TDRS-THE YOU CAN'T COACH THAT EDITION

It’s Ya Boy and I’m coming back at you with 4,000+ words that may just start a what….GIRL-FIGHT! As always, many thanks to my loyal readers and to the new readers (Tinisha, Iyanna, Faith, Karesha-aka-Wifey, Calvin, Colin, & Louis) we add each week. Let’s keep it going! I’d like to send a special shout-out to Lee Johnson (FAMU-SBI incoming class of 93) who was forwarded the email and decided to reply by asking, “Is this Rico Simon from SBI?”. Yes indeed it is my friend!

Mailbag
I thought I would post a few of the comments that I received for prior editions of TDRS before getting into this weeks topic. If you some of you want the past editions shoot me an email and I’ll send them to you!
That’s That Bull Sh#T Edition:
· Ric, Should I say great words from a great man or strong words from a "burnt" man. Anyway, we have all been that dude (Friend but not a$$, Who is She, Buy me a Drink) in various situations for the good/bad/ugly reasons conceivable. Normally, it's the a$$ or potential for a$$ that drives your actions. Similiar to the NBA Draft, I knew LeBron was going to be good but not MVP great. Hell, I thought Kwame Brown (DC's own) was going to be at least decent. That is what it is like out there. Some hits, some misses with a whole lot of drinks in between. My personal thoughts or strategy is to off-set "That's That Bullsh#t" with my own from of "Shadiness". You know that you can't keep a "so-called" good man down. Anyway, you know that I'm talking sh#t now because I'm living the "call me later" life-style right now.
Last point, so when are you coming out with your brotha version of the popular book, He's Just Not That Into You, called, What's The Point, She Ain't A Dime Anyway!!!……M. Hopson

Universal Rating Scale:
· Ok, so I had to print off your write-up and take it home to read this weekend.....First off, I'd be interested to see the guy/girl breakdown of your readership list - I can see some girls (you know the kind) taking offense easily. I personally found it amusing. And now I'm glad to have confirmed that I'm an '8' - I say that because number 3 on your 'what's an 8' list is SOOOOO true! Annoying. Lastly, I'm going to stop using the word cute to describe people.

I'm out. Oh, and thanks for the shout-out as a new reader. Keep 'em coming…..M Dolski · You are really funny. I'm sort of out of the loop with many things, many people, but when I was forwarded the latest issue of TDRS, I had a really good chuckle. Try not to piss too many ladies off, you may be vying for their love and affection one day. Take care!…….J. Jones Is a 10 a 10? -The Reply To Mitch Edition:
· Perhaps your best work to date. You inspire me son…….. J. Jackson

Bar Etiquette Edition:
….Wow...as a former bartender I'm not sure what to think about the tipping section of this edition. If you tip well on the first drink, bartenders will remember you and every subsequent drink will be stronger and they will try to get to you faster. The first drink a bartender pours is normally medium to strong because they're trying to feel you out. Bartenders take care of those that take care of them. Especially female bartenders. ……KMConey

……Man, you do a great job. What do you do at work? I write TV reviews that are half as long and can take me up to 3 hours. How do you manage your time at work? Don't people peep over your shoulder to see what you are doing? Do you let people at work read these reports?…Jacqulyn
· I definitely still remember all the many lessons from you, Jamal, and big Mike (e.g. You have to turn around to look at an ass like that, don't ever give up your seat at the bar for a woman, never doubt the macking abilities of big Mike - who's married now I think, and don't trust all Chicken and Waffle joints to actually have chicken and waffles)…...Little Woodie

Yo Ric, when you said:"She does the “bend over to the front and touch the toes dance” like two or three times, but no more than that. By the way, doesn’t bending over already imply to the front? Sorry, I was just wondering. Maybe Lil John deals with women who can bend over to the back too. I almost fell out of my chair at work! That sh*t was comedy! Keep it up playa!…….C Gladney

Casting Stones Edition:
You went a little long on your rant about Women who prefer tall men.... I could sense some resentment in your commentary... If readers didn't know before reading this edition you were shorter than "6'0 tall... NOW THEY KNOW, for sure... And for the record... Baby's Daddys ARE STILL NOT COOL, unless the child is over 18 and already has a college fund established and paid for... Those with Jobs and not careers who read your commentary will be a little bitter, so be forewarned... you may lose a market with those comments... just WRONG... But I still LOVED IT!!!! …….S Davis

Thanks again to all the readers and future readers! For the record I am not 6ft, I am a solid 5’10. I’ve never been called short, but never been called tall either.

Moving On………….
So as I mentioned last week, the subject for this edition of TDRS will be “You Can’t Coach That”. I don’t know how many sports enthusiasts there are out there, but growing up, this is all that I heard, especially from my father who I blame for me not being a multi-millionaire right now (long story, but those of you who’ve met my father have heard his side of the story and he is a LIAR). I love my dad by the way folks, so this is all in good fun!

Anyway, I thought given the win by Carolina over Illinois and Tiger’s spectacular comeback this weekend at the Masters a rant about coaching, talent, men, and sports needed to be written. You typically hear the statement “you can’t coach that” followed by something like “speed” or “height”. The statement is so true! In a nutshell, North Carolina and Tiger Woods were more talented than their competitors. There is nothing you can do when a team or individual is more talented than you and when they bring their A-Game. Yeah, Villanova beat Georgetown and the Red Sox beat the Yankees, but we all know the Yanks and the Hoyas didn’t bring their A-Game. This is the only way coaching beats talent and that is when the talented don’t play their best or close to it. So what does talent and coaching have to do with dating and relationships? Hopefully by the end of this TDRS you’ll know.

Bring the A-Game
My Ace J. Jackson and I have always talked about what we call “bringing your A-Game. The concept is so simple, yet many, and I’m talking men and women rarely subscribe to it. Many of you ladies were upset with the Universal Ratings Scale (“URS”) and it’s because you didn’t really hear everything you needed to hear. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING A SEVEN! Okay I said it. Now there is something wrong with being a 7 and not bringing you’re A-Game. This applies to when you go out on a date, to the club, CHURCH, or even work.

Let’s break this down. As described in the URS, a 10 is a 10. Now if a 10 goes to the club and decides to bring her A-Game, then there is no way on earth that you, as a 7 can compete, absolutely NO WAY! When Tiger brings his A-Game all of his drives are in the fairway. Yeah I know Phil Mickelson, V-Jay, and Ernie Els can put their balls in the fairway too, but when Tiger brings his A-Game his drives are 60 yards longer than everyone, which allows him to attack the greens like no other. Because Tiger can do this, his competitors crumble and never really come to play. The same thing happens in the dating/relationship/club world. Some (notice I said some) ladies know that they are going to have to play against a room full of “Tigers or 10s” when they go to the club. Instead of attacking Tiger head on like Chris Demarco did this weekend, many of these ladies either don’t show up or choke like Phil Mickelson does every time he plays Tiger. The following details the excuses that ladies “who don’t want to go and attack 10’s head on” use:
“I’m tired of the whole club scene”. Usually this excuse is preceded by the classic “aren’t you tired of going to the club?” in some sort of weird effort to distract a brotha from the matter at hand. To answer this question, No I am not tired of the scene and don’t get mad at me b/c you went to more Moon, Alpha, Q, and wack pajama parties at the Student Union during your freshman year, than you went to class in your entire collegiate career. I agree that women mature faster than men (ages 5-16), but when they get to college I honestly believe that gets thrown out the window. Maturity is somewhat misused in this context. I like burned out instead! That is one of the problems going on today with this whole dating and relationship thing. Ladies are getting all upset that brothas aren’t trying to be committed. Why should they? You had all of your “trifling, shiftless, and lackadaisical” times in college, so let a brotha have his fun now.

I’d like to quote the magnificent “Mike Jones” of Swisha House fame before I dive more into this issue: “Back den, girls didn’t want me, now I’m hot, girls all on me”.

Ladies, brothas (one’s who have their shit together and can throw rocks if they want to) are a hot product right now and are in limited supply. They are selling like hotcakes all over the world (My boy PJones was taken off the market by a gal from Bello Horizonte….BRAZIL!). Given that brothas are hot right now, what makes you think he wants to lock in a long-term contract with you at a fixed rate (at least give the brotha the option to float around here and there)? Purchase contracts with terms are for losers who are not confident enough that they can continue to sell their product in the future! Don’t get mad, that is just the way the market is. If you don’t buy at the terms brothas are setting right now, guess what, someone else will!

So, if you are tired of the club scene and just want to stay home, go ahead. Just know that you could be missing out. Yeah I know, go to church and find the “one”. Let me just tell you that you are too late if that is your route. Church boys are in high demand too and don’t think the terms with them are any better (maybe even worse). Don’t even let me get started on them!

I don’t have anything to wear. I love this one b/c it makes absolutely no sense. Ladies if you are ever in this predicament, then do what brothers do and put on the ladies’ equivalent of a throwback jersey: the tight fitting white/black extra short sleeve t-shirt (that says “Bebe” or has some stupid saying or word like “sexy” or ”I love boys”) and a pair of jeans. Ladies, you can never go wrong with this outfit. Btw, is it pronounced Be Be or Bay Bay, or just Beeb? Inquiring minds want to know.

I am not a big drinker. While I go to the club to drink, I’d say most people go to the club to dance. Now if you don’t do either one, then you are likely no fun anyway, so you are doing us both a favor by staying your “boring” ass at home!

I don’t have any money. Hmmm. I’d like to send a shout out to my adopted (forced by my boy Jamal) little sis and fellow drinking club member Maya Jackson. Last time I checked this girl rarely spends a dime at the club and no she doesn’t sit there and talk to random dudes who expect something in return. Now Maya may rank a bit higher on the URS than most (sorry Jamal), but that doesn’t mean lower rated ladies can’t go to club, have fun, and not spend money. I mean, if you are a 6 then do you really expect to holla or get hollered at by a top notch guy? Of course not, so play on your level and dance with the wack dudes who carry the champagne bottles and you’ll be fine.

Now that we got the ladies who don’t come to play in check, lets switch to the ladies who come to the course and choke like Phil Mickelson. Ladies are not bringing their A game when:

(i) They rock a hat that doesn’t even come close to matching the outfit. Fellas, this is a clear signal that she didn’t get her hair done. There is nothing wrong with this but you should ask yourself if she came out in a public not bringing her A-Game how would she be at home around just you! Yeah I know the whole “I didn’t get my hair done” spill but as Dean Mobley taught many of us “No excuses are acceptable, no amount of work is adequate until it is proven effective”. If your hair isn’t done then don’t hit them streets expecting to get hollered at. I know, I know, ladies can’t get their hair done every week, but every other week is not asking too much. Btw, I’d like to send a shout out to my girl E. Troupe (you’re getting way to many of these EB) who I know hits the hairdresser twice a month. Oh and I am still going to drop by your beauty shop b/c word on the street, there is some talent there.
(ii) They are “Crunk” (See TDRS –Bar Ettiquette for a detailed description)! There is nothing worse than an over the top drunk chic. They are no fun b/c they could at any moment (i) pass out (and then you have to carry them out), (ii) hurl on you or heaven forbid, in your car, or (iii) they wake up the next day expecting you to cook breakfast like her name was Nia in Love Jones. The worse case scenario is that all three of the above happen in one night, which means a brotha likely got nothing! Many of you wrote in upset about the fact that I said ladies should stick to the fruity drinks and this is exactly why they should. I don’t know about all of the fellas out there but I don’t find waking up to a chic that reeks of Crown Royale, Hennessey or Gin (especially Seagrams) to be attractive.
(iii) “They are wearing the same outfit as your girl!” This again is absolutely unacceptable and I see this rule broken quite often on the streets (especially in Chicago…..Ava (a loyal reader that I love) aren’t you from Chicago??). I mean, Ladies, the streets are not meant to be a platform for you and your girls to try out for a double mint twins commercial. Btw, this also applies to hairstyles as well! Not cute! When you bring you’re A-Game, your outfit and hairstyle should stand above the rest. Ladies you should go onto those streets thinking like the FAMU Marching 100, “Often imitated, but never DUPLICATED! This goes for the brothas to, don’t be heading out in a group looking like ya’ll are about to sing the “Mowtown Philly Remix”! This would be truly the End of the Road if this happens!
(iv) The only outfits they wear to work are pants suits! I believe in the whole equality thing, but some of you take it way to far! Show a little leg please! Pants suits are the equivalent to the golf shirt and khaki outfit that my Caucasian brethren wear every damn day, and twice on Sunday. Vary the outfits please.
(v) They walk past the long line at the club thinking the bouncer is going to let them in and they end up having to make the walk of shame back to the end of the line. Even worse, they further embarrass themselves by getting on a cell phone trying to call the person who supposedly had them on the list. Brothas are probably guiltier of this, but I’ll get to them in a second. I’d like to send another shout to Spice who even with a hat on, (it didn’t match but you made it work) walked straight through the line at The Compound in ATL. Note Terrance and I were in-line a good 40 minutes before we even saw the door! Spice, you know I love you like a play-cousin!

Not to be outdone…..Brothas don’t bring their A-Game when:

(i) They are late for a date b/c they were too busy trying to play one more game of Madden. Jamal, I dare you to forward this to Jamylah. Oh yeah, ladies I am just going to say that buying your man a Playstation is a really bad idea! Sorry fellas, I don’t own one, so I have no motivation to keep this on the hush.
(ii) Have more “throw-back” jersey’s in their closet than ties or buttoned down shirts. I don’t own a throwback, but I do think the number of throwbacks a brother should have, should be less than the number of positions in his favorite sport. For example, if baseball is your favorite sport then there should be no more than 7 jerseys in the closet (I don’t really differentiate between a left, center or right fielder, so it counts as only 1 position). For basketball, it would only be three, guard forward, center.
(iii) They have multiple cell phone clips. Fellas, lets stop the madness. Keep the cell phone in the pocket and stop looking like undercover cops.
(iv) They rock the gigantic cell phone earpieces. Yeah this Bluetooth technology is getting way out of hand. Brothas look like they are about to pilot a delta flight with all of this headgear.
(v) They try to dress like Andre 3000. This is an epidemic in the city of Atlanta. I’m sorry but it aint cool and I haven’t heard any “sistas” saying that it is cool.
(vi) They pick up a lady in a dirty car. If the weather is bad, then the interior should at least be clean!
(vii) They are kissing some chic in the club! Game over! This is worse than bringing sand and water to the beach or Mexicans to the Greyhound bus station (sorry Trish, I tried really hard not to offend anyone in this edition)! If you are guilty of this, then please turn in your player card immediately!
(viii) They have to take a “Time Out” and rush to Walgreens to buy some jimmy hats. Even worse is when you have to take your boy’s last couple of jimmy hats w/o his knowledge, which effectively blocks ya boy from getting any. Big Mike, Jamal will never forgive you! As my boy G Tate always says, “Be a boy-scout and always be prepared!”
(ix) Their shower or bathroom for that matter isn’t clean. Fellas, if she is afraid to sit on your toilet, then I’ll venture and say she will be apprehensive about sitting on you. If your place is clean they may just say to themselves, “I’ll just get up and go home in the morning”. Special shout out to my girl Steph-T in Oakland who taught ya boy about having a clean toilet bowl. Nothing pisses a woman off more, outside of nothing left on the roll, than the “streaks”!

To summarize, if some of you ever wonder why your friend gets more play than you when you hit the streets, its either because (i) they have a higher rating and they bring their A-game or (ii) they have the same rating as you and you didn’t bring your A-Game.

Biggest Mistakes made by Women Part I-Sports
This could be a discussion for a future TDRS, but because some you were upset with the short length of the last TDRS, I decided to make this one of those “print out and take home editions.” I know ladies, you are tired of me getting on all of you about things, but I am a guy and as long as you guys keep reading this stuff, I am going to continue telling you like it is.

So this weekend, I am watching the Master’s and right before Tiger chips in on 16, my freaking phone rings. Now was it Jamal? Eric? G Tate? My Mom? No, it was someone who shall remain nameless, that is a loyal TDRS reader. I’m not mad at her, but she clearly wasn’t watching the Masters or had any idea that the Masters was on. As men, we only have so many things left that define us and as such I believe women need to understand why. That said the following list is a survival guide or tool for women to follow with respect to Men and Sports.

(i) Don’t schedule any dinner, wedding, outing or even call during:
1. Super-bowl Sunday, the conference championship games, divisional playoff and wildcard games
2. March Madness (the NCAA tournament for the clueless),
3. ANY golf tournament where Tiger Woods is no more than 7 seven strokes behind entering the final round.
4. Any golf tournament where Tiger is paired with Phil Mickelson.
5. Any major college football game, especially during Rivalry Week (FSU vs Florida, O-State vs Michigan, the annual ass-whoppin at the fair (Texas vs OU) and last but not least FAMU vs BCC. Oh yeah the Southern (#2 band in land) versus Grambling (haters) is excluded from this list. We all know which rivalry game is the largest!
6. Any college football game on CBS when Jill Arrington is reporting from the sidelines!
7. Any tennis match where Serena Williams is playing.
8. Any CHAMPIONSHIP tennis match where Venus is playing.
9. NFL Draft Day
10. Any NBA game, which features teaser shots of the wives of the following players: Grant Hill, Jason Kidd, Chauncey Billups (I hear she’s tight) and Reggie Miller (the ex-wife).
(ii) Don’t ask us why we have to watch Sports-center twice a day? If you have to watch Dr. Phil and Oprah everyday, then please get off our backs!
(iii) Don’t go to any sporting event where we purchased the tickets with the expectation of leaving early. Anyone going to watch the Hawks or Golden St. Warriors is excused!
(iv) Size Does Matter! Don’t even think about having a Super Bowl party if you don’t have at least a 32-inch television. As a matter of fact, don’t even expect me to come over and watch a movie if your television isn’t at least 32 inches.
(v) Don’t ask us sports questions just to see if we would be patient enough to answer them. We see right through this and will not be patient!
(vi) Keep all comments regarding your crush on any athlete or how good they look in “such and such” to yourself when in the presence of your man. Unless you want us to start singing the song “Cut Up” when Serena is playing, then don’t go there. Btw, for all of you ladies who were all about Mr. Micheal Vick aka Ron Mexico, I hope you wake up feeling like it’s a “brand new day”! If you don’t get it, then check the new Valtrex commercial and holla at me!

I know this one was long, but some readers wanted more so I hope this suffices, YASMIN! I don’t know what’s on tap for next week, but I promise to come at you hard!

HollaAtYaBoy!

TDRS-THE CASTING STONES EDITION

I think it was this guy named Jesus who said something to the effect of if “ye have not sinned, then cast the first stone”. I hate to “byte” on the Lord and Savior but this edition of TDRS will tackle this and then some. I’d like to say I am sorry for all of those who were thinking you were somehow left off the list last week. Let’s just say TDRS has been busy trying to become a homeowner and generate revenue for my employer. TDRS does work, for those of you who wonder how he finds the time to write these ridiculous rants. Also, thanks for all of the responses to the Bar Ettiquette Edition. It was a big hit…..My goal of being forwarded a TDRS from someone who doesn’t know I write them is not that far away. My partner in crime Jamal was approached by a brotha at a bar two weeks ago who told him he got this email from someone in L.A. that talked about bar position….I love it!

Anyway, I mentioned the whole Biblical quote b/c I thought it was a perfect segue into me going off on some of the crazy things I hear and see with respect to dating, relationships.

Dating and Relationships: Casting The First Stone
Okay I am sick and tired of being sick and tired with this whole dating and relationship stuff. If I hear one more chic say that there aren’t any black men out there because of the reasons discussed below, then I may just declare war! Btw, does anyone still play that card game?

“They don’t have a job”.
Okay let me differentiate something real quick here. Ladies, why sell yourself short with some dude who just has a job? Guys should not get a cookie for just having a job. Ladies, you need to find men who have Careers. There is a DIFFERENCE! Doctors and Lawyers are easy targets, but there are many other brothas out there who have CAREERS. When you’re out at the CLUB and you don’t want to give out your number, but you are interested in such guy, then ask for his BUSINESS CARD. An entrepreneur or corporate guy with a title will have one on him and if he doesn’t, then he may only have a JOB, which is not a bad thing! I’m just saying if you all are looking for that guy/dude who is going to be your sugardaddy or the purchaser of that 2.3 carat platinum setting princess cut ring, then I recommend the business card crowd or the brothas who deal with “straight cash”………I know I have used this Randy Moss quote to much, but it still cracks me up!

Now ladies, if all you have is a JOB, then don’t go hatin on brothas who don’t have one. People choose to have jobs. It isn’t that hard to find one. It may not pay well, but it is still a job. I mean doing table-tops for a living is a job and ANYBODY can get a job doing that! I may have to think about this one though b/c there are some “ballet dancers” that have skills that you just can’t coach (Next week’s subject line for TDRS btw).

What I am saying is that don’t be casting stones knowing full well that your sh#it is not really tight to begin with! Okay, I am not trying to hate or offend anyone out there but just because you have a job where:

(i) You say the words “welcome to” followed by some rich family’s last name with an apostrophe, or “how many are in your party”, or “thank-you and please come again”, then sweetheart you can’t cast the first stone.
(ii) Someone who graduated from ITT with an Associates degree makes the same thing you do and you have a bachelor or masters from what you think is some prestigious university. Yes you may have a job, but I’d be a little worried about the future, so no casting of stones for you.
(iii) Your employer probably single-handedly caused the country to get caller I.D. and Congress for that matter to introduce the Do Not Call List legislation. “I’d like to throw a stone at these people…If you haven’t figured out this profession, then do like Redman and “laugh now and figure the s#it out when you get home”.
(iv) When you file your taxes with H&R block, your Adjusted Gross Income is approximately equal to the $29.95 it costs H&R block to process your forms. Again if this is you then your shit isn’t that tight!
(v) You still need to sneak on a college campus to use the ATM that allows you to withdraw the $5 or $10 minimum. Those of us who attended FAMU were guilty of this back in the day. Wasn’t Capital City Bank the shiznit?

“He’s too short!”
Now if your name is Lisa Leslie, then I don’t really and truly understand this statement or need by some of you females. Yeah I’ve heard the reasons, but they are all the wrong ones:

(a) “I like to feel like he can pick me up”- Huh? Pick you up and do what? I mean all he needs to be able to do is (i) splak it, (ii) flip it and (iii) rub it down……ohh no! Quietly some of you DONT’t really need to be picked up! I am going to leave that one alone for now.

(b) “I feel safe”- I’m sorry but nine times out of ten, a black woman is not sticking around to see her 6-foot “man” win the battle. If I were you ladies, I’d value speed over height b/c in this day and age one needs to be able to dodge bullets, B Nichols, and OJ.

(c) “The Wedding & High Heels”- So you are going to let one measly ceremony that everyone will forget (and given the odds in this country will be for naught anyway b/c of an inevitable divorce), influence who you date?

(d) He’s probably “packin”- Interesting one here. Who started this? B/c evidently she has been with way to many guys to be able to make such a statistical inference. I mean for all of you studious ones out there who listened in Dr. Nkanzas quant class, did this woman who started this myth take a “sample” mean or a “population” mean. There is a difference ya know. I think you need at least 30 observations to have a true sample.

…yada yada yada. Well again Ladies, don’t be casting stones that you can’t catch when they are thrown back at you. Some females (notice how I said some for all of you sensitive types) get ticked when they hear guys say such things like “I like big breasts”, yet are the first ones to say I want a man that is at least 6’ tall. Watch yourselves ladies! You see, guys like things for what they are and not for what they “could” be. For instance:

(a) We like round (not big) butts b/c padding is so much better than bone. I mean you tell me, would you rather sit on a picnic table or a nice and soft lawn chair.
(b) We like lips because……..hmm should I….maybe not. All I got to say is that I use cable b/c the whole 1-year commitment some ladies look for with their “DSL” service is not market……Again, Laugh now and figure it out when you get home!
(c) We like big breasts b/c they look nice and are multi-functional. We don’t go hey she’s got some serious cans therefore she must be good in bed! This reminds me. All those ladies out there who equate height or anything for that matter that is not directly related to intercourse, to how good a man is in bed, please stop the madness. Guys don’t do such things. We wait until after we get it and then judge the performance. The difference is women EXPECT to be entertained/overwhelmed by the other party. Brothers, we look to entertain ourselves first with the other party, which 9 times out of 10, comes out okay. Ladies say things like “I bet he can make me feel real good”. Brother’s on the other hand feel good just to be playing. The worse sex for a brotha is NO SEX!

Now the only reason you should want a man over 6’ is purely for monetary reasons. I mean a man that can produce you a 7-footer is just as a good, if not better than a 5’-10 guy who is a pretty stable doctor. Now, if you are a female of the caucasion ilk, then producing a 7-footer is really money in the bank b/c every white guy over 7’ is going into the “Association” and for whatever reason never leaves. For all of those Hawks fans, lest not forget John Koncack.

“He’s got Kids”
Yeah this is a problem, but ladies don’t act like this is only affecting you. Remember, for every “baby-daddy”, there is another “baby-momma”. What’s worse is that when I go to the “ballet” in Atlanta all I see are the baby mommas in all of their stretch mark glory. I mean really, the shelf life on a baby momma is pretty short, especially the 2-time or 3-time defending champion b-mommas (can’t wait for the emails on this one). You ladies don’t have to compete against these women, but I have to compete against these men everyday. Y’all love:

Boris (baby daddy),
Usher (confessing that he was almost a baby-daddy),
Lebron (the baby daddy poster boy…..I’d really like to meet the b-momma, b/c she maybe one of the smartest females in the game right now) and
Mike Vick (allegedly passing out STD’s like they were a 5 yard out pattern). I can keep going……

It’s funny but b-daddy’s are hot right now. They get cool points for taking care of their kids and being there for them. B-daddy’s today are like certified pre-owned cars to some women out there. Their value is slightly depreciated by the wear and tear of a baby momma, but is cheaper and actually less risky than a new brotha who is just one super old lifestyle condom away from being the newest baby daddy on the block.

Club Observations/Rants- The Compound
So T-Dog (Terrance Davis) and I made our once/week trek to check out the club scene in Atlanta. Because we are cheap, we decided to go to the Compound b/c you get in free with a flyer before midnight. It’s amazing how much money you save by not paying a cover. Here are some things that I just had to comment on from my Friday night experience. I have decided that:

(i) DJ’s are grossly overrated. As I’ve said in a previous TDRS, “Why should I pay a cover, when there is no cover band!” Unless the DJ is Quest Love (of The Roots fame) or DJ Kiiiiiiiid Capri, then don’t waste time putting someone else’s name on the flyer or even trying to charge me for it. I actually caught myself humming the song that the DJ was queing up to play next. I shouldn’t be doing that. There should be some element of surprise when you are at the club. Where is the creativity? I knew that dude Quest Love was creative when he spun Nirvanna- “Smells Like Teen Spirit” right after Frankie Beverly! The crowd went nuts!
(ii) People who walk around the club with corona beer bottles, yet the substance inside looks like “Red” flavored Kool-laid, should be added to the “You know your ghetto when” list.
(iii) If you were a hit in the 80’s and you were only a hit because you only had one hit, then you shouldn’t try to make a comeback. All I got to say is that Jody Whately performed at the Compound last week and I was a bit scared………the sound system screwed up, so she decided to sing accapella.
(iv) Clubs/promoters who put orange cones on public streets (and not just the streets closest to the club but a ¼ mile down the road) on Friday/Saturday nights with the intention of trying to charge me to park there should be closed or burned down!
(v) Multiple bathrooms are appreciated more in a club than 27 inch plasma tv’s everywhere.
(vi) Women everywhere truly go to the club to dance and go home.
(vii) Guys in Atlanta truly go to the club to dance and go home.
(viii) Buying a drink at last call is really a waste of money.
(ix) The women at the club don’t even come close to looking as good as the women featured on the flyers for the parties.
(x) Being padded down and walking through a metal detection system as if I am (i) boarding Delta, (ii) visiting the White House, or (ii) walking into Atlanta City hall with a Brian Nichols for Sheriff T-Shirt, before I get in a club should be somewhat disturbing.

Well Kid’s that’s about 2000 words and I really got to go and put an offer down for a new crib. Let me just go ahead and pump the hollatyaboys.com/TDRS Housewarming party, which will likely take place in Spring 2006 (This will be the 10 year anniversary of one of the best titled Kappa Luaus (and no I am not a greek)….”The Big Lic For 96”. I think Big Boi from Outkast should get the credit for the saying since he was referring to the 96 Olympics in ATL on the Southernplayalistic album.

Many of you have suggested that these rants and raves be posted on a blog and we have been working on it. In fact, you will be able to read some old school classics by none other than Mr Jackson, E Fountain, L.G. Tate and of course, yours truly. Jamiz Jackson is the architect for holleratyaboys.com, so look out for the link coming soon!

Holla At YA Boy!

TDRS-THE BAR ETIQUETTE EDITION

Oh it’s your Country Boy ThatDamnRicSimon and I am coming at you with another 3,000+, word classic. As always, I like to thank the readers, the readers who forwarded the TDRS to future readers, and to those future readers who will forward TDRS to even more future readers. Thank-You, Thank-You, Thank-You! The last TDRS was fun b/c I received a number of emails with even more questions for me to answer. I promise I’ll answer each and every one of those questions in a future TDRS. I also received more than one request regarding my mentioning of a 2002 TDRS regarding “Bar Etiquette”. Seeing as if I was in Dallas boozing it up last week for March Madness, I thought I would go back into the archives and send out the “Bar Etiquette” classic to all of the TDRS rookies. While an older edition, I have added even more commentary, so for those who think they’ve already read this one I’d strongly suggest reading it again. You might learn something new.

How Do I assure myself a consistent flow of alcohol?

Well that is an easy one. For those of us who are true alcoholics (50-Gran, Jamiz, ThatDamnRicSimon, The Rattlesnake, and all of my fellow FAMU rattlers), the key to getting a drink is getting BAR POSITION and the only way to get BAR POSITION, my friends, is to get there FIRST! Again, I repeat, this is only for true alcoholics. We don’t care to be fashionably late. We are only concerned with getting our drink on!

Those who plan to drink only one or two drinks, I say, don’t go to the bar, b/c you are wasting a bartender’s time and taking up space that could otherwise be occupied by true alcoholics.


Overcrowded Bar
Okay, I hate it when this happens. Its either (a) the bar is surrounded and there is no way to get a drink or (b) you actually have bar position and the bartender is constantly being distracted by that guy frantically waving a hand-full of $20 bills and shouting “eh shawty let me get some of dat hen”. Okay being the consummate bar professional, I got the answers for all of your problems.

I am speaking to the guys on this one, b/c frankly if you’re female and are a 7 or above, there is absolutely no reason for you to stand and wait to get a drink. A 7 or above can easily just say excuse me and get to the bar way quicker than the average dude. In fact, if a 7 or above gets to the bar it’s likely the dude who has been waiting to get the bartender’s attention all night, will give up his slot by saying to the bartender “she was here first”. I call this the “creep” phenomenon. Ladies, if this hasn’t happened to you and you feel you are a 7 or above, then it may be time to reassess your internal ratings. I’ll venture to say though that all of the women I know on this distribution list have experienced the creep phenomenon.

Now back to the guys…….
It can be inferred from the above that the bar space is primarily taken up by dudes, which makes it difficult for another dude to get his drink. This is not a problem guys. Here are three rules to follow:
Rule# 1: Follow the 7-10’s to the bar
Because 7’s and above will always lead you to the promise land.

Rule# 2: Go to the bar with at least two fellow alcoholics.
Three alcoholics are better than one. The three of you should break-up and attack
the middle and corners of the bar. The likelihood of at least one of you getting a
drink is exponentially higher than just one person succeeding. Let me just
interject here and say this assumes the three alcoholics are playing “Anglo” rules. By that I mean everyone buys everyone a round of drinks. None of this, “I am just drinking water” or “you ordered a top shelf drink, so you owe me three
bucks” crap! Also for all of you wanna be balers out there. Also, if your boys don’t ask for Moet, then don’t go and buy a $200+ bottle, because I for one am not going to spend the same amount for the next round.

Rule#3-Always look for another bar in the club b/c “our people”, aka colored folk,
love standing in line for stuff: Financial Aid, Books, Food at the Café (shout out to those who stood in the waffle line at FAM…..at DINNER TIME!), and last but not least, the club. Let me interject here again and say that the fellas and I set an all time record for standing in a club line last week in Dallas…..1 hour and 45 minutes. The club was called Purgatory and ironically I really felt like I was really between heaven (the beautiful ladies waiting in line with us) and hell (the windy 35-40 degree weather that we had to endure).

How much should I tip?
What people forget, is that tipping is an expense that can really add up. Your goal is to reduce tipping expense. To wake up the next morning excited that you have a few bucks left in your pocket, I strongly suggest following these simple rules:

Rule #1, you only tip to get a stronger drink or free shot the next time. There is no such thing as tipping b/c it is the right thing to do. Moreover, don’t tip until you taste. If it is tight then wait till you see the bartender’s face, express your satisfaction and then tip.

Rule #2-Buy more than one drink, like five or six and tip 3 bucks. Have your boys do a couple of rounds, each tipping 2 bucks. The key is what finance people call economies of scale. If you can get more drinks per tip, that means you have effectively lowered your cost per unit. Because the bartender (the supplier) is more concerned with volume of tips as opposed to tip per drink, he may occasionally give out incentives like a free shot, or even a round for the boys. This even further reduces the cost. Let me say that I can’t recall a time where Jamiz and I haven’t received some sort of perk from the bartender. Moreover, for those of you unbelievers, I welcome you to hang out with ya boys to see for yourself. Ms. Spice Davis was an unbeliever and she saw the power of bar position first hand and I wasn’t even with my #1 drinking partner.

Rule #3- Open a tab. Think about it. If you open a tab, you don’t have the pressure to leave a tip each time after a drink. Quietly, you can get away without paying a tip at all b/c usually the bartender is only concerned with the dollar bills that are being left at the bar and not the receipt that you leave behind. Just make sure your crew reimburses you once everything shuts down for the night. If you are worried about your ATM card/credit card reaching its limit then please refrain from this behavior and please don’t try to be part of my drinking club.

Rule #4-Buy the bartender a shot. This is pretty much common sense, but few people actually do it. Just think, a shot makes the bartender’s motor skills a little bit suspect, so when she (preferably) starts pouring that crown, I guarantee you her lack of reflex will result in a nice strong drink for you. Remember guys, bartenders are our friends and we should treat them just like we would treat ourselves……..WITH A DRINK!

When to Say When?
For the true “lics”, this question translates into “When” do I ask, “When” the last call is? True Lic’s are always wondering if there is enough time to get another drink.

So I know some of you are thinking TDRS and his boys (Ebony and Dolski you are included here) are alcoholics. And I would say, yes you are so correct. However, while we are lics, we know how to “handle” our liquor. True Lics know the stages of drunkenness and can adjust if need be. For those of you wanna be lics, I have taken it upon myself to explain in painful detail the stages of drunkenness and how to get there.


The Stages of Drunkeness
Let me start of by saying it is not the alcohol, but the person that determines drunkenness.

Nice
Definition: not to be too excited but super cool.

Key Characteristics- You are
(i) feeling good and relaxed.
(i) Having that really approachable aura about you.
(ii) Making the opposite sex melt with the “nice” smile at this stage.

The Drink to Get You There:
Brothas: A glass of Crown Royale with splash of coke for color or some Courvasier.
Ladies: 2 fruity drinks or one really well made Appletini.

Nice stage Advice: It is not cool to be drinking Couvasier or martinis out of plastic cups. If you are guilty of this, you are in the wrong place to be in the nice stage.

Buzzed
Definition: A step beyond nice. Things are suddenly very funny in this stage. If you are with the boys or girls, the topic of conversation is typically some hilarious event that occurred the last time you all were “buzzed”. For instance when the “fellas” are pretty buzzed we always think back to our college days and laugh about such things as (sorry for those readers who don’t know these people, but trust me it was damn funny at the time):
McCoy’s “pink” tie die shirt. FYI this was his number 1 outfit for the trip.
AIR’s kidnapping by the mean streets of New Orleans---“Is that AIR with the Gap sweater face down on Bourbon street?” It should be noted that AIR was probably there a good 1-2hrs before we stumbled upon him.
The “Fellas” all agreeing one morning during Mardi-Gras that Soleidad Obrien (the newscaster chick) was pretty damn hot. Mind you, we actually sat and thought about this for about half an hour after watching at least 4 consecutive episodes of the Cosby show at the La Pavillion Hotel in New Orleans.
Sneaking in the back door at club CPA in Tallahasse……Numerous Times!
Doug Johnson “supersizing” his entrée at Pappadeaux Restaurant in Houston. To put this in perspective, picture going to a steakhouse and ordering a pork-chop to go with your main porterhouse steak entrée.
Jamiz and TDRS considering a flight to Jamaica as opposed to our scheduled Bahamas flight b/c two certified 10’s boarded the Jamaican airlines plane. Sadly, I think Jamaican airlines would have let us board the plane.
McCoy (we love him, b/c he IS special) questioning Jamiz on the whereabouts of his rather attractive cousin. I’ll leave it to my beloved readers to guess where she was!
Jamiz and TDRS predicting a wet t-shirt contest in the Bahamas would eventually get out of hand. FYI, if there are more than two “Anglo” women in any contest of this nature, I strongly suggest the shy ladies to bow out gracefully, because they always take it there or should I say take it off.
Big Mike falling a sleep at the wheel after a long night of clubbing in Tallahassee. The funny thing is Mike never left the parking lot. He slept there all night with one hand on the wheel, only to be discovered by the fellas the next morning.
Ordering Papa John’s Pizza after the Kappa Luia. Doesn’t sound very funny, but you would laugh if you saw at least 6 dudes pass out (aka catching the “itis”) after eating the pizza only to wake up the next morning wondering what happened. Let’s just say, the dudes (3 of the six) who had bedrooms in the apartment, didn’t even make it to them.
The “I’m So “High” Nights I and II” and “The AKA party at the “Stoop”circa 1996. Who would have ever thought that drinking some 151 Rum Punch (The Rattlesnake, 50-Gran, and ThatDamnRicSimon) that had been sitting in the fridge for 4 days after a Tyson fight party would cause so much debauchery?
Key Characteristics of Buzzed: In this stage, one is starting believe that they can “talk” to anyone in the club. Note the operative words are “can” and “believe”. This is a great stage to be in b/c confidence is high, but you are not yet as my D’tua (Detroit) folk say “OFC”-Outta Fuc$king control, which is discussed shortly. Here a couple of signs to know when a girl is really buzzed at the club and ladies don’t act like you don’t know:
She believes that every song the DJ plays is their song and she lets everyone in the club know it.
She has the nerve to go to the DJ booth to request her favorite song and actually think the DJ will play it next.
She gets on any sort of platform to dance. For instance, she pushes the hot go-go dancers off their perch or EVEN WORSE, dances on the bar. This is, dare I say, blasphemous or OFC.
She orders drinks or accepts drinks from strangers and commits alcohol abuse by not drinking them.
She does the “bend over to the front and touch the toes dance” like two or three times, but no more than that. By the way, doesn’t bending over already imply to the front? Sorry, I was just wondering. Maybe Lil John deals with women who can bend over to the back too.
She actually buys you (guy) a drink.
When she and her girls leave the dance floor, they leave in some sort of line, like they just put on some type of performance.
She asks to have a sip of your drink. Note unless your last name is Troupe (sorry Eb for putting you on blast) or Ford (as in Betty), I strongly suggest not sipping on a guys’ drink. Stick to the fruity stuff ladies.

The Drink To Get You Buzzed:
Brothas: One shot of Tequila (Patron or better), or two stiff rounds of Jack & Coke, or Rum (Barcardi Light) & Coke. Ladies: A half glass of a Long Island.

Buzzed stage Advice: Take advantage of the liquid courage in this stage. You will not be sorry.

Crunk:
Definition: Two steps beyond Nice. In this stage, one talks to everyone in the club! He believes he can grind on any and every woman. She believes she can kick any woman’s ass that touches her man. This is a great time to leave the club, if you operate in the nice stage. It is easy to spot those that are crunk or figuring out if the club has or will become crunk. Here are some warning signs:

If at least one guy is wearing a wife beater or one of those “gay” tanktop things that 50-cent wears. Yeah I said it 50! If 50-cent somehow gets this email, then this means there must be some money clanking in my “piggybank”.
Dudes are rocking those big black Biggie Small shades with cool-g sweaters.
You hear the words “Okay”, “We don’t give a f_ _CK”, “Where u from”, or “We Ready” from the speakers.
Ladies don’t even turnaround to see who they are dancing with.
Guys just start grinding on the first available butt that walks by.
The parking lot is loaded with more than 10 General Motors SUVs, chromed out and sitting on 20s. Don’t believe GM executives who say their North American market share is slipping people!
There is still a line outside and the club closes in less than an hour.
It’s really, really dark and the only thing you see is the body heat people give off. Sort of like what the Predator saw before Schwarzenegger got it in that ass.
The ladies are wearing any of the following: (i) camouflage, (ii) leopard or tiger print (iii) cow designs or polka dots and (iv) the always questionable/risky cowboy hat. Let me just say that only a small few can pull off the cowboy hat at the club.
Tattoos (female) that are supposed to be seen by that special someone are open to the public. Speaking of, if it looks like a tiger has left his tracks on her chest, then run for the door quickly b/c she is “BOUT IT”.
The flyer that promotes the party has Halle Berry on the front and says hosted by NFL player X or NBA player Y. Actually let me go and record and say any party that is supposedly hosted by Charles Woodson or Allen Iverson isn’t worth your time. Trust Me!
Dudes are paying for $8 drinks with $100 bills. Who carries $100 bills? I’m sorry but the last time I checked, you have to physically walk into a bank and request those bills. I’m sorry, ladies, but if your new friend at the club is paying with $100 bills, you should start asking questions.
You see maybe only one white guy and he has a goat-tee and is rocking an Ecko sweater with herringbone chain.
The club runs out of Hennessey.
Any party at club 112 in Atlanta.

The Drink to Get You Crunk: A bottle of Hennessey (that is if any is left), Anything with Seagrams Gin, E&J (aka erk and jerk) or more than three shots of Cuervo.


Do I Dance at the Club?
I think it was Mac 10 that said “real gangtas don’t dance they booggie”. Well I’d like to extend this and say that true Lic’s never leave the bar and we always take something home, if at the least, a nice buzz.

Now if you want to get all sweaty and completely ruin your chance with every other woman in the club then there are a couple of rules to follow:

Rule #1-Don’t get sweaty before midnight! The real honey’s don’t get there till midnight and you want to leave yourself some options.

Rule #2-Be at least buzzed when you get on the dance floor. Because you are buzzed you actually “try” to do some of the more modern dances. While you probably can’t dance, women will think you’re just having fun and they like that. If you’re slick enough, you can parlay the “just having fun” personality into an after-party at your house.

Rule #3- Do not take a drink with you. Always keep both hands free. Remember it is better to have two hands around her waist than one or at least one to do that nice, soft, slap on the right or left cheek…….depends on what hand you are I suppose!

Rule # 4-When you go to the dance floor with her, always take her hand. This gives the impression to all of the playa haters that she is your girl. She also might think its cute.

Rule #5-Unless you just like to dance, limit yourself to two to three songs. Remember your goal is not to dance, but to take home, get the number, etc. If you only want to dance to music, then go and join an aerobics class.

Given that this is still March Madness, look for the TDRS-Team Bracket Edition next week.

Holla at ya Boy!

The Air Up Here, Vol. V - I Believe in a Thing Called . . . Edition

I have not dropped a Love Edition in 2 years, so this is long overdue. In the interim, I have produced a prodigious amount of material for this column. However being sensitive to my readers, especially a very tall one from Miami Beach, I am going to break this up into two or three installments. I hope that you all enjoy.

When people need relationship advice, whom do they come to? Me, that’s who. They call on Mr. Air Up Here a.k.a. “The Genius of Love.” Now you may ask what makes my advice so in demand? Obviously it’s not my own ability to follow it. I haven’t had a real relationship this Century, still doing that serial dating thing. So what makes my opinion so in demand? People know that Cupid and I hang real tight. I’m talking ride, cry, and die type stuff. And why are we so tight? Because Cupid’s foot and my behind have a special relationship. They are a veritable match made in heaven. He keeps kickin’ my behind and for now I take it. It’s cool though, because one day I’m going to catch that little winged-freak slippin' and straight steal on him. But enough about me, let’s get onto the love advice.


1. SIMPLE. Someone told me recently that they wouldn’t tell the object of their affection that they cared for them because they didn’t want to interfere with their current relationship, although the other party has been sending signals that all is not well at home. To this conundrum I answer verily: Life is not one of those cheesy romantic comedies that I love so much or even a Dickens novel for that matter. You do not get cool points, brownie points, style points, dap, props, (insert whatever the colloquialism may be in your area of the country) for sitting back and admiring that person from afar. You know why the terms “unrequited” and “long-suffering” refer to individuals who do not tell the objects of their affection how they feel? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Bueller? No? I’ll tell you. Because their love goes unrequited and they end up suffering a long, long time. It is just that simple. I do not care if they have a boyfriend or a girlfriend or both. In the words of those guys that used to occupy the “Players Palace” a.k.a. the Monterrey Apartments in TallyHo circa 1996/1997, “F*ck the boyfriend.” I’m not advocating that you go out and intentionally try to break up happy homes or unhappy homes for that matter; however, if you like someone then you should go for it. Do you know how I judge my level of interest in someone? By how much I’m willing to do for them or how willing I am to step out of my comfort zone and make the first move. If I’m not willing to those things, then I’m not that interested. If I see a woman at the club, at the mall, or on the Metro (I do love the Metro), and I’m not willing to step up; then obviously I wasn’t interested enough. When I am truly interested in someone I will stop at nothing (within the limits of the law) to make them mine. If don’t believe me, ask some of the women on this distribution list, they know what’s up. I’ve flown to one of the coldest places on Earth to get my holla on. I’ve sent flowers and candy. I’ve written love letters. I’ve burned so many mix CDs I’m surprised the RIAA isn’t looking for me right now (this was only of songs off CDs that I had purchased, please don’t sue me). I did not give those illustrations to demonstrate how great I am (although you know it’s true). I did it to show that if you aren’t willing to step up and put your heart on the line, then you know what you can do? You can prepare to live the rest of your life without them. Once again, my loyal readers, it is just that simple. My sister has this saying, “The days of holding hands and kicking cans are over.” For the non-Southerners out there, I will translate. It means if you are over 25, please act like an adult in all areas of your life, but especially in love. Dispense with the game-playing and become familiar with that term that is so crazy it may just work -- “honesty.” I am not implying that by simply being honest everything is magically going to work out in the way that you imagined. I had a woman tell me, “This between you and me is not going to work; however, I’m going to give you some advice for the future. That self-deprecating comedy thing you do isn’t going to cut it.” I have to admit that her words cut deep, but they helped me to focus on whether or not someone was truly important to me. If I made the decision that they were, then I had to go all out, no half-assing it. Another item that needs to be overcome is what someone once referred to as the “illusion of commitment.” As a man now in my late 20s, I find it amusing when I see teenagers or collegians running around talking about I’m in a committed relationship. Three weeks later, I see that they have “committed” to someone else. The fact is that until a person is engaged with a wedding date set for less than a year out, they are single in my mind. If I’m feeling them, I’m going to let them know. Now I know that some of you are going to take it too far and interpret what I’m saying as a blanket justification to openly interfere in other people’s genuinely committed relationships and marriages, as Lee Corso says on ESPN’s Gameday, “Not so fast, my friend.” Once someone is married you leave her or him alone. I don’t care if they are saying they will love you down easily like the Isleys. You just don’t do it. Have enough respect for yourself and their vows to just say no. I am also not encouraging continuous meddling in others relationships committed or otherwise. What I wish to impart is there is nothing wrong with just once telling someone "this is how I feel, this is what I can offer, and this how I perceive things could be if you were with me." That’s it . . . nothing more, nothing less. In the words of Biggie Smalls you “lay (your) game down quit flat” one time and then you let it go. The ball is there court. They can choose to pick it up and run with it or they can leave it alone. However you can be content knowing that they know how you feel and you won’t have that nagging “what if” question haunting your thoughts. That’s all folks, the Love Doctor is out. “. . . what / more / can / I / say . . . what more can I say.”

2. I LOVE YOU. I was riding the Metro the other day and I saw a couple signing to one another. It was obvious that they were in love, not only from the fact that they signed, “I love you,” which is one of the few signs besides the alphabet that I recognize; but also the general interactions between them. Their body language spoke so much louder than just the mere words of saying “I love you.” Possibly because of their deafness, they were able to communicate the feeling in a way that many of us that supposedly have all of our senses cannot. This prompted me to think BDP-style about this thing that we call love. How often we throw the word around that its true meaning becomes sullied. I love my car, my house, my money, my (fill in the blank with mindless material possessions). Or we state that I love that woman or I love that man and we have only known them for two weeks. Is it really love or is some other primal urge within that reptilian sector of our brains really driving our consciousness? Conversely, for those individuals that you truly love: your mother, your father, your siblings, your grandparents . . . Do they ever hear those words spoken from your lips? Better yet, do you show them through your actions that you actually care? I know that y’all are thinking, “That boy must be going through it, because he’s on that soapbox once again.” You’re right I’m going through something, but aren’t I always? You saw what I wrote earlier: Cupid’s foot, my ass . . . Any questions? Once again prepare yourself for a long list of personal examples, not because I want your sympathy; I don’t. Not because I’m so innocent, 'cause I do some jacked-up stuff. It is only because I don’t like to call people out too often and it’s easier to remember my own stories than to recall yours. As I think I have mentioned before, I quit lying to people back in 1999. It surveyed my life, decided what was and wasn’t important, and I’ve been on a journey ever since to redefine life based on the principles and mores that I hold in esteem. Sometimes I live up to the standard and sometimes I fall short, but it is the goal that keeps me going. Anyway, I found myself wondering why it had been so easy back in the day for me to say, “I love you” to my girlfriend or I love my car, etc., but so hard for me say those words to my family. I recalled a story a friend from elementary school once told me. She stated that whenever someone in her family would go on a trip, they would say, “I love you” because they never knew what might happen on that flight, car trip, train ride, etc. She said if they forgot their ritual before the person left the house then they would call on the pay phone or cell just to let each other know. I thought her idea had merit and started to incorporate it into my own life. I started out by calling up my immediate family members before every plane trip. Eventually I would transition to telling them I love them at the end of all our conversations. At first, it was strange because those words do not naturally emanate from my mouth. I know it was bizarre for them because I was always the one that tried to internalize my feelings, shielding them from the gaze of the outside world. However, it turned out to be a very liberating experience. I know that no matter what we are going through, no matter what happens, those closest to me know that I love them. We do not know what the future holds, and one of these days I know that conversation that I have with them will be the last.On the other hand, I am not advocating acting like you are auditioning to be Cupid’s lackey by spuriously stating your love for someone when the feelings, the sentiment, and the actions are not present. Useless repetition debases the meaning and undercuts its value more than not saying the words at all. For example, around the time that I came to the epiphany to quit lying to people, I purposed within myself to take back the value of the term love in my romantic relationships. I made a promise to myself that I would never again tell a woman, “I love you” until in the next breath I could say, “Will you marry me?” This does not mean that when those words next come out of my mouth that a proposal will immediately follow. However, the recipient of that statement can have a greater than reasonable assurance that they are someone with whom I see myself building a lifetime. In the past 6 years, I have only said, “I love you” to one person in a romantic sense. I’m not speaking about talking about love in general or saying something along the lines that “I could see myself loving you.” I have only made the declarative statement “I love you” to one individual in a romantic nature in that time frame. To be totally honest, I think the significance of the declaration, of the moment, of the internal struggle I faced to utter that phrase was lost on her. I told her multiple times in an attempt to relay the gravity of the moment; I should have stopped at one. Those words have never left my lips since. I know y’all are like “GT has been on this love topic hard, when is he going to crack a joke, when is he going to clown on some politician?” I keep harping on this topic because I believe it to be of utmost importance, especially in communities of color. God didn’t put us here to live our lives alone. Why do you think that solitary confinement is considered punishment? Although everyone needs “alone time” they also need that interaction, that communion of spirits that comes from being involved with one another. To recap: 1.) Material love is not real love. 2.) Tell your family you love them as often as possible. 3.) Value the word “love” and how you use it in your relationships. 4.) Do not give up; do not stop looking for love, because it is out there for us all.

3. SOUNDTRACK OF MY LIFE. Music plays a very important role in my life. It provides an outlet for my emotions, a refuge for my feelings. It can instantly bring me back to the most important times of my life both good and bad. Anytime I hear anything off of Jodeci's Diary of a Mad Band, I am instantly transported back to high school. I'm riding in my gray 1984 Ford Tempo with the red leather interior and no air conditioning. I'm rolling down the beach in a wifebeater, whereas not to have a wet spot on the back of the shirt I had hanging up in the back of the car, before picking up my girl for a date. Anytime I hear Carl Thomas' "I Wish", I'm back at the infamous Movie Nights at the Blairstone Apts kickin game that bordered on Olympic. When I hear Bilal's "You Are," I think about Spring/Summer 2002, and the times that I had in TallyHo, Philly, and most of all Atlanta. Music is powerful medium and what I listen to oftentimes shapes the content of this column. In the future I plan on giving you a peek into what I was listening to while formulating each story; for now, here is list of songs that provided inspiration or just were playing in background while I wrote this edition. I highly recommend adding them all to your collection.

a. "Wonderwall" by Ryan Adams
b. " Love's Gonna Get You" by Boogie Down Productions (BDP)
c. "You'll Never Find Another Love" by Lou Rawls
d. " I Miss You" by Blink 182
e. "Simple" by India Arie
f. "A Little Deeper" by Ms. Dynamite
g. "These Three Words" by Stevie Wonder
h. " Somewhere Only We Know" by Keane


Before I go, I would like to address a statement that received the most attention from the Can't Stay Away Edition. Some readers took issue with the fact that I stated, "see you when you get divorced." I think that these individuals took the statement out of context and did not understand that it was intended to be humorous. The person to whom it was directed found it amusing, and I even gave her the option of giving the thumbs up/thumbs down on whether to include or delete that whole section (something I have never done before). The statement was in no way meant to be malicious. It was meant to convey that I have supreme confidence that I was/am/and forever will be a better man for her than the person she will eventually settle down with. Forgive me for possibly crossing the line into the area of conceit, but those that know me well, know it's something that I strive to keep in check. Much love, God bless and look for the next installment soon.

--AIR © 2005

TDRS-THE SHE GOT A MEAN WALK EDITION

What up FAM? As always, thanks for the many replies I received last week for the TDRS Ratings Scale Edition. You are all awesome. Thanks for the replies from people who want to be added to the list….Yasmin and also to people who forwarded the forward and those who received the forwarded forward (Knatasha, Julie). Don’t you hate seeing FW: FW in the email subject line? Anyway, as I’ve said in previous editions, I will take the time and reply to any and all questions. Accordingly, this TDRS will be the first all out “reply to all” answer to a reader’s questions ever and owe my dog Mr. Mitchell Hopson for it. I actually got replies from people saying that Mitchell’s questions were hilarious, so to keep this train going I decided to try to answer all of them in true TDRS fashion. So like Tribe Called Quest, “here we go yo”:

1. What if she is a 7 or an 8 but has a mean walk or an accent. I have to hand it to Mitchell in educating me on the “sexy walk” thing. As a little background, Mitchell and I spent the better part of 9 months in the red country (China) on internship. There were no sistas (maybe an Ethiopian or two), very few Anglo Saxon women (the Australians were extremely bad looking) and a whole bunch of Asian girls. Let me just say that when you go a substantial amount of time without seeing a beautiful black woman, brothas start to look at things that would otherwise go unnoticed in the U.S. on a whole different level. Hence, Mitchell’s fascination with the “mean walk”. I’m sorry but I got to lump Mitchell into that group of brothas who still think bowlegged women are really sexy. Mitchell, let it go.

Now I got to say the accent thing is nice, but it’s still about whether she is a 7 or above before she even opens her mouth (assuming she still has most of her teeth). I mean which would you rather have, a girl that’s got a French accent (which quietly….you know you and I have….. I’m going to keep that on the low) or a chic with a British accent? Both accents are unique and nice, but at the end of the day if both are 6’s, then their accents are only as good as those late night DJ’s who make women/men melt with their voice but are the most horrid things to look at person.

2. What if she is a 9 or 10 but really dumb? 9’s and 10’s are only dumb if they don’t use their looks for financial gain. I’m sorry but if she is a 9 or 10 and is

a. Not dating a brotha whose pay-check has either the word “league” or “association” on it, then she’s dumb. Now if you’re dating Randy Moss then I understand because only deals with “straight cash homey”!
b. Not at least starring in “rainforest production” movies like Tua or “Pandora’s Box”, then she’s dumb. Or
c. Not at least sliding down a silver pole onto scattered dollar bills, then yes, she is DUMB!

Mitch its all about what you want. If you want a doctor who is a 9, then I hope you tivoed’ every episode of ER when Michael Michelle was on there. Better yet, she (Michael Michelle) is now a lawyer on the Kevin Hill show, which is televised on the “U Pick a Negro” (UPN) channel. A doctor and a lawyer, now that is a 10 if I’ve ever heard of one.

3. What do you do if you have a choice between a white 10, Latin 9, or black 7? Well sir, first off I think you are trying to say that a black 7 equals a white 10 or a Latin 9. Now if you do not find white or Latin women attractive, then you should definitely go for the Black 7. If your name is Jamal Jackson, then you go for the Latin 9 (sorry I had to put my man on blast, but it’s the truth). If you are an equal opportunity provider, then you have no choice but to go for the white 10. At the end of the day it is all about preferences and that is it. TDRS will take a 10 any day over an 8, so if she is White, Black, Indian-“Casino Variety a.k.a. Native American”, Indian “7-11 variety”, Hispanic, Asian, Aborigine, it’s just gravy. A 10 is a 10 my man.

Sorry about this guys, but TDRS has to go off and it’s about this whole “color complex” thing. TDRS received some verbal questions as to whether he had some color complex b/c he didn’t mention ”dark” skin girls in his descriptions of 9’s and 10’s. Now my first question is should I have mentioned “dark” or darker skin girls because to me there is a difference between the two. Yes, Gabriel Union (a clear 10) wasn’t mentioned, but it had absolutely nothing to do with her skin complexion. I’m sure if I ‘d said Gabriel Union instead of Vanessa Williams, then I would have gotten the same “you just like light-skinned girls” feedback. I mean what is Gabriel Union? Light skin? Red-bone? Brown? No one knows, so if you think like this, then just stop the madness. What’s the difference between me saying I really like redbones (I just like pretty girls btw) and someone going I love Chocolate Men. The difference is that all hell breaks lose when a brotha says something like that. Why? What, do women want me (btw#2- I am a chocolate brotha) b/c they feel I got a purer African bloodline. Puhlease! I can barely tell you where the SWATS are in Atlanta, yet alone some country in South West Africa. Light skin brothas are just not fashionable right now (sorry Jamal and Paul), but just like bellbottoms, they will be back. As my man the blakgeek stated at the Compound this past weekend, “I guess I’m sexy now”.

Oh yeah, for the hell of it I thought I would put together a list of darker skin ladies who would “get it” in a heartbeat.

1. Girl from the Pharell frontin video and model for the Price Is Right Gameshow.
2. The two “darker skin” chics from “Girlfriends.”
3. Two girls that were in SBI that had the same first name. I ain’t going to say any names but many of you know who they are (One entered FAM/SBI in 94 and the other in 95). Can’t wait for the emails on this one!
4. Rudi Huxtable- (Keisha if you somehow get forwarded this email, let’s do lunch at Intermezzo one day)
5. Kelly from Destiny’s Child
6. Ki-Toy-ole girl from the Outkast “I like the way you move” video.
7. Angela Basset- Any time, Anywhere, Stella! And she’s Harvard educated.

4. What to do if you can have a one night stand with two 7’s or one 10? This is a tough one, but I have to go with what I believe to be popular opinion and that is to take the two 7’s. I mean, having a one-night stand with two women period (w/o paying for it), yet alone two 7’s is a much harder feat than having a one-night stand with a 10. Just between you and me Mitch and you can tell me offline, do I need to put you on the 1st Ballot for the Hall of Legends?

5. Can education or wealth increase a woman’s rating? Sure it can. I mean:
(i) Oprah “the original rich bitch” was probably a 6 before Dr. Phil and the billion dollars she amassed. Oprah is definitely a “lights off” type of woman, btw.
(ii) Secretary of State Condi Rice is a solid 7, but when she has her hair done, she’s a solid 8 in my book. Oh yeah before anyone says anything, I think the gap is sort of sexy! Condi is definitely the second click on that three level lamp. You know 1-bright, 2-dim, and 3-off.
(iii) “Cookie” Johnson’s (Magic Johnson’s wife) rating took a big hit after Magic’s dreadful announcement years ago. Quietly, she is another rich bitch and definite 9 in waiting (assuming all blood tests are negative). I know I’m going to hell for that one and we all know what my hell is….”moving boxes”. This one is for that fellow rattler who I helped move this past weekend!

6. Is it better to marry high (9-10) with the expectation that she will drop over time or marry a lower rank (7-8) that is really cool/fun? Mitch you and all of this marriage talk really has got to stop. This column is meant for the club/dating scene not the chain and ball scene. Fellas, I think Mitchell is in the running for the year-end Doug Christie award (to be discussed in future TDRS for those that don’t know anything about Doug Christie). B/4 anyone says anything I ain’t got nothing against marriage Yeah I know it’s a double negative, so, yes I am all for the institution of marriage. (Btw #5-If you are a 9, smart, and can tolerate two sportcenters a day then I got a 2.3 carat, princess cut, platinum setting ring in mind to put on your finger). Anyway, I sense a bias against 9 and 10’s from you. Mitch, don’t hate the player, hate the game, dog! What, do you not think a 7-8 can drop over time too? You know I thought about this same thing when I bought my first car (a 325i convertible). I was actually thinking about buying a new Honda Accord instead, which is what I drove in college. I mean a Honda is a good, cool, and reliable car that holds its value fairly well. But you know what, a BMW 325 convertible holds its value pretty well to and when the top is down the ladies really pay attention. So again, it’s all about what you want. Yeah, the BMW requires a few more dollars and the maintenance “can” be expensive if something goes wrong, but it’s still the ultimate driving machine.
7. Is your ranking system universal or is it ethnic based? Are all 10’s equal? Please see question 3 for my answer to this one. Moreover, I think the title in the last edition read the “UNIVERSAL” ratings scale. All 10’s are equal my man.
8. Is it better to have a 10 as a friend or girlfriend? Long-term impact? I have to believe it is better to have a 10 as a girlfriend. We guys all know that we’re most wanted when we’re with someone else. I know Tate, Jackson, and even you Mitch can testify to the fact that I went through this very thing back in the day. So why not have a 10 as that someone else, especially if you are a solid 7 or 8. I say this b/c if a woman sees a solid 7 with a 10 the following questions/thoughts usually go through their heads:
(i) Damn he’s fine
(ii) Damn he must be good in bed
(iii) Damn he must be paid
(iv) She ain’t all that anyway
I think the above thoughts guarantees you a solid 7-8 in the long run when and if you break up with the 10 or she breaks up with you. Create a buzz and then reap the benefits my man!
8. Are other women attracted to or intimidated by men who only date 9s and 10s? I am going to say women who are 7’s and above are not intimated by men who only date 9’s and 10’s. If anything the 9’s and 10s these men are dating are the ones who intimidate other women. At the end of the day, all women think men are inferior to them, so there really is no such thing as male intimidation. I mean think about it for a second: They have something that all men want. You tell me who has the power? She is only worried about the next girl who can offer the same “goody”! Tell me I’m wrong! Mitch, if any of the following applies to your relationship, then trust me your girlfriend is not worried about you:

a. You have never been alone in a room, place, car, or anywhere for that matter with her best girlfriend.
b. Those pics you took of her girlfriend(s) that don’t have her in them miraculously disappear from your photo album.
c. When you meet her best girlfriend(s), the barely know anything about you other than your name.
d. She can tell you at the drop of hat the last time you either mentioned or heard from your last girlfriend. Or
e. She jumps at the chance to attend an ex-girlfriend or anyone of your female friends’ wedding.
10. If you are at the club and only have $10 dollars, what number/rating should you invest in to maximize your return? Great question, Mitch! First of all, if you only have $10 and you are at the club, then you should go home! As discussed in a 2002 TDRS (“Bar Etiquette”), you are just wasting space at the bar for the true alcoholics! Now if you insist on going to the club with only 10 bucks and this assumes you’ve printed off the “get in free before 10:30pm” flyer, there are a couple of things to do to maximize your return. Let me preface this by saying that a true playa doesn’t buy women (this excludes women friends) drinks at the bar. Therefore, the less you invest in that chic, the higher your return could be. It’s all about leverage my man and this is a perfect forum to discuss the power of it. Message for the day: Let your words be her buzz! Anyway, before discussing investing 101, lets talk about how to effectively use that $10 on getting your buzz on. Here are a few suggestions:
a. Make sure you drink b/4 getting to the club, b/c you need the buzz to last as long as possible.
b. If you don’t have liquor at the house, (which all men should have at least 4-5 bottles of something. Jamal!), then go to the liquor store and buy some of those mini liquors. Buy two, which should cost you no more than $5-6 bucks, leaving you with $4. This is just enough to order two rounds of coke on the rocks to mix with your mini liquors.
c. If you are not a liquor drinker (which means you clearly didn’t go to FAM), then make sure to order a Heineken b/c (i) you can still get somewhat of a buzz and (ii) you look a little bit more distinguished than that dude who’s holding that bottle of Budweiser. I mean ladies all else being equal, which guy would you holler at?
Okay, after adhering to my suggestions listed above, you have now invested wisely, in yourself that is. Let’s now discuss the power of leverage. All smart finance people know that the more leverage or less equity you use, the higher your “expected” returns (yeah I know, the higher the risk, the higher the expected return, you smart asses). The key thing in the last statement is “expected”, which is discussed later. Clearly Mitch, you should say to yourself “Hey all I got is $10, I can’t expect to get too much!” That said, if you don’t expect to get too much, I say invest in a 9 or 10. I know it sounds strange, but just think about it before tuning me out. Investing in a 9 or 10 is smart b/c:
(i) You can wait for some other dude to buy her a drink and then move in for the kill. This is equivalent to borrowing money from someone and never having to pay it back. This is leverage at its best. Remember the less you put in, the more you should expect to get back. If I spend $2 on my coke and you spend $7 (for her lemon drop or Cosmo) and let’s say we both get her number which is worth $4, then guess what? My return is 100% and you my man are underwater! I say the number is worth $4 bucks b/c when you call her the next day the conversation would likely be a worthless 2 minutes (the classic “let me call you back later”), which means you could have gotten more “bang” for your buck by calling one of those $1.99/minute 1-800 singles lines and gotten a much better 2-min conversation. (BTW #6—Fellas if you want to borrow money, i.e. find the dudes buying drinks, all you have to do is look for the African brothas. These dudes love buying drinks for the ladies b/c they actually think the ladies “love” them. BTW #7)----If you can’t find the African brothas then look for and they are always there, the “kids” walking around with the champagne bottles. These cats are what I call “sub” prime lenders. A guy with a 5 rating (high risk for the ladies) can take girls/borrow money from these guys.
(ii) She just might be dumb enough or drunk enough to talk to you even though you only have $10 bucks, which also maybe a sign that your checking account isn’t much better.
(iii) A 7-8 is too smart to fall for the “frugal guys”. A 7-8 can look at you and tell if you’re maxing out on your 401K before you say hello. They ask a lot of questions. You usually have to invest some serious talk time with them to get any sort of return. This is another finance concept that should be quickly mentioned, the IRR a.k.a. the Internal Rate of Return, which factors in time. Don’t worry guys I’m not going to bog you down with finance concepts but this is important. If two guys go to the club and both guys end up with something, but one does it faster than the other, then that guy’s return is better. Why, because he has more time to go out and get more.
(iv) The “Ya never know theory”. We’ve all been there fellas/ladies. We sit and say to ourselves, there is no way he/she is going to talk to me, but you know what “Ya never know”. With a 7-8, you usually know what you’re going to get…. A fake number at best or the classic “give me your email address and I’ll contact you” line. 7-8’s are too nice, they let guys down too easy. With a 10 or 9, there is no in between. You either get the number or the “diss” that will never be forgotten by your boys. Hmmm, I smell a future TDRS on this whole “diss” topic!
Mitch, even before going to the club, you must have your “expectations” in check first. To do this and this is basically straight out of Miller and Modigliani (the finance bible for those not in the know), you must assess your tolerance for risk. If you are not a risk taker i.e. you just can’t holler at 9’s and 10’s, then you should invest in those 7’s and below b/c they are less risky investments. The offset is that you should “expect” your returns to be lower.
Well Mitch, I hope this answers your and anyone else’s questions regarding the UNIVERSAL ratings scale. Look out for the next TDRS-entiteled “March Madness” coming really soon!
Holla at yo country boy!

TDRS-THE UNIVERSAL RATINGS SCALE EDITION

Sup Folk! I’m back at it with some of the new stuff. I’d like to send shout-outs to the new readers (Blackgeek, Dolski, Kinetic Ken) and thanks to those who always give some feedback or suggestions for the next TDRS.

……..So have you ever been hooked up by a friend? I have many times and I tell you there have been a couple of times where I was pretty disappointed. Let me quickly give a shout out to my boy Jamal who has, as he says, given me “lay-ups” (you can take that literally). I must admit that his assists to me have been so good, I think he should be added to the NBA’s 50 greatest players list, maybe even replace the top assist man John Stockton.

Now why was I disappointed on the non-jamal hook-ups? It was generally because of miscommunication between the matchmaker and myself. You’d think if someone said Rico I got this girl for you and she’s pretty cute, that that would be good, right? ……WRONG. The word cute is so misused that it needs to be eliminated from the English language.

So what does cute mean? After countless times of hearing the word, I have decided to really help my brothas out, so you don’t get caught up in “that” uncomfortable situation. You know what I am talking about right? That “hey, __________(fill in your name here), I got this girl you may wanna meet, she’s cute scenario”.

“She’s Cute”
We all know Cute for women is totally different than cute for men. When your matchmaker says she is cute, you should be pessimistic at best fellas. She’s cute translates into “she’s alright”. I suggest when your matchmaker says cute, to wait about 5 minutes because she’s cute almost certainly will be followed up with the all to familiar “but”. This is the key fellas. Wait for the but, because then you will get the laundry list of why she is actually just alright and not really cute. Here are just a few examples and what they really mean. She’s cute, “BUT”:

(i) “She’s sort of shy”----Meaning she probably is a card carrying member of the “TD Jake’s book of the month club”. Basically it’s going to take at least 3 months to cause her to “lose her religion” like REM.
(ii) “She’s not fat, but curvy”---This is the ultimate one here, because “but” was used twice. Using “but” twice is the equivalent of a double negative. Fellas, whenever she says “but” twice to describe her friend, focus on the first adjective he or she is trying to offset, because she is likely that adjective multiplied by some factor. In the above statement, she IS fat!
(iii) “She’s sort of dating someone right now”---This is the matchmaker’s undercover way of saying you can get some, but it’s strictly that because she has a man that she really likes. Fellas, the matchmaker knows her girl has the hots for you so, “go on and be a DOG, DOG” and “knock her back out”!
(iv) “She just got out of a relationship”-----Stay away, stay far far away!

Ladies, I am sorry to be going on and on with this cute thing, but I just got to stop the madness. CUTE MEANS OR TRANSLATES INTO “ALRIGHT” FOR GUYS. Fellas, we know what alright means. Alright means “if I were at a club and I was just finishing up my third or fourth crown and coke, then I could take her home, assuming I have no other options”. Ladies, “alright” is a feeling we have. It’s a feeling we have after there are no other options at the club. Alright is the equivalent to giving up or loosening standards. If she’s “alright”, she is usually pretty aggressive b/c she knows she is just “alright”. Fellas know about these girls all too well. They wait at the club for you to have that third drink and then aggressively pursue you. Fellas try to run, but to no avail. We finally say “Alright, I’ll dance with you and she’s at your house for the after-party. After meaning, THAT AFTER YOU WAKE UP YOU REALIZE “IT” WAS JUST ALRIGHT!

The Universal Ratings Scale

To solve the problem of using the word cute, I suggest using a simple number rating. Numbers are so easy and to the point. Guys have been using the scale for years and the results are just amazing.

“10”
Drop dead gorgeous! I’m talking on her hands and knees saying “I want you to make me feel real good” to Billy Bob Thornton, Oscar winning type gorgeous.

“9”
A 10 rating is reserved for only a talented few and the only real 9’s in the world are the “former 10s” who were replaced by a much more talented 10. For example Vanessa Williams used to be 10 and was replaced by Halle Berry. For you younger folks out there, J-lo used to be a 10 and has been forever replaced by Jessica Alba or whatever chic the fellas want to replace her with. Now I know you are wondering if this theory works in reverse, i.e. can a 9 become a 10? Honestly, I don’t think so, but at the end of the day does it really matter that much. I mean if J-lo came knockin on my door at 9:00pm do you think I am going to be upset that it wasn’t Jessica?

“8”
Okay, this is what all women should strive for. I got a message for all of you would be, wanna-be, and haters of 8’s and it is that no matter what you think you are, the “market” (i.e. the fellas) determine your rating. It’s the equivalent of selling a house. You may think that the house is worth X, but then get your feelings hurt when no one bids or the bids are below what you think you should get. Even worse if you have friends that you are using as “comps” and they get better offers than you. We can take this a step forward for those ladies who may wondering if they are an 8.

Before I get to that, let me dispel something real quick. Just because you get “hollered” at when you go to the club means absolutely nothing. Many of those potential “buyers (brothas tryin to holla)” are wack to begin with. They can’t even afford the women or houses (to continue with the example) they are trying to buy. Don’t be fooled ladies, because these guys artificially build up your net worth or confidence. Beware!

Anyway, so how do you determine if you an 8? I know this is going to tick off some people but I am going to go here anyway. There is one sure fire way and it is honestly somewhat disturbing. If one of those good All-American white guys makes a conscientious effort to holla at you, then you are probably a solid 8 or higher. White guys aren’t stupid you know, unlike some of my brothas. If they decide to coat their vanilla wafers with chocolate, you can best believe it is going to be the highest quality chocolate out there. They’ll go to Switzerland if they have to. You tell me, when have you seen a white guy with a not so “tight” sista or any woman of color? Okay remember folks this write-up is for entertainment purposes only so don’t be emailing me pissed off. Actually, I’d like it if you did, b/c I will get no better pleasure than making fun of your rant in a future TDRS. Ha!

Anyway, you know I love lists so here a few more ways to figure out if you are an 8.

1. You rarely, if ever, have the classic he “dogged” me stories.
2. You remain quiet when your girlfriends complain that they can’t find a good man.
3. Your boss at work can barely look you in the eye when he is giving some sort of directive.
4. You end it with “good”guys prematurely b/c they “actually” want to settle down and not be playas any more.
5. The crew of girls you hang with are 6’s (discussed later) at best b/c two or more 8’s just can’t be friends.
6. You somehow passed Calculus at FAMU in Dr. Anderson’s class and till this day you can’t calculate what the derivative of X-squared is.
7. Guy’s are always trying to take their picture with you at the club.
8. You go to the club with 10 bucks and you wake up the next morning with a big hangover and the smell of waffle house or ihop on your clothes, but still have 10 bucks in your pocket.
9. You’re speeding and the cop doesn’t even bother to stop you!-This almost encroaching on 9 territory.
10. A guy is actually or trying really hard to be faithful to you. The Eric Benet rule applies here (discussed in a future TDRS).

“7”
Oh the lucky number 7. There is nothing wrong with being a solid 7. If I would describe myself, I would say I am solid 7. Unlike a 9, a seven could easily move up to an 8 and maybe, just maybe a nine. A seven really means you are better than “cute” and have serious upside potential. This could or most times means (i) spending a little time on the treadmill or at the gym, (i) having a little dental work done, (iii) getting that “super” perm or just getting the hair to be presentable, or (iv) the more subjective, getting the ATTITUDE in check.

“6”
Okay a six is the lowest that I am going to go today. I actually should have stopped at seven or even eight, but because I cited the “6” earlier, I must dedicate some time to this rating. First off all a 6 cannot jump to an 8. There is just something about a 6 that will forever prevent them from making that leap and most times its just motivation. A 6:

(i) Is like a washed up football player. They know they can never play in the big “leagues”, so they decide to get a job as a bouncer to make them “feel” like they are still special. Remember how I had said 8’s have 6’s as friends? Well it’s because 6’s are the bodyguard’s for 8’s. They make the 8 feel good and frankly make the 8 look better.
(ii) Is why guys have wingmen, we need somebody to distract the 6.
(iii) Looks worse everytime you see her. She is always bigger the next time you see her.
(iv) Is Soo wack she doesn’t even know what her hairdresser’s name is.
(v) Has only two numbers in her cell phone directory, home and the number of the 8 she’s protecting on speed dial, even though she gives out her number more than anyone on the planet.
(vi) Is always the one complaining about men
(vii) Has the most one night stands
(viii) Speaking of one night stands, a 6 b/c of lots of practice (did I say practice) is much more skillful at stepping to the “mic” than their friends who are 8’s b/c they feel they are above that type of behavior. This explains why your man is cheating on you with someone you feel is a “6” at best.
(ix) Laughs the loudest at things that aren’t really that funny.
(x) Is quick to get the manicure but totally forgets about the pedicure.
(xi) Always participates in the club “let out”. 8-10’s are on their way to free food!
(xii) Believes she is a seven or higher without reading this edition of TDRS.

Well, that’s all folks for this edition. I have no idea what I am going to hit you with on the next installment, but you can best believe it’s going to be something crazy. I’d like to apologize to the blackgeek (new reader) for not hitting him up with a TDRS last week. You (blackgeek) of all people should know that Thursday night at the leopard lounge was a tad bit ridiculous. There were 8’s everywhere!

Holla at ya Boy!

TDRS-THE DUMB THINGS BROTHAS SAY EDITION

What up FAM! Holla at yo folk. Once again it’s on and your boy ThatDamnRicSimon is at it “one mo gin” for the second consecutive week. Before I spit that insanity, I’d like to personally thank everyone who responded to the TDRS from last week. It makes me feel really good to hear the thoughts of my “folk”, so keep em comin. I got a couple of shoutouts before I hit you with some fire:

Mitchell I like the title of the book “What’s the Point, She Aint A Dime Anyway”. That is hot! Let’s get it to the presses.
Jamal, “Ace Custus” (a former point guard on the Tennessee Vols women’s B-Ball team for those wondering) has nothing on the Providence Girl. Ha!

Now last week’s TDRS delved into the stupid things that women say. As promised, I’ll try to tackle the ultra-sensitive subject of the dumb things we men say. Now it is common knowledge amongst the womenfolk that men don’t really “say” very much to begin with right? ”We don’t share our feelings and thoughts” and all that jazz. Anyway, when we do say things, it’s usually pretty short, so putting together a list of dumb things we say was a tad bit difficult. However, I can quickly put together a number of dumb, or better yet “Shady” things we do. Enjoy!

“Huh”??
Ladies I am sure you have heard this one a thousand times. You ask a question and your man gives you that one word reply….”huh”. Many of you ladies feel that it’s one of those I didn’t hear you responses, so you repeat it in the hopes of getting a real answer. Only, huh is followed by an even more incriminating “huh”. The second “huh” is also known as the “I can’t believe you asked me that….what, do you not trust me?” statement.

Ladies, I’ll let you in only a little secret, when men say “huh” it more likely than not means you caught us off guard. The “huh” response is more a man asking himself, “why did she ask me this?” or better yet “what made her ask me this?”. When we say “huh” we are thinking about the source of your question and not how to really answer your question. For example let’s take the classic “Where were you yesterday when I called?” question. Simple question, right? Well for men it’s not so simple. A few seconds usually pass and during this time we know we need to say something quick to buy more time to think of really good answer.

“I thought”?
The “huh” response is a perfect segue to another response we give, the “I thought” response. Here is a pretty good list of the “I thought” responses. “I thought”:

(i) you were asleep, so I didn’t call last night.
(ii) you were going to call me back.
(iii) we were just kicking it and not in a relationship
(iv) I told you about her

It’s amazing but we often use the “I thought” response right after the “huh”. Continuing with the example above, let’s just say that a guy has already used the first and second “huh” response. Women are usually upset after the second “huh” and then proceed to say “You heard me, …answer my question”. Our response is usually the “I thought” or better yet the classic…….

……“I didn’t know”?
This isn’t a surprise to anyone, but brothas REALLY do know.

“That’s cool I can wait”
I am laughing out loud on this one. Any man that says this is (i) stupid and (ii) probably lying (I said probably here b/c there are some “strange’ brotha’s out there who really believe they can). Ladies, don’t believe the hype on this one. I don’t have a problem with brothas saying this; I just think you should first test if he wants “it” in the first place. Don’t become a “DL” tragedy…….you’ll be the next fool on Oprah saying “I didn’t know”. It is true to some extent that we can wait b/c it is highly likely that we are standing in line someplace else where the wait is not as long!

“She’s cute”
Ladies when you ask guys that stupid question of “what do you think of my friend such and such” and the first thing we say is that she’s cute, watch out. We really think she’s an 8.5 and would gladly invite her over to play twister at the house warming party.

“You got any Pictures”
Don’t be fooled into thinking we want to see pics of you. We REALLY want to see pics of your girls, just to see what we are dealing with. Some of us want to see pics of the Mom, b/c we want to make sure whatever you “did get from yo Mamma” will still be nice in 20 years.

Enough of the things we say and what we really mean. Let’s move on to some of the really shady things we do and the CLEAR meaning behind those actions. I’ll first begin with the “it’s the thought that counts theory”. Ladies men love this saying because it gives us every reason in the world to be lazy and be the most non-creative guy you ever met. The examples below should help you decide if your new guy is Mr. Right.

The Valentines Day “Card”
If you’ve been dating a guy for lets say six months and you get a card on valentines day that doesn’t have a lick of red, no sight of hearts and could basically pass as “a sending our deepest regrets on your great uncle June-Bug’s death” sympathy card, then I am going to step out on a limb and say “HE DOESN’T REALLY CARE FOR YOU”.

The Christmas/Birthday Card
The true test to see if he is really into you is the Christmas or Birthday Card. If you get a card that is pre-written and he doesn’t sign off with a heart, smiley face, miss you, love you (heaven forbid after six months of dating), or something other than using the standard Merry Christmas or Happy Birthday, then once again “HE DOESN’T WANT YOU!”

1-800 Flowers/FTD
Brothas, I hate to go here, but I must. Ladies when you get flowers, don’t fall into the “it was the thought that counts trap”, especially on those days where you are supposed to get flowers. Completely spontaneous actions are excluded from this discussion. Anyway, if you receive flowers on one of the special female “holidays” (I’ll be discussing this crap in an upcoming TDRS) you should not believe the hype. The flowers you got are probably the same flowers that went to Mom, the Aunts, the little Sister, and quietly that “other” girl in a different area code. The brotha probably got a package deal and you just happen to be that last “unit” to give him some economies of scale. Shadiness!

The Hand in the Pocket
Classic move! The quickest way to get our playa card revoked is to walk around town or the mall holding hands. The easiest way to prevent this is either (a) walking with you on your right side (brothas don’t believe in holding hands with our left hand, it’s just not natural) or (b) just keeping our right hand in our pocket. If this is your man, then he “AINT” really your man.

The Malcom X –Back Against the Wall Move.
Remember how Brotha Malcom never ate with his back to the window b/c of fear of getting shot. Brothas believe in that too, well sort of. If you go on a date ladies, make sure you sit with your back against the wall b/c that forces us to focus on you and not all of the traffic (i.e. the possible 8.5’s and 9’s) entering the restaurant.

Adjustable Seats
Fellas let’s be smart. When that “other girl” gets out of your vehicle, make sure you adjust the legroom in the car b/4 the “wifey” gets in it. Ladies, if you notice that the leg room of his car is constantly adjusted, you should really ask about who else has been playing DJ in the front seat.

The Phone
I’ve mentioned this in a previous TDRS, but for the sake of all the new female readers, this needs to be revisited. At some point in relationship, women feel or are tempted to check a brotha’s cell phone, scan the incoming calls on the home phone or even worse replay messages on the answering machine. Quick side-note, any dude with an answering machine should have his playa card taken from him immediately! (Mitchell!)

Ladies, brothas aren’t that dumb. I know most of you would never really do these things, especially if you trust us, but do you really trust us? Hell no, so why would we even think that you wouldn’t play out your fantasy of becoming a “C.S.I” detective on us. That said, your man has done everything he can to mitigate this risk. Here is a list of the precautions your man takes. If you recognize any of these, then you have as Martin told Gina,”a true playa from the Himalayas” on your hands.

Everytime he answers his cell phone around you, its one of his boys. Ladies, you know your man knows some females and if he doesn’t then that’s a problem (see the cool I can wait commentary). If he never gets a call on his cell around you from at least some female, then you should be thinking, Why?
Whenever you are over to his place, his home phone never rings. Yeah I know this could really mean that he never uses his home phone and everyone calls him on his cell right? Hmm Huh, keep believing that! If a brotha has a home phone with, voicemail, and caller I.D., then he’s getting calls at home. If the phone never rings when you are there then it could REALLY mean that “someone” else knows you are there. Think about it.

The Alibi
I love this one b/c we always try to have someone vouch for our whereabouts. Fellas, we need to be more skillful when using the alibi. We have to get out of the habit of using our homeboys or even having to use an alibi altogether. Ladies aren’t dumb, they are CLEARLY smarter than us, so don’t try them buy saying “you can ask my boy, he was there with me” line. You got to be a little bit slicker. Try something like…….

……..The Lunch Date
Brothas are always thinking of new ways to beat the system. The movie “Two Can Play At that Game” discussed the whole “I gotta work late excuse” we use. What they didn’t discuss is why a brotha had to work late in the first place! You see, we can do some really shady stuff at work. We can make those phone calls to “her” at work, and that new shit is that we can see her “at work”. It’s called the harmless lunch date. Unless you work in the same building with your man, you have absolutely no idea what he is doing and you can’t prove it. We engage in so much shady activity (like me writing this TDRS at work), that we have to work a bit late just to finish the work we get paid to do. Ladies don’t fear though, if you are an 8.5 and up, then your man is working his butt off at work to get home early. If you are a borderline 7 and below, then you better buy some Tupperware because that warm dinner you made him is going to get cold…..He probably had a pretty big lunch.

Well, that’s all folks for this week. I ‘m in the mood for a bit more, but I am going to save some energy for the ladies again next week when I’ll be discussing the do’s and don’ts of hooking up your friends and the universal ratings scale.

TDRS-THE THAT'S THAT BULLSHIT EDITION

Its yo folk! In this issue of TDRS, I’m coming out hard like MJG and Eightball. Remember 2005 is the year of the LAUGH and that is my goal each time I put my hands on the keyboard.

So I was having a discussion with my friend Spiceda (those in the know call her Spice) the other day about women and relationships. Spice, was really concerned with the best way to let a guy know that she wasn’t interested. Funny, we have all gone through this and over time have become experts of interpreting what is really meant by females. Ladies don’t worry, next week I am sending out things men say and what they really mean. For all the brothas out there here is a list of the dumb things they say. As my boy Jamal would say “That’s That Bullshit” to describe those dumb questions/statements.

“________(fill in your name here), you are a really nice guy.”
We all know that no one ever got booed for singing the gospel song at the Apollo. The performers were consistently bad, yet you never heard a peep from the infamous crowd. Why? Well its because the crowd felt guilty and for some insane reason felt they were booing God. Well, I’m here to tell both men and women to not fall for the gospel routine trap. If that person you meet is sub par, mediocre, or downright a dog, then boo them off the stage. Don’t wait and give them a chance to finish their song because it doesn’t get any better. If you can’t do it yourself, then get a friend to be your “Sand Man” and snag him off the stage. Save the whole you are a nice guy crap, please.

“We are not Spiritually Connected”
I say Lord, Lord , Lord , Lord
I love this one because it is "that bullshit". What does this mean? Last time I checked, there was only one God right? So if you and I believe in that one God, then aren’t we actually connected? Makes sense right? Well for some reason some ladies use this as an excuse to let a brotha down. I mean if you think I am going to hell, then please, just say it! I’ll be okay b/c I got at least two friends (Jamal/Eric) that will be there with me.

“I don’t deserve A Guy Like You”
This is one my favorites. Fellas, if you hear this don’t be discouraged, be happy. She really DOES want you, but she knows that once you find out about her “recent” past or record, you will quickly get out of dodge. Serious skeletons in the closet with these types…..Stay Away.

“Let’s Just Be Friends”
Don’t believe the Chris Rock hype. Contrary to Rock’s belief in the “break glass when ready”, women REALLY only want you as a friend for personal USE. She knows you adore her and it makes her feel so special each time you blow her head up with "sweet nothings". The Bullshit is that you do all of that, be that friend, and at the end of the day what do you get? Nothing, but some sob story about the “other” man who treats her like crap and how she still loves him. That’s That Bullshit! Sidenote One-There are some circumstances where she wants you as a friend, just to hook you up with her friend who is a 5 (1-10 scale) at best.

“Where do you know her from?
A classic question! Fellas, she doesn’t really care where you know her from; she cares about how well you know her, basically did you sleep with her. Okay do you (A) say “I know her from school or (B) say “I know her from back home”? The answer is secret answer (C), you don’t know her! Don’t fall into the trap of trying to explain some new person. With women you have to do what I call the Grandfather Clause. Before you give her the girlfriend or “my girl” title, you need to mention every girl you were, are, and want to be friends with because if some new name comes up after the relationship is consummated, there will be hell to pay.

“Does (insert your best friend’s name here) have a girlfriend?
Again, she is not concerned with your boy’s well being. All she wants to know is if she has to become “CSI” and smell your clothes after you guys hang out together. The answer to this question is ”He’s been dating this girl for awhile andshe’s the best looking girl I’ve ever seen him with”. This response works all the time b/c it gives her the impression that your boy is in or really close to being in a relationship. The second part (the whole good looking thing) offsets any thought that you may be lying, b/c when a guy says someone is pretty cute, especially someone affiliated with his best friend, then the girl must be a keeper, which means your boy will be in a relationship at some point.

“Call Me Later?”
I love this one b/c for her to say this to you she had to have been talking to you at that moment. The big question here is “WHY” do I need to call you later when I am talking to you right now?!!! After years of not understanding, I’ve finally figured it out. “Call me later” is nothing but a “tracking device”. She wants to know where you are at all times and by calling her later, she knows you can’t be up to too much debauchery. Notice the heading is posed as a question and not a sentence. Don’t get caught up fellas and say “ah yeah” or “okay” to this question. To prevent the drama, tell her you will be out with the boys, folks, cousins, whatever. Let her know right then and there that you’ll call tomorrow.

“Can You buy me a drink?”
I really don’t need to discuss this one, but for those of us who like to buy women drinks (Antoine) I need to comment. Any female who asks you to buy her a drink is a 5 at best. She clearly didn’t bring her “A” Game, because if she did, she wouldn’t have to actually ask for anyone to buy her a drink. 7-10’s get in the club free, drink for free and if they are an 8.5 and up, get a meal at the I-hop/Waffle House for free.

Does this make me look fat?
White guys struggle with this all the time and I really don’t understand why. Nothing makes you look fat unless YOU ARE FAT. Fellas, if you tell the truth and say “yeah it makes you look fat”, (which if it does, that means she is fat), what do you really lose? Ironically, all you really lose is weight!

Can I sit down in your chair?
Another classic question we get from ladies who want our bar position. There is no negotiation with this one fellas. NO is the only answer.

Well that's all folks for this week. I'd like to leave you guys with a quote from Chris Carter of the Minn Vikings......"You don't see dem givin roses to the donkey's at the Kentucky Derby....you got to have the horses to win"! Lesson for the fellas is this valentines day: Don't give flowers to a donkey, give it to a horse b/c she is likely, as my boy Jamiz would say "A Winner"

And I'm Gone!

TDRS-THE I HATE V.I.P. EDITION

It’s Ya Boy, ThatDamnRicSimon (TDRS). I know it has been quite awhile, but the comedy/quick wit has been stored in the cellar, waiting for that perfect year to be poured to the masses. I understand people hate reading long, drawn out emails so I’ll keep these things short and definitely to the point. 2005 will be the year of the LAUGH!
USC now officially stands for “Using Secondaries Consistently”
I guess the only “holes” in those “Trojans” were made by their offensive line.
I guess Oklahoma thought the “Trojans” would break “Sooner.” That said, maybe Coach Stoops should switch to the Pete Caroll“Lifestyle”.
Why on earth would Pete Carroll leave USC for the 49ers? Doesn’t he have like 18 NFL players on his squad?
Rodney Pete on the USC sideline is acceptable, but Will Ferrell, why? I guess USC has been “STREAKING” over the last two years.
USC the best band in the Land. ESPN COME ON NOW!
Since we “Don’t know” the rapper T.I., why should we buy his album?
I think G-Dubbya should get today’s rappers together to do a remake of “Self Destruction”.
I was watching the history of cocaine on the History channel last week and did you know that cocaine was outlawed b/c the government believed that it made Blacks want to kill Whites. No Lie!
Since when did Carlos Beltran become Barry Lamar Bonds? Did you know this guy has never hit 40 home runs or had over 100 RBI’s in a single season?

Ya know, I have to end the Top 10 for the week. I really need to gripe and I need to do it right now. My friends, I am telling you right now that Ric Simon will “Neva Eva, Neva Eva” attend another event whereby I pay anything for the most misused acronym in the Colored People community, VIP!

Mr. Jamiz Jackson wrote about VIP or the “holding the line” concept a couple of years ago, but I feel this is something that must be revisited. Given the series of events experienced by myself and others this past NYE weekend, I feel compelled to discuss why “Colored” people do what they do and why the average person shouldn’t attend their events/promotions.

Top 5 or 6 things Affiliated with Colored People.

Cover Charges-Since when did $20 become the standard cover charge? Correct me if I am wrong, but isn’t there supposed to be a “cover” band when you pay a cover charge? I am sorry, but paying for someone to play the same hot song three times in one night is not a band, it is an IPOD!
VIP-The biggest rip-off today. Paying for VIP just doesn’t seem right. Do you really think Puffy, Usher, or any cute female, actually pays for VIP. Heck NO, b/c they are Very Important People. Very Important People get in free, drink free, and get any girl they want for FREE.
The “Top Shelf” open bar All Night Scam-Friends, please don’t ever fall for this. At a colored people event top shelf is basically limited to Hennessey, Crown, and Bacardi, and maybe some Goose, which is fine until you quickly figure out there is only one bottle of each on the shelf. And No, there isn’t any more liquor in the back room.
Dress Code-This is a no brainer, but there are new suckers born every day. If the flyer doesn’t reference anything about a prohibition against athletic gear, then prepare to have a very disappointing party.
Flyers-Flyers are so 1990’s. If you are out and receive a laminated card that has a picture of some model the promoter doesn’t even know plastered on the front, it is highly likely the clientele at his/her party will not look like her. FYI, if the parties you attend are not communicated to the masses via email, you could be in for an extremely “ghetto’cious night.
Birthday Celebrations-These are the worst parties, especially if they are pumping some promoter’s birthday party. Who pays to go to a Birthday Party? I really hate the parties that are supposed to feature certain NFL (better yet, practice squad) players. These parties are clearly an invitation for the chickenheads, gold-diggers, and wannabe groupies.
Spades-Can someone please create some universal rules for spades. What is up with these people who don’t play with the deuces? Playing without deuces is like playing chess and not being able to use your Knights. These people who play bidding in the blind, but don’t understand the concept of sandbagging.

I’ll holla at ya’ll next week!