to go up after filing a claim. Let’s just say the total damage to my car is X dollars. If my portion of the total bill to keep this OFFENDER in jail is equal to or even double my damages, I believe I come out even. Keeping an OFFENDER in jail is really like CAR insurance, if not better. By paying taxes for jails, I am ensuring that said criminal is unable to touch my vehicle or any of my personal possessions! Sorry guys, but when you have been victim to a number of break-ins, one tends to be a bit bitter. AND I AM!

My beef is not just with criminals it’s with the fact that sports (which is not real life, but entertainment) filters a bit too much into everyday real life (i.e. giving criminals or wack dudes three chances). If you really think sports is real then I say you got a problem b/c some of these guys are getting away with murder, LITERALLY and this is not a swipe at OJ! Anyway, today will not be discussion of the criminal justice system. I am going to stick to what I don’t really know that well, but can easily make fun of, the dating and relationship game.

Baseball Game
Sorry, but the long introduction was meant to be an easy transition into the meat of today’s TDRS. I thought it would be worthwhile to discuss the parallels of dating/club life and baseball given that the month of April means a new season is underway. I’m such a hypocrite huh? I go on a rampage about everyday life and sports and then proceed to talk about baseball and dating. I love it!

The Pitcher and Catcher
In my first week of work at my previous employer in San Francisco, the in-house lawyer and managing director asked me a very simple question: Rico are you a pitcher or are you a catcher? This totally caught me off guard and I really had no idea what their angle was with the question. After careful thought, I basically said that I was a pitcher and they seemed pleased.

Fellas, in the streets we should ALL be pitchers and only pitchers. Pitchers determine which pitch to throw, not the catcher, not even the manager. Now I could easily make this a discussion about men as pitchers and ladies as catchers, but I aint going there. In some circles, catchers (and ladies you can you use your imagination here) are supposed to catch balls! Anyway, this will be somewhat of a gender-neutral discussion, so I am not going to get on the ladies today…yeah right, y’all know better!!!

I repeat, Fellas we need to be the pitchers, because if you “bitch” out and become a catcher you are in a world of trouble. The following is list of pitches that the ladies throw and how to hit them.

A) The Fastball
Technical Definition: They throw something at you so fast that reaction time is usually delayed causing one to miss. There is no trickery in this pitch. It’s usually thrown straight down the middle of the plate, just really fast.

Street Example: They hit you with the “so you can sleep with me, but can’t be my boyfriend” line. This is a straight question or comment by a concerned female. There is no better way (in their minds) to ask what’s up with the relationship and where it is going. Brothas miss every time (and I have a few times myself) on this one b/c we try to lie and say some bullshi#t like “naw its not like that, when in REALITY it IS like that. Here are a few more fastball pitches:

1. After only one date, she tells you out of the blue that she really LIKES you.
2. She asks you to attend ANY wedding or Christmas party with her after no more than 3 dates.
3. She invites you to church……during FOOTBALL season! I know I’m going to a place full of scotch tape, cardboard boxes, and u-haul trucks for that. “ I love the Lord, I say I love the Lord. He helped Joshua climb the walls of Jericho, he helped Daniel out of the Lions pit, and he helped “GILLIGAN…get off that island.
4. She asks you to meet her father……after only two or three dates.
5. She starts buying you condoms. Fellas, as I said in a 2004 TDRS you should watch this b/c it is her attempt to monitor your supply. Think about it, women can count and if they know how many condoms you have in beginning inventory plus what they purchased and two weeks later they see what you have in ending inventory, they can easily figure out your “Cost of Goods Sold” or what you have used. That said either (a) don’t let her know where they are or (b) keep a super large supply, so they can’t keep a count!
6. She says anything that remotely sounds like “I want you to fu#ck me”. This isn’t a bad thing at all but it always throws a brotha off the first time.
7. She cries in front of you. Let me just say that THERE IS NO CRYING IN BASEBALL!

How to hit this Pitch: Ironically, the best way to hit this pitch is to BE HONEST (Thank-you Steph T). The only way to hit a fastball is to swing early and not late. Brothas need to have some bat speed and come back at them with a good cut (swing for the clueless). In reference to the first street example, Fellas should just say “yes, I enjoy your company, but I AM NOT TRYING TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP! Now she may take this as if you don’t really want her, which just might be true. Okay it IS true. It’s up to her if she wants to make another pitch. The guy really wins either way in this situation b/c (i) they either get some “no strings attached booty”, which is the equivalent to a fastball that is right down the middle of the plate or (ii) they save themselves from all the drama of dealing with a scorned chic! BTW fellas, there is really no such thing as unattached booty! Don’t be a fool.

B) The Curve Ball
Technical Definition: They throw something that appears to be easy to hit but at the opportune moment, the ball dives or breaks in a downward motion.

Street Example: You’re out at the club and you think you see the one, a URS-8 that you can take to any event and feel like a champ. Everything seems to be going fine until that first sleep over. See before the sleepover (which if you’re a true playa happens within days), you only saw her at her VERY BEST a few times. Before you know it:

(i) That picture perfect skin was nothing more than some great cover up,
(ii) That long hair (for those who like it long) was nothing more than a weave that she is growing tired of and is heaven forbid contemplating cutting it to a point where she is rocking more waves than you and trying to borrow your brush and/or wave cap,
(iii) Those breasts that you thought were going to be put in your mouth like your name was Akinyele were nothing more than a wonder bra that paid for itself 3x over after fooling you!
(iv) You hook her up with a ride downtown and she doesn’t give you a ride back up Uptown. I aint even gonna start on this one.

How to hit this Pitch: Curve ball pitches and pitchers are really hard to hit. The key to hitting this pitch is to be PATIENT. Basically, don’t go swinging at the first thing you see on them streets. I know its hard, but there are some really good curve ball pitchers out there and they strike out a many a brothers. Now that I think about it, many ladies are curve ball pitchers. The throw shit at us just to see if we can at least foul tip. They can’t just loft one up for you to hit, b/c that would be too easy. They want you to earn that hit or trip to 1st base or for the true playas the “home run”.

Curveball pitchers like to run the count full (3 balls and 2 strikes). They do this to make a batter think a fastball is coming, but oh contraire, they hit you with a nasty curve ball and you end up striking out looking. For those new to baseball, to strikeout looking (i.e. w/o swinging) is just unacceptable.

Anyway, fellas you gotta know that on them streets the only pitch you are really going to get is a curveball, so beware. Now as is the case in baseball, a pitcher will occasionally throw a “hanging” curve that is basically a home run pitch served on a platter. No, a hanging curve is not intentional, it’s a mistake made by an overzealous pitcher. Women throw some hanging curves quite often and of course you know YaBoy is going to name a few. Here is a list of some hanging curve balls:

1. She drinks one more glass of wine on a date than she otherwise would if she was with her girls. I know some ladies do this intentionally (to give them an excuse as to why they slept with him on the night in question), so I’m willing to take this off the board if I get a bunch of emails saying that this is the case.
2. Every time you call, she picks up the phone.
3. You never return her calls, yet she calls you as if you did.
4. Prior to getting introduced, you never really saw her out, but after the introduction, you just happen to bump into her everywhere. If this happens way too often, you definitely have a stalker on your hands.
5. She does any of the following: (i) remembers your b-day and/or (ii) buys you a nice gift, after only DATING her for one week.
6. She gives you a hug every time she sees you, yet she isn’t your sister, cousin, ex-girlfriend or female friend that you’ve know for more than a year.
7. While you are taking a shower, she walks into your bathroom for anything.
8. She buys your best friend gifts (tickets for the Roots, housewarming presents, Star-Wars calendars, etc). Jamal you’re welcome and Fountain what ever became of the star wars calendar?

C) The Split Finger Fast Ball
Technical Definition: The split finger is like a fastball that’s not meant to be hit. The secret to the split finger is that there is some trickery involved. Split fingers are usually wild pitches, mostly ending up in the dirt.
Street Example: The classic split finger is the three-word kiss of death, I LOVE YOU. Like the fastball, it comes at a brother pretty fast and we almost always strike out. There is no upside to this pitch it only goes from good to bad. Ladies think hard before they make this pitch. They really only want to see how you react, NOT how you respond!
How to hit this Pitch: There is no hitting this pitch so just don’t swing. The biggest mistake is actually saying I love you back, especially if you don’t mean it. The best comeback to this is to do what the ladies do when they are encountered with the same situation. Just say something like “that’s so sweet” or “I’m flattered” or my favorite “you are just too good to be true” and just leave it at THAT! Here is another classic split finger pitch:

You are about to go H-town and “knock some boots” for the very first time and she says to you “Let’s make love”. I mean what do you do in this situation? I can understand if this is the first time after waiting for two years, but for the average brotha on dem streets (3rd or 4th…okay 6th or 7th date), this is a bit much. Ladies, we don’t have a problem with the term, we’d just like to wait until the honeymoon or when we are actually trying to go “half on a baby”. On the real, we are just trying to “beat that P _ _ _Y up”. Speaking of, the Ying Yang Twins’ new song (the Whisper song, which is HOT) brings me to a question. If you listen to the lyrics of this song, the Twins imply that once you see their, uhm “extremity” (which I am guessing they mean one that’s quite massive) that you are going to let them beat “it” up. Is this true? B/C if it is, then I will be using this going forward when I am on them streets!

Holding The Runner
Technical Definition: There is a man on first base and a batter in the box. The Pitcher, thinking the guy on first base is going to steal second base makes a throw at first to keep him honest.
Street Example: As I’ve said in previous editions, LADIES are straight up pimps and they try to keep it on the DL. Ladies are the kings of holding runners. Basically they go out with one dude and give him the impression that there could be something and therefore let him get to first base. The problem is she starts with another batter, but forgets she has a brother on first base. Exacerbating the issue is the fact that the guy on first is trying to score as quickly as possible and is willing to steal a base or two to get there. Ladies if you kiss a guy before you really want to or he’s holding your hand at the mall way to quickly, then HE stole second base.

Anyway, ladies feel the pressure of the guy on first, so to keep him from “leaning” (i.e. a guy is trying to get a jump on second base) they throw something at first base like the following:

1. When asked on a second date, she says “I’m going to hang out with one of my guy friends tonight”. This is a great one b/c the guy doesn’t really know what this means. We ask ourselves why she would hang with another guy (someone she could hang out with anytime) and not me. She knows you are going to think something is up with this friend and that you wouldn’t dare try to steal knowing you could get thrown out quickly. I guess Biz Markie has been stranded on first base for years now.
2. They intentionally don’t bring their A-Game. My Dad coins this the “wearing a broken down white T-shirt to bed move”. Basically, when she’s on the hunt, she is always bringing the A-game. You know, wearing the nice Vicky Secret underwear and wrapping the hair in a nice silk scarf. Once she has what she wants, she reverts back to the mean (C+ game) and you are sitting there spooning some chic that looks like she just came home from trick or treating in a Casper the ghost costume.
3. They talk constantly about how their girls are getting married and having children. This might cause a brother to fake an injury and request a pinch runner, so watch it ladies.
4. I’m thinking about or am practicing celibacy. Again, this is a risky move, but pretty effective at keeping a guy from trying to move to second base. A lot of guys will fake an injury here too, but if she’s an 8 or above, he’ll stay on first base b/c he knows that when (if is for losers) he does score it’s probably going to be pretty good.
5. On a random trip to the grocery store (this assumes the 3rd or 4th date and no sex), she picks up a box of tampons and throws them in your shopping cart. Ladies if you haven’t tried this then add it to your list b/c this is a highly effective way to keep that eager guy on first base in check.

Now before my ladies start shooting emails talking about brothers holding runners, just sit and listen: Brothers don’t hold runners. We do the exact opposite. We want the bases loaded at all times. Our goal is to score as many runs as possible! So now that springtime is upon us let’s get on them streets and PLAY BALL!

And with that I’m Gone

HollaAtYaBoy!